InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Divine Aspiration ❯ Chapter Three ( Chapter 4 )

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action." ~ Benjamin Disraeli

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Chapter Three

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(Kagome POV)

I should have been seething.

I should have yelled, screamed, and fought until he listened to me - listened to everything that I had to say.

But I wasn't that naïve. I knew that telling him I was an Angel was a gamble - that it would seem like a completely ludicrous notion. And truthfully, it was. I know, that if I had still been alive and someone walked up to me, telling me that they were sent by an 'Entity' that I would have considered them insane - and probably would have told them too. I don't think it mattered that when I was alive that I grew up on a shrine - that I should have believed all of the spiritual stuff that my grandfather was always spewing. But I didn't. I was more the one for science and logic - I liked to listen to reason, rather than believe that there were higher beings somewhere. And, if I was still living, I would have done the same thing that Inuyasha did. I would have kicked me out as well.

But dying showed me that I was wrong.

There are higher beings, people that look down upon people and try to protect those from hurting - keep them from the pain.

But sometimes - sometimes there are people who are overlooked, that are forgotten about.

And, it's amazing, that I realized that Inuyasha was one of them.

Before, I had thought him to be nothing more than an arrogant, rude, and egotistical jerk.

And he was.

At first glance, I could see the arrogance in his eyes - the haughtiness that made him who he was - but when I looked deeper, when I truly took the time to attempt to figure out who he was, I realized that there was just so much pain bubbling beneath the surface - so much hurt and suffering. And it made me think, how the Entity expected me to be able to help him. It seemed impossible to be able to help someone with so much pain - pain that I was able to feel with a single shake of his hand.

And when he cried - Gods - despite all the anger that was flashing in his eyes at my presence, he seemed so completely broken.

It kept nagging at my conscience, causing my fingers to burn in the immense cold, and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why I felt so much guilt when his pain had absolutely nothing to do with me. Is this what all Angels experienced after they had their first confrontations with their tasks? If so, why didn't the Entity inform me of such a thing? I mean, I know why she wouldn't; this was supposed to be a learning experience - a way for me to earn my Wings, to find my own direction. But I was nothing more than a child, how could she possibly expect me to know exactly what to do?

I think, the fact that I was a child was one of the reasons why Inuyasha was so sarcastic towards me as well.

I knew that he had aimed to hurt me when he questioned my abilities to make him happy. After all, who would expect a mere child to be able to assist him in a way that no one else could? I mean, when he had grabbed me by the arm to throw me out of his house, regardless of how much it had hurt to feel his fingers digging into my skin, I could feel the hollowness that continued to resonate within him. And that hollowness didn't seem to be apparent until he realized that he had been completely vulnerable, in front of a mere child no less.

I wouldn't have judged him.

But he was too protective of his image - too afraid to let people see him broken and damaged. He wouldn't have taken the time to realize that I wanted nothing more from him than to make him happy.

But I suppose that I can't blame him.

I mean, who am I to think that he would just be able to except having someone new in his life - someone that could inadvertently make it worse… and just the simple thought of knowing that it was me who brought him so much pain… it brought tears to my eyes.

Sighing loudly, I swiped furiously at my eyes, before wrapping the afghan tightly around my body.

I suppose that I should have been happy about the fact that Inuyasha accidentally left me with, not only the slippers, but the blanket as well. I suppose that he was simply too angry to actually realize that he had left something of his possessions in my hands. That, in itself, was another way for me to get to see him again, but I know that all I truly had to do was hand the blanket and the slippers to him, before he slammed the door in my face once more.

I looked up at the midnight sky, wondering what exactly I would need to do to convince 'Seiryoku Inuyasha' that I was truly an Angel. I mean, I would need some sort of proof - something that would show that I wasn't a liar. That alone, made me skeptical about the entire situation.

The Entity had told me to follow my heart - to believe in myself in order to make things happen.

And I did only -

How was it supposed to happen?

