InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Stick to the plan ❯ Reflection ( Chapter 5 )

 

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I Won't be held down

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Sweat dripped down the brow adding to the already damp moisture that had complied on the futons headrest as she tossed and turned. Her breathing going ragged and yet she had still not awoken. She wished that she could, that she could escape the swirling images that played in her mind. However, she could not escape this darkness. Not until it was finished weaving its tale.

Had she been dreaming it would have been easy to calm her racing heart but, when it finally released its grasp on her mind and allowed her a chance to recover only her lids opened as she lied there paralyzed from the force of the sights she had seen.

Such pain and the variety of emotions had been evoked so strongly they had taken shape and form in her mind, leaving her plagued despite the reprieve given as she returned back to the land of reality.

Her eyes darted around the room as she gained focus of her surroundings in the darkness that encompassed her. She sighed brokenly as she realized this darkness would not hurt her, should not cause her to fall into a state of anguish as the darkness her mind had conjured.

`

She knew what had caused it and yet she did not want to face it. It was too painful and she had faced enough pain in her lifetime. This scared her though. The intensity of the vision, she knew she had not been the only one to see it. Why was this happening now? She wondered as she finally gave into the feeling of unrest and rose from her futon. She needed to meditate and see if she would be able to reach the lost soul again and maybe soothe it some. It was her duty and in any case no living thing should be in that sort of turmoil.

Her body fought her rise cracking softly as bone fought tired muscle in its battle to get her into a sitting position. She was not as young as she once was and tonight above all nights she felt it. Looking over to where her young charge slept she sighed and tried to focus on the task at hand.

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There had been so much pain and yet that had not scared her. It was the cry of a pure soul being consumed by darkness and bending to its will. She shuffled towards the door and stepped outside into the pale moonlight of the eve. She did not want to wake the young one up when she began.

Settling herself outside legs crossed and arms folded she closed her aged lids and gradually slipped into trance. Probing for the signature of the one that had caused her such alarm, she felt the presence of other mikos doing the same. After awhile however she found it more dormant now then before but still seething just under the surface of its calm.

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She realized with a start however just who it was as she went to open a link with her mind she was forcibly pushed back by into her own mind. Kaede held her head crying out from in pain, rocking back and forth she calmed her mind the best she could.

The meaning had been received and clear. This one did not want soothing, did not want comfort. It wanted pain and hate and anger. She knew that no good would come of this as she slowly tilted her head to the sky wondering how many others had felt the force of that ones rejection.

Not since her sister had she felt such raw anger. Shaking her head softly as she knelt to begin praying for guidance she wondered if it was only fitting that it had turned out to be her very own Kagome.

 

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`I can see Through you. I have watched you taste the forbidden. I have watched you take your fill under the veil of the night. I have watched and I have waited. Soon they will all know your true colors.'

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Inuyasha finished dressing in silence his back to Sango. This was how it always went. They would dress in silence, their backs to each other as if that act alone would make what happened in the past, a dream, nonexistent. But it didn't and each time they would separate Inuyasha felt the guilt return to him and weight him down. He wanted to hate Sango for not being strong enough to reject him. He knew what they did was wrong and yet denied it to live in the gray. He liked the gray. The gray allowed him to forget the world and give into his desires. In the gray, they were single and free. In the gray what they were doing could hurt no one. In the gray he was not the bad guy and this was just a game. This was just a pastime and could end at anytime no strings attached. Yes, he liked the gray and yet that was not the reality of the situation.

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The reality was that the woman inside the room with him now was off limits, forbidden. But so were all the women of his life, another reason why he like the gray. In the gray he was finally able to taste the forbidden and not get burned but for how long. How many times would he be able to get away with it?

Shaking his head he peered over his shoulder to glance at his lover. He scented the air lightly. She was deep in thought but at least there were no tears. He hated the times she would cry after they would be finishing up. As if he didn't feel low enough, then she would cry only adding to it as if he had violated her.

