Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Desperate Reflections ❯ Interlude 03: The Other Side of the Story ( Chapter 8 )

A/N: Don't worry, it's not supposed to make sense.

 

Thanks for reading everyone! Thanks for the reviews!

 

Interlude 3 : The Other Side of the Story

 

[Part 3.1]

 

The sky really was beautiful. He hardly stopped to look at it anymore, but now that the universe was saved, he could gaze at it without missing the stars. For a while there, he kept his eyes on the ground, at night, during the day, at any time. It was better for his sanity, for his aching heart all those years to not remember what he missed.

 

And then that spiky-headed brat came and saved the universe. Brought them back to their home. Those that still lived anyways. As for those that disappeared, no one could say what happened to them. If anyone even remembered them at all. Those memories were fading, bit by bit. Pieces of the past fading away like the smoke of the cigarettes he used to inhale by the dozens. Cid couldn't even remember why he had given them up.

 

He stood just outside their headquarters for the rebuilding of Hollow Bastion, oh, excuse him, Radiant Garden. They had even forgotten that, the true name of their home. He couldn't help but wonder what other important details that had left their minds. The names of their family members, childhood memories, skills and abilities... loved ones...

 

Cid idly stretched his neck, grateful for the moment away from “ninja girl” Yuffie and that damned prattling magician. He and Squ-Leon had been hard at work together, spending every moment of every day to return their home to its once splendor. Without a ruler, Radiant Garden would have to survive on its own. Ansem the Wise was dead, that much Sora had told them. And as Ansem had no children of his own, they had no further king. It was probably better that way.

 

He yawned, feeling way too old. He wasn't that aged, not like that brat Yuffie would leave them all to believe, but some days, he felt it more than others. And despite his friends, there was a loneliness that welled inside of him that couldn't be filled, no matter how hard he tried. There was something he was lacking, something he was missing that was dearly important to him. But after nine years and suffering the destruction of his home, his memory was fuzzy, almost as if there was something making him forget.

 

The door behind him opened with a bang as it smacked against the side of the house. Cid winced. Only one person announced herself in that way...

 

“Old man,” declared Yuffie cheerily, sauntering out of the magician's home and moving to stand beside him. “Merlin said you were taking a smoke break.” She playfully punched his arm as she peered up at him.

 

Cid scowled as he rubbed at his arm and chewed on the end of his toothpick before resituating the wooden implement around in his mouth, from one side of his jaw to the other. “I am,” he drawled, shooting her a look that clearly meant `go away'. He was enjoying his solitude and contemplations, thus the reason for the “smoke break”.

 

The ninja was nonplussed by his reaction. “You don't even smoke anymore, Cid. What were you really doing out here?”

 

The blond sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair, accidentally dislodging his trademark goggles. “You ain't gonna leave me alone, are ya?” he questioned, resituating them on his head.

 

“Nope.” Yuffie shook her head. “Not when my favorite geezer looks so sad.” She bounced away before climbing atop a nearby rain barrel, unhappy unless she was climbing about like some damn monkey. Atop the barrel she perched comfortably, legs swinging back and forth. “Whatcha thinking about?”

 

“I'm not old,” Cid countered, almost on instinct. “I'm seasoned. Which means I know more than you.”

Brown eyes rolled as Yuffie snorted. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” She waved him off with one hand, quickly dismissing his words. Cid didn't even bother to retaliate, knowing that the ninja was just pushing him for a reaction. She enjoyed pushing his limits far too much. Just as she did for all of the others. Merlin found her behavior charming, which only went to prove just how ridiculous the magician really was.

 

“That's my word,” came another familiar voice accompanied by the sound of boots over cobblestones. Both looked up to find Leon approaching them, seeming slightly amused though it was underlain by lines of fatigue, especially the dark circles under his eyes. “Have you finally run out of your own?”

 

Yuffie immediately brightened, unperturbed by his teasing. “Squeon! I didn't think you were going to be done in Ansem's lab until later.”

 

The brunet waved a hand of dismissal. “Aeris threw me out. Said she could handle it.” He frowned slightly, crossing his arms over his chest as he shifted his weight, gaze swinging to the ever-so-interesting ground. “I think she's still hoping to find Cloud.”