I mean, it was not every day that I was sent down to earth in order to bring someone happiness and prosperity.

The Winged Angels, they were always more in tune with what they were doing, more adaptive to the environment. They knew how to delve into a persons being, how to be able to figure out what made that person tick. They were able to find out what caused a person to react to certain words - to certain feelings… I was nothing more than a baby. I didn't know how to do those things. And, it made me wonder, why exactly did the Entity choose me.

Closing my eyes slightly, I sat down on a bench that was located in the park near Inuyasha's town house.

The park, being on the nicer side of town, was lush and green with plenty of space, tennis courts, basketball courts, and a playground for children to play at.

When my eyes landed on the basketball courts, I could feel a sense of nostalgia rise within me, causing my chest to clench slightly. It had been so long since I played basketball; it almost felt like nothing more than a memory slipping farther and farther away from me. My mother - she had been the person to get me into basketball to begin with - she was the one who had encouraged me to do my best no matter what happened.

And it was then I realized that I missed my mother more than anything.

And it hurt.

It hurt me to know that I wouldn't be able to have interaction with my family… that I wouldn't be able to visit them personally. I would only be able to watch them from afar, wishing that I could be in my mother's arms again, that I would be able to play video games with my brother and get history lessons on legends from my grandfather… Gods… it simply hurt so much, being here without being able to visit the people who were my anchors through life.

Tears were streaming down my face before I even realized it had happened.

My throat, it had tightened so completely, and my chest was clenching painfully.

The Entity, how did she expect me to be able to stay away from them? To be able to live this momentary life without going near them - without being able to see their smiling faces once again?

They had already taken most of my memories away, leaving me with the fragments of their love, and now - now I was alive, now I was able to see them again, now that I was able to hug them and hold them until I couldn't feel anymore… I just couldn't.

And I wanted to hate them, to feel some sort of ill will towards the Entity, but I simply couldn't.

I could be angry, I could be distraught, but I just couldn't hate them.

Trembling, I pulled my knees to my chest, and rested my head atop them, the tears still streaming down my face.

I felt so disjointed… so unable to comprehend what I was feeling within that moment.

They had taken away the parts of my memory, the parts that would have been able to let me feel hate once again - that might have been able to spark and anger deeper than hate within me. But I was an Angel - and Angels shouldn't have been able to feel hate.

I just wanted so much to be different from the other Angels - to not be an Angel but…

I was suffering from that hollow loneliness that plagued all Angels - the ones that didn't have their Wings - that were forced to dwell within that depth of solitude within the Heavens.

Gods, this feeling of being alone had never hurt so completely…

I didn't want to feel alone; I didn't want to have to wait within this darkness, regardless of how beautiful it was, until Inuyasha warmed up to me - until the Entity realized that I wasn't truly ready for this job, that I wasn't truly prepared to help someone through their pain when I couldn't seem to overcome my own.

And if this was what it was like to be human, I didn't want to deal with it any longer.

But… I really wanted to see them - I missed them so much…

And I wasn't supposed to.

Suddenly, my heart - it felt as though it were being ripped in two, almost as though someone had dug a huge gaping hole through it.

I felt hollow, insignificant and - I didn't want to be somewhere that reminded me of them, of the people that I had lost so long ago… I didn't want to have to see their smiling faces flashing through my mind… I didn't want to remember the kind loving words that they give me. I just didn't want to hurt anymore… I simply couldn't.

I needed to get away from there - from all of the fragmented memories… the icy solitude that was suffocating me… the dark isolation that was causing my heart to clench painfully and my eyes to water with blinding hot tears.

I stood up quickly, bundling the blanket in my arms, feeling completely overwhelmed and rushed. The memories - the dreams had felt so distant were now hounding down upon my mind, creating and unnecessary burden.

So I ran.

