InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Within You ❯ Everything I've Done, I've Done For You ( Chapter 2 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: lil6ter 
He had loved her for forever. Now, he is faced with death for that love unless she can save him with a simple task. Just one task and he will be able to marry his best friend. It is a shame that life never works the way we want it to.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Fantasy / Hentai / Adventure / Shoujo | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 03.04.2010 | Updated On: 12.29.2010 | Pages: 8 | Words: 9.7K | Visits: 928 | Status: Completed
He had loved her for forever. Now, he is faced with death for that love unless she can save him with a simple task. Just one task and he will be able to marry his best friend. It is a shame that life never works the way we want it to.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Fantasy / Hentai / Adventure / Shoujo | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 03.04.2010 | Updated On: 12.29.2010 | Pages: 8 | Words: 9.7K | Visits: 928 | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: I love the only Inuyasha related thing I own. My cute little chibi inu key-chain which lives out its happy life on my iPod making fashion statements everywhere (Ha! Take that Parris Hilton! You want something hot? Then look at my iPod cuz it's so cute and knows how to accessorize.)
He loved Kagome. Inuyasha was now seventeen and he could no longer deny the fact that he was in love with her. Everything about her spoke to him and he could no longer breath without her. He was not sure when it had happened, but he knew what he felt now. He had thought that he was only having a minor crush on his friend at first, but as time went on he realized that he needed Kagome.
He sighed as the fifteen year old applied more of her special salve to his arms, back, and chest where purple bruises marred his skin. She had surprised him and decided to visit the training grounds that day—with her father's consent, of course. He thought that it would give the troops in training a moral boost if the royal family showed more interest in them. He knew that Inuyasha would be there, yet this did not seem to bother him.
Inuyasha did not know what to think of the man.
He was nice to him one day, then threatening him the next, and he had yet to commit anything to anyone regarding who Kagome should marry. He had been receiving so many different offers, yet he was not considering any of them. Kagome was fifteen now…he needed to start thinking of who she was to marry soon if he wanted for her to have a decent shot at having a good, large family. The sooner she gave the crown another heir, the better…not that he wanted this.
He was rather glad that her father seemed to be sitting on this decision. It meant that they had more time to be them…and more time for Kagome to just be herself. She had told Inuyasha several times that she was worried about the man that she would marry and about her fate to be a mother.
She was not ready yet.
There was still so much that she wanted to do…but the second she was wed she would not be able to do any of it, and they both knew that her clock was quickly running out of time.
“There! All done!” Kagome announced with pride as her fingers searched for the shirt she had practically torn off of him. They located it, but he did not put it on right away when she gave it to him. She tilted her head in silent question when she saw his lack of attempt to clothe himself.
“I am waiting for it to dry.”
She nodded and started playing with the hem of her dress as her eyes caught the gleam of the necklace he had worn around his neck since she had first met him. It was a beautiful necklace and one that held so much mystery to her. Inuyasha had never once spoken about why he wore it, who it was from, why he had it…nothing. He never took it off either. Not in all the years she had known him. She admired how it looked on him though. The soft gold complimented the tan of his skin and the rather delicate chain contrasted against the hard muscle which now made up most of his body.
Inuyasha had changed dramatically over the years. He was no longer a scrawny little boy who had bruises covering his body because of a dumb bully. No…now he was a man that radiated strength and power. His body had been changed into that of a man who was ready and willing to put up a fight. He had been turned into the ultimate killing machine.
Despite the change though, she knew Inuyasha to be the same. He would always be the boy she grew up with and her best friend.
“What are you thinking about,” she heard him ask her as he shifted to lean back on his arms.
“You,” she replied truthfully. She brought her hand up to the necklace he wore and started to delicately trace the metal, her fingers just barely touching it almost like little butterflies, just grazing each link ever so lightly and gracefully. “Why do you wear this,” she questioned softly, her fingers dancing across the pearl and jewel studded charm that hung on it. “I have never seen you without it.”
He was silent for a moment as he stared at her hand traveling across the necklace he wore.
“It was my mother's.” His hand came up to join Kagome's at the charm on his chain. “My father gave it to her when they were engaged. It was his gift of good will, in a way. He loved her from the moment he first saw her. He said that when she smiled, he knew that she was the one he was going to marry. He had never talked to her before, and she did not know who he was, but her father gladly gave his consent to him when he heard his status and what kind of life she would have. My mother hated him at first…she tried to do everything that she could to get him to give her back to her father, but he would not do it. Instead, he did everything that he could to make her life better with him, and one night he gave her this,” he gently palmed the necklace he wore, and Kagome felt slightly envious of the loving gaze he gave it. She did not know why though, for she had no right or reason to be envious of a necklace, after all.
“He told her that he knew she hated him for what he did to her, but if she let him, and if she took the necklace, he would try his best to make her the happiest woman in the world, and that he would love her like no other. She did not take it right away…but one day he found her sitting in the garden reading with the necklace on. When she passed away…my father almost had her buried in it…but…he could not do it.”
“Why not,” Kagome asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“He said that one day I would have someone I felt just as strongly for, and he wanted me to carry on the tradition and give it to her. He gave it to me just before he died. He felt that I would understand the importance of it then…and he was going off to a war. He must have had a feeling…” Inuyasha trailed off, the memory suddenly too painful. “Well…that is neither here nor there. I just wear it so that it is like there is a piece of them with me always. I always wanted a family, Kagome. You know that. Having this reminder of it just makes me feel…safe.”
Her smile melted his heart then. It was so warm and understanding and full of love. He craved her smiles—needed them to survive. They were like his oxygen.
He watched her fingers glide up the chain to around his collar bone, mere millimeters away from grazing his flesh. He found himself suppressing a shiver from running down his spine at the rather close, intimate contact.
“And then…do you know who you would like to give it to, one day?”
`Yes. I want to give it to you, Kagome,'voice whispered in his head.
“No.”
Kagome somehow looked like he had just stabbed her. The glowing light that was normally dancing in her eyes died as her smile dimmed. She slowly removed her hand from him, and her entire posture spoke of trying to distance herself from his person. “Oh,” he heard her whisper as she tucked a stray lock of hair back into place behind her ear.
Inuyasha gathered his shirt up and slipped it back over his head as Kagome started rubbing her arms as if she were cold.
Somehow, he could tell that things between them had just changed ever so slightly.
“Father has been receiving more proposals for my hand.” Somehow her words felt like an admission more than anything else to him.
“Oh?”
“Mm…he has not given them much consideration though. I asked him the other day if he intended on making any decisions anytime soon.”
“What did he say,” Inuyasha pried, secretly praying that he would never give his daughter away.
“He says that he is waiting for one proposal in particular. He claims that he has been waiting for it for years, but I do not know what to think, or who it could be from.”
“Perhaps he is waiting for someone he trusts will run the country well once he is gone?”
“Perhaps…but there are those who are starting to think him foolish for waiting so long. What do you think, Yash? Do you think him a fool?”
“In a way maybe. You are no longer the brand new thirteen year old. You are fifteen now…and you are getting older by the day. Your father cannot wait too much longer to wed you or else you will become an old maid.”
“That is probably what he wants. For me to stay a virgin all my life and be an old maid,” she spat, wrinkling her nose in distaste. “I wish that he would give me some say in who I marry…but I know that he will not. I wish I was still that naive thirteen year old who thought it possible to propose to a man and wed him.” She said this mostly to herself, but he still heard her all the same.
He had never accepted nor rejected her proposition. At the time he had not thought her to be serious…but now he could see that she was. Very much so.
Inuyasha reached over and grabbed a thin piece of leather to tie his long black hair back into a ponytail. He could feel Kagome's gaze watching his every move, and he felt slightly unnerved.
“We should…get going. They are going to serve supper soon and we do not want to be late,” he whispered, reaching out his hand to help Kagome stand after he himself was already on his feet. She nodded and accepted his hand, their moods both now darkened by their future and their innocent conversations.
Supper was a quite affair for them. They were too lost in their own thoughts to make much sense of what was going on around them or to try and make conversation with each other. Unfortunately for Kagome, she was a Princess, and as such, she had to talk to many different people. Inuyasha could feel his eyes growing heavy, however, so Kagome either had to wrap it up, or someone else would have to walk her back to her quarters.
He gave it another ten minutes before approaching her and whispering in her ear that he needed sleep and asked her what she would like him to do.
“Go on without me,” she softly relied, and so he did. He left her and with one last glance behind, made his way to his room. He stripped out of his shirt and contemplated leaving his pants on but quickly decided against it, completely undressing until he was left in only his very last undergarment.
Sighing, he collapsed on bed and quickly found himself surrounded by the welcomed darkness of sleep.
He almost wished he never woke up.
It was in the middle of the night when he first felt it. It was something moving next to him. He did not completely register the movement in his half asleep state, but he knew something was there. His body quickly went into solider mode, and when he had pinpointed the exact location of the foreign movement, he pounced. The startled shriek of a woman had not been quite what he was expecting and it quickly snapped whatever parts of him were still asleep awake.
His hands searched out the girl's mouth and clamped down over it. He did not need his superiors running in to find him nearly naked and on top of a woman. That spelled Trouble with a capital T.
