InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects ❯ Divided ( Chapter 5 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: King Baka 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 04.19.2017 | Pages: 10 | Words: 7.3K | Visits: 949 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 04.19.2017 | Pages: 10 | Words: 7.3K | Visits: 949 | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha. I will make no
money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment
of my readers.
Divided
“Stupid Kagome,” Inuyasha growled as he stomped through the trees, the comforting glow of the campfire fading behind him. “What the hell does she know?”
‘Inuyasha, you’re not the same as you were. You’ve changed, and not for the better.’
“Bullshit,” he snapped. “I’m still the same. I just stopped taking crap from everyone, that’s all.”
Kouga had found that out. And I’ll finish off the dumb bastard the next time I see him. The next time he saw Sesshoumaru, he would teach the arrogant prick the error of his ways as well. And as for Naraku…what he was going to do to the evil hanyou was unspeakable. Thinking of the future should have been enough to make him forget about the ignorant things Kagome said. But to his dismay, her voice continued to echo inside his skull.
‘You keep telling everyone that you’re ‘still Inuyasha.’ I want to believe that, but…I can’t.’
“Keh. Believe it, bitch. Or don’t. I don’t care either way.”
‘Please, stop driving us away. We’re your friends, and we care about you.’
“I didn’t drive them away. They drove me away!”
As if to emphasize his point, Inuyasha set off at a run, putting even more distance between himself and the friends he’d left behind. Former friends, he reflected bitterly. They stopped being my friends the moment they couldn’t accept me becoming a full-fledged youkai.
‘We don’t fear the full-youkai you’ve become. We fear the person it’s made you into.’
He growled in annoyance and quickened his pace. Perhaps he was trying to outrun Kagome’s voice, or perhaps he was just working off his frustration. Either way, it didn’t work. Her words continued to plague him, a sickness he simply couldn’t shake. They circled inside his head like vultures, never granting him a moment’s peace. Dammit! What the fuck? I shouldn’t have to deal with these weak human emotions anymore. Leave me alone! Or I’ll—
‘Or are you going to hit me too the next time I say or do something you don’t like?’
Inuyasha gradually slowed to a stop, the voices in his head quieting at last. But it was not a peaceful silence. He frowned, that particular thread of memory bothering him more than any of the others.
“That’s stupid,” he growled. “I would never hurt her. She’s an idiot for thinking I would. Dumb girl. Stupid, stupid girl.”
The only thing more alarming than the audible uncertainty in his voice was the lump of guilt forming in his gut. He scoffed. What did he have to feel guilty for? He told Kagome he wouldn’t hurt her, and he hadn’t hurt her. His hands were clean, and his conscience should be too. He raised said hands and opened them, taking in the elongated claws and rough contours. They seemed more vicious than he remembered, as he studied them in the moonlight, dappled by the forest canopy overhead. So what if my hands have changed? Kagome is still stupid, and so are the others. I would never hurt any of them!
Although…that wasn’t entirely true, was it? He cringed as he recalled the force with which he had struck Shippou, and the kit’s reaction afterward. Why…why did I hit Shippou like that? He hadn’t even been mad at the runt, just annoyed. Yes, Shippou was being a pain in the ass, and the little shit had bitten his hand, but his response had not exactly been proportional to the offense. I’ve never hit Shippou that hard, he realized, his eyes losing focus for a moment. I could have really hurt him. Why…why did I…
He swayed on his feet for a moment, putting a hand to his temple and blinking a few times in rapid succession. The sudden dizziness subsided, but did not abate completely. He frowned, more than a little perplexed. He had felt so powerful for the last half month, so in control, so assured that he was now what he was always meant to be. He had finally realized his destiny, his goal ever since he’d first experienced the true cruelty of humans as an abandoned child. In short, he’d felt invincible. Even the debacle against Kouga he could dismiss as an outlier, a result of his inexperience in this form. He would do much better next time. So although the dizzy spell was somewhat disconcerting, he was prepared to brush it off as a one-time occurrence, and literally work off whatever ailed him. It would be nice to really unfurl his wings after traveling with a bunch of slow-ass humans for the last half month.
But before he could start running, an unexpected and powerful scent froze his feet to the ground and had him spinning in all directions searching for the source. His chest tightened painfully, the same reaction he always experienced whenever he detected this particular aroma, especially when he was the cause. But no matter where he looked, or in which direction he trained his sensitive ears, he could detect no sign of her.
“Kagome? Are you there, wench?!” he demanded irritably, as the scent of her tears continued to assault his nostrils. There was no response. What the hell is going on?! Now that he took a moment to decipher the olfactory information, he was smelling her tears, but he could not detect any sign of her physical presence. It was as though someone had dumped a jug of her tears at his feet. I must be losing my fucking mind…
“Enough of this shit!” he growled, launching himself into a dead sprint. He had no idea what was wrong with him, but he didn’t like it. Every nerve in his body screamed at him to run, to flee from her oppressive presence. Some additional distance between them would surely cure whatever plagued him. It had to.
A hulking oni lunged at him from behind a grove of trees, its grotesque arm reaching to grab him with bone-crushing force. Inuyasha sidestepped and lashed out, his claws striking…nothing. He stared at the empty space where the oni had been mere moments before, genuine fear coiling in his gut. But…it was just there! Where did it go? And yet, there was no lingering scent, no broken tree branches or trampled underbrush. Only the forest, dark and foreboding.
“Damn it!”
He took off again, faster this time, his legs pumping as though his very life depended on drawing upon every ounce of speed he possessed. More enemies leapt at him, always without warning, but he managed to dodge them. The forest itself seemed to close in around him; branches which he usually avoided effortlessly now scratching at his face, leaving thin marks which burned painfully as sweat from his brow dripped into them. The salty liquid stung his eyes as well, but he scarcely dared to blink. His breath came in ragged pants, all semblance of control now vanished as pure panic fueled his every move. His grip on reality slowly weakened, until he could almost feel it slipping from his grasp. Kami, what is happening to me?
He didn’t see the patch of swampy ground in time to avoid it, and it was far too late to slow his pace. His feet slipped out from underneath him, sending him sprawling face-first into the mud. His momentum caused him to skid along, further embedding himself in the soggy ground until finally he came to a stop. He mustered the will to pull his face from the suffocating sludge, but anything else was beyond him, both physically and mentally. He lay his cheek on the damp earth and closed his eyes. For a moment he thought he had finally found some measure of peace. But it was not to be. A choked cry escaped his throat as the scent of her tears invaded his nose once again. Then, like the ghostly articulations of a phantom, her voice drifted to him on the chilling breeze.
‘Don’t leave, Inuyasha. We all care about you. Let us help you.’
“Please, stop,” he begged, his throat swelling as moisture gathered behind his eyelids. To his surprise, Kagome’s voice did cease its damning recitations. What followed, however, was far worse.
‘This isn’t a fairy tale, Kagome. There are no happy endings, no star-crossed lovers magically winding up together in the end. This is real life, and real life sucks. Go home, little girl. Go home where you belong.’
Inuyasha’s entire body shuddered as he relived those words, his mouth filling with the sour taste of bile as he recalled their utterance. His jaw clenched painfully hard, as though by keeping his cursed maw closed now he could somehow go back in time and unsay what had already been said. Did I really…did I really say that to Kagome?
