Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Contrl is an Illusion ❯ A Terrible End ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

: I don’t own Kingdom Hearts, Square Enix does
Music: AFI-Rabbits are Road kill on Route 37 (Once again!)
Rating: M
Warnings: Yaoi, rape, alcohol, and a crap load of other stuff.
Author’s Note: This is the end, there is nothing more. I am done. This is the first fan fiction I have finished, and I can’t think of a better piece of work I have produced. Please read and review, and I hope this might make you think a little clearer about death, though I am not sure. I love you all, you were a great audience, now please enjoy the final chapter.
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My day started as it always did, with the simple act of waking up. The only difference was, when I woke up, I was in the warm protective arms of my best friend, who was still asleep. Leon looked quite peaceful, propped up against the pillows with his arms around me. He must have stayed like that watching me last night.

His peaceful demeanor was disturbed when his cell phone, which was laying on his desk, started ringing. He opened his eyes slowly, as if he were still asleep, and looked around dazedly. I smiled at him and he shook his head to clear his vision. It wasn’t until then that he realized his phone was ringing.

He sighed and leaned over some, disturbing me from my resting spot against his chest, and picked up the phone, he checked the front then flipped it open and held it to his ear.

“Hello?….”

I watched him with bleary eyes. He looked to be concentrating on something in the corner of the room, but when I turned to look, I saw nothing. Eventually the squeaky little voice shut up and Leon responded.

He’s here…yeah….last night….pretty late, about two…yeah….he’s still here…” Leon glanced over at me, I looked at him worriedly but he shook his head. “He seems fine to me…yes officer….see you in a bit….bye.” Leon flipped the phone shut and tossed it on the floor, leaning back against the headboard of the bed and closing his eyes.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Officer Brown…she said…that when she couldn’t find you she went over to your house to see if you were there…when she came in she discovered…a body.”

I shifted my gaze down to Leon’s chest and kept it there, I knew what he was going to say next.

“She…she wants you to stay here until she can question you. She said you don’t have anything to worry about if you killed him, you can easily prove self-defense…”

“It wasn’t in self-defense.” I whispered.

“What do you mean?” Leon opened his eyes slowly and looked at me. “You just, lashed out at him?”

I nodded slowly, feeling the tears come back to my eyes. “He….he killed my cat, no…mutilated him, and he said things…I don’t remember what, but….something inside me just snapped, and I…I…” I think my eyes went black at theat point, from there I started to re-live what had happened, the sights, the smells, the feel of the knife slowly sinking into his chest, and the ease it took to pierce his heart. Memories I didn’t know I had came back, of me slicing him up like he did to Tabby, and so much blood…

“Cloud snap out of it!” Leon’s hand connected with my cheek in a fairly hard slap. It hurt, but it made me come back to reality.

“I….I…I killed him…”

“Yeah…”

My hand involuntarily twitched. I moved away from Leon’s warmth and receded back into the shadows of the room again, staring at that hand. My eyes widened while looking at it and I started shaking.

“Cloud? He Cloud are you alright?” Leon had gotten up b now and was approaching me warily.

“Stay back!” I ordered, backing away from him again. I was up against the bathroom door now.

He stopped, and backed up some. “Cloud, it’s ok…it wasn’t your fault…”

“Like hell! Leon do you know what I did? I killed a man! And not just any man, my own father!”

“Stepfather….” he corrected.

“Does it matter??? Leon, I killed him! I took that knife and slid it through his ribs and pierced his heart and I killed him. That means he won’t breath, won’t walk, won’t talk-”

“Won’t beat you.”

“Won’t rape me.”

Leon’s eyes widened and he took a step backward. That single gesture set me off, sent me over the edge. He backed away, he hated me. I was filthy scum, even to him. I couldn’t take this, I couldn’t live with that guilt without someone to care for me.

I rushed into the bathroom and shut the door, locking it as I went. Hurriedly I started tearing apart Leon’s medicine cabinet, trying to find a certain something, this had to end.

