InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Inevitable ❯ Trepidation ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and co. all belongs rightfully to Rumiko Takahashi.

 

 

Inevitable

 

Chapter 3

Trepidation

 

 

I hadn't remembered my dream but I'd woken up crying.

 

I wasn't sure if I woke him or not, but I was leaning towards the idea that he'd been awake for quite some time.

 

He stirred next to me and I immediately sniffled, wiping hastily at my eyes. If there was anything I hated it was appearing weak in front of him. I felt bad enough as it were. I felt like some replacement toy, used for his own purposes, and I wasn't even sure why.

 

Every time he yelled at me I had to feel guilty, I had to feel it was my fault; I had to feel it was always me, not him, never him. I felt that whenever he looked at me, wanting me, taking me, it was never really me. He had lost himself after her death, and every time he claimed me I could see in his eyes that he was somewhere far away, far from me.

 

I was not sure when I noticed, but after that first time I simply hadn't felt…the same. How could I? I'd thought I had what I wanted; I'd dreamt so long of him finally wanting me, me, and not she who had died but still lived inside of him, where I wanted to be...

 

But then I began to see the distance in his eyes, the unfocused far away look, and then they would turn red, oh so red and he wouldn't be there anymore.

 

I was losing myself.

 

I was losing myself and I was afraid, afraid that it was never me and always her, always, and afraid that I would simply crumble and the one they had called Kagome would be nothing but an empty shell.

 

I was too frightened, afraid that if I tried to tell him that he would become angry, or worse, I would be right. I suppose the reason for being so meek was that I wished only to please him. I had thought that perhaps if I did just what he wanted and acted the way he wanted then he would want me.

 

I did not hate her, I never had, but I had begun to feel a cold envy, deep inside of me, green with jealousy that she still held sway over what I never could. Sometimes I cursed her; sometimes I asked for her advice, gods even her permission in my prayers. I already knew that despite our shared soul I would never be her, but always me, yet for him I felt, that just wasn't good enough.

 

His face came into my vision as he leaned over me, placing his left arm above my right shoulder, a curtain of white hair blocking out everything but those intense eyes. Staring at me even as I tried to brush away the forming tears, blinking rapidly and biting my bottom lip.

 

He frowned. “You're crying,”

 

I shook my head, trying to deny it. “No…no I'm not.”

 

I winced at the growl he made, causing me to tense, closing my eyes.

 

The sound stopped and I opened my eyes, looking up at him.

 

His expression seemed confused and in reaction my own brows twitched in puzzlement.

 

“Why.”

 

I stared at him blankly. Why indeed? But I turned my head aside and said nothing, staring at nothing.

 

The mattress creaked slightly as he roughly pushed away, slumping down beside me. I curled up and clutched the sheets in my hands to bring them up to my chest.

 

I looked at the alarm clock and felt my eyes widen. It was six thirty and my mother would be up in less than half an hour!

 

“Inuyasha, quick! You have to go now!” I urged him, turning over to shake his shoulder, my earlier shyness forgotten.

 

He looked at me and frowned. “Why?” he questioned suspiciously.

 

I pointed to the clock. “My mother will be up any minute! Quickly, you've got to go before she gets up!”

 

Dark brows drew down, and his face of suspicion carried a hint of anger.

 

“You don't want her to find me here?”

 

I paused, gazing at him. “You know she would freak out, why are you asking now? You would usually be gone by now anyways,” I tried to explain.

 

He straightened into an upright sitting position, crossing his arms.

 

“So you're ashamed of me.”

 

The exhale of breath caught in my throat and for what felt like an eternity I couldn't move. He thought…I was ashamed of him?

 

“W - what?” I finally managed to stutter.

 

“You're ashamed of me,” he repeated, “you're ashamed of being with me, a hanyou,” he spat the term and I flinched. “You don't want your mother to find out you're bedding with me.”

 

I gaped at his accusations, stricken. My mouth opened and closed but I couldn't seem to form a reply.

 

He growled. “I fucking knew it.”

 

The haughtiness in his tone seemed to hit a nerve because the next second I found my voice. “I'm not!” I protested furiously, “I don't know what you're talking about!”

 

The breath left me when I was shoved unceremoniously onto my back, the springs in my mattress bouncing a little from the force.

 

Clawed hands gripped my wrists and forced them down on either side of my head, golden eyes burning into mine as he straddled me to keep me from kicking.

 

“Don't lie to me,” he seethed.

 

“I'm not,” I whispered, trying to sink myself even deeper into my pillow as if to hide myself from that livid gaze.

 

“Yes you are. You hide and keep it all locked up like some fucking shameful secret. Am I that fucking sickening to you!?” he said, his voice rising in volume.

 

I shook my head from side to side, the back of my eyes already stinging with tears.

 

“No…shh, Inuyasha, you're waking everyone up,” I told him; trembling and attempting to blink back the threatening tears.

 

“You see! You fucking see!? You're ashamed that you're with a hanyou bastard, you're ashamed of being with me!”

