InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Malice ❯ Aftermath: Determination ( Chapter 17 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 17: Aftermath: Determination

Tears fell, soundlessly making their way down his face - a face that had rarely seen tears. He had suffered greatly through years of horror and pain, but never had he experienced the level of soul-destroying hurt that he now faced.

His youkai, knowing the harm that had been done to her whom he deemed as his, wept.

In that moment, as the tears tracked down his face, the priestess sitting in front of him finally, at long last, began to truly understand the wrong that she had committed against this man. Because, for all his mixed blood, that was what he was: a man, nothing more and nothing less.

A man that was currently grieving for someone he loved.

It was ironic, really, how Kagome continued to serve the kami, even in her suffering, because it was thanks to everything that had happened that she was now seeing just how horribly wrong she had been, about everything. All the years of training, the teachings that told of youkai as evil, as incapable of love or purity - they were all wrong, and sitting in front of her, still weeping silently, was the proof.

Kagome felt wetness on her face and, frowning, wondered when it had started to rain. Opening her eyes slowly, she winced as the bright sunlight hit her, almost giving her a headache.

Sunlight...?

Looking up, she forced her eyes to focus, and immediately stiffened, shocked and pained. Inuyasha was full youkai, as evidenced by the crests, and he was crying.

She put a hand up, hesitantly, towards his face. "I-Inuyasha? Are you o-okay?"

The moment he heard her voice, his eyes snapped open, the redness of them supporting her realization of his blood's status. But instead of hatred and bloodlust, all she saw in his eyes was suffering.

"You came back." His speech patterns began to change as his youkai began to recede. "Please, please, never leave. I - I don't deserve you, but please, stay with me?"

The pleading expression on his face was one Kagome would never forget, and in light of the hurt she could see coming from him in waves, she totally forgot her own pain, and her feelings of being too tainted, too unworthy of him, simply receded into the back of her mind in her need to soothe him.

"It's okay, Inuyasha, I'm not leaving, and I don't hate you. I could never hate you...." She trailed off, momentarily saddened that he thought she was even capable of hating him, and then went on with renewed determination, placing her open palm against his cheek and running her thumb along his crest, she spoke again, straight from her heart, into his.

"Never forget this, Inuyasha. No matter what, even if you had attacked and killed me with your own hands, I could not hate you. I would be more capable of cold-bloodedly killing someone than I am of hating you." She stared into his eyes, seeing the pained hope in them, and smiled shakily at him.

He closed his eyes, nuzzling into her hand affectionately, the tears finally slowing, random thoughts floating through his mind as the sunlight warmed his cold flesh.

His thoughts were fragmented, the trauma of the things he'd seen would literally take years for him to overcome, but for now he did the best he could. He needed to pull his mind together - for her sake, and by all the gods, he would do it.

He'd sworn a vow; to Kagome and to Kaede and the others, to be there for her, and he was never going to fail her again. With those thoughts, his youkai finally relinquished its hold, knowing that its hanyou form would not allow her any more harm.

Since she had woken, she'd only been concerned with him, but now that he was calming down, he knew that everything was about to hit her.

It was time to deal with the aftermath.

Inuyasha wearily raised his head and looked over at Kikyou.

"Would you let everyone know that we're okay and bring Kagome's bag to us? We need to be alone for a while." His voice was soft, tired and sad. "I don't know when we'll be back, but no later than sometime tomorrow for sure." He looked down at Kagome and tightened his hold on her, pulling her closer to his chest.

Kikyou nodded and walked back towards the camp, reflecting on everything that had happened. She shook her head and sighed wearily.

Glancing upwards, she noted the position of the sun, surprise hitting her expression when she realized that it was late afternoon already. She hadn't realized so much time had passed, considering the fact that they had started the memory bond at mid-morning.

Sango and Miroku stood as she approached, their eyes confused and dazed with questions. She smiled at them faintly and nodded in what she hoped was a reassuring gesture. "They are okay – at least for now. Inuyasha feels that they need to be alone for a while, so he wanted me to get her bag. He said they'll be back sometime tomorrow."

Sango walked over and picked up Kagome's bag, bringing it to Kikyou and handing it over before asking, "Do you think it's safe for them to go off alone right now? With everything that's happened-" here Miroku nodded, obviously knowing where she was going with this, "-they are both very vulnerable at this point, and Inuyasha will probably be so focused on Kagome, and what's happened, that he may not have his usual level of - shall we say - awareness?"

Kikyou shook her head.

