InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ A Never-Ending Love ❯ Chapter 7
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: DragonGrl 
The next day...Difficult choices and painful goodbyes...The past unveiled...What will happen to Sesshomaru and Rin's newfound relationship?
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 05.31.2005 | Updated On: 07.31.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.6K | Visits: 593 | Status: Work In Progress
The next day...Difficult choices and painful goodbyes...The past unveiled...What will happen to Sesshomaru and Rin's newfound relationship?
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 05.31.2005 | Updated On: 07.31.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.6K | Visits: 593 | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the InuYasha characters they belong to Rumiko Takahashi.
‘___’ Thought expressions
“Italic” Whisper expressions
Pain and anger surged through me that night as I cried myself to sleep, since it was the only thing I could do. I felt pain because I’d lost the love of my sister and pushed her away. She was the only link I had left to my parents and I’d lost it so easily, in just a blink of an eye. Also I was angry, angry at how everything had come to be. But that anger was more towards myself than at anything else. ‘Why did I let it get that far?’ I kept asking myself. I had many chances to stop and prevent something from happening but I chose not to take them. I couldn’t part from Sesshomaru, at that point, I was willing to let him stay with Kagome if he had to but as long as he was near me, I was satisfied. I was also angry at how easily I’d been subdued by him, all it took on his part was a kiss and he had me at his feet. But in reality the love I had for him was to blame for my weakness. I know he was hurt too, I could tell by the look he had in his eyes before I left. Yet all that could be done was to play the hand I’d been dealt and continue to live, alone. But deep down inside, that was what scared me to death, being alone. I’d been alone for too long and now that I knew how it felt to be loved by someone, even for just mere seconds, I didn’t want to go back to living in solitude but I was left with no other choice.
I ended up at a small café that was not too far. As I was eating, I couldn’t help thinking of what happened and remembered that it still wasn’t completely over yet. I still had to return and pick up the remainder of my things, which meant I had to see Kagome and Sesshomaru again, deepening the wound in my heart.
About an hour later, I finished eating and sat back in the chair. I looked up at the sky, noticing that there were no clouds present just the sun shining bright. If it would’ve been any other day, it would’ve been a beautiful day but at that moment, nothing felt beautiful to me. I couldn’t even feel the warmth of the sun just the coolness of the light breeze that was present. I lowered my head and sighed. Taking another a deep breath, “It’s time to go back.” I paid my tab, stood up and left. Before I headed towards the house, I stopped by a nearby store and picked up a couple of cardboard boxes, big enough to fit in the car. Once I was ready to go, I entered my car and closed my eyes. Taking one final deep breath, “Here we go,” before I started the engine and headed back to face my past.
Arriving to the house, I parked in the driveway and noticed that Kagome wasn’t home. I stepped off the car, grabbed the boxes from the back and made my way to the front door. Since I’d kept the house key, I didn’t need to knock. I opened the door and walked in expecting to see someone, but no one was there or it seemed like there was no one. Somehow I was a bit disappointed not finding anyone but at the same time I was relieved, so I sighed in relief and started walking towards my room. I started to pack everything, my clothes, my books and anything that I had there that belonged to me, I packed and began to take to the car. After a couple of trips, I had almost everything taken out except some little things. So as I was packing them, my mind wandered off somewhere and I was startled when I heard someone come into the room.
“Rin.”
I straightened up and my eyes widened when I heard my name being called. I slowly turned over my shoulder and gasped at the sight of him, “Sesshomaru.” He looked awful, a bit more than I did. He had circles under his eyes, as if he didn’t get a wink of sleep. His hair was all messed up and what immediately caught my attention was that he’d lost the glow I so loved from his eyes and it twisted my insides to see him like that because of me.
He looked around and turned back to me, shaking his head, “What’s going on? What happened to you? I called you many times and you didn’t pick up. I was worried.”
Sighing, I turned back and placed the last books on the bed into a small box. Shaking my head slightly, “Oh really, I didn’t hear my phone ring. I’m picking up the rest of my things, remember?”
Sounding surprised, “What? You’re really going to leave? Why?”
I picked up the box and turned towards him, frowning; “Do you still have to ask? My sister hates me more than anything in the world, why would I want to be here knowing that she feels that way towards me?”
