InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Chou Shoki I: Learning from Yesterday ❯ Chapter 31 ( Chapter 30 )

Where there is mystery, it is generally suspected there must be evil.

- Lord Byron

 

 

CHAPTER 31

 

We entered the city through the south entrance. It was still very early in the morning and only a few villagers were running around doing their daily tasks. Some of them bowed, or waved by and still others smiled as they greeted me. Two young girls came up to me to offer to sell some oranges which I paid and took the entire basket, which I gave to a woman and child looking through the trash on the streets.

 

The walk to the palace was about twenty five minutes from the south entrance, so I decided to first offer my thanks at the temple for a safe trip and it would also give me a chance to see Kazuo. Perhaps he could offer a solution to my “attaching” problem with the child.

 

Kazuo was the Buddhist monk in charge of most temples. He was only nineteen years old. Kazuo, Hiro and Kyo had been best friends growing up. (Hiro and Kazuo still talked but their respective duties had somehow drawn them apart.) Most women usually piled at the temple where he resided in order to `chat' with him. I couldn't blame them. The man was indeed very handsome. With smoldering black eyes, flawless tanned skin, a kind heart, mesmerizing smile and the body of a warrior under his robes, he was one of the most sought out men. Unfortunately for women species, he was deeply devoted to his beliefs and led a chaste life, evident in the shaving of his head.

 

When I reached the temple, one of the attending monks told me Kazuo had left on an urgent calling from one of the daimyo in the neighboring city. Apparently his daughter was thought to be possessed by an evil spirit. He also informed me that the messenger had first asked for me but on my absence, sought out the monk. Heaving a sigh, I thanked him and proceeded to offer my thanks. Afterwards, I continued home.

 

One hour later, we were crossing the bridge to the palace entrance and the guards greeted me with a bow and notified me that the okami was waiting for me in the gardens. We quickly made my way to my heya and tossed my yumi. I told Eriko to stay with Kirara. On my way to the gardens, I stopped to greet Lana and warned her about Eriko, saying that I would explain about the child when I had finished my discussion with my father.

 

Once outside, I found my father already practicing his kendo and motioned for me to spar with him. During our small practice, another servant came to tell my father that more responses had returned. He ordered me to stop and asked me to take a seat.

 

“As you know, it has been seven years since you came back.” He looked at me and I nodded. “We agreed that six years after your return, I would make a decision regarding the Shikon no Tama. I am aware that I am a year late, but with so many intrusions last year, it was impossible to get to this matter. Nevertheless, I have decided to announce it in two weeks at a small banquet I have planned. Invitations have already been sent out and most of the replies have made it back.”

 

Something in the back of my mind was screaming that something was not right. My otou-san hated festivities and for him to suddenly want to host such an event - well, it was just too suspicious. Holding on to my qualms, I replied coolly, “Of course, my lord.”

 

“Rippa (magnificent)! I expect you to wear one of the royal kimono that belonged to your mother as well as taking your old rooms inside the castle.” As if sensing my imposition, he added, “That's final, Aijou. It is just two days. If you can fight the fiercest of demons then you can certainly handle a kimono for two nights and mingle among your fellow courtesans.” He lifted me up from my sitting position on the grass and went inside.

 

Walking in the opposite direction, I opened the door to my `cabin' and went directly to the cold bath awaiting me. Inside the large wooden tub, I contemplated what my father told me. I was ecstatic that I was finally ridding myself of the damn jewel and its burden. However, I had made a promise to my okaa-san and myself years ago - that when the time came for me to pass on the jewel, I would do it to someone that I knew would be able to defend it. In the wrong hands, the jewel was a weapon of mass destruction.

 

When I finally lifted myself from the water, I looked like a giant prune. I put on another clean set of clothing and walked into the other room. The youki from Sesshoumaru halted my steps but I did not go outside. He was closing in on the palace with rapid speed. I almost laughed at the thought of him bumping with my barrier, but I remembered the necklace I left him the day I left and shrugged.

