InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Stream of Consciousness: A LiveJournal Collection ❯ Quest for Ratings ( Chapter 21 )

Title: Quest for Ratings

Community: inucomedyclub

Theme: Breaking the 4th Wall (that's theater-speak for when the characters realize they're fictional)

Place Earned: none (no voting because there were only 2 entries)

Genre: Comedy

Rating: R

Word count: 1,497

Warnings: language, end of manga spoilers, non-explicit sexual content

 

 

Quest for Ratings

 

It was a familiar scene for Kagome; some huge, butt-fugly youkai had shown up and demanded the jewel shards. But there was something different about this particular demon. Its chest looked like a billboard, complete with bright pink lettering, a woman smiling contentedly, and a certain product that made her flush with embarrassment.

 

“Whoa, whoa! Hold the phone!” she cried, effectively stopping everyone in their tracks. “Why the hell is there an advertisement for tampons on this youkai!”

 

“What's a tampon, Kagome?” Shippo asked innocently.

 

“N-nothing! Just something from my time!”

 

“Why is there a picture of something from your time on a demon from this era?” Sango wondered.

 

“I don't know…” Kagome admitted. “Maybe the Kami have a sick sense of humor. You hear me, you bastards! Stop fucking with my head!” At this point, the rest of the Inu-gang was stunned into silence; none of them, not even Inuyasha, had seen her quite so pissed before. Suddenly, gray clouds moved in overhead, too quickly to be normal. The sky darkened, bathing the field below in gloom. Then a small window of blinding light opened in the center of the clouds, and Kagome's ire turned to fear. She knew what was coming next: a deep, rumbling voice that would make the earth vibrate slightly with every syllable. Nothing could have been farther from the sound that actually reached her ears.

 

“You shouldn't make such a fuss about this, Kagome,” came a wheezy, nerdy voice, the kind you'd expect from a fifteen year old virgin who's come closer to banging Lieutenant Uhura than a real woman.

 

“A-are you a K-K-Kami?” Kagome inquired timidly.

 

“No, I'm the director.” Kagome frowned in consternation; that didn't make any sense, unless…

 

“Wait, are you like, a movie director?”

 

“Yep!” the geek-man replied. “`Inuyasha is a hit TV show, or at least it was. Lately, our ratings have fallen and we had to start placing advertisements to make budget.”

 

“A TV show?! We are real, aren't we?”

 

“Well…not exactly. But there are thousands of people who like to pretend that you are! That's kinda the same…”

 

“No it's not!” Kagome yelled. “Are you telling me we're just fictional characters made up by someone else!”

 

“Yeah, Rumiko Takahashi! She's a genius, I tell ya. The manga ended with 558 chapters, and I've read every one more than ten times. I know a guy who's read it so many times he's memorized every panel. You can name a chapter and page number and he'll tell you exactly what went on and what was said. It's totally killer! And I know another guy—”

 

“Ah, shut up!”

 

“Hey, you can't talk to me like that! I'm the direc—”

 

“I said SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” Kagome screamed, silencing every living creature within a ten mile radius. “You just told me I'm a make-believe character on some stupid TV show, so I can talk to you however the fuck I want! And you have to take it, because without me, you don't have much of a show, do you?!”

 

“Hey, hey! No need to get all mad! You get a happy ending, sort of…” the director replied lowly so only Kagome could hear.

 

“What does `sort of' mean?” Kagome queried, feeling a vein start to pop in her forehead.

 

“Well, it was kind of ambiguous, like Takahashi-san was thanking us for sticking with her through 558 chapters, and then decided to flip us all off at the end.” Seeing that Kagome was about to explode, the director hurried to reassure her. “B-but you and Inuyasha do end up together…I think.”

 

“What the hell to you mean `I think?' Do we or do we not end up with each other?”

 

“Well, most people think so, but it's not in the manga, per se…”

 

“Do we at least get a kiss?” Kagome snarled through gritted teeth. The director's silence was her answer.

 

“DAMMIT!!! You gotta be fuckin' shitting me! In five hundred-something chapters I don't get to kiss Inuyasha ONCE?! GAH!!!!” she shrieked, paying no heed to the fact that she was no longer keeping her voice below audible levels for her companions.

 

“C-calm down! It's not all painfully unsatisfying! Miroku and Sango have three kids by the time it's over!” The monk perked up immediately at that, wasting no time in sidling over to the blushing slayer.

