InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Stream of Consciousness: A LiveJournal Collection ❯ Spermayasha ( Chapter 65 )

Title: Spermayasha

Community: Iyhedonism

Theme: Chase

Place Earned: 1st

Genre: Humor

Universe: Canon post-manga???

Rating: R

Word count: 906

Summary: It's tough being a sperm, even one with attitude.

Warnings: language

 

 

Spermayasha

 

Wow…so this is what the inside of a woman looks like.

 

It's nice and warm in here. That's good; I don't like the cold. Most sperm don't. That's right; I'm a sperm. My name is Spermayasha, and I'm the finest specimen of genetic material my sire has ever put out! Just look at me, my tight body and sexy tail. Oh, yeah, I'm fucking gorgeous. And I'm ready for action. It's time to put a baby all up in here!

 

But there's just one problem: there are millions and millions of other sperm here with me. I don't need them; I can get the job done by myself, no problem, but I guess that ain't how it works. Every one of us knows that this is an all-or-nothing task; either you reach the egg first, or you die a horrible and useless death. So millions of us are all chasing the same thing, and I've been too busy preening myself to get a head start. Great, just fucking great.

 

Well, no time like the present, I suppose. I push past the squirming masses, heading in the direction where I instinctively know the egg lies. Bunch of weaklings these bastards are, but that's fine by me. They'll die and I'll have less competition. Suddenly I run into something soft but solid. It's a wall, stretching as far as I can see. What gives? This crazy woman didn't make things easy on us, did she? I swim along the wall, seeking an opening.

 

Ooh, what's that? It looks like a tiny hole where my brother sperm are swimming through one at a time. Perfect! I swim over and push somebody out of the way, plunging into the opening. Don't feel too bad for him, folks. He has the black hair gene. Fuck that! I got silver hair and dog ears. That's the very definition of sexy, folks.

 

Man, this tunnel is small. I can barely fit in some parts. And wouldn't you know it, but a whole line of us are stuck behind a slow ass. Pull over, man! Don't hold up everyone else because you refuse to go over 25! Millimeters per hour, that is. Ugh! If there's anything more annoying in this world…

 

Suddenly there's open space in front of me. Woohoo! Go, go, go! The egg must be up here somewhere! I accelerate, speeding past most of my brother sperm, many of whom are too exhausted to continue. Weaklings. But where's that damn egg? I don't see it anywhere, and we're almost to the end of the…oh, great, another tunnel. Women truly are evil creatures for putting us through all of this! At least there aren't that many of us trying to go through this one; it makes it easier to push my way through.

 

After an initial tight stretch, the tunnel widens considerably. I keep swimming, passing sperm who don't have my spectacular endurance. Part of me wants to taunt them as I go by, but I can't do that until I've passed all my competitors. Then I'll give them all a proper send off! The bird, a mooning, making faces at them…it's all good.

 

Man, this tunnel is long. How much longer can it get? Did the crazy woman twist her fallopian tube into a spring inside her? I'm starting to get tired, but at least I'm near the front of the pack now. There are about a dozen of us here, the best of the best, and we've left all our competitors behind. We're swimming along very slowly, as if by silent agreement, saving our energy for the final sprint. And what a last leg it will be; none of us want to lose after such a long and difficult chase.

 

Holy crap, there it is! Big and spherical and oh, Kami, I want it! It's mine, you bastards! MINE!!! Got it?

 

They're not listening. We start to swim faster and faster until we can't accelerate anymore. My big sexy tail propels me through the water, and damn do I look good! But no time for that now, there's one more competitor I gotta chase down. He's almost as good as I am, but I pull even with him. He smacks me with his tail, nearly causing me to lose my rhythm. Wanna play dirty, huh? Well fine by me! I lean in and drive him into the wall. And suddenly I'm alone, with a comfortable lead over all the other sperm. Yeah, I'm gonna win this!

 

But the last few millimeters seem to stretch for miles. I know I'm moving forward, but it doesn't look like I'm getting any closer. My tail hurts so badly, and I'm forced to stop and coast a few times. I don't know if I can make it twitch again, but I know those bastards are gaining on me. Gathering my resolve, I force my tail to move in one final effort.

 

Contact.

 

I just hang there for a moment, enveloped by soothing heat. I hear frantic impacts on the outside of the egg, my brothers knocking against the outer wall which has shut them out. But I am inside the egg. I won. At the end, I feel a little guilty that they will die, and I will live. Nah, fuck that! It was either them or me, and I think I earned the right to gloat a little.

 

Ha! This egg is MINE, bitches!

 

 

A/N - An LJ reviewer turned me onto Discovery Channel's “Great Sperm Race” special, which was an interesting way to spend an hour if you've ever wondered what life is like for a sperm. You can find it on youtube if you're interested.