“Shhh…” he hushed. “I will not hurt you, I promise.” His arm was searching for a light out to his side, but it was hard to find without rays from the moon to help him. Finally, he found it and lit it. When he saw the woman he was pinning down, he nearly fainted.
“Kagome…what are you doing here?” he sharply demanded, removing his hand from her mouth as he helped her into a sitting position. She knew better than to come into his room. She knew that if he were caught with her…like this…what was she thinking? And where were his pants?
“I…I was lonely.”
“So you decided to come here, even though you have spent countless nights on your own before?”
“Not here I have not! I could not sleep with the fact that there are so many boys here…I just…I was worried. What if one of them…tried something?”
She did not need to say more. He could tell from her eyes and from her tone that she was frightened. He sighed and rubbed his face. If he were to let her stay here, and if he were to be found to have kept her here, he would be expelled from the program. If she stayed on her own, in her room, by herself, and someone were to try something? He did not know which was the lesser of two evils: the destruction of his greatest dream next to having a family and a place to belong, or the destruction of the innocence of his best friend.
He prayed that come dawn he would not regret his decision.
“Fine…but at least let me put some pants on first,” he mumbled, slightly amused but still embarrassed by the way Kagome's eyes drifted to his lap and widened. When she had decided to crawl into bed with him, she had thought that he would at least be…more clothed then he was at the present moment. She scrambled away from him as fast as she could before covering her eyes with her hands and a blush staining her cheeks. She felt Inuyasha get off of the bed, and curiosity got the better of her. She spread her fingers ever so slightly, and what she saw only made the fifteen year old blush even more.
When she felt him crawl back into bed, she uncovered her eyes and gave him a shy look.
“What?”
“I peeked,” she admitted. She knew that she would have a horribly guilty conscience the next day if she did not tell him, so she decided to just simply be honest with him.
He blushed a little, but did not pursue the issue, nor did he berate her for it.
Instead, he gave a barely discernable “Are you comin'?” and she could not help but smile with relief. He lay down with his right arm to his side, and his left arm under his head. Kagome took in his position and crawled over to him after thinking about the best way to position herself around him. Ultimately, she had come to the conclusion that settling herself around him would be too difficult, so instead she simply settled partially on top of him, and partially off to the side. She gently placed her head on his chest, and her arms around his torso so that she would be lovingly holding him while they slept. She felt a delighted shiver run up her spine at his surprised gasp. She knew that he was thinking the same thing she was: that it felt good to rest like this again. They had not slept together in two years…not since she was thirteen.
Everything was the same…yet so different at the same time. The innocence that was once there was now gone. They were no longer two children who kept each other company at night. Now they were two adults, and there were so many implications for what they were doing. Inuyasha's skin scorched her everywhere they touched. This was not how it was before. Before they were just two children…but now…as two adults…
“G-good night, Kagome,” Inuyasha stuttered, his hand reaching out for the light.
“Good night, Yash.”
And with that, he extinguished the light and they were covered by darkness.
This only made things worse for Kagome, intensifying the situation and the emotions flowing through her veins. She could hear his heart beat. The strength and power behind it sent shivers up her spine. She was listening to the very existence of Inuyasha. Without the beating of this one organ, he would not be here. This is what gave him life. This is what let him live and breathe and thrive. The swaying of his chest from his lungs, the thumping of his heart…life. Life was precious. It was a delicate entity that could be stopped at any moment, and she was embraced within Inuyasha's arms, close to his life.
She found herself wanting more of that life. It was no longer enough to just be held in his arms…no…she wanted more than that. She wanted to taste his life—to experience it. She wanted to consume part of what made him live and take part of him into herself. She did not know what tomorrow would bring—no one did. But she wanted to hold a bit of his life...to experience a bit of him before that heart beat stopped.
She could feel herself almost shaking as she tentatively tested the waters. She started to gently rub her thumb in strokes ever so light against the flesh of his chest. She heard him deeply inhale, but he made no move to stop her. It felt good to rub his hot flesh. So, so very good. She felt her confidence increase when after a few moments of her strokes he had still not made a move. She grow bolder. She started to slid her hand from where it rest to the right, curious as to what she would find, if anything.
His skin was so soft and smooth. So hot and scorching. She could not stop herself from continuing to move her hand all over his chest. She paused when she came to something that had a different texture…it was bumpy. She could feel a larger bump when she continued onward. It was an odd part of his body, and she had no idea what it was. She had seen him shirtless before and his skin was mostly the same, except for…
Her eyes widened and her cheeks lit up.
She knew what it was now.
His hand came up to grasp her own and moved it away from what she was now touching and into more neutral territory.
“This is why,” she heard his hoarse voice begin, startling her and destroying the silence brought on by the night “people our age should not be doing what we are. Good night Kagome. Sleep.”
“Good…night, then.”
It should have been silent then. It was supposed to be silent, but it was not. She could still hear his heart. Every beat. Every pulse. She heard it, and because of this, she could not sleep.
“Are you not…curious?” she softly asked after a moment.
“Kagome—”
“Are you not curious? At least not a little?”
She could feel him sigh and felt his upper body shift as he moved his arm to rub his eyes.
“Even if I am—”
That was all Kagome needed to launch herself onto him and pin him in place, disregarding the `oof' she heard from below. She gently reached her hand up and started delicately tracing his features.
She could feel the heat of his reddening face under her hand and the smooth slopes created by his cheek bones. She wanted to press her lips against his cheek. Taste his flesh. What would he taste like? What would it be like to nip at it? To feel his skin with her lips? She moved her hand up and to the left. She could feel his nose in the darkness. The distinguished sharp lines created by bone and cartilage. Her hand glided off the tip of his nose to his lips. They were full and round. She brushed her thumb against them and found his lips to be slightly parted. His skin there felt so soft…so tempting…
“I am curious, Inuyasha. I want to know what it is like to touch someone I care about at least once before father weds me.” She leaned down until her lips were just a breath away. “Will you let me?”
She was anxious for his answer. She wanted this. She wanted to know what it would be like to kiss someone…and…she wanted to give her first kiss to someone special. There was no one more special in her life than Inuyasha. He was the perfect person, and the only one deserving of it, in her opinion.
Inuyasha felt the same way. He wanted so much from her. He wanted to hold her and love her and keep her with him always even though he knew that he could not. Perhaps that is what was so appealing to him about the night. Beneath its dark mask people could do whatever they wanted and not fear the consequences come dawn. It was like an intoxicating drug. It gave you the power and confidence to do what you wished. Even so, he was reluctant to say yes. He wanted this. He wanted it so much. He could not put what he felt first, however. Or perhaps he could.
If he were to not put his feelings first and worry about his country, he would not do it. She should be reserved in every way for her husband. By taking this one small part from her, he was also taking this one small thing from her husband.
If he were to put himself first, he would not do it because he would want more. He would either want to continue what she had started and go further, or he would want to keep her with him forever and always after tonight. Yes, he admitted that he wanted to do that in any case, but things would change.
Everything would change.
“Inuyasha…may I? I want to. Very much so. Will you allow it?”
He bit the inside of his cheek and said a silent prayer.
“Yes."
He felt her one hand move away from his lips and back over to his cheek, while her other hand slid up from his side and across his chest. He could feel it graze his neck and finally cup his cheek. He held his breath when warm air ghosted over his skin. His heart started to race and his breath caught in his throat. The suspense of her hanging over him was slowly killing him. He wanted to just reach up and pull her down, but he had agreed to doing this her way, essentially.
It seemed like forever before her lips gently pressed against his own. It was chaste and timid and done with before he could blink, but he felt that spark all the same. There was something magical that had just happened. Something that he knew would bind him to her for the rest of his days. She removed herself from his upper body before her actions could register in his mind.
She did not disturb him again that night.
In the morning, his life changed forever. Someone had seen Kagome leaving his room, after searching for her all night when noticing that she had gone missing.
He was kicked out of the program.
He remembered returning to his room and lethargically packing up his things. Nothing seemed to register to him. All he knew was that his dream—the thing that he had been working towards for the last eight years—was gone. He had nothing now.
No family.
No profession.
No place to live.
No place to belong.
He was nothing.
Kagome tried to come see him as he was packing his things, but he just could not bear the thought of seeing her then. It was partially her fault that he was in this position now.
Was it fair to blame her?
He did not know. He just knew that now, because he had agreed to let her stay with him that one night, he would be faced with consequences far beyond any he had ever thought that he would have to face.
When he left, he did not know where to go. He was not welcome anywhere, and he had nothing in his name. He could not go and seek to gain the help of the King. He had made it very clear that if he were to ever spend the night with Kagome again, he would have his head. He could not go to his old home for it had been claimed in lieu of not being able to pay anymore taxes. He knew that his old teacher would not take him in either.
There was only one thing he could do now: go to the stables and continue on as he had in the past looking over Ash and the other horses.
Kagome knew that he was there now. She had seen him there all the time, hiding from behind objects. She knew that he knew that she was there too. He just never approached her about it, and she was a coward.
She felt horrible for what she had done to him. She had started to cry herself to sleep. Not only had she killed her best friend's dream, she had also destroyed her relationship with him in every possible way. He would not talk to her now nor would he look at her. She did not know if it was because of what they did that night, or if it was because of the anger he felt because that night had happened.