 

Cid shook his head. Their spiky-haired companion had disappeared yet again while fighting Sephiroth. He didn't know if Cloud would ever find what he was looking for, which was a damn shame considering what he had waiting for him in Radiant Gardens. Why he needed to chase after that damn psychopathic ghost was beyond his understanding.

 

“She's wastin' her time,” commented the gummi ship builder, chewing thoughtfully on his toothpick as he put his hands on his hips and stretched. “He's not coming back until he wants to. It's not like he's lost. He knows the way home.”

 

Leon sighed, brushing some loose strands of hair out of his face. “I tried to tell her that but she's even more stubborn than Sora. She just can't see that he's not ready to come back...” The steel-eyed man's words trailed off, the tone of his voice a clear indicator of his true feelings.

 

Aeris wasn't the only one who hoped for Cloud's return.

 

“Geeze,” inserted Yuffie. “Can't really blame him. Not with the depressed looks you guys have started carrying.” She hopped down from the barrel, placing her hands on her hips. “The world's saved, so why the hell are you guys so sad?”

 

“Watch your language,” reprimanded Leon distractedly, completely ignoring her question as he turned towards Cid. Come to think of it, the blond did seem a bit more withdrawn than usual. Even unsettled. Curious, considering that Cid was more the type to be optimistic. He rarely, if ever, drifted into bouts of melancholy.

 

Yuffie scoffed. “Pfft, Squeon, don't boss me around. And quit avoiding my question.”

 

Leon was prepared to berate her again, for no other reason than to get her to be quiet but that was when Cid chose to speak, though he never took his gaze off the stars. “You ever get the feeling you've forgotten sumthin' but you don't know what it is?”

 

The gunblader shifted towards him, somewhat shocked by the look on Cid's face. He didn't know how to classify it but it seemed similar. “We lost nine years of our lives, who knows what happened,” he answered carefully, uncertain what it is the gummi ship builder was asking.

 

Cid frowned. “Mebbe, but I think it's more than that. We lost a lot of good people to the Heartless, but why don't we ever talk about `em or worry `bout `em?” He plucked the toothpick from his mouth, flicking the now mangled wood to the ground. “It's cause we don't remember enough to know they're gone.”

 

“Ya know,” responded Yuffie, her voice cutting through the sudden heavy silence. “Why did you quit smoking, Cid? We didn't think you'd ever stop....”

 

“I made a promise,” answered the blond, his voice suddenly somber. “I don't remember to who or why, but I know I made a promise.”

 

“That's weird. How do you know you promised if you can't remember that?” questioned Yuffie, her face twisting up into a frown.

 

Cid shook his head, turning abruptly around as he dug in his pocket for a fresh toothpick, plopping it easily between his lips. “You'll understand when you're older,” he muttered around the toothpick when he headed back towards the magician's house. “Come on Leon, I got some new plans for the town for you to look at. Just drew `em up this mornin'.”

 

“All right.” Leon nodded, moving to follow after the suddenly strangely acting blond. “Though I can't honestly understand why everyone is turning to me for the answers. Do I look like a king?”

 

Yuffie burst into laughter at his question, all irritation over Cid brushing her off fading away. “Do you really want me to answer that, Squeon?” she teased.

 

Leon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand. “I rescind the question,” he muttered.

 

“That's probably for the best,” put in Cid wisely. “If it comes out of that one's mouth you might end up challenging her to another duel.”

 

The ninja scowled but it was more of a playful look than serious as she darted ahead of them, throwing open the door of Merlin's home with the same loud flourish as before. “And this time I'll win, too!” she announced.

 

Leon shook his head, ruffling her hair as he passed by her. “Maybe one day, Yuffie.”

 

Cid took one final look at the sky as his two younger companions entered before him. The sun was setting and the stars were just beginning to show. Almost like a new beginning, a hope for something soon to come. And for just a moment he had the barest inkling of remembrance, the smallest reverberation of memory.

