InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Do What You Have to Do ❯ Chapter 10: I don't know how to let you go ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Do What You Have To Do
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Inu Yasha/Sesshomaru mentions of Inu Yasha/Kagome and Inu Yasha/ Kikyo
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, yaoi
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own Inu Yasha or its chars. They are property of Rumiko Takashi and major companies.

Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction! Enjoy and please review!

The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Do What You Have to Do" by Sarah McLachlan

Chapter 10: I don't know how to let you go

I found myself awake in my bed with my son curled against me, his head tucked beneath my chin as it had always been since his birth and I snuggled him closer to me and closer to my heart. I found the warmth of quilts and furs pulled over us and turned my head to see the retreating back of what could only be Sesshomaru. I listened to hear the door close and then I closed my eyes once again.

I awoke in the midnight hour and carefully removed myself from Ryusei's grip and slid from my bed. I made my way out of my room looking for the latrine when I happened past a room where hushed angry whispers emanated from.

“So you once again pupped your half brother, Oh Sesshomaru how the mighty have fallen.”

“I have not fallen nor have I ever set myself at your standards, mother.”

The word mother came out with as much distaste as one would say the word cretin or whore or any other such insult.

“How long til the hanyou birth's your ill-gotten spawn?”

“Oh, Mother you needn't plan to stay for the birth the sentiment is well met but unwelcome.”

“Oh, son how naïve you are. No, no such a sentiment from me. I'm merely curious as to how long to you plan to string the dear one along. Will he become a mate fully bonded or will he end up like me, used to birth your heirs and locked away to watch you find pleasure in another?”

“It doesn't concern you; it's not like you stayed to watch me grow. No, your pride wasn't worth my needs. So if this is all you've come for then you may take your leave. My home is calm and I prefer it stay that way.”

I heard rustling clothing and I stepped away from the door, my hand unconsciously clutching at my belly and the child within.

I turned and made my way away from that room and anywhere near it.

My thoughts were like wildfire. Would he send me farther from him and my children, would he take another while I sat in a room to rot? I couldn't leave, not with my children in this castle and taking them with me would end up a life on the run.

I found myself in the garden barefoot and lost amongst the cool fall breeze among dew covered plants.

Would he take me from my children, my now one reason to draw breath or worse…would he turn my children against me and what I am… who I am? What does he think of me? Am I hindrance or the means to an end? Am I in his heart or merely a tool to be used to his hearts content? Could I ever ask these things of him, and if so would he actually answer me truly?

My chest felt tightened and my breath labored; almost as if it were stolen. Unshed tears stung my eyes and I felt screams bubbling deep inside me.

And then my breath ridden silence was broken as one of my fears was spoken aloud.

“He'll do it if his heart turns from you,” said a voice behind me.

I turned quickly my arms wrapped around my midsection and glared at the woman whose voice gave away as Sesshomaru's mother. Her face like her voice was cold and emotionless and left one to wonder if a smile had ever touched it and if so what hardships had cause them to cease to be.

“Do what,” I asked in shock at her presence.

“He'll lock you away like a gem and then when your heart hardens from his actions he'll take your children; the one joy the men of this family can give and then he'll take another to his bed and you'll be forced to listen; to listen to their playful banter, the gossip among the help and then the silence as you sit alone and wonder what went wrong; where you went wrong.”

Her words hurt, like the deepest knife wound in my heart.

“By the looks of you I'll give it…four no…five months before the birth of that pup and perhaps another six before he pups you again. I avoided such a problem by taking certain teas. If you're a smart hanyou you'll talk to your dear…Aoiyuki and see if there is one she can make you.”

With that she walked past me and then jumped into the air transforming as she did so into a long haired dog demon and took flight into the air. I watched her vanish past moonlight and then found my bladder once again at the forefront of my attention. I found a bush to relieve myself and then made my way back inside. I passed the room where the hushed argument had taken place and now found only silence reigned.

I made my way to my quarters and returned to my bed and once again pulled my son to my heart. It had been a while since I have felt heart wrenching fear but at the thought of losing Ryusei and my unborn child I had found it all over again.

