InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Demons Within Us ❯ Small World ( Chapter 17 )

Kagome pulled her gaze from the desperate plea in her friend's eyes to the trembling grip Sango had on her hand. Inhaling a shaking breath, Kagome held it in before she let it go calmly with a sudden strength. Gazing back into Sango's eyes, Kagome wrapped her fingers around the hand that held hers tightly and nodded once. “I'm right here, Sango. I'm listening.”

 

Sango's breath left her in a bitter quake as she searched the girl's face beside her. What would Kagome think of her? What would she say? Sango shut her eyes, frowning as the burn of her tears tumbled down her cheeks.

 

“This wasn't the life I wanted.” She whispered.

 

The grip on her hand tightened as Kagome grasped it in both of hers, not saying a word. Slowly, Sango lifted her eyes to gaze at the woman beside her and was stunned to see her blue eyes looking intently at their joined hands. But what caused her wall to crack was the look of remorse and understanding that filtered through the girl's countenance.

 

Sango dropped her gaze to their hands and slowly lifted her other hand to complete the hold. If anyone was to understand the pain she felt, it was Kagome. She had lost her family, her home and almost her life in one moment. And like Sango, carried the scars that still haunted them so. But unlike her self, Kagome carried the past for the world to see. She could not have wanted this life. She could not have wanted to live like she had. Yet, for some reason, she did. And she carried it with more grace and love than any mortal could possibly have done. If anyone should know and understand, if anyone could take it all away, it was Kagome.

 

Sango bit her lower lip nervously before she manoeuvred her body to face her friend. She cast her eyes to the bed spread between them, taking comfort in the hands that held her own so warmly.

 

“I wasn't always like this.” Sango began. “I used to be someone completely different. I used to be happy.” She looked up Kagome with tired eyes. “I used to have a family.”

 

Kagome lifted her eyes from their joined hands to meet endless dark depths. Sango almost shivered at the intensity of that gaze. It was if Kagome was watching her very soul, listening to her very heart, and not her words.

 

Sango opened her mouth, wondering on where to begin, but it wasn't such a struggle as she thought it would be. Looking at the girl, her words just came, as if her story was waiting for this one moment to be told.

 

“It was just the three of us: my father, my brother, and me. My mom left when I was young. Dad never once blamed her. It was a life she couldn't handle, and it was best she wasn't around for it. Being a policeman's wife takes more strength than the average housewife. The knowledge that at one moment, you could be left alone is not something just anyone can handle. So it was just us. And we were happy. My father was our caregiver, our teacher and our rock. I can never remember a time he wasn't there for us. And I loved him. I loved him more than anything. And I wanted to be just like him.”

 

Sango smiled softly as memories scattered across her mind. “Even my little brother idolized him.” Her smile faded. “Or I thought he did….” She sighed as she thought back on it. “He wasn't a bad kid. You have to understand that. He was just… too soft hearted if anything.” Sango giggled softly. “He was always so nervous and self doubting. He always needed a hand to hold. Don't get me wrong, once he got used to something, he did it with such pride and ease that it was hard to believe he was once afraid of trying. Yet deep down, he was still that timid kid that always needed reassurance. It was so annoying how he'd constantly come into my room and just looked around, too embarrassed to just say he needed a hug or someone to talk to. But I knew… and I needed it too.

 

“The nights that my father had to work, it wasn't uncommon for my brother to sneak into my room and I'd wake with him in my bed. We'd talk for hours at times, not even sleeping, just waiting for the door to open and dad would be home and everything would be all right again. I guess we both had the same fear. That someday, he might not come home.”

 

Sango relaxed her hands and pulled them from Kagome's grasp. “It wasn't like what it used to be, when you could say your father was a police officer and people would just nod and smile. After the war, it was dangerous to be a law enforcer. Gangs, mafia and sometimes just ignorant fucks would hunt them down like they were sport. If you weren't one of them, you were fodder. It was hard to know who to trust and who to be wary of. If any one asked, my father was just a hard working man. Feign indifference to what he did, and you were safe. I hated it. I held such pride for what he did, the sacrifices he went through to keep us safe, to keep our city safe. I hated to hide what he did just because one day someone might try to hurt us. It was understandable that Kohaku was always so scared.”

 

“Kohaku?” Kagome's eyes widened slightly. No, it couldn't be as she thought. Many kids could be called Kohaku, but still….

 

Sango nodded. “My little brother.” She lifted her eyes up to look at nothing in particular and smiled sadly. “Yet even though he was my kid brother, he was also my best friend.” Her smile faded as tears flooded her eyes and spilled freely. “And I failed him.”

 

“Sango?” Kagome shifted closer to the woman. Could it be possible? Could this be the woman Kohaku dreamed about? Could Sango be Kohaku's sister? What happened to make such a loving family fall apart?

 

Sango shook her head and looked at Kagome with such wretched despair. “I was always there for him. I was always there to protect him. I was the only thing stable he really had. And I left him alone.”

 

Kagome bit her lower lip and lifted her fingers to stroke encouragingly at Sango's forearm, waiting for her to explain.

 

Sango lowered her head, rocking it back and forth. “I didn't know it would turn out like this. I didn't know… I didn't know I could lose him so easily.”

 

“Wh… what happened?” Kagome breathed, unsure she wanted to ask.

 

Sango inhaled a sharp breath and looked up at the ceiling. Hot tracks of tears marred her stricken face. “I left him… I left him… alone.” She tried hard to stifle her sobs as she glanced briefly at Kagome, trying to show strength but failing miserably before letting her gaze fall to the bedspread in resolve. “I didn't know why Kohaku clung to me all the time. He had friends. He was always friendly and it was hard to not like him. But he was also shy. Maybe it was because I was the only thing he felt he could trust. I used to think it was because he needed a mother figure or something. He didn't remember our mom too well, since he was only three when she left. But after awhile, I came to understand that it was more. But by then, it was too late.”

 

Sango inhaled deep then let the air rush out in a quivering wake as she struggled to continue. “I left him… to go to school. I got accepted into the police academy. I was going to be like our father. I wanted to be a cop. I wanted to protect people and save them from….” She let out a bitter laugh. “To save them from themselves.” She sniffed heavily and accepted the tissue Kagome got from the tissue box on the bedside table. Blowing her nose briefly she sighed. “I was gone for a year to train. I knew more than anything this was what I wanted to do. And I let nothing get in my way to do it. I was selfish… so selfish… trying to get my courses done and my life started. Kohaku used to email or call, but I just didn't have the time to talk to him. I had to study and train, and I had friends of my own that I wanted to be with. I didn't think he had anything important to say. He never did. Besides, if it were something major, dad would call and let me know.” She shifted back slightly to drop her leg down to the floor. “Then… he called. He told me that Kohaku's grades were dropping and he was skipping school. Every time he tried to talk to him, Kohaku would just blow him off and leave for a few days, never telling dad where he went. So the next break I had, I went home.”