And as I was running - running from my memories - I just couldn't think straight. All I knew was that I was in pain, that I needed to escape - to find a way away from it. It didn't occur to me that I could hate people because of that - that others would suffer due to my selfishness. But, when I was still alive, I hadn't really cared about other people's emotions either. I was always considered selfish and arrogant, a young girl who was able to take life in stride without caring who she stepped on. I had never believed myself to be like that, so completely uncaring, but as I began to slow to a walk - these sudden thoughts running through my mind I realized that… I truly was selfish. I was thinking only of myself and not of the others that I needed to help - that needed to find a happiness that I was capable of finding completely on their own.

I froze in the middle of the sidewalk, feeling lights boring down on me, people pushing past me through the darkened streets. But I didn't care if they bumped me or cursed me for standing in their way. I didn't care that only moments ago I was feeling an immense selfish pain for not being able to see my family. I simply didn't care.

Because my heart was being overwhelmed - flooded with guilt.

Because I had realized… we were so much alike… always running - trying to hide.

I blinked back on my remaining tears, feeling the guilt pulling at my conscious, and the distant burning of my legs. I didn't know how far I really ran, truth be told, all I really knew was that I had ran, attempting to escape something that would be apart of me forever - something that I wouldn't be able to do without.

I couldn't help but sigh, the realization only too much for me to bear.

I had been running from the truth - my obligation.

And if this continued to happen… I would fail.

I wouldn't be able to earn my Wings.

I would be letting the Entity down - in a way, my parents - and myself.

But - most of all - I would be letting Inuyasha down.

I knew for a fact that the Entity had chosen me for a reason, that she had paired me with him because she felt that I was capable… and I wanted nothing more than to prove it to her. I would not run away from the truth - from my priorities. Because Inuyasha was simply feeling so much pain… so much guilt was residing within his being, and it was up to me to disperse it. Regardless of his relationship with others, I knew for a fact that their influences simply weren't enough to take away the empty hollowness resonating from every contour of his body…

Sighing loudly, I glanced around, attempting to find out what to do.

The wind was blowing gently, causing goose bumps to rise on my arm. Absently, I tugged the crumpled afghan around my body, my eyes taking in my environment. I was still in the fancier part of town, regardless of how commercial it looked, trying to find my bearings in relation to Inuyasha's town house.

I wasn't successful.

Figures.

Huffing, I stomped around a bit, feeling rocks cutting into the bottoms of the slippers… the pink… bunny slippers that Miroku gave me, and suddenly scowled, realizing exactly what had happened.

I had been kicked out.

Me, a perfectly normal teenage girl… well except for the fact that I was dead.

And an Angel.

And, I wasn't exactly a teenager.

More like an adult trapped eternally within my teenage body but… I guess the Heavens do that to everyone.

But - hfff - these slippers that Miroku gave me were not helping to keep my feet warm. And it didn't help that I was not wearing any socks. And, I didn't have any money to buy socks so… it seemed as though I was pretty much screwed. Although, it would have been nice to have Miroku give me some nice pink socks, which would have gone well with my slippers. And - ugh!

I really needed to concentrate on my objective.

Which, of course, was finding a way to prove to Inuyasha that I was an Angel and not have him try to admit me into a psychiatric ward claiming that I was just plain insane.

I worried my lower lip between my teeth, my fingers digging into the fabric of the afghan.

Coming up with an idea shouldn't be too hard, and I kept telling myself that, knowing for certain that it wouldn't be. Only -

It was.

I mean, geez, you would think that someone who was dead would be able to prove that she was dead, only, I didn't know how. Perhaps I was truly naïve.

Or maybe I was just stupid.

But - hfff! I made it halfway through high school. I know for a fact that I was more intelligent than that. I bet that I would even be able to assist Inuyasha with his case even if my education was limited.

And suddenly it hit me.

And I could feel myself grinning, feeling as though my face was going to split in two.

And - Gods - I felt like an idiot for not thinking of this earlier.

But now - now I would be able to consider myself a genius.

Because, not to toot my own horn or anything but - I was.