 

“Well, my sweet, why don't we get started on that right now?” he whispered seductively into her ear.

 

*grope grope*

 

“Hentai!”

 

*slap*

 

“That's it!” Kagome snapped, her temper well beyond boiling point. She set her chin and folded her arms over her chest. “I'm not moving from this spot until I speak with this Takahashi bitch and set her straight!”

 

“But Kagome, think of all the people you've brought joy to!”

 

“Fuck'em.”

 

“But what about the children? Kids and adults love Inuyasha-themed products and apparel, just look at these catalogues!” Five booklets dropped from the sky, one in front of each of them. Picking hers up, Kagome leafed through. Wow, they really do have everything…bed sheets, tooth brushes, clothes… Ew! Toilet paper? People are wiping their asses with my face! Gross! And if she thought that was bad, nothing could have prepared her for the last section of the book. `InuRotica: the Inuyasha Sex Connection'…WHAT?!!!!! The section certainly lived up to its name, containing every kind of sensual, kinky, and perverted sexual instrument and apparel, all with an Inuyasha theme. Evidently, Shippo had discovered the same section.

 

“Kagome, what's a vibrator?” Dashing over to the kit, Kagome snatched the catalogue out of his hands. The description read:

 

The “Scream for me, bitch!” Vibrator

Perfect for solo, couple, or group play. Make your significant other scream for you as loudly as Kagome screams for Inuyasha! She'll be your little bitch in no time!

 

“DAH!” Kagome cried, tearing the entire `InuRotica' section out of the book and systematically shredding it into a thousand pieces.

 

“I would like to place an order,” Miroku declared. Kagome grabbed his catalogue too, not surprised when the page he had marked contained a Sango blow-up doll. She shredded that too.

 

“That. Is. IT!!! The Inu-gang is officially going on strike until I get to talk to Takahashi-bitch and you guys stop merchandizing us!”

 

“You don't want to go on strike, Kagome,” the director warned seriously.

 

“Oh, I don't? I'm not afraid of you!”

 

“You should be. I have a lot of creative freedom with the script, you know.”

 

“I don't care! Do your worst!”

 

“Ok, how about we launch the `Inuyasha Super-Skimpy Swimsuit Fanservice Special!'

 

*poof*

 

“KYAAAA!!!! Kagome-chan! What did you do?! This doesn't cover anything!” Sango shouted in panic. The slayer's suit was shaped like a giant V, with the bottom going through her legs and the tops crossing over her shoulders. Nothing covered her sides from armpit to hip, and the suit barely covered her nipples, let alone her whole breasts. Kagome found herself in a similar situation, wearing a tiny thong bikini with equally miniscule triangles covering about a quarter of each breast. “Apologize, Kagome-chan! Tell him we won't go on stri—i—um…” Sango trailed off, staring at something to Kagome's left. The miko turned and spied Miroku—and Inuyasha beside him—clad in nothing more than the tiniest Speedos she had ever seen. The fabric stretched to the breaking point, as each male gawked at the female of his choice, his body reacting accordingly. And now Kagome found that she couldn't force her eyes away, her own body heating rapidly.

 

“Whoa, this is getting kinda hot,” the director said quietly. Ultimately, it was the sound of a zipper being lowered that snapped Kagome out of her Inuyasha-induced stupor.

 

“Oh, no you don't! Give us back our clothing right now! We won't go on strike!”

 

“Alright,” the director reluctantly sighed.

 

*poof*

 

Now their clothing was back, but Kagome's body certainly had not cooled down. She rubbed her thighs together even as she tried to come up with an appropriate response.

 

“But we'll find a way to stop your perverted exploitation of us, right guys?!”

 

“They're already gone, Kagome-chan,” Sango said, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what they were doing.

 

“You ladies look tense,” the director observed mischievously. “Think of this as a peace offering.” From the sky dropped two white cylindrical objects, and both women recognized them from the catalogue.

 

“We spit on your offer of peace, right Sango-chan?! Sango-chan?” But the slayer had vanished as well, and so had one of the vibrators. Giving up, Kagome took the remaining implement in hand. “Promise me this whole scene won't appear in the show.”

 

“You have my word,” the director vowed, smirking as Kagome too dashed into the forest to relieve her tension. Oh, it won't appear on the show, Kagome, but I didn't say anything about a multi-million dollar porno film! Hello new mansion! Now if I could just get them to actually have sex with each other…