InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects ❯ Breaking Point ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer:  I don’t own Inuyasha.  I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.  


Breaking Point


“Oof!  Damn it all!” Kagome swore as she stumbled over an uneven rut in the road.  

Her friends glanced at her, but no one commented on her uncharacteristic display of profanity.  They all understood her frustration; every one of them felt it themselves.  

It had been five days since Inuyasha’s confrontation with Kouga, five days which seemed at least two or three times as many.  The inu-youkai’s behavior had much to do with that.  Inuyasha had become, in essence, the worst kind of petulant teenager.  He had always been immature to some extent, a consequence of growing up with a glaring lack of positive adult role models after his mother’s death.  He had been just a boy in a man’s body back when they first met.  Lately she increasingly felt that his emotional maturity was finally catching up to the rest of him.  Before he became a full-youkai, that is.  Now, he was worse than ever.  They literally couldn’t say anything without him taking it as a criticism and turning it around on them.  So eventually his friends stopped trying, which he probably also took as a sign of contempt.  They really couldn’t win.  

Two other factors also contributed to his appallingly bad mood.  Losing to Kouga obviously rankled deeply, but Kagome believed that he also held a grudge against them, and especially her in particular, for not coming more assuredly to his defense.  None of them had denied Kouga’s assertion that Inuyasha’s transformation had changed him for the worse, which he no doubt viewed as a bitter betrayal.  His beloved Tetsusaiga had also stopped working for him since that day, remaining in its dormant state no matter how many times he tried to transform it.  A more mature individual might consider these two ‘betrayals’ carefully and at least contemplate looking inwardly for the true source of the problem, but Inuyasha was clearly in no state of mind to do any such thing.  

Really, the only thing which made him happy these days was the destruction of the rosary.  Half the time Kagome talked to him, she could see the sense of amused triumph in his eyes as he silently gloated at her.  As though she had taken some sort of sadistic pleasure in subduing him, and the fact that she could no longer do it was supposed to irritate her to no end.  It had initially surprised her to find the exact opposite to be true.  Part of her was relieved to no longer hold such power over him.  The rest of her was concerned, but only because it would make it much harder to get her way on certain issues.  Her freedom was definitely in jeopardy.  And while she would never meekly allow Inuyasha to dictate what she did with her life, it had been reassuring to know that she had a way to prevent him from physically restricting her freedom.  Now her trump card was gone, and the much stronger inu-youkai held the advantage.  Perhaps this wouldn’t have been such an issue if he was still a hanyou; he would have bitched and moaned about her going home, but they would have compromised in the end.  In his current volatile mental state, however, she honestly wasn’t sure what his response would be.  He might outright refuse to let her leave, and also refuse to budge a centimeter from that position.  

It was sure to be an unpleasant confrontation, but one which they needed to have, and soon.  She had an important test coming up in a little over a week, and they needed to start to head back within the next couple days if she was going to make it in time.  Tonight…I’ll bring it up tonight.  

Later that evening, Kagome gathered her resolve as she ate, hoping a full belly would make Inuyasha more amiable.  But before any of them had finished their meal, a ghostly serpent glided through the air above them, effectively throwing all of Kagome’s plans into the fire.  She stifled a sigh and tried to affect a neutral expression, prepared to let him leave before she allowed her emotions to show.  She had vowed long ago not to step between Inuyasha and Kikyou, and his transformation didn’t change that.  She did wonder if it would change Kikyou’s opinion of him, but that was their problem, not hers.  

The next several minutes passed by at a snail’s pace, as all eyes turned to Inuyasha.  To their surprise, he made no move to depart, and continued to devour his food as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.  When he was finished, he settled against a nearby tree and closed his eyes, tucking his hands into his sleeves, the picture of quiet contentment.  All the while the shinidamachu continued to circle overhead, casting their eerie glow across the campsite.  Finally Kagome could take the suspense no more.  

“Inuyasha?”

“Yeah?”

“You know…that Kikyou is calling you, right?”

“So?”

“So?” she repeated, utterly flabbergasted.  I can’t believe I’m going to say this.  “Aren’t you going to see her?”  