No, tonight would not be one of those nights yet still he knew something was off. He knew she wanted to still talk about coming clean however he was in no mood for it this evening. His sash in place he moved towards the window and leapt out. He didn't feel rude. They never said `goodbye' but then again they never said `hello' either.

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Inhaling deeply he felt himself calming as the night air surrounded him. The night air, clear of the mixed scents that swirled around inside, outside it was just the cool air scented with the townspeople and the calming scent of the bordering forest. He need that soon it would have to end. He knew that his betrayal ran deeper than just deceiving his first love. He knew what would need to be done however he wasn't ready to face it.

It was cowardly and he wanted to hate himself and yet as he came to terms with the situation he was more scared by the revelation that he did not. He hated what the outcome would be but not the action.

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He had found the gray and it had become apart of him. Scenting the air he ran deeper into the forest as he basked in the newfound freedom of not caring. He actually started to believe that the end would turn out ok. He knew he would loose Kikyou but she was already dead and he had lost her a long time ago as her soul became trapped in the bitterness consuming her. But Kagome would forgive him; forgive him because she needed him. Needed to believe that good still remained in him, it was through her that he would redeem his past. She would be the one to release him from pain of his life. She could accept all the imperfections of his being because of the pureness that resided in her.

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Even now when he was not there to prevent her from when he believed she was raped she never blamed him. He stopped in mid jump frozen. Suddenly the world returned its weight to his shoulders. `I should have been there. I should have saved her. It should have been me not him that healed her wounds and tended to her. I was supposed to be her savior, not him. I was the protector. She relied on me and I let her down. And yet I still after all this turn to another to fulfill my desires. How many times did she come to me in night? Allow me to kiss her sweet lips even though she knew I had been with Kikyou? How many times did she leave for home in tears because of me? What if she decides not to come back once she finds out? How would I survive without her by my side?'

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Inuyasha pondered the finality of situation in the heart of the underbrush under the speckled blanket of the night sky. Sinking to the earth he allowed the complexity of his deception spring forth under the veil of his lidded eyes and for the first time he started to realize the gravity of the situation he had caused.

Sadly, his realizations always came at a high cost and though he did not know it yet the bill was on his way.

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Your love was not enough. You allowed the weakness of your flesh to destroy everything you have every truly desired. You have made it so easy for me. All I have to do is watch and wait.

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Back at the Inn

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Sango looked down at her pruning skin. She had been washing every since Inuyasha had left. She knew he was avoiding her and she could not blame him. Not for that but she did blame him for not avoiding her when it came to coupling again. Her skin reflected a pink hue from the vigorous scrubbing but she still felt unclean. She wanted to cry but she could not bring herself out of the self loathing enough to do so.

So she sat there and thought of all the ones she let down. `Kagome. Dear, sweet Kagome that was like a sister to me. That had comforted me all those sleepless nights as I came to terns that I had lost my brother to Naraku and would never get him back. That the young soulless boy that stood across from me on the battlefield was nothing more that a reflection of whom my brother once was.

Kagome that had helped locate the beauty within me. Kagome, that had always listened to my girlish sorrows over my lovable monk, Miroku.

Miroku… The first man that had seen past my armor and hard looks and had treated me as if I glided around in padded slippers, layers of silken Kimonos with my hair coifed in intricate styles bejeweled in jade and pearls with berry stained lips ripe for sin. He made me feel every bit the femininity only processed by the finest of geisha. And he had also been so tender and understanding towards me. Understanding in those quiet moments just what I needed better than anyone else in the group. And when I finally voiced my reason for not accepting his attentions, did he simply move on? No, instead he changed for me and only me even though I still railed him for his perverted ways. Who is really the perverse one?

I know the answer. If only Inuyasha was an ardent lover trying to woo my heart instead of my loins. If only he wanted me instead of just wanting release. Instead I get to live in the shadow of the woman he craves. He does to me the impure carnal acts that he would never want to impose on his love.

His sheath fills me as he climaxes to the vision of another.

