InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Do What You Have to Do ❯ Chapter 14: Trying to Escape this Desire ( Chapter 14 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Do What You Have To Do
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Inu Yasha/Sesshomaru mentions of Inu Yasha/Kagome and Inu Yasha/ Kikyo
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, yaoi
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own Inu Yasha or its chars. They are property of Rumiko Takashi and major companies.

Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction! Enjoy and please review!

The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Do What You Have to Do" by Sarah McLachlan

Chapter 14: Trying to Escape this Desire

I found myself more lost than I had ever been before. I felt like a child again, lost in my own pity, loathing and self hating. I didn't do much, I found myself too drained to move let alone leave my room. I wasn't sure what to blame, my depression or the unborn pup beneath my skin. I couldn't bring myself to blame or hate the unborn pup I carried. I hated the circumstances and my ability to bear just a bit but I would never hate a living being that came from my body.

Ryusei came to visit often and brought his sister when he did. He grew by leaps and bounds, my soon to be ten year old son. He spoke with a loud clarity and self assertiveness that made me smile. He was proud of his family and of himself. He was my little sunshine.

His sister who had just recently turned a year old was now outspoken and like most little ones her new favorite word was “no”. She was so…different from her big brother, yin and yang, not because they were male and female but because he was always yes and she no. He seemed demure in comparison to her brash quickness. She was a female miniature of me. At one she stood on chubby legs and walked with a strut that only she could pull off. What pleased me to the point of grinning; a rarity these days, was hearing her call me Chichiue, although it came out more “Chewy”.

As the month came to a close it was decided to throw a party to celebrate Ryusei's birth as well as ring in the new year to come. My son would be allowed to stay up like the adults and as the coming year began he would no longer be treated as a mere pup but as a male of the Inu clan. He seemed too young to me, too young to be considered an adult. I felt my chest tighten at the thought of what he would go through in the coming years. This year would only mark the beginning for him. He would start training in hand to hand combat as well as swordsmanship. He would learn what techniques he would be able to master and he would learn what it was to be a young man in the royal Inu tribe.

Already I heard talk of potential fiance's, male and female alike. I would sit and listen to talk but if something were to be pushed forward without my consent….let's just say I would not allow my son to end up like me.

I tried not to let what was happening get to me but it did and I tried not to let it show. I did not want my son to think I disapproved of him or his coming of age, so I grinned and bared it with as silent a grace as I could.

I watched the castle transform into a dark, dreary and quiet prison to a hustling and bustling center of activity. Decorations were strung about here and there and plain white candles were replaced with those of red, blue and green. I had never seen the castle so clean or been bombarded by the many pleasant aroma's that floated through the halls and rooms. Potpourri filled the nooks and crannies along with drying citrus fruits strung with cinnamon. I found myself lost in the calming effect the changes brought about. As if I were trying to convince myself I weren't locked away in the same place and instead in a new and interesting home or land.

As the celebration drew close I watched as messengers left, sometimes two or three at a time, off to various destinations to extend invitations to what was sure to be a joyous occasion. I wondered if that was how Sesshomaru's secretary had worded it. The thought itself made me shake my head in amusement. I wondered if the servants, maids and guards thought me insane at times as I wandered the prison that was my home.

It was a bright day when I found my prison overrun with various people and their entourage. Only the most important were housed within our walls, others were housed in guests housing not but a few minutes walk from our home. I sat in my window and watched heavily bundled individuals arrive in demon form and in their human like visage on various forms of transportation. What surprised me was the amount of attendee's this year. There had to be a representative from every animal clan out there, or at least those who had survived Naraku's attacks.

I was disturbed from my watch when my door opened and Sesshomaru entered carrying a kimono. He tossed it on my bed and looked my way.

“We are having a dinner tonight to welcome some of the more important visitors in demon society, I ask that you attend and dress appropriately.”

I stood up and walked over to my bed, lifting the sleeve up of the kimono he had tossed on the bed. I couldn't keep the look of disdain and general displeasure off of my face as I eyed it.