He remained silent and started to look around the empty room. Shaking his head, his voice low, “This room will never be the same without you.” All I did was sigh and walked past him, heading towards the living room. Suddenly, he turned over and stopped me, “Rin, Wait!”
I stopped and turned towards him, placing the box on the floor, “What is it, Sesshomaru?”
He stood in front of me, looking into my eyes, “What if I asked you to stay? Would you stay?”
I was left speechless and my eyes widened at his question but I had made up my mind. Shaking my head, “I’m sorry Sesshomaru… I can’t stay,” bending down to pick up the box on the floor.
Suddenly, he reached out and held onto my elbow, preventing me from reaching the box. I straightened up and faced him, not saying a word. He reached up and cupped my cheek in his hand, caressing it with his thumb as we locked eyes, “Rin, If you won’t stay then where will you go?”
Before I answered, I lifted my hand and removed his from my cheek. Then I pulled my elbow away, my voice slightly stern; “I have a place actually. It’s in the outskirts of the city called Hillside Estates.” I could tell that he was hurt by my action but I just had to do it. I couldn’t let him near me again because I knew… I was sure… that that time, I wasn’t going to be able to hold myself back at all, for I would lose all forms of restraint. I was still too vulnerable to his charms, to his presence, to him.
His eyes saddened, shaking his head slightly, “So there isn’t a way to convince you to stay is there?”
The expression on his face nearly tore me apart. I hated having to do that to him but I was left with no other choice. I shook my head and couldn’t resist the urge to reach up and caress his cheek, in an effort to console him. My voice as low as a whisper, “No… I’m sorry, there isn’t. I’ve made up my mind.”
His eyes slightly widened and he grabbed hold of my hand, turning his head over to place a kiss on my palm. Suddenly he reached out and pulled me in, wrapping his arms tightly around me, embracing me. His embrace feeling as if he was never going to see me again and he might’ve been right.
I was caught completely off guard and even gasped when I felt him gather me in his arms. I didn’t know how to react and I was left frozen still but the feeling of his breath tickling the back of my neck and the feel of him just close to me brought me back to reality. A cruel reality of knowing that I loved him dearly and even though we felt the same for each other, it was a love that could never be. Without any thought, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. I had to feel him close to me again because I knew that it was probably going to be my last chance and I wasn’t going to let it pass me by.
I lifted my head and whispered in his right ear, “I’m going to miss you.”
I felt him start to nuzzle my neck and he lightly brushed his lips up to my ear; “I’ll miss you too.” He buried his head in my shoulder and I felt him squeeze my upper body as he took a deep breath and sighed, shaking his head, “Rin, I don’t want to lose you like this. I love you and can’t bear to see you walk away and disappear. But I have nothing to offer you, absolutely nothing only my heart.”
I felt my heart skip a beat that instant when he said the words I’ve been longing to hear from his lips for so long, that he loved me. But I was stuck between two worlds and I had to make a choice. I had to choose to live either in the one with the love and support of my only sister or the one with the man that I love and lose my sister forever. I’m pretty sure another person would’ve chosen to live with the one they love but in my situation, it was much different. I had no one left, no family, no friends just my sister. She was the one who stuck by me all of those years when I was almost at the point of closing myself to the entire world. But instead, I decided to live in a world where neither of them were going to be involved in it. Maybe that way, I could try to forget all that happened and try to forget Sesshomaru, but I knew it was going to be something very difficult to do. I was going to do it in an effort to try and live my own life, alone and separated from everyone else.
I loosened my embrace and pulled back, looking at him and shaking my head, “Sess, please don’t do this. Not now, don’t make it harder than it already is. Just continue your life as if I never existed.”
He pulled me in once more and I could feel him shake his head, “That’s impossible. I can’t just forget you like that. You mean a lot to me and besides I’m also to blame for Kagome hating you, for making you leave.”
His words bringing me to tears but I fought them back. I felt awful, having him pour his heart out to me and was unable to accept it. I couldn’t do or even say anything, just stuck to my ground and continued to push him away. Painfully hoping that it will somehow convince him that it wasn’t meant to be.
I held onto his arms and closed my eyes, lifting my head up to whisper in his ear, “Then let me go.”
He pulled back and looked at me, surprised, “What?”
Nodding, still trying to hold back my tears but it was becoming hard to, “Let me go. If you love me like you say you do, you’ll let me go. Just like I’ll do to you.” Releasing him, I looked into his eyes, holding back from crying. I didn’t want to cry I wanted to show him that I was serious and crying wasn’t going to prove my point.