The answer broke him, the fragile levee holding back his despair bursting spectacularly. No matter how hard he squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t hold back his tears or stop the sobs which wracked him in waves of repressed misery. How did this happen? How had his life led him here, to this patch of swamp in some random forest in the middle of nowhere? How had his decisions culminated with him weeping in the mud, reduced to nothing more than a pitiful orphan longing for his mother’s embrace? But there was no one to comfort him, no one to tell him that he was loved, that everything would be all right. In those moments of soul-crushing sorrow, he felt that he truly understood Kagome’s pain.
Eventually his tears dried up, and his sobs wound down to the occasional sniffle. He had no idea how long he lay there, gazing at nothing, listening to nothing. Finally the sounds of the night worked their way into his consciousness. The chirping of crickets, the rustling of small creatures hunting for food, the hoot of an own in the distance. The normalcy of the forest was a small relief; at least the shadows were no longer trying to kill him. Or more accurately, his guilt-ridden imagination was no longer manifesting his self-loathing in such a way. That was not to say that his remorse was any less palpable, or that he felt it any less strongly. But at long last, he finally felt composed enough to pick himself off the ground.
The mud clung to him stubbornly, but with a heave of his exhausted muscles he lurched free of its icy embrace. He settled into a kneeling position and glanced around at his surroundings, finding nothing of interest. There was a small pond off to his right, which was no surprise given the marshy ground. He had never been here before, and would probably never return here again. That thought brought him back to how he had wound up here in the first place. He grimaced as he again recalled his terrible words, though he was able to maintain control of his emotions this time. Kagome’s right. I really have changed. I may be a full-fledged youkai now, but at the cost of becoming a heartless bastard. His head swam once more, causing him to lean forward with both hands clutching at his temples, his eyes squeezed shut.
Regaining consciousness was like waking from a deep sleep. He momentarily lost all sense of self, and had no idea where he was. Even when those memories returned, he could tell that something was different. When he opened his eyes, he found the world slightly less vivid than he remembered. The crickets were not as melodious, the panoply of scents not as rich. Even the cold from the mud covering his hands felt somehow muted. He wiped his right hand on his hakama and raised it to eye level, studying the contours which seemed less rugged than before. They were not the hands he remembered from before that fateful day a half month ago, but they were encouragingly close. For a few moments he dared to hope, as he stumbled toward the pond. He was disappointed to find that his ears remained on the sides of his head, and the smooth purple markings still adorned his cheeks. But his eyes seemed more familiar to him than they had in some time.
He gasped aloud as he comprehended the direction of his thoughts. What was I hoping for? That I had transformed back into a hanyou? Why…isn’t becoming a full-fledged youkai what I’ve always wanted?
“You’re damn right it is.”
He leapt to his feet at the sound of that voice, baring his fangs. The newcomer seemed familiar, but he was torn between regarding it as a friend or a threat.
“Who are you?” he snarled, frustrated that he couldn’t detect the other’s presence.
“Come now, surely you’re not that stupid.”
It took him a few moments, but finally he came up with the correct answer.
“You’re my youkai side.”
“Congratulations. You’re not a complete idiot.”
“Oi, it’s not like you could ever talk before! Usually you just try to kill everything in sight.”
“Heh. That’s all in the past. I’m a new youkai now.”
Inuyasha was less than convinced, and his other self seemed to know it.
“Look, I know I’ve been a bit of an…animal, in the past. But I’m in control now. We are in control.”
“Control?” he repeated incredulously. “Is that what you call what just happened? Me running for my life from nothing and crying in the mud is control to you?”
His youkai side growled in annoyance. “That was just what’s left of your humanity getting all emotional on me. Ignore him. Just think of how incredible you’ve felt since you became a full-fledged youkai. Haven’t you enjoyed it? Being better and stronger than ever, not having anyone look down on you for being a half-breed?”
He couldn’t deny that. It had been wonderful, beyond his wildest fantasies. That is, until he drove all of his friends away.
“You don’t need them. They just slow you down.”
Inuyasha frowned. On one level, what his youkai side said was entirely true. But he had come to see his friends as much more than just allies in battle. He fought for them, so they might one day achieve their dreams, and he would die for any one of them. Beyond all that, he recognized that they made him a better person.
“Correction: they make you more human. More weak.”
That was also true. But still his heart resisted, holding at bay the constant pressure exerted on his mind. He heard his other self sigh in exasperation.
“Look, I’m not saying we have to abandon them to their fate. By all means, let’s hunt down that bastard Naraku. He fucking deserves what’s coming to him. If he’s immortal, we’ll just keep butchering him until he finally decides not to come back. We’ll give the jewel to Kikyou and let her purify it. Then she can go back to the afterlife in peace. Miroku and Sango will be free to settle down and have that litter of kids they’ve been wanting, and Shippou can grow up in safety. You will have accomplished everything you meant to. Everything will be as it should be.”
Inuyasha couldn’t deny the appeal of that proposal. He would be a full-fledged youkai as he’d always desired, and all of the people he cared about would have the lives, or peaceful deaths, that they deserved. Almost everyone, he realized. He couldn’t help but notice the one person his youkai side had failed to mention.
“Kagome will go back to her own time where she belongs. She’ll be with her family, and will live a long and happy life. How is that not the best thing for her?”
Inuyasha found himself nodding subconsciously, succumbing to the truth of those words and the conviction in his other self’s voice. Hadn’t he always known that Kagome would return to her own world eventually? This way, she wouldn’t have to fight anymore. She wouldn’t have to survive the final battle with Naraku, or any of the other adventures which tended to place her in mortal peril on a regular basis. She could go back to being a normal schoolgirl, living with her family, having fun with her friends as she prepared for adult life in the modern era. Eventually she would meet someone, get married and have children of her own. This last thought sparked a pang of jealousy in his gut, but it did not shake his conviction that this was what was best for her. He had no right to be jealous, anyway. If Kagome went back to her own time, then he wouldn’t be able to break her heart anymore.
‘I…I fell in love with you as a hanyou.’
That solitary thread of memory drew Inuyasha’s mind to a screeching halt. For a few moments he simply stared straight ahead, as Kagome’s tiny, desperate voice echoed inside his skull, calling into question every belief, every assurance he’d previously contrived. His youkai side’s voice, raised in irritation, shattered his stupor.
“Kagome is a naïve little girl. In her time, she isn’t even an adult yet. She only thinks she loves you. When she grows up she’ll realize that it was just a childish affection.”
He pondered that, turning it over in his head. Could that really be true? Logically it made sense. Kagome was somewhat naïve, and she could be pretty immature at times. He was probably the first boy she’d ever had any romantic interest in at all. How the hell did she know what love was? What was ‘love’ to her was likely just a childish affection, a misinterpretation of one’s feelings brought about by inexperience and frequent stressful situations. In time she would realize this and move on. He firmed his jaw, nodding resolutely. He would send Kagome back to her own time. He would leave this strange pseudo-existence, and wake up as a full-fledged youkai once more, in mind as well as body. All would be as it should be.
He had almost convinced himself of this, nearly surrendered to the comforting pressure of his youkai side. Then her heartfelt words echoed inside his mind once more, the last offer of resistance before all opposition fell silent. But it left an indelible impression nonetheless. Another memory drifted into his consciousness, another heartfelt conversation from long ago. Another smile, another look of love in her eyes. He hadn’t comprehended it as love at the time, but he had understood that she cared for him deeply, and he for her. More memories followed, circling around him faster and faster, until in his dizziness it all molded into one, a single overarching impression of the girl who meant more to him than any other. How could he have doubted her for even a moment? She showed her love to be genuine every single day, each time she leapt through the well into a land of hardship and danger. She proved it each time she forgave him for hurting her, returning to him despite the certainty that he would end up hurting her again in the near future. Her love was in every moment she was by his side, giving him a reason to press on, even if he didn’t comprehend it. If only he had been able to see it sooner.