“Cloud?! Cloud!” Leon started beating on the door, his voice drifting through the thick wood. “Cloud baby its alright! Come out!”

“No!” I yelled. I had made up my mind, this was going to end now.

“Cloud listen to me, I love you ok? I’ll never think bad of you, come on out and explain this to me. It wasn’t your fault if he did that to you!”

“Shut up!” I cried. It wasn’t in the medicine cabinet, so I started tearing apart the drawers, but it wasn’t there either. Did Leon not carry any razors?

“Cloud, come on, come out here so I can help you, this won’t to any good, at least unlock the door!” I heard him jiggle the doorknob, but I ignored it. I wasn’t going out there, I had made up my mind, I was going to die like Sephiroth. I had him in me, I was unclean, I needed this to end.

The bathtub caught my attention, hurriedly I ran to it and started filling it with water, urging the water to go faster.

“Cloud?! What’s that noise? Cloud? Answer me!” He began pounding on the door, trying to make me open it. After a moment I heard a thump, as if he had run against the door.

‘Is he going to break down the God-damn door???’ I thought. But I didn’t care, I only needed a few more minutes…

The water filled up enough by the third thump, quickly I shoved my head in the water and tried to breath. My reflexes forced me to jump up, but my desperation and adrenaline allowed me to keep my head placed firmly in the water. I gulped down more water, trying as hard as I could to fill up my lungs. Panic rushed through me, and thinking became hard, but one thought stood out above the rest. ‘I’m going to die, God, I don’t deserve heaven, send me to hell, please.’

The last thing I remember before passing out was the door breaking open and Leon jerking me out of the water.
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I sat in the emergency room waiting for the news, any news, of how he was doing. Cloud had done a very foolish thing, and I couldn’t understand why he had tried to kill himself. I had thought that, with Sephiroth gone, he could come live with me and we would be happy. He seemed happy enough at first, but then he had freaked so much about it. He had said Sephiroth had raped him, I knew that Sephiroth had hurt him, but I hadn’t know he had gone that far. Part of me was sad that Cloud had never told me.

My stomach clenched as I saw a nurse come ot of the hall and head toward me, was this the news I had been waiting for? Was this the news of Cloud’s condition?

But she walked right by me to go to the coffee machine. The same machine I had visited almost 30 times in the last 7 hours.

“There’s none left.” I told her. She looked over at me and raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean none left? We’ve had hardly any people in today…”

“I drank it all.” I announced. She looked taken aback, but when she checked, sure enough, there was no coffee.

“That isn’t healthy.”

“Neither is waiting, how is he?”

“It’s too soon to say sir.”

I looked away from her. 7 hours and it was too early to say. How pathetic was that? Why couldn’t they just examine him and tell me how he was? I was worried dammitt!

“Mr. Leonheart?”

My head shot up on it’s own accord, my hand twitching around to grip my jeans. Must be all the coffee making me so nervous.

“What?” I asked anxiously, a doctor had come from…somewhere and was standing next to me.

“I’m sorry Mr. Leonheart but may I talk to you in private?”

My heart sank. Please don’t let them tell me he’s dead, don’t let him be dead.

We walked into a private room to the side of the hall, when he closed the door, I was relieved to no longer hear the strange beep of medical equipment, or smell that sickening smell. I could see why Cloud hated hospitals.

“Mr Leonheart I think you better take a seat.”

Oh no, not the seat thing, that could only mean bad news.

“I have some good news and some bad. Which would you like to hear first?”

“The good.” I responded. I’d had too much bad news lately for me to handle, I needed some good news.

“Cloud will be alright, his suicide attempt failed. You pulling him out of the water saved his life.”

My spirits rose. Cloud was alive, he wasn’t dead!

“However…” My spirits sank again. “We checked to see how badly his other injuries had affected him. Though there is a lot of bruising and some internal bleeding, there are also some fractured bones, one such fracture is in serious danger of spreading, and it’s located on his spine. To make matters worse, a piece of chipped bone has lodged itself into the crack, making it grow.