I could have made him happy, possibly. I could have given him the pleasure of a strong companion. He would not have to worry about my safety as he does with Kagome. And yet that is the reason he would never want me. Because, I am the so called damaged goods, because I am capable, and because I appear to need no protector. Yet how could he be so blind to the very fact my dear houshi picked up on from the beginning. That for those very reasons I need to be protected even more.

My heart bleeds with the weight of this sin. Why did I give in when everything inside me knew this would only lead to the destruction of the only family I have now.

There has to be a way to fix this. Kagome will forgive me. Her heart, her goodness …in time she will forgive me. But what of Miroku? If only I hadn't been so pious towards him…If only I had shown mercy and understanding instead being so frigid and stern.

Why did I not allow him to be the one that ravished my body and explored his desires with my flesh? Will he understand as he always has?

How can we ever explain the reasoning behind our continual deception?

How did our plans go so far off the path?

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I will be there when you fall from grace. Into my arms you will land. I will let you know when it's over.

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I know I should probably confess that I know. End this now and let them come sniffling and begging for forgiveness. That I should be comforting Miroku and telling him all the things that would bring him to reason he still wants his beloved Sango in his life.

I should move on and accept the fact my friends have lied, cheated, sinned against me and our friendship and start on the path of mending the torn pieces of my heart.

I should but I don't want to. I understand now why hate and the malice in Kikyou's personality dominates her zombie form. It's because the will and power of them is so addictively strong. I don't feel blinded by it but empowered. Now that it resides within me I see the world as it is.

I was blinded by my emotions until I met Sesshomaru. Through him I have started down a path of clarity. He delivered the sniffling, weak girl that I was and shown me the window into his world of power and grace.

Still there are moments, seconds really when I want to end it all and then I think of him, Sesshomaru and something takes over me. The thought of it ending scares me more than the deception I continue to spin. The end of this means the end of him and me. I'm not ready to lose him yet. I know that it's silly and that we are far from in a relationship but I have come to crave those blissful moments of nothingness and sinful oblivion as he tortures my flesh with his twisted desires.

Something takes over me when I am with him and I fear I have sold myself to the devil. I want free of this torment. I want free of the guilt of this deception. Why should I cry for them? Why should I forgive them for what they feel no shame? They cannot be grieving seriously over their course of actions or they would have stopped. But poor Miroku… was he really so poor? How could he not see what was so plain to me?

No I will finish this. I will have my satisfaction and then I will continue on with my original quest alone. I will continue my training with Sesshomaru and I will grow strong and no one will ever cross me again.

I will never feel this pain again. I will do whatever it takes to complete this task. I will destroy them all if I have to stop the constricting in my chest every time I near them.

Hanyou. Slayer. Monk. They are obstacles not friends. I will remove them and rise above the ashes of my lost innocence.

I will do this. I will stick to the plan.

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The tide turns and the current must follow. I am a creature of grace and instinct. I will not be denied. I will not merely be the substitute. I will make her forget. She will beg, and plea for me to use her. I will bend her to my will. I will relieve myself of this obsession. It is merely the fact that she denies she is mine. I do not care for her but she will know who is in control. I will end this when I am ready and I will relish when the desolation is completed by the look in her eyes when she realizes what she has done. She's nothing to me, nothing that is but a tool to be used and deposed of.

This Sesshomaru will have his victory. Everything will go according to the plan.

 

 

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A/n

 

So sorry for the long pause. I was out of town for awhile and I lost the flow during being ill, going to a wedding and having a family death. However I hope you enjoy. My beta is still gone and so I'm in search of a new beta. This is the shortest chapter out of the bunch at ten pages but a necessary one. Hope you enjoyed it.

 

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Lover- *hides* you're going to hate me for this chapter then cause I know there are like a thousand questions left floating about out there..but that's how I like it. ;). Don't worry though all shall be revealed soon. Loved your review , hope you come back * Hands gummi bears*

 

 

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Kagome-Reborn out