He remained silent, just continued to look at me. When all of a sudden, I felt him release me and take a step back, not breaking the link we had with our eyes.
The way he looked at me was breaking me apart inside. I couldn’t handle it anymore, I had to leave as soon as possible otherwise I was going to change my mind. So I picked up the box and looked at him for one last time, “Thank You.” I turned over and walked out the door, biting my lip so I wouldn’t cry in front of him. As I stepped out, a tear began to roll down my cheek but then I saw that Kagome had arrived and was walking towards the house.
I put down the box, wiped the tear away and reached into my pocket, pulling out a key. She walked up to me and I held the key up to her, “Here’s the key to the house. The room is empty and at your disposal.”
Her eyes were still filled with much hatred when she looked at me and it sent chills throughout my entire body. At that moment, I realized that it was going to take a long time before she would forgive me for all the hard times.
Snatching the key from my hand, “Good” and continued to walk.
Turning over, “Kagome.”
She stopped and turned towards me, sounding frustrated, “What?”
I looked down at my hands, fidgeting them; “I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.” Looking up at her, shaking my head, “No matter what, I still love you and will be there for you if you ever need me.”
“Humph… Just leave.” Waving her hand at me as she turned around and walked into the house.
I was heartbroken to see such a reaction come from her but I deserved it no matter what. For all of those times I betrayed her trust or at least to her it seemed like I did, nothing I could do would help me regain it.
I turned around, picked up the box and finally headed towards the car. Placing the last box into the trunk, I shut it and walked up to the driver’s seat, opening the door. I took one last look at the house and suddenly, tears started to roll down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and stepped into the car. Starting it up, I drove off, leaving all my memories of the house behind and went on to live my life alone like it should’ve been in the first place.
When I arrived to my new home, I parked the car in the garage and immediately started to unload all the boxes. As I was unloading them, I kept thinking of Sesshomaru’s confession and kept picturing the way Kagome had looked at me; it felt as if someone was continuously stabbing at my heart. My life had fallen apart the moment I fell in love again and it was the reason why I ended up in the position I was in. Once I finished unloading, I walked into the living room and jumped face down onto the sofa. I immediately started to cry again, mourning the loss of the love of my sister and the unconditional love I had from Sesshomaru. I kept crying painful sobs into the pillow until I heard my cell phone ring. I looked up and stood, walking up to the dining room table where my purse was. Digging through it, I found my cell phone and looked at the caller ID. It was Ayame; I cleared my throat and tried to sound as normal as possible when I picked up the phone.
“Hello.
Hello Rin, how are you?
-Sniffling a bit- ‘I’m ok and yourself?’
I’m doing well. Thank you. What’s wrong dear? You sound like you’ve been crying.
-Meanwhile, tears continued to scroll down my cheeks and I was beginning to lose control fast. I couldn’t lie to her, she was the only one I could rely on and I felt like I had to tell her the truth- ‘I’m not ok actually. I’ve been crying since last night when I had to leave the house.’
-Sounding surprised- What? You left the house? You mean that you’re not living with Kagome anymore?
-I lost total control and began to cry on the phone. Speaking in-between sobs, ‘No… I don’t… live with her… anymore. She… kicked… me out… last night.’
Oh my god, what happened? No, don’t tell me. Where are you now? I’ll go over there immediately.
I’m at Hojo’s… apartment… I had… no where else… to go… so I came here.
All right! Don’t go anywhere! I’m on my way.
Ok”
Once I hung up with Ayame, I returned to the sofa and continued to cry until she got there. About 15 minutes later, she arrived and stayed with me for the rest of the night. I told her everything about Sesshomaru’s confession; my feelings for him explained the past experiences and Kagome’s reaction to them. She kept trying to comfort me by telling me that ‘everything’s going to be ok’ but that phrase was becoming hard to believe, no matter from who it came from.
Atsushi was Kagome’s first official “boyfriend” and the one who started this awful curse upon me. He claimed that he never really liked Kagome but was just using her to get closer to me. I tried telling her and advising her to think things through about her relationship with him but she kept twisting my words and took my advice the wrong way. She started supposing that I was trying to break them up so I could go out with him. She was wrong and I kept telling her that but she never believed me and obviously still didn’t. Although since I didn’t comply with Atsushi’s requests, he eventually gave up and dumped Kagome for she was of no use to him anymore.