 

I sat and braced myself for another fight. I waited. And waited. And waited... and waited. Tapping my fingers on the wooden floor, I began to feel my patience shorten. His mark channeled his desire to me in waves, each one stronger than the last one. He was taunting me and trying to lure me out. Apparently, he either wanted to still fight or he was trying to see how much I wanted to see him. Well, two could play at that game.

 

Sitting on my futon, I relaxed and pulled up one of my legs so my wrist was resting on it. Let's see how much he wanted to see me. I didn't have to wait much. Well, not long enough. He came inside and glared at me. I ignored him and continued to stare at the armoire against the wall in front of the futon. We both sat in silence, he in the steps that led down into the `cabin' and me on the bed. Sesshoumaru was staring at a small candle in the corner, watching the wax drip down to the taper of the candle stick.

 

When the fourteenth drop of wax rolled down the candle, sliding along the column until it hardened in place, Sesshoumaru turned to me and said, “I'm sorry.” Amazingly the words I expected never came out and instead those two simple words changed my entire mood.

 

“Indeed,” I said, hearing surprise in my voice even though I hadn't intended it. He semi-walked over to the futon and sat facing me.

 

He gave my hand a squeeze. “How long have you been like this?” I lifted a brow to inquire about his strange question. It took me several moments to understand what he was asking.

 

“Last night? Or in my life?”

 

“Both.”

 

“Last night... since the first clap of thunder. I get quite anxious when it begins to rain, but as long as there is no thunder and lightening, I'm all right. It's not the rain, actually, which upsets me, but just the thought that it might grow into something more.” I swallowed, licking my dry lips before I continued. “To answer your other query, like I said before, it's simply a part of me. It's quite foolish that I can fight demons without the slightest of fears. I know - ”

 

“It's not foolish,” he interjected.

 

I didn't even know why I was being so open with him. Most of all, I hated that he was starting to see through me.

 

“You're very sweet to think so,” I said with disgust, “but you're wrong. Nothing could be more foolish than to fear something so natural.”

 

“Sometimes...” Sesshoumaru said in a halting voice, “sometimes there are reasons for our fears that we can't quite explain. Sometimes it's just something we feel in our bones, something we know to be true, but would sound foolish to anyone else.”

 

I stared at him intently, watching his golden eyes darken and catching my breath at the flash of pain I saw in the brief second before he looked away. And I knew - with every fiber of my being - that he wasn't speaking of intangibles. He was talking about his own fears, something very specific that haunted him every day.

 

Something I knew I did not have the right to ask him about. I had shared with him two of three of my inner most secrets, which no single person knew. But I wished - oh, how I wished - that when he was ready to face his fears, I could be the one to help him.

 

What the hell was I thinking!

 

That wasn't to be. He would marry someone else, maybe even Michiru, and only his wife would have the right to talk to him about such personal matters. Risking rejection, I placed my palm on his cheek and turned his face to me. His widened eyes showed his surprise at my gesture, but he made no motion to stop me.

 

In an almost inaudible and most gentle whisper, I shocked us both when I asked, “What do you fear Sesshoumaru?”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In an almost inaudible and most gentle whisper she said, “What do you fear Sesshoumaru?”

 

He shook his head. Proximity would only make it that much more difficult. “Something happened to me when my okaa-san died,” he added.

 

“You were very close to her, weren't you?”

 

He nodded. “Closer than I'd ever been to anyone, until I met you. Ujio and Juro are really close but I have never spoken about this to them.”

 

Her eyes glistened. “What happened?”

 

“It was very unexpected,” he said. His voice was flat, as if he were recounting an obscure news item and not the single most disturbing event of his life. “A very poisonous bee.” She nodded.

 

“Who would have thought a bee could kill a youkai?” Sesshoumaru said with a caustic laugh.

 

“It would have been funny if it weren't so tragic. I stayed with her throughout the night. She was dead, of course, but I needed a little more time. I just sat beside her and watched her face.” Another short burst of angry laughter escaped his lips. “Kami I was just ten years old. I think I half expected her to open her eyes at any moment.”

 

“I don't think that's foolish,” Kagome said softly. “I've seen death too many times. It's hard to believe someone is gone when he looks so normal and at peace.”

