InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Gamble ❯ Chapter Four ( Chapter 4 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Heh… that time of my life was filled with some really fucking dumb mistakes… really fucking stupid.

In my mind, right then, it came down to one thing.

What if he didn't fuck up like I did?

...I dropped my cigarette, and began my calm trek over to him.

It was like walking the gauntlet… every single one of my muscles were taunt, and ready for the kill.

I wanted blood for the injustice I felt I was suffering.

…For my stupidity.

…For my guilt.

…For my ignorance.

…For my shame.

I would lay it all on him, and redeem myself. Prove myself stronger. More worthy for Kagome.

This wasn't the feudal times though.

Heh…

… that's not how things worked then.

People sometimes joked about how I always thought with my fists. Maybe I belonged in the Sengoku Jediai.

Well, it was the modern age. There was no reason to dwell on that then.

I approached him.

His eyes went wide, and he looked like he was about to protest.

I think he even said, `Wait… it's not what you think…'

But all I could figure was that... Yeah.

It was exactly what I thought.

I took him down with a vicious right hook.

He fell to the ground.

I mounted him, and took turns alternating my fists. Punch with the left. Punch with the right.

He lifted his arms to try and block them.

It was pretty fucking useless by then.

Blood was pouring down his head by the time the administrators pulled me off of him.

They were all fire and brimstone with me, screaming and yelling about my stupidity. How I was coming close to the end of the line… blah blah blah..

I didn't give a shit.

You're gonna be tickled pink with my punishment though.

A week out of school suspension.

Isn't that fucking hilarious?

I'm running on the line, and they throw me out of school for a week?

Boo fucking hoo?

Hell, I've skipped school for a fucking week straight before, and I had only done it the week before too. Think I'm gonna be upset by it?

No.

Think my father is gonna give a shit?

No.

He signed the fucking paper for it shit-faced anyway.

I turned it in, and strolled out of that place fucking pissed as hell. I spent that entire week blitzed… as well as the week after that… I got suspended again for being drunk at school. And spent the next two weeks of my suspension drunk anyway.

I ended up disappearing for about a month straight. That month of my life doesn't even register in my memory… it's just kind of… gone…

I can't even explain it right.

It's like… it just doesn't exist for me anymore…

It's weird. I can't really describe it.

I made sure I was fucked up every moment of every day that entire month… and pretty much the month after that too…

…and the month after that…

And for months on end, they just fell off the calendar like some weird nightmare.

I saw Kagome around school…

We never talked.

I would see her looking at me from across the courtyard. She wouldn't even pay attention to Kouga and his buddies…

She'd just sit there and stare at me.

And I'd sit there with Miroku or Sango, or more often than not alone at that point in time… and stare right back.

And drink out of a water bottle filled with half water, half vodka I brought to school regularly.

She knew what it was.

I knew she did.

She even came up to me one morning, and tugged it from my hand and said, `Why don't you give it up?'

I just remember saying, `The same reason you won't give him up. He makes your life worth living, doesn't he?'

She let it go then.

And she looked so sad…

…I had a talent for doing that.

Making those eyes shine like twilight.

It was like some stupid, morbid poetry or something.

It was twistedly beautiful.

Because it was done all on my own.

…

She told me then, I didn't know what I was talking about.

That it was completely different.

And yeah, I guess it was.

He didn't hurt her.

She was with him, because he didn't shatter her to pieces.

He didn't make her wait.

But in the end, it made her life a little easier.

It drowned out the pain, and everything associated with it.

Just like the drinking did.

It drowned out my mistakes.

It drowned out Kikyo.

It drowned out Kagome.

It drowned out my father, my mother, my brother…

Hell, it drowned out my life.

I didn't give a shit.

I did what I wanted.

That was me. That was my life. That was my escape.

Don't be a prisoner to life, when I'm a prisoner in my own mind.

And that was my philosophy.

…and let me tell you, what a shitty way to live life.

When you have no boundaries, no morals…you have nothing. Rules are different from principals, and principals set boundaries… and boundaries don't make you feel like shit. Boundaries keep you from going out of control, and keep you from loosing that thin grasp on reality everyone has. Just one slip can make you loose that, and I know that is a fact.

I lived it.

I even began to lie to myself… but fortunately that didn't last long.

When I lied to myself, and told myself Kagome wasn't worth it… that she was nothing but a traitorous bitch… that was the line.

I was sitting on my bed, about four months after I had beat the shit out of Kouga… on my bed, with a bottle of whiskey in my hand…

It was like some sort of revelation. One of those life changing epiphanies that make you realize something.

…it made me realize what a complete bastard I really was.

When I thought that about that perfect angel… Kagome… who had never wronged me, despite all the years I had wronged her by then…

I wanted to die.

For betraying her so very many times.

And yet she kept coming back to me… even then, she watched me from afar… and I could see it, by the look in her eyes… she hurt for me.

Because I hurt.

And I hurt because I hurt her…

...What a vicious fucking cycle.

I remember looking down at the bottle of whiskey I had in my hand… it was still half full…

I remember noticing the gleam on the bottle, the way the alcohol swirled around a bit in the glass…

And I tilted my head back, and drank it all down.

It burned so bad… but it felt so good.

I went to my private stash… and drank.

And drank.

… I didn't stop.

I didn't want to stop.

But no matter how much I drank, it seemed the pain wouldn't cease.

I wanted to drink until my world as black as the hole in my heart and I had faded away…

And I did.

I blacked out…

I don't remember how much I drank.

I don't know what stupid things I did that night.

But when I woke up the next morning…

I was out in my front yard, without my shirt on. I was slightly cut up and bruised up, and my head felt like it was literally ready to split in two.

Other than that, I felt completely numb.

I trudged upstairs, and I remember my father had passed out on the floor.

It didn't matter.

I put my hand against the wall and left a bloody print there…

That didn't matter either.

I went to my room.

It was too clean… too neat. Too orderly.

I remember watching my hand move… it was like watching someone else do it…

I grabbed my lamp, and threw it against the wall.

When someone speaks of out of body experiences, they mean you feel as if you're watching a movie, watching someone else's life play through their eyes. It's like being stuck in a different mind, different reality and watching from behind a glass wall.

I threw my chair over, ripped up my bedsheets, threw my dresser drawers on the ground.

I threw my cologne bottle on the floor, tore the pictures and posters down from the walls.

I broke my mirror with my fist… blood splattered everywhere.

But…

...it was all okay…

Because it all should have been chaos.

Because that was the way my mind was.

The world should reflect my torment… and if anything, my sanctuary would show my bleeding soul.

I broke every breakable thing possible… and when I reached the last item, a picture frame, I just very nearly broke it.

But when I got a good look at it, just when I was about to throw it… it was Kagome.

I swear, all the feeling in my legs went and I just fell. There's nothing more to it than that. I was so spent, so tired, I just fell.

And I remember thinking, I had desecrated everything related to her enough.

This didn't need to be added to that list.

….

I sat, staring at the picture for a long time.

She was just smiling at me… so genuinely.

She didn't smile like that anymore for me those days…

And… I don't even recall doing it.

But before I knew it, I was bawling like a child on the floor.

I hated me.

I hated my life.

Because the worst fact about my life was that I was still living it.

I stayed prone like that in my room for a number of days I don't even recall.

I knew I couldn't stay like this…

Was I to confront everything…

Or was I to leave it all behind, and just let go of my life?