 

Something stolen, something forgotten, ripped from his memories without his consent, that owned the largest piece of his heart. There was an ache, a longing for something that he desired, something that he missed.

 

But as quickly as the feeling came, it flitted away and the blond was left feeling just as lost as before. Whatever it had been, whatever he had forgotten, it was gone once more. Sighing, Cid turned back towards Merlin's home, closing the door, and in effect, shutting off his view of the elusive sky.

 

Maybe it was better he continued to keep his eyes on the ground.

 

[Part 3.2]

 

He couldn't get the boy out of his mind, even long after returning to his apartment. And now seven hours later, he was still plagued by the encounter and puzzled by such a random, mundane event. There was nothing out of the ordinary in accidentally knocking a stranger down... except when said stranger evoked incongruity inside of him.

 

Those eyes... there was something about them that was familiar despite the fact that he had never seen that kid before in his entire life. And when he looked at him, he had received images in his head, scenes from a life he had no recollection of ever living... an existence that was not his own, he was sure of it. The very event disturbed him greatly.

 

Thus the reason for his current solitude, tucked away in a shadowed corner of the home that he shared with his lover. He found it easier to brood when bathed in the darkness... as well as making it much more difficult to ignore the odd emotions that young boy managed to evoke in him.

 

There was a bright and burning anger, this instant and strange desire to attack the redhead. There was an urge to break the boy, bend him to his will and subject him to all sorts of tortures imaginable. A hatred for the stranger's existence welled up in him so strongly that he nearly reeled from the force of his own emotions. Why did he harbor such ill will for someone that he did not know?

 

His body trembled unconsciously and he wrapped his arms around himself, struggling to find some grip on sanity. What had he been fighting for in those memories? Was that even him or just someone who looked like him? Why was he having these memories, these dreams?

Fear curled and twisted inside of him. Fear that he didn't know himself as well as he thought, that somewhere out there he had forgotten an important part of himself. The reverberations from the odd encounter faded but the impressions remained, the surprisingly familiar emerald eyes and the feeling of being lost.

 

Ryuuki curled up against the wall, exhaling harshly against the silence as he close his eyes, fingers curling into fists on his knees. His heart pounded with the force of a jackhammer, a tedious rushing echoed in his ears. Shadow... the shadows were alive and they hunted him with dull yellow eyes and fanged mouths. They crept and writhed against the ground.

 

He moaned, biting down on his lips as he squeezed his eyes against an unknown terror, shoving the hell of his hand against his forehead. He needed a distraction, he needed distance, he needed...

 

“Ryuuki?” The voice of his lover sounded, clear as a clarion bell as the light to the living room was clicked on, chasing away any lingering shadows. “What are you doing on the floor?”

 

Footsteps came his direction and amber eyes snapped open as the familiar scent of his lover washed over him. He looked up into Jin's(1) concerned eyes as the other male's hands softly landed on his shoulder.

 

“I...” he paused, searching for the right words to say. Ryuuki wasn't even sure if what he had experienced was real. How could he expect Jin to understand?

 

Jin shook his head, dark blue tresses flopping into his face as he pulled his lover to his feet. “You're so strange,” he murmured, gaze searching Ryuuki's face. “Come on, I brought home dinner.”

 

The white-haired male nodded dumbly then followed his lover as they headed towards the kitchen. But halfway there he stopped suddenly, drawing Jin to a halt as well and causing him to turn around to regard Ryuuki with a curious expression.

 

“Ryuuki?”

 

He blinked before shaking his head. “Have you ever had a moment where you feel you've forgotten something important?” he questioned, amber eyes almost pleading for understanding. “Or dreams of a life you haven't lived?”

 

The other man's eyes widened. “What?”

 

“Nevermind,” inserted Ryuuki hastily, moving to push past his lover and continue into the kitchen. But before he could, his arm was grabbed and he came face to face with Jin, their gazes only inches apart. The other male's hands tightened on his shoulders.

”Don't talk about forgotten memories,” hissed Jin, suddenly sounding very irrational. “Its dangerous and...” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Just enjoy what life we have now. Forget about the past, forget about... before.”

