InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ A First Time For Everything ❯ "S.O.S (Anything but Love)" ( Chapter 9 )

 

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything here besides the plot….

 

 

A First Time For Everything

 

 

By Miztikal-Dragon

 

 

“S.O.S (Anything but Love)” ---Apocalyptica

 

 

Love, it's the major building block to anyone's life agenda no matter what they say. Everything revolves around that simple four-letter word that holds thousands of different meanings. It's something that most will experience and others will search desperately for only to come up empty handed. Love is misery waiting to happen and given the chance it could bloom into something deadly and dangerous.

 

 

It's funny how something so small could be so devastating; although, the smallest of cracks in a damn has the possibility of sending it crumbling down. Love is a risk one takes and success is more of a gamble than Russian roulette on any given day without trying. Love is more blind than justice could ever hope to dream of being and that's what's scary.

 

 

Cold raindrops fell unceremoniously on the clear windows, the moisture slowly dripping down and collecting on the ledge. It always seemed to be dark and damp, the never-ending rain flooding the streets if only slightly. The days were a little depressing with the grey clouds filling the sky, locking away the sun and a pair of blue eyes gazed longingly into the grayness.

 

 

Like the weather, her mood was downcast and depressing, though only by mere coincidence. However, unlike the weather, her downward feelings weren't something she wanted to see. They only reminded her of what she couldn't have and it made things worse than they already were.

 

 

Biting down on her lower lip, she closed her eyes and sighed heavily, this wasn't where she wanted to be, mentally at least, and she needed to jolt herself out of the dark funk she was slipping deeper into. She tried shaking out the jitters, loosening up her muscles and rolling her head from shoulder to shoulder; she had to be stronger than this.

 

 

The white walls surrounding her were blinding, the random splotches of red and black not as harsh on her eyes and she almost smiled thinking back to the day she'd been allowed to add her own touches to the small room. Everything was picked up and in its rightful place, exactly opposite of how she normally kept it and the room felt rather alien to her.

 

 

However after tonight it would no longer be considered her room, just about all of her personal belongings were packed up and put into the trunk of the car outside. Sure she was leaving behind a few things, but that was only because she wanted to be selfish. She wanted to leave things so that she wouldn't be forgotten, that and she didn't want to be the only one with hurt feelings.

 

 

The small studio apartment had been her home for over three long years and though she felt bad, it wasn't enough to stay and slip deeper into the misery that had taken a hold of her. She'd been handed a flotation device to keep her from drowning and despite everything that screamed at her not to she was taking it.

 

 

Slowly she rolled up the long sleeves of her white shirt to her elbows, pulling a long black spaghetti strap shirt over her, and buckling a studded belt around her waist. It was almost time to go now and it was tearing at her heart. The rain was only a slight drizzle now and she wanted a moment before her signal came to remind her of the set deadline.

 

 

Carefully she pulled a computer chair into the middle of the small room, facing the already set up camera and sat down. Her long time friend Kohaku was down the hall with the last of her bags, taking them to his car and when he returned they would begin. She unzipped the case to her side and gently pulled out the resting cello inside, her fingers dancing across the strings and loving the way they sang. This cello was the only thing that she didn't regret taking with her, it was her most prized possession after all and the first gift from him.

 

 

Tunes raced through her mind as she pulled out the companioned bow and rosined it, admiring how beautiful the horsehair still was after so much abuse and prolonged use. It was the only thing she cared enough for to take care of, she poured all her love that wasn't returned into the musical instrument and thinking about it was like a piece of her was dying all over again.

 

 

Six years ago it all started with a cello and a smile and it was funny that that's how it was also ending. She remembered the first day she met the love of her life, when she first saw Sesshomaru. She'd been barely entering junior high and though she looked young enough to be a normal seventh grade child, she was already two years behind everyone around her.

 

 

It was amusing, borderline hilarious to her the way they met and even now after everything she didn't regret a single moment. She'd stayed late again after the final bell rang, her bulging folder shielding her chest like a piece of body armor. Things had been looking downhill for her once again so she tried staying away from it all, thus the reason why she was still at school.