“Do you find fault in it,” he asked in his usual empty tone.

His tone irritated me, the kimono with its effeminate style and colors irritated me and as I felt my changing body I felt more than irritated.

“You do know I have a penis right,” and I let the venom and general questioning tone roll right off the tongue and out of my mouth without a second thought.

To that he just stared at me for a moment and gave me a confused look. I clenched my jaw and ground my teeth just a bit.

“Can you find me clothes that are appropriate for a man? I am tired of dressing like woman! I am not a woman, when are you going to get that through your fucking head!?”

“You've worn others like this one before,” he replied.

“Well perhaps I don't feel like wearing any at this time, or perhaps I just didn't want to put ripples in the water before, or perhaps just perhaps, those were the only types of kimono and yukata you've sent me.”

“I will see to having new kimono made for you,” was his reply.

“Then I will see to coming dinner when they are done and arrived.”

With that I returned to my window and sat down, starring down at the snow trodden grounds below. It was silent as I sat there his presence still there. You could feel him, a heavy sense of power in the room. I heard the rustle of clothing and then my door closed. I sat there a while longer watching as the sky began to darken, which in the winter means it merely went from a cloudy white sky to a deep gray and then black. The last light of day had all but faded when the sound of feet pounded into my quarters and my door swung open giving way to a heavily breathing Ryusei followed by a giggling Chiouka who also seemed out of breath, her little chest heaving with the weight of her race.

Ryusei's arms hugged a package to his body that was as wide as he was, his cheeks were flushed a healthy pink and little strands of silvery hair flew free from his once tightened ponytail plait.

“What have we here? Are you two causing mischief again,” I asked as I turned to give them my full attention.

“No ChiChiue! Otoosan sent us. He said you needed this,” and with that those once pudgy fingers now held out the package.

I took the package in my hands and leaned down placing a kiss atop his head before doing the same to Chiouka who patted her head calling, “me” repeatedly.

“What is it ChiChiue,” asked Ryusei who followed me over to my bed.

“I don't know, shall we find out,” I asked as I untied the twine keeping it wrapped.

Ryusei nodded his head and Chiouka called out “no” while also nodding her head yes.

I tossed the string aside and opened the brown paper revealing deep red silk which reminded me of camellia's in bloom. As I lifted the material I found that it was a traditional heian period outfit similar to the one I had often worn before although a more elegant material. It reminded me of the outfits often wore by the adults in my mothers home when I was younger. I had often seen young lords wearing outfits similar to this one although not nearly as bright and not with such fine embroidery.

There were layers of white and black that shimmered in the candle light. It was beautiful and I could refuse but even though he was an ass, he had considered my feelings and had found me a mens hakama set so I would wear it.

“Come Chiouka, lets go play with the blocks in the sitting area while ChiChiue gets ready,” I heard Ryusei say. I looked up from the silky set of clothing and watched as Chiouka practically ran from the room at the sound of blocks.

I smiled and shook my head as the door to my bedroom was closed. I looked down at the material and undressed down to my fundoshi. I slid the first layer kimono on, a soft pale red shade compared to the outer robe. I slid it on and tied it in place and picked up the second layer, a light black silk robe and once again wrapped it around so that the collar of the first layer could be seen and tied it in place. The third robe and matching Hakama pants were black and as I adjusted so that the previous layers collars could be seen I tied it and made sure both the kimono and hakama pants were secure. I looked in the mirror and found that I could no longer see the just barely noticeable bump I had developed under the layers of kimono.

Most don't start really showing til their third or fourth full moon but my weight loss from before the conception had allowed the first signs to show earlier. I was only two full moons along and yet I could feel the energy inside of me as the pup grew.

I shook the thoughts from my mind and grabbed the last robe and put it on over the black. The reds, whites and blacks brought out my pale coloring even more than just my red fire rat kimono had. It made my hair stand out like stars in a blazing horizon.