My eyes widened. “So…what happens if it grows?”

The doctor looked away, then back at me. “At best, he’ll become a vegetable.”

My whole body started shaking. All the good news was forgotten, this news was just too horrible. “Can you stop it?”

“No. it’s too close to the spinal cord for surgery, he would only have a 5% chance of surviving it.”

“So he’s doomed.” I said weakly.

The doctor put his head down and rubbed his temples with his fingers. “I’m afraid that isn’t all. You told us that he said he was raped…well we had him tested for STD’s and…”

“Oh God no..”

“He tested positive for HIV.”

I know my mind overloaded. This was too much. Cloud had suffered enough, why couldn’t he finally get everything he ever wanted? I loved him dammitt! And I know he loved me, he just didn’t know how to say it. And now he was injured beyond repair, and if those injuries didn’t kill him the disease would…

I cried. I know I did. The tears came uncontrollably. The doctor said nothing, but he did hand me a box of Kleenex. He put a hand on my shoulder and shook hi head. “Ill leave you alone for a few minutes, we haven’t told him about his condition yet, but if you’d like to tell him you can. See him when your ready, he’s in room 2-A.”

I nodded and grasped the Kleenex as if it were my only lifeline.
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Cloud’s room was small, and shared by another patient. When I walked in on him he was asleep, and had one of those IV things sticking out of his arm and the heart monitor attached to his chest. He also had the oxygen in his nose. Why did the hospital always do those three things? It seemed like no matter what the injury, it always got those three things.

I sat in a chair across from him and watched him sleep. He seemed so peaceful, and if it wasn’t for the rising and falling of the chest I could have sworn he was dead.

Sometime around noon he woke up. I was almost asleep, but he woke me when he cleared his throat. I looked up and saw him glaring at me.

“You stopped me.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

“Bullshit.”

I was taken aback. “What do you mean bullshit? You seemed to think that the other day.”

“If you loved me you would have let me die.”

“…” I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t want Cloud to hate me, but I didn’t want him to lose his life over this, not that it would matter. I never got what I wanted.

“Cloud, why do you want to die?”

“I died a long time ago Squall.”

I flinched at my real name, but I didn’t hesitate. “What do you mean?”

“Do you know what it feels like to be raped nearly every day since you were six? Or how it feels to be beaten because you stayed out to long? I became calloused Squall, I lost my emotions back then.”

“But you laughed in school and stuff. What about then huh? Those were real!”

“Were they? I honestly don’t know any more. I laughed, I smiled, but inside I was dead Squall. As dead as Sephiroth is now. It was all just a mask.”

“What about that kiss? Did that mean nothing to you? Was that just a mask? You cried on me Cloud, you can’t ell me that was just an act!”

“…That was a different me, a different mask. I had so many they became a part of me. I can’t honestly tell you which one was the real me.”

“….I don’t want you to die.”

“I know you don’t.”

“….Do you want to die?”

“…..If I hadn’t killed him, no.”

“Why do you care so much about killing him Cloud? He was a bastard who deserved i-”

“Have you ever killed anyone?”

“…”

“That’s what I thought. Everyone goes around singing a dirge and saying that it would be best for some people to die. But those people have never killed. I saw his eyes Leon, I saw the light behind them go out. There was life there, but with the swift cut of a knife it was gone. He breathed, and then he didn’t. I swear I felt his soul leave his body. He was there, and then he wasn’t. It was so easy, like blowing out a candle, only, it can’t be re-lit. What happens when your candle goes out? Or mine? I sent him to something else, something dark. I never want to see that happen again. He was bad, but he didn’t deserve that, he had a soul.”

I stared at Cloud, stupefied. I couldn’t respond to that. He had reason to hate Sephiroth more than any other person on the planet, and yet, he regretted killing him. No, not him, he regretted killing a person, no matter who they were.

“I’ll keep your candle Cloud. I won’t let it to go out.”

“What can a candle gain by burning the last of it’s wax? It gives out no heat, and the light it makes flickers. If the candle will go out anyways, what point is there in keeping the flame lit?”

