Macross Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ The Legend of Macross (which has nothing to do with Macross, really) ❯ Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE: INVASION!

It was a sunny day in the land of where ever Lina and Gourry had conveniently chosen to take a walk through. The birds weren't chirping though, as strange as that may seem. The birds were really quite silent because birds are always like that in these kinds of scenes, where they're the only ones that know of the impending doom.

"Hey Lina…" Gourry spoke up.

"What?" Lina asked warily. Uh oh…he's probably gonna say something stupid again…

"Why do birds know of impending doom? Why can't we know about it?"

Gourry seemed to be proud of the question he had just asked, which was most assuredly meant to sound remotely impressive, yet he had failed miserably.

Lina put her hands on her hips and turned to face her swordsman. "Shut up Gourry! Do you want them to hear us? Birds don't like it when people talk about them!"

"I think we're being followed…" Gourry said absently, ignoring Lina altogether.

"Just shut up okay?" Lina retorted, tugging her cape impatiently after her in a huff.

"I wish I was a bird."

There was an uncomfortable silence. Should Gourry choose to say something and resume the mostly pointless conversation, he would probably have taken the time to check his health care first. So instead, he waited for Lina to shout at him again.

"What is your problem Gourry? Better yet, what's the authors problem?" (No Lina, you're not the only one who's wondered) she tugged impatiently at the folds of her cape. Gourry was beginning to sense a pattern.

Gourry was, for lack of a better word, rendered miserable. He'd taken an awful lot of important time to think about the very special statement. Nobody appreciated him.

Gourry thought for a moment. "I think we're being stalked, actually. Is that a good thing? Because if it isn't…" he pulled his sword and spun around to face their culprit, feeling a surge of power.

They both turned around, trying hard to ignore the constant stares of the murderous birds perched on tree branches, rocks, or anything else that was solid and sustained their weight.

Behind them was a peg legged man with Ash Ketchum hair and an eye patch in the middle of his forehead. If you ignored the Ash Ketchum hair, he wasn't that bad looking of a guy.

"Arrh mattey…seems we've found us the mother-load." he said, dry-washing his hands.

The discoloured parrot on his shoulder, who was hiding a vile of poison, four nuclear weapons, a ZGM90, the entire floor plan for the Empire State Building, and a potentially dangerous and lethal looking dagger (all for protection, you understand) squawked and tried to look like a normal pirate's parrot, and, failed miserably.

The Pirate was silent for a moment before pulling his eye patch down. There was a narrowed eyeball underneath. "I'm Tien. Who the hell are you?"

Lina eyed the man like a bug speculating a meal. Even the third eyeball couldn't draw attention away from the Ash Ketchum hat hair. "I'm Lina Inverse…I'm flat. Usually I keep that part to myself and…oh my god, what just possessed me to say that?"

"I'm Gourry…And my brain rivals that of a jellyfish."

The pirate straightened. He smoothed his hair back his hair, which did nothing to help the situation and it only sprang back up in all directions. "No really. I won't kid with ya anymore."

"PULL UP THE FLANKS OR I'LL KEEL HAUL YA!!"

"Shut up, Bird."

"I meant to say…I'm really a feeble wandering mountain bandit. Don't be fooled by my appearance."

"And I'm Barbara Strisand." Lina said sarcastically.

This seemed to disturb the man, and he began inching away. In these lands, the mention of Barbara Strisand always resulted in something not to particularly nice happening. You might say she was the one who started it all.

"Be warned! My friends! Danger is afoot! These lands are dangerous! Few get out alive!"

And then, in a very `Shiek-Ish' moment, he backed away and threw something at the ground that made a loud snapping noise. When the potentially poisonous smoke cleared, he was gone.

"That was scary" Gourry remarked, sheathing his sword. Lina knocked him upside the head and continued on.

"What were we talking about…?" Gourry started, but it was too late.

It happened.

<Insert loud headache provoking plane crash sound here>

A huge white jet fighter came screaming down from the sky at speeds that would shame speedy Gonzalaes. Of course, Jet planes were manufactured for speed and it wasn't hard for them to move at a greater speed than a Spanish Mouse. But, we won't get into the law of Physics right now.

It crashed into the ground at warp speed right into the path of a large Deku tree with a moustache, splitting the trunk in two.

Not to far away, the crash had alerted numerous cute forest animals and cute, enchanted fairy children from Zelda â"¢ who made like totting terrors in hot pants.

The leader of them all, decked out in all her glory with a sub-machine gun, leather pants and nine inch spiked heels glared at the explosion and gave a new image to horror.

"WHO DID THIS? WHO KILLED OUR LEADER!?" she screamed to the smouldering aircraft. Nobody answered.

It was then that Isamu climbed out, courtesy of `Macross Plus' and took of his helmet. He stared for a few moments, rubbed the back of his head nervously and grinned to the remains of the tree, which groaned loudly.

"Wow. I'll bet that'll leave a mark."

The punk fairy growled, altering his attention.

Upon seeing the machine gun, he dropped to his knees, held out his hands and gave a pleading, innocent look. As would just about any sane person who was having an Uzi pointed at their heads.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!! I'm just a pilot in training! Don't sue!"

Isamu was just a pilot that wanted some peace and quite. Damn that Sharron bitch all to hell…thanks to her, he was in fear of being promoted again. So he departed, never to be seen again in this story. The page turned, and the Yoshi's grew happier…

Lina and Gourry stood still as the door to the plane opened, and strange things started happening.