"No, actually, I think it’s the opposite. His awareness is heightened; he's absolutely determined that nothing on the face of the earth is going to get near Kagome again. I wouldn't worry about them."

The couple looked relieved, and Kikyou took the bag and walked back to where she'd left Inuyasha sitting. He hadn't moved, but was instead rubbing small circles on Kagome’s back.

For a moment, Kikyou stood and watched them. If she was to be honest, she had to admit she was a little envious of Kagome: not in the sense that she wanted Inuyasha back - because she didn't - it was merely that the younger woman had found that which she had been denied: love.

Strong, deep, and all-encompassing, this was love in its purest form, and that was what she envied.

Clearing her throat, she waited for the hanyou to acknowledge her.

He looked up. "She fell asleep. I think," he said quietly, careful not to disturb her, "that it took a lot out of her. I-" he broke off for a moment, taking a deep breath and trying to keep himself calm.

"I think that this was just as difficult for her as the original attack. I hate that." He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked out across the meadow. "Naraku has much to answer for, and I swear this: I will make him pay, one way or another." He glanced back up at Kikyou. "I’ll make him pay for your death, too."

Kikyou merely nodded, handing him the bag, she watched as he stood, shifting the straps over his shoulder. "I told the others. We will wait here for your return, Inuyasha. Be safe." She smiled at him and turned back towards the camp.

Kagome woke slowly, unsure of where she was. It didn't look like the place they'd made camp at last night. Sitting up, she groaned and put a hand up to her head, surprised by the lightheaded feeling that hit her, and flinching a bit when her eyes hit the brightness of the campfire.

Oh, she moaned in the confines of her mind, blinking slowly. That hurt. Where...? She jumped in surprise when Inuyasha's voice came at her from behind.

"Kagome?" His voice was quiet, gentle, and she turned to stare at him in surprise.

"Y-yes?"

"How are you feeling? Are you okay?" His ears were flattened against his skull and he was avoiding her gaze.

There was something in his voice that made her nervous - a tentativeness that was not usually a part of him, and she frowned, wondering what had caused it.

"I’m fine, Inuyasha. Why wouldn't I be?"

His eyes snapped to hers immediately, an air of suspicion entering their honeyed depths.

Is she serious..?

Suddenly, the events of the day flooded her memory and she drew in a harsh breath. "Never mind, I know why you're asking." She looked away, and sat up, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her chin on them.

Kagome flicked a quick glance over at him, taking in his concerned look, before turning away.

Shame, hot and maddening, flooded her senses. How will I ever be able to look at him again? He knows... he saw! She let out a faint moan, eyes falling closed while the blood drained from her face.

And then, in an instant, everything changed, because something inside of her, yet not of her, reached out and soothed the pain in her mind. It was like being wrapped in a comforting embrace - Inuyasha's embrace.

Eyes opening and locking on him in amazement, she saw that he was just as aware of what was happening as she was.

"Wha-what was that, Inuyasha?" She knew that the hurt was still there, still deeply entwined inside her soul, but it was like being held safely away from the worst of the effects of it, enabling her to see things a little more clearly than before.

Was this what Kikyou meant when she said I needed to see what she went through to be able to understand and help her?

"That was me reaching out to you through our bond, Kagome. I can help you heal by sometimes giving you a break from it, like I'm doing now; call it pain relief if you like." He smirked at her, although it was tinged with sadness, pain, and regret.

"After all, it's my fault you need it, isn't it? If I hadn't failed you-"

Kagome shook her head fiercely. "No, Inuyasha. I realized something earlier, you know: when you were seeing-" she broke off for a moment, then went on, "-well, all of that... rape is a very common type of attack, you know, even in my time. And none of those victims had anyone to save them."

She put up a hand to halt him when he tried to interrupt.

"Let me finish, Inuyasha. Most of the people who've been attacked that way had no help, no one to save them, and the reason those that managed to get away did was because they were strong enough to save themselves! I shouldn't always be relying on you to save me all the time, don't you understand?"

She thrust her arms out towards him, emotion breaking over her like a wave. "No one can save someone else all the time. I have to be responsible for my own life and safety at least sometimes! If I can't be, then I will only ever be a victim, and that isn't what I want!"

Inuyasha just stared at her, not wanting to let go enough to let her fight some of her own battles, dammit, he wanted to always protect her! Why couldn't she understand that? But as he looked at her, at the passion gathering on her face, her absolute belief that she was right about this, his shoulders slumped. How could he make her see?