Then, there was Yuki. Losing him was what hurt her the most because he meant the world to her. They met at the end of their junior year in high school. They dated throughout their senior year and were always together. They seemed to be completely inseparable. She claimed that he was the love of her life and they even made plans to marry once they were done with their studies. Until those plans fell apart because of me. It happened slightly after the accident. Yuki was the one that comforted Kagome during those hard times; he helped her with everything despite his busy schedule at school. Thus meaning that he had to help her deal with me. After a couple of months when I started returning to normal, he began coming around when Kagome wasn’t home and claimed that he wanted to hang out with me. Since I was completely aware of Kagome’s feelings towards him, I constantly rejected him. I pushed him away and even had to get one of my friends to pose as my boyfriend to get him away from me but that still didn’t stop him. Until one day, he confessed to me that he’d fallen in love with me and wanted to try things out even if it meant breaking what he had with Kagome. I had a feeling that what he really was, was confused and not in love. I felt that the “love” he claimed to have was most likely pity since he got to see me come out of my worst. Even though I constantly told him that, he kept on insisting until one day Kagome over heard him telling me that he didn’t care about her anymore and what he wanted was me. Kagome went ballistic and kicked both of us out. At that time, my aunt and uncle were living with us but they were hardly ever home, they spent most of the time vacationing. Luckily my neighbors heard the commotion and allowed me to stay in their home until my aunt and uncle returned. Plus I was only 17 when it happened, I really didn’t have anywhere else I could go. So when they finally arrived, I was allowed to return home and punished Kagome for her actions. I felt awful but she didn’t even give me a chance to explain what really happened before she exploded. Ever since then, she’s had a bitter bone against me. But I guess she had to accept that because I’m her sister, she couldn’t just dump me anywhere. She eventually got over it but never forgot about it.
Believe it or not, the third one was Kohaku. Now with him though, it was much different. When they started dating, he wouldn’t even direct a word towards me only to say hi or ask me something, that was it and I wouldn’t do anything to get his attention either. Later as they kept dating and things began to get serious; he kept coming to me asking me for advice when things between them got a little rough. So naturally, we began to talk more often. When Kagome noticed it, that was when she decided to end it between them. Claiming, just like I had mentioned before, that he was too “nice” for her. But I knew the truth, it was because she was afraid of the past repeating itself and decided to end it before it could. Kohaku could probably be considered as an exception but in my perspective it still counts. Why? Because I was the reason why Kagome ended her relationship with him, to avoid being hurt again.
Finally we come down to Sesshomaru, the last and latest one on the list. Now with him it was completely different in comparison to all the others. With him, I wanted his attention, longed for it. I needed to be around him or at least know that he was there and towards the end, I wanted him by my side. Also what made it completely different was that I loved him as well. I never felt anything for the others just wanted them to be happy at Kagome’s side. But they ended up doing exactly the opposite and I ended paying the price for it.
I’ve had to carry this burden with me for a long time. These moments scraping through my conscience every time I saw Kagome with someone new. Each of them adding to the pile of awful memories I had of the others and made them worse, making me feel like how she’d called me, a slut. Even though I never had anything to do with them, that’s how I felt like sometimes. I deeply regretted all those times and would do anything to make them disappear, just as long as I was able to have Kagome back on my side and not against me. But I guess fate has a strange way of setting peoples lives and sometimes it is necessary to give up something in order to gain another. Even if it’s the person you most dearly love, I was more than willing to accept it but only fate knew who the person I was going to gain will be. All I was left to do was wait, wait until fate decided when that day would finally come, when I would no longer be alone.
‘___’ Thought expressions
“Italic” Whisper expressions
Pain and anger surged through me that night as I cried myself to sleep, since it was the only thing I could do. I felt pain because I’d lost the love of my sister and pushed her away. She was the only link I had left to my parents and I’d lost it so easily, in just a blink of an eye. Also I was angry, angry at how everything had come to be. But that anger was more towards myself than at anything else. ‘Why did I let it get that far?’ I kept asking myself. I had many chances to stop and prevent something from happening but I chose not to take them. I couldn’t part from Sesshomaru, at that point, I was willing to let him stay with Kagome if he had to but as long as he was near me, I was satisfied. I was also angry at how easily I’d been subdued by him, all it took on his part was a kiss and he had me at his feet. But in reality the love I had for him was to blame for my weakness. I know he was hurt too, I could tell by the look he had in his eyes before I left. Yet all that could be done was to play the hand I’d been dealt and continue to live, alone. But deep down inside, that was what scared me to death, being alone. I’d been alone for too long and now that I knew how it felt to be loved by someone, even for just mere seconds, I didn’t want to go back to living in solitude but I was left with no other choice.