A huge Mech, called the Macross Mech, but respectfully named `STAN' who was the size of about three major cities, somehow managed to climb out of the wreckage of the tiny plane. It yawned twice, stretched its arms, which took out two buildings on the way, and blinked.

"HI!" it cried happily, shattering windows near and far, and knocking the people off their feet.

A tiny mailbox crawled out after him and began running down the streets giggling. The evil man with the glasses tried to stand around and look important and not as though he'd just committed numerous acts of genocide. It wasn't good to look evil in public places. It made people suspicious.

"I'M A REALLY BIG MECH THAT'S GONNA KILL YOU ALL." It said in a monotone voice filled with disdain.

Obviously, the Mech had been put through strenuous acts of male bondage and therefore been reduced to a quivering hunk of metal and made to practice it's opening line until perfection.

By this time, Lina and Gourry had begun inching away trying very hard `not to be seen'. Unfortunately they'd already been and suffered the ultimate doom.

The Mech came over to leave his followers behind him. Kneeling down beside Lina and Gourry he did a cool little Xellos grin and waved a Victory sign with his fingers.

"Sorry…did I frighten you?"

Lina passed out. Gourry blinked and stared ahead blankly. It wasn't often that something was enough to scare the brave and mighty Lina Inverse, so he thought that maybe he was in some trouble. He then proceeded to ask the Mech something that was totally irrelevant to the topic of conversation.

"Don't you wish you were a bird, sir? Flying free throughout the skies, over all creation, spying on god and shitting on peoples recently washed cars?"

The Mech straightened. It frowned.

(By the way, did you know it takes 14 muscles to smile?

Well, here's another interesting bit of information.

It takes the Mech, which is made of metal, a great deal of magical details and strange little smart dudes that sit in his head and operate his facial features to frown, smile and other things for that matter.

It takes Vegita 9,8,765 muscles to send people to the next dimension. And that's the real reason that he has a body like that.

And Bugs bunny deflated in the movie Space Jam when he realised that Michael Jordan's secret stuff that made him look abnormally buff was really nothing compared to a pissed off Sayajin when they constrict to kill their enemies. A truly sad day for humanity indeed.)

So any ways, the Mech decided he didn't like the way his new little friend was insinuating that he'd like to shit on cars and grabbed Gourry between his fingers. Then he proceeded to squish him like a bug.

"Why are you asking me this?"

A silence.

Gourry was, fortunately, possessed of a healthy sense of self-preservation and decided to use a bit more than 10% of his Brain. In doing this, he succeeded in sheathing the Sword of Light just before the giant mechanical hand squeezed him into a complete blonde pulp.

"I'm not usually a violent man, but you do test me so!" Gourry snarled as he stuck the sword in the Mechs giant right eyeball.

"How very interesting. I love a good struggle." The Mech replied, pulling the sword from his now dilated and spewing eyeball.

"LIGHT COME FORTH!"

What `came forth' from the Sword of Light was nothing other than a coughing sound, a rubber duckie, and a sparkle of fairy dust.

"Impressive, but I'm going to have to kill you now."

Gourry was about to scream before the sound of haunting laughter filled the air. He blinked twice and stared a spot of shimmering white hot air that was forming into the figure of a man before his very eyes. That's the last time I take Ritalin…

"Oh hello!" the man said, sitting cross-legged in the air, his dark black cape flapping in the breeze. "I'm Richard Cypher! Lord Rahl, if you will. Son of Darken Rahl! Ruler of D'hara!"

Gourry cleared his throat. "……" Was his instantaneous reply.

"Might I remind you that before I try and rid you of your hard earned money for something that won't hold your attention for more than a day that this is not, I repeat, not, sea monkeys, aqua apes, or anything that resembles pre-packaged sperm. If that interests you, or bothers you, please press One and hold for our condominium selection. Now, before you purchase this magnificent piece of fine art for a measly three million dollars, I should say that the F.B.I will help you in your deed of finding this young maiden in distress. Where did she go…? Oh no matter, did I mention I'M single?"

Gourry blinked. The Mech stared, and tumbleweed blew past in a traditional fashion.

"Fine then. Or you could embarrass me in front of millions. " Richard said. "Did I tell you I'm due to self destruct in five seconds?" he sounded eerily proud about this.

Gourry screamed and held his hands up in front of his face as the explosion sent limbs and manly curves flying in all directions.

* * *

MEANWHILE…

The strange man with glasses that had recently killed somebody over a disagreement whether the glass was half empty or half full ran over to the Mech shortly after the explosion.

"Excuse me Sir…but I must remind you that you're due to destroy the nearest major city in the next half hour…"

The Mech leaned down beside him, a bit more than traumatised at what he had just witnessed.

"Why am I doing this any ways?"

The man fixed his glasses and sighed impatiently. "It's just some insane Author trying to kill us all…"

"We don't have control of our own lives, no matter how pathetic they may be?"

"Sorry to disappoint you. Just go destroy the next major city."

"What If I don't wanna?" The Mech retorted.

The man slouched. "Please!?" he asked in a whiney tone. "Just get on with it, will you?

"I'll sit this one out."

The man with the glasses, who we will now call Marvin, decided to have a hissy fit in the middle of the street right then. Not a wise decision, if you were to ask me. The Mech didn't say much, shrugged, and reached down to stuff Marvin up his left nostril.