*******************************************************

After my late night conversation with Sesshomaru's mother; if one could call it a conversation, I found myself weary of Sesshomaru and those around him. Aoiyuki continued with my regular checkups and asked continuously if I wished to “unburden” my mind and repeatedly I replied that there was no need. She neither believed or discontinued her nagging and I observed her and Sesshomaru in conversation once or twice which now left me at odds with my one source of mental release.

November turned to December and my belly grew ever slightly and according to Aoiyuki not nearly enough. I could agree but what was I to do, my appetite was non-existent and my nerves were a mess and with them many sleepless nights ensued and my health declined. I would often have blackouts which left me bedridden.

Ryusei had has own quarters next to mine but his fear for me kept him at my side. If he was put to bed at the ninth hour, by the tenth he was in my bed curled against my chest and I hadn't the strength mental or physical to refuse him.

I felt Sesshomaru's eyes on me during this time and wondered what went through his mind. Did he worry for me and my health or did he worry for the unborn heir I carried? Did he worry for both? Did he despise me and my uselessness and hate me for my weaknesses and my frail hanyou body or did he worry as to why I had deteriorated and perhaps even blame himself or his actions?

There were nights when we held each others gazes from across the room and it was as though one culture were watching another, trying to figure out the language each spoke and what certain behaviors meant and why they were performed.

We were like foreign lands, he and I.

December was a harsh month which led over into a calm January.

The land remained covered in its glittering white blanket of snow and as the New Year dawned Sesshomaru decided to throw a banquet in honor of the Year to dawn. I found myself drawn into the activities with my sons thrilling stories of rare game caught and plucked to serve as food for the banquet, the many invitations he had seen his father and Jaken send out and of the many beautiful kimono they had seen in the shops and how Sesshomaru had purchased over four servants arms worth of the expensive garments.

It wasn't until the eve of the New Year came did a knock sound on my quarter's door. Before I could answer the door opened and four servants entered carrying various kimonos varying in colors and theme just as Ryusei had told me.

I sat up in bed and watched as Sesshomaru entered behind them already dressed in a kimono of fine red and white silk, embroidered with Dragons in shades of yellow's, oranges, red's and whites with his usual Momoka wrapped around his body and white fur lined collars and sleeves making him look more a snow demon than one of the dog tribe. His hair was brushed and gleaming silver with his bangs pulled back leaving his face free to be viewed and an astonishing site it was. The voice in the back of my head nagged me about how stunningly handsome…no beautiful he was. He was how those in the village described gods from heaven and if he had been from Kagome's time he would have been one of many idols captured in still and moving pictures.

He was desirable no matter who and how you looked at him. I knew that much, it was hard not to. Why, why did he mate me? What was there that he saw that no others could? Is it that I can give him pure blooded heirs?

I would have pondered this more but he spoke, his voice smooth like the silk that adorned him.

“It is time for you to venture out and about Ototou. I have gathered a collection of kimono, pick the one that pleases you and come be at my side. I wish to have your presence with me on this night, in the hopes that I will have it in the New Year as well.”

I felt my eyes widen and my jaw slacken. I couldn't think of a reply, I simply nodded and watched as he turned and left me there with four sets of kimono and two servants to assist in the applying of whichever I chose.

I stood shakily causing my pup to shift inside, wiggling inside its watery room. Just recently had my unborn begun to move inside me, nothing visible as of yet and no feeling from the outside which seemed a disappointment to his sire. He would have loved Ryusei's carrying months. The boy did nothing but kicks and move to the point of pain and discomfort.

I sighed and stared at the 4 kimonos placed before me. The first was a piece in the palest shade of jade green with a rich crimson under robe and pattern of white, crimson, silver and gold flowers flowing among the jade green, a crimson and gold obi seemed to match the flowers in coloring. The second was a kimono set in the darkest black at the bottom and grew into a golden river which then changed into the deep red of the setting sun while flowers and carp dominated the gold river and crimson. The obi was a deep gold with maple leaves littering it in fine detail while the under robe of pure white only enhanced the brighter colors of the outer kimono. The third kimono was a deep golden yellow offset with a pale yellow under robe and a deep orange and silver obi with the theme of phoenixes. The last and final robe was the darkest shade of navy blue at the bottom and lightened as it continued upward until it became a pale light blue with many pale white blossoms falling from top to bottom among the shade of blue. The obi was the palest blue that reminded me of Sesshomaru's hair in the moonlight with hints of silver stars stitched into it and a darker burgundy over it and tied with a gold string. The under robe was a clean white.