 

Kagome dropped her gaze to look down at the tissue that Sango fiddled with. This didn't sound like the Kohaku she knew. That kid was such a keener. All he did was study and train and did whatever he could for those around him. He made her exhausted with how much he'd take on, and he'd always made her proud because he achieved everything he set out to do. But still… could he have been…? She looked up at Sango's bowed head. She could see the love she had for her brother and for her family. It amazed her to hear that Sango was training to be a police officer. What happened to make her come to where she was today?

 

“He wasn't who I thought he was.” Sango whispered. “He wasn't my kid brother.” She sniffed softly. “He talked back, broke things, he even hit me a few times when I tried to get him to see reason. He just fought me over everything and went out of his way to piss me off. He was just… angry. I've never seen a kid with so much hatred. I didn't know why and he wouldn't tell me.” She closed her eyes and softly wiped away the slowing tears. “He didn't trust me anymore.”

 

Brown eyes opened numbly as she lifted her head to look at the headboard behind Kagome. Her gaze seemed distant, as if she was watching the memory unfold before her. “The last night I was home, I found him in my room. I was surprised that he was there. Dad left a few hours back for work and I thought Kohaku had taken off that afternoon. But there he was, tearing into my stuff like he was searching for something. I remember calling his name and I can still remember his face when he turned around. God, Kagome… he looked so scared.”

 

She struggled with a heavy swallow before she continued. “He tried to run from my room but I grabbed his arm and threw him on my bed. He fought back hard, hitting and kicking. It broke my heart to force him down and make him submit underneath me. He struggled and swore at me. It took everything I had to hold him down, even when he yelled out in pain. Then he gave up and just lay there. He didn't even look at me. He just stared at the wall. He acted like he was dead. God, I never felt so powerless in my life.” She scratched her eyebrow nervously then slipped a stray hair behind her ear. “Ever since I got home, I had tried everything I could. I tried talking, yelling, ignoring and even hitting him back whenever he lashed out at me. I didn't know how to react to this thing he had become.

 

“But staring at him, laying prone underneath me on my bed… I realized then, he was still my little brother. And… I started to cry. I cried over what he had become, I cried over what I had done, and I cried because at that moment I realized that I not only pushed away my little brother, I pushed away the very thing I loved most in my life. He was not only my kid brother; he was the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be as trusting, as generous and as loving as he was. That's why I joined the force, so others would feel safe to be as wonderful as he was. But that boy was gone. My little brother was gone. And I mourned him. So I did the only thing I could do.” Sango's lips quivered in sorrow. “I hugged him and told him that I was sorry for leaving him, and that I was sorry for ignoring him. I was so sorry that I wasn't there to keep him from getting hurt. But most of all, I was sorry I lost my brother… because I made him lose his sister.”

 

Sango shifted restlessly and grimaced between her tears. Understanding, Kagome shifted back towards the headboard to rest against it, reaching for Sango to do the same. Once Sango was reclining comfortably next to her, Kagome slipped her hand into her friend's and just held it, letting Sango know she was still listening.

 

Sango was silent for a long while. She felt Kagome hold her hand but had made no movement to hold it back. She felt undeserving of such comforts. Her chest burned with such regret and sadness that it began to feel cold. Her throat ached and she couldn't swallow because of the sorrow lodged within it. It felt like a large lump of sharp air that slowly wanted to choke her. It was a struggle to breath as her body tried to instinctively dislodge the pain. But it would not go down easy. Not when her mind fed the agony.

 

Memories of that night were like faded echoes. It seemed so surreal that she often wondered if it ever happened at all. Yet every day she would wake in her storehouse, alone in her mind, knowing that one night was the night she was condemned to hell.

 

The light from the television flicked around the dark hotel room distractedly and faded voices from the set cast the room in an uncomfortable reverie. Sango lifted her eyes to the screen, not really watching it. She wondered if Kagome would ever say anything instead of just sitting there.

 

Her stomach quailed in nervousness of what the younger woman was thinking right now, yet she couldn't bring herself to ask. Hell, nothing in her could even bring her to look at the blue-eyes girl beside her who was strumming her fingers on the inside of her moist palm. Minutes ticked by with no movement or sound from Kagome. Just the rhythmic flow of her fingers against the inside of Sango's hand, and the gradual flick from her sapphire eyes, betraying her casual stance for one in deep thought.

 

It gradually became apparent that Kagome was not going to say anything. Sango knew it was because she was waiting for her to finish what happened that night. Though she would have given everything at that moment for Kagome to say something about anything, her silence spoke volumes. Had Kagome said something now, it would mean that Sango could just stop talking, be able to lead the conversation elsewhere and ignore where she had left off. But that silence left the story on pause, and the air was tense as it anxiously waited for it to continue.

 

Years from now Sango would look back on this night and silently thank the girl who had given her time to grieve and regret without pretence or hollow meanderings of a wounded heart. Whether or not she understood, Kagome was there for her completely, and because of her silence Sango knew she always would be there. And it would just be for her. It seemed selfish to not wish to return the sentiment since she knew Kagome also suffered pains, but misery was not selfless. It was deep and malignant, without hope or care. And Sango wanted to feel selfish then. She wanted it all out of her, all the hatred, anger, fear and pain. And she did not want to share in someone else's.

 

And Kagome understood. Her silence told her so. Words of encouragement or understanding could make things better for the moment, but it would not make the pain go away. Whatever Kagome did, however she was doing it, made Sango feel that after tonight, her burden could just be a little easier to bear. That is… if Kagome truly understood.

 

Sango lowered her eyes to her lap and bit at some loose skin on her lower lip. What seemed like forever and a day, her frail voice finally broke the silence. “I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want him to leave my room. I knew, every part of me knew, that once he left nothing would ever be the same. But I got off of him and watched as he got off my bed and walked out of my room. He never once looked back and he never said a word. All I remember was the sound of the front door closing as he left. And that would be the one moment I wish I could take back. I should have gone after him. I should have tried harder. I should have… I wish I could have done something to stop him. And because I just let him go, I failed him. I failed us all.”

