InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ I Can't Love You Like This ❯ Chapter 6

Author Note: It feels like this story have gone in a bad direction the last few chapters or more like it walked in circles. Have to fix that so I hope this is enough spice for you at the moment. Can never get enough cliffhangers. Me evil, yes I know.

 

Kitsune-san - If you're reading this. Someone close to me admitted recently to have messed with my mail while I was sleeping one morning and therefore if you've send me a reply I'm sorry to say that I haven't got it and I can't find it anywhere. Deeply sorry for that.

 

Summary: In order to escape his sinful love he tried to destroy them. Now he tries to create a future where they can be together, and amend what he have done.

 

Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha. I don't get anything for my work.

 

Pairing/Rating: Sesshoumaru/InuYasha. Mature readers only since it contains serious subjects.

 

Warning: Incest, non-con/rape, m/m, anal, oral, solo, voyeurism, foul languish, death wish.

 

Read, Enjoy & Review.

 

I Can't Love You Like This

By Monkan

 

Chapter 6

 

“InuYasha.” Kagome cheerfully said as she walked up to her boyfriend. She gave him a big smile and radiated like the sun. “How was your weekend? Missed me?” she linked her arm around his and looked at him.

 

InuYasha just shrugged as he closed his note book. “Not much.” The northern light flashed before his eyes. “Just another boring day spent in the house.”

 

“Hmmm.” Kagome said thoughtfully.

 

“How about yours?” he asked fast to get her attention away.

 

“It could had been better but then again I wouldn't had....”

 

InuYasha tuned her out after that. Her ongoing about various gossips and look-at-me attitude was craving at his nerves but he couldn't tell her to shut up. He looked at the black board. A remember-note was written at the edge to not let them forget about the upcoming test. Since the teacher weren't there yet there were students who were goofing of with each other. Girls were sitting in groups chatting about the newest brand of bags, idols, boyfriends or whatever. The “cool” kids sat at the back where they relaxed without a care and bragged about their achievements in sport or their new girl.

 

Boring day to say the least.

 

“And then I told her that I.... hey! Are you listening?”

 

InuYasha snapped his attention back to Kagome and gave her an apologizing smile. “Sorry, my mind wandered.”

 

She flipped her raven back hair over her shoulder and gave him a concerned look. “Is everything all right?”

 

“Yeah. Sesshoumaru just told me that he would be gone for today so...”

 

“He's nice to you aren't he?” Kagome asked InuYasha while cutting of his words rather rudely.

 

InuYasha felt slightly irked with her. Why was he finding more faults with her than before? “Yeah. Why shouldn't he? He may be a bit cold and rude at times but he's taken care of me since I was a snotty brat.”

 

Kagome looked thoughtful for a moment. “I know but still.... I don't like him InuYasha. He gives me the creeps.” she confessed.

 

He fought the urge to snap at her. “Why's that?”

 

“He glares at me strangely when he sees me. I can't help but get the feeling that he really hates me. So I worry that he will make it hard for you.” he gulped.

 

“You shouldn't worry about it. Sesshoumaru can get very antisocial with people he's not used to.”

 

InuYasha made the mistake of looking away and Kagome mistook it for something else. She grabbed his arm tighter and made him look at her with wide eyes staring into his.

 

“If anything happens between you I want you too tell me. I will always be here for you no matter what it is.”

 

InuYasha felt his entire body grow cold.

 

How the hell could he tell his girlfriend he was sleeping with his own brother?

 

-o-o-o-o-

 

That day InuYasha ate alone in the house for the first time in a long while. It wasn't really anything special, just some leftovers in the fridge that had been saved. While he sat at the table and ate his miracle dinner he looked around the empty kitchen and the echoing sound of the clock.

 

The feeling of being alone in the house ate at his heart and left a bitter taste in his chest.

 

'Really, this house is too big for one person. But it have never felt like this before.' InuYasha took another bit before he looked at the door leading to the hallway. 'I never thought about it before but this house is far to quiet when no one else is around. Is this how Sesshoumaru always spends his days in this house?'

 

'No, I shouldn't think about that jerk now that I have the house for myself.' he stood up with the chair scraping against the floor. He took his plate and put it in the sink and walked away but halfway out the kitchen he stopped and turned around, looking at the dirty plate.

 

'Normally he takes care of it every day. Always. Everyday.' with hesitation he turned back to the sink. With clumsy hands he reached out for the brush and soap and started to clean the plate. When he was happy with the result he washed his hands and walked to the living room.

 

He sat down facing the TV and flipped through the channels. Nothing really caught his attention, some report, another reality show, a comedy in re-run. Nothing.

 

With a frustrated sigh he shut the TV off and threw the remote onto the table. InuYasha let his head tilt backward and stared up at the ceiling. Finding it just as entertaining as the TV he rolled his head to the side and stared at the other end of the sofa.