 

 

The only room that ever seemed to be unlocked was the music room, much to her surprise, but she wasn't willing to let out a peep to complain. So the small room became her safe haven and everyday she was there without fail doing homework that she could never do at home. Some days she played with the instruments that had been left out, others she was hunting down a book trying to figure out the chords and notes to those she found interesting.

 

 

It was there in that room that she learned she was destined to learn something beautiful. She told herself that it was purely coincidence that a cello had been left out along with a book, that it was only by chance that when she touched it everything else seemed to click in place inside her head. She also blamed good old fashion luck when she attempted to play when he happened across her that day.

 

 

The cello she'd held in her hands let out a loud screech and initially she cringed from the sound and before she could try again long pale fingers touched her hand, pulling away the bow from the strings. She had jerked away almost violently, her heart doing summersaults in her chest. There he stood, his elegant beauty, leaning down watching her with a pair of cold eyes behind a wire-framed pair of glasses.

 

 

She had had the urge to faint staring at him, though somehow managed to keep what was left of her composure. When he spoke he didn't sound angry, he wasn't cruel, but he spoke just as coldly as those beautiful ambers eyes looked at her so when he had finished speaking she was still caught up in his sudden appearance.

 

 

“I asked you a question,” his baritone voice was demanding but more gentle than she had guessed it to be. “Are you mentally disabled?”

 

 

“No,” she told him quietly tearing her vision away from him and onto her feet. “No I'm not. I'm sorry I just wanted to lean that's all, honest.”

 

 

“I will not repeat myself,”

 

 

“Rin,” she whispered wishing that he couldn't see her cheeks flushing. “My name is Rin.”

 

 

Sesshomaru gave her a look then, one that she'd only seen a handful of times (purely by accident each time), and that's one of the defining moments she realized that she wanted to be around him as much as possible. His fingers tense around the hand he still held and for a moment Rin thought the world was going to end.

 

 

“Come Rin,” he spoke, his eyes capturing hers and refusing to permit them to leave.

 

 

That's how she'd met Sesshomaru, how everything started and Rin bit down harder on her lower lip. It was then that Sesshomaru decided to be her teacher, her mentor, and all of it was by accident or some cruel hand of fate. Everyday after class when she went to that empty music room he would be waiting for her, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed delicately over his chest and she felt her heart flutter in hers.

 

 

He was cold and calculating with his words, with his instructions, and never once did he stop to spare her feelings, but it didn't matter since he was freeing her from a world of disappointment. Rin showed up because she liked having Sesshomaru all to herself, liked the way his eyes would slightly light up in a certain way when she did something that pleased him, and she wanted to see it.

 

 

Her fingers blistered and cut to the point that she carried around a pack of band aids just incase the ones she had on fell off or if she bled through them, and that too was acceptable because she got to be with him. The pain was bearable because in return he was giving her something beautiful and it was all she wanted; something beautiful she could call her own. They practiced everyday he was available and on the days that the school was closed they met at his home and only if no one was around to snoop.

 

 

Rin had met Sesshomaru's family entirely on accident and they seemed nice enough to her, well, nicer than what she was given, but he seemed disgusted with him. Then again, maybe he was ashamed of being seen with her. She had often wondered if that's what it really was and she'd even asked his half brother once when she stopped him in the hall, yet the boy merely shrugged and walked away.

 

 

After six months of endless, torturous practice, Sesshomaru decided that Rin was good enough to play for others so he had her sign up for the music class. The only problem was the required parental signature and she refused to go to Sesshomaru with the little dilemma of hers. The thought of it kept her up at night silently crying and then out of the blue Sesshomaru's half brother was at he side, a cocky smile on his adolescent face telling her to “cheer the fuck up and stop crying”.

 

 

Whenever it seemed she had a problem that she couldn't' go to Sesshomaru for his little brother was willing to step up toe the plate and save the day if only to keep her tears at bay. It was cute the way he helped out and it was him who always kept his ears out for anything and everything, her personal little bodyguard.

