InuYasha Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Silent Regrets ❯ Chapter 4

Title: Silent Regrets

Author: Ryukotsusei

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and Yu Yu Hakusho belong to their respective owners. As much as I wish I could claim a part of it, I cannot. The plot however and any OC's my twisted mind happens to come up with though is mine.

 

Summary: IY/YYH It's strange how regret can make you think, two people take a journey to discover what's really important. Pairing: Hiei/Kagome

 

Author's note: Hey what do you know, two chapters in two days. Perhaps my muses are finally beginning to want to work again. I guess we'll see. Special thanks to Takhisiss who gave me a hand with the dialog. Also thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter. It really helps motivate me to write more.

 

Chapter Four

 

 

Several times during the night Hiei awakened to Kagome's tears, undoubtedly when her nightmares began troubling her once more. He had no way of knowing that it was the decision that she had made that was tormenting her, all he knew was that for once his presence was not keeping her inner turmoil from surfacing. This bothered him greatly as once again he was rendered helpless by her human emotions and her infuriating desire to remain silent on what was plaguing her. All he could do was hold her closer and try to let her know that he was there even if he couldn't do anything. More than once he was tempted to wake her up but he knew that might not be the best of choices. How would he explain himself? Surely waking her from a bad dream didn't involve climbing in bed with her, much less the compromising position that they were in with their legs tangled. The last thing he needed was for her to become angry for the way he climbed into bed with her, the few times anything remotely resembling their position now came up she blushed profusely and moved away from him. No, this was one instance that he deemed it better for her to remain asleep.

 

 

"What am I going to do with you?" Hiei whispered as he looked down at her face, brushing the tears away. If there was one thing he couldn't stand it was tears. In the past he would have killed anyone who made his sister cry, now Kagome had been added to that list. But in this instance there was no enemy to make pay for her pain, this was all in her heart and mind, something she had to learn to deal with on her own. Still, there had to be something, anything that he could do. His mind wandered to Kurama. The fox was the obvious choice for finding solutions to problems. If Kagome wouldn't open up to him, perhaps the kitsune would be able to breech her walls. If nothing else it was worth a shot and maybe, just maybe Kurama could do something for the girl. His mind wandered back to just after the dark tournament and the problems Yusuke had sleeping. His dreams had been plagued with Toguro coming back again and seeking revenge on everyone that Yusuke cared for. The fox had managed to help him through that, even though it took a strong tea to relax his nerves for the first few days while they worked through his problem. There was a chance Kurama could do the same for Kagome. Hiei closed his eyes again, deciding that was the first place he would go once he managed to extricate himself from Kagome's death grip.

 

 

Several hours later found Hiei trying to shove his head deeper under the blanket as the sun shown through the parted curtains announcing the arrival of a new day. Unfortunately there wasn't any escaping it and clarity came to him as he wearily opened his eyes. As he looked around he realized that he had stayed far longer than he had intended to in the first place. Cursing under his breath he began to move slowly, careful not to wake Kagome up. How she had managed to stay asleep with the accursed sun to begin with was a mystery to him but he wasn't about to question his good fortune. She whimpered slightly as he moved away from the bed, immediately missing the warmth that he had provided. He paused looking down at her, wanting nothing more than to climb back into the bed but he couldn't. 'I knew it wasn't permanent. I need to quit stalling and get to Kurama's, stop wishing for something that can never be.' Turning he made his way out of the bedroom and down to the living room where he snatched his cloak off the back of the couch before proceeding to the front door stopping only to put his boots on.

 

 

As he opened the door he came to realize two things. The first was that it had snowed far more than even he had anticipated and the second was that there was now a good portion of that snow inside the house, having fallen inside once it no longer had the door to rest against. He stared down at the white powder, wondering what had happened to the days when something like this would have happened and he would have shrugged his shoulders, leaving anyway. A third realization came to him then, the one that told him if he were to do such a thing the floor would be ruined and he would never hear the end of it. It was official, for some strange reason he had allowed himself to be domesticated. That particular thought did not sit well with him at all but it didn't stop him from moving further into the house and grabbing the broom, dust pan and some towels to mop up the water that was slowly pooling on the wooden floor.

 

 

Ten minutes later once again saw him at the front door with the floor now cleaned. He stopped with his hand on the door nob before he withdrew and made his way to a window. He'd be damned if he was going to get stuck wiping the floor down again and it would just be his luck that more snow would decide to curse his existence by making its way inside. Throwing the window open he climbed out, shutting it behind him. A strong gust of wind ruffled his hair as he began to make his way to Kurama's house. He was certain the fox would already be awake. Their schedules were much the same, including their sleeping habits except on mornings like this one. It was disconcerting that he had felt so comfortable laying next to her that he would oversleep like that. Normally it would concern him enough to ponder it further but it wasn't something he intended on happening again.

