Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts! ❯ Chapter 3

Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

By Charles Xavier

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Chapter Three

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Having departed from the Disney Castle, Donald, Goofy and the Nerd were on their way to rescue Sora and the princesses. With Yuffie aiding them, surely this mission wouldn’t prove too difficult. However, the Nerd was exploding with rants about the Gummi Ship’s flaws…

“Why can’t we move any faster than this?” he exclaimed, bashing random buttons in all directions. “Goddamn! Is space really this boring…just an empty endless void? It’s like taking a tour into my own ass! I’ve had better fun playing a one-screened Atari game than sitting through this shit!” Firing his cannons at tiny asteroids was the only enjoyment he could get out of this boring ride. The journey to Kefka’s Tower was a long way ahead and Lord knows what else could be worse. “Is there any possible way we could make things more exciting here?”

Donald and Goofy shrugged clueless.

“That’s where munny comes in.” said Yuffie with a cheeky grin. “You have any munny…or better yet, Materia…maybe I’ll be kind enough to ask Chip and Dale to speed this trip up a little.”

“Fuck that.” the Nerd shook his head, switching the Gummi Ship to autopilot, a feature he didn’t notice until now. “I’ve got a better idea to pass the time: playing shitty fucking games!” he opened a drawer stashed full of awful games, stretching from the ancient NES to the fairly old Playstation 2. He took his time to pick his first victim. Yuffie couldn’t quite figure out why the Gummi Ship would store such useless junk, but it was satisfactory enough for the Nerd as he scowled loathsomely at all the abominable creations. “Okay, here’s one for the Super NES: ‘Final Fantasy Mystic Quest’. More like ‘Mystic Shit out of a Porcupine’s Asshole’! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! It’s like waiting for a bison to take a morning piss on your face!”

“Oh, c’mon! Stop being so grouchy! It’s not that bad of a game!” Yuffie had to object to his negative comments. “It may not be as entertaining as the other ‘Final Fantasy’ titles, but it’s still pretty decent once you get used to the gameplay.” she patted him on the shoulder to ease up the tension. Donald and Goofy didn’t wish to see the Nerd lose his temper on this obscure RPG. Perhaps it was best if he played something a bit more simplistic. “Here, why don’t you try playing this one instead?” Yuffie handed him a game that brought an initial frown upon the Nerd’s face. He certainly couldn’t recall seeing this game on any shelf:

“‘Yuffie’s Materia Adventure’, for the Game Boy Advance.” the Nerd raised his brows and tilted his head sideways. He’d never played this side-scroller game before, so all he could do was keep an open mind. The again, he was bound to find SOMETHING bullshit. “All right! Let’s play this son of a bitch.”

Ten minutes later…

“What a shitload of fucking bullshit!” the Nerd yelled, crossed as ever. “This game is fucking horrible! I’ve had more fun playing with hamster turds!”

“Don’t be a hater!” said Yuffie. “It’s just a game! And besides, how could a spin-off game focusing on me be so bad, especially when it’s about my biggest adventure gathering all the Materia in the world?”

“Materia my hairy balls! First off, these controls are atrocious! Instead of normally having the A button to jump, it’s the B button! And when I press A, all you do is toss worthless ninja stars that simply fly OVER your enemies, and not straight! Now what the fuck is that shit? It doesn’t make any logical sense, and the L and R buttons don’t do dog shit either! What a joke!

The enemies in the game are just beyond any description whatsoever. Flying kimonos, dancing chopsticks, moon walking sandals, blood thirsty sneakers, giant bouncing bananas, and ill-tempered man-eating Moogles? Do you remember any of these characters from ‘Final Fantasy VII’? I sure don’t! They take about a dozen hits to go down, so you have to be a hundred percent accurate with your aiming. What’s worse, there’s no health bar, and if you get hit once, you die and have to start all over from the beginning of the stage. And it’s not just the enemies you have to look out for. There’s falling rocks, spiked traps and Chocobos…yes, even the cute dumb ass Chocobos are out to peck you to death! But the thing that really grinds the shit up my throat is that you instantly drown if you fall into water. Come on! Aren’t ninjas trained to fucking swim? Either that or Yuffie’s just a stubborn Materia-masturbating Shinobi bitch!”