 

 

The ringing of her cell phone tore her from her memories and Rin sat down her bow pulling out the device and answering it, the caller ID having told her who it was. “Hey InuYasha,”

 

 

“Hey squirt,” he never seemed to care that she was older than him, it was all about the height and that was something she was definitely lacking. “Miroku and I have everything set up.”

 

 

“Thank you,” she told him sincerely, beginning to feel the tears welling up in her eyes.

 

 

“You know you can always changed your mind,” InuYasha's voice was soft like she was a beaten child and it almost wrenched a sob from her throat because in ways that's exactly what she was. “No one will blame you.”

 

 

“I know,” Rin whispered brokenly, wiping away the moisture that slipped down her face. “But I can't stay here any longer and you know it. I'm doing what's best for me, I can't stay and let it crush me InuYasha.”

 

 

She heard him sigh and she wished that he was wrong, but not this time. Rin tried not to let herself get sucked back into her past, tried not thinking about how she used to watch Sesshomaru from her place on stage at her recitals. How he came to almost all of them without fail, or at least before work took him more and more away from her and InuYasha would be sitting in the front row, a digital camera in his hand watching her and adding in some of his own commentary with each missed performance.

 

 

Rin didn't want to think about that day after she turned seventeen living at home with her parents having become too much to bear and she wound up standing at Sesshomaru's front door completely soaked from the rain. The way he looked at her secretly knowing that even though it was heavily raining he could see her tears as plain as day. It hurt, but she remembered the way he was so warm despite his icy exterior as he held her in his arms, his baritone voice whispering comforting words into her ear.

 

 

Then there was that one-day, the one she knew that she'd never be allowed to forget. He'd given her the cello that she'd been playing the first day they met, the same cello he'd once played as a youngster and once again Sesshomaru had stolen her breath away. Of course she'd known that there was a perfectly good explanation why he'd been there that day, but not once had it crossed her mind that he used to play, even if it had been forced by his parents.

 

 

It explained why he didn't mind her crowding his studio apartment with her belongings. Or why he relaxed more when she stayed up late to practice, his eyes flickering with beauty and peace as her fingers guided the bow across the strings urging out the magic he gave to her. Sesshomaru was giving her a piece of himself that she had never seen before and she'd fallen deeper and ever so deeper in love with him.

 

 

They worked well together, like a well-oiled machine and Rin was having the time of her life. She hadn't known that happiness could feel so good and her friends complimented the way she sparkled. These new feelings, the wonderful beginning Sesshomaru brought her to also brought her things she never knew were possible.

 

 

It brought her closer to her friends, to who she wanted to be, and oddly enough it brought her Kohaku. Kohaku was a big bundle of joy that before moving into Sesshomaru's home would have easily overwhelmed her heart. He was the kind of guy girls searched for and often overlooked and he was the kind of friend she needed. InuYasha often compared Kohaku to a golden retriever and it wasn't because he was blond because that's just who he was, ever so faithful.

 

 

For an eighteen year old he had freckles dusted across the bridge of his nose only like a small boy should have, his shaggy black hair tied up in a tight ponytail (though he always had wisps of black obscuring his vision). His smile was lopsided and goofy and when around him, Rin couldn't help but smile. The only sad thing was that like most girls, Rin overlooked him, not because she was looking for Mr. Right, but because she believed she found him already, she thought her Sesshomaru was him.

 

 

She remembered watching happily as both InuYasha and Kohaku graduated, then sadly as they both left her college bound and ready to explore the world. She had stayed up late that night playing sad and depressing songs she knew by heart in the darkness until Sesshomaru came home only to watch her break down into a million pieces. There were no answers to why she was so upset besides the harsh fact that she didn't want either of them to leave her because it meant that things were changing.

 

 

It meant that soon Sesshomaru would expect her to finally leave him too and she didn't want that. Rin didn't want to think of her life without Sesshomaru, but deep down she knew she was holding him back. He'd never once shown any interest in her, never gave her any signs that she was different than al the rest. She wanted to be with him forever, but not that way she'd always been, she wanted him to love her as much as she did him.