I turned away the green one and watched as one of the servants took it away and placed it into a bamboo basket, placing it into my closet after placing on the lid. I looked at the other three and found my decision hard.

“What color is Lord Sesshomaru wearing,” I asked the servant who continued standing and waiting patiently for my decision.

“When last I saw him, my lord was wearing a deep crimson and ebony.”

“Then let's get rid of the crimson, red and black one,” I said and watched as what I was asked was done in the same manner as the jade kimono.

I stood there debating at the last two when one of the servants softly cleared her throat. I looked at her questioningly and she blushed a soft pink.

“Might I make a suggestion, sire?”

“Go ahead,” I said with a shrug of my shoulders.

“I suggest the golden one. The blue is beautiful but tonight the lord is dressed like night and beside him you could be day.”

I nodded, “The gold one it is.”

It took a little over an hour to dress in the kimono and to have my hair assembled in a manner befitting a lord as the blushing maid had so kindly put it. She also mourned the loss of my long locks but commented on how quickly it was beginning to grow out.

This maid servant was innocent and shy and a bit overly talkative and it wasn't until she turned around to fetch a hairpin from my dresser that I saw the long orange tails with white tips, a fox demon and one of higher class judging by the number of tails.

“What's your name, kid?”

“Reika, sire,” she replied as she placed a gold and white lily hairpin in the right side of my head, little rivulets of pearls cascading through my hair.

I nodded and stood up, giving myself a quick once over in the mirror of my dresser before I began making my way to the door, “Here goes nothing.”

I made my way down the hall and then the stairs until I found myself in a large room filled with the sound of traditional koto harps and flutes, talking and the clatter of feet on the ground. I passed by many not stopping to greet instead searching the room until I found my son who once again was adorned in robes the deep shade of midnight blue offset by pale whites and accompanied this time by yellows and gold's.

He looked my way and bowed to the guests he had been talking with before making his way to my side. He took my right hand and smiled brightly up at me as he led me through the room stopping here and there showing me people, clothes, foods and gifts brought to Sesshomaru, congratulating him on his mate, pup and the next one due. I took it all in at a slow pace, glad to have my Ryusei at my side.

The night wore on and as Sesshomaru made his way through the room thanking many for gifts and alliances and talking about whatever it was he talked about I sat and ate until I could eat no more and my body felt exhausted from merely being amidst the crowd.

“Shall I escort you upstairs ChiChiue,” asked Ryusei at my side.

I looked across the room and found Sesshomaru still engrossed in conversation and stood adjusting my kimono. He had not once made his way over to give a welcoming comment nor ask how I was and I found myself angry and annoyed and at the same time depressed and saddened by his lack of attention. I let the conflict tug at my heart for a moment more before I nodded down at Ryusei.

“Yes, it's probably for the best.”

It didn't take long to arrive at my quarters and as I sat on my bed I felt Ryusei's hand squeeze my own. I looked up and found his eyes deepened in worry.

I smiled and brought my hands up to his face, his hand still clasped in one, “You're too young to have that look. Go downstairs and enjoy yourself until your sire says otherwise. Show them what a fine catch you are. Go be young.”

He gave me a worried frown and he closed his eyes as I pulled his head close so that I could kiss his forehead, “Go”, I said with a smile.

He left and I lay down in all my finery and closed my eyes fighting back errant tears. I would make sure that he fit into this world even if I myself felt alienated.

Sesshomaru's mother's words echoed through my mind, “locked away to birth pups while he takes another to his bed”. I let my errant tears zap what energy I had left as I fell asleep.

To be continued…..

Sorry it took so long. I'm going to keep writing so please keep reading.

Kat