InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ His Little Girl ❯ Nightmares ( Chapter 36 )

AN: This one was a bit hard to write and it may be a bit hard to read.

 

 

 

 

 

Sesshoumaru looked toward the door as he felt Kagome coming near. He watched as the shoji door slid open to reveal her, he was surprised that she was dressed so plainly, she had so often expressed her pleasure at the feel of the silks against her skin. So why now was she dressed in cotton, there wasn't even a design on any of it, just solid deep green and black. He looked at her once more before turning his attention back to his brother's mate who lay unconscious still.

 

Kagome had caught the look in his eyes when she had entered and mistook his confusion for accusation. She clasped her shaking hands together inside the sleeves of the kimono as dark thoughts ran through her already fragile mind. He knows, he knows what I've done. He knows what I am now. She looked at Inuyasha who sat beside his mate with her hand clasped tightly in his afraid to let go. Did he tell him? No wonder Inuyasha wanted me to tell him, I guess it is his duty as Sesshoumaru's brother to let him know. He must think me so ungrateful to have dishonored him so. She bowed her head to the floor afraid to look up at anyone in the room.

 

Quietly Kagome slipped back out of the room and made her way to the southern gardens. She walked deep in the winding maze of flowering trees and bushes until she reached an area of long feathery grasses no more than three feet square. It was hidden by gardenia bushes that were so thick she had to crawl in between them on her hands and knees to reach the hiding spot. She sat there and rocked back and forth with her knees drawn tightly to her chest her arms wrapped around them.

 

He would have been so much better off without me. Why did I do this to him? How could I do this to him? Her hands fisted tightly in her hair as both attacks ran through her mind as though they were happening again, only this time her mind tormented her as she heard her mate's voice talking to her through the attacks. He was asking her how she could betray him like this, how she could be so unfaithful to him.

 

Kagome began shaking, her hands trembling so hard that even when she put them between her knees they wouldn't stay still. Her eyes were wide and stared unfocused as she rocked herself through her trembling. She bit her lip as she fought to keep the tears and sobs away. She sat there like that for nearly twenty minutes as she fought to keep a tight hold on her raging emotions. Finally she became still and blinked her eyes as a thought came to her; it seemed to be the best and only solution. She now had only two options, the first she would try from this moment on, she would become the perfect model of the Japanese wife. Silent before a male presence, her eyes kept low, always walk three paces behind your husband, never speak unless spoken to, and wait to do everything for yourself last. If this did not please him than she would, as hard as it would be, she would restore his honor and in doing so allow him to choose another mate. She would perform the ultimate act to restore honor to him. She would not, no matter what she had to do, allow him any more dishonor or disgrace at her hands.

 

With this decided Kagome crawled out from her hiding place and walked from the garden and into the castle once more. She stepped quietly back into the healer's chambers and sat behind and slightly off to the side of her mate, keeping her hands clasped in her lap and her eyes lowered. Sesshoumaru looked back at her, his brows drawn in confusion once more. Who was this? This is not his Kagome. He had never seen her act so, so why would she begin to now?

 

Sango too noticed the change and looked upon her friend in worry. Inuyasha was none the wiser, his attention completely focused on Maika as Tiyeko and Kashu helped Shinta prepare the new, well old, chambers for Maika to be moved into. Instead of taking the hurt woman back to her and Inuyasha's chambers, they had decided to put her in her the chambers she had resided in as a youth when Shinta had raised her. Shinta and Kashu cleaned the room as Tiyeko made the bed and opened the shutters covering the windows.

 

Sango moved closer to Kagome and tried to begin a quiet conversation with her friend, but there were men present and so like a good wife, Kagome kept quiet. Sango tried once more to engage her friend in conversation but it was to no avail. Sesshoumaru peered back at Kagome from the corner of his golden eye, what was wrong with her?

 

“Kagome,” he called to her softly. She looked up at him and waited silently for him to continue. “Come, I have not yet eaten. Will you join me for a meal?”

 

Kagome nodded once and stood and walked to the door. She opened it for him and bowed slightly waiting for him to exit the room before following and closing the door quietly. He watched her and was surprised and worried to notice that the woman who once was full of life and showed every emotion she felt to its fullest was now greatly subdued and held no emotion at all to her face nor eyes. As he walked down the hall he again noted a strange change in her. She was not walking alongside him, her arm entwined with his, instead she walked three paces behind him and just off to the side with her head bowed and her eyes cast to the floor. What the hell was she doing?

 

When they reached the doors the dinning room she quickened her pace and moved ahead of him to bow and open the door for him, waiting until he had entered to follow him. When he moved to the table she stood behind him as he sat to eat and took nothing when it was offered to her. Damnit that was it.

 

Sesshoumaru stood and took her hand leading her from the room. He walked with her until they were in their own chambers and stood before her as he studied her. She had not looked at him the entire time, and did not look at him now. Was she angry with him? He sniffed at her. No she wasn't angry…wait what was that? He sniffed again. Pups? Again he sniffed. Not just one pup but two, she was pregnant! He moved swiftly and took her into his arms and swung her about in the air.

 

He was smiling joyfully and holding onto her as he spoke words of elation that fell on deaf ears. Yes, she knew she was pregnant, but would he want her still? After she birthed the pups, would he allow her to mother them, or would she then be asked to leave? She had dishonored him greatly with her indisgression and would not fight him should he deny her the honor of being their mother. She looked down as she felt his face pressed against the skin of her abdomen, he had untied her obi and opened her kimono and was now kissing her womb and talking to the lives it held inside.