“You really are pathetic, you know that?”
To Inuyasha’s alarm, his youkai side seemed more amused by his revelation than worried.
“Love? Ha! What a pitiful human emotion. You don’t need love. All you’ve ever needed is power, and now you have it. The power to shape your own destiny, the power to take anything you want. You’d have to be a complete fool to give that up for something as useless as ‘love.’”
“You’re wrong,” Inuyasha ground out, a profound sense of warmth stirring within his chest. New images appeared before him, a tantalizing glimpse of the future which could come to pass if he embraced Kagome’s love. In that moment, he had never desired anything so strongly.
“Kagome loves me, and I can’t—I won’t abandon that. Because…because I love her too.”
“Heh. You always were an emotional fool. Sorry, but I’m not going back to the way things were before.”
At those words, Inuyasha finally realized the peril he was in, how closely the powerful presence of his other self pressed in on all sides. He thought to resist, but it was too late. His heart had wavered too much, given too much ground before his revelation.
“Just go to sleep, weakling. The next time you wake up, Kagome will be gone for good.”
“Don’t you fucking touch her!” he cried, even as his consciousness started to fade. His youkai side laughed at him.
“Relax. I won’t hurt her. I’m just going to do what you should have done a long time ago.”
Inuyasha slipped into blackness, the wicked cackle of his youkai side echoing in his ears. He sent out a silent prayer, though what he was praying for, he didn’t know. Please, Kagome…
It was stupid, she knew. Inuyasha had made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want her help, and her heart still throbbed with pain from the wound he had inflicted. She had not abandoned him; in fact the opposite was much closer to the truth. So why couldn’t she convince herself that she had done everything in her power to help him? Hadn’t she? Hadn’t she practically begged him to stay, bared her very soul in a last-ditch effort to prevent him from leaving? In doing so, hadn’t she completely disregarded her own emotional well-being and left herself vulnerable to the crushing heartache which she now suffered? And yet, despite having every logical reason to do so, she found herself unable to move toward the well. She had tried to rise to her feet a couple times, but self-doubt always ensnared her and dragged her back down. She had even determined to head back to camp once, but likewise, her heavy limbs and heavier heart weighed her down. So here she sat, paralyzed by indecision, afraid to leave and afraid to stay. Afraid to abandon Inuyasha, but terrified to face him again. Her hands wrung anxiously in her lap, and she chewed on her lower lip. What am I going to do?
A small, furry creature hopped into her lap, startling her. She looked down to discover that it was Kirara, who gazed up at her for a moment before nudging her hand expectantly. The not-so-subtle hint wrung a smile from Kagome, despite her misery, and she began petting her companion, scratching in all the places she knew the fire-cat liked.
“I’m sorry, Kirara,” she muttered softly. “I make you carry me all the way back to the well, and then I just sit here feeling sorry for myself.”
Judging by the purrs emanating from her small form, Kirara didn’t seem to mind. But her ears remained alert, Kagome noted; despite Kirara’s distraction, she didn’t think she had to worry about anything dangerous sneaking up on them.
Time passed, though how quickly Kagome couldn’t be sure. What seemed like a half hour could actually be a couple hours or just a few minutes. Eventually she stopped scratching Kirara, and the fire-cat dozed off in her lap. She felt better for the companionship, though she was no closer to actually solving her dilemma. Her stomach rumbled with the beginnings of hunger, a consequence of not finishing her dinner due to the debacle with Inuyasha, and she knew that she would be starving by sunrise. Maybe she could impose on Kaede in the morning, both for breakfast and to seek her advice. She didn’t think the elderly miko would actually tell her what to do, but she always gave wise counsel nonetheless.
Making that decision, even if it was only to procrastinate on making her real decision, made Kagome feel much better. Soon enough, fatigue started to catch up with her, and she nodded off, secure in the knowledge that Kirara was watching out for her.
It felt like she had only been asleep for a few minutes when the stirring of the feline in her lap roused her to wakefulness. Kirara had obviously sensed something; she stood at attention, eyes and ears trained straight ahead. All Kagome saw was dark forest illuminated by dappled moonlight, but she rose to her feet, prepared to make a break for it if something dangerous materialized out of those woods. Her bow and arrows were resting beside the bone eater’s well, and though she could kick herself for not thinking to bring them with her to Goshinboku, she now began inching in their direction. Kirara leapt down from her arms, but did not transform as Kagome expected. She also refrained from growling a warning, and raised neither her fur nor her posture. It was as though she honestly didn’t know what to make of the intruder, whether or not to regard it as a threat. After stretching out her own senses, Kagome could understand why. That aura had changed dramatically over the past two weeks, but it was still unmistakable.
“Inuyasha?” she breathed, beyond shocked to find herself in his presence so soon. Moments later, she glimpsed a familiar form stalking slowly through the trees, until finally he emerged into the moonlit clearing and drew to a halt. She couldn’t tell if it was the limited light or her own imagination playing tricks on her, but he seemed different from the man she had fought with mere hours before. His eyes glowed in the darkness, a shade lighter than she could ever remember seeing. His fangs seemed longer, the purple markings on his cheeks more jagged. But again, Kagome could not be sure that she wasn’t imagining things, especially with her entire psyche in turmoil.
“What are you doing here, Kagome?”
“I…” she trailed off, momentarily at a loss for words.
“I figured you would have gone through the well by now,” he observed casually. Too casually, she realized. Yes, she no longer felt that she knew Inuyasha nearly as well as she once did. But even so, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right here. His smile was too easy, too detached from the reality that he had just broken her heart. It was as though he was actively trying to put her at ease, when in reality his odd demeanor had the opposite effect.
“I needed to collect my thoughts,” she replied softly, studying his every move, her suspicion keeping at bay the overpowering emotional torrent threatening to break free as a result of seeing him again so soon.
“Keh!” he barked out in amusement. “You can ‘collect your thoughts’ at home. Come on, I’ll walk you to the well.”
He stepped toward her, and she stumbled back reflexively. At once all good humor vanished from his expression, replaced fleetingly by irritation, which disappeared almost before she glimpsed it. Almost. Then he sighed and hung his head, a gesture which she knew should be familiar to her, but which seemed damningly foreign on his features.
“Look, Kagome,” he spoke, his tone grave. “I know we need to talk, but neither one of us is in any shape to talk now. I’ll come see you in the morning, okay?”
His words made perfect sense on their face, and Kagome so desperately wanted to believe them. But their delivery was completely off, utterly lacking in genuine solemnity. Inuyasha always conveyed his emotions clearly through non-verbal means, on the rare occasions when he had to speak from the heart. This…this was different. Looking at him, she honestly couldn’t say that he harbored any emotions at all. Except perhaps a strong desire to see her return home through the bone eater’s well. Kagome wasn’t sure of his motives, but one thing she did know for sure was that going home right now would be a huge mistake.