At this he finally opened his eyes to glare at her.  “Yeah, and probably get the cold shoulder when I come back, right?”  When no one denied it, he scoffed.  “That’s what I thought.  No thanks.  If Kikyou wants to see me, she can come here.  It’s not like we do anything that we need privacy for,” he snarled bitterly, “contrary to what you people like to think.”  

Kagome gritted her teeth at the insinuation.  There’s that ‘you people’ again.  He’s talking like he’s never given us any reason to be suspicious of him or Kikyou.  Which was of course completely ridiculous.  This self-righteous, ‘me against the world’ attitude of his was getting old fast.  If it ever truly is ‘Inuyasha against the world,’ it will only be because he’s alienated everyone who cares about him.  She could reflect gloomily on how he was increasing making that prediction a reality, but she had bigger concerns at the moment.  She usually dreaded their encounters with Kikyou because she knew what would happen: Inuyasha would leave, she would get angry, and they wouldn’t be on speaking terms for a day or two.  Rinse and repeat.  Here, however, she had no idea what would come of Inuyasha’s refusal to go to Kikyou, or the dead miko’s eventual appearance here in camp.  A cold knot of fear settled in Kagome’s gut.  Whatever was about to happen, she was fairly certain it would not be good.  

Kikyou seemed visibly annoyed when she finally strode into camp some time later, which was really saying something for the normally stoic miko, even if the emotional display was subtle at best.  She waited a few moments for Inuyasha to acknowledge her presence, but the inu-youkai only ignored her.  

“Inuyasha,” she ground out, “what is the meaning of—”

They knew why she cut herself off, why her eyes widened in shock.  Kagome felt her reiki in the air around them, probing, confirming what her eyes had already determined.  When she spoke, her voice seemed subdued, but her eyes glowed with cold fire.  

“When did this happen?”  

“About twelve days ago,” Inuyasha replied quietly, gazing into the campfire’s dancing flames.  

“I see,” Kikyou stated through clenched teeth.  “Is that the reason why you did not heed my summons?” she asked, shooting Kagome a withering glare.  “Surely it would have been better to discuss this in private.”  

“Don’t blame Kagome, Kikyou,” Inuyasha told her firmly, surprising the younger miko.  “She actually told me to go see you.  And there’s nothing to discuss,” he declared, his bright, piercing eyes at last meeting Kikyou’s gaze.  “I’ve finally become a full-fledged youkai.  I’m never going back.”  

“I see,” Kikyou said again, her tone carrying decidedly more bite this time.  “And here I was under the impression that you had given up such childish desires long ago.”  

“Well, you were wrong,” Inuyasha snapped, rising to his feet in response to the challenge.  “And it’s not childish to seek to better yourself.”  

“Better?  When I look at you, I see a changed man.  Not a better one.”  

“Then you must be going blind.”  Inu-youkai and miko stared at each other for a few seconds, neither backing down.  “Keh, this is stupid,” Inuyasha finally declared, breaking the tension.  “Why did you seek me out?”  

Kikyou seemed taken aback by his bluntness.  “I came here to inquire as to your well-being and to ask if you had any leads on finding Naraku.”  

“Well, as you can see I’m just fine, and we don’t know shit about where that bastard Naraku is hiding.  Sorry to disappoint you, on both fronts apparently.”  

“Inuyasha!  You have never spoken to me this way.  I do not care for it.”  

“Keh,” he muttered, sounding somewhat contrite.  “This is who I am, Kikyou.  I’m not the same insecure hanyou I once was.  You and everyone else will just have to get used to it.”  

Kikyou stared at him for several long moments, then glanced around the campsite, meeting everyone’s eyes in turn.  Then she turned back to Inuyasha, cracking a smile which held no amusement whatsoever.  

“So this is how it’s going to be.  Inuyasha becomes a new man, and forsakes all of his promises and the people he previously cared for.”  

“I haven’t forsaken anyone,” the inu-youkai retorted.  “And what ‘promise’ did I break?”  

“At one time you were prepared to journey with me to the afterlife.”  

“That’s true, at one time I was.  But I never promised you I would.”  After he spoke these words, his tone lowered, and he continued almost gently.  “I didn’t betray you, Kikyou.  I’m sorry for what happened fifty years ago, but I don’t owe you my life.”  

“Hmph, and what of your promise of protection?”  