 

A part of her was afraid that he would want to have sex, she wasn't sure she could handle that right now, but a harsh voice in her head stopped her from pushing him away. You are his mate Kagome, his wife. It is your duty to allow him whatever pleasures he wishes to take from your body. Denying him that will only further dishonor him. She looked down upon him and a sadness seeped into her eyes, past her emotionless barrier she had erected. I only have you now for as long as I carry these pups once they are born I know you will bid me gone. Will you still want these pups that I carry, or will they serve as a reminder for the shame I have brought upon you? I am so sorry to have betrayed you so my lord, even my own mother knows the shame I have caused. In that moment she made a frightful decision, once they were born, she would restore honor upon the Western Lands and upon her mate. Once they were born she would take her own life by way of the ritual suicide. His honor would be restored and he would be free to choose another mate and a new mother for the pups.

 

Sesshoumaru looked into her eyes and mistook the sadness for tiredness. Standing, he lifted her into his arms and laid her down upon the bed. He pulled the blankets over her and sat beside her. Kissing her brow, he told her to get some rest and that he would return to wake her for the evening meal. He promised himself that he would look after her as best he could now. Though one thing was for certain, she would not be joining the others when they went shard hunting. He would not risk both her life and the lives of the unborn pups.

 

Once he had left the room and she heard his steps fade as he walked down the hall, she turned onto her side and let the tears she had kept back fall. She loved him so much, she truly did, but she had betrayed that love. Her tears fell faster as her depression grew. If she loved him so much, how could she have done this to him? How could she have dishonored him like this? She remembered all the times from days gone by that Inuyasha had called her nothing but a worthless reincarnation, good for nothing but finding the shards. He was right, she realized that now. Had she just paid attention to him before she never would have allowed Sesshoumaru to mate her. Had she known the shame she would cause him, cause others…why didn't she just listen to Inuyasha back then? She realized now that she could have prevented all of this by not fighting Kikyou when she had tried to take her soul.

 

Kagome cried herself into a fitful slumber full of horrid dreams she couldn't escape.

 

 

~Hojou was attacking her again, both on the couch in her home, and on the bed in Yuki's. She looked away from her attacker and off to the side to see Sesshoumaru standing there not moving.

 

“Do you see how you shame me?” he asked his face stoic and his eyes full of cruel accusation. “You brought this all upon yourself. This is your fault that he does this to you. You are a disgrace to my name, to the Western Lands. The pups you carry will have to live with the shame; they will have to grow in dishonor. They will always be full of dishonor; they will never be able to stand with their heads held high. It is worse than if they were simply hanyou.”

 

“I'm sorry,” Kagome cried out to him. “I didn't want this.”

 

“You never made any move to stop it.”

 

Kagome looked away to see what he was looking at and she saw that Hojou was once again attacking her on her mother's couch, only this time she seemed to be a willing participant. Her hands were stroking him and she wasn't fighting him off. It was then she knew the truth, she had let this happen. ~

 

 

Kagome awoke crying nearly two hours after she had fallen asleep. Sitting up in the bed, she leaned back against the headboard. She failed to notice Shinta enter the room, and clenched her fist under the blankets to keep from jumping when the healer touched her arm.

 

“Kagome-sama?” the youkai asked concerned.

 

“Please Shinta-sama, do not call me sama.”

 

Shinta nodded, she knew that this woman was not big on formalities, but the way she asked it, it was as though she felt undeserving of such a title. The rabbit youkai took in her friend's appearance, the tear streaks on her pale face, and the smell of despair that clung to her. What was wrong?

 

“Kagome, what is wrong my friend? Why do you cry?” she asked as she tucked Kagome's hair behind her ears.

 

I cry because of the shame I have brought on you all, she thought. “I cry because Maika cannot.”

 

Shinta was tired enough from carrying for her daughter and distraught enough from the injuries that she had tended to on the female inu that she took Kagome's words as truth.

 

“Sesshoumaru has been happily telling the others that you carry pups.” Kagome simply nodded but did not meet the woman's eyes. “Are you happy as well to carry them?” Kagome again nodded but did not meet her eyes, these poor innocent pups would live in shame because of her. “You must care for them now. They are what are important now.” Kagome simply nodded but remained quiet, her attention focused on the bed sheets. “Your mother has been a great help to me, I am glad to have met her.” Shinta inwardly sighed as the girl remained despondent and silent. She stood and tucked the blankets around the girl's legs. “I'll leave you to rest now.”

 

Shinta left and Kagome covered her still flat tummy with her hands. Will you ever forgive me? she asked the pups within her. She looked up as the door to her room opened and Sesshoumaru stepped inside. He walked to her side and sat on the bed beside her hip.

 

He noticed the tears she had let dry on her face and wrapped her in his arms. Something was wrong, that much was obvious, but why wouldn't she talk to him? He held her to him and stroked her ebony hair.

 

“What is wrong koishii?” he asked softly.

 

His question only served to cause more tears to fall, despite her efforts to keep them at bay. How could he call her that? Koishii, beloved, she was undeserving of that. Didn't he see, couldn't he tell? She wasn't worth any of it anymore. Not the titles, not the fancy kimonos, not the room, not his bed. She should be sleeping on a tatami mat in one of the servant's quarters, not here in this comfort. She was nothing more than a disgrace now; once the pups were born she would take that disgrace away. She silently promised him; once the pups are born your honor will be restored.

 

Sesshoumaru held her and rocked her gently as she cried. He didn't know what was wrong, and she wouldn't tell him. Didn't she understand, he would anything for her? If she would just talk to him and tell him what was wrong he would do anything in his power to fix it, to make her smile again. If she would just tell him…