Her reputation was suffering too.
Word of that night had spread far and wide like wild fire. She was sure that people were speaking words other then how risqué she was. She would almost be willing to say that they were now calling her a whore.
She did not care though. All she wanted, more than anything in the world, was to have her best friend back. She hated hiding from him, knowing that when she saw him next he would either remain silent, or yell at her for what she had done and what she had caused him.
Did he not understand though? She was suffering to. She needed him back in her life. She could not see herself without him there.
She bit her lips as she stared at him brushing Ash. She needed to do something. She needed him back, and the only way that was ever going to happen was if she went and talked to him. She took a deep breath and slowly started to approach him. She felt her blood speed up in apprehension while her heart ached to be with him again. He was humming to himself again.
She knew the tune. It was hard to not. He played it on his violin whenever he could. It was his favorite song and the first one his father had taught him. He seemed to be lost in both the tune and the brush strokes, however. The back and forth motion of his hand, the feel of the horse. The utterly perfect rhythm of the action seemed to have put him in a trance. Or perhaps he had allowed himself to be put into this trance because of the stress of late.
Slowly, she started to approach him, tentatively testing the ground with each step, almost afraid that he would hear her and run away like a frightened rabbit.
“Hey,” she whispered softly, gently touching his arm.
He stopped humming and stiffened, but made no attempt to stop what he was doing.
“How…have you been lately? I have not seen you around.”
Again, he was silent.
“Inuyasha…please…say something to me.”
“I have nothing to say, Kagome. What is done is done. There is nothing that can change what happened. I have been expelled from the program. There is nothing anyone can do now to get that back for me. You cannot, you're father cannot, not even God can. Even if someone could get it back for me, I would never be looked at the same way. No one would respect me, and everyone would attribute my success to what was done for me and not on my own merit. It. Is. Over.”
She was wrong…he was more than furious. He held the pits of hell's wrath in his heart now.
“Inuyasha, I am so, so, so sorry. I—”
“Am not the only one who is sorry. I wish…there are certain parts of that night that I would redo, Kagome. I would redo them in a heartbeat.”
“Which…parts?” she asked so quietly that he almost wondered if he were hearing things.
He put down his brush and walked over to the bench that they had shared so many heartfelt conversations in the past. He sat down with his neck bent, facing his lap and refused to move it to look at her as she sat next to him. Instead, he just kept his eyes down and his emotions in check.
“I knew what I was doing when I said that you could spend the night. I had seen the looks some of the men had given you that day, and I could understand your fear. I chose to protect you over protecting my dreams. You cannot blame yourself for that, for it is in truth as much your fault as it is mine. Can I see myself blaming you? Perhaps…and perhaps I will sometimes, but I need to understand that what I did by saying you could stay rests solely with me. It is my fault for not sending you away, and so I should not regret that part of the night.”
“Then…which part do you regret?” She was not even sure that she wanted to know. The part that he was implying he regretted she knew she would never feel the same as him towards. She cherished that kiss, and treasured the fact that he was her first kiss.
“We…took things too far that night.”
She felt her world crumble around her with that one sentence. He regretted kissing her.
“We should have never acted that familiar, Kagome. I took something from both you and whoever your husband will be one day. He deserved the right to have your first kiss. Not me. I have nothing now but this lowly job. I am nothing. I do not deserve the honor of having your first kiss. My mind was clouded in that respect that night, and if I had been thinking clearly, I would have never taken that from you.”
Kagome knew that if someone were to cut her open then, and look for her heart, all they would find was a fine, powdered dust where it used to live. He had done more than just crush her: he had completely demolished her. It was becoming harder for her to breath, and it suddenly felt like that powdered dust had caught in her throat.
“You may regret it, Inuyasha,” she bit out, feeling tears welling up in the corners of her eyes, “but I do not. I never will. You should know me well enough to know that I never do things such as this unless if I truly want to, and you must trust me when I say that I truly wanted to. How dare you disregard this? I know that you felt the connection as much as I when we kissed and you have no right to dispute that! You say that my first kiss should have been left for my husband? Well who is to say that he cannot be you? I proposed to you, did I not? You could marry me, could you not? You have every right to what happened as whatever God forsaken man my father decides to get rid of me to! All you have to do is accept it and ask my father.”
“You think that I would not like to? I have nothing offer!”
“You have yourself to offer! Should that not be enough?”
“When is it ever?” he laughed bitterly. “Your father will never marry you off to a stable boy!”
“You will never know unless you ask him!”
His grim chuckle startled her. What on earth was wrong with him?
“That will never happen, Kagome. I have been thinking of leaving.”
“Leaving?” She did not like where this was going. Where would he go? When would she see him again? Would see him again?
“I think that I should distance myself from you. I am hurting you and your reputation…and I fear that we have grown too close.”
“We are best friends!”
“What we did should not happen between friends! Even best friends!”
He was quite literally killing pieces of her being.
“I am sorry, Kagome, but I want to leave, and I plan on doing so when I get enough money.”
“When…will you be back.”
His silence. She did not want his silence.
“You will be back, right?”
Once again, he said nothing.
“Inuyasha, tell me you do not plan on going away for forever.”
“I do not know. I…am not planning on coming back.”
She looked up at him, her eyes wide and horrified…and then she ran. She ran and ran and ran and did not stop. How could he do this? How could he leave? His dream was dead…she could understand that. But to leave because they were now too close? He was her best friend! She grew up with him! How could he leave her! Yes…she had kissed him, but why was he making such a big deal out of this? How could he disregard everything just because they had briefly crossed that line? She needed him. She could not live without him. How could he? How could he?
She slowed down and found herself in her room, the safest place she had ever been in, save for Inuyasha's arms.
She fell down on her knees and started crying. She felt betrayed and like everything she and Inuyasha had ever done together was a lie. Their friendship was a lie if he were willing to give it up so quickly because of this.
She just had to sit there for a while and cry everything out. She needed to figure out her emotions.
Anger.
Depression.
Sorrow.
Sp ite.
Confusion.
Understanding.
Heartbreak.
< br>
Love.
Fear.
Need.
She felt all of them clear as day, and she was worried. She wanted him to stay here. She wanted him to marry her. She wanted to bear his children and be with him always. She did not know when she had started to mean her proposal to him, but somewhere along the line over the last two years she had grown to love him in ways she never thought possible. She did not want him to leave…and she did not want him to over react about this kiss.
She took deep, calming breaths, and slowly her mind started to clear like the sky after rain.
These things…they were what she wanted. Not what Inuyasha wanted. If she loved him as much as she said she did, would she not think about what he wanted as well?
She should, and so she did. Only one thing constantly came up, however, and that was his need to leave this place. He wanted to leave for God only knew how long, and that look in his eyes told her that he was hell bent on doing so. She could not stop him, and that thought pained her. It would take him forever though to earn enough to leave this place just looking after Ash.
A sob escaped her throat. She knew what she had to do. Did she want to do it? No. But she still would.
She rose from her knees, and with a trembling hand, she gathered up her gold and her jewels and anything of value. She carefully put them in a basket, and then slowly, she walked to the door and turned the knob, only to find Inuyasha on the other side.
“Kagome,” he breathed, air catching in his lungs when he saw the dried tear tracks, red cheeks, and red eyes.
“Here,” she bit out, thrusting the basket into his arms.
“What is this?”
“It is exactly what you need to leave this place. If you want to go and to throw our entire friendship away because of a kiss, then so be it. I will give you all that you need.”
He stared blankly at her, seemingly not understanding what she wanted him to do.
“Take it!”
She shoved the basket at his body and slammed the door in his face, only to break down crying again. Damn him…and damn his hold over her. And damn him for wanting to leave. And damn her for loving a man that did not want to fight for her.
Damn everything!
Inuyasha's hands were shaking. He had never expected Kagome to actually give him this. He was tempted to take what she had given him. He was…but he would not. He did not think that it would be wise to go in and talk to her now, no matter how much he wanted to try and calm her sobs. She needed a moment by herself—without him.
He left her then, and instead went in search of Kaede. She would be able put everything back where it belonged.
His mind wandered with him as he wandered the halls in search of Kaede.
He knew that she would react poorly when she found out that he wanted to leave. He knew that—yet he still told her that he was leaving. He honestly believed that it would be better for the two of them if he just…disappeared. And all because he had agreed to let her kiss him. He never should have done that. They crossed the line, and now, in his mind, there was no going back. Especially since now everything that he ever knew had changed and his dream was gone.
He knocked on the door leading into her room and waited for Kaede to open it.
“Who is it,” he could hear her call out and walk to the door.
“It is Inuyasha.”
The movement on the other side stopped.
“I need to give you something.”
“Is that all?”
“We…need to talk to. About Kagome.”
“I should hope so,” she bit out, throwing the door open and startling him. “Get in here. Now.”
He knew not to disobey that tone.
“What did you want to give me?”
“This,” he thrust the basket into her open arms. “Kagome gave this to me because she knows…she knows that I am going to leave.”
All of the animosity seemed to disappear from Kaede in that one moment.
“Leave? You…are leaving?”
“Yes.”