 

The amber-skinned man was confused. “Jin?”

 

“Ryuuki, listen to me for once, you stubborn bastard. Leave it alone. Whatever happened, just... forget it,” asserted the other male, squeezing his lover's shoulder's firmly. “It's no longer important.”

 

For a moment, he almost swore that he saw something familiar swirling in Jin's eyes. Not the familiarity of a lover he had had for the past six months. But something much more deeper, something older, part of the life that he hadn't lived. There was need and want, a fierce desire to exist and a hope for a new life. And in that moment he knew that the other male was right. The past wasn't important, not anymore.

 

Why should they matter, those vague reflections emitted by a strange boy he couldn't remember? What importance was the past, something gone and forgotten, never to be repeated again? In the grand scheme of things, there was very little. He had his life and he was happy, nor was he alone. What more did he need?

 

Ryuuki smiled, amber eyes tracing over the cross-shaped scar on his lover's face. “Already forgotten,” he assured, pulling the younger man in for a welcome kiss. “Now, how about that dinner?”

 

[Part 3.3]

 

There wasn't a day that went by where Reno didn't think of his old world or his old life. He thought of his tiny apartment on the bad end of the city, all he could afford since he was saving up for a real house, somewhere safe and quiet. He had a plan, to eventually leave his job for the beach or the mountains, some place with clean air where he could wash away the blood staining his hands.

 

He thought of his job as a member of the elusive Turks, a secret service of assassins and kidnappers, blackmailers and skilled killers. And he was one of the best, second-in-charge to the big boss. His pay was shit and everyday he faced his death at the hands of some random ruffian with a gun or a rusty knife or hell, once he had almost been killed by a garbage can. He hated his job, he had hated his life... up until the moment he met Rude, the man who would become his partner in every sense of the world.

 

The dark-skinned fighter was strong, tall, and stoic, always calm no matter the situation and like a pillar of order to Reno's more chaotic existence. He always hid behind a pair of dark sunglasses. It was several months before Reno was even allowed a glimpse behind the shades, finding his partner to have the most expressive eyes of anyone he had ever met. It was probably in that moment when he first fell in love with Rude.

 

It had been a leap of faith, inspired by alcoholic courage, that lead to his first kiss with his partner. Rude had been angry then, thinking it was only because of the alcohol. He didn't want to be treated like another one of Reno's one night stands. Except that Rude hadn't known of his partner's habit, to never kiss those he didn't care about. Reno never shared that part of himself with just anyone.

 

Time passed when tensions between them were high, Reno hiding his rapidly growing emotions and Rude feeling as if he had been used. It wasn't until he had nearly lost Rude in a shoot-out that their misunderstanding was cleared up. From then on, they had to keep their relationship a secret from their employers.

 

He wasn't willing to risk losing Rude. He knew without understanding why, that he loved his partner, the only good thing he had ever had in his sad and pathetic life. Together they were passionate, the stronger man claiming him with moves that made Reno feel whole and loved. He was always careful, unfailingly gentle, no matter what kink they were trying at the time.

 

And every day of his semi-existence on Gaia's Grotto, Reno thought about Rude. He replayed memories over and over, like a broken record and relished every dream. He thought of quiet moments in the dark when the power had been cut off to his apartment building for the upteenth time. He thought of surprises on his birthday, an event he had grown used to celebrating on his own. He thought of the tattoo that Rude had on his left shoulder, something he had gotten on a whim and a dare. The swirling dark ink always barely showed against his darker flesh but it was beautiful just the same.

 

Some nights, he wasn't ashamed to admit, he wept out of sheer sorrow. There were days when he thought not to get out of bed because there was no point. As the years passed by, it became harder and harder to cling to the hope that he would ever see Rude again. It felt like he had lost the other half of himself, that he could never be happy until they were rejoined. And then every memory became bittersweet, every stolen kiss and grope in the shadows or the stairwells of the building they worked in.

 

To those who knew him, those who realized he hadn't forgotten his name as the Council had intended, he appeared strong. Unfailingly happy, always optimistic and determined. They didn't know of his biggest regret.