 

“I don't know when it happened,” Sesshoumaru said, “but by morning I was sure.”

 

“That she was dead?” she asked.

 

“No,” he said roughly, “that I would be, too.”

 

He waited for her to comment, he waited for her to cry, to do anything, but she just sat there staring at him with no perceptible change of expression, until finally he had to say, “I'm not as great a demon as my mother would have wanted me to.”

 

“She might choose to disagree,” she added quietly.

 

“Well, she's not here to do that, is she?” Sesshoumaru snapped.

 

Again she said nothing. Again he felt like a heel.

 

He cursed under his breath and pressed his fingers against his temples. His head was starting to throb. He was starting to feel dizzy, and he realized that he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. Standing rather abruptly he hit his head on the low roof, turned and tried to pace twice.

 

He sagged against a wall with a long, weary exhale, and said, “Just let me tell you. Don't talk, don't interrupt, don't judge. It's hard enough to get it out as it is. Can you do that for me?”

 

She nodded.

 

Sesshoumaru took a shaky breath. “My mother was the greatest demoness I've ever known. Not a day goes by when I don't realize that I'm not living up to her standards. I knew that she was everything to which I could aspire. I might not ever match my father's greatness like she wanted to, but if I could come close I'd be satisfied. That's all I ever wanted. Just to come close.”

 

“If there was one thing I knew,” he whispered, somehow finding the courage to keep his eyes focused on hers, “it was that I would never surpass him, or rather her. Especially in years.”

 

“What are you trying to tell me?” she whispered.

 

He shrugged helplessly. “I know it makes no sense. I know I can offer no rational explanation. But since that night when I sat with my mother's dead body, I knew I couldn't possibly live any longer that she had. No one in her side of the family ever has lived longer than two hundred ten”

 

He watched as she straightened her legs, crossed her arms in her chest and nibble on her lower lip. He'd seen her do that before, he realized - whenever she was disturbed or deep in thought.

 

“Well you're wrong. I don't think it sounds ludicrous at all. It sounds like a perfectly normal reaction, actually, especially considering how much you adored your mother.” She lifted her shoulders in a rather self-aware shrug as her head tipped to the side. “But it's still wrong.”

 

Sesshoumaru didn't say anything.

 

“Your mother's death was an accident,” Kagome said. “An accident. A terrible, horrible twist of fate that no one could have predicted.”

 

He shrugged fatalistically. “Oh for the love of - ” Kagome managed to bite her tongue a split second before she blasphemed.

 

Silence reined for a full minute.

 

Finally, Sesshoumaru said, his voice barely above a whisper, “I don't know if I can get past this.”

 

“You don't have to get past it,” she whispered. She caught her lower lip, between her teeth, and then laid her hand on an empty spot on the futon. “Could you come over here so I can hold your hand?”

 

Sesshoumaru responded instantly; the warmth of her touch flooded him, seeping through his body until it caressed his very soul. And in that moment he realized that this was about more than love. This woman made him a better being. He'd been good and strong and kind before, but with her at his side, he was something more.

 

And together they could do anything. It almost made him think that two hundred ten might not be an impossible dream.

 

“You don't have to get past it,” she said again, her words blowing softly between them. “To be honest, I don't see how you could get completely past it until you turn two hundred nine. But what you can do”­ - she gave his hand a squeeze, and Sesshoumaru somehow felt even stronger than he just had moments before - “is refuse to allow it to rule your life.”

 

Sesshoumaru smiled. And it didn't matter if they both saw each others deepest fears, because they knew that one accepted the other no matter what. It was a sublimely freeing feeling.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

We kept our eyes locked with each other for what seemed an eternity. It was so easy to loose myself in those golden pools. Luckily, something must have caught his attention because he turned his head towards the door and I used the opportunity to let go of his hand.

 

Weaknesses were fast becoming a nuisance.

 

“Your maid is coming with the child.”

 

“Leave. There are some matters that I wish to address with her,” I asked while picking up my hair in a messy bun.

