InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Windows on the West ❯ In His Steps ( Chapter 36 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Inuyasha.

~oOo~

In his true form once more, Sesshoumaru patrolled the area surrounding his pack's resting place.  But it was a peaceful night, with nothing threatening anywhere in the region, and so, he allowed his mind to wander, even as he kept his senses open just in case.

So much had happened in the last two months since Kagome had returned, and he was now left trying to assimilate it all.  He had not realized how much would have changed just by her having aged a few short years into full adulthood.

He could not help but to recall his father – and his father's obsession with the human hime, Izayoi.  Looked at objectively, which he had never been able to do before now, the woman had been beautiful, like the miko was, and not objectionable in her manner.  

She had also been warmer than his mother, and he could now say that he could understand his father's desire for such a thing.  But... why is it that the bitches of our kind are so cold, yet the males are not?  Is it something in us... a weakness that shows itself in the need for emotion and warmth?

Weakness.  

It was a word he despised.  He'd spent all of his life trying to make sure he had none, pushing anything away except power and personal strength on the road to Supreme Conquest.  Ironic that it had been the very woman on his mind now that had so thoroughly changed that desire... and all with a few words.

Something in him tightened as he remembered that fateful day that Naraku had killed her.  Her words before she'd passed had struck deep, and he'd been unable to get them out of his mind, no matter how much he'd wanted to.

“Silly youkai, if power is so important, tell me... once you take over the world, what will you do then?  When you have nothing left to prove to anyone, and no one there to care for... what will you do?”

It was almost amusing that her words in so many ways were reminiscent of the last words his father had spoken to him from among the living.  True, the words themselves were different – but the meaning behind them was the same, and it had never been more apparent than it was now that he was far more like his father than he'd ever thought.  Than he'd ever wanted to be.

It had appalled him that a being of such power would lose his life to protect a human woman – one who wouldn't live more than a few decades, squandering his own centuries in doing so.  And it had angered him that he would do such a thing as give up his life, and leave his wife and heir behind with no thought to them at all.

Or his responsibilities.  After all, he'd left the Western Lands in turmoil with an heir that was really too young to take over the mantle of Lord.  He'd had no choice, however, and the anger he'd felt at his father's seeming abandonment of all that he'd had, and his very honor, as well, had made sure that for all the time since his death, his oldest son had made himself into something rivaling his mother for coldness.  All to ensure that he did not turn out like his father.

And all it had taken was one tiny human female to melt centuries of ice.  Although... he could still say that he wasn't entirely like his father... he had, after all, already realized that Kagome was not Izayoi.  She was not soft and afraid of life outside a palace, and she certainly wasn't such a short-lived flower.  Nor was she powerless...

Still... in the end, none of that changed that he had set foot on the same path his father had wandered down so many years before, and he hadn't even noticed until it was far, far too late to turn back.

Tilting his great head to stare at the crescent moon hanging low in the night sky, he remembered back to the day the fates of he and the lands he now ruled had changed.  

The day his father had met Izayoi, and set his first steps onto the road that had ended in his death.

She was much like Kagome in her manner, I can see that now.  It was her compassion that caught his attention first – she was a puzzle to him, as the miko is to me.

They had been on patrol together, his father training him for the duties he would one day inherit, when they had come upon the scene of what had been a bandit attack on some human nobleman's carriage.  But it hadn't been a male inside, and they had both watched as a woman, obviously a hime, had immediately attempted to take care of several of her servants who had been injured in the fighting.  It was clear that she was not about to abandon those who were very dangerously injured as most nobles would have.

He, himself, had been caught by surprise at her actions... but had not had the reaction that his father had.  His sire had been fascinated, watching until a large group of soldiers burst onto the scene, obviously having been summoned by a servant sent to report the attack to the hime's family.  And then, when they had escorted her home, his father had followed... wanting to see where she came from.

He had been confused at his father's actions.

“Father, what does it matter what the humans do?  Should we not continue on our patrol?”

His father had looked at him after a moment with an odd expression in his eyes.  “Do you not find it strange, Sesshoumaru, that the female would act in such a way?  She almost acted as an alpha male would act in caring for those he considered pack – yet humans do not have pack instincts.”

And the same thing that had caught his father, had also trapped him... curiosity, and the need to understand a being that was different than what his experience had told him she should be.

She did not fit his preconceptions of humans, making him have a need to figure out why... and thus had come his own downfall.

He could not say he was sorry – at least, not any longer.

It had taken a long time to see what she had become to him, and in some ways, it was still so hard to believe.  And here he was, now contemplating doing something he'd never thought he'd ever do... court a female.  A human female, at that.

But when all was said and done, he would never be willing to let her go to anyone else - so he would take her for himself.