 

He had told no one of Kiros, not until the brief admittance he had made to Axel, though he had kept the name to himself. Truthfully, no one remembered the man anymore, except for himself. As if with his disappearance, the memory of him faded as well.

 

Kiros, the dark-skinned and thin man, feminine in his beauty, had been his one attempt at seeking consolation in the arms of another, though he hadn't intended that from the beginning. Reno had sought out his friend late one night when the silence and the solitude had become more than he was able to bear, just seeking the company of someone also struggling to return to who he left behind.

 

Reno never learned the name of that other one, a man he assumed, just like Kiros never learned of Rude. As if it were a sin to utter their name, an admittance of their failure to be faithful.

 

Even now, Reno could not remember who kissed who first or even why. He just knew that afterwards, despite the warmth shared, he had felt even emptier than before. Admittedly, there was a strange sort of comfort in that regret, that emptiness, but not something he could explain. It was like being able to both forget and remember in the same instant.

 

He forgot about the pains of loneliness, he forgot about the fears he felt every day for his existence. He remembered his love for Rude, he remembered how it felt to be held in someone else' arms. He remembered his reason to fight, his reason to continue struggling even though the odds were stacked against him.

 

So was it regret because he had given his body to someone else while claiming to love Rude? No. His regret came in being unable to save Kiros. One day, a few months later, Kiros simply disappeared and now, nearly no one remembered him, save for Reno himself. It was as if the moment he departed, the memories of his existence were erased as well.

 

Kiros had been there just as long as Vincent, if not longer. And then one day, without any warning, he was gone. Reno placed the blame upon himself, though he knew that was an irrational thought. People disappeared all the time, mostly those who had not been cautious enough to look over their shoulders. He feared everyday that it would happen to him. Before he could escape he would be found out... or even killed.

 

It was nearly a hopeless existence. But he was determined to not give up. There was something out there more important to him than his own mortality. They needed each other; Reno had no doubts about that. And he was willing to do anything, sacrifice everything, and pay any price, to return to his world. To return to his shitty apartment in the slums and his crap job as an assassin, to return to broken heaters in the winter and a continuously leaking roof and death by garbage cans... he would suffer it all.

 

Because no matter where he was, as long as he was with Rude, he was home.

 

[Part 3.4]

 

Despite his best efforts, hope was becoming nothing more than a dim memory. With every passing day that he stayed bonded to Sora, a part of his own mind drifted away. It all began to blend together. His feelings, Sora's feelings. His pain, Sora's love. He couldn't distinguish between them anymore.

 

The days when he managed to push himself to the surface of Sora's consciousness became less and less until finally, they ceased altogether. It became too much effort and really what was the point? He had made his choice to join with his other; there was no turning back now... if there was even the option or method to do so.

 

It was unfair and it was cruel, but it was his reality; wrapped in Sora's memories, surrounded by Sora's emotions, enveloped in Sora's every thought, including the most perverted that caused even Riku to blush. Roxas was Sora... Roxas didn't exist... as they were meant to be before Ansem the fucking Wise and his idiot apprentice Xehanort started delving into matters best left untouched. Roxas was a Nobody... he wasn't allowed to exist.

 

His memories of his time as a Nobody were fleeting, fading until they were vague reflections of an existence that never should have been. He had already forgotten most of the Organization, never really caring for them anyways. He was unable to name any more than three on his fingers: Axel, Demyx, and Xemnas... but Axel most of all.

 

The tempestuous, rude bastard who had somehow managed to worm his way into a permanent place inside Roxas' heart, despite every one of his annoying and stalkerish qualities. Even when Roxas had been questioning his very existence and memory back then, the firestarter had been the only one who could make him feel... all right.

There had always been something alluring about Axel from the day they first met. He was intense... he was intelligent... and he was insanely attractive, despite his gangly limbs and lithe frame. Those eyes were what captivated Roxas the moment he had first met Axel. The firestarter had a way of speaking, always looking directly at him when he talked as if trying to see inside of Roxas' non-existent heart. A way that made him feeling like he was something to someone. Not just a Nobody.

 

“Roxas.”