 

Kagome let her eyes drift up to Sango's face and was pained to see how pale and drawn her friend looked. How could it be possible for this woman to feel such self-loathing? Ever since she met the woman, Kagome always saw Sango as tough, unyielding and a warrior in body and mind. Yet the sad thing about such facades, it was often a front to hide the true face. Sango may have been tough, but she was fighting a losing battle within herself. Kagome could only imagine how drained one would become. How could Sango ever think to defeat herself and win? How could she ever move on, when she would forever blame herself for a failure that was never her own? Her thoughts came to a stand still as Sango's dulled voice explained it all.

 

“I woke up that night to the sound of glass shattering and the security alarm going off. I jumped out of bed and ran to see what the hell was going on. The house was dark and I could hear voices as they moved around the living room. I could hear them open drawers and breaking things in their hurry. I was terrified. We were being robbed. I ran into my father's study to call the police. I barely got out our address before I heard someone coming towards the room. The only thought I had was to get my dad's gun from the hidden case in his desk. I got it out and snuck out of his study, intent on taking out who dared to threaten my home. I should have been paying attention. I should have just gotten out of the house. But I was cocky. I thought I had the training. I thought I had the courage. But I didn't even notice the details. I was too intent on following the person that was stuffing our shit into a garbage bag to not hear the person behind me. I didn't know they were there until they knocked me down from behind. I remember falling on the floor and watching the gun skid to the guy's feet in front of me.”

 

Kagome looked down as Sango's fingers curled around her hand, growing tighter and tighter as she spoke. Lifting her eyes back up to the woman's face, Kagome watched as Sango relived the last few moments of her old life.

 

“I should have realized then that someone had turned off the alarm. I was so scared, I didn't notice. If I had, I would have known who was down there. Only three people knew the code to the alarm. But no matter the case, the sounds of police sirens were coming to our house. I heard someone shout, `Grab the gun and shoot the bitch.' I was so surprised to hear it was a woman's voice. I remember being there on the floor thinking that it was funny that I would be so stunned to hear a woman's voice. It's amazing how the mind works when you are in a life and death situation. It seemed so dreamlike. Things even moved in slow motion when I knew they were moving normally.”

 

She swallowed heavily and her voice broke as she continued. “The guy just stood there in the dark, looking down at me. I didn't want to look up at him. My eyes could only see the gun only a few feet away. I kept screaming in my head `Get the fuck up! Get the fucking gun! If they had a weapon they'd kill me already! Get up!' Then I remember my leg jerking out and it just woke me up. I kicked my body up to leap at the gun, but he saw me move and picked it up before I could reach it. In a flash, I saw his face and I felt my whole world grow cold. I never heard the front door slam open, I never heard the gun go off, I never heard the scream I made. But I did hear a body fall.” A solid tear slowly trailed down Sango's face, before several others followed in its wake to fall freely on her chest. “I didn't want to turn around… I didn't want to know who he shot. All I could do was look up at him from the floor, holding my father's smoking gun, as my father's body lay by the front door behind me. All I could do was look up as my little brother, the kid who used to hide under my covers when there was thunder outside, drop the gun and just stare down at me. And the scary thing is, as much as I wanted to see a monster looking back at me, all I could see was him. Kohaku. There was no anger, no hatred, nothing of the boy I hated from the moment I arrived home. It was my brother, the one I always knew. And he was terrified.”

 

Kagome felt her hand shake and tried desperately to hold it in. She was thankful that Sango never noticed since her hand was shaking as well.

 

“He called my name, and I knew he was scared. I knew he didn't mean it. I knew it was just an accident. But I couldn't move from the spot on the floor. And I knew at that moment, I couldn't save him from what happened. So we just looked at each other, not being able to say anything. Instead, I just watched as the woman behind me grab my father's gun from the floor and fire at my father's partner and then aimed the gun at me. But Kohaku pushed her away, screaming at her and knocking the gun from her hands. She just hit him hard across his face, beating him almost senseless, until more sirens came up our street. I will forever remember her face when she looked down at me. She looked so vengeful before she grabbed my brother and ran out the back door.” Sango let go of Kagome's hand and wiped the constant tears that itched her face. “That was the last time I saw him alive.”

 

Kagome's breath hitched in her throat. `Alive?' If her brother was dead, then it definitely couldn't be the Kohaku she knew. The thought both eased her and depressed her all at once.

 

“I was the only witness that saw what happened. I never told them about Kohaku, only describing the woman he was with. After weeks of interrogation and research, they managed to find out her name.” Sango's teeth clenched as she swallowed the bile that rose in her throat. “Kagura Kaze. They knew who she was, but every lead was a fucking dead end. In the meantime, I was left with a house and bills I couldn't afford. So I sold the house and moved in with InuYasha.”

 

“InuYasha?” Kagome asked suddenly, her voice sounding foreign since it was the first time she spoke in the better part of an hour.

 

Sango nodded. “My father and his were best friends growing up. So naturally, I've known InuYasha all my life. He's like a brother to me in a way, and the man who pisses me off most in the world. But he was also the only one I could trust. After what happened, going to stay with him felt like the only thing I could do.”

 

Kagome nodded slightly in understanding. It was amazing how close knit the band really was.

 

“As much as I care for InuYasha, living with him sucked. So as soon as my finances were in order, I moved into the storehouse.”

 

Kagome smiled in spite of herself. She could only imagine how Sango coped living with the temperamental man they knew for however long, especially since they bickered like brother and sister when they were together. Her smile faded softly as she looked up at her friend. “Did you ever finish your training?”

 

Sango frowned darkly as she leaned heavily against the headboard behind her. “No.” She seemed lost in thought for a long while before she spoke again. “I couldn't.”

 

Kagome shifted her body up to get more comfortable, brushing her warm body closer to Sango. “Why?”

 

She sighed. “Because… I lost faith in the law.” She glanced up at Kagome before she dropped her attention to her nails as she picked distractedly at the frayed bits of skin. “They failed to find Kagura, and they failed to find my brother. Luckily, Kohaku was just under missing persons. The fingerprints off the gun were so badly smudged, they could only trace Kagura's. There was no reason to suspect Kohaku, but still, he was gone. And no one knew where he was. So I quit the force and decided to take matters in my own hands. I had a name and that's all I needed. So I hit the streets looking for her. Got into some bad shit trying to find her. It became more than a mission for me, it was my obsession. Finding Kohaku was my life, and nothing was going to stop me from finding him. He was all I had left. InuYasha used to argue blue in the face for me to come to grips and realize that Kohaku was gone. No kid was going to face the world after that. If he wanted to come back, he would. But I knew InuYasha was keeping something from me. That man was as hardhearted as he was hard headed. He couldn't stop me from looking, and he wouldn't help me to find him. So I dropped him from my life. He became a faded face to me. It was at that moment that I was truly alone. The only thing I had left was the hope that Kohaku was safe and alive.

