InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Malice ❯ Preparations: Painful Realities ( Chapter 15 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 15: Preparations: Painful Realities

Kikyou sat on a small promontory overlooking a dip in the landscape early the next morning, enjoying the quiet, that small period of time every morning when the whole world seems to hold its breath... sunrise. It was a beautiful morning, cool, but not cold, and from where she was sitting, she could see for miles.

It's just unfortunate that the beauty of this day has to be tainted - Naraku causes harm even when he isn't around.

She sighed, slowly, painfully, as the knowledge of what she had to do this morning filtered through her. Inuyasha's going to be devastated, and there is nothing I can do about it, either. Better that he see it all now, than wait and let Naraku torture him with it later.

She looked at the lands spread out below, wondering, not for the first time, how her life had ended up the way it had. She had lived, then died, then returned to a half-life, only to be faced with her own re-incarnated soul. The reincarnation that her one time love interest had fallen in love with.

It was odd: in the beginning, she had called Kagome her copy, her shadow, but the truth was, as much as it pained her to admit it, it was actually a curious inversion to that first idea of hers that she had found to be reality. She was actually the shadow, a forerunner of Kagome, and the first and foremost way in which that was apparent, was the relationship between Inuyasha and the younger Miko.

It was obvious just looking at them that they were soul mates. She had known it the moment she had tried to take Inuyasha to hell with her, and Kagome's voice had called him back. It had angered her beyond all bearing, and that had directly led to her stealing the shards Kagome had held at the time, and giving them to Naraku.

And that had led pretty much straight to the place she was now sitting - preparing to show Inuyasha memories of his soul mate being raped by their most deadly enemy. Even back then, as much as she had hated Kagome, and Inuyasha himself, she would never have wished this on either of them.

Never.

Because, to put it plainly, nothing he'd ever been through in his admittedly horror-filled life would ever be able to prepare him for what he was about to see. She was here to do her best to rectify her own mistakes - and she couldn't let her pain at knowing the hurt about to be bestowed on the hanyou, stop her. This had to be done. She shook her head, tears filling her eyes, and she cried, letting all the pain and grief out. She had to let it all go, because she needed to be strong and focused, with a clear mind.

She was all they had, the only one that could get them through this part of it.

Failure was not an option.

Failure meant death - for everyone.

Inuyasha was awake and building up the fire when she arrived back in the camp, and he looked up at her with tired eyes, nodding quietly to her. "Welcome back. Enjoying the peace while you can?"

She sighed. "Yes. Knowing it won't last makes you appreciate it all the more, is that not so?" She glanced around the confines of the camp with a slight frown. "Where is Kagome?"

"Taking care of her personal business, why?"

"I'm going to need to speak to her, you know. I have to convince her to allow the memory sharing, it won't work if she blocks me out." She watched him steadily. "I think I know how to get her to cooperate, but she isn't going to like the situation. She didn't even want you to know what happened, let alone... this."

Inuyasha nodded. "I know. I dread it, Kikyou. I'm sure you know that." He looked away wearily. "But I understand the necessity, that it's the only way to take away Naraku's advantage. I just... don't know how I'll react, you know, afterwards. When I've seen--" he broke off as Kagome walked slowly back into the camp.

"I'll get breakfast started, Inuyasha, if you and Kikyou want to talk, it's no problem." She spoke softly, deferentially, keeping her gaze turned away, and, once again, Inuyasha hated it, the loss of spirit implied in her deferential and submissive behavior.

He reached out and pulled her hard against him, letting his body dominate hers, tilting her chin up and forcing her gaze to his. "Listen wench, and listen well. I ain't gonna tell you again. Stop acting all submissive and crap to everyone all the time."

She tried to pull away, obviously embarrassed, glancing towards Kikyou with a face as red as Inuyasha's haori.

"I didn't give you permission to move, wench." He bent his head and nipped at her neck in reprimand, waiting as she instinctively tilted her head, baring her throat to him and whimpering.

"Good girl," he purred quietly. Pulling away and meeting her eyes, he nodded his head towards Kikyou, who was still standing to the side watching the interaction between the two. "She needs to talk to you, onna. I want you to go with her and listen to what she says." He didn't release her until she nodded, looking apprehensively at the older woman. "It's important, Kagome. What she has to ask you - just know, it really is important, okay?"

She looked up at him, solemnly nodding her head, before moving away and looking over at Kikyou. "I'm ready when you are, I guess." From the way he was acting and the things he'd said, she knew she probably wasn't going to like whatever was about to be said, and her anxiety spiked because of that.