“I’d rather stay here,” she declared, forcing some firmness into her voice. “I’ll stay with Kaede-baa-chan,” she conceded in way of compromise. If Inuyasha accepted that, then she could convince herself that her suspicions of him were unfounded. With both him and Kirara here, there was no legitimate reason for him to insist on her going through the well. If he continued to demand that of her, however…
“Why not just go home?” he asked, his casual façade slipping just slightly. “You could have a nice hot bath, and sleep in your own, comfortable bed. I’ll come see you in the morning.”
His disingenuous attempts to persuade her confirmed Kagome’s fears, and his reiteration of that promise only served to further convince her that it was a lie. Earlier, as Inuyasha stormed out of camp, she had gotten the impression that he never intended to see any of them again. If anything, that impression had only grown stronger. If I go through the well, I’ll never see the Sengoku Jidai again, will I? Was he planning to take the jewel shards, leave her in her time, and destroy the portal behind him? It seemed a frighteningly strong possibility. No, I can’t let that happen!
“I said I would rather stay here, Inuyasha,” she retorted crossly. Her hostile response seemed to take him aback, though she honestly could no longer tell the difference between genuine emotion and pure performance.
“Whoa, calm down, wench!” he told her, holding up his hands in a placating gesture. “I just thought you’d be more comfortable in your time. Don’t get all pissy at me for trying to be nice!”
Kagome felt a twinge of guilt for her outburst, before realizing how stupid that was. If his insistence was truly born merely from a desire to ‘be nice,’ then she would apologize and all would be well. But she didn’t allow herself to believe for a moment that reality was so kind.
“I’m sorry, Inuyasha,” she replied, the most insincere apology she’d ever uttered. “But I’ve made my decision. I’ll ask you to honor it.”
She sent out a silent prayer that he would. But her last shred of hope that she was imagining things was crushed when instead, he tossed his head back and let loose a malevolent cackle. Then he speared her with the icy stare of a hunter tracking prey, even as his lips twisted into a sinister sneer.
“You always have to make things difficult, don’t you, bitch?”
He moved too quickly for Kagome to do more than brace for impact. But rather than a fist to the jaw, she received a shoulder to the stomach, one which immediately lifted her off her feet. A clawed hand latched onto her bare thigh, holding her in place as he trotted toward the bone eater’s well. Kirara transformed back at Goshinboku and began to pursue. The fire-cat probably didn’t understand exactly what was going on, but she knew enough to react to her friend’s distress.
“No, Kirara!” Kagome screamed, not wishing to put her companion in danger. Inuyasha apparently meant her no physical harm, but given how hard he had struck Shippou earlier, she doubted he would extend the same courtesy to Kirara. No, this was something she had to deal with on her own. She had to do something right now, or resign herself to never seeing the Sengoku Jidai again. What do I do? What do I do?!!!
She ran with the first idea that came to mind, placing both hands on Inuyasha’s back and summoning her spiritual energy before she could consider the repercussions. Even the tentative zap was enough to wring a pained grunt from him. His entire body spasmed, as he tossed her to land on her backside in the dirt, her feet only marginally breaking her fall. But a sore tailbone was the least of her worries. Inuyasha glared down at her as though she had sprouted another head, his eyes rapidly coloring with rage.
“Bitch!” he spat, moving to grab her again. This time Kagome was ready, and didn’t hesitate to infuse more of her power, enough to send Inuyasha reeling. Her vision blurred with tears but she hurriedly wiped them away. She hated doing this to him; if he would just leave her alone then she could stop! Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to have any intention of backing down.
He did drop to a knee as spiritual energy crackled around him, his chin lowering so his bangs hid his eyes. Kagome gasped as he raised his head, catching a fleeting glimpse of the golden orbs of hanyou she loved. They reflected utter bewilderment, and then vanished in the next instant, blocked off by eyelids and clenched fists. When he lowered his hands and fixed her with an incensed glare, Kagome could tell that the overpowering presence of his youkai side had regained full control. She was trying to contemplate the meaning behind this strange phenomenon when he lunged, catching her off guard. He shoved her to the ground, then grabbed a fistful of her hair and proceeded to drag her toward the well. Stifling a cry of pain, she managed to get her feet under her just enough to lurch toward him, her flailing hands finding purchase on his wrist just as he was about to haul her bodily over the precipice.
A torrent of spiritual power lanced through him like an electrical current, with such paralyzing effect that only through force of will could he move his muscles in any coordinated fashion. But he undoubtedly possessed the willpower. His lips pull back in a snarl, and he slowly reached down with his free hand and wrenched one of her hands away, then twisted his other arm until she had to release the grip of her other hand as well. He forcefully clasped her upper arms, wringing a whimper from her as his claws dug into her flesh. But when he tried to lift her, his strength finally gave out, and he only managed to slam her into the side of the well rather than tossing her into it. As she gazed somewhat dazedly into his savage countenance, all traces of humanity utterly vanished, Kagome was struck by the realization that she no longer recognized the creature before her. Completely consumed by rage, he was a phantom from her darkest nightmares come to life. There was no more room for half measures; it was time to end this.
The burst of pure energy she released then, fueled by fear and anger, and made more potent by heartache, launched Inuyasha across the clearing. He landed in a heap, then curled onto his side and clutched at his head, growling viciously as tendrils of light danced across his shuddering form. Kagome pulled herself to her feet as Kirara came to stand beside her, both of them watching the spectacle with morbid fascination. She blinked back tears, holding her breath and covering her mouth in horror as Inuyasha suffered. His ears shifted toward the top of his skull, then back again, his fangs and claws shrinking and elongating all the while. The few times he opened his eyes, Kagome saw that they no longer matched in color. His body truly was consumed by turmoil.
“Inuyasha!” she screamed, on the verge of panic. Had she gone too far? She hadn’t meant to seriously hurt him; she’d just wanted him to leave her alone and return to his senses! And now she was facing the very real possibility that she had killed her best friend, the only man she’d ever loved. Only his continued struggles and Kirara’s support kept her standing. Eventually she noticed something odd: Inuyasha still writhed on the ground, despite the fact that her spiritual energy had all but dissipated. What did that mean? Had she wounded him so badly that he could no longer sustain himself in a single cohesive form? Or was there another reason for his continued thrashing?
The answer was not long in coming, though to Kagome, each second seemed to drag on for hours. Finally Inuyasha’s struggles eased, as his ears migrated to the top of his head, holding there briefly before returning to what had become their customary position. Her concern that he was simply reverting back to his full-youkai form was immediately dispelled by the sudden darkening of his hair, and his rapidly fading aura. She had seen this before. Oh, Kami, he’s becoming human! Sure enough, within moments Inuyasha lay peacefully in the grass, fully human despite the full moon shining overhead. She hesitated to wake him, but a hundred question buzzed around inside her skull, and for the sake of her sanity she needed to get some answers. First and foremost, she needed to make sure he was all right.
“Inuyasha?”
No response. She crept closer, reaching out to nudge his shoulder.
“Inuyasha?”
A/N – So this is the power-hungry sociopath version of Inuyasha’s youkai side. You often see the version where he’s consumed by bloodlust, but is ultimately able to recognize his friends and desires to protect them. I’ve written that one myself. I think both interpretations are plausible.
I’m glad I decided to post this in installments. The feedback has encouraged me to make some alterations to later chapters. I should still be able to post chapters every one or two days.
Divided
“Stupid Kagome,” Inuyasha growled as he stomped through the trees, the comforting glow of the campfire fading behind him. “What the hell does she know?”