 

~if you can forgive me~

 

InuYasha sat up straight as he was sure he had just heard his brother.

 

“Sesshoumaru?” he called out but got no answer but the silence of the house. “Must be my imagination.” he said to himself while he scratched to his head.

 

~I love you more than I should but I can't help it~

 

InuYasha snapped around once and saw no one. No one was playing a trick on him. He looked once more at the other end of the sofa and it's pale brown fluffy pillows. 'It was here he said those words.' InuYasha realized.

 

~I did something unforgivable~

 

He sat up properly and glared at the spot at the other end. InuYasha didn't give much more thought of it and stood up and walked away. He walked out in the hall with his hands in his pockets, fully intending on going to his room but when he walked just past the first door his mind flashed the image of him and Sesshoumaru kissing.

 

When he took another step the image was gone but he still stayed. Slowly he turned around and as if he was a third viewer he saw himself wrapped up in an embrace with his brother.

 

'No.' he turned his head roughly to the side to shake away the image but in front of his eyes another image of them kissing appeared.

 

In his eyes he saw how one of Sesshoumaru's hands reached up and cradled his cheek while their tongues obviously duelled. Both clearly enjoying it.

 

“No! It's not like that!” InuYasha snapped at the image before he turned around and stormed to his room. The door slammed close behind him and the silent echo of the door resounded in his room along with his heavy breathing.

 

“It's not like that at all.” he whispered. “I- I am....”

 

~I love you.... more than anyone~

 

His hands pressed over his ears as if he tried to block out the voice. “No. It's not true. He's just messing with me.” Shaking his head he tried to change his thoughts but with little success as the same whispers in his mind stayed and continued to taunt him.

 

~I love you but I can't go on like this~

 

InuYasha raised his head and began to hit his own head with his fists. “Stop it. Stop it.” he repeated like a mantra. His hands didn't stop until his head ached to much to hit it any more.

 

As if something had sucked the strength out of him he could stop himself from falling to his knees. His eyes stared straight ahead of him as they began to fill with water. Before he could stop them or even brush away them with a shaky hand, they fell.

 

Down his cheeks and to his chin only to drop and land on his shirt. He raised his head a little more so he could look at the ceiling, his tears still ran down his cheek but trailed down his neck.

 

“Why? Why did it turn out like this?” he asked himself. “Why did I just stay quiet and followed him? We're brothers for Christ sake.” his lower lip began to quiver as he spoke his thoughts out loud. Memories of the weeks that passed since that one fateful night played out in his head. Awkward but somehow... happy memories. Somewhere in the beginning he had forgotten about the most important and just gone with the flow. He had looked away when he knew what they did was wrong but still... He had been happy.

 

It had been so easy to look away from the truth when everything seemed to return to somewhat normal. He had been able to forget. Forget who had really hurt him, who had betrayed him and how he had been forced to be apart of a sinful relationship he didn't want from the beginning and what had he done? He had looked away and forgotten.

 

“What have I become?” he sniffed. “How could it have turned out like this? Tell me why?”

 

His head swayed a little further back before chaining direction and with little effort his head fell forward and with the a moments anger his fist came down on the floor, it hurt in his hand but it was a dull pain compared to his head and heart. He rested on his arms with his head lowered and openly sobbed.

 

“Oh God! Oh God! I'm so messed up. I'm so fucked up inside. Why? Why must I be the one? He's the one who raped me!!”

 

“That's right. He raped me and I allowed it to happen. I didn't fight back enough when he took me and I didn't turn him to the cops and authorities after. He's the one who's sick.”

 

“He's so sick. How could he do that to me? If he loved me as much as he said he does then he wouldn't had done that to me. That sick bastard.”

 

“I'm weak. So weak. How pathetic I've become. I followed him and his words and I came to enjoy his love.”

 

“What the fuck have I been doing? I'm just as sick as he is. I've kissed him. I've let him touch me freely. I've become nothing more than a sex toy for him and I allowed it. HELL! If he wants to take me again like that night I would most likely just allow him to do what he wants with me again.”

 

“Yeah! I would let him fuck me and have me suck him off or anything he wanted. I would let him cum inside of me like I was some kind of breeding bitch. It's not like it matters any way. It's not like I matter for that either. He doesn't have to worry about getting diseases or any unwanted surprises after one of his ruts in my bed. I don't have any value to begin with.”

 

“It's not true. It's not true. He didn't have a choice when he--”

 

“BUT HE VIOLATED ME!”

 

InuYasha didn't even notice when he began to speak in split personality. His thoughts jumping from one thought to another. All the pent up fear and suppressed emotions. All the things he had secretly thoughts about himself without realizing it and it all came crashing down on him in one go. Nothing could stop it.