“Where are you going? For how long?”
“I do not know.”
“And you will be leaving when?”
“The second I get enough from the stables.”
She nodded her head as if coming to a grim conclusion. Apparently, she had. “You, sir, are a coward and an ass.”
He felt like she had just slapped him in the face with her words. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You are a coward. How could you do this to her? You ruin her reputation—”
“—Now wait a minute here—”
“—You kiss her—”
“—She kissed me!”
“—And now you want to leave?”
“To protect her from me!”
“How are you protecting her from you by leaving?”
“It is because I kissed her that I should leave!” he could feel his throat start to constrict. “When we kissed…I felt something that should have never been there. The King will marry her off to someone, and we cannot feel for each other the way we do!”
“So your solution is to leave.”
“Yes…my solution is to leave. If I leave…I will not be here to love. Neither of us will love.”
Her eyes softened and she nodded in understanding. She did not think that it would help the situation, however. She would know…she had come to love Inuyasha just as much as and in the same way as Kagome did.
“I will give this back to her.”
“Thank you, Kaede.”
“Stay here,” she commanded, and he nodded in consent, sighing when the door had closed all the way.
What had his life turned into?
His dream? Gone.
His friendship with Kagome? Destroyed.
His place to belong? Demolished.
He slumped down in a chair at Kaede's desk and started rubbing his eyes.
God…what had his life tuned into?
And worst of all…why did he feel like it was all his fault?
He would have given anything to go back to when he was fourteen and Kagome was twelve. Things were so much simpler then.
He stopped rubbing his eyes and allowed his vision to focus on a book Kaede kept on her desk. It was open and filled with feminine cursive. Was this...her diary? His fingers twitched. He really wanted to go through that book, even if he knew it was wrong. His fingers twitched again. Kaede would kill him if she ever found out that he went through it. His fingers twitched again. It was an invasion of privacy and he had no right to look at—was that his name?
He grabbed the book and skimmed through it until he found the beginning of the entry, marking it today's date. The beginning was rather boring and he skipped over most of it. Then he came to parts with more intrigue.
Like Kagome.
And how Kagome was feeling.
And how he had hurt Kagome.
`…she could have not heard what they said behind her back. They whispered it loud enough. I do not know how she can submit to this treatment! I know that she must as the princess, but even I would want to slap them for calling me a whore. I know that she must feel the sting of their words, especially since she told me that she is still a virgin! Oh Kagome…what have you done? Why did you do it? How can I even think to blame you when I know that I would have sought comfort in him had our positions been reversed? If our positions had been reversed…had he ever looked at me in the light he gazes at you in…I dare say that I may not have stopped with just a kiss upon my lips.
The King is furious, though. I fear for Inuyasha almost as much as I fear for Kagome…or perhaps I fear more for him. He has been lucky thus far. Kagome has stopped him from issuing a warrant for his death many different times, but I fear what will happen if she cannot in the future.
I can almost see the gallows now. Or perhaps he will choose to behead him? I cannot stand the thought of it! His head rolling around on the floor and his beautiful hair stained with his blood…no. We need to do everything in our power to prevent both of these problems. Kagome's name from being further tarnished, and Inuyasha…oh how my heart would break if something were to happen to him!
I fear I have grown to love him too much, diary. I envy Kagome every day, and not because of her beauty or power or wealth or status. I envy her because whenever Inuyasha would come here, he would never look for me. He would look for her. He would want to spend time with her while I watched over them. I wished countless times before when he spent the night here that I would be the one next to him as he slept. I love the way his eyes shine in bright, dim, dusk, and moon light. I have to stop myself from kissing the corner of his lips whenever he smirks. Sometimes, I truly wish I were her…just so that I can be closer to him.
How long have I let these feelings grow, diary? How can I let myself love him? Why do I—'
He put the book down.
He had seen enough.
They had shared one kiss. One single, quick, loving, timid, electrifying kiss. One that she had secretly been replaying in her mind over and over and over again, remembering the way he had felt below her and the sensation of his warm, smooth, hard chest beneath her hand. The way his breath caught ever so slightly when she finally pressed her lips against his…
But how could he be willing to leave their almost eight years of friendship over that?
He was reacting too strongly.
Inuyasha on the other hand knew that while his actions may seem rash, what he was going to do was for the best. His friendship with Kagome was ruined on so many different levels.
He could never look her in the eye again because of that kiss…and…now his love for her seemed stronger than ever. He did not need for his love to be this strong—strong enough that he could almost taste it.
His feelings towards Kaede had changed too.
She was no longer Kagome's primary care giver. Now, she was a woman. A woman who had seen great pain in the world. Her fiancé had died in the same war his father had been killed in. She had never found another, and now, the twenty one year old had taken more than just a liking to him. Her feelings for him were almost as strong as his feelings for Kagome.
So now, because of that blasted diary, he had an interesting question that he now had to answer: would he act on Kaede's feelings and at least court her?
She was an attractive woman. Not beautiful like Kagome…no one could ever be as beautiful as Kagome though. She was like God's greatest piece of art…taking months to carefully and skillfully craft her into what she is: the most beautiful woman in the world. If Helen's face could have launched a thousand ships, Kagome would have launched a million ships.
No…Kaede was no Kagome. Not by a long shot.
She was, however, still an attractive woman.
And she was kind at that. Kaede had helped care for him when he was still young. She had also helped Kagome smuggle him into the castle more times than he could count, and had snuck him food from the kitchens when he spent the night. She had sewn up his clothing when he had gotten holes in it, and had made him new when his old became to raggedy.
Kaede was a good woman. One that any man would be proud to call his wife.
Why was reluctant to broach the subject of a courtship with her then?
`Because you love Kagome,' his subconscious whispered.
He did love Kagome…but he had to let her go for her own good. If he loved her, he would let her go, and oh how he loved her!
Oh how tangled and complicated their lives had become! And all in a matter of a few short weeks.
Inuyasha gave Ash another pat on his romp and sat down on the bench he had told Kagome he was leaving on, cradling his head in his hands as his elbows dug into his knees.
He was doing all of this for Kagome…but…did he not have a right to be happy as well? Did he not deserve a chance at happiness with someone? Why did he have to be alone all his life? Should he not have a family and a wife and a home?
Kaede loved him, and while he did not hold the same feelings for her, he could grow to love her. Anything was possible, after all.
He nodded his head having come to a decision. He would court Kaede. Maybe…maybe he would even ask her to come with him when he left. He was still determined to leave, no matter what.
The idea had taken root in his mind, and there was no letting go of it now. He wanted to see the world, and if he had a woman at his side, all the better. If he fell in love along the way, then so be it.
Kaede put down the brush she had been brushing Kagome's hair with, and smoothed out her skirts, glancing out the window to gage the time. She had perhaps another two hours before she would go to meet with Inyasha.
“You seem rather eager to send me off to bed tonight, Kaede. Is there a reason for this?”
“No…none at all. Well, you are all set, so I should leave you now.”
“Oh? Normally we talk around now. You have not been very talkative lately. I almost feel as if there is something you are keeping from me. Is there?”
Kaede had to find her best neutral face and put it on.
“There is nothing, My Lady. I am simply feeling ill tonight.”
Kagome nodded her head in understanding.
“Alright then. You should go and rest up. Feel better, Kaede.”
“Good night, Kagome,” she smiled, almost running out the door. She had much to do if she wanted to look presentable for Inuyasha. She ran down to her room, slamming the door behind her and scrambled out of her clothes and into the dress she had been taking great care of for the last week since Inuyasha had approached her. She quickly pulled her now very messy hair down and glanced out the window. She did not have time to redo it. She would just have to wear it down and in waves. She grabbed a light cape and was gone.
She could not help but smile, she saw him standing under the tree by the well with his hands in his pockets.
She had a good feeling about tonight.
She just prayed that Kagome could forgive her one day.
A/N: (Original posting: 3/4/10)*Lyric to David Bowie's song Within You (http://www.youtube. com/watch?v=y1-l0UNCKJM)don't own it.
Alright…1: Don't kill me. 2: Don't kill me. 3: Don't kill me. 4: There will be a minor Inuyasha X Kaede streak, but it IS an Inuyasha X Kagome story. Please remember the prologue or the first chapter. These last two chapters have just been flash backs5: Don't kill me…exams are coming up and I feel the pressure, so no updates for a while. 6: I needed to get him kicked out, and you will eventually see why.
I didn't edit this chapter…Sorry…but I wanted to get this up ASAP!
IMPORTANT: There is a 79% chance of citrus in the next chapter.
No guarantees on when I can post next…but I will try to get something done ASAP!Thanks to the VERY few who have red and reviewed! I would REALLY appreciate it if we could up the ante on that :)
Now for the AR's!!!
To: kokoronagomuSadly though, back then no one (or at least many) did not or could not wed for love. Since we are talking about the King (…I think…) he can't necessarily marry her off to someone just because she loves someone. She is his only child: that means that her marriage will more than likely have to be a political one, or one of someone who can prove that they can lead a country. But to hell with that, really. I don't think I'm truly following how things were done back then. There will be angst…this IS one of my stories…and as for a happy ending…well…the chapter with the wedding will be fun. (Though I do believe that we just became friends on facebook, so need be if you REALY want to know how it ends, I can tell you there.) Thanks for the review and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!!!!
