Macross Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ The Legend of Macross (which has nothing to do with Macross, really) ❯ Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: REALM OF STAN

AUGH!

It was dark in there!

Marvin sat up and scratched his head with a loud groan. Man. Where the hell was he?

He peered out into the darkness while a rat ran by.

"EUREKA!" He cried. "I'm in his nostril!"

However the rat made him realise that remains a mystery to this very day.

"Am I in his right nostril? Or his left nostril?" he wondered aloud.

Who knew? You also couldn't tell if it was night or day, Wednesday or Thursday, Butt-Monkey time or Whacking day. Whacking day was a thing to ponder over, since nobody really knew what went on during Whacking Day, but it was scary. Butt-Monkey time…well, it's the best time of the day. And…dammit, that bastard Demitri blew up the sun…so THAT was why it was dark.

(There was a short scene of a Vampire with multiple widow peaks standing in front of a huge picture window laughing maniacally)

It was just all together amazing that Marvin could even remember the exact whereabouts of where he'd been viciously stuffed. He sighed and adjusted his glasses, and then he opened his daybook to skim through its contents.

Ah yes. Marvin's day book, there was a secret significance that had to do with it's pages that only HE knew of. What went on inside, nobody knew. But it was terribly annoying.

"Well let's see…I'd better make the best of my time here until the turd sneezes or has a seizure."

So Marvin spent the next week conversing with the fellow other victims of the Mech and his significant nostril universe that scientist's would LOVE to study.

There was an evil guy named Dubbie Goku. Not the Goku telling the story, but rather the result of being the Goku that didn't hit his head on that rock and went on being an evil devil child from hell.

He was…well; rumour had it that he lived up in the brain tower. Normally somebody would call it the clock tower, because that is where all ugly little deformed children are sent to play, but since it's inside a Mech, we'll call it a brain tower.

There, he would sit alone and plot how he was going to get his revenge against Akira Toriyama and Funimation ®

He wore a Halter-top with a huge `G' on the front, and long purple slacks.

Dubbie Goku was the keeper of time.

Then there was Copy Rezzo, the blind bum. He had the honorary task of sitting in dark alleys and begging for money, while trying to revive the Dark Lord Shaburnigdo. I can't spell…

So the Mech had finally disposed of Marvin, as he'd wanted to do for years. Marvin had been insignificant, and therefore there had been no further use of him. The Mech didn't need anybody telling it that it was due to destroy the next mildly populated village within the next half-hour. He did have a brain.

What was truly disturbing was the fact that the Mech wasn't a true life form and didn't have a brain, it was made of metal and other strange parts. Truly sad, if you ask me, that the only thing that served as it's thinking component was a deformed moron who's brain was the size of a miniature pea.

Miniature peas weren't all that big, either.

It was getting to be noon, Marvin determined.

Although sitting in a Mech's left nostril served him no purpose except to get amazingly pissed off, he had somehow managed to determine that it was indeed, noon.

How he knew this, was because he had started to camp out in the interior of the nostril near an air duct.

Many years ago, Albert Einstein conducted an experiment to see if human nostrils had air ducts and whole separate universes floating around. He was discovered and accused of cruelty to humans and was promptly gone.

Marvin wasn't at a total loss, he still had his daybook, and it held powers beyond imagination.

After discovering you're stuck in a nostril and doomed to a life of sitting in air ducts and loosing your hair, though, you'd already lost your imagination. Among other things…

Marvin had developed a tumour that weighed the same as thirty African Elephants. Stress was now quite a subject in his life.

"Now see here…" he began, his voice getting an edge to it. "I never chose to be stuck in this nostril"

"All I wanted was a friend…"

In a puff of logic, a small fat man wearing a tux and holding a banjo (courtesy of Ren&Stimpyâ"¢) was soon to be his best friend.

"My name is Simon Lucifer, and welcome to hell."

"My God." Marvin thought to himself. Obviously this was some new form of breaking horrible news to people that he'd been oblivious towards up until now…

"On a happier note," the man continued, taking note of Marvin's expression.

"There's a happier note?" Marvin wondered aloud.

"Well yes. You've gone criminally insane and you're never going to get out of here."

"That's…good news?"

"Would you like to hear the bad news?"

Marvin sighed. Probably not, but, what the hell.

"Yes, I would."

"I'm really a woman."

There had never been a more sinister and horrible silence in Marvin's life before. It was as though the whole Universe was holding its breath. Then, although it was quite uncalled for, the man laughed.

Marvin swallowed quickly and stood up.

"I left behind a nice job killing people and manufacturing hair clips, for what, this? This is madness I tell you!"

The man was struck silent again. Marvin curled up in a ball and was attacked by a horrible case of the Willies.

"I've lived here all my life." Simon said quietly. "Why don't I introduce you to everybody?"

"This is absurd!" Marvin cried. Then more quietly under his breath, he snickered. The word secretly pleased him. "Would you mind telling me HOW I ended up here?"

"Well. You're dead."

"Really?"

"Little do you know that this is the death bed, the cemetery, for all of those who choose to end life by flying into the nearest left nostril within breathing distance."

Probably the only way Marvin was going to get any sense out of the man would be to shut up and listen. So he did just that, and followed pursuit. The door closed behind them with a loud clang. On the back of the door, in large bold red print, it said; *ANOTHER BURN WARD.

(Dramatic Chord)

*(If anyone has seen `CLERKS' the cartoon, you will probably understand this joke. If you haven't seen `CLERKS' the cartoon, then you should, because it's positively gut busting hilarious.)