 

He nodded his head. “I will take this time to go catch game and to check on a certain matter I was entrusted with. However, I must bid you farewell, at least for the rest of the day. I promise to return by nightfall.” Stepping closer to the door he turned once more when he heard me speak.

 

“Is that a promise or a threat?”

 

“Funny,” he added sarcastically. “It's good to see you are back to your prideful but bearable self.” With a light chuckle and one swift jump he was off and gone.

 

That caught me off guard. I didn't know how to make people laugh. I could recognize humor, most especially irony, but I wasn't the kind of woman to make jokes or nurture smiles from other people. Especially not a man.

 

Lana's knock was just seconds after the inu youkai left. “Kagome, are you there?”

 

“Hai Lana.”

 

Eriko burst into the room before Lana walked in and was carrying a tied bundle. “Your father wanted me to give you these. He wants you,” she said while opening the package, “to choose two of these kimono so you will wear them for the celebration.”

 

I stared out the open door and wondered what exactly he was `entrusted' to do. I closed my eyes and realized that I was doing exactly the opposite of what I should be doing. Instead of driving him away, I was luring him in. The saddest part was that I actually wanted to and still wanted more. A small grunt escaped my lips.

 

“Well,” came her exasperated voice. Apparently, she had been calling me for the last several minutes.

 

“Well what?”

 

“Well? Which ones are you going to choose?”

 

I glanced towards my bed where she had neatly spread out each of the eight kimono she brought in. Eriko sat in front of the kimono, eyeing each one, afraid to touch. Once more inching near the futon, I knelt and inspected them one by one. They were all so beautiful and the fact that they had been worn by mother made them even more priceless.

 

“I can't choose. I mean, I can't even fathom wearing them. I feel like I will be dirtying them by putting them on. There too good for me.”

 

Lana `pft' and smacked me playfully on the back of my head. “Nonsense! You are a princess. You will look as or even more beautiful than your mother.”

 

“Where's your okaa-san, miko-sama?” Eriko questioned.

 

I felt Lana's gaze on me, but I refused to look at her in fear that I might see the sadness still in there. “She's dead. And stop calling me miko-sama. You make me sound like an old woman.”

 

“Do you miss her?” came her curious, yet innocent query.

 

“No,” I replied in a harsher manner that I had intended. Eriko simply smiled and changed the subject, thankfully.

 

“What do you wish me to call you, then?”

 

“Kagome. Just Kagome.”

 

“Hai.” she answered in her usual bubbly self.

 

“Make yourself useful and choose two dresses for me. Let's see how good of a taste you have.” I threw over my shoulder as I sat back on the animal skins.

 

Half smiling, Lana nudged her with her elbow. “Choose the one you like best.”

 

“You should help her choose Lana. She might need some help.” Lana knelt next to Eriko. “I have no idea why father wishes me to wear those things that make me feel so stuffy and are as uncomfortable as they look. If you ask me, women should only wear chihaya. I'd wear it to the celebration were it not for the fact my father would have a heart attack.”

 

“Somehow, I believe you. But, I do believe you will definitely look wonderful in these two Eriko has chosen.” She picked up the two and put them in a large trunk inside the bathroom. The rest of the kimono were neatly folded and tied once more in the bundle. I was still sitting on the floor, looking at nothing in particular but rather in deep thought.

 

“If you have nothing for me to do, then I will leave you for now. I believe your father wants me to oversee the food arrangements for the celebration.” She waited for my response. It was a pregnant silence that filled the room. “Alright, I'll see you downstairs for dinner in a few hours.”

 

The minute sounds of geta were the only alert I had of her movements. Lana stopped at the shoji and glanced back at me. Sensing her hesitation I called her back, “What is it?”

 

“Kagome,” she said while coming closer to me, “you do know that I will never pressure you into doing something you don't wish, but you can tell me anything, right?”

 

I cocked my head to the side. Still I did not look back at her. “Hai.”

 

“I was just making sure.” Lana patted my shoulder and kissed the top of my head while also ruffling Eriko's hair on her way out.

 

“Lana?” She came back quickly and sat in front of me, the movement causing me almost to fall back in surprise.