~*~*~*~
That morning I awoke to a pounding headache and every muscle in my body screaming in pain, of the position I’d slept in. Stretching out, I leaned back and placed my head on the door. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my body slowly waking up. I stayed like that for a couple of minutes, just clearing my head before I opened my eyes again and looked at the ceiling. Once I felt fully awake, I lowered my head and started to stand. I gave myself one good final stretch before I walked up to the sink. I opened the faucet and hoped something would come out of it. When water started rushing out of the spout, I sighed. Thankfully Ayame had kept the utilities on. I leaned over the sink and placed my hands under the running water, splashing some on my face. I straightened up and looked myself in the mirror; my eyes were really red and puffy, I looked horrible. Leaning down again, I splashed more water and stretched my arm out to grab the nearest towel. As I was patting my face dry, I turned towards the door and that’s when it finally hit me, I was not at home anymore. Placing the towel on top of the sink, I turned and walked towards the door. Opening it, I closed my eyes and turned away from the bright light that was coming in through the windows. After a couple of seconds, I opened them again and let my eyes adjust to the light in the room. Once they did, I turned back and headed towards the living room. I walked around and sat on the couch, grabbing my purse. Looking through it, I pulled out my cell phone. When I opened the phone, it said that I had 15 missed calls listed and when I checked the number, they were all from Sesshomaru. Turning away, I threw it back in my purse and stood up, making my way towards the kitchen. I started looking around trying to find something edible but found nothing. It was empty; there wasn’t anything just all the kitchen utensils. I was hungry considering I hadn’t eaten anything since the previous morning. I walked back to the living room, grabbed the bag and headed to the bathroom to clean up. Once I was finished, I headed out to grab a bite.I ended up at a small café that was not too far. As I was eating, I couldn’t help thinking of what happened and remembered that it still wasn’t completely over yet. I still had to return and pick up the remainder of my things, which meant I had to see Kagome and Sesshomaru again, deepening the wound in my heart.
About an hour later, I finished eating and sat back in the chair. I looked up at the sky, noticing that there were no clouds present just the sun shining bright. If it would’ve been any other day, it would’ve been a beautiful day but at that moment, nothing felt beautiful to me. I couldn’t even feel the warmth of the sun just the coolness of the light breeze that was present. I lowered my head and sighed. Taking another a deep breath, “It’s time to go back.” I paid my tab, stood up and left. Before I headed towards the house, I stopped by a nearby store and picked up a couple of cardboard boxes, big enough to fit in the car. Once I was ready to go, I entered my car and closed my eyes. Taking one final deep breath, “Here we go,” before I started the engine and headed back to face my past.
Arriving to the house, I parked in the driveway and noticed that Kagome wasn’t home. I stepped off the car, grabbed the boxes from the back and made my way to the front door. Since I’d kept the house key, I didn’t need to knock. I opened the door and walked in expecting to see someone, but no one was there or it seemed like there was no one. Somehow I was a bit disappointed not finding anyone but at the same time I was relieved, so I sighed in relief and started walking towards my room. I started to pack everything, my clothes, my books and anything that I had there that belonged to me, I packed and began to take to the car. After a couple of trips, I had almost everything taken out except some little things. So as I was packing them, my mind wandered off somewhere and I was startled when I heard someone come into the room.
“Rin.”
I straightened up and my eyes widened when I heard my name being called. I slowly turned over my shoulder and gasped at the sight of him, “Sesshomaru.” He looked awful, a bit more than I did. He had circles under his eyes, as if he didn’t get a wink of sleep. His hair was all messed up and what immediately caught my attention was that he’d lost the glow I so loved from his eyes and it twisted my insides to see him like that because of me.
He looked around and turned back to me, shaking his head, “What’s going on? What happened to you? I called you many times and you didn’t pick up. I was worried.”