He needed to protect her. It was a need, not a want. How could he let go of that, let her go and be in danger?

Suddenly, Kagome scooted closer to him, tilting her head to the side, trying to catch his eye. When he looked at her, she spoke. "I guess it comes down to a matter of trust, Inuyasha. You have to learn to trust me to take care of myself."

That pissed him off like nothing else could have done. "What the fuck do you mean, ‘a matter of trust’?! I don't trust anybody else to take care of you except me, and now I barely even trust myself!" A hurt look crossed her face, and he jumped to his feet and began pacing in front of her.

"Gods, Kagome, you want trust? I trust you with my life!" He looked down at her, fiercely determined to somehow make her understand. "Answer me this question: whose life is most important to you, yours or mine?"

Kagome frowned. "Yours, duh. I'd give my own in a heartbeat to save you; you should know that by now."

"Exactly! That's why I can’t trust you to take care of yourself! I have to do it! To me, your life is more important, so I know that I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe where you won't. It's as simple as that!"

Kagome stared at him, completely caught off-guard.

Why did I never realize that before? He's right. I guess when it comes down to it, that's why we take care of each other.

She nodded, looking thoughtful. "I understand your point, Inuyasha. But you also have to understand: I need to fight for myself this time as well. Or else I really will stay a victim. Do you want me to stay the way I am now, for the rest of my life?"

It was his turn to stare at her for a moment. Well hell, that was an easy question to answer. Of course he didn't want her to stay this way, he wanted his Kagome back, the beautiful, brave, loving, caring woman that she'd always been. The one that had always depended on him to take care of her.

He narrowed his eyes on her. Does she realize what she's saying? What she's tacitly agreeing to do? Gods, I hope so...

"Kagome?"

"What?"

"You know that you’re agreeing to fight this thing, don't you? You're saying that you aren't going to give up, right?"

Kagome looked startled by the question. Her brows drew together, and she looked away, obviously uneasy.

Am I really agreeing to that? Can I fight this and win?

She looked deeply inside herself, wondering where this sudden determination had come from. After being forced into showing Inuyasha what had happened to her, she had felt violated all over again, and almost ready to give up and just let go of everything. But somehow, between now and then, something had changed inside her.

What changed? I still feel ashamed and dirty, but I... want to fight. I don't want to let Naraku win, and I don't want-

Realization flooded her.

I don't want to let Inuyasha down, because, no matter what, I still love him, and I can't bear to disappoint him, to leave him alone! I still... still want to stay with him!

Inuyasha watched the expressions chase each other across her face, hoping beyond hope that her warrior's heart had finally been re-awakened. She was a warrior – she had always been fierce in battle, always protecting those she cared for with all her heart and soul.

Please, Kagome, wake and come back to me, leave behind the nightmares and wake to the love that I have for you!

She finally looked up, focusing in on him again. She nodded firmly, an expression of determination on her face.

"Yeah, I’ll fight, Inuyasha. For you, I'll fight." Her eyes narrowed. "And I'll win."

Inuyasha leapt up, grabbing her and pulling her to her feet in one smooth, quick motion, holding her to him with every bit of strength he had. Gratitude poured out of his soul, prayers to the gods whispering into her hair as he buried his face in her neck.

Joy pierced him as he felt her tentatively hug him back, and made the burden of what he'd seen that day a tiny bit easier to bear.

He knew full well that it wasn't over, not by a long-shot, and that most of her progress was because of what he had done with their link, but he would keep doing it, keep using the link to drain off the worst of the pain every time she needed it ‘til it finally healed, no matter what it did to him.

Call it reparation, or call it love. Either one would be nothing but the truth, after all.

You bitch!

I have had enough of your interference, Kikyou! All that I had planned, watching Inuyasha suffer as I forced those memories into his mind... and you had to go and get in my way! I will make you pay for this, mark my words! You have drawn my wrath for the last time!

As for those you think you have saved from my hand? Think again - now I will make sure it is a thousand times worse on them than it would have been! Perhaps I will make some new memories for Inuyasha to enjoy as I take my beloved's body again and again while he is forced to watch, helplessly, unable to save her.

And perhaps I will take you, as well. That thought does little for me, I will find no real physical gratification in your cold body, but maybe it will be all that I need to finish the destruction of that half-breed's mind.

How do you think he will feel, Kikyou, watching as his past and his future are destroyed by me?

Yes, make no mistake, bitch... I will destroy you all, and I will enjoy every moment of it!

Understand this: the harder you fight me, the worse it will be for you!