“I did make that vow, and I intend to keep it.  I’ll slay Naraku and protect you if I can, Kikyou.  But that’s all there is between us.  I’m sorry.”  

Kikyou met his gaze in silence for a long time, finally glancing away with a sad smile.  

“I am sorry too, then.  I had hoped that you would remember our past more fondly.  Did we not love, Inuyasha?”  

“We did,” he answered sadly.  “But you loved me for my human half, Kikyou.  That part of me is gone now, and it’s never coming back.  It’s been nothing but trouble for me since the day I was born.  Youkai have tried to kill me countless times because of it.  My own half-brother left me to die in the wilderness as a kid, all because my human blood made me ‘unworthy’ of his protection.  And later, just when I thought I’d finally found happiness, I wound up broken-hearted and sealed to a tree for fifty years because of it.  I’m sick of humanity.  Now I’ve become a full-fledged youkai, and I’m still myself.  It’s the best of both worlds.  I hope you can accept my decision.”  

No one doubted the sincerity of Inuyasha’s words, but his tone held a noticeable edge.  If Kikyou—or anyone else for that matter—refused to accept his decision, it would not change his mind.  It would likely only ruin his relationship with that person, a fact which Kikyou seemed to understand well.  She turned to depart, but paused, speaking softly but loud enough for everyone to hear.  

“I suppose I can understand why becoming a full-fledged youkai appealed to you.  I merely hope that you truly remain the Inuyasha I once knew.  I would advise you to let those who travel with you each day be the judges of that.”  

Kikyou locked eyes with Kagome for a moment, her exact message unclear to the younger miko.  Was that jealousy in her ardent gaze, or pity, or a silent entreaty to care for Inuyasha as she could not?  Perhaps it was a combination of all three.  In any case, Kikyou soon turned away, striding into the forest from whence she came with her head held high, her shinidamachu trailing along behind her.  

Inuyasha stared after her until the glow of her serpentine servants faded from sight, then settled in his previous position against the tree.  He closed his eyes and shoved his hands into his sleeves once more, a clear signal that he didn’t want to talk to anyone.  Kagome slowly released the breath she’d been holding.  That encounter had not been nearly as disastrous as she anticipated.  Only because Kikyou backed down.  If the dead miko had refused to accept Inuyasha’s new form, and had insisted that he find a way to change back into a hanyou—or worse yet, a human—then Kagome was sure the fireworks would still be going on.  Instead Kikyou had essentially given up, and not just concerning his status as a full-youkai.  

‘I’m sorry for what happened fifty years ago, but I don’t owe you my life.’

‘I’ll slay Naraku and protect you if I can, Kikyou.  But that’s all there is between us.’

Those words should have caused her heart to soar, but she took no joy in them.  She would like to believe that it was because she was a good person, and did not enjoy the suffering of others, even those who had wronged her in the past.  While that was surely part of it, she knew the real reason her heart still remained heavy within her chest.  Inuyasha had finally told Kikyou that the two of them had no future together.  Once, that would have indicated to Kagome that the hanyou returned her feelings, and had chosen to be with her.  It no longer held such a meaning.  If the inu-youkai had drifted away from Kikyou, then he had also drifted away from her reincarnation.  Kagome simply had no idea what his intentions for their relationship were, if he even had any.  Worse yet, her own feelings were equally murky.  Was the Inuyasha sitting before her still the man she had fallen in love with?  Could she still love him as he was now?  

If Kikyou did pity her, that crippling uncertainty was probably the reason.  For all of her faults, the older miko had certainly experienced more than her fair share of heartache.  Kikyou, I think you wanted me to take care of Inuyasha, but…I’m not sure I can.  

The encounter with Kikyou brought about a positive change in Inuyasha’s behavior.  He stopped being so confrontational and was generally more pleasant to be around, despite his spirits being somewhat subdued.  In consideration for his lingering melancholy, Kagome decided to put off the discussion about her going home for another night.  That was a mistake.  The following morning revealed his cooler disposition to be a one-day phenomenon; he was back to ‘petulant teenager’ mode from the moment he rudely woke everyone before dawn declaring that they had a lot of ground to cover today.  Even though they still had no leads on finding Naraku, and no particular destination in mind.  Needless to say, by that evening, Kagome’s own mood was more than a little sour.  After dinner, she would tell Inuyasha she needed to go home.  And she would not be asking for his permission either.  She was officially done tiptoeing around him and his moods.  