I'm afraid...

Kikyou reached out and took Kagome by the hand, for once in her life actually hesitant about something. Kagome didn't pull away, although she looked surprised, and taking her acceptance as given, she pulled the younger woman towards a small open area within sight of the people now gathering around the fire, but out of earshot.

Actually, she thought absently, this would be a good spot to bring them when we are ready to do what we have to do.

Inuyasha kept a slight smile on his face 'til Kagome turned away, then a look that could only be described as haunted settled over his features, as the desperate fear of what was going to happen later sank in. He was more afraid of this day than he had been any other since he'd lost his mother and been forced to survive on his own.

My own pain, or even anyone elses, I could handle, but Kagome's... his breath caught in his chest, and he had to struggle to fight down the tears that were threatening, as he glanced over his shoulder at the woman who meant more than anything else in his life ever had.

It's my own fault that this is happening, too; if I hadn't left her alone to chase after Kikyou, if I'd just put her first then, as I am now... as I'd promised her after that mess with Akago, gods, if I hadn't been so fucking stupid and blind!

He shook his head, purposely focusing on getting together the things needed for breakfast, before he lost control and broke down completely.

Tugging Kagome over to an old limb laying like a bench along the ground, Kikyou motioned for her to sit, then did so herself. She sighed, rolling her shoulders slightly, trying to release some tension, then spoke. "This is... difficult, for me, being here like this, you know." She gestured back towards the camp.

"These people, they are your friends, this is your life, and I - I am only a shadow of you." She smiled at Kagome's soft, surprised gasp. "I know I have called you a 'copy' of me, but that was just my anger and bitterness talking. The truth is that neither of us can be compared to the other; I was the forerunner, and between you and I, there were several other incarnations. That's why your soul is so much larger than it was when I had it."

Kagome looked up at her, regarding her steadily for a few moments, before looking away again. "What is it that you don't want to say to me so badly, Kikyou? I can tell there's something upsetting you, and Inuyasha. Is it that you two have decided that you want to be together, after all?"

Kikyou jerked back in surprise. "What? No, that's not it at all!" She tilted her head questioningly. "You really don't believe him when he says he loves you, do you?"

"Not really... oh, don't get me wrong, I know he cares, I think he considers me his second best friend, behind you of course, but... I think he just feels guilty about everything that's happened lately, is all." She kept her expression blank, neutral, not wanting anyone to see what those words cost her.

Kikyou turned her body towards Kagome more, facing her. "You couldn't be more wrong if you tried, you know. Close your eyes for a moment, Kagome, and shut out everything around you. Clear your mind." At her surprised look, Kikyou nodded.

"Do it. I'm going to show you something, and then you'll understand just exactly who you are to him." She waited as Kagome closed her eyes, then at the girl's nod, she grasped her hands.

"Now, I want you to dig down, deep, as deep within your soul as you think you can go. Visualize it, see it with your mind."

Kagome did as instructed, which wasn't actually as hard as it sounded, since she felt rather empty inside anyway, it wasn't difficult at all to clear her mind. It was really rather like meditating, and soon, she felt as though she was floating on a warm sea, completely in the dark. Even with what had happened to her, she had no fear of the dark, she never had, always having felt an affinity for the absence of light.

Strange feelings, for a Miko....

But slowly, as she floated gently on that dark sea, she became aware of an other. At first, she had been alone, but now, there was a sense of someone else being there with her, and as she focused on that sense, she could feel it become stronger, and then she felt... something. Her eyes opened wide in shock, as she looked straight into Kikyou's face, catching the older Miko's surprised look.

"I didn't expect you to find it that quickly, but maybe I should have," she said wryly, with a quick glance back at the hanyou. The minute Kagome's eyes had snapped open, he'd turned towards her. He'd felt her touch the bond. Kikyou nodded soothingly to him, and he turned back to what he'd been doing.

"What was that, Kikyou?" Kagome still didn't understand, only knowing that she'd touched something, something that was not her.

Kikyou sighed. "That was your bond with Inuyasha. He's already inside your soul, and in case you hadn't noticed," here she rolled her eyes, "he's extremely possessive. He'll never let go of the grasp he has on you - even if he could. This kind of bond can't be undone, though, so it looks like your stuck with him."

Kagome stared into the distance for a few moments, not responding to her statement at all, as if she hadn't heard it, before turning back to her. "Well, Kikyou? What is it that you need from me? I know there's something."

This was it, the moment of truth. She couldn't put it off any longer, and yet, she still didn't know how to say what she had to say. Nothing in either of her so-called lives had prepared her for this. Looking down at her hands, she clasped them tightly in her lap, before taking a deep breath and just... saying it.