 

 

Thinking that way only made it worse she reminded herself, yet then again she was only a human girl after all. She didn't want to make herself bitter, didn't want to dwell, but what else was there to do but move on and there was no way she was entirely ready to do that. The only thing she could think to do was remember everything, hoping that there was something she missed, something that would save her from jumping off the edge with no safety net to catch her.

 

 

Rin didn't dare want to believe that the turmoil she was now in could have been avoided if she were mentally stronger, yet the self-damaging thoughts only grew in size. That night when she sullenly played her feelings out in the darkness she tried keeping herself from crying; after all, she could still see Kohaku and InuYasha on weekends and hear their voices from a phone, though the honest truth was that she didn't want to be alone.

 

 

It had been almost forever and a day since she felt the suffocating pull of bitter loneliness and it was beginning to swallow her whole. Hours in the darkness, no companion but her hushed tears, drowned out by the soft wailing of her precious cello. If she stayed this way she didn't know how she was going to get through it, yet she knew that no matter what she'd have to.

 

 

Her ears hadn't been sensitive enough to hear the steady clip-clop of dress shoes as they neared the front door, but the click of the lock being undone jerked her out of her trance, the bow hitting the wrong note on a string throwing off the direction of the song in her heart. However, she kept going on as if it hadn't happened, not letting something so tiny trip her up. Bright light crept in as the door opened and his voice called to her and though she wanted to call out in return, she closed her eyes and kept going.

 

 

“Rin?” She felt the darkness lighten to a dull gray behind her eyelids.

 

 

“Rin!” A firm hand shook her shoulder throwing her once again into reality and it shook her down to her very core. “Hey are you okay?”

 

 

She sighed heavily wiping the silent tears from her eyes, she'd been so caught up in her past that she hadn't realized she'd been crying. It had taken her a few moments to gather her bearings enough that she was more focused, though it only helped a little. Kohaku stared at her, concern filling his deep chocolate eyes and it warmed her heart a smidge. With everything said and done it was Kohaku who was there for her, always waiting and she was thankful that she had him.

 

 

“Yeah sorry,” she apologized with a wave of her hand. “I just spaced off. Let's do this.”

 

 

“Are you sure?” He asked standing behind the camera and turning it on. “It looked like you were lost… We don't have to do this Rin, we can just go.”

 

 

She wanted to yell feeling her anger rise but she bit it back and sighed heavily yet again giving Kohaku the look that immediately had him looking away. “I have to be--” she said coldly, “--It won't take long and then we'll go, I promise.”

 

 

Kohaku waited a moment before giving Rin her cue and when the red light caught her eyes she lowered her eyes and began. It was almost an alien sound to her as the sweet sound danced around them, the soft melody sad and to a point depressing. She didn't want to look up because she knew Kohaku would be watching her, hopelessly staring and judging her as she poured out her boarded up heartache.

 

 

Her music was the key to her soul and she was unlocking it all and exposing the naked truth that she didn't dare show freely. The song was nothing more than her put to notes and chords and all of it in it entirety had been written for Sesshomaru. She waited for it to come, the overwhelming feeling building in her stomach and when it did she opened her mouth and let it spill out.

 

 

She didn't have the talent to be a decent singer, didn't have the discipline or the vocal ranged so she kept it soft and easy, low and almost in a whisper, though loud enough for the words to be trapped inside the recorder. It made her want to cry, the meaning of each sentence, all of the truth that opened her up and she heard her voice tremble as she continued.

 

 

It was devastating the way she desired Sesshomaru's touch, the way she could feel the warmth of his fingertips touching her bare skin like it happened only yesterday. His lips hard and demanding against her own as he took everything he wanted from her and more. It had become a burning need that had been set aflame by the way he touched her, claimed her with his rough-gentleness, and now it was simmering deep within her body waiting for it to be once again released from its confines. The more she thought of him was enough to send chills up her spine, his incoherent whispered words etched into her head with an ice pick with the way he completed her -- filled her with his seemingly unending desire and undoing all of her barricades and breaking them down to powder.