“HEY! I HEARD THAT!” Yuffie slapped him on the head for his uncalled remark.

“I can’t even get past the first level. So the only way to progress any further is to use passwords, but look at this, typing each password is like writing a fucking Tolkien novel! Why do they have to be so long with capital and lower case letters, numbers, question marks, exclamation marks, full stops, commas and what other fuckernauts? The password system should be short, simple and straight forward to use!

Cock sucking assholes! I’m not at all surprised that Square Enix never decided to release this game. In fact, it’s a blessing to me! Final Fantasy fans would be offended, Yuffie fans would be offended, the President of Square Enix would be offended by this whole project, and I’m offended, because ‘Yuffie’s Materia Adventure’ is a fucking piece of dried up hog shit!”

“Gimme that!” Yuffie suddenly snatched the game from his hands. “That’s enough out of you! Your taste in video games is just out of the question! I’ll show you how a real game expert plays! Why, I could finish this game like baking a cake in the oven!”

One hour later…

“FUCK THIS HORRIBLE GAME!” Yuffie cried, punching the Game Boy Advance with all bitter hatred. “DAMN IT TO HELL! I’m so pissed I haven’t been so pissed in my whole life! I’d rather shove all the Materia I have up my ass! I’d rather bite a Moogle’s head off and suck its blood dry! This game is a freak in all of nature, so I’m gonna have to destroy it!” she tossed it into the air, whipping out a shuriken. It was a clean hit and the cartridge was sliced into two. That wasn’t the end, though. “It’s hammer time!” Yuffie picked up a giant mallet and laughed in ecstasy as she smashed the remains, down to the tiniest fragments.

“It’s all right, Yuffie. I know how you feel.” said the Nerd, passing a refrigerated bottle of Rolling Rock to the exhausted ninja. “Here, drink this. It’ll cool you down.”

Just when Yuffie could take her first sip of frosty beer, Donald and Goofy were forced to shout as they pointed their fingers ahead: “LOOK OUT!”

An unexpected collision rocked the Gummi Ship and threw everyone off their seats. Yuffie and the Nerd didn’t know what hit them when they crashed directly into Kefka’s haunting tower. Perhaps the autopilot strategy wasn’t such a good idea after all. Within moments, the Heartless swarmed the wreckage and by the time the heroes emerged, they were clearly outnumbered.

“We can’t possibly fight these many Heartless!” Goofy bit his fingers, his shield trembling with impending fear.

“Any tips you can give us, Nerd?” Yuffie asked, armed with her Conformer and hugging against his back. “We could sure use some of your video gaming knowledge right about now.”

The Nerd scratched his brain. “Erm…not really. Either we run away and jump down falling to a horrible untimely death, or we fight to get our asses handed to us!”

“I’m willing to take that bet!” Yuffie charged straight at the Heartless, eliminating a few, until she felt her body paralyzed by an unseen spell caster. “I…can’t move!”

Goofy and Donald were unable to help, as they soon felt themselves in the same state. They could hardly drop their jaws when Kefka revealed himself amongst the crowd of Heartless stepping aside for him.

“Well, well! It appears that we have some uninvited guests tonight!” he smiled fiendishly, rolling his malevolent eyes at the powerless ninja girl. “Who’s this we have here? If it isn’t that illegitimate thieving child from Wutai…you love mischief, don‘t you?”

“Step away from Yuffie and let my pals go,” the Nerd pointed his NES Zapper at Kefka’s crotch. “or I’m gonna blow your goddamn dick off before you can shout ‘what a shitload of fuck’! I don’t give a monkey’s ass about your evil plot, but if I wanna head back home in one piece, I’ll have to-”

A Heartless leapt at the Nerd, yoinking away his gun before he was tackled to the ground. The Nerd struggled helplessly, and Kefka let out his signature laugh.

“VWEE! HEE! HEE! Take them all to the dungeons!”

“Fuck!” the Nerd grumbled.