 

“Hai?” Lana offered a smile from ear to ear.

 

I swallowed hard and tried to keep my gaze to hers. I opened my lips, but I quickly shut them again. “Is it possible to care for something you've been taught to hate all your life?”

 

A frown settled on her face. She brought her finger to her lips and pondered on my question. I tried my hardest to post a question that did not give away much. After what seemed an eternity, she opened her mouth, but no words escaped. Then, as if finally putting two and two together, she whipped her head in my direction, a head that had been facing towards the ceiling.

 

“Minamoto Kagome... before I answer your question, please, answer mine. Be honest for my answer will depend on yours.” Clearing her throat, she straightened her back. “Why are you asking me this?”

 

My eyes fell to my lap. For once in my life, I wanted to talk to someone. Open up and let my feelings out. Sesshoumaru had given me a small taste of trust and I now knew that I wanted to share. Perhaps it was time to trust someone.

 

“Lana,” I braced myself for the worst, “I don't know how it happened. I don't know why it even did, or when it actually did, but... I think that I might... be developing an... interest in a certain someone I really shouldn't.” I bit my lip.

 

The sad look on her face only made my stomach feel like it hit the floor. I stood up and bolted out. I needed air. I walked to the river that was a few feet away from the castle. The river was a bit more high than usual, which helped when I sat at a small rock in the middle. My feet were inside the water and I felt the soft rush of the current. It was getting colder and the water was already chilly.

 

It was several minutes before she found me and decided to say anything. “It's the Daiyoukai's heir, isn't it?” Her small sob echoed in the silent afternoon.

 

I slowly turned to her. There was no real need to reply. Could the answer be any more obvious? “I... tried Lana. I swear to you on my life, that I tried.” My voice faltered.

 

She stepped in the water and walked to me. I scooted a little to the right so she could sit with me. Eriko had followed Lana silently and probably sensing that this was no time for games, sat down quietly by the bank watching us. Lana wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder. “Oh, Kagome.”

 

“I know. There can never be anything there. I'm not stupid enough that I don't see the truth. In fact, I've practically kicked him out every time he comes around!” Lana stiffened.

 

“What do you mean every time?” I gritted my teeth. I have GOT to start thinking before I talk.

 

I told her everything. Amazingly, she never once interrupted or made any noise as to give me any reason to doubt my trust in her. After I finished, I waited. She inhaled and let the air out slowly. “You do know this will only add to your secrets?”

 

I just had to laugh at that. “You think one more will kill me?”

 

“My dear child, if youkai haven't, I seriously doubt anything ever will!” She stood and stretched her hand out to me. I took her hand and she became serious once more. “If you feel that way about him... well then... he must be someone really special.”

 

She started pulling me towards the palace when she turned and asked, “What is it that you feel for him?”

 

“I don't exactly know. I can't describe it. I've never felt anything like this, so it's sort of hard.”

 

“Well, then, tell me what you can describe.”

 

It was my turn to pull her and Eriko with me inside. We walked to the Palace and into my room. I put up a barrier, so no one could hear or come close without us knowing. I sat Eriko in the futon. She was getting tired and she instantly shut her eyes when her head hit the pillow. Before I answered, I thought on words that could convey what little I understood. And when I finally found those words, I felt Eriko scoot over to me, seeking the warmth from my body.

 

I asked Lana to join me on the futon. “He's my sunrise.” She tilted her head and looked at me as if I'd been speaking a different language.

 

“Care to elaborate?”

 

“Sunrise was a time I never knew till I met him. Mornings weren't my style, too bright, too cheerful, just didn't match my mood. Nighttime seemed to always offer me a solace, a peace, perhaps it was only the dimming of vision or the cool of the darkness, but the less my senses had to deal with the better, the easier, till I met him...”

 

I lifted my gaze to see her face when I paused. She had tears in her eyes as she nodded for me to continue. It was bit uncomfortable.

 

Clearing my through, I continued. “Through the dark and through the steadiness, through the imagined peace, he rose like a gentle dawn, awakening my emotions, warming a coldness within my heart...