 

“But even that was too much to hope for.” Sango dropped her hands and lowered her body to lie on the bed. She lay still for several minutes before she lifted her eyes to stare numbly up at the ceiling. “I spent the better part of a year searching. I'd work morning shifts at the diner just to get me by. I lived off of scraps from people's leftover dinners. I hardly slept. Every night I'd be out roaming the streets, going into gang territories, barely escaped being raped and killed a few times. It was one of those nights I wondered into a bar searching for Kagura when I started to get molested by a group of punks. As they tried to lead me outside and into an alleyway, InuYasha came from nowhere and knocked them off of me. Only once had I ever seen him look angrier than he was at that moment. He shook me senseless and yelled at me as he dragged me home. I had no tears and I had no arguments to give him. All I could do was try to fight him off, screaming I had to find Kohaku. Then he slapped me.”

 

Kagome's eyes widened as she lowered her body to lie on her side beside Sango. She listened intently as Sango kept talking, seeming too engrossed in the memory to care about anything else around her.

 

“He told me to wake up. Why couldn't I see that chasing Kohaku was a wasted cause? The reason why I hadn't found him was because he was already dead.” A stray tear dropped from Sango's dead eyes, eyes that looked like they had no tears left to shed. “InuYasha knew. The gang he used to hang out in knew of Kagura. She used to frequently go to the same drink holes. She was killed because she left evidence behind to be traced. She was a risk to her clan so she was gotten rid of. And with her, the very kid who made her screw up. Kohaku was dead. He was shot execution style along with Kagura, and his body dumped. And InuYasha knew. He knew for months. And I hated him for lying to me. Why would he say he was dead? Why would he keep screaming it over and over? `Kohaku is dead, your brother is dead, he's dead….' Every time he said it, the more I felt my world grow cold, grey and lifeless. The one thing that kept me going was gone. I had nothing left. When InuYasha stopped yelling, I couldn't move. Hell, I don't even remember going home, I don't remember going to work the next day, and I don't remember living for an entire month. Then, one day, it seemed I woke up. And I knew what I had to do.”

 

Flashback

 

Sango cast her eyes out the diner window. The sun was shining and it was the first warm day of summer. But she couldn't feel the warmth, she couldn't smell the lotions, and she couldn't see the brightness of the day. She held no cheer that her shift was now over and she could go out and enjoy the day. Instead, she walked blindly out of the small diner and onto the sidewalk outside, narrowly missing a group of giggling schoolgirls in plaid skirts as they ran excitedly to the magazine cart ahead.

 

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces

 

It was Friday and people were just getting off of work. Ever since the war ended, Japan had taken on a more European schedule to match up their businesses worldwide. This day held a breath of fresh air as people anticipated a few days off to relax and enjoy life. Yet each face Sango saw were devoid of real smiles, real happiness. It was as fleeting as the days allotted for rest. A momentary lapse before they were forced to begin another week of work and toil. Sango momentarily shut her eyes from it all. But there was no rest for the weary.

Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where

 

Grimacing at the smell of alcohol and mead, she regrettably opened her eyes. She looked around the bar she now stood in. She flicked her eyes around for familiar faces and waited for them to show up. Her eyes drifted to single people sitting at the bar, staring blankly at the television screens. They looked like statues. There was nothing in them.

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression

 

InuYasha wanted her to meet some friends. He said it was about time she got out of her funk and lived a little. She sat in a booth with Miroku and a blue-eyed man by the name of Kouga. InuYasha had an arm slung over a very bitchy looking Kikyo. Each of them were laughing and drinking. It hurt to lift her lips up to bare her teeth in her mockery of a smile. No one noticed. She gazed down into her drink to watch the bubbles flow in constant streams from the bottom of her cup to the surface. It had no flavour. Even its amber hue lacked colour.

Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

 

She lifted her eyes to stare up at her best friend before her, the one she had forsaken though he did not know it. He avoided her gaze, looking everywhere but at her, fingering his silver hair behind an ear before whispering sweet shit into his dealer's ear.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

Sango walked out of the bar with her friends surrounding her. Miroku threw his arm heavily around her shoulder and leaned his inebriated frame heavily on her.

 

“You are the most sexiest woman I have ever seen. I hope our children look like you.”

 

“Children?” Sango stated, though her voice sounded hollow in her head. No one seemed to notice.

 

“If you would do me the honour of bearing them.” His violet eye winked before he tripped over a raised crack in the sidewalk.

 

She might have felt thankful as InuYasha lifted the pervert from her shoulder, yet all she felt was cold seeping in her veins.

 

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

 

“Fuck off, letch. The night's only started and we've yet to get Sango's party off the ground, and you're acting like you're already six feet under.” InuYasha nudged Sango's side with his elbow though she barely felt his touch. “Where to next, San?”

 

“Next?” Sango kept walking forward without any regard to where she was going. “It's two in the morning. I'm going home.”

 

“Why?” He scoffed.

 

“I have to work in four hours.” She recited monotonously, though it was more to her self it seemed.

 

“Work? But today's your birthday.”

 

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take

Sango kept walking. She had forgotten today was her birthday. InuYasha always did this. As soon as midnight struck, he'd spend the whole day with her. Now two hours in, she was ready to end it. “I'm off at three.”

 

InuYasha sighed loudly that sounded oddly enough like a growl. She was making him miss out on fun and he wanted her to feel guilty. Deep down she wanted to feel guilty, but she felt nothing… nothing. “I have Sunday off, so we can get trashed all day and night.” She forced a smile to her lips. “I expect cake.”

 

InuYasha smirked. “Yeah, turning twenty one deserves cake. I'll splurge and get you a fresh one.”

 

It hurt to keep the smile on her face. “How decent of you.”

 

“For my best friend, anything.” He swung an arm over Kikyo's shoulder and led her off in another direction. “See ya later, San. Better be in a better fucking mood.”

 

“How can I not be? Cake and beer.” Sango watched as the gang walked up the road while she stepped blindly down to the subway, glad to end the charade. It was time to go home. There was nothing left to do tonight.

When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world

…Mad world

 

Sango sat in the corner of her warehouse with her back leaning against the cold concrete wall. Her ass felt numb from sitting on the cold tiled floor for what felt like hours, though it could have been minutes for how much time mattered to her now. Today was her birthday, and she fingered her present that rested heavily in her hands.