‘Inuyasha, you’re not the same as you were. You’ve changed, and not for the better.’
“Bullshit,” he snapped. “I’m still the same. I just stopped taking crap from everyone, that’s all.”
Kouga had found that out. And I’ll finish off the dumb bastard the next time I see him. The next time he saw Sesshoumaru, he would teach the arrogant prick the error of his ways as well. And as for Naraku…what he was going to do to the evil hanyou was unspeakable. Thinking of the future should have been enough to make him forget about the ignorant things Kagome said. But to his dismay, her voice continued to echo inside his skull.
‘You keep telling everyone that you’re ‘still Inuyasha.’ I want to believe that, but…I can’t.’
“Keh. Believe it, bitch. Or don’t. I don’t care either way.”
‘Please, stop driving us away. We’re your friends, and we care about you.’
“I didn’t drive them away. They drove me away!”
As if to emphasize his point, Inuyasha set off at a run, putting even more distance between himself and the friends he’d left behind. Former friends, he reflected bitterly. They stopped being my friends the moment they couldn’t accept me becoming a full-fledged youkai.
‘We don’t fear the full-youkai you’ve become. We fear the person it’s made you into.’
He growled in annoyance and quickened his pace. Perhaps he was trying to outrun Kagome’s voice, or perhaps he was just working off his frustration. Either way, it didn’t work. Her words continued to plague him, a sickness he simply couldn’t shake. They circled inside his head like vultures, never granting him a moment’s peace. Dammit! What the fuck? I shouldn’t have to deal with these weak human emotions anymore. Leave me alone! Or I’ll—
‘Or are you going to hit me too the next time I say or do something you don’t like?’
Inuyasha gradually slowed to a stop, the voices in his head quieting at last. But it was not a peaceful silence. He frowned, that particular thread of memory bothering him more than any of the others.
“That’s stupid,” he growled. “I would never hurt her. She’s an idiot for thinking I would. Dumb girl. Stupid, stupid girl.”
The only thing more alarming than the audible uncertainty in his voice was the lump of guilt forming in his gut. He scoffed. What did he have to feel guilty for? He told Kagome he wouldn’t hurt her, and he hadn’t hurt her. His hands were clean, and his conscience should be too. He raised said hands and opened them, taking in the elongated claws and rough contours. They seemed more vicious than he remembered, as he studied them in the moonlight, dappled by the forest canopy overhead. So what if my hands have changed? Kagome is still stupid, and so are the others. I would never hurt any of them!
Although…that wasn’t entirely true, was it? He cringed as he recalled the force with which he had struck Shippou, and the kit’s reaction afterward. Why…why did I hit Shippou like that? He hadn’t even been mad at the runt, just annoyed. Yes, Shippou was being a pain in the ass, and the little shit had bitten his hand, but his response had not exactly been proportional to the offense. I’ve never hit Shippou that hard, he realized, his eyes losing focus for a moment. I could have really hurt him. Why…why did I…
He swayed on his feet for a moment, putting a hand to his temple and blinking a few times in rapid succession. The sudden dizziness subsided, but did not abate completely. He frowned, more than a little perplexed. He had felt so powerful for the last half month, so in control, so assured that he was now what he was always meant to be. He had finally realized his destiny, his goal ever since he’d first experienced the true cruelty of humans as an abandoned child. In short, he’d felt invincible. Even the debacle against Kouga he could dismiss as an outlier, a result of his inexperience in this form. He would do much better next time. So although the dizzy spell was somewhat disconcerting, he was prepared to brush it off as a one-time occurrence, and literally work off whatever ailed him. It would be nice to really unfurl his wings after traveling with a bunch of slow-ass humans for the last half month.
But before he could start running, an unexpected and powerful scent froze his feet to the ground and had him spinning in all directions searching for the source. His chest tightened painfully, the same reaction he always experienced whenever he detected this particular aroma, especially when he was the cause. But no matter where he looked, or in which direction he trained his sensitive ears, he could detect no sign of her.
“Kagome? Are you there, wench?!” he demanded irritably, as the scent of her tears continued to assault his nostrils. There was no response. What the hell is going on?! Now that he took a moment to decipher the olfactory information, he was smelling her tears, but he could not detect any sign of her physical presence. It was as though someone had dumped a jug of her tears at his feet. I must be losing my fucking mind…
“Enough of this shit!” he growled, launching himself into a dead sprint. He had no idea what was wrong with him, but he didn’t like it. Every nerve in his body screamed at him to run, to flee from her oppressive presence. Some additional distance between them would surely cure whatever plagued him. It had to.
A hulking oni lunged at him from behind a grove of trees, its grotesque arm reaching to grab him with bone-crushing force. Inuyasha sidestepped and lashed out, his claws striking…nothing. He stared at the empty space where the oni had been mere moments before, genuine fear coiling in his gut. But…it was just there! Where did it go? And yet, there was no lingering scent, no broken tree branches or trampled underbrush. Only the forest, dark and foreboding.
“Damn it!”
He took off again, faster this time, his legs pumping as though his very life depended on drawing upon every ounce of speed he possessed. More enemies leapt at him, always without warning, but he managed to dodge them. The forest itself seemed to close in around him; branches which he usually avoided effortlessly now scratching at his face, leaving thin marks which burned painfully as sweat from his brow dripped into them. The salty liquid stung his eyes as well, but he scarcely dared to blink. His breath came in ragged pants, all semblance of control now vanished as pure panic fueled his every move. His grip on reality slowly weakened, until he could almost feel it slipping from his grasp. Kami, what is happening to me?
He didn’t see the patch of swampy ground in time to avoid it, and it was far too late to slow his pace. His feet slipped out from underneath him, sending him sprawling face-first into the mud. His momentum caused him to skid along, further embedding himself in the soggy ground until finally he came to a stop. He mustered the will to pull his face from the suffocating sludge, but anything else was beyond him, both physically and mentally. He lay his cheek on the damp earth and closed his eyes. For a moment he thought he had finally found some measure of peace. But it was not to be. A choked cry escaped his throat as the scent of her tears invaded his nose once again. Then, like the ghostly articulations of a phantom, her voice drifted to him on the chilling breeze.
‘Don’t leave, Inuyasha. We all care about you. Let us help you.’
“Please, stop,” he begged, his throat swelling as moisture gathered behind his eyelids. To his surprise, Kagome’s voice did cease its damning recitations. What followed, however, was far worse.
‘This isn’t a fairy tale, Kagome. There are no happy endings, no star-crossed lovers magically winding up together in the end. This is real life, and real life sucks. Go home, little girl. Go home where you belong.’
Inuyasha’s entire body shuddered as he relived those words, his mouth filling with the sour taste of bile as he recalled their utterance. His jaw clenched painfully hard, as though by keeping his cursed maw closed now he could somehow go back in time and unsay what had already been said. Did I really…did I really say that to Kagome?
The answer broke him, the fragile levee holding back his despair bursting spectacularly. No matter how hard he squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t hold back his tears or stop the sobs which wracked him in waves of repressed misery. How did this happen? How had his life led him here, to this patch of swamp in some random forest in the middle of nowhere? How had his decisions culminated with him weeping in the mud, reduced to nothing more than a pitiful orphan longing for his mother’s embrace? But there was no one to comfort him, no one to tell him that he was loved, that everything would be all right. In those moments of soul-crushing sorrow, he felt that he truly understood Kagome’s pain.