We have to show your memories of what happened to Inuyasha." Kikyou winced, waiting for the explosion.

Kagome stared at Kikyou, unable to believe she'd heard her correctly. "Wh-what?"

"Listen to me, Kagome, just for a minute. Naraku," she flinched as she said that name, "will use your memories against Inuyasha anyway, he will try to use them to break his mind-" she broke off as Kagome screamed in denial, reaching for her as she staggered to her feet, intent on escape.

"No!!" Run, run, run, don't let them in, I can't let them in, I won't let them IN!!!

Kagome's aura began swirling around her, in that moment, her mind only understanding what she felt to be a threat, and reacting with the fight or flight reflex. Unfortunately, it seemed her mind couldn't decide between 'fight' or 'flight', and it left her too muddled to actually manage to get away as Kikyou reacted instantly, grabbing her and pulling her back down, and sending her own aura to soothe Kagome's.

She looked up over the girl's shoulder as she held her, feeling the swirl of Inuyasha's youki, as well as the consternation of the others still within the confines of the camp, hoping that he could hold onto himself and not interfere. Closing her eyes, she frantically searched for her own composure.

This is bad... and we haven't even gotten to the worst of it yet, how will we ever get through this??

Inuyasha grabbed Sango's arm before she could move even a step, pulling her back sharply, leaving the taijiya quite shocked. He had never put his hands on her like that before. But it was the look on his face, the look in his eyes, that stopped her cold.

Even Miroku, angered as he'd been at the sight of Inuyasha manhandling his woman that way, was halted in his tracks at the sight.

Inuyasha, for the first time, ever, had completely lowered his normal defenses. The walls that he always kept in place around everyone were gone. It was something the two would never forget: Inuyasha's soul, bared for them to see.

It was a vision neither wanted to ever see again, either, it would haunt both of their dreams for years to come. And it was the only reason that Sango stopped trying to pull away and go to Kagome, because, here, in their sight, Inuyasha was crushed. His whole being was crying out at the hurt Kagome was feeling, and the guilt clearly visible within him was tearing him apart.

Even as angry as she was at him, Sango couldn't fight him anymore, instead simply asking, "Why, Inuyasha? What is she doing to Kagome, and why are you allowing it? Hasn't she been hurt enough?" Tears splashed from her eyes, and Miroku moved closer to her, pulling her comfortingly into his side, before pinning Inuyasha questioningly with his gaze as well.

His gaze pulled away from theirs, landing instead on the two women still sitting beyond the camp, his whole posture slumping at the sight of Kagome crying so hysterically, they could see the struggle in him as his instincts demanded that he protect his mate from what was causing her pain, and yet, his human mind knowing that what was happening was necessary.

Ears drooping, totally dejected, he turned his head back to his friends. "I wasn't planning on telling you two," he began, his voice slow, pained, "but maybe I should. Just don't bring it up to Kagome... that you know, I mean." He raised his eyes to meet both gazes. "Naraku plans to use Kagome's memories of the... rape," he choked the word out, "to break my mind."

Miroku frowned, tightening his hold on Sango momentarily at her gasp. "And? What are you and Kikyou planning to do about it that has Kagome so upset?"

Inuyasha closed his eyes, using every bit of strength he had just to speak the words. "The only way to stop him is to have Kikyou open Kagome's memories to me - at least this way, it can be done slowly, in an environment that we control, instead of at a time of Naraku's choosing. We all know he'd wait till the worst possible time to do it."

And suddenly, both Sango and Miroku knew exactly why Kagome was panicking... and why Inuyasha looked so devastated. Because now he would have to actually live through her memories of her rape, and Kagome would have to deal with him seeing her getting raped. For Kagome, it would be like being attacked all over again.

For Inuyasha, it was something that, in all honesty, he might not survive....

It would have been easier and less painful for him to have gone to hell with the older Miko.

Kikyou held onto Kagome, rocking her slowly, comfortingly, as she watched the confrontation between Inuyasha and his friends. She could see as his shoulders slumped, his body language telling her all she needed to know about what was happening. She was well aware of the hurt he was feeling, but he would be alright, and right now, her duty was to calm the girl down and get her to listen.

She pulled a little away, looking down at Kagome. She had calmed somewhat, her sobs finally quieting enough that they were little more than small sounds of pain and fear. Sighing deeply, she spoke again.

"Kagome, listen to me. I would not ask this if it weren't literally a life and death situation, you know." Her voice was low, husky, as she tried to keep her own emotions under control. "Will you listen to the why of things?"