 

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday

 

It was the day she was supposed to celebrate with family. Cherish the day she was born. Bless the day she came into life. One day, out of three hundred and sixty five, to celebrate her life. Looking down at the black metal clutched in her hands, she fiddled with the hammer, strumming her fingers over the smooth ridges. Would it hurt? Maybe, but at least she'd feel something.

 

And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen

 

She studied the smooth expanse and artistic moulding of the handle. It reminded her of the first time she'd ever held it. It was forbidden to her, and it still felt distant from her. But it was also welcoming.

 

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me

What did her instructor at the Academy say? Keep it clean. Better accuracy and no malfunctions. She cleaned it regularly. Ever since the day she got it back from the evidence locker, she took care of it. Did anyone know it was gone?

 

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

She tipped back the hammer once then rested it back in place. Just teasing it made her body hum with anticipation. Though it was so minute, it was enough to feel over the numbness she was living in.

 

And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

 

She checked the chamber. It was still full, except for two bullets. Both rested in the evidence locker. Pulled from the bodies they claimed. Two innocent shards of metal, stained with only chemical solutions and trace amounts of DNA. They could tell you who they killed and what gun they came from. She could tell you that too, along with every damn detail. She dreamed of that night, every night… every day… every minute. Now only this gave her peace.

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

She lifted the gun slightly to stare down the barrel, entranced by the blackness compared to the darkness of her hollow home. It would be a very loud echo. Did her father wonder about the darkness before the bullet leapt from its depths? Did Kohaku hear the echo before the bullet exited his head? Things she would never know. She couldn't hear their ghosts. Like no one could hear her screaming.

 

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take

 

God, she was tired. She shut her eyes and just let her fingers slip into place. She shivered slightly as the metal slid graciously over her cold hands. They felt like ice against the hard steel. It was funny how she could find comfort and warmth in such a deadly thing, when not even her own body would allow any peace in. It seemed distant, the time when walking down a busy street she could feel peoples' bodies, their warmth, and their living auras. Now, they were like shadows, listless and dull. Nothing existed anymore, and nothing felt real anymore.

When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world

…Mad world

 

Taking one last deep breath, she lowered her head to rest her forehead onto the hollow opening of the barrel. Soon enough it would be quiet and nothing will be like it was. She wondered briefly if there was an afterlife, and if she would be let in it, but at this moment, it didn't matter. To even just be blinked out of existence felt like heaven now, and to her that gave her everything she wanted at that moment.

Enlarging your world…

 

Finger to the trigger.

Mad world….

 

And pull….

 

“Going so soon?”

 

Sango flashed her eyes wide open as her head whipped up. Her hands quickly jerked open from fright when she saw a large figure stand over her before her senses took him in. “InuYasha?”

 

He rested his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “Who else?”

 

Sango lowered the gun and rested it by her side as if it were no more than a book she was reading. “Why are you here?”

 

He eyed the gun warily before searching Sango's sitting form. “It's your birthday. I always spend the day with you.”

 

Sango cast her eyes around the warehouse in confusion. “You left with Kikyo.”

 

He shrugged again. “Walked her back to the car. Bitch owed me for some pot.”

 

Sango nodded but felt there was nothing else to say.

 

InuYasha stood there quietly before his voice mumbled across the warehouse. “You were going to leave without me.”

 

Sango glanced up and felt a slight tremble in her chest from the distant look on his face. He couldn't even look at her now. His gruff eyes glared silently at a crack in the wall. Streetlights from the windows above filtered down on top of him, casting him as if he were on display. It was something she was used to seeing. He loved being in the spotlight. Yet here and now, as he fidgeted with his pockets, she had never seen him look more alone.

 

“I wasn't, I was just….” She murmured.

 

“Deciding to kill me slowly?” His eyes never left the crack in the wall as his voice grew gruff and low.

 

She blinked up at him in slight bewilderment. Didn't he know she was just going to sleep? She gazed down at the gun beside her. No, wait. She was going to shoot her face off. She giggled slightly at the thought. It was the first truthful thing she had thought in God only knows how long. Her giggle stuttered to a close before she breathed out heavily as her numbness settled back in. “I'm tired, InuYasha. Couldn't you see that?”

 

He shifted his amber eyes down to her body. They flicked with unease up and down her form before he lowered his head in a slight nod. “Yeah. I did.” He hiked his pants before crouching down in front of her. “I was just hoping you'd wake up before you decided it was over.”

 

Sango held his gaze briefly before she lowered her head and lifted her knees to her chest. She didn't reply.

 

“But I guess it's my fault… for not being there.” He lowered his head to stare at the floor. “You'd think I would have learned that. If I had, Kohaku would be here right now and I wouldn't be losing another person in my life.”

 

“Kohaku?” Sango rolled her head up slightly as her eyes cast a dark gleam on his silver head. “What does Kohaku have to do with you?” `Liar! Asshole! I wish you were dead instead of him!' Sango blinked at the rage that hit her before it disappeared into her dark cold depths.

 

“When you went off to that school, he used to call me. Wanted to hang out with me.” InuYasha scoffed and looked up at Sango's dead eyes before lowing them back to the floor. He picked up a small stone and rolled it around in his hand. “Like that kid would ever want to intentionally hang out with me. He should've known by then I was the last fucker anyone should hang out with. Said he just wanted someone to talk to. I just laughed. What the fuck could I possibly talk about? So I told him to go to the mall or do some shit that kids do and get some of his own friends to talk to. He said his friends were gone. So what, right? Get some more. Almost eight billion people in this world or some shit. He's bound to find someone else to bother. But I knew what he meant. The kid felt like he didn't belong. I knew I should have been there for him. But fuck, look at me! I'm the last person to be nominated as a Big Brother. You know the shit I deal with. I knew Kohaku shouldn't see that. So I thought I was doing him a favour by blowing him off. I didn't know how bad it was until a few months before you came home.”

 

Sango watched him through heavy lidded eyes. Her little brother needed someone and when she blew him off, he went to InuYasha? It was kind of funny. She wanted to laugh. Kohaku was scared of InuYasha. He was loud, crude, and let's face it, an all around fucking asshole. She felt her body quiver from the cold burn that grew at the bottom of her chest. It had the flavour of agony and fury. Was it so bad that Kohaku was willing to go to InuYasha for help? Why didn't he just go to Dad?

 

She felt her jaw crack and realized she was clenching her teeth hard. How could InuYasha just push him aside like that? He knew her brother needed someone! Why did he just leave him alone? Her body trembled with pent up emotion that she did not want to feel. How could someone forsake her little brother just because he was too wound up in his own problems. She didn't want to address the fact that she was the one at fault, that she was the one he needed, and she pushed him so easily aside for her own happiness. She wanted someone else to take the blame so that she could feel something, so she could get revenge, so she could have a purpose again, even if it was in anger.