Uhm… toot toot?

.

.

.

.

I was somewhat nervous, standing outside the nice expensive condominium, not knowing what to expect.

It was well into the night, almost midnight to be exact, and not only was it very chilly, but I could feel my body reacting to being human once again. I was feeling groggy, and my legs - my muscles were still burning from my run earlier in the night. And it didn't help that I had been walking for over half an hour. Biting back a yawn, I leaned forward, ringing the doorbell without regards to the time.

I knew that I was taking a gamble, coming here, but it didn't really matter.

I knew what need to be done - that I needed to get close to Inuyasha, and coming here was the only way I would be able to.

Well - that is - after I convinced one extra person that I was in fact dead without having the door slammed in my face.

Again.

I think that I waited for about five minutes, not really feeling at all connected with myself, due to the lethargy that was creeping up on me. I could feel myself frowning, and once again I reached forward to ring the bell. Only, this time, I leaned on it. And, I also found myself grinning at the loud curse and the crash that came from somewhere within the condominium. It took a couple more minutes, and I could see the lights get flicked on, before the door opened, revealing a young woman with messy black hair.

She stared at me for a moment, a scowl on her face and her eyes narrowed, looking me up and down.

And apparently, she must have seen something that caught her interest because her eyes lingered on Miroku's pink bunny slippers longer than usual.

"Um - hey," I started nervously, fidgeting with a loose thread on the afghan, "my name is Higurashi Kagome and I was wondering if you could help me."

"It's almost midnight," she said almost venomously, her brown eyes narrowing at me.

And I simply giggled nervously, not knowing where to start. Because for one, it was cold and this afghan wasn't really doing much to keep the cold out, considering that it only reached my knees and the rest of my legs were exposed to the cold air. And I was really hoping that she would have been nice - that she would have at least asked me what it was I needed help with instead of blowing me off to growl about the time. But - er - it was pretty late. And it is pretty rude to just show up to someone else's house in the middle of the night and expect them to welcome you with open arms. Especially when you are a stranger and have never met said person in your entire life.

"I know," I said quietly, not wanting to meet her eyes, "but I'm really in need of your help and you - you - you're smart! And extremely logical and I know that you would be willing to help me!"

She simply raised an eyebrow, a scowl still on her face.

"At midnight?"

"Well actually there is a funny reason behind it…" I was nervous. And the way she kept staring at me as though I were something… disgusting that she had found on the bottom of her shoe… Gods… and here I thought this was going to be easy.

"Wait," she said, holding up her hand to silence me, "there is no need to explain. I am pretty sure I can figure it out."

Um… the tone of her voice was not exactly promising.

"Let me guess," she started skeptically, leaning against the doorjamb, "Miroku managed to charm you into his bed, and directly after having sex with him, Inuyasha kicked you out of the house so he wouldn't have to listen to you going at it… again… depending on how much Miroku's libido was craving women…" the last part was mumbled almost inaudibly but…

What. The. Hell?

Did she just?

What the?

Oh, my GOD!

And I could feel my entire body flaming at that assumption, feeling completely disjointed at what she just said. Me. Miroku. Having Sex. Inuyasha. Kicking me out. Well - regardless of how true the last part was, the simple thought of engaging in something so… not like me was just… gross. Especially with Miroku. I mean - Gods - I barely knew the guy for two minutes and I know for a fact that I would never do something so… smutty… unless I was truly in love with him. Which I wasn't.

Gods, if I knew this was the torture I was going to go through for simply trying to convince Inuyasha that I was an Angel…

"NO!" I sputtered, my hands flying to cover my reddened face.

And, for a spilt second, she almost looked relieved, but then she frowned at me, an eyebrow arching slightly as she looked at the slippers on my feet.

"But you're wearing the afterglow slippers," she said simply, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Afterglow slippers?" I asked, extremely confused and still trying to get over my last… shock.