As I stared at myself I saw a shadow of my old self, the only difference being the look my eyes reflected. I doubted I would ever see the old flame that had once shone brightly in them before.

I heard a knock on the door and watched as Reika entered with a set of combs and hair utensils. I supposed I might as well let them do my hair. At least I could wear men's clothing.

They brushed my hair and ran warm oil through parts of it, leaving the smell of citrus and rosehips around me as they did so. They took my sides and brought them back in a ponytail atop my head in which they placed hair pins of gold and copper maple leaves with dangling beaded orange garnets, rubies, citrine and opal gems. I looked like some mythological creature from one of Kagome's manga.

I stood up and slid on a pair of geta which felt rather odd after months of running around the castle in nothing but my tabi. I walked into my sitting room and found myself the center of attention.

It was hard to not fidget as I stood there and looked down at my son who now wore a fine hakama set similar to his fathers but in a beautiful shade of deep blue that in Kagome's time was called Navy Blue, something to do with uniforms and sailors…I don't know much about the colors name origin but I did know that it had become a favorite color of my son and it looked wonderful on him. His eyes seemed to glow against the dark color along with his silvery locks. His hair had also been redone; His sides pulled back into a new plait behind his head, tied off with a sapphire encrusted string of sorts that also ran along his braid. He would be a prize mate for any who were lucky enough to win his heart; then again I was his birth sire.

Chioka wore a kimono of periwinkle with a turquoise sash that trailed the floor behind her while silver butterflies flew upwards along her kimono, her hair done in silver butterflies encrusted with amethyst and turquoise stones to match her kimono.

“Pretty!”

I smiled down at Chiouka and patted her head before looking over at my son who grinned at me and held out his hand;”Shall I escort you ChiChiue?”

I smiled and placed my right hand in his and held my left out for Chiouka who took it humming happily. We left my quarters and made our way down the hall and down a flight of stairs and into the main hallway where the loud sound of music could be heard along with the chatter of conversations. We passed many guards who stood at their assigned posts as we made our way through the long stretch of hallway. We came to the large wooden doors which had already been opened and propped in place by door stops and latches and passed by another set of guards as we entered the large ball room.

What had once been just an overly large dining room that had seemed so vastly empty was now crowded and seemed so small.

I walked hand in hand with my son and daughter through the crowded room passing lookers by until I saw the familiar fluffy boa of my brother, who stood in the middle of the room. Unlike last time he turned and saw me and beckoned me over.

I made my way to him and worked hard to plaster what one could call a smile on my face. By time I had gotten to him I had the attention of all his company.

“From the similarity in looks I'd hazard a guess that this is your mate and brother, Inu Yasha,” stated more than asked a tall youkai with honey brown eyes short tan hair with highlights of black through the top and a wide grin which showed off a pair of long canines.

“You have guessed right Lord Pacchiri,” Sesshomaru said with a stiff nod.

I stood beside Sesshomaru, my son and daughter's hands still in my grasp.

“I have to agree with the rumors, he has an unusual beauty to him,” The one who Sesshomaru had called Lord Pacchiri said as he followed my arms down to my hands and they stopped upon seeing my children.

“Ah, and these are your heirs! Quite lovely themselves aren't they,” he stated more than asked once again.

“My son Ryusei and my daughter Chiouka,” I said aloud and let go of my sons hand so that I would not embarrass him.

This was his night, to show that he was soon to be a man, a dog; no longer a pup and yet I clung to him like he were a still one.

Ryusei bowed to his father and his father's peers and made a proper greeting,”Good evening.”

“He is quite the gentleman,” responded a demoness beside Pacchiri.

“I must agree my darling, should you wish it and himself not opposed I wouldn't mind our clans being united with a pairing, although I think we would be getting the better bargain in this.”

I blinked and found myself surprised.

“Do not look so surprised Lord Inu Yasha. We of the Jackal clan look kindly on those of hanyou blood. It is new blood that makes our clans better in the long run, not to mention that both you and your brother already carry superior blood.”