 

 

He was almost to Kurama's house when he felt the kitsune's ki moving towards him. He had to wonder at the avatar's sanity venturing out on a day like this, most would still be inside where it was warm. If he had much of a choice in the matter he would be inside as well. The cold might not affect him as badly as it would others but even he had to admit he still preferred to stay where the temperature was a bit warmer. Wanting to get this underway he set off again at a quicker pace intent on intercepting his partner. It wasn't long before he came into view, standing out impressively against the snow. He dropped down out of the tree onto the snow covered sidewalk and looked at Kurama who didn't seem to be terribly surprised to see him. "Kurama we need to talk."

 

 

"Well good morning to you too Hiei." Kurama arched an eyebrow at the look of impatience that crossed the hybrids face. "Alright, walk with me back to the house and we can discuss whatever is bothering you." He turned around knowing that Hiei would follow him, most likely wanting to get out of the snow. He looked at his house in the distance and sighed, it didn't look like he was going to get the reprieve he had been hoping for. He turned a hopeful look over to his partner. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to help me shovel snow would you?"

 

Hiei frowned with disgust at the very idea, this mornings dealing with the white powder still fresh in his mind. He didn't miss the way Kurama's face fell when he stared at him, looking incredulous that he would even ask him such a thing. "Hn, I've had my fill of clearing snow for the day." Briefly the idea of just melting the snow crossed his mind but on the off chance that someone was watching that would be extremely difficult to explain. No, the kitsune was on his own with this one. It just wasn't his problem to deal with.

 

Kurama nearly laughed at the tone in Hiei's voice, no doubt whatever had happened had put the apparition in a foul mood. He couldn't resist teasing Hiei, even just a bit "Clearing snow? You? Let me guess, you've been visiting Kagome today and she needed your help. Really Hiei, why don't you just move there? You're already helping out around the house and doing the chores." Kurama chuckled at the sour look on Hiei's face until a large amount of snow dropped onto his head from a low hanging tree branch. The look of satisfaction on Hiei's face and the faint trace of ki that had been used left no doubt in his mind that Hiei had done that on purpose. He shook his head, dislodging the snow from his hair, though it didn't do anything for helping to dry it out. Kurama cast a disapproving look over to the hybrid. "That really wasn't called for you know."

 

 

Hiei shrugged, a small smirk on his face. "Perhaps not but I feel better now. Suck it up Kurama, it's not like you're going to get sick you know or am I wrong? Maybe you're the one who has become domesticated, not me." He didn't bother looking at the kitsune, merely continuing to walk towards Kurama's house knowing that his partner was right behind him.

 

 

Kurama stood still for a moment watching the apparition walk away from him before he knelt down and scooped up some snow, packing it tightly into a snowball. Taking careful aim he hurled it at the back of Hiei's head, biting back a curse when the hybrid easily sidestepped it, not bothering to look back at him. It would seem his revenge would have to wait until Hiei wasn't expecting him to retaliate.

 

 

"You missed. Now if you're done, as I said before we need to talk and no it cannot wait." Hiei stopped long enough for Kurama to catch up to him before walking on, turning up the driveway to the house. Once inside he removed his boots and cloak once more as Kurama went to grab himself a towel for his hair. He waited on the couch, casually observing his surroundings. It was strange, at one time he had come close to calling this place home and now it felt as if he were just a guest passing through. Someone meant to exchange pleasantries and then leave at the earliest convenience. He hated to admit it, but the Shrine had now become his place of security.

 

 

Kurama came back down the stairs with a towel on his head, already in the process of drying it. His gaze fell to the apparition on his couch who had a look of apprehension and realization on his face, He couldn't help but wonder what had happened to set Hiei off into a mood like this. "So Hiei, would you like to tell me what is on your mind? I know you didn't come here just to dump snow on my head after all." If anything Kurama swore Hiei looked even more uncertain about things as he turned to stare out the window. When no answer was forthcoming he tried another tactic. "We can always talk later if you want. I thought you would probably be spending the day with Kagome anyway. The both of you could get out, I know there is a movie that she wanted to see that starts today."

 

 

Hiei sighed, if only things were so simple. If going to a movie would make her happy again he'd do it, even if he despised the masses of humans that would be there. For any other person he would have told them off for even suggesting he do such a thing. "Kagome's the problem. Something is wrong with her but she refuses to tell me what is wrong. The most I could get out of her last night was that her dreams have started coming back again. She is also feeling guilt over the loss of her family still and refuses to let it go." He turned to look at his partner, his frustration plain to see. "I'm of no help to her, she said she needs a reason to belong. You're better at this shit than I am Kurama, you talk to her."

 

 

Kurama stared at Hiei for several long moment, looking incredulous at what he had just said. Was his friend really being so blind that he couldn't see what was right in front of him. "Wait. Are you saying that she needs a reason to belong or did she actually say that she needed to feel like she belongs?" It had been plain to him and everyone else the affection Kagome had for his partner but Hiei had seemed to remain oblivious to it. Whether that was by choice or he just really didn't know he couldn't say, but everyone agreed that it needed to be the hybrid that realized it instead of having it pointed out to him. That was the sole reason they had remained quiet on the matter.