"Yes, his afterglow slippers. Miroku always insists on having his conquests wear those hideous pink slippers right after he's had sex," she paused for a moment, letting me take in the information, "but judging by the afghan -which is his other 'afterglow' present - you must have had mind-blowing sex."

"You - I - no! We did not have sex! I went to talk to Inuyasha and - and Inuyasha kicked me out! So I came here to you to see if you could help me."

And suddenly, her eyes were narrowing into tiny slits, her fists clenching tightly. Well - apparently I ticked her off… a lot.

Uhm - oops?

"You came here to bug me about talking to Inuyasha at midnight?"

"Uh - yeah," I said quietly, fidgeting with my afghan once again. She continued to watch me, the anger still building within her, a frown marring her features. And somehow, I knew that if I didn't explain soon she was going to slam the door in my face… or, you know… maul me. But I was counting more on her slamming the door in my face. Judging by Inuyasha and Miroku memories - their thoughts on the young lady - she would not get physical. Which, in fact, was a great relief to me. Because I simply felt so physically drained… so emotionally stressed, that I wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and fall asleep. But, falling asleep in a bed would have been more preferable, due to the simple fact that I would be able to deal with Inuyasha a lot more easily if I was well rested.

"Ms. Shitoyaka, before you get angry, please understand it has to do with someone being dead."

And, just as I thought, she sobered right up.

Her back was straight, her eyes unusually wide, and I could just feel the waves of anxiety rolling off of her.

I smiled at her sadly, lowering my eyes to the ground, tugging at the loose thread once again. I didn't know how to go about this. I knew that I couldn't lie - it was against everything I believed in and, not to mention, it was a sin. And that in itself would cause the Entity to rip the Wings right off my back… that is… if I ever received them. But first, I had to convince her that I was an Angel.

"Ms. Shitoyaka, if it's not any trouble, I would very much like to take a moment of your time to speak with you," I was completely polite, already falling into my Japanese tradition and bowing to her with respect, "My name is Higurashi Kagome, I am - well - technically I would be twenty-two, but eternally I will be forever sixteen. But that doesn't matter - just, please - if it's not too much trouble, may I take a moment of your time?"

And for a moment, she just watched me as though I were crazy. And honestly, I felt as though she was going to leave me out in the freezing cold to fend for my own, but instead, she moved aside, sweeping her arm in an arc as though inviting me in. And I couldn't help but grin. I was victorious, but … in a few seconds, I was going to be diagnosed as clinically insane. So, I knew I had to work fast.

Sitting down on her couch, I sighed in content at how warm it was the in the house… I felt completely comfortable… and, judging by how 'Ms. Shitoyaka' was walking towards the kitchen, she was going to make me feel welcome as well. And I couldn't help but smile in happiness. Inuyasha and Miroku's thoughts hadn't been off - she was extremely sensitive towards other people's lives - the pain that they felt. And that was probably why she stuck by Inuyasha so completely. Because she knew that he was feeling pain - that he couldn't seem to get rid of that hollowness that continuously resonated within him. I could already tell that she wanted nothing more than to help him, than to let Inuyasha curl up in her arms and cry all his pain away, but I knew that it wouldn't be possible. If he had a problem crying in front of me, a mere child, then I know that he would have a problem crying in front of another colleague.

"Want a coffee - hot chocolate - milk?" She called from the kitchen, rummaging through her cabinets, most likely looking for her coffee grounds.

"No thank you," I said as she walked into her living room and plopped down on the couch.

She had a nectarine in her hand, obviously trying to find something that would keep her awake, and I could smell the strong scent of coffee already wafting through the air. Apparently she did want to stay awake, and knowing that my explanation was going to a long one, it was going to be needed.

She nibbled on her nectarine, her eyes boring into mine - as though she were trying to figure out what I was truly about. And, as strange as it may sound, it felt as though she were reading me. As though she were tapping into my emotions and feeding off them, just so she would be able to figure out if I were truly trustworthy or not. And that feeling… I could only sum it up into one word.