Eventually his tears dried up, and his sobs wound down to the occasional sniffle. He had no idea how long he lay there, gazing at nothing, listening to nothing. Finally the sounds of the night worked their way into his consciousness. The chirping of crickets, the rustling of small creatures hunting for food, the hoot of an own in the distance. The normalcy of the forest was a small relief; at least the shadows were no longer trying to kill him. Or more accurately, his guilt-ridden imagination was no longer manifesting his self-loathing in such a way. That was not to say that his remorse was any less palpable, or that he felt it any less strongly. But at long last, he finally felt composed enough to pick himself off the ground.
The mud clung to him stubbornly, but with a heave of his exhausted muscles he lurched free of its icy embrace. He settled into a kneeling position and glanced around at his surroundings, finding nothing of interest. There was a small pond off to his right, which was no surprise given the marshy ground. He had never been here before, and would probably never return here again. That thought brought him back to how he had wound up here in the first place. He grimaced as he again recalled his terrible words, though he was able to maintain control of his emotions this time. Kagome’s right. I really have changed. I may be a full-fledged youkai now, but at the cost of becoming a heartless bastard. His head swam once more, causing him to lean forward with both hands clutching at his temples, his eyes squeezed shut.
Regaining consciousness was like waking from a deep sleep. He momentarily lost all sense of self, and had no idea where he was. Even when those memories returned, he could tell that something was different. When he opened his eyes, he found the world slightly less vivid than he remembered. The crickets were not as melodious, the panoply of scents not as rich. Even the cold from the mud covering his hands felt somehow muted. He wiped his right hand on his hakama and raised it to eye level, studying the contours which seemed less rugged than before. They were not the hands he remembered from before that fateful day a half month ago, but they were encouragingly close. For a few moments he dared to hope, as he stumbled toward the pond. He was disappointed to find that his ears remained on the sides of his head, and the smooth purple markings still adorned his cheeks. But his eyes seemed more familiar to him than they had in some time.
He gasped aloud as he comprehended the direction of his thoughts. What was I hoping for? That I had transformed back into a hanyou? Why…isn’t becoming a full-fledged youkai what I’ve always wanted?
“You’re damn right it is.”
He leapt to his feet at the sound of that voice, baring his fangs. The newcomer seemed familiar, but he was torn between regarding it as a friend or a threat.
“Who are you?” he snarled, frustrated that he couldn’t detect the other’s presence.
“Come now, surely you’re not that stupid.”
It took him a few moments, but finally he came up with the correct answer.
“You’re my youkai side.”
“Congratulations. You’re not a complete idiot.”
“Oi, it’s not like you could ever talk before! Usually you just try to kill everything in sight.”
“Heh. That’s all in the past. I’m a new youkai now.”
Inuyasha was less than convinced, and his other self seemed to know it.
“Look, I know I’ve been a bit of an…animal, in the past. But I’m in control now. We are in control.”
“Control?” he repeated incredulously. “Is that what you call what just happened? Me running for my life from nothing and crying in the mud is control to you?”
His youkai side growled in annoyance. “That was just what’s left of your humanity getting all emotional on me. Ignore him. Just think of how incredible you’ve felt since you became a full-fledged youkai. Haven’t you enjoyed it? Being better and stronger than ever, not having anyone look down on you for being a half-breed?”
He couldn’t deny that. It had been wonderful, beyond his wildest fantasies. That is, until he drove all of his friends away.
“You don’t need them. They just slow you down.”
Inuyasha frowned. On one level, what his youkai side said was entirely true. But he had come to see his friends as much more than just allies in battle. He fought for them, so they might one day achieve their dreams, and he would die for any one of them. Beyond all that, he recognized that they made him a better person.
“Correction: they make you more human. More weak.”
That was also true. But still his heart resisted, holding at bay the constant pressure exerted on his mind. He heard his other self sigh in exasperation.
“Look, I’m not saying we have to abandon them to their fate. By all means, let’s hunt down that bastard Naraku. He fucking deserves what’s coming to him. If he’s immortal, we’ll just keep butchering him until he finally decides not to come back. We’ll give the jewel to Kikyou and let her purify it. Then she can go back to the afterlife in peace. Miroku and Sango will be free to settle down and have that litter of kids they’ve been wanting, and Shippou can grow up in safety. You will have accomplished everything you meant to. Everything will be as it should be.”
Inuyasha couldn’t deny the appeal of that proposal. He would be a full-fledged youkai as he’d always desired, and all of the people he cared about would have the lives, or peaceful deaths, that they deserved. Almost everyone, he realized. He couldn’t help but notice the one person his youkai side had failed to mention.
“Kagome will go back to her own time where she belongs. She’ll be with her family, and will live a long and happy life. How is that not the best thing for her?”
Inuyasha found himself nodding subconsciously, succumbing to the truth of those words and the conviction in his other self’s voice. Hadn’t he always known that Kagome would return to her own world eventually? This way, she wouldn’t have to fight anymore. She wouldn’t have to survive the final battle with Naraku, or any of the other adventures which tended to place her in mortal peril on a regular basis. She could go back to being a normal schoolgirl, living with her family, having fun with her friends as she prepared for adult life in the modern era. Eventually she would meet someone, get married and have children of her own. This last thought sparked a pang of jealousy in his gut, but it did not shake his conviction that this was what was best for her. He had no right to be jealous, anyway. If Kagome went back to her own time, then he wouldn’t be able to break her heart anymore.
‘I…I fell in love with you as a hanyou.’
That solitary thread of memory drew Inuyasha’s mind to a screeching halt. For a few moments he simply stared straight ahead, as Kagome’s tiny, desperate voice echoed inside his skull, calling into question every belief, every assurance he’d previously contrived. His youkai side’s voice, raised in irritation, shattered his stupor.
“Kagome is a naïve little girl. In her time, she isn’t even an adult yet. She only thinks she loves you. When she grows up she’ll realize that it was just a childish affection.”
He pondered that, turning it over in his head. Could that really be true? Logically it made sense. Kagome was somewhat naïve, and she could be pretty immature at times. He was probably the first boy she’d ever had any romantic interest in at all. How the hell did she know what love was? What was ‘love’ to her was likely just a childish affection, a misinterpretation of one’s feelings brought about by inexperience and frequent stressful situations. In time she would realize this and move on. He firmed his jaw, nodding resolutely. He would send Kagome back to her own time. He would leave this strange pseudo-existence, and wake up as a full-fledged youkai once more, in mind as well as body. All would be as it should be.
He had almost convinced himself of this, nearly surrendered to the comforting pressure of his youkai side. Then her heartfelt words echoed inside his mind once more, the last offer of resistance before all opposition fell silent. But it left an indelible impression nonetheless. Another memory drifted into his consciousness, another heartfelt conversation from long ago. Another smile, another look of love in her eyes. He hadn’t comprehended it as love at the time, but he had understood that she cared for him deeply, and he for her. More memories followed, circling around him faster and faster, until in his dizziness it all molded into one, a single overarching impression of the girl who meant more to him than any other. How could he have doubted her for even a moment? She showed her love to be genuine every single day, each time she leapt through the well into a land of hardship and danger. She proved it each time she forgave him for hurting her, returning to him despite the certainty that he would end up hurting her again in the near future. Her love was in every moment she was by his side, giving him a reason to press on, even if he didn’t comprehend it. If only he had been able to see it sooner.