 

Someone called to him, stirring his thoughts and rousing him from floating randomly in metaphysical space. He blinked, glancing around the darkness in confusion, believing for a moment that he had been imagining things. No one would speak to him; Roxas didn't exist. Only the insane spoke to things that didn't exist.

 

“Roxas, I know you can hear me,” came the voice again, insisting and slightly familiar.

 

He furrowed his imaginary brow in confusion as he struggled with coherency. “Who... Namine?”

 

A cutesy giggle echoed around him. “You can't have forgotten me that quickly, Roxas.”

 

Sora and Kairi must have been near to each other, that was the only time Namine spoke. When Sora was with Riku, it was blessedly silent, except for the lingering remains of Ansem. Since school had begun and the Riku/Sora couple became official, Roxas saw less and less of Namine, especially when Kairi started spending her time with Wakka.

 

What she saw in the half-doped redhead neither Roxas nor Namine understood. Then again, Namine had often teased him that the same could be said for Axel.

 

Unlike Roxas, she was perfectly content with her life as Kairi's other half. She had no regrets and did not miss her prior life. 'I was incomplete without her, Roxas,' she had once claimed. `Now I'm whole and honestly, what have I lost compared to what I had before? I'm happy.'

 

Unfortunately, Roxas couldn't say the same for himself. It wasn't a lack of Sora that made him feel incomplete, but the loss of a sharp-tongued firestarter that affected him. Sora was akin to a ditzy cousin that he loved like a brother. He couldn't help but adore Sora, everyone did. He was a friend to all... even that annoying vulgar magician duck.

 

“Roxas!” The former Nobody jerked out of his thoughts when Namine giggled after shouting his name.

 

“What?” Roxas scowled. He wasn't in the mood for her optimism.

 

“I'm worried about you,” she responded, all traces of her amusement quickly dispersing when she noticed his lack of humor. “You're not happy... I thought you would be.”

 

He snorted. “So did I. But I'm not.” He quieted, thinking on his own admission. He wanted to be free, he wanted his own life and he wanted to see Axel again. But was the point in wanting when he couldn't have any of it. Axel was dead and he was locked inside of Sora. And what would be the purpose in finding his freedom if he couldn't see Axel? Perhaps it was better if he just faded away into the shadows, allowed his hope to wither and die. Then it wouldn't hurt so much and Sora could live his life without extra emotions tagging along.

 

“Roxas...”

 

“Stop trying to encourage me,” he snapped, interrupting her before she could even continue. “I don't want to hear empty consolations.”

 

Namine sighed, a breathy, rushing sound that echoed all around him in the empty space of his existence, if that was what one could call it. “What are you hoping for?” she finally questioned after a minute, her voice soft and slightly hesitant. “If you're so unhappy... what are you still looking for?”

 

Roxas fell quiet at her words, curling up into a sitting position with his arms wrapped around his knees. He laid his head on his arms and closed his eyes, trying to trap the swirling emotions inside of him. Happiness began to swell all around him; some kind of overflow from whatever Sora was feeling. But it couldn't pierce his own melancholy. Nor did he want it to.

 

Then she spoke again, hesitantly like before. “Roxas, Axel is gone. I'm sorry but that's the truth. He was a Nobody just like us and now... he doesn't exist anymore.”

 

“Don't you think I know that?” he questioned bitterly, almost spitting out the words.

 

“Roxas...”

 

“Just go away, Namine.”

 

And blessedly, for once she actually listened to him and did just that. Maybe she sensed that her words weren't helping, or that he was no longer listening to them. Maybe she knew that there was nothing she could say. It didn't matter to him. How could it matter? Why should it matter? To a nothing, a Nobody, nothing should matter.

 

When one didn't exist, why would anything matter?

 

- - -

 

(1) I don't know how many of you have seen the English version of Samurai Champloo. But the voice actor for Saix is the same voice actor for Jin hence Saix's name on Gaia's Grotto is Jin. Neat little fact! Eh, Xemnas' name comes from the anime Saiunkoku Monogatori. It's the name of the Emperor. And yes, I'm hopelessly addicted to that show.