Sighing, I turned back and placed the last books on the bed into a small box. Shaking my head slightly, “Oh really, I didn’t hear my phone ring. I’m picking up the rest of my things, remember?”
Sounding surprised, “What? You’re really going to leave? Why?”
I picked up the box and turned towards him, frowning; “Do you still have to ask? My sister hates me more than anything in the world, why would I want to be here knowing that she feels that way towards me?”
He remained silent and started to look around the empty room. Shaking his head, his voice low, “This room will never be the same without you.” All I did was sigh and walked past him, heading towards the living room. Suddenly, he turned over and stopped me, “Rin, Wait!”
I stopped and turned towards him, placing the box on the floor, “What is it, Sesshomaru?”
He stood in front of me, looking into my eyes, “What if I asked you to stay? Would you stay?”
I was left speechless and my eyes widened at his question but I had made up my mind. Shaking my head, “I’m sorry Sesshomaru… I can’t stay,” bending down to pick up the box on the floor.
Suddenly, he reached out and held onto my elbow, preventing me from reaching the box. I straightened up and faced him, not saying a word. He reached up and cupped my cheek in his hand, caressing it with his thumb as we locked eyes, “Rin, If you won’t stay then where will you go?”
Before I answered, I lifted my hand and removed his from my cheek. Then I pulled my elbow away, my voice slightly stern; “I have a place actually. It’s in the outskirts of the city called Hillside Estates.” I could tell that he was hurt by my action but I just had to do it. I couldn’t let him near me again because I knew… I was sure… that that time, I wasn’t going to be able to hold myself back at all, for I would lose all forms of restraint. I was still too vulnerable to his charms, to his presence, to him.
His eyes saddened, shaking his head slightly, “So there isn’t a way to convince you to stay is there?”
The expression on his face nearly tore me apart. I hated having to do that to him but I was left with no other choice. I shook my head and couldn’t resist the urge to reach up and caress his cheek, in an effort to console him. My voice as low as a whisper, “No… I’m sorry, there isn’t. I’ve made up my mind.”
His eyes slightly widened and he grabbed hold of my hand, turning his head over to place a kiss on my palm. Suddenly he reached out and pulled me in, wrapping his arms tightly around me, embracing me. His embrace feeling as if he was never going to see me again and he might’ve been right.
I was caught completely off guard and even gasped when I felt him gather me in his arms. I didn’t know how to react and I was left frozen still but the feeling of his breath tickling the back of my neck and the feel of him just close to me brought me back to reality. A cruel reality of knowing that I loved him dearly and even though we felt the same for each other, it was a love that could never be. Without any thought, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. I had to feel him close to me again because I knew that it was probably going to be my last chance and I wasn’t going to let it pass me by.
I lifted my head and whispered in his right ear, “I’m going to miss you.”
I felt him start to nuzzle my neck and he lightly brushed his lips up to my ear; “I’ll miss you too.” He buried his head in my shoulder and I felt him squeeze my upper body as he took a deep breath and sighed, shaking his head, “Rin, I don’t want to lose you like this. I love you and can’t bear to see you walk away and disappear. But I have nothing to offer you, absolutely nothing only my heart.”
I felt my heart skip a beat that instant when he said the words I’ve been longing to hear from his lips for so long, that he loved me. But I was stuck between two worlds and I had to make a choice. I had to choose to live either in the one with the love and support of my only sister or the one with the man that I love and lose my sister forever. I’m pretty sure another person would’ve chosen to live with the one they love but in my situation, it was much different. I had no one left, no family, no friends just my sister. She was the one who stuck by me all of those years when I was almost at the point of closing myself to the entire world. But instead, I decided to live in a world where neither of them were going to be involved in it. Maybe that way, I could try to forget all that happened and try to forget Sesshomaru, but I knew it was going to be something very difficult to do. I was going to do it in an effort to try and live my own life, alone and separated from everyone else.
I loosened my embrace and pulled back, looking at him and shaking my head, “Sess, please don’t do this. Not now, don’t make it harder than it already is. Just continue your life as if I never existed.”
He pulled me in once more and I could feel him shake his head, “That’s impossible. I can’t just forget you like that. You mean a lot to me and besides I’m also to blame for Kagome hating you, for making you leave.”