“You really are pathetic, you know that?”
To Inuyasha’s alarm, his youkai side seemed more amused by his revelation than worried.
“Love? Ha! What a pitiful human emotion. You don’t need love. All you’ve ever needed is power, and now you have it. The power to shape your own destiny, the power to take anything you want. You’d have to be a complete fool to give that up for something as useless as ‘love.’”
“You’re wrong,” Inuyasha ground out, a profound sense of warmth stirring within his chest. New images appeared before him, a tantalizing glimpse of the future which could come to pass if he embraced Kagome’s love. In that moment, he had never desired anything so strongly.
“Kagome loves me, and I can’t—I won’t abandon that. Because…because I love her too.”
“Heh. You always were an emotional fool. Sorry, but I’m not going back to the way things were before.”
At those words, Inuyasha finally realized the peril he was in, how closely the powerful presence of his other self pressed in on all sides. He thought to resist, but it was too late. His heart had wavered too much, given too much ground before his revelation.
“Just go to sleep, weakling. The next time you wake up, Kagome will be gone for good.”
“Don’t you fucking touch her!” he cried, even as his consciousness started to fade. His youkai side laughed at him.
“Relax. I won’t hurt her. I’m just going to do what you should have done a long time ago.”
Inuyasha slipped into blackness, the wicked cackle of his youkai side echoing in his ears. He sent out a silent prayer, though what he was praying for, he didn’t know. Please, Kagome…
* * *
Kagome exhaled exhaustedly, slumping bonelessly against the tree at
her back. Goshinboku’s branches loomed above her, as
comforting as they ever were, though it felt like her entire being
was still in turmoil. She had stood in front of the bone
eater’s well for a long time, heart warring with mind as she
gazed into its black depths. It was the middle of the night
now, Kirara having in a few hours made the journey which would have
taken several days on foot. Kagome had honestly expected to
be home in her bed by now, probably not sleeping, but at least safe
and warm. But as she stood there, gazing into the void which
led to her world, she couldn’t help but feel that she would
be making a terrible mistake. It was stupid, she knew. Inuyasha had made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want her help, and her heart still throbbed with pain from the wound he had inflicted. She had not abandoned him; in fact the opposite was much closer to the truth. So why couldn’t she convince herself that she had done everything in her power to help him? Hadn’t she? Hadn’t she practically begged him to stay, bared her very soul in a last-ditch effort to prevent him from leaving? In doing so, hadn’t she completely disregarded her own emotional well-being and left herself vulnerable to the crushing heartache which she now suffered? And yet, despite having every logical reason to do so, she found herself unable to move toward the well. She had tried to rise to her feet a couple times, but self-doubt always ensnared her and dragged her back down. She had even determined to head back to camp once, but likewise, her heavy limbs and heavier heart weighed her down. So here she sat, paralyzed by indecision, afraid to leave and afraid to stay. Afraid to abandon Inuyasha, but terrified to face him again. Her hands wrung anxiously in her lap, and she chewed on her lower lip. What am I going to do?
A small, furry creature hopped into her lap, startling her. She looked down to discover that it was Kirara, who gazed up at her for a moment before nudging her hand expectantly. The not-so-subtle hint wrung a smile from Kagome, despite her misery, and she began petting her companion, scratching in all the places she knew the fire-cat liked.
“I’m sorry, Kirara,” she muttered softly. “I make you carry me all the way back to the well, and then I just sit here feeling sorry for myself.”
Judging by the purrs emanating from her small form, Kirara didn’t seem to mind. But her ears remained alert, Kagome noted; despite Kirara’s distraction, she didn’t think she had to worry about anything dangerous sneaking up on them.
Time passed, though how quickly Kagome couldn’t be sure. What seemed like a half hour could actually be a couple hours or just a few minutes. Eventually she stopped scratching Kirara, and the fire-cat dozed off in her lap. She felt better for the companionship, though she was no closer to actually solving her dilemma. Her stomach rumbled with the beginnings of hunger, a consequence of not finishing her dinner due to the debacle with Inuyasha, and she knew that she would be starving by sunrise. Maybe she could impose on Kaede in the morning, both for breakfast and to seek her advice. She didn’t think the elderly miko would actually tell her what to do, but she always gave wise counsel nonetheless.
Making that decision, even if it was only to procrastinate on making her real decision, made Kagome feel much better. Soon enough, fatigue started to catch up with her, and she nodded off, secure in the knowledge that Kirara was watching out for her.
It felt like she had only been asleep for a few minutes when the stirring of the feline in her lap roused her to wakefulness. Kirara had obviously sensed something; she stood at attention, eyes and ears trained straight ahead. All Kagome saw was dark forest illuminated by dappled moonlight, but she rose to her feet, prepared to make a break for it if something dangerous materialized out of those woods. Her bow and arrows were resting beside the bone eater’s well, and though she could kick herself for not thinking to bring them with her to Goshinboku, she now began inching in their direction. Kirara leapt down from her arms, but did not transform as Kagome expected. She also refrained from growling a warning, and raised neither her fur nor her posture. It was as though she honestly didn’t know what to make of the intruder, whether or not to regard it as a threat. After stretching out her own senses, Kagome could understand why. That aura had changed dramatically over the past two weeks, but it was still unmistakable.
“Inuyasha?” she breathed, beyond shocked to find herself in his presence so soon. Moments later, she glimpsed a familiar form stalking slowly through the trees, until finally he emerged into the moonlit clearing and drew to a halt. She couldn’t tell if it was the limited light or her own imagination playing tricks on her, but he seemed different from the man she had fought with mere hours before. His eyes glowed in the darkness, a shade lighter than she could ever remember seeing. His fangs seemed longer, the purple markings on his cheeks more jagged. But again, Kagome could not be sure that she wasn’t imagining things, especially with her entire psyche in turmoil.
“What are you doing here, Kagome?”
“I…” she trailed off, momentarily at a loss for words.
“I figured you would have gone through the well by now,” he observed casually. Too casually, she realized. Yes, she no longer felt that she knew Inuyasha nearly as well as she once did. But even so, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right here. His smile was too easy, too detached from the reality that he had just broken her heart. It was as though he was actively trying to put her at ease, when in reality his odd demeanor had the opposite effect.
“I needed to collect my thoughts,” she replied softly, studying his every move, her suspicion keeping at bay the overpowering emotional torrent threatening to break free as a result of seeing him again so soon.
“Keh!” he barked out in amusement. “You can ‘collect your thoughts’ at home. Come on, I’ll walk you to the well.”
He stepped toward her, and she stumbled back reflexively. At once all good humor vanished from his expression, replaced fleetingly by irritation, which disappeared almost before she glimpsed it. Almost. Then he sighed and hung his head, a gesture which she knew should be familiar to her, but which seemed damningly foreign on his features.
“Look, Kagome,” he spoke, his tone grave. “I know we need to talk, but neither one of us is in any shape to talk now. I’ll come see you in the morning, okay?”
His words made perfect sense on their face, and Kagome so desperately wanted to believe them. But their delivery was completely off, utterly lacking in genuine solemnity. Inuyasha always conveyed his emotions clearly through non-verbal means, on the rare occasions when he had to speak from the heart. This…this was different. Looking at him, she honestly couldn’t say that he harbored any emotions at all. Except perhaps a strong desire to see her return home through the bone eater’s well. Kagome wasn’t sure of his motives, but one thing she did know for sure was that going home right now would be a huge mistake.