In a gust of wind and light, he fell back into his human form, and stared solemnly out at the vast night sky arcing beautiful and silent above him.  “And so this Sesshoumaru has fallen into the very vice that took his great father,”  he murmured.   “It is a blow to my pride, true.  That this one could be proven so very wrong... even though I still do not care for the majority of humans, it does not mean that there are none that are worthy.”   

His mind wandered then, over the few that had at least some worth... Kohaku, the young human not very much older than Rin who had fought as best as he could against Naraku, and had managed what very few humans had in staying out of his complete control.  

And his sister, the taijiya.  Though he still had some small upset that she had intended to kill Rin when they were fighting Naraku, he could understand the choice she was making – had he been in the same position in order to save Rin, he would have killed another, as well.  He could not begrudge her her priorities, as he also had his own.  And she had admitted her intentions and submitted to the possibility of death at his hands with honor and courage that few youkai could even claim.

The monk, as well, in his own way, lecher though he was, also.  Carrying a curse that would have meant his death, yet he had fought on, not letting it stop him, and showed loyalty and honor to his pack mates.  Even the old miko of the village – she was unlike any other miko he'd come across – save Kagome.

And of course, Rin... his little human child.  The first one to truly reach inside and see him for who he was.  She never asked anything of him, and followed him with devotion; no matter the circumstances, she had always believed in him.

Kagome.  

Just her name was enough to derail his thoughts.  She was still the biggest enigma to him.  More than any other human, or indeed, youkai, he still did not understand her heart.  That she had one, and its pure and untainted will to love, was no longer unknown to him.  But how she could remain so, with all that she had seen and done?  It was unfathomable to him, and probably always would be.

But just because he did not understand her, was no reason to hide from his... feelings.  He thought that word with a small scowl of distaste.  He still rather disliked admitting that he even had them, but he wasn't about to lie to himself.  And he would never, ever, be beaten out by a small human female for courage – even when it came to admitting something so... disturbing.  If she had the courage to show her heart so openly to all around her, then he could do no less, at least sharing his heart with her, who already held it, anyway.

He was so caught up in his thoughts, that he subconsciously ignored the sound of small footsteps scurrying towards him, until she spoke from right behind him.

“Sesshoumaru-sama?”  she said softly, a questioning note in her voice.  He turned to look at her, slightly rumpled and soft-eyed from her sleep.  The thin moonlight painted smudged shadows across her little face, and her eyes sparkled.  She was, indeed, a beautiful woman.

His heart softened, and he allowed his eyes to a little, as well.  “Yes, miko?”  he asked, just as quietly.

“Are you alright?  You've seemed so... I don't know... preoccupied, lately?”  He could clearly hear her concern in her voice, and it brought his mind to her own feelings towards him.  Did she have any besides the ones of pack?  

“I have had... much to consider,”  he said finally, looking back up at the sky.  “Realizations...”  he trailed off.  He wondered if she would remember that day so long ago when they had spoken of such things.

“Ah.”  From her tone, she did.  “Yes.  Those can be most... unsettling sometimes, can't they?”  she asked, her tone still quiet, and now contemplative.

It occurred to him, then, to wonder about the realization she'd once told him she'd had that had been uncomfortable to her.  What had they been?

He came back to himself when she spoke again.  “I've had a lot of those uncomfortable realizations since coming to this era,”  she said slowly, her voice pensive.  “But... there's nothing that I could do to change them, so I couldn't really do anything but get used to them.  And after a while, they just become a part of you.”

“Hn.”  He thought about that for a time, knowing she was right.  Even were he to try to ignore his feelings, they would still be there, and that wouldn't change.  So he may as well allow himself to get used to them, and assimilate them until he was comfortable with them.  He didn't like the idea of being uncomfortable in his own skin.

With a barely audible sigh, he turned his head down to look at her, and then offered her his arm.  “Come, miko,”  he said, a soft note in his voice she'd never heard before,  “you should go back to your rest.  I think that there will be much more of these 'realizations' coming soon.... for both of us.”

Kagome blinked up at him, and then took his arm silently and let him lead her back to camp.

Neither noticed the faintly glowing footsteps that the daiyoukai's stride were leaving behind... or perhaps they had already been there, and he was merely following them to his final destination.

In the end, it didn't really matter, though.  Only the destination itself did.

~oOo~

A/N:  Following papa's steps...

I had to write this chapter so we could see some of his thoughts on the whole situation – especially about having the courage to own up to his feelings, though he still doesn't like admitting he has them.  I don't know, but to me, I can't see Sesshoumaru ever allowing anything, even emotions, to turn him into a coward.

Amber

Converting /tmp/phpBVgDcP to /dev/stdout