Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts! ❯ Chapter 4

Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

By Charles Xavier

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Chapter Four

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“So, what are you guys in for?”

The Nerd asked the boys. Yuffie was startled to find Sora and Riku in their cell. Looked like they were all cell mates.

“Yuffie?” said Sora under his breath. “Yuffie, it’s you! What happened?”

“Well, believe it or not, we came all this way to save your heinies. Seems like we’ve ended up stuck here in the same swamp as you.”

“Who’s your new friend?” Riku nudged his head at the Nerd. “Never seen him before.”

“That’s because I don’t belong in this fucking game!” the Nerd snorted, rolling his eyes away. “What a goddamn bowl of buffalo bullshit! It’s because of your hairy asses that I had to become part of this god awful vomit regurgitating hell hole!”

“Yikes.” said Sora. “What’s his problem?”

“Don’t ask.” replied Yuffie, unwilling to explain.

Things weren’t looking bright. The Nerd couldn’t even reach his finger for a bottle of beer since he was shackled to the wall. With Kefka’s plans flowing underway, hope to save Kairi and the princesses was quickly fading. Perhaps the Nerd’s gaming knowledge wasn’t enough to stop a mad, power hungry clown.

“Shit Pickle!”

The Nerd heard a distinct voice from outside the barred window. “Look!” he shouted in joy at the presence of his vegetarian pal. “It’s Shit Pickle!”

“Who Pickle?” frowned everyone.

“Shit Pickle! Shit Pickle! Shit Pickle!” the bouncing pickle hopped down and greeted everyone with its head dripping with wet cow dung. “Shit…Pickle!”

“Nerd…” Yuffie had to ask. “…what kind of friends do you make?”

But the Nerd hadn’t time to answer questions and was already giving orders to Shit Pickle. “Listen up! You gotta get us out of here before Kefka gets all badass and starts ruling this bitch! Hurry!”

Shit Pickle made haste, jamming into the locks and using himself as a key. Without any time wasted, everyone was released from their chains. Quickly, they started gathering their equipment to prepare for the battle that awaited beyond the prison door.

“Thanks, Shit Pickle. We owe you one.” the Nerd cracked his knuckles and lifted his Super Scope onto his shoulder. “But now, it’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum!”

“Um, but we don’t have any gum.” interrupted Goofy.

“Aw, fuck it! Let’s just get this over with!” the Nerd aimed his scope at the locked door and a clean hit blasted it wide open. Immediately a swarm of Heartless flooded in, blocking the exit. “Say hello to my little friend!”

The Nerd fired another shot, wiping out a small handful. The others charged with their weapons and took out the surviving members, who were unprepared for such a brutal attack. Donald cast several lightning spells which eliminated a majority, and there remained one Heartless left, uncertain if it could escape the pounding it was going to get. The Nerd stepped forward and delivered a series of merciless punches, knocking it senseless until it collapsed before his feet. But he didn’t finish there. The Nerd unzipped his trousers and bent right over the poor creature’s face.

“Bombs away!” without shame, the Nerd expelled his wastes onto the Heartless, leaving him half buried in a sickening stench that no one could inhale.

“EWWW! Grossness!” Yuffie pinched her nose and looked away.

“I didn’t expect that to happen.” said a shocked Riku.

“Pee-you! What did you eat?” Sora pulled his shirt over his nose. “Do you do this all the time?”

“It’s a dirty job.” said the Nerd. “But somebody’s gotta do it!”

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Reaching the top of Kefka’s Tower took longer than the Nerd hoped. The number of Heartless they had to barge through each floor was so maddening that it made him unleash his endless series of verbal attacks.

“Shit! Fuck! Ass! Mother fucker! What the fuck? Shit load of fuck! Asshole! Son of a cock! Fuck load of shit! Holy shit! Fucknutt! Shitballs! Son of a bitch! Fuck face! Monkey fuck!”

…and so on and so on. Sora and Riku were thankful that he didn’t live with them on Destiny Islands. They would have let the Heartless consume them first than let that be.

With Yuffie, Donald and Goofy holding off the last batch of enemies, the boys raced to the top, kicking the doors open to face their fiendish adversary…

“Sora…Riku!” cried Kairi, chained to the wall.

The princesses gasped in amazement when they set eyes upon the dorkiest and nerdiest hero stepping in with his shirt shredded and glasses shattered. He sure had been through one heck of a war zone…almost like John Rambo. He raised his Super Scope, striding monstrously at Kefka.

“Well done.” Kefka politely applauded. “I didn’t expect you’d make it this far in such good time. Have you come to watch the show unfurl?”

“Enough with your jokes, Kefka!” Sora leapt with his Keyblade. “This ends now!”

“Ah…but the show has just begun, boy.”

Sora and Riku had a sinking feeling, and were suddenly forced down on their knees, dropping their weapons. Kefka’s paralysis spell was a cunning trick under his sleeve, and it never failed to leave its victims vulnerable like a sitting duck. The Nerd, however, was not affected, and took his attempt to zap Kefka before he knew what hit him.

“See you later, fucking alligator!” the Nerd yelled, fixing his target at the grinning clown. But much to his misfortune, the Scope was drained of energy, and out of ammunition. “FUCK!” he yanked out his NES Zapper, and burst open with fire. Kefka casually avoided the shots, appearing and disappearing as he willed. He cast a Fire 3 spell on the Nerd, leaving his Zapper toasted to a crisp…not to mention most of his clothes. Stubborn to give up, the Nerd unsheathed his polished katana, pointing it fiercely at Kefka, who simply cast another spell to turn the blade into harmless rubber. “Shit the fuck! What the hell are you?” exclaimed the Nerd. “You’re impossible to beat! A Game Genie wouldn’t help monkey balls either!”

“As you can see, Nerd, this battle’s victory clearly belongs to me. Give up while you still can, before I obliterate you into pieces!” Kefka was summoning one of his most powerful spells: Ultima. The tower shook as much as it started to collapse. Without any more strategies left, the Nerd was about to face defeat…

…that was until an idea struck him.

“It’s not over yet until I say it’s over, dick head!” the Nerd shouted, raising up his new summoned weapon. “Because I’ve got the Power Glove!”

“NO!” Kefka feared, taking a step back. “Not the Power Glove!”

“You bet your clowny ass it is, mother fucker!” the Nerd grinned. “If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me!”

“I won’t allow it! Never!”

Ultima was complete and Kefka executed the devastating spell, while at the same time, the Nerd made a courageous leap, clenching his fist and gathering all his strength into one single blow. And then…

KABOOM!!!!