If Inuyasha sensed that something was up, he didn’t mention it.  They camped near a stream so he could catch some fish for dinner.  He nabbed eight in total, one for each of the six members of the group plus two extra.  It was obvious to everyone that those extra fish were his.  Everyone except the young fox, that is, who eyed the last fish hungrily and was not pleased when the inu-youkai grabbed it.  

“Hey, that’s mine!”  

“Keh.  Why the hell would I catch you two fish?”  

“It’s not fair!  You already had two and I’m still hungry.”  

“So?  Go catch another one yourself then.”

At this Shippou leapt at Inuyasha, obviously seeking to take a massive bite out of the disputed fish.  But the inu-youkai twisted his hand at the last instant, and all the kit managed to clamp down on was his opponent’s wrist.  Now, the penetration of Shippou’s teeth must have felt like a few mosquito bites to Inuyasha.  But instead of casually swatting the kit away as everyone expected, he formed a fist with his free hand and smashed it down knuckles-first on the top of Shippou’s skull.  Hard.  The kit went limp, falling into Inuyasha’s lap, where we was promptly picked up by the tail and unceremoniously deposited in his previous spot by the campfire.  

Kagome drew in a rapid breath as a surge of blood rushed through her, sending tingles to all of her extremities.  Shippou curled in on himself, holding his hands to his head with his eyes screwed tightly shut.  And when she heard the soft sounds of his sobs, and saw the tears streaming down his cheeks, Kagome saw red.  

She was on her feet before she knew what was happening, storming around the campfire like a raging hurricane.  Inuyasha watched her in stunned silence as she stomped up to him, smacking the fish out of his hand so hard that it flew through the air, landing in the bushes several meters away.  Then she balled her hands into fists at her sides, her teeth grinding together audibly as her fury-addled brain struggled for words.  

“You…you…you big jerk!”  

She grimaced inwardly at the lame insult, wishing for Inuyasha’s more colorful vocabulary.  But the inu-youkai was not amused, not one bit.  He rose to his feet, towering over her, but she glared right back at him, not ceding even a millimeter.  

“What the hell is your problem, bitch?”  

“My problem?  My problem?!  Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that you just hit Shippou-chan really hard for no reason!”  

“Keh.  He shouldn’t have tried to take my fish.”  

“You…you immature ass!” Kagome roared, practically shaking with rage.  “That’s no reason to punch a child!”  

“You baby him too much, wench.  You ain’t his mother.”

“Maybe not, but I am his friend, which is more than I can say about you!”  

“Oh, that’s rich!” Inuyasha declared, throwing his hands up in frustration.  “I provide food and protection for the little runt, yet somehow I’m not worthy of being considered his friend?”

“Inuyasha,” Kagome replied, gritting her teeth in an effort to retain some semblance of calm as she explained what should have been obvious.  “Just because you take care of someone doesn’t give you the right to abuse them.  Or are you going to hit me too the next time I say or do something you don’t like?”  

“I’d never hit you, and you damn well know it.”  

“Oh, really?  I’m don’t think I do!”  

Kagome gasped, realizing the frightening truth of that statement even as she uttered the words.  She had always known, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Inuyasha would never hurt her physically.  Was that really not true anymore?  Oh, Kami…  

Inuyasha seemed to realize the significance of her declaration as well.  He stared at her, his jaw flapping, temporarily at a loss for words.  His eyes were guarded, his soul walled away from her, but there was just a hint of pleading in his gaze.  It was this which Kagome tried to reach.  

“You keep telling everyone that you’re ‘still Inuyasha.’  I want to believe that, but…I can’t.  Inuyasha, you’re not the same as you were.  You’ve changed, and not for the better.  Please, stop driving us away.  We’re your friends, and we care about you.”  

For a moment she thought she had gotten through to him.  Then his eyes hardened, and his lips twisted into a sneer.  

“I get it.  So this is your version of ‘friendship.’  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.  Friends don’t collar each other like dogs and punish them whenever the hell they feel like it.  Friends believe each other when one of them swears the others’ suspicions aren’t true.  And friends don’t fear each other when one of them changes!”  