 

“Why weren't you there for him?” Her voice quivered under the strain. `Why wasn't I there for him?'

 

“I didn't know how.” InuYasha murmured. “Kohaku was a great kid, the best in my books. He didn't need to see what I really was. He wanted me to be someone he could look up to.”

 

Sango watched him warily. She knew him well enough that if he could have done something, he would have. Did he truly think he was that far gone that he couldn't even let her little brother into his life? She lowered her eyes. Would she have wanted her little brother to be with InuYasha? Knowing what he was? No. She would never trust InuYasha with her kid brother. And she hated him for it.

 

“You could have stopped. You could have cleaned yourself the fuck up…. You couldn't have been something he could look up to….” She stopped suddenly, realizing her Freudian slip.

 

InuYasha looked up at her, his face slightly pale as he nodded. He wasn't about to deny it. “I could have, but I didn't want to. Getting clean so I'd feel better for a kid to hang around with me wasn't on my mind. I thought Kohaku was a strong kid. He'd make friends and do whatever. How the fuck could I know that he'd get in the wrong crowd? His life wasn't all that bad.”

 

“Neither was yours.” Sango bit out.

 

InuYasha winced and opened his mouth to yell before he stopped himself. “My life was nothing like his. I got issues, I know that, but he had nothing like I had.”

 

“Bullshit, InuYasha!” Sango jumped to her knees to face him directly. “You don't think we suffered? You don't think we mourned when your dad died? You don't think being terrified day in and day out would make us any less damaged than you are? He needed someone! And he asked for you and all you did was tell him to go to the fucking mall!”

 

“I know that!” InuYasha spit out. “You think I don't know that? You think I don't live a fucking day wondering if I had just taken him out for ten fucking minutes that he'd be here right now? Damn it, Sango, you think I didn't try to get him out of that fucking gang?!”

 

“What?” She slowly lowered her butt down to her heels as shock set in. `Gang?'

 

He shook his head bitterly. “Got a call from him a few months before you came home. Fucker asked me to help him start dealing. Said he needed the money. I told him to fuck off. What did he need money for? Your dad made enough. Said he owed someone. Said if he didn't get it, he'd be in trouble. It was then I realized he was serious. I didn't know what sort of shit he was into, but I wasn't about to let him get too tied in. I needed to get him out. So I told him I'd make a few calls.”

 

Sango seethed and InuYasha hurried his story, worried at seeing her fists ball up tightly.

 

“I didn't call to get him set up. I called my buds to ask what shit he got himself into. Found out he got into some serious dealers. And he owed a lot of money. The man he was tied in with was not a man to take lightly. If you crossed him, your life was worth shit. I couldn't leave Kohaku to suffer like that. So I went to his dealer and paid his debts. But I didn't have enough. So I made a deal.”

 

Sango couldn't stop the shivers that coursed through her body. “InuYasha… you didn't.”

 

“I told Naraku I'd settle the odds. He hooked me up with Kikyo, so I took over his debt. Sent Kohaku to Sesshomaru to get cleaned up and be safe. Your father didn't need to know. As far as he should be concerned, Kohaku was just being a fucking teenager with drama problems. Whenever the kid had a problem now, he always went to Sesshomaru. He was better off there. Spent days there at times if he needed it. He was a good kid, Sango. He got through it.” He shrugged. “I thought he did at least, from what Sess told me. Thought I managed to get Kohaku out of the picture, only to hear one night he kills his father while robbing his own fucking house.”

 

He stopped suddenly at the sound of a choked sob from Sango.

 

“Why didn't you fucking tell me?!” She screamed suddenly at him.

 

“He was your brother, Sango! Was that something you wanted to know?” He lowered his head. “I thought if I got him out, cleaned him up, and took care of the problem, things would go back to how they were. Your family was happy and that's what mattered. This shouldn't have happened and if I was there in the beginning, it wouldn't have.”

 

His head was knocked back suddenly as she punched him hard across his face. He fell back with her thrashing form on top of him, beating him wherever her fists could reach. He made no move to stop her, only covering his body instinctively as she beat him for everything she was worth.

 

“You fucking asshole! You should have been there! You should have fucking been there! He looked up to you! He came to you when he had nothing else! How could you just leave him there to die! How could you leave him!” She screamed. Her voice echoed shrilly across the warehouse before her body slumped from the wracking sobs it succumbed to.

 

With shaking hands, InuYasha lifted his arms and wrapped them around her body. He winced as he sat up from the floor, sniffing slightly to slow the blood that streamed from his busted nose. Holding her body tightly against his chest, he began to rock her back and forth, not able to do anything else.

 

“I should have been there.” She whispered. “He needed me. I should have been the one to take care of him.”

 

“You did, San. You were there his whole life.” InuYasha turned his face to the side so his blood wouldn't drip onto her hair as he rested his head against hers. “He had to realize that he needed to be there for himself. You are not to blame for the choices he made.”

 

Sango whimpered into his tear stained shirt. “Why didn't you tell me…?”

 

“Because….” InuYasha sighed. “Because it wasn't safe for you to know. If I told you, you would have gone after Naraku. And I couldn't have you die like that. You're my best friend… and you're all I have left.”

 

Hearing his words made the cold numbness in her burn and her body doubled over in sobs. “Why?”

 

“You would have wanted to save him. You would have tried to take over his debt. Had you known, you would have done what I did. But you wouldn't have survived it.” He closed his eyes and frowned in pain as he tried to breath through his broken nose. “It took me the better part of a year, but I got his debt settled. But by that time, I was too far gone into it to get out. So I'm stuck for life. This is my fate. And I don't regret it for one second. If I had to do it again to save Kohaku, I would have.”

 

“…Yasha….” She rasped through a broken sob. “How can I… how could you have… what can I do…?”

 

He shrugged and hissed as his body protested the movement. He grimaced in pain as he struggled to speak. “Make me lots of money so I can pay him off, move away, and start over under my new name Rory B. Longfellow.”

 

Sango grinned in spite of herself, not paying heed to the pain he was in. She rested her head deeper into his shoulder “What's the `B' stand for?”

 

InuYasha snickered but coughed slightly as thick blood dripped down his throat. He grinned despite the discomfort. “Big…. Did I tell you it was my porn name?”

 

Sango busted laughing, though it was choked under her sobs as they urged up from her chest. She began to cry again and it grew harder than she had ever cried in her life. Her wails and choked sobs echoed throughout her makeshift home. It was the sound of bottled grief and torment finally released, and she spewed it forth like a tidal wave. Her poor body shuddered under the strain. The slight fear that she was going to be torn apart from it all was suddenly contained as great arms held her tightly and never once let her go.