To: frannnnnAwww…Thanks!!! I'm so glad you like it! I tried to update it as soon as I could!! Reviews are always great motivation for getting me to update sooner though :). Thanks for the review, and I hope that you enjoy the next chapter!!!!
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Within YouBy: lil6ter
Everything I've Done, I've Done For You*
Chapter TwoEverything I've Done, I've Done For You*
He loved Kagome. Inuyasha was now seventeen and he could no longer deny the fact that he was in love with her. Everything about her spoke to him and he could no longer breath without her. He was not sure when it had happened, but he knew what he felt now. He had thought that he was only having a minor crush on his friend at first, but as time went on he realized that he needed Kagome.
He sighed as the fifteen year old applied more of her special salve to his arms, back, and chest where purple bruises marred his skin. She had surprised him and decided to visit the training grounds that day—with her father's consent, of course. He thought that it would give the troops in training a moral boost if the royal family showed more interest in them. He knew that Inuyasha would be there, yet this did not seem to bother him.
Inuyasha did not know what to think of the man.
He was nice to him one day, then threatening him the next, and he had yet to commit anything to anyone regarding who Kagome should marry. He had been receiving so many different offers, yet he was not considering any of them. Kagome was fifteen now…he needed to start thinking of who she was to marry soon if he wanted for her to have a decent shot at having a good, large family. The sooner she gave the crown another heir, the better…not that he wanted this.
He was rather glad that her father seemed to be sitting on this decision. It meant that they had more time to be them…and more time for Kagome to just be herself. She had told Inuyasha several times that she was worried about the man that she would marry and about her fate to be a mother.
She was not ready yet.
There was still so much that she wanted to do…but the second she was wed she would not be able to do any of it, and they both knew that her clock was quickly running out of time.
“There! All done!” Kagome announced with pride as her fingers searched for the shirt she had practically torn off of him. They located it, but he did not put it on right away when she gave it to him. She tilted her head in silent question when she saw his lack of attempt to clothe himself.
“I am waiting for it to dry.”
She nodded and started playing with the hem of her dress as her eyes caught the gleam of the necklace he had worn around his neck since she had first met him. It was a beautiful necklace and one that held so much mystery to her. Inuyasha had never once spoken about why he wore it, who it was from, why he had it…nothing. He never took it off either. Not in all the years she had known him. She admired how it looked on him though. The soft gold complimented the tan of his skin and the rather delicate chain contrasted against the hard muscle which now made up most of his body.
Inuyasha had changed dramatically over the years. He was no longer a scrawny little boy who had bruises covering his body because of a dumb bully. No…now he was a man that radiated strength and power. His body had been changed into that of a man who was ready and willing to put up a fight. He had been turned into the ultimate killing machine.
Despite the change though, she knew Inuyasha to be the same. He would always be the boy she grew up with and her best friend.
“What are you thinking about,” she heard him ask her as he shifted to lean back on his arms.
“You,” she replied truthfully. She brought her hand up to the necklace he wore and started to delicately trace the metal, her fingers just barely touching it almost like little butterflies, just grazing each link ever so lightly and gracefully. “Why do you wear this,” she questioned softly, her fingers dancing across the pearl and jewel studded charm that hung on it. “I have never seen you without it.”
He was silent for a moment as he stared at her hand traveling across the necklace he wore.
“It was my mother's.” His hand came up to join Kagome's at the charm on his chain. “My father gave it to her when they were engaged. It was his gift of good will, in a way. He loved her from the moment he first saw her. He said that when she smiled, he knew that she was the one he was going to marry. He had never talked to her before, and she did not know who he was, but her father gladly gave his consent to him when he heard his status and what kind of life she would have. My mother hated him at first…she tried to do everything that she could to get him to give her back to her father, but he would not do it. Instead, he did everything that he could to make her life better with him, and one night he gave her this,” he gently palmed the necklace he wore, and Kagome felt slightly envious of the loving gaze he gave it. She did not know why though, for she had no right or reason to be envious of a necklace, after all.
“He told her that he knew she hated him for what he did to her, but if she let him, and if she took the necklace, he would try his best to make her the happiest woman in the world, and that he would love her like no other. She did not take it right away…but one day he found her sitting in the garden reading with the necklace on. When she passed away…my father almost had her buried in it…but…he could not do it.”
“Why not,” Kagome asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“He said that one day I would have someone I felt just as strongly for, and he wanted me to carry on the tradition and give it to her. He gave it to me just before he died. He felt that I would understand the importance of it then…and he was going off to a war. He must have had a feeling…” Inuyasha trailed off, the memory suddenly too painful. “Well…that is neither here nor there. I just wear it so that it is like there is a piece of them with me always. I always wanted a family, Kagome. You know that. Having this reminder of it just makes me feel…safe.”
Her smile melted his heart then. It was so warm and understanding and full of love. He craved her smiles—needed them to survive. They were like his oxygen.
He watched her fingers glide up the chain to around his collar bone, mere millimeters away from grazing his flesh. He found himself suppressing a shiver from running down his spine at the rather close, intimate contact.
“And then…do you know who you would like to give it to, one day?”
`Yes. I want to give it to you, Kagome,'voice whispered in his head.
“No.”
Kagome somehow looked like he had just stabbed her. The glowing light that was normally dancing in her eyes died as her smile dimmed. She slowly removed her hand from him, and her entire posture spoke of trying to distance herself from his person. “Oh,” he heard her whisper as she tucked a stray lock of hair back into place behind her ear.
Inuyasha gathered his shirt up and slipped it back over his head as Kagome started rubbing her arms as if she were cold.
Somehow, he could tell that things between them had just changed ever so slightly.
“Father has been receiving more proposals for my hand.” Somehow her words felt like an admission more than anything else to him.
“Oh?”
“Mm…he has not given them much consideration though. I asked him the other day if he intended on making any decisions anytime soon.”
“What did he say,” Inuyasha pried, secretly praying that he would never give his daughter away.
“He says that he is waiting for one proposal in particular. He claims that he has been waiting for it for years, but I do not know what to think, or who it could be from.”
“Perhaps he is waiting for someone he trusts will run the country well once he is gone?”
“Perhaps…but there are those who are starting to think him foolish for waiting so long. What do you think, Yash? Do you think him a fool?”
“In a way maybe. You are no longer the brand new thirteen year old. You are fifteen now…and you are getting older by the day. Your father cannot wait too much longer to wed you or else you will become an old maid.”
“That is probably what he wants. For me to stay a virgin all my life and be an old maid,” she spat, wrinkling her nose in distaste. “I wish that he would give me some say in who I marry…but I know that he will not. I wish I was still that naive thirteen year old who thought it possible to propose to a man and wed him.” She said this mostly to herself, but he still heard her all the same.
He had never accepted nor rejected her proposition. At the time he had not thought her to be serious…but now he could see that she was. Very much so.
Inuyasha reached over and grabbed a thin piece of leather to tie his long black hair back into a ponytail. He could feel Kagome's gaze watching his every move, and he felt slightly unnerved.
“We should…get going. They are going to serve supper soon and we do not want to be late,” he whispered, reaching out his hand to help Kagome stand after he himself was already on his feet. She nodded and accepted his hand, their moods both now darkened by their future and their innocent conversations.
Supper was a quite affair for them. They were too lost in their own thoughts to make much sense of what was going on around them or to try and make conversation with each other. Unfortunately for Kagome, she was a Princess, and as such, she had to talk to many different people. Inuyasha could feel his eyes growing heavy, however, so Kagome either had to wrap it up, or someone else would have to walk her back to her quarters.
He gave it another ten minutes before approaching her and whispering in her ear that he needed sleep and asked her what she would like him to do.
“Go on without me,” she softly relied, and so he did. He left her and with one last glance behind, made his way to his room. He stripped out of his shirt and contemplated leaving his pants on but quickly decided against it, completely undressing until he was left in only his very last undergarment.
Sighing, he collapsed on bed and quickly found himself surrounded by the welcomed darkness of sleep.
He almost wished he never woke up.
It was in the middle of the night when he first felt it. It was something moving next to him. He did not completely register the movement in his half asleep state, but he knew something was there. His body quickly went into solider mode, and when he had pinpointed the exact location of the foreign movement, he pounced. The startled shriek of a woman had not been quite what he was expecting and it quickly snapped whatever parts of him were still asleep awake.
His hands searched out the girl's mouth and clamped down over it. He did not need his superiors running in to find him nearly naked and on top of a woman. That spelled Trouble with a capital T.
“Shhh…” he hushed. “I will not hurt you, I promise.” His arm was searching for a light out to his side, but it was hard to find without rays from the moon to help him. Finally, he found it and lit it. When he saw the woman he was pinning down, he nearly fainted.
“Kagome…what are you doing here?” he sharply demanded, removing his hand from her mouth as he helped her into a sitting position. She knew better than to come into his room. She knew that if he were caught with her…like this…what was she thinking? And where were his pants?
“I…I was lonely.”
“So you decided to come here, even though you have spent countless nights on your own before?”
“Not here I have not! I could not sleep with the fact that there are so many boys here…I just…I was worried. What if one of them…tried something?”