 

 

Hiei ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "That's exactly what she said. She thinks her existence is pointless beyond that damned jewel, she said she wants it all to be over. If I didn't know better I'd say she's suicidal but she said she isn't and I couldn't sense any deceit from her. She wanted me of all demons to tell her what her purpose was. How the hell am I supposed to do that?" By now he was pacing the floor, unable to vent his aggravation any other way.

 

 

Kurama sighed, knowing that he was going to have to help the both of them out without pointing out the obvious. He couldn't say it directly but he would give his partner a much needed push in the right direction. Hopefully then he would be able to figure it out for himself. "Hiei, do you remember how you felt before all of us were together as a team?" He waited in silence while the hybrid pondered his answer to this unexpected question.

 

 

"Of course I do. I've known you what? Almost twenty years now? Twenty years does not make up for over a century of living alone." Hiei threw himself down on the couch, wondering exactly where Kurama was going with this line of questioning and just how it pertained to Kagome. He didn't like being reminded of that time, he had done his best to put most of it behind him.

 

 

Kurama nodded, knowing that Hiei was on the right track needing only slight guidance. "If you can remember that then I think you have a pretty good idea of how Kagome is feeling. She has just lost her entire family. It's not exactly the same as what you went through but if it's possible I'm thinking it's a bit worse in this case. She's always had that security and stability and now it's gone. Even though it's been over a year it's still a shock, she no longer has an anchoring point for when things become overwhelming. You missed it because you had never experienced it, she has and her life for all intents and purposes has been destroyed. Why do you think she latched onto us so tightly once she realized we weren't there because we wanted the jewel?"

 

 

Hiei turned a scowl on Kurama and clenched his fists. Anger began to rise in him with each word that came from the kitsune's mouth. By the time Kurama was finished speaking he was on his feet. "Dammit she does have an anchoring point! What the hell do you think I am?" He stopped suddenly as he realized what he had just said and sat back down heavily. He was silent for several long moments before he looked up at Kurama again, his expression one of pure shock. Kurama just continued to look at him calmly with a small smile on his face. He looked back out the window, his expression pensive. "Did I just really say that?"

 

 

Kurama walked over and laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. It would seem as if Hiei had finally figured things out, at least on his end. But it wouldn't make a difference if he didn't tell Kagome exactly what he considered their relationship to be. Before that happened though, Hiei had to figure out what his stand was with the girl in question though."Yes Hiei, you did just say that and you may think you are. But have you ever come out and told her that? Don't assume that she already knows it. Her mind doesn't work that way. She needs to know that you are always going to be there, that you won't just disappear when you tire of her. As much as I'd like to think that you wouldn't do that anyway, I think now is the time I need to ask this of you. What exactly are your intentions with her anyway?"

 

 

Hiei shrugged the hand off his shoulder and sat quietly for a few minutes while he considered the question. Did he want her happy? The answer to that was a resounding yes, he hated seeing her upset. She made him happy as well, just by being around. But was that enough to base a relationship off of? And more to the point, he didn't want to get involved if all she was wanting was someone to fill the hole created by her family. "I'm not looking for a fling if that's what you are concerned about Kurama. You should know me better than that. I think you're getting ahead of yourself though. Just because she is lonely does not mean she's looking at me as potential mate material." He scoffed at the very idea. Sure, they got along well but that didn't mean she wanted to take that step with him. She'd told him more than once she didn't know how Kurama had put up with him and kept all of his hair. Of course, it was said as a joke but there was no doubt there was some truth to that. He wasn't exactly an easy demon to get along with.

 

 

Kurama nodded slightly, what Hiei had said was true but he was apparently more adept at reading the girls feelings than the apparition was. "That is true but perhaps you need to ask her that yourself before jumping to conclusions. She might surprise you. But before you say anything Hiei I'd suggest you think about what exactly it is that you want. If you were to ask her what she desires and then decide that it's too much for you to deal with, you'll just be hurting her worse and none of us want that to happen."

 

 

Hiei nodded and stood up once again, knowing that he had a lot to think about. "You're right, if we start this there is no turning back. Still, I'd appreciate it if you'd talk to her. Make sure that you're right about what is wrong. She's still having trouble sleeping and I don't know how long it will be before I've made my decision." He waited until he got the assurance he needed that Kurama would see to her while he was gone. This wasn't something he was going to decide in a day. He was at a crossroads, something that would change both of their lives if they decided a relationship was what they both wanted. This was likely to take a while and he didn't want her alone during that time. There was no telling how much further she would sink in her depression.

 

 

"I'll watch over her while you're gone Hiei. Take as much time as you need, I don't need to tell you this isn't something to take lightly." Kurama walked his friend to the door and watched as he disappeared quickly, no doubt going to some place quiet where he could think. It would seem that this day was going to be even longer than before he realized as he stared at his driveway which was still blanketed with a thick layer of snow. He cast a glare over at the shovel, wishing he had chosen to live someplace warmer. Some place where snow was something you only heard about on the news in some far off place.