“I’d rather stay here,” she declared, forcing some firmness into her voice. “I’ll stay with Kaede-baa-chan,” she conceded in way of compromise. If Inuyasha accepted that, then she could convince herself that her suspicions of him were unfounded. With both him and Kirara here, there was no legitimate reason for him to insist on her going through the well. If he continued to demand that of her, however…
“Why not just go home?” he asked, his casual façade slipping just slightly. “You could have a nice hot bath, and sleep in your own, comfortable bed. I’ll come see you in the morning.”
His disingenuous attempts to persuade her confirmed Kagome’s fears, and his reiteration of that promise only served to further convince her that it was a lie. Earlier, as Inuyasha stormed out of camp, she had gotten the impression that he never intended to see any of them again. If anything, that impression had only grown stronger. If I go through the well, I’ll never see the Sengoku Jidai again, will I? Was he planning to take the jewel shards, leave her in her time, and destroy the portal behind him? It seemed a frighteningly strong possibility. No, I can’t let that happen!
“I said I would rather stay here, Inuyasha,” she retorted crossly. Her hostile response seemed to take him aback, though she honestly could no longer tell the difference between genuine emotion and pure performance.
“Whoa, calm down, wench!” he told her, holding up his hands in a placating gesture. “I just thought you’d be more comfortable in your time. Don’t get all pissy at me for trying to be nice!”
Kagome felt a twinge of guilt for her outburst, before realizing how stupid that was. If his insistence was truly born merely from a desire to ‘be nice,’ then she would apologize and all would be well. But she didn’t allow herself to believe for a moment that reality was so kind.
“I’m sorry, Inuyasha,” she replied, the most insincere apology she’d ever uttered. “But I’ve made my decision. I’ll ask you to honor it.”
She sent out a silent prayer that he would. But her last shred of hope that she was imagining things was crushed when instead, he tossed his head back and let loose a malevolent cackle. Then he speared her with the icy stare of a hunter tracking prey, even as his lips twisted into a sinister sneer.
“You always have to make things difficult, don’t you, bitch?”
He moved too quickly for Kagome to do more than brace for impact. But rather than a fist to the jaw, she received a shoulder to the stomach, one which immediately lifted her off her feet. A clawed hand latched onto her bare thigh, holding her in place as he trotted toward the bone eater’s well. Kirara transformed back at Goshinboku and began to pursue. The fire-cat probably didn’t understand exactly what was going on, but she knew enough to react to her friend’s distress.
“No, Kirara!” Kagome screamed, not wishing to put her companion in danger. Inuyasha apparently meant her no physical harm, but given how hard he had struck Shippou earlier, she doubted he would extend the same courtesy to Kirara. No, this was something she had to deal with on her own. She had to do something right now, or resign herself to never seeing the Sengoku Jidai again. What do I do? What do I do?!!!
She ran with the first idea that came to mind, placing both hands on Inuyasha’s back and summoning her spiritual energy before she could consider the repercussions. Even the tentative zap was enough to wring a pained grunt from him. His entire body spasmed, as he tossed her to land on her backside in the dirt, her feet only marginally breaking her fall. But a sore tailbone was the least of her worries. Inuyasha glared down at her as though she had sprouted another head, his eyes rapidly coloring with rage.
“Bitch!” he spat, moving to grab her again. This time Kagome was ready, and didn’t hesitate to infuse more of her power, enough to send Inuyasha reeling. Her vision blurred with tears but she hurriedly wiped them away. She hated doing this to him; if he would just leave her alone then she could stop! Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to have any intention of backing down.
He did drop to a knee as spiritual energy crackled around him, his chin lowering so his bangs hid his eyes. Kagome gasped as he raised his head, catching a fleeting glimpse of the golden orbs of hanyou she loved. They reflected utter bewilderment, and then vanished in the next instant, blocked off by eyelids and clenched fists. When he lowered his hands and fixed her with an incensed glare, Kagome could tell that the overpowering presence of his youkai side had regained full control. She was trying to contemplate the meaning behind this strange phenomenon when he lunged, catching her off guard. He shoved her to the ground, then grabbed a fistful of her hair and proceeded to drag her toward the well. Stifling a cry of pain, she managed to get her feet under her just enough to lurch toward him, her flailing hands finding purchase on his wrist just as he was about to haul her bodily over the precipice.
A torrent of spiritual power lanced through him like an electrical current, with such paralyzing effect that only through force of will could he move his muscles in any coordinated fashion. But he undoubtedly possessed the willpower. His lips pull back in a snarl, and he slowly reached down with his free hand and wrenched one of her hands away, then twisted his other arm until she had to release the grip of her other hand as well. He forcefully clasped her upper arms, wringing a whimper from her as his claws dug into her flesh. But when he tried to lift her, his strength finally gave out, and he only managed to slam her into the side of the well rather than tossing her into it. As she gazed somewhat dazedly into his savage countenance, all traces of humanity utterly vanished, Kagome was struck by the realization that she no longer recognized the creature before her. Completely consumed by rage, he was a phantom from her darkest nightmares come to life. There was no more room for half measures; it was time to end this.
The burst of pure energy she released then, fueled by fear and anger, and made more potent by heartache, launched Inuyasha across the clearing. He landed in a heap, then curled onto his side and clutched at his head, growling viciously as tendrils of light danced across his shuddering form. Kagome pulled herself to her feet as Kirara came to stand beside her, both of them watching the spectacle with morbid fascination. She blinked back tears, holding her breath and covering her mouth in horror as Inuyasha suffered. His ears shifted toward the top of his skull, then back again, his fangs and claws shrinking and elongating all the while. The few times he opened his eyes, Kagome saw that they no longer matched in color. His body truly was consumed by turmoil.
“Inuyasha!” she screamed, on the verge of panic. Had she gone too far? She hadn’t meant to seriously hurt him; she’d just wanted him to leave her alone and return to his senses! And now she was facing the very real possibility that she had killed her best friend, the only man she’d ever loved. Only his continued struggles and Kirara’s support kept her standing. Eventually she noticed something odd: Inuyasha still writhed on the ground, despite the fact that her spiritual energy had all but dissipated. What did that mean? Had she wounded him so badly that he could no longer sustain himself in a single cohesive form? Or was there another reason for his continued thrashing?
The answer was not long in coming, though to Kagome, each second seemed to drag on for hours. Finally Inuyasha’s struggles eased, as his ears migrated to the top of his head, holding there briefly before returning to what had become their customary position. Her concern that he was simply reverting back to his full-youkai form was immediately dispelled by the sudden darkening of his hair, and his rapidly fading aura. She had seen this before. Oh, Kami, he’s becoming human! Sure enough, within moments Inuyasha lay peacefully in the grass, fully human despite the full moon shining overhead. She hesitated to wake him, but a hundred question buzzed around inside her skull, and for the sake of her sanity she needed to get some answers. First and foremost, she needed to make sure he was all right.
“Inuyasha?”
No response. She crept closer, reaching out to nudge his shoulder.
“Inuyasha?”
A/N – So this is the power-hungry sociopath version of Inuyasha’s youkai side. You often see the version where he’s consumed by bloodlust, but is ultimately able to recognize his friends and desires to protect them. I’ve written that one myself. I think both interpretations are plausible.
I’m glad I decided to post this in installments. The feedback has encouraged me to make some alterations to later chapters. I should still be able to post chapters every one or two days.