She did not need to say more. He could tell from her eyes and from her tone that she was frightened. He sighed and rubbed his face. If he were to let her stay here, and if he were to be found to have kept her here, he would be expelled from the program. If she stayed on her own, in her room, by herself, and someone were to try something? He did not know which was the lesser of two evils: the destruction of his greatest dream next to having a family and a place to belong, or the destruction of the innocence of his best friend.
He prayed that come dawn he would not regret his decision.
“Fine…but at least let me put some pants on first,” he mumbled, slightly amused but still embarrassed by the way Kagome's eyes drifted to his lap and widened. When she had decided to crawl into bed with him, she had thought that he would at least be…more clothed then he was at the present moment. She scrambled away from him as fast as she could before covering her eyes with her hands and a blush staining her cheeks. She felt Inuyasha get off of the bed, and curiosity got the better of her. She spread her fingers ever so slightly, and what she saw only made the fifteen year old blush even more.
When she felt him crawl back into bed, she uncovered her eyes and gave him a shy look.
“What?”
“I peeked,” she admitted. She knew that she would have a horribly guilty conscience the next day if she did not tell him, so she decided to just simply be honest with him.
He blushed a little, but did not pursue the issue, nor did he berate her for it.
Instead, he gave a barely discernable “Are you comin'?” and she could not help but smile with relief. He lay down with his right arm to his side, and his left arm under his head. Kagome took in his position and crawled over to him after thinking about the best way to position herself around him. Ultimately, she had come to the conclusion that settling herself around him would be too difficult, so instead she simply settled partially on top of him, and partially off to the side. She gently placed her head on his chest, and her arms around his torso so that she would be lovingly holding him while they slept. She felt a delighted shiver run up her spine at his surprised gasp. She knew that he was thinking the same thing she was: that it felt good to rest like this again. They had not slept together in two years…not since she was thirteen.
Everything was the same…yet so different at the same time. The innocence that was once there was now gone. They were no longer two children who kept each other company at night. Now they were two adults, and there were so many implications for what they were doing. Inuyasha's skin scorched her everywhere they touched. This was not how it was before. Before they were just two children…but now…as two adults…
“G-good night, Kagome,” Inuyasha stuttered, his hand reaching out for the light.
“Good night, Yash.”
And with that, he extinguished the light and they were covered by darkness.
This only made things worse for Kagome, intensifying the situation and the emotions flowing through her veins. She could hear his heart beat. The strength and power behind it sent shivers up her spine. She was listening to the very existence of Inuyasha. Without the beating of this one organ, he would not be here. This is what gave him life. This is what let him live and breathe and thrive. The swaying of his chest from his lungs, the thumping of his heart…life. Life was precious. It was a delicate entity that could be stopped at any moment, and she was embraced within Inuyasha's arms, close to his life.
She found herself wanting more of that life. It was no longer enough to just be held in his arms…no…she wanted more than that. She wanted to taste his life—to experience it. She wanted to consume part of what made him live and take part of him into herself. She did not know what tomorrow would bring—no one did. But she wanted to hold a bit of his life...to experience a bit of him before that heart beat stopped.
She could feel herself almost shaking as she tentatively tested the waters. She started to gently rub her thumb in strokes ever so light against the flesh of his chest. She heard him deeply inhale, but he made no move to stop her. It felt good to rub his hot flesh. So, so very good. She felt her confidence increase when after a few moments of her strokes he had still not made a move. She grow bolder. She started to slid her hand from where it rest to the right, curious as to what she would find, if anything.
His skin was so soft and smooth. So hot and scorching. She could not stop herself from continuing to move her hand all over his chest. She paused when she came to something that had a different texture…it was bumpy. She could feel a larger bump when she continued onward. It was an odd part of his body, and she had no idea what it was. She had seen him shirtless before and his skin was mostly the same, except for…
Her eyes widened and her cheeks lit up.
She knew what it was now.
His hand came up to grasp her own and moved it away from what she was now touching and into more neutral territory.
“This is why,” she heard his hoarse voice begin, startling her and destroying the silence brought on by the night “people our age should not be doing what we are. Good night Kagome. Sleep.”
“Good…night, then.”
It should have been silent then. It was supposed to be silent, but it was not. She could still hear his heart. Every beat. Every pulse. She heard it, and because of this, she could not sleep.
“Are you not…curious?” she softly asked after a moment.
“Kagome—”
“Are you not curious? At least not a little?”
She could feel him sigh and felt his upper body shift as he moved his arm to rub his eyes.
“Even if I am—”
That was all Kagome needed to launch herself onto him and pin him in place, disregarding the `oof' she heard from below. She gently reached her hand up and started delicately tracing his features.
She could feel the heat of his reddening face under her hand and the smooth slopes created by his cheek bones. She wanted to press her lips against his cheek. Taste his flesh. What would he taste like? What would it be like to nip at it? To feel his skin with her lips? She moved her hand up and to the left. She could feel his nose in the darkness. The distinguished sharp lines created by bone and cartilage. Her hand glided off the tip of his nose to his lips. They were full and round. She brushed her thumb against them and found his lips to be slightly parted. His skin there felt so soft…so tempting…
“I am curious, Inuyasha. I want to know what it is like to touch someone I care about at least once before father weds me.” She leaned down until her lips were just a breath away. “Will you let me?”
She was anxious for his answer. She wanted this. She wanted to know what it would be like to kiss someone…and…she wanted to give her first kiss to someone special. There was no one more special in her life than Inuyasha. He was the perfect person, and the only one deserving of it, in her opinion.
Inuyasha felt the same way. He wanted so much from her. He wanted to hold her and love her and keep her with him always even though he knew that he could not. Perhaps that is what was so appealing to him about the night. Beneath its dark mask people could do whatever they wanted and not fear the consequences come dawn. It was like an intoxicating drug. It gave you the power and confidence to do what you wished. Even so, he was reluctant to say yes. He wanted this. He wanted it so much. He could not put what he felt first, however. Or perhaps he could.
If he were to not put his feelings first and worry about his country, he would not do it. She should be reserved in every way for her husband. By taking this one small part from her, he was also taking this one small thing from her husband.
If he were to put himself first, he would not do it because he would want more. He would either want to continue what she had started and go further, or he would want to keep her with him forever and always after tonight. Yes, he admitted that he wanted to do that in any case, but things would change.
Everything would change.
“Inuyasha…may I? I want to. Very much so. Will you allow it?”
He bit the inside of his cheek and said a silent prayer.
“Yes."
He felt her one hand move away from his lips and back over to his cheek, while her other hand slid up from his side and across his chest. He could feel it graze his neck and finally cup his cheek. He held his breath when warm air ghosted over his skin. His heart started to race and his breath caught in his throat. The suspense of her hanging over him was slowly killing him. He wanted to just reach up and pull her down, but he had agreed to doing this her way, essentially.
It seemed like forever before her lips gently pressed against his own. It was chaste and timid and done with before he could blink, but he felt that spark all the same. There was something magical that had just happened. Something that he knew would bind him to her for the rest of his days. She removed herself from his upper body before her actions could register in his mind.
She did not disturb him again that night.
In the morning, his life changed forever. Someone had seen Kagome leaving his room, after searching for her all night when noticing that she had gone missing.
He was kicked out of the program.
He remembered returning to his room and lethargically packing up his things. Nothing seemed to register to him. All he knew was that his dream—the thing that he had been working towards for the last eight years—was gone. He had nothing now.
No family.
No profession.
No place to live.
No place to belong.
He was nothing.
Kagome tried to come see him as he was packing his things, but he just could not bear the thought of seeing her then. It was partially her fault that he was in this position now.
Was it fair to blame her?
He did not know. He just knew that now, because he had agreed to let her stay with him that one night, he would be faced with consequences far beyond any he had ever thought that he would have to face.
When he left, he did not know where to go. He was not welcome anywhere, and he had nothing in his name. He could not go and seek to gain the help of the King. He had made it very clear that if he were to ever spend the night with Kagome again, he would have his head. He could not go to his old home for it had been claimed in lieu of not being able to pay anymore taxes. He knew that his old teacher would not take him in either.
There was only one thing he could do now: go to the stables and continue on as he had in the past looking over Ash and the other horses.
Kagome knew that he was there now. She had seen him there all the time, hiding from behind objects. She knew that he knew that she was there too. He just never approached her about it, and she was a coward.
She felt horrible for what she had done to him. She had started to cry herself to sleep. Not only had she killed her best friend's dream, she had also destroyed her relationship with him in every possible way. He would not talk to her now nor would he look at her. She did not know if it was because of what they did that night, or if it was because of the anger he felt because that night had happened.
Her reputation was suffering too.
Word of that night had spread far and wide like wild fire. She was sure that people were speaking words other then how risqué she was. She would almost be willing to say that they were now calling her a whore.
She did not care though. All she wanted, more than anything in the world, was to have her best friend back. She hated hiding from him, knowing that when she saw him next he would either remain silent, or yell at her for what she had done and what she had caused him.
Did he not understand though? She was suffering to. She needed him back in her life. She could not see herself without him there.