“Because when everything is dark, sometimes those two candle’s can make a bright light.”

Cloud laughed, the first happy sound I heard from him, though I think it was supposed to be wry laughter. “We are talking about candles. Candles! I’m dying and we’re talking about candles.”

My eyes widened and I looked at Cloud with shock. “Y-you knew?”

He nodded. “The doctor thought I was asleep, I overheard him talking to a nurse. It looks like I get my wish eh?”

“I don’t want you to die.”

“I know”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

“…”

“I can’t say it back Leon, you know I cant.”

“I know.”

There was a long silence between us, but we finally got around to talking of anything else. We avoided the subject of death, rape, violence, and hospitals. We didn’t want to let him think about it. But eventually I was forced to leave, visiting hours were only for so long.

I visited him every day. Eventually I got sick of that hospital and it’s crappy coffee. The smell of the place became ingrained in my senses, and I swear that now, every time I see that putrid color of green that marked the walls, I smelled that mix of disinfectant and bile.

Cloud’s condition improved, as did his psyche. He didn’t talk of death much, and our conversations turned to brighter things. But every time I brought up the subject of love we’d enter this awkward silence.

Cloud got into writing poetry while he was there. He’d ask the nurse for a clipboard with some paper and a pencil and he’d start to write. Most of his poetry was dark, but pretty good. I joked with him that he was becoming another Edger Allen Poe.

By the fourth week, the hospital staff knew me by name, I even got a free pastry at the gift shop. They all knew my relationship with Cloud, and they all felt sorry.

At least it got me a free donought…
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I was working at re-stocking the shelves when my boss suddenly called me over to the front desk. His face was grave, and I feared I had done something wrong.

“Leon..” he said. “I know you’ve been seeing a young man at the hospital. Cloud right?”

I nodded.

“Well….I don’t know how to say this to you ..but…I just got a call saying………..he died 10 minutes ago.”

My breath hitched and my legs gave out. My boss caught me and helped me sit down on the floor. Tears came to my eyes and poured out with no control. He was dead. My love, my friend, he was dead, and I hadn’t been there. Oh God, he was all alone when he died.

My boss elected to drive me to the hospital, and we closed shop early. I was silent all the way there, and silent al the way to the receptionist. She handed me a leather-bound book, a gift I had given Cloud to write his poetry in, and a letter addressed to me. That confused me, so I asked her in a shaky voice what it was. She shrugged and said that he only said to give them to me.

I sat in the waiting room chair and read Cloud’s words. The letter I opened first, it contained only a little bit of writing, and the writing was scratchy, as if his hand had shook the entire time he’d written it.

It read:

Dear Leon,

I know I am dying. The pain gets worse each day, in fact, I think today may be the last time I see you. If I see you at all. There are a few things I want you to know before I die. The first: Don’t mourn me. I know you are probably crying while reading this, but you shouldn’t. My life has been hell since my mother died, and not even your love could have made my view of life change. The second: That night I spent in your arms was the best night of my life. I wish it could have lasted longer. The third: I’m sorry for all the misery I’ve put you through. And four: Please read the book of poetry. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, and I managed to finish the last poem, the one dedicated to you. I hope you like it, and take it’s words to heart. I really do wish everything could have been different, but I’m going to a better life now, and when you come to heaven to live with me, we can do whatever you want ok? Don’t cry, it makes you look scary. Just smile and move on.

Sincerely,
Cloud.

Though the letter said not to cry, I couldn’t help it (and neither can I, I’m crying too hard to read the screen…) Cloud was gone. My mind wouldn’t accept that fact, even though Cloud obviously had. It was over now, and all I had left was the book of poetry.

I popped open the leather cover and read the first page, it was a small easy poem that I had read before. In fact, all of the pages held the words of my love. I slowly read every poem, ingraining the words in my soul. They were all precious to me, and I wanted to remember them forever. Two poems stuck out in particular to me, the last two. The frst one, Gravity, read:

And the other one was addressed to me, with no title. It read: