InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Windows on the West ❯ In His Father's Eyes ( Chapter 63 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Inuyasha.

~oOo~

Sesshoumaru lit the incense he'd bought especially for this purpose, and then did something he'd never, ever done before.

He knelt.

Before him was a small alter, which was where he placed the incense, and then he bowed his head and closed his eyes to pray.

Kagome stood back at the entrance of the shrine that had been built to honor his father atop the funeral pyre of the palace that his brother had been born in, and smiled just a little as she watched her mate of just barely a week kneel before the little alter at the front of the small, but elaborate shrine.  She knew he was here to speak to his father, though she didn't know why, and so, after one last glance, she turned and left the building, walking back outside into the bright sunlight and smiling wider as she caught Rin and Shippo at play while Jaken sat under a nearby tree with Ah Uhn.

She would keep them busy out here as Sesshoumaru did what he needed to do inside.

As the lightly scented incense began to make the inside of the building a little smoky, Sesshoumaru could feel the presence of his sire, and bowed his head in respect to the being that he finally thought he understood.  While he didn't agree still with the fact that he'd changed himself so much just to be with the hime Izayoi, he now at least understood what it was that had driven him to do so.

Love.

Not a word that Sesshoumaru was overly familiar with – he had only just begun to learn its meaning because of his new mate.  But he owed his father an apology for the way he had behaved for so long – for his greed and love of power over all else.

It was that which was ultimately responsible for his father's death, and he could finally admit it.  Had he stood by his alpha and helped him reach his hime and infant son, his father would not have died.  But he hadn't; disgusted by what he saw as his sire's weakness, he had let him go to his death.  His actions back then had been dishonorable in the extreme, and he cringed now with shame for them.  

It was a decision that he would always now regret – he could have still had his father beside him in life had he not been a jealous, spoiled, and selfish child.  

“I understand now, father, what you tried so hard to teach me.  About pack, about life... about emotion.”  He still could not easily speak of his emotions – hundreds of years of denying them and ignoring them when they would try to gain his attention would not be broken in an instant, but eventually, he would get there.  But for now... “Everything you said to me, all the lessons as I grew from a small pup to a headstrong adolescent... I picked which ones I felt were relevant to my chosen lifestyle and disregarded the rest.  And I ask your forgiveness for that.  Because you were right.  Everything you tried to teach me – they were all building blocks, each lesson fitting into the next lesson as you built what should have been my guide to the fullness of life, if I had only listened.”   And I can only be thankful for those lessons, now, because though I tried to forget those I did not understand or agree with in my arrogance, they stayed with me, though buried deep, and all it took to begin to remember them was Kagome.  

He sighed, feeling his father's presence so strongly, and wished that he could truly be with them again.  Alive, and larger than life as he'd always been.  It reminded him of when he'd been little more than a pup, and how he'd looked with wide, trusting eyes to his sire to protect him from all harm.  When did I lose my faith in him? he wondered.  Was it when he met Izayoi... or was it truly before that?  When I let my first taste of power blind me to everything else?  Yes... Izayoi was merely an excuse...

“And you knew it, too, didn't you, father?  You saw my eyes become blinded, more and more as I grew and became stronger.  I became seduced by my own strength – and forgot that more strength lies in wisdom than in power.  And yet... for all that I have done, you still tried to guide me, even after death.  Even then, I did not listen.  Not until you sent me Rin... not until you sent me Kagome.  I can never thank you enough for the gift you gave a wayward and headstrong son in her, because she is truly my salvation.  And now I can honestly say that I am proud to follow in your footsteps, father.  I hope that someday I will prove worthy of all you have given me.”

Nostalgia swept through him as he could almost feel his father's embrace, and it took him back to all the times his sire had protected him and held him after a scare, or made sure that any injury was given the best of all possible care.  He almost wished he could return to the days when he was a small pup being sheltered by the great and terrible power that was his father, and inside, where no one would ever see, he wept for the fact that he would never be able to feel that again.  That his own pups would not know their grandsire's greatness, and his love and care.  

“You know, of course, that you are to be a grandfather.  And I can only regret that my children will not know you.  But I will strive to teach them as you taught me – and with Kagome as a mother, I daresay none of them will turn out like I did... at least, not as I was back then.”  He sighed, opening his eyes to watch the incense float through the building in lazy coils.  “I know you will be glad to know that I have made my peace with Inuyasha.  And I am sorry for my past actions towards him, for I know they caused you pain.”  I just didn't want to share you.  But it occurred to me as I have thought on my own pups to come... I will have more than one child with Kagome, and I will not love the second any more than the first.  My jealousy was destructive, and served no purpose save to give me a reason to hate.  

It had been a difficult thing for him to come here and bare his heart in such a manner, even to his father, who he had truly, under all the jealousy and anger, loved.  He was his sire, the one who had protected him and taught him and continued to try to teach him even from beyond the grave.  But Sesshoumaru was still Sesshoumaru, and love his sire or not, he was still not comfortable opening himself so far to anyone.  

He knew that his father understood that, because he had always understood.  He could only hope that he would be so wise with his own children, though he had no doubts that Kagome would take him to task quite thoroughly were she to find him being less than he should be with them.

“All of this is to say that I'm sorry, father, for all of it, and I hope that you can forgive me.  I know that you already have, because you have still tried to make me understand, have still given me what you knew would bring me... happiness... but I felt as though your sacrifices and wisdom should be acknowledged aloud, and that is truly why I am here.”

He could feel his sire's approval surrounding him, and with a lighter heart than he'd had since his father's death, he stood once more, proud to know that he had finally proven himself in his father's eyes.  With one last look around the building, he said,  “Inuyasha and I will return yearly to pay our respects, father, and as my children are born, I will bring them, as well, so that you may know them.  Until then...”  he bowed towards the alter, and with that, he turned and made his way out of the building and back into the sunlight to see his mate and pack waiting for him with contented and trusting eyes.

Yes... father was far wiser than I ever was, to understand what would truly make me happy, even when I did not.  And it took a tiny human priestess to open my eyes to the fact that the path to Supreme Conquest was not really what I desired to walk.  All along, all I really wanted is now standing before me and looking up at me with untarnished faith that I will take care of them, and guide them all in the way they should go.

And I will, father... just as you did...

Just as you still are.