She bit her lips as she stared at him brushing Ash. She needed to do something. She needed him back, and the only way that was ever going to happen was if she went and talked to him. She took a deep breath and slowly started to approach him. She felt her blood speed up in apprehension while her heart ached to be with him again. He was humming to himself again.
She knew the tune. It was hard to not. He played it on his violin whenever he could. It was his favorite song and the first one his father had taught him. He seemed to be lost in both the tune and the brush strokes, however. The back and forth motion of his hand, the feel of the horse. The utterly perfect rhythm of the action seemed to have put him in a trance. Or perhaps he had allowed himself to be put into this trance because of the stress of late.
Slowly, she started to approach him, tentatively testing the ground with each step, almost afraid that he would hear her and run away like a frightened rabbit.
“Hey,” she whispered softly, gently touching his arm.
He stopped humming and stiffened, but made no attempt to stop what he was doing.
“How…have you been lately? I have not seen you around.”
Again, he was silent.
“Inuyasha…please…say something to me.”
“I have nothing to say, Kagome. What is done is done. There is nothing that can change what happened. I have been expelled from the program. There is nothing anyone can do now to get that back for me. You cannot, you're father cannot, not even God can. Even if someone could get it back for me, I would never be looked at the same way. No one would respect me, and everyone would attribute my success to what was done for me and not on my own merit. It. Is. Over.”
She was wrong…he was more than furious. He held the pits of hell's wrath in his heart now.
“Inuyasha, I am so, so, so sorry. I—”
“Am not the only one who is sorry. I wish…there are certain parts of that night that I would redo, Kagome. I would redo them in a heartbeat.”
“Which…parts?” she asked so quietly that he almost wondered if he were hearing things.
He put down his brush and walked over to the bench that they had shared so many heartfelt conversations in the past. He sat down with his neck bent, facing his lap and refused to move it to look at her as she sat next to him. Instead, he just kept his eyes down and his emotions in check.
“I knew what I was doing when I said that you could spend the night. I had seen the looks some of the men had given you that day, and I could understand your fear. I chose to protect you over protecting my dreams. You cannot blame yourself for that, for it is in truth as much your fault as it is mine. Can I see myself blaming you? Perhaps…and perhaps I will sometimes, but I need to understand that what I did by saying you could stay rests solely with me. It is my fault for not sending you away, and so I should not regret that part of the night.”
“Then…which part do you regret?” She was not even sure that she wanted to know. The part that he was implying he regretted she knew she would never feel the same as him towards. She cherished that kiss, and treasured the fact that he was her first kiss.
“We…took things too far that night.”
She felt her world crumble around her with that one sentence. He regretted kissing her.
“We should have never acted that familiar, Kagome. I took something from both you and whoever your husband will be one day. He deserved the right to have your first kiss. Not me. I have nothing now but this lowly job. I am nothing. I do not deserve the honor of having your first kiss. My mind was clouded in that respect that night, and if I had been thinking clearly, I would have never taken that from you.”
Kagome knew that if someone were to cut her open then, and look for her heart, all they would find was a fine, powdered dust where it used to live. He had done more than just crush her: he had completely demolished her. It was becoming harder for her to breath, and it suddenly felt like that powdered dust had caught in her throat.
“You may regret it, Inuyasha,” she bit out, feeling tears welling up in the corners of her eyes, “but I do not. I never will. You should know me well enough to know that I never do things such as this unless if I truly want to, and you must trust me when I say that I truly wanted to. How dare you disregard this? I know that you felt the connection as much as I when we kissed and you have no right to dispute that! You say that my first kiss should have been left for my husband? Well who is to say that he cannot be you? I proposed to you, did I not? You could marry me, could you not? You have every right to what happened as whatever God forsaken man my father decides to get rid of me to! All you have to do is accept it and ask my father.”
“You think that I would not like to? I have nothing offer!”
“You have yourself to offer! Should that not be enough?”
“When is it ever?” he laughed bitterly. “Your father will never marry you off to a stable boy!”
“You will never know unless you ask him!”
His grim chuckle startled her. What on earth was wrong with him?
“That will never happen, Kagome. I have been thinking of leaving.”
“Leaving?” She did not like where this was going. Where would he go? When would she see him again? Would see him again?
“I think that I should distance myself from you. I am hurting you and your reputation…and I fear that we have grown too close.”
“We are best friends!”
“What we did should not happen between friends! Even best friends!”
He was quite literally killing pieces of her being.
“I am sorry, Kagome, but I want to leave, and I plan on doing so when I get enough money.”
“When…will you be back.”
His silence. She did not want his silence.
“You will be back, right?”
Once again, he said nothing.
“Inuyasha, tell me you do not plan on going away for forever.”
“I do not know. I…am not planning on coming back.”
She looked up at him, her eyes wide and horrified…and then she ran. She ran and ran and ran and did not stop. How could he do this? How could he leave? His dream was dead…she could understand that. But to leave because they were now too close? He was her best friend! She grew up with him! How could he leave her! Yes…she had kissed him, but why was he making such a big deal out of this? How could he disregard everything just because they had briefly crossed that line? She needed him. She could not live without him. How could he? How could he?
She slowed down and found herself in her room, the safest place she had ever been in, save for Inuyasha's arms.
She fell down on her knees and started crying. She felt betrayed and like everything she and Inuyasha had ever done together was a lie. Their friendship was a lie if he were willing to give it up so quickly because of this.
She just had to sit there for a while and cry everything out. She needed to figure out her emotions.
Anger.
Depression.
Sorrow.
Sp ite.
Confusion.
Understanding.
Heartbreak.
< br>
Love.
Fear.
Need.
She felt all of them clear as day, and she was worried. She wanted him to stay here. She wanted him to marry her. She wanted to bear his children and be with him always. She did not know when she had started to mean her proposal to him, but somewhere along the line over the last two years she had grown to love him in ways she never thought possible. She did not want him to leave…and she did not want him to over react about this kiss.
She took deep, calming breaths, and slowly her mind started to clear like the sky after rain.
These things…they were what she wanted. Not what Inuyasha wanted. If she loved him as much as she said she did, would she not think about what he wanted as well?
She should, and so she did. Only one thing constantly came up, however, and that was his need to leave this place. He wanted to leave for God only knew how long, and that look in his eyes told her that he was hell bent on doing so. She could not stop him, and that thought pained her. It would take him forever though to earn enough to leave this place just looking after Ash.
A sob escaped her throat. She knew what she had to do. Did she want to do it? No. But she still would.
She rose from her knees, and with a trembling hand, she gathered up her gold and her jewels and anything of value. She carefully put them in a basket, and then slowly, she walked to the door and turned the knob, only to find Inuyasha on the other side.
“Kagome,” he breathed, air catching in his lungs when he saw the dried tear tracks, red cheeks, and red eyes.
“Here,” she bit out, thrusting the basket into his arms.
“What is this?”
“It is exactly what you need to leave this place. If you want to go and to throw our entire friendship away because of a kiss, then so be it. I will give you all that you need.”
He stared blankly at her, seemingly not understanding what she wanted him to do.
“Take it!”
She shoved the basket at his body and slammed the door in his face, only to break down crying again. Damn him…and damn his hold over her. And damn him for wanting to leave. And damn her for loving a man that did not want to fight for her.
Damn everything!
Inuyasha's hands were shaking. He had never expected Kagome to actually give him this. He was tempted to take what she had given him. He was…but he would not. He did not think that it would be wise to go in and talk to her now, no matter how much he wanted to try and calm her sobs. She needed a moment by herself—without him.
He left her then, and instead went in search of Kaede. She would be able put everything back where it belonged.
His mind wandered with him as he wandered the halls in search of Kaede.
He knew that she would react poorly when she found out that he wanted to leave. He knew that—yet he still told her that he was leaving. He honestly believed that it would be better for the two of them if he just…disappeared. And all because he had agreed to let her kiss him. He never should have done that. They crossed the line, and now, in his mind, there was no going back. Especially since now everything that he ever knew had changed and his dream was gone.
He knocked on the door leading into her room and waited for Kaede to open it.
“Who is it,” he could hear her call out and walk to the door.
“It is Inuyasha.”
The movement on the other side stopped.
“I need to give you something.”
“Is that all?”
“We…need to talk to. About Kagome.”
“I should hope so,” she bit out, throwing the door open and startling him. “Get in here. Now.”
He knew not to disobey that tone.
“What did you want to give me?”
“This,” he thrust the basket into her open arms. “Kagome gave this to me because she knows…she knows that I am going to leave.”
All of the animosity seemed to disappear from Kaede in that one moment.
“Leave? You…are leaving?”
“Yes.”
“Where are you going? For how long?”
“I do not know.”
“And you will be leaving when?”
“The second I get enough from the stables.”
She nodded her head as if coming to a grim conclusion. Apparently, she had. “You, sir, are a coward and an ass.”
He felt like she had just slapped him in the face with her words. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You are a coward. How could you do this to her? You ruin her reputation—”
“—Now wait a minute here—”
“—You kiss her—”
“—She kissed me!”
“—And now you want to leave?”
“To protect her from me!”
“How are you protecting her from you by leaving?”
“It is because I kissed her that I should leave!” he could feel his throat start to constrict. “When we kissed…I felt something that should have never been there. The King will marry her off to someone, and we cannot feel for each other the way we do!”