 

They sat there for a long time after her voice gave out. InuYasha rocked her back and forth, stroking her hair, while Sango stared dumbly at the far wall as her tears flowed unchecked. Kohaku made the wrong choices and so many suffered because of it. Now all that remained were two shattered friends who carried the weight of his actions and his loss. They weren't alone in their misery, not any more.

 

Sango let her eyes drift to the gun in the corner. She still didn't feel whole, and the world still looked pale, but at least now she had something left to hold onto. She had InuYasha. And she would spend her life repaying him for what he did. He gave up his freedom to save her family. Even though it was in vain, she knew the cost of his actions. And she would forever try to free him of it.

 

End Flashback

 

Sango shifted her legs up to her chest as she lay on her side. She was quiet for several minutes before she lifted her tired eyes to look up at Kagome. She stared transfixed as she watched trails of tears stream graciously from Kagome's closed eyes. Her damp lashes swept softly on her flushed cheeks and her lips held no trace of feeling. If Sango could describe it, she looked like an angel in repose aside from the casual tear that pearled out from her hidden eyes. At first, Sango thought she might have been sleeping, before Kagome opened her eyes to reveal diamond blue pools of emotion.

 

There was no pity in them, there was no sympathy, there was nothing to associate that the girl held any means of relating to what Sango had told her. No. Her eyes told more. Kagome's eyes reflected Sango's pain, as if she was there to suffer with her, and had seen and felt it all with her. In her eyes, Sango could see her own hurt, and she knew Kagome. And Kagome knew her.

 

Sango's eyes looked deep into Kagome's. They both knew what it felt like. Both knew the deepest despair and the darkest fears. Both have lived it, and now shared in it.

 

Kagome lowered her eyes briefly before she lifted them back up again to meet Sango's. Yes. She knew that pain. Yes. She felt. …Yes. She had lived it.

 

Sango blinked heavily as her lips parted slightly to let out a small huff in aching question. “How did you survive?”

 

Kagome's eyes seemed to soften as her lips curved in a slight smile. Her gaze shifted to look at everything though they never wavered from one spot. They seemed to be filled with such wonder and benevolence before they moved back to Sango in kindness. They seemed to be alight with childish laughter and happiness, as if she knew of secrets that were right in front of her. “I believed.”

 

“I don't understand.” Sango shut her eyes as exhaustion ebbed at her soul.

 

Kagome's eyes slowly drifted down to watch as she laced her fingers into Sango's hand. She shifted her body closer to Sango, so that their joined hands were held warmly between their chests. She lifted her eyes once more to look into supplicating cinnamon depths. “It begins right here.” She held Sango's hand more tightly, pushing it to rest against her friend's heart. “To find the strength to bring it here.” She pulled their hands to touch her own heart before resting their hands between them once more. “And trusting it to stay here.”

 

Sango gazed down to their joined hands and slowly tightened her fingers in the hold.

 

“It still hurts… so much.” She whispered.

 

“It will, for awhile.” Kagome whispered back.

 

Sango lifted her eyes to meet serene blue. “Will it ever go away?”

 

Kagome's eyes shifted slightly, letting the quiet sadness she held surface. “Not all of it. But I've come to see that I needed to feel it.” She lowered her head to look at their hands. “Because I rather feel pain than nothing at all.”

 

Sango shifted her gaze to their hands and both stared at them for the longest time before she spoke. “Sometimes… most times, that's all I feel.”

 

Kagome nodded softly. “The pain that you feel can only heal,” she lifted her head to gaze her shy knowledgeable eyes at her friend, “by living. And living for the betterment of you.”

 

Sango raised her head in sadness to look at Kagome.

 

“Then they can go on living.” Kagome's lips curved slightly in a sad smile.

 

Rosy lips opened to let out a soft sob before Sango closed her eyes and clasped Kagome hard against her.

 

Softly, Kagome wrapped her arms around her friend and stroked her soft dark hair as she cried silently. It was a hard pill to take to understand that the only way to move on was to face the demon that followed you. Otherwise, life was no more than just living. Getting one day over with before facing a new one. But Kagome understood that at times it was the only way to survive the pain. It took a strong heart to endure that monotonous necessity day in and day out. Yet any heart would succumb to weariness and defeat if there were never hope of end in sight. It was then one had to realize you either faced the pain or let it consume you.

 

Kagome knew. She knew first hand how easy it would have been to let her self drown in her sorrow until she was as hollow as the bodies she buried. But they wouldn't let her. Kaede, her friends, all of those she met since then had brought her back and showed her hope. Everyone had suffered tragedy. Everyone has suffered pain, pain so strong you couldn't even breathe because you knew if you did, you'd feel it take over you.

 

Kagome shut her eyes. That kind of pain charged through your body like stabbing shocks. That kind of pain made you relive that moment over and over. That pain made you think of regrets, failures and hatred. That pain was so intense, it was understandable why people would shut down, not wanting to face it.

 

But you had to.

 

Or it would kill you. Death was not a body devoid of a heartbeat. It was the end of life. So many walked around without souls, like living dead. They felt pain, and they carried it behind them like a chained boulder, ignoring the weight they dragged. Everyone gets tired. Everyone stumbles and even fall. But the one thing that defined strength was the knowledge that it was a matter of getting up at least one more time than you have fallen.

 

And yes, sometimes it was impossible. Sometimes just laying there in death, waiting for eternal rest, was what you wanted. But if you looked up and saw past the shadow, you would see people standing around you. They're waiting for you to reach out, so they can take your hand and lift you.

 

That choice was the hardest she had to make. It involved swallowing pride, something she never even knew she had. It took admitting defeat and acknowledging others saw it. It required she let it all go, the one shred of decency she had left in her, to give her the strength to take the hand that reached for her and letting them carry her until she had the power to stand.

 

It took a long time for her to get back on her feet. She lived in selfish wants and self-pity. And they understood. She needed time to bring herself back into her, to put all the pieces back together. And they gave her time. She grew frustrated and hurtful and hateful when time mocked her progress. And they gave her endless love. And she took it. She swallowed it like a black hole, feeling she could never be sated. She absorbed their life into herself, but never once returned the effort because she needed it all. And they never judged. Instead they patiently waited. Then one day she stepped out of her room, the prison she created for the better part of a year, and she breathed. She could smell sweet food cooking. She could hear them in the house laughing in happiness. She could see them as clear as day, no longer faded shades. And though she did not feel complete, she felt human again. And she was ready to walk on her own. But this time, she knew she wasn't walking alone.