 

“Oh yeah. I'm one piece of art. All me life I've looked down on those that sleep with others without remorse. Those that cheat without thinking about the consequences. And what do I do? I get a girlfriend and I sleep with me older brother. I let him fuck me and I don't give a damn. I'm so broken I can't even see it. Hehe..”

 

Slowly but surely he broke out in mad laughter. His head thrown back as he let it out. A laughter that looked down on himself. That condemned himself. One that taunted him for what he had become.

 

When had it begun? When he couldn't be honest with himself until now? How much had he locked away to protect himself? To prevent himself from seeing the whole truth. To see what he really was made of and what he really felt. That he no longer were as innocent as he had been.

 

Now that his feelings and heart were laid out bare for him he could clearly see it and it all made perfect sense. It's true that when he was raped he was the victim but even before that he had loved Sesshoumaru. He hadn't realized that. When he was violated he still hadn't seen it under the betrayal since that was a crime he couldn't commit. But when after the hurt and pain had been dealt he had began to feel what he shouldn't feel for Sesshoumaru, he had even began to forgive him for what he had done to him that night. Something he couldn't forgive himself for and it all had began to fall apart, his life, his mentality, his reasoning, until it had snapped.

 

“We are brothers, remember?”

 

When his laughter tone down he was left feeling strangely empty. Everything around him looked strange but amazingly clear. Had the world always looked like this?

 

-o-o-o-o-o-

 

Sesshoumaru opened the door and locked it behind him. It had taken longer than he thought at the markets head office. Some snobby bastard had tried to cheat them on their money and would had succeeded if someone hadn't called him and had him come down after he had made a quick stop by his school to leave a report. Everything had solved for the better but still, he was annoyed that someone thought they could get away with his money.

 

“InuYasha, I'm home.” he said quietly as to not wake InuYasha if he was asleep. He put his bag down at the entrance to the living room and noted that the lights were spilling out from under InuYasha's bedroom door.

 

'So he's awake.'

 

He walked over to the door and gently knocked. “InuYasha. Are you awake?”

 

When he got no answer he sighed and turned the door handle down. The door opened with a creak that hadn't been there before and the first thing Sesshoumaru saw stopped him right away.

 

InuYasha was sitting against his bed and didn't even look up at him. In his hand he held a knife and his other hand dropped of blood.

 

“INUYASHA!” Sesshoumaru screamed as he rushed to his little brothers side. He snatched the knife away from InuYasha's limp fingers and threw it at the other side. Even this got him no response and cold dread chilled his blood. He gripped InuYasha's hand and much to his fear he saw that not only had his palm and fingers been cut a few times but also his wrist.

 

“You IDIOT!” Sesshoumaru growled as he took of his shirt and pressed it to InuYasha's bleeding hand. He wrapped the arms around his arm a few times to make sure it stayed. He didn't even fully stand up as he rushed out of the room and to the bathroom. He grabbed the first few towels he could find and the first aid kit. He ran back and ungracefully sat down next to InuYasha. He removed his shirt that were already handsomely soaked with blood. After he began to care for InuYasha's hand. He banded the wrist carefully before taking on the larger cuts on InuYasha's palm and fingers. The whole time it made Sesshoumaru even more nervous that InuYasha didn't seem to respond to him.

 

When he was somewhat finished he let out a shaky sigh. His hands shook as he began to put things away as he tried to collect himself. He looked at InuYasha once more and saw no response in those amber coloured eyes.

 

“InuYasha! Speak to me!”

 

No response.

 

“InuYasha?” he tried again. “Why did you do this? Why?”

 

Not even this could get a response and he really began to fear InuYasha had gone into shock or something. With no thought that his shirt was blood soaked he put it on before getting up and leaving the room. He took his keys and unlocked the front door and left it open, he then ran to the car and opened the door to the passenger seat at the front. He returned to InuYasha and scooped him up in his arms and with much gentleness he took him outside and sat him down in the car.

 

Sesshoumaru took a fast turn to the house and closed to door, not caring if it was locked or not. He tan back to the car and jumped in. He put in the shift and with one single back turn he was out on the road and heading for the hospital.

 

All the way he talked to InuYasha as he stepped on the gas. Close to the hospital he had the bad luck of meeting a cop car and since he was unconsciously speeding they were after him. Somehow he managed into the front yard and stopped with the cops behind him. He stepped out and when the cops saw him they were shocked and asked if he were all right. He all but ignored them and opened InuYasha's door to take him out and ran into the hospital.

 

As soon as he was inside he yelled for help and a nurse called for the doctor since InuYasha had his hand in a bloody bandage and Sesshoumaru was blood stained on his shirt.

 

The rest were a muddle for Sesshoumaru.

 

To Be Continued.