Kagome drew a deep, shuddering breath, probing into herself, she realized idly that she was now calm - and wondered why. She searched inside her mind for a moment.

I see, she's using her aura, wrapping it around me like a blanket. No wonder I feel numb and too drained to fight anymore - I almost feel like I don't care who knows now. Clever, Kikyou. Maybe one day I'll have to ask her how to do that.

One day when I finally care again, anyway.

Drained, emotions paralyzed, she pulled away from the woman in front of her and nodded. "Go ahead. What's so important that you'd have to take my memories and give them to other people?"

Kikyou watched her carefully for a moment, then spoke. "I mentioned before that Naraku was going to take your memories and use them against Inuyasha, did I not?" At Kagome's affirmative gesture, she continued.

"We all know what that bastard is like. His plan is to wait till the most damaging, dangerous time, such as when we are in battle, and then use those memories to strike deeply into Inuyasha's mind. He will use force, slamming them into him, knowing that to do so will break him."

Finally looking away from the younger woman, she sighed again. "Think about it, Kagome. You've had weeks to deal with this, and that is nowhere near enough - a lifetime is never enough for an attack of this kind. How is Inuyasha supposed to survive having this shoved into his mind all in one instant?"

Kagome's horrified face was answer enough. She would agree to sharing her memories.

It was time.

Inuyasha stood, hands clenching helplessly as he waited for Kikyou to lead the way. Sliding a glance over, he tried to figure out Kagome's state of mind. She'd been totally silent since coming back from talking to Kikyou earlier, not looking at anyone, it almost appeared as though she was in another world entirely.

Keh. She probably is, gods know I wish I was. Fear rose up, almost choking him with it's intensity. I don't want to do this, but I deserve it. I deserve to face this pain, in fact, if there were any justice in this world, Kagome wouldn't be the one dealing with this - I would. It's only fair that I suffer, too, since this is my fault.

Following behind the older Miko, he grabbed Kagome's hand, holding to it tightly, as if he could chase the fear away with merely the feel of her hand in his. He sucked in a breath at her startled squeak, but when he looked at her, she only squeezed his fingers tightly between her own.

He realized in that moment that she needed his comfort as much as he needed hers.

Kagome was startled out of her thoughts when Inuyasha grabbed her hand. It was done with an air of desperation, and she knew desperation wasn't something he let himself feel much of. Looking over at him, she was amazed that he was even functioning - you could see how tense he was, he looked as though the slightest noise would shatter him.

Well, and why is that surprising, Kagome, you stupid bitch? Once again, you've only been thinking about yourself. What man in their right mind wants to watch someone get attacked like that? Of course he looks upset!

In that moment, she hated herself more than anything else in the world... it was because of her that he looked like that. It was all her fault. If she'd only been stronger, able to defend herself, this wouldn't have happened. After all, even in her era rape happened, it was actually common, as horrible as that reality was, and none of those victims had had someone to protect them.

So, bottom line was, why should she always stand around waiting for him to protect her?

Guilt flooded her system when she thought of all the people that had been or would, in the future, be raped. And of the ones who would almost be. For there were also many who had almost been... and yet had managed to defend themselves.

If she hadn't been so weak, then maybe she could have saved herself, and also saved Inuyasha, from having to go through what he was about to.

I've been so selfish, always just expecting him to save me, and because of that, I haven't learned to defend myself. It's about time I took responsibility for my own safety... how can I blame Inuyasha for what happened, just because he went looking for Kikyou? He isn't my keeper, only I am responsible, what happened is my fault, not his.

I have to learn to stand on my own two feet.

She was jerked out of her thoughts by Kikyou's voice. Looking up, she watched the older woman gesture to the area in front of the log that they had sat on earlier, and followed when Inuyasha tugged her over and sat down. She resisted for a moment when he tried to pull her into his lap, but relented at the pleading look in his eyes.

Oh, Inuyasha. Don't look at me like that, please, I can't stand it!

She closed her eyes as he settled her comfortably in his lap, letting him arrange her so that she was literally surrounded by him.

Once he had her arranged the way he wanted, he bent his head and breathed in her scent, mentally bracing himself for what was to come, trying to draw as much of her essence into himself, knowing that it was the only thing left that had any chance of keeping him even somewhat calm.

This would never work if she weren't here in my arms - I'd go full youkai, and kill everyone in my path trying to destroy the memories. Kagome....

He sighed then, looking up at Kikyou, eyes narrowed.

"Do it."