His words bringing me to tears but I fought them back. I felt awful, having him pour his heart out to me and was unable to accept it. I couldn’t do or even say anything, just stuck to my ground and continued to push him away. Painfully hoping that it will somehow convince him that it wasn’t meant to be.
I held onto his arms and closed my eyes, lifting my head up to whisper in his ear, “Then let me go.”
He pulled back and looked at me, surprised, “What?”
Nodding, still trying to hold back my tears but it was becoming hard to, “Let me go. If you love me like you say you do, you’ll let me go. Just like I’ll do to you.” Releasing him, I looked into his eyes, holding back from crying. I didn’t want to cry I wanted to show him that I was serious and crying wasn’t going to prove my point.
He remained silent, just continued to look at me. When all of a sudden, I felt him release me and take a step back, not breaking the link we had with our eyes.
The way he looked at me was breaking me apart inside. I couldn’t handle it anymore, I had to leave as soon as possible otherwise I was going to change my mind. So I picked up the box and looked at him for one last time, “Thank You.” I turned over and walked out the door, biting my lip so I wouldn’t cry in front of him. As I stepped out, a tear began to roll down my cheek but then I saw that Kagome had arrived and was walking towards the house.
I put down the box, wiped the tear away and reached into my pocket, pulling out a key. She walked up to me and I held the key up to her, “Here’s the key to the house. The room is empty and at your disposal.”
Her eyes were still filled with much hatred when she looked at me and it sent chills throughout my entire body. At that moment, I realized that it was going to take a long time before she would forgive me for all the hard times.
Snatching the key from my hand, “Good” and continued to walk.
Turning over, “Kagome.”
She stopped and turned towards me, sounding frustrated, “What?”
I looked down at my hands, fidgeting them; “I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.” Looking up at her, shaking my head, “No matter what, I still love you and will be there for you if you ever need me.”
“Humph… Just leave.” Waving her hand at me as she turned around and walked into the house.
I was heartbroken to see such a reaction come from her but I deserved it no matter what. For all of those times I betrayed her trust or at least to her it seemed like I did, nothing I could do would help me regain it.
I turned around, picked up the box and finally headed towards the car. Placing the last box into the trunk, I shut it and walked up to the driver’s seat, opening the door. I took one last look at the house and suddenly, tears started to roll down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and stepped into the car. Starting it up, I drove off, leaving all my memories of the house behind and went on to live my life alone like it should’ve been in the first place.
When I arrived to my new home, I parked the car in the garage and immediately started to unload all the boxes. As I was unloading them, I kept thinking of Sesshomaru’s confession and kept picturing the way Kagome had looked at me; it felt as if someone was continuously stabbing at my heart. My life had fallen apart the moment I fell in love again and it was the reason why I ended up in the position I was in. Once I finished unloading, I walked into the living room and jumped face down onto the sofa. I immediately started to cry again, mourning the loss of the love of my sister and the unconditional love I had from Sesshomaru. I kept crying painful sobs into the pillow until I heard my cell phone ring. I looked up and stood, walking up to the dining room table where my purse was. Digging through it, I found my cell phone and looked at the caller ID. It was Ayame; I cleared my throat and tried to sound as normal as possible when I picked up the phone.
“Hello.
Hello Rin, how are you?
-Sniffling a bit- ‘I’m ok and yourself?’
I’m doing well. Thank you. What’s wrong dear? You sound like you’ve been crying.
-Meanwhile, tears continued to scroll down my cheeks and I was beginning to lose control fast. I couldn’t lie to her, she was the only one I could rely on and I felt like I had to tell her the truth- ‘I’m not ok actually. I’ve been crying since last night when I had to leave the house.’
-Sounding surprised- What? You left the house? You mean that you’re not living with Kagome anymore?
-I lost total control and began to cry on the phone. Speaking in-between sobs, ‘No… I don’t… live with her… anymore. She… kicked… me out… last night.’
Oh my god, what happened? No, don’t tell me. Where are you now? I’ll go over there immediately.
I’m at Hojo’s… apartment… I had… no where else… to go… so I came here.
All right! Don’t go anywhere! I’m on my way.
Ok”
Once I hung up with Ayame, I returned to the sofa and continued to cry until she got there. About 15 minutes later, she arrived and stayed with me for the rest of the night. I told her everything about Sesshomaru’s confession; my feelings for him explained the past experiences and Kagome’s reaction to them. She kept trying to comfort me by telling me that ‘everything’s going to be ok’ but that phrase was becoming hard to believe, no matter from who it came from.