 

“No!” I shouted back, boldly locking my eyes with his. “I'm not, I'm not ashamed of you, it's not you.”

 

He scowled. “What?”

 

I shut my eyes and looked away. “It's not you, it's never you…”

 

The easing of his grip on my wrists made me slowly open my eyes, staring up at him with apprehension.

 

“What?” he repeated, this time his voice seemed to waver though, almost raspy.

 

I bit my lip. “I'm never ashamed of you.”

 

He was sitting up straight now, still straddling me but he studied me with a strange expression I couldn't place.

 

“Then…who?” he eventually asked.

 

I was then unsure if I wanted to tell him, afraid to tell him, but I had figured I would have to tell him eventually, whether I wanted to or not.

 

“Me…”

 

His reaction was slow, beginning with the raising of his eyebrows, followed by the widening of his eyes, his muscles tensing as he leaned away, his mouth falling partway open.

 

“You?” his voice was incredulous.

 

I bit my lip and nodded. “It's always me.”

 

He seemed confused, and he had a right to be, even I was still confused.

 

Clearing his throat he faced away, slowly easing off of me to stand by the bed, arms folded across his chest as he fixed his gaze somewhere out my window.

 

I waited, pushing myself up to sit, staring at my hands in my lap.

 

“Why?”

 

I had expected the question, yet even being aware of it; I still didn't know how I was supposed to answer.

 

I shrugged, even though I knew he wasn't looking at me. “I…I'm never…” gods but how was I supposed to say it? “…I'm never good enough. I can't be everything you need…I can't be her.”

 

There was a prolonged silence that I did not attempt to break, a little stunned at my own, however small, confession.

 

“Kagome.”

 

I forced myself to look up at him. All the feelings of trepidation swirling at the pit of my stomach in a vortex of built up emotion was creating a rather uncomfortable sensation.

 

He paused, about to say something, and I felt the queasiness increase and my throat tighten.

 

“You don't understand do you?” he finally said, catching me completely off guard.

 

My mouth opened but I said nothing for a time, needing to swallow to regain the moisture in my throat.

 

“No…” I whispered, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes.

 

He looked down, shifting uncomfortably. “You're, you're not…” he groaned in frustration. “Fuck!” he cursed, throwing up his hands to look at me.

 

“Inuyasha…”

 

He glared, swinging his gaze to the floor. “Fuck Kagome, this isn't…this isn't about her.”

 

I trembled, shaking my head. “It is. It always is. Always.”

 

“Kagome!” he yelled, his face suddenly inches from mine and I leaned back.

 

He raised a claw to my loose sleep shirt, and I frowned in puzzlement. “Inuyasha wh - no! Inuyasha…!”

 

He sliced the material from the collar down, tossing the useless top aside, baring my chest so that I wrapped my arms around myself, turning red even when he'd seen me many times before.

 

He didn't comment, simply pushed my arms down to my sides, despite my murmured protests, and then released one of my wrists to point at all the little bruises, all the little cuts, the slashes on my breast - everything that he had done to me.

 

“Do you see that?” he demanded, and dumbly, I nodded. “That's proof, Kagome.”

 

I wrenched the wrist that he still held from his grip, bringing both arms back up to hide myself again.

 

“But what does that mean?” I whispered tearfully, and I was glad that my bangs hid the salty tears from his view.

 

He groaned, pushing away and standing.

 

And then a knock sounded at the door, and we both froze.

 

I lifted my head to stare at him, both our widened gazes meeting and locking.

 

He seemed to hesitate, unsure.

 

“Kagome? Kagome what's going on?” my mother's voice was muffled by the barrier of the door, and I stared at him pleadingly.

 

He seemed unwilling, but with a meaningful glare he turned away to leap out the opened window, vanishing.

 

He was just in time. A moment later my door opened to my mother standing in her pajamas and bathrobe, a cup of coffee in one hand and with an extreme case of bed head.

 

“Kagome, what - ” she began with a yawn but froze upon seeing me, sitting on my bed, topless with my former T-shirt lying ripped in half on the floor, and the cool breeze blowing in through my open window…

 

“Oh gods…” she said, raising a hand to cover her mouth. “Kagome what - what happened?”

 

I looked down and heard her approach then sit next to me on the edge of my bed.

 

“Kagome…Inuyasha was here…wasn't he?” she questioned carefully.

 

I didn't deny it, nodding my head and simply stated, “yes.”

 

She made a slow intake of breath, and I could see her arm as she reached over to set her coffee on my bedside table. As she sat back her eyes must have fell upon the slightly visible scars that my arms could not completely hide.

 

She gasped. “Kagome…oh dear gods…”

 

I slowly tilted my head to face her.

 

Her tone was very serious, and her expression was extremely grave. “Kagome…what happened? What is going on?”

 

I took a moment to think, gazing out the open window before looking her in the eye.

 

“I don't know.”

 

And even now, I still do not think that I do.