 

And in time, she let someone else take her chain, to take her boulder away. And she had faith that hope did exist. And that family was more than blood. And love did conquer all. And she understood then what God really was. It was life. It was living. It was feeling. It was heart. It was love. And it all began here… in believing that these things existed and that they were good.

 

Kagome opened her eyes to watch Sango fall into a deep slumber within her arms. Holding the girl tighter, she softly kissed her brow. Whether or not Sango knew it, it was the first step in healing. Whether or not she acknowledged it, she felt the potential of what Kagome believed God to be.

 

Love has no boundaries. Even in death it survives and connects. Love was the one thing that determined life. Its existence made the world brighter and filled with wonder. Its betrayal made the world pale and devoid of hope. Sango had thought she had lost the love from her family, thus lost the will to live for their love. It was a hard road to walk in such shadow, and an even harder task to break free from it, especially if all one does is relive the past.

 

The past could be such a resentful companion. As much as anyone would care to cast it away, it always had a way of haunting you. What could possibly be said to help? What could possibly be done to recapture the grace and will to carry on? The only answer Kagome had was this: to love without reason, want or creed. But though it can be said as an easy answer, its action was far from it.

 

She sighed as she felt her body sag from weariness. It had been a long day and an even longer night. Her body screamed for sleep, but her conscience had one more thing it needed to do.

 

Sliding her arms softly from Sango's body, Kagome gingerly got up off the bed, making sure her friend was resting peacefully. Looking around, she hastily grabbed her cell phone and her pair of sneakers. Checking to see that she had her card key, she slipped from the room and out into the hallway. She shivered slightly from the draft outside her room, and from the fact she was only wearing a t-shirt and pyjama pants. Donning her sneakers quickly, Kagome stepped quietly to the stairwell and down its flights of steps until she reached the main lobby.

 

Opening her cell, she flicked quickly down the row of saved numbers before choosing one and letting the call connect. She anxiously looked around the empty lobby and smiled briefly at the concierge and the security guard who were talking softly to each other by the large oak desk. Turning her back to them, she fidgeted in nervousness as she waited for the other person on the line to pick up. What seemed like a million rings, a groggy voice croaked into her ear.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hojo.” Kagome sighed in relief.

 

“Kagome?” Hojo sounded a bit more alert, though very confused. “It's three in the morning. Is everything okay?”

 

“Yes, well no, well sort of, I mean….” She growled to herself and let out a huff in annoyance. “I need you to do something for me.”

 

“Sure, anything. What do you need?” She smiled slightly as he yawned loudly in her ear.

 

“I need you to look up a name for me. I need it by Saturday at the latest.”

 

“Why? Who is it you're looking for?”

 

Kagome bit her lower lip nervously as she ducked herself closer to the wall of the lobby. “Chihaya Kohaku. ”

 

“Kohaku? Our Kohaku?” Hojo rose up from his bed in surprise.

 

“Maybe.” Kagome lowered her eyes to the ground. She hoped she was right about all this.

 

“I don't know, Kagome, we've been down this road before trying to find information for him. I don't see how this would be any different.”

 

Kagome held back the butterflies circling in her stomach. “You might have to call Bank at the crime lab. His name maybe under….”

 

“Under?” Hojo frowned as he struggled to find a working pen.

 

“Under criminal case files….” Kagome grimaced slightly as she lowered her voice into the receiver.

 

Hojo was silent for a few moments. “You mean…?”

 

“Maybe. I won't know for sure unless Bank checks it out. This situation might be under classified, which could explain why we never found out anything. Please, just call Bank and ask him to do a search.”

 

“I'll call him first thing, Kagome.”

 

“Thanks, Hojo. You have such a good heart.”

 

Hojo smiled at her praise and could almost see the small smile she held for him. “I'll tell him you need it when you get home on Saturday. I know he won't be able to make any promises, but once I tell him it's for you, I'm sure he'd have something at least.”

 

Kagome's smile turned brighter. “Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for calling you so late.”

 

“Hey, for you, anything. When you get home you're going to have to tell me how you came up with this name.”

 

Kagome laughed softly. “Only if you give me what I need.”

 

“Then I anxiously await Saturday.” Hojo smiled.

 

Kagome giggled. “Then I'll see you Saturday.”

 

“Night, Kagome. And good luck tonight.”

 

“Thanks. Night.”

 

Kagome clicked her phone shut and sighed slightly in relief before she turned around and almost knocked into a hard chest.

 

Looking up, she was stunned to see liquid gold burn into her. “InuYasha?”

 

 

 

 

 

A/N - Mad World, by Gary Jules. One of many songs to bring out my inner torments.

 

 

And as you can tell I'm going to end this chapter here. I had continued it for another six pages, but after working on it for two weeks, I felt it was way too long, and that ending it at this point was better than I had originally ended the chapter.

 

After reading this chapter I hope you can understand why I took so long writing it. Hell, I hope you understand why it took so long for me to start writing it. Just getting into my new job, working massive amounts of overtime and trying to get finances settled, the last thing I wanted to do was dredge up those feelings. It involved thinking back on how I felt and thought. It also involved memories of how it all transpired. It was mentally, physically and spiritually exhausting. But I got it down. And it feels okay. To be honest I started this chapter over six weeks ago, and deleted it seven times until I finally got this one started. And even then so much was changed and reworded until I thought, fuck it, tell it like it is and how I felt. Though I could never get down to the darkest points, for nothing could ever describe it, but I am sure most know the feeling, I hope my chapter got to the heart of Sango's pain.

 

I also hope that those who have felt or are feeling this way now know they are not alone. Many are out there who can help. And I am one of them. I never turn down a friend, and I consider all who have shared in my story, read my words and felt with me during this time, as friends. If you do need someone to talk to, I hope you know you can at least reach me. I email everyone who leaves a review or PM's me and I have kept contact with many of you through email. I will never turn you away. I've been there, and am thankful for those who were there for me. I share a bond with them stronger than anyone else.

 

On a lighter note, everyone now knows Kohaku's past. As most, if not all of you have guessed, he is the one and the same, and I am sure the chapter of the coming Saturday will be eagerly anticipated. So I'll have you know with this hurtle over and done with I hope to have many more chapters written this holiday season.

 

Wishing you all happy dreams, warm wishes and all the love in the world. Have a wonderful Christmas. No matter what faith or idea of this season, it is a time for family and friends. It is a time where no one should be alone, and I hope with this knowledge you know you are never alone.

 

Later days! WDW