 

 

The cello cried all of Rin's frustrations, sang away the pain and the pleasure that came with it and represented the way that she always felt but could never display as freely as she'd always wanted to. Her husky voice helped it seem all too surreal, too planned out; however, the words were purely impromptu and she wasn't expecting it to hit her like a tone of bricks. They were words she would never write down, words that belonged to Sesshomaru and him alone and he would get them; Kohaku was only an unlucky observer in Rin's anguish.

 

 

The melody rode up to its climax, throwing her into a frenzy of rushed and mixed emotions, of everything she'd been feeling since the night Sesshomaru introduced her to the more risqué part of love; the rise and fall of passion she never thought could be possible with Sesshomaru. He showed her passion that came from a person's soul and could be shared intimately with another, he gave her a way to express herself physically to him. The only problem was that after it all she wished a little that he hadn't. It had been four long and horribly miserable months since that brief moment of pure happiness and though she wouldn't want to trade it, there were doubts in her head that refused to go away.

 

 

It was obvious now that Sesshomaru did not love her the way she wanted, obvious because the following morning he was nowhere to be found, all of his luggage from his home coming long gone and it destroyed her. She couldn't waste anymore of her time crying on Kohaku's shoulder wondering why the man who offered her the world, why the man who gave her everything couldn't give her the one thing he desired most. Why couldn't he give her love?

 

 

The song eventually ended, the ringing of the final notes thick in the air and her throat dry and hoarse from her singing and she was left with the unnerving silence. She licked her lips before looking up into the still recording camera, avoiding the need to gaze up at Kohaku to make sure she wasn't crying without the weakness of reaching to feel. Rin needed to be strong enough to do this or else there was no way she'd be able to move on with her life. She needed to gather what strength she had left to say goodbye to something she couldn't' spend the rest of her life waiting around for. It was now or never and she knew she'd be empty either way.

 

 

“I'm sorry Sesshomaru,” she said resisting the urge to bite down on her lower lip. “I have to go now, please just let me be.”

 

 

Tears threatened to fall this time, fighting her harder than they had before and she nodded to Kohaku waiting until the red light faded off before putting her precious cello and its bow back into their case, tiny droplets of moisture splashing onto the polished wood like rain. A gut-wrenching sob lunged from her throat and she covered her mouth with her hand trying to catch it only for a pair of strong arms to pull her forward and onto a lean and sturdy chest. Kohaku's words were gentle and comforting, his hand rubbing her back in smooth circles and for the first time in four months she was beginning to feel better.

 

 

“It's okay Rin,” he told her, his breath hot against her neck as he leaned down to zip up her cello's case. “It'll be alright. I'll help you get through this… shhh, it's okay.”

 

 

He held Rin tightly in his arms for what seemed like forever, merely holding her and nothing more as she cried out the newest wave of tears. Everything else was ready, all there was left was Rin and he didn't want to leave her, not in her current emotional state. When her tears finally subsided running completely dry his shirt was soaked, yet he offered her a small smile, wiped away the remnants of her tears and waited for her blue eyes to meet his.

 

 

“It's about that time,” he told her climbing to his feet. “Are you ready?”

 

 

Sniffling Rin nodded accepting Kohaku's offered hand and getting onto her feet. She had expected her legs to be wobbly like jello and they weren't, instead it sobered her up to where she was supposed to be. “Y-yeah I'm ready.”

 

 

Rin didn't glance back as Kohaku led her out of the studio, his warm hand still laced over hers. She didn't have the heart to spare another and no one was blaming her and if they did, they were idiots. All she had to do was keep telling herself that her life was only beginning and that things would get better. She had college to look forward to and Kohaku would be with her the entire way. The hard part was knowing that she was walking away from everything she'd known, that this time it wasn't Sesshomaru leaving her, but Rin leaving him.

 

 

 

-The End-

 

 

E/N: Well this story wasn't really happy, but I thought of it and I figured that any story happy or sad if Rin and Sesshomaru centric could go here! Lol I'm also working on a companion piece to my one-shot “Don't Close Your Eyes”, which is not located here with these short stories…

 

 

If you have yet to read it, mosey on down and do so… Also working on a few more short stories and new chapters to my other long-term ones. As always, please leave a review! They are always appreciated.