~*~*~*~
I’m pretty sure you’re wondering by now, how many times did it happen before? Well, it happened 3 times, Sesshomaru made it the 4th.Atsushi was Kagome’s first official “boyfriend” and the one who started this awful curse upon me. He claimed that he never really liked Kagome but was just using her to get closer to me. I tried telling her and advising her to think things through about her relationship with him but she kept twisting my words and took my advice the wrong way. She started supposing that I was trying to break them up so I could go out with him. She was wrong and I kept telling her that but she never believed me and obviously still didn’t. Although since I didn’t comply with Atsushi’s requests, he eventually gave up and dumped Kagome for she was of no use to him anymore.
Then, there was Yuki. Losing him was what hurt her the most because he meant the world to her. They met at the end of their junior year in high school. They dated throughout their senior year and were always together. They seemed to be completely inseparable. She claimed that he was the love of her life and they even made plans to marry once they were done with their studies. Until those plans fell apart because of me. It happened slightly after the accident. Yuki was the one that comforted Kagome during those hard times; he helped her with everything despite his busy schedule at school. Thus meaning that he had to help her deal with me. After a couple of months when I started returning to normal, he began coming around when Kagome wasn’t home and claimed that he wanted to hang out with me. Since I was completely aware of Kagome’s feelings towards him, I constantly rejected him. I pushed him away and even had to get one of my friends to pose as my boyfriend to get him away from me but that still didn’t stop him. Until one day, he confessed to me that he’d fallen in love with me and wanted to try things out even if it meant breaking what he had with Kagome. I had a feeling that what he really was, was confused and not in love. I felt that the “love” he claimed to have was most likely pity since he got to see me come out of my worst. Even though I constantly told him that, he kept on insisting until one day Kagome over heard him telling me that he didn’t care about her anymore and what he wanted was me. Kagome went ballistic and kicked both of us out. At that time, my aunt and uncle were living with us but they were hardly ever home, they spent most of the time vacationing. Luckily my neighbors heard the commotion and allowed me to stay in their home until my aunt and uncle returned. Plus I was only 17 when it happened, I really didn’t have anywhere else I could go. So when they finally arrived, I was allowed to return home and punished Kagome for her actions. I felt awful but she didn’t even give me a chance to explain what really happened before she exploded. Ever since then, she’s had a bitter bone against me. But I guess she had to accept that because I’m her sister, she couldn’t just dump me anywhere. She eventually got over it but never forgot about it.
Believe it or not, the third one was Kohaku. Now with him though, it was much different. When they started dating, he wouldn’t even direct a word towards me only to say hi or ask me something, that was it and I wouldn’t do anything to get his attention either. Later as they kept dating and things began to get serious; he kept coming to me asking me for advice when things between them got a little rough. So naturally, we began to talk more often. When Kagome noticed it, that was when she decided to end it between them. Claiming, just like I had mentioned before, that he was too “nice” for her. But I knew the truth, it was because she was afraid of the past repeating itself and decided to end it before it could. Kohaku could probably be considered as an exception but in my perspective it still counts. Why? Because I was the reason why Kagome ended her relationship with him, to avoid being hurt again.
Finally we come down to Sesshomaru, the last and latest one on the list. Now with him it was completely different in comparison to all the others. With him, I wanted his attention, longed for it. I needed to be around him or at least know that he was there and towards the end, I wanted him by my side. Also what made it completely different was that I loved him as well. I never felt anything for the others just wanted them to be happy at Kagome’s side. But they ended up doing exactly the opposite and I ended paying the price for it.
I’ve had to carry this burden with me for a long time. These moments scraping through my conscience every time I saw Kagome with someone new. Each of them adding to the pile of awful memories I had of the others and made them worse, making me feel like how she’d called me, a slut. Even though I never had anything to do with them, that’s how I felt like sometimes. I deeply regretted all those times and would do anything to make them disappear, just as long as I was able to have Kagome back on my side and not against me. But I guess fate has a strange way of setting peoples lives and sometimes it is necessary to give up something in order to gain another. Even if it’s the person you most dearly love, I was more than willing to accept it but only fate knew who the person I was going to gain will be. All I was left to do was wait, wait until fate decided when that day would finally come, when I would no longer be alone.
~*~*~*~