Freaky.

I started fidgeting once again, pulling the afghan tighter around my body.

I didn't know where to start - what to tell her. I knew that I would need to tell her that I was Angel - that I was already dead, and that everything I was doing was for Inuyasha's happiness.

I sighed.

I really didn't know where to start and -

She wouldn't stop staring!

"Ms. Shitoyaka," I started but she immediately put up a hand to silence me.

"Call me Sango," she smiled.

"Um, all right Ms. Shi - Sango."

Silence passed between us once again, and it felt extremely awkward. I ran everything over in my mind, but I didn't know where to start.

"At the beginning," Sango told me calmly, "start at the beginning."

I blinked at her, confused, before I realized that I had spoken out loud. And then, before I could stop myself, I was talking. Telling her everything. Telling her that I was really dead - that I had been sent down from the Heavens in order to bring Inuyasha the happiness that he wouldn't be able obtain on his own. I told her about my meeting with him as well, about all the information that had been transferred between him and I through a simple handshake. I simply told her everything. And despite seeing those disbelieving looks she shot me throughout my entire monologue - despite her awe-struck interjections, I couldn't stop talking. I just felt as though I needed to get everything out in the open, and it all tumbled out of me. And with each word I could feel my burden lessening, rising from my shoulders and it seemed as though it were settling onto her. But it was a secret, one that I was now allowing someone else who was not Inuyasha to know what I truly was - it felt good. And when I stopped speaking the feeling of elation was still creeping up on me, and I felt as though it was swallowing me whole. I just felt so… giddy.

And Sango, she simply stared at me, her eyes wide, watching me with disbelief.

"Well - that was… interesting. "

"You think I'm crazy, right?" I asked, already knowing her answer.

"Well, it's just so… how could you expect anyone to believe that? How can you expect me to believe that? It just so preposterous, yes, it does sound as though you are insane."

Well, I was glad she was being honest.

"I would have to agree," I said quietly, trying my best not to grin in a smug satisfaction, "but what would you say if I could prove it?"

And she just blinked at me in surprise, the half-eaten nectarine in her hand falling to the floor.

"You - you can prove it?" She sounded awe-struck, and there was a note of disbelief in her eyes as well. "How on Earth can you prove it?"

"Simple," I smiled, feeling that giddy smugness swelling within me, " but that's what I need your help with."

"Really? But what -" She interrupted herself with a yawn, her eyes watering as her face scrunched up. I couldn't help but smile, feeling a little bit guilty that I had woken her up in the middle of getting her beauty sleep. And then, I yawned as well, feeling the warmth of the room seeping into my body, numbing my muscles - causing my eyelids to droop with sleepiness. And I could feel Sango's eyes boring into me, and I could just picture a tiny hint of amusement lingering in her eyes.

"As crazy as it sounds," Sango started as soon as I finished yawning, "I think - I believe you."

"Really?" I asked through another yawn.

"Yes, but only because you claim you can prove it."

"Thank you so-"

"And because I want to help Inuyasha as well," she silenced me with that, and I was surprised at the emotions she tried to keep hidden behind that mask of indifference that suddenly fell upon her face, "because I know what it's like to feel that kind of pain, knowing that one event ruined your life - that it shattered your entire perception of happiness," her smile was sad then, and her eyes started to water, "and there is so much you just want to do to help yourself only… you can't. And no matter how much you try to look at the brighter side of things, no matter how much you want it to get better it continues to linger within you, burning a huge hole through your heart and you just feel so empty. And I hate it so much… Gods, I just hate it so much…"

And she just broke down.

And her pain - seeing her so completely disjointed - so completely hurt, I couldn't help but reach out to her, wanting to make everything better. Only -

I couldn't.

It was her pain, her problems, and I was sent here for Inuyasha and Inuyasha alone.

And the guilt wouldn't stop eating at me; her pain wouldn't leave me alone.

Gods, I just wanted to help her so much.