InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ What Are You? ❯ Chapter Nine: Lost in Confusion ( Chapter 9 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter Nine

Lost in Confusion

I remained lost in my own confusion for the remainder of the day. In fact, I didn't move from the spot that Naraku had kissed me for over an hour. Not like I had never just stopped moving and did nothing for an extended period of time (with Jaken as my witness), but never really because of shock. Things rarely shocked or surprised me. But this… I just didn't know what to do, or what to say… And then, I realized that the only sort of thing I knew to respond to was action-oriented. My reactions were sharp, and I knew what to say in political, persuasion (in the form of threats), and things along those lines, but in matters of physical or emotional contact (outside of bodily harm), I was a novice. At least that hadn't been my first kiss…

I could just ignore the entire thing, as if it had never happened. Somehow, I doubted that would work though. Ah, well. He would be dead soon enough anyway. So… Why not use him?

Once the thought entered my mind, I couldn't shake it off. It was delicious, because it was so outlandish. I hated him, but the idea of using him was captivating. Oh, why not? For some reason, I could think of no reasons as to why I shouldn't go after him right now…

I scowled at the thought, stubbornly sitting down, leaning my back against the tree behind me. I wasn't going after him.

“Why not?” half of me demanded. The other half—my pride, primarily—floundered for a good reason, before finally thinking of a few. Because I hate him. Then use him. Because the idea of him is disgusting. Why? That one surprised me, even as I thought it. It wasn't like he was ugly, smelled bad, or was just generally unsavory. Most would argue with that, but I saw no reason as to why that was. What was wrong with slaughtering demons and humans? Absolutely nothing. It was nothing I had not done. So, why did I hate him again? I blinked as I recalled why—Rin. He had threatened Rin's life. If not for that, I would have no problems with him. Then again, Rin was just another human. As much as it saddened me, she would be dead in around forty years anyway. I didn't want to think about that, though.

I tried to push this idea away—to go to Naraku. But the idea was driving me utterly mad. And I wanted to kill him for that part too. But I could use him first. He was right; it was pathetic that I was this old and still a virgin, and I wasn't going to lose it any time soon otherwise—I liked being a guy too much. And Naraku already knew anyway. And I was just going to kill him in any case. There was really no reason not to do this except my own pride. Of course, usually that was reason enough for me.

But this was strange. I wanted to kick my pride to the side this time. Was I really pushing aside my pride, anyway? Not really. I didn't think so. Why did I think that? I had never second-guessed myself either. What was happening to me?

I was going insane, wasn't I? Too many people had found out about my gender-queer problems and my brain had responded by politely damning myself to hell. Fuck, it doesn't really matter any more, does it?

Why should I pass this up, anyway?

I looked up at the sky. He had left me a clear path to follow, staying close to the trees, where his scent would stay a bit longer. I hesitated, then rose to my feet, following the scent like a bloodhound.