“So your solution is to leave.”
“Yes…my solution is to leave. If I leave…I will not be here to love. Neither of us will love.”
Her eyes softened and she nodded in understanding. She did not think that it would help the situation, however. She would know…she had come to love Inuyasha just as much as and in the same way as Kagome did.
“I will give this back to her.”
“Thank you, Kaede.”
“Stay here,” she commanded, and he nodded in consent, sighing when the door had closed all the way.
What had his life turned into?
His dream? Gone.
His friendship with Kagome? Destroyed.
His place to belong? Demolished.
He slumped down in a chair at Kaede's desk and started rubbing his eyes.
God…what had his life tuned into?
And worst of all…why did he feel like it was all his fault?
He would have given anything to go back to when he was fourteen and Kagome was twelve. Things were so much simpler then.
He stopped rubbing his eyes and allowed his vision to focus on a book Kaede kept on her desk. It was open and filled with feminine cursive. Was this...her diary? His fingers twitched. He really wanted to go through that book, even if he knew it was wrong. His fingers twitched again. Kaede would kill him if she ever found out that he went through it. His fingers twitched again. It was an invasion of privacy and he had no right to look at—was that his name?
He grabbed the book and skimmed through it until he found the beginning of the entry, marking it today's date. The beginning was rather boring and he skipped over most of it. Then he came to parts with more intrigue.
Like Kagome.
And how Kagome was feeling.
And how he had hurt Kagome.
`…she could have not heard what they said behind her back. They whispered it loud enough. I do not know how she can submit to this treatment! I know that she must as the princess, but even I would want to slap them for calling me a whore. I know that she must feel the sting of their words, especially since she told me that she is still a virgin! Oh Kagome…what have you done? Why did you do it? How can I even think to blame you when I know that I would have sought comfort in him had our positions been reversed? If our positions had been reversed…had he ever looked at me in the light he gazes at you in…I dare say that I may not have stopped with just a kiss upon my lips.
The King is furious, though. I fear for Inuyasha almost as much as I fear for Kagome…or perhaps I fear more for him. He has been lucky thus far. Kagome has stopped him from issuing a warrant for his death many different times, but I fear what will happen if she cannot in the future.
I can almost see the gallows now. Or perhaps he will choose to behead him? I cannot stand the thought of it! His head rolling around on the floor and his beautiful hair stained with his blood…no. We need to do everything in our power to prevent both of these problems. Kagome's name from being further tarnished, and Inuyasha…oh how my heart would break if something were to happen to him!
I fear I have grown to love him too much, diary. I envy Kagome every day, and not because of her beauty or power or wealth or status. I envy her because whenever Inuyasha would come here, he would never look for me. He would look for her. He would want to spend time with her while I watched over them. I wished countless times before when he spent the night here that I would be the one next to him as he slept. I love the way his eyes shine in bright, dim, dusk, and moon light. I have to stop myself from kissing the corner of his lips whenever he smirks. Sometimes, I truly wish I were her…just so that I can be closer to him.
How long have I let these feelings grow, diary? How can I let myself love him? Why do I—'
He put the book down.
He had seen enough.
***
Life between Kagome and Inuyasha quickly became tense after that day. She was well aware of the fact that he wanted to leave, yet he had rejected her offer to help him achieve this new goal of his. She was still heartbroken, and shocked, that she was part of the reason he wanted to leave.They had shared one kiss. One single, quick, loving, timid, electrifying kiss. One that she had secretly been replaying in her mind over and over and over again, remembering the way he had felt below her and the sensation of his warm, smooth, hard chest beneath her hand. The way his breath caught ever so slightly when she finally pressed her lips against his…
But how could he be willing to leave their almost eight years of friendship over that?
He was reacting too strongly.
Inuyasha on the other hand knew that while his actions may seem rash, what he was going to do was for the best. His friendship with Kagome was ruined on so many different levels.
He could never look her in the eye again because of that kiss…and…now his love for her seemed stronger than ever. He did not need for his love to be this strong—strong enough that he could almost taste it.
His feelings towards Kaede had changed too.
She was no longer Kagome's primary care giver. Now, she was a woman. A woman who had seen great pain in the world. Her fiancé had died in the same war his father had been killed in. She had never found another, and now, the twenty one year old had taken more than just a liking to him. Her feelings for him were almost as strong as his feelings for Kagome.
So now, because of that blasted diary, he had an interesting question that he now had to answer: would he act on Kaede's feelings and at least court her?
She was an attractive woman. Not beautiful like Kagome…no one could ever be as beautiful as Kagome though. She was like God's greatest piece of art…taking months to carefully and skillfully craft her into what she is: the most beautiful woman in the world. If Helen's face could have launched a thousand ships, Kagome would have launched a million ships.
No…Kaede was no Kagome. Not by a long shot.
She was, however, still an attractive woman.
And she was kind at that. Kaede had helped care for him when he was still young. She had also helped Kagome smuggle him into the castle more times than he could count, and had snuck him food from the kitchens when he spent the night. She had sewn up his clothing when he had gotten holes in it, and had made him new when his old became to raggedy.
Kaede was a good woman. One that any man would be proud to call his wife.
Why was reluctant to broach the subject of a courtship with her then?
`Because you love Kagome,' his subconscious whispered.
He did love Kagome…but he had to let her go for her own good. If he loved her, he would let her go, and oh how he loved her!
Oh how tangled and complicated their lives had become! And all in a matter of a few short weeks.
Inuyasha gave Ash another pat on his romp and sat down on the bench he had told Kagome he was leaving on, cradling his head in his hands as his elbows dug into his knees.
He was doing all of this for Kagome…but…did he not have a right to be happy as well? Did he not deserve a chance at happiness with someone? Why did he have to be alone all his life? Should he not have a family and a wife and a home?
Kaede loved him, and while he did not hold the same feelings for her, he could grow to love her. Anything was possible, after all.
He nodded his head having come to a decision. He would court Kaede. Maybe…maybe he would even ask her to come with him when he left. He was still determined to leave, no matter what.
The idea had taken root in his mind, and there was no letting go of it now. He wanted to see the world, and if he had a woman at his side, all the better. If he fell in love along the way, then so be it.
***
“There…all set for bed.”Kaede put down the brush she had been brushing Kagome's hair with, and smoothed out her skirts, glancing out the window to gage the time. She had perhaps another two hours before she would go to meet with Inyasha.
“You seem rather eager to send me off to bed tonight, Kaede. Is there a reason for this?”
“No…none at all. Well, you are all set, so I should leave you now.”
“Oh? Normally we talk around now. You have not been very talkative lately. I almost feel as if there is something you are keeping from me. Is there?”
Kaede had to find her best neutral face and put it on.
“There is nothing, My Lady. I am simply feeling ill tonight.”
Kagome nodded her head in understanding.
“Alright then. You should go and rest up. Feel better, Kaede.”
“Good night, Kagome,” she smiled, almost running out the door. She had much to do if she wanted to look presentable for Inuyasha. She ran down to her room, slamming the door behind her and scrambled out of her clothes and into the dress she had been taking great care of for the last week since Inuyasha had approached her. She quickly pulled her now very messy hair down and glanced out the window. She did not have time to redo it. She would just have to wear it down and in waves. She grabbed a light cape and was gone.
She could not help but smile, she saw him standing under the tree by the well with his hands in his pockets.
She had a good feeling about tonight.
She just prayed that Kagome could forgive her one day.
A/N: (Original posting: 3/4/10)*Lyric to David Bowie's song Within You (http://www.youtube. com/watch?v=y1-l0UNCKJM)don't own it.
Alright…1: Don't kill me. 2: Don't kill me. 3: Don't kill me. 4: There will be a minor Inuyasha X Kaede streak, but it IS an Inuyasha X Kagome story. Please remember the prologue or the first chapter. These last two chapters have just been flash backs5: Don't kill me…exams are coming up and I feel the pressure, so no updates for a while. 6: I needed to get him kicked out, and you will eventually see why.
I didn't edit this chapter…Sorry…but I wanted to get this up ASAP!
IMPORTANT: There is a 79% chance of citrus in the next chapter.
No guarantees on when I can post next…but I will try to get something done ASAP!Thanks to the VERY few who have red and reviewed! I would REALLY appreciate it if we could up the ante on that :)
Now for the AR's!!!
To: kokoronagomuSadly though, back then no one (or at least many) did not or could not wed for love. Since we are talking about the King (…I think…) he can't necessarily marry her off to someone just because she loves someone. She is his only child: that means that her marriage will more than likely have to be a political one, or one of someone who can prove that they can lead a country. But to hell with that, really. I don't think I'm truly following how things were done back then. There will be angst…this IS one of my stories…and as for a happy ending…well…the chapter with the wedding will be fun. (Though I do believe that we just became friends on facebook, so need be if you REALY want to know how it ends, I can tell you there.) Thanks for the review and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!!!!
To: frannnnnAwww…Thanks!!! I'm so glad you like it! I tried to update it as soon as I could!! Reviews are always great motivation for getting me to update sooner though :). Thanks for the review, and I hope that you enjoy the next chapter!!!!
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