“We don’t fear the full-youkai you’ve become,” Kagome answered firmly.  “We fear the person it’s made you into.”  

“Save it.  I don’t need ‘friends’ like you.  Go home.  I’ll kill Naraku and destroy the jewel myself.”  

With that, he turned and stalked off into the night.  Sudden panic overtook Kagome as she watched him walk away, causing her knees to buckle.  His words held a terrifying note of finality, as though he never intended to see any of them ever again.  

“Inuyasha, wait!”  

She wasn’t sure if he was going to stop.  Her heart started beating again when he did, right at the edge of the clearing, so the campfire’s glow cast him in almost sinister shadow.  He did not turn around to face her, nor did he speak.  

“I…” she hedged, struggling to find her voice.   “Don’t leave, Inuyasha,” she pleaded, hating herself for sounding so desperate.  “We all care about you.  Let us help you.”  

“Keh.  By helping me change back into a hanyou, right?  Forget it.  I don’t need that kind of help.”  

“But I…”

When she didn’t continue for several moments, Inuyasha turned around to demand what the hell she wanted now.  His words died on his tongue.  Kagome’s head was down, her eyes hidden by her bangs.  She bit her lower lip, nearly hard enough to draw blood, as her hands twisted nervously in front of her.  Finally she looked up, just enough to peer at him through her lashes.  

“I…I fell in love with you as a hanyou.”  

Those words were spoken so softly that only someone with enhanced hearing would be able to decipher them.  Kagome watched as Inuyasha’s face shifted through a myriad of different expressions, some of which gave her hope, while others crushed it.  Finally he settled on a frightening neutrality, an utter indifference which chilled her blood.  

“This isn’t a fairy tale, Kagome.  There are no happy endings, no star-crossed lovers magically winding up together in the end.  This is real life, and real life sucks.  Go home, little girl.  Go home where you belong.”  

Kagome watched the man she loved walk out of her life, her heart shattering within her chest.  It was a miracle she didn’t break down on the spot; perhaps she was still in shock.  Once that wore off, the tears would come.  She suddenly felt the irrepressible urge to get out of here before that happened.  Home called out to her, the one place where love had always been unconditional.  

“Kirara, will you take me home please?” she asked, her voice startlingly devoid of emotion.  

“Kagome-chan,” Sango breathed, moving toward her.  Kagome stepped away, knowing that if she fell into the taijiya’s embrace, her fragile composure would shatter completely.  

“I’m okay, Sango-chan,” she lied.  “I just…”

“You don’t need to explain, Kagome-sama,” Miroku interjected.  “Take all the time you need.”  When Sango nodded her agreement, Kagome nearly lost it at their show of support.  

“Thanks, guys,” she managed, wiping away the first of many tears destined to escape this evening.  

“You will come back, won’t you, Kagome?” Shippou asked in a tiny voice.  She knelt by his side and took his hands, somehow conjuring a small, but warm smile.  

“Of course, Shippou-chan.  I’d miss you too much if I stayed away for long.”  

In the next instant the traumatized kit was plastered to her chest, balling his eyes out.  

“I’m sorry, Kagome!  I’m so, so sorry!”  

His pitiful cries were enough to draw a few answering sobs from Kagome, though somehow she maintained control of herself.  

“It’s not your fault, Shippou-chan.  This was bound to happen.  There was nothing any of us could have done to prevent it.  Do you understand?” she asked, needing to make sure he forgave himself.  He nodded against her chest, some of the tension leaving his tiny body.  It would likely be some time before he stopped blaming himself, but with the support of his friends he would get through it.  She shared a meaningful look with Miroku and Sango, and knew she could count on them to take care of him.  Moments later, the taijiya took Shippou from her, blinking back a few tears of her own.  Even Miroku’s eyes appeared moist.  It was not a final goodbye, but everyone sensed that things would never be the same.  Yes, she would return to the Sengoku Jidai to visit them, but anything beyond that, such as completing the mission without their best and fiercest fighter…she just didn’t know.  

Kirara nuzzled the distraught fox kit from her place on Sango’s shoulder, then leapt down and transformed in a blaze of fire.  She waited until Kagome was securely settled on her back, then took to the skies, heading for the bone eater’s well.  Kagome lasted only a few seconds before burying her face in the fire-cat’s fur and weeping bitterly.