 

...Lana, I needed something to believe in. He touched me with his eyes... and I believed. I needed someone to believe in. He shared himself, his dreams... and I believed. But what I really needed was to believe in myself. He took me within myself and helped me.”

 

She lifted herself and again hugged me. “Child... you will have to fight every moment of your life for this. I know you know that. But, the real question here is, do you really think he's worth it?”

 

“Hai.” There was no doubt in my blackened heart that he was.

 

She sighed. “What are you going to do about it now? You know that once the jewel is placed with another miko, you will be, and forgive my words, fair game. You are after all, a princess. The kingdom and its responsibilities will fall to the okami's heir - in short, you. That means, your father will marry you off. And whether you like it or not, he will be the one choosing your husband.”

 

“You know I don't take orders. Not even from the okami. There have been times when I have had to step down, but you know that I only did it to fool him. This will be no different.”

 

“Kagome, are you telling me that you will defy your father openly? And with a youkai at your side?”

 

“I am only saying that if I am to marry anyone, then it will be my choice.”

 

“Don't you think your choice is a bit... unusual?” Lana shrugged.

 

“I thought you were on my side,” I asked her playfully.

 

She gave me an angry look. “Of course I am! But if you are going to go through with this, you're going to have to plan your every step. Brace yourself for the hardest battle you will ever fight.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Lana, it's not like - ” He was coming back. He came back earlier.

 

Alarmed, she widened her eyes and went behind me. It was something she had gotten used to when we were in danger. I suppose the fact that I usually pulled her behind me unceremoniously was a great stimulus. Her quivering voice whispered, “What is it?”

 

I waited until he was halted by my barrier. Lana grabbed my upper arms and squeezed them. “Kagome, wha -”

 

“Ssshh.” I had pressed my hand to her mouth. Her brows were knit together and her glare was almost comical.

 

Feeling Sesshoumaru's uneasiness at Lana's presence, I quickly spoke. “It's alright. She knows.” I opened up a small piece of the barrier and unlocked the hooked door for him to enter.

 

He walked inside and his gaze never left mine as I stepped back to put a bit more distance. “So, are you going to prohibit me from coming?” The inu youkai's question was directed at Lana.

 

“It is not my place to prohibit you anything. But if you ever hurt my little girl, I will make sure your father does more than prohibit you coming here.” A glimmer of shock appeared in his eyes before it rapidly disappeared.

 

“I would rather die a thousand deaths than let harm come her way. Even if it is from me.” He had a serious look to his face.

 

“I am in the room. You both do realize that, right?” Lana laughed and came around me towards him.

 

“Tell me, what exactly do wish to gain from your visits to my child?” Her protectiveness astonished me.

 

“I only wish one thing - her happiness.” If I were any other normal woman, I would have probably swooned. But then again I was anything but normal.

 

That must have satisfied Lana because she almost jumped at his response. A small giggle erupted from her throat as she crossed the room and she practically dragged Sesshoumaru to the futon, mindful of the sleeping child. “Well, then, I suppose you will be attending the celebration in three weeks. I'm sure that with you there, Kagome will have someone she can actually stand to look at, since I can't be there.” They both looked at me.

 

I shook my head. “IIEE!” I side glanced to reassure myself that I had not awakened the annoying child, which had gratefully, slept until now.

 

“Why not?” Lana's whine was so childish.

 

“Yes, Kagome, why not?” Sesshoumaru teased; a smirk on his face.

 

“Well, let me see.” I crossed my arms and pretended to be deep in thought. “Perhaps, the fact that you're a demon who will be among ningen could be a possible reason. But, I could always be wrong and you might just blend in with everyone.” I replied sarcastically.

 

“I'm sure you can use your powers to mask his... um... well you know! His aura thing!” Sesshoumaru stifled a laugh. His gaze was still to me.

 

“No. And it's no longer open for discussion.”

 

“But Kagome - ”

 

“No buts, Lana. The inu youkai and I need to have a talk. I'll be coming inside in just a few minutes.” My eyes were to him the entire time. With no room for argument, she bowed to both of us and left quietly. He watched as she left.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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