I nodded and gave them a short nod. Chiouka yawned loudly causing everyone to look down at her.

“I believe the Hime finds our conversation boring,” said the Jackal Lord's mate with a grin.

I looked across the room and found a huddled group of children playing with various toys, “I'll take her to play with the others; it's been nice making your acquaintances.” I made a bow and walked away.

As we neared the children Chiouka tugged on my sleeve and called out, “play?”

I nodded and she cried out in joy as I let go of her hand. I watched her run and join the others, not a shy bone in her body as she took the initiative and began to talk and play with the other youkai children. I stood there watching unaware of the party or other guests until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I turned and found myself looking into a familiar pair of cerulean blue eyes.

“Long time no see, mutt face.”

I felt my mouth open and no words came out as I stared at Kouga in surprise.

“That surprised to see me? I didn't think I'd ever see you speechless,” he said with a grin and a chuckle.

I closed my mouth and cleared my throat, even though there was nothing physical in it.

“I never thought I'd see you in this castle,” I replied stupidly.

“I'm mated to Ayame now so I suppose I'm considered safe to be near you, that and he's marked and pupped you once more so there is no threat to him if I am near you.”

“I had a feeling you two would eventually mate,” I said with a smile.

“Yes, mated and soon to be father. I'll be in your place in May just remember me fondly, I have a feeling Ayame will kill me once her labor pains begin.”

“I doubt it, although…if Sesshomaru and I had been on better terms when I was birthing Ryusei I dare say he'd not have the equipment to pup me again.”

Kouga turned to watch Chiouka playing with the others, “So she was the one conceived that day…not bad, the two of you make decent looking pups but neither will compare to mine when it's born.”

I laughed, “Already the proud papa,” I said shaking my head.

“From your scent I'd say you're soon to have another to fawn over.”

I lay my hands on my belly and turned to look at Kouga who seemed to see the sadness etched on my face and turned away again.

“If it continues to get worse let me know. We're not a large clan, nor are we very powerful but if you need our aide you'll have it and I'm pretty sure you can say the same for your kitsune pal and the humans he stays with.”

I nodded and let my hands fall back to my sides, “How is Shippo?”

“The brat is engaged to that human girl he loved so…much. We have all warned him and he knows the risks involved and he and the girl…I think Tsubame is her name, are happily standing behind their matrimonial.”

“As long as he's happy…that's all that matters. Tell him that he can visit or write to me should he have the need. I can't leave this castle let alone these grounds so something to break the monotony would be nice.”

Kouga nodded and turned to look over my head, a frown appearing on his face.

“I should say my good bye's while I have the chance. I think your brother has come to end our conversation. Remember what I said,” and with that I watched him bow in my direction and then turn to bow in Sesshomaru's direction, though not nearly as deeply as he had bowed to me.

I watched him leave and felt an ache in my chest. I found it hard to breathe. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up into my brothers stern gold eyes and felt my chest tighten further.

“Did he say something to upset you,” he asked and I saw what I assumed was worry on his features.

“No, I think the activity is getting to me. I'm going to go lie down, apologize to Chiouka and Ryusei for me,” I turned to leave and felt his hand squeeze my shoulder and then his breath was in my ear.

“Your Hakama looks nice,” with that he pulled back and I felt the tightness in my chest loosen a bit as I turned back around to look him in the eye.

I nodded and whispered thank you as I turned and fled, afraid to show him my face, afraid of what emotions were now on its surface as my cheeks heated.

To Be Continued…..

Sorry it took so long. Once again, thank you everyone who reads and thank you everyone who reviews. It helps keep me focused on writing. I almost deleted this chapter and started over but I forced myself through it. So enjoy. I gave up my Karaoke night at the bar to finish it but no worries, I needed a me night anyway.

Hopefully more to come and maybe an update for Cornerstone before I start another fic.

Kat