Macross Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ The Legend of Macross (which has nothing to do with Macross, really) ❯ Chapter 3

CHAPTER3: THE MIGHTY MIGHTY CREW AND ABDUCTION ABOARD THE SSJ_4 MAJESTIC TIGERLILLY.

The Mech looked around in supreme awe.

Wow.

It had a whole village to pillage and destroy. What fun. How sick. And to think he owed it all to Marvin.

For a fleeting moment the Mech became sad. Maybe he shouldn't have stuffed the man up his nostril. Oh well. He could always pick him out later.

Besides the fact that if he did so, he'd disrupt the eternal balance of the Universe inside his nasal passage and kill every life form that existed inside.

Barbara Walters would find that to her liking and would do an expose on how life forms, no matter how ugly or disturbing deserved a chance in life.

The Mech put all that aside and stomped off towards the village.

Meanwhile, a tiny mailbox named Tsubasa was having problems of his own. Not only had he been robbed of his spot on `The Ranma ½' show, but somebody had the nerve to dump him on this god forsaken city without any means of transportation, OR, any Twinkies ® to satisfy his hunger pains. And if you think a mailbox doesn't get hungry…then you'd better think again.

"Damnit…I'll never get out of here if a UFO doesn't stop for me soon."

So then, using a green pipe cleaner and some blue crepe paper, he constructed a flag with a homing device, which was manufactured for flagging down passing ships. Just because he happened to be on Ranma doesn't mean he doesn't have a few rare talents.

He turned to the camera with a grin. "I learned that watching home living with Martha Stewart."

So that promptly explained everything. You can also learn how to construct bombs on the Martha Stewart show.

It was rather unlucky, though, that the first ship he managed to flag down was indeed the

SSJ_4 Majestic Tigerlilly.

Zelgadis Greywers threw back his head and howled with the delight that seemed to come with being head officer of a powerful corporation. It wasn't the only reason he was laughing, though.

He laughed, and laughed and laughed. He laughed for fifteen minutes and 45.5 seconds. And then he sipped some Folgers ® coffee, because that was the Chimera's passion.

Then quite suddenly, there was a rapping at the door.

"WHO DARE GOES THERE?" he shouted, trying to sound intimidating whilst also trying in vain to seal up a jar of lubricant and pull his pants back up.

"It is I sir…Theodore."

"Come in."

Zelgadis eyed the tiny waddling and overweight chipmunk that walked through the door.

"What news do you bring me?"

Theodore, who was a recent captive from Asia, had to think very hard then when the Captain asked him that. He didn't want to say anything to upset the Captain because he knew just how much he liked to humiliate Theodore into doing things such as dancing Irish jigs and balancing plates on the end of his nose when he answered incorrectly. He took a deep breath.

"Well Sir, it appears we have a visitor."

"Another one? How many is that now?"

"1500 sir. A record at that."

"Well!" Zel said, slapping his knee gleefully. "I guess we have room for just one more, don't we?"

"You said that last year, Sir."

A look of utter stupidity crossed over Zel's face when the realised that indeed, it had been a while.

"It'll be nice to see a new face around here, won't it now?"

"I suspect you'll give orders to bring him aboard, Sir?"

"Of course? Who's the brains of this outfit?"

There was another sinister silence. Then Zel made a little choking sound and resumed.

"Yes. It's a he, is it?"

"Um…I couldn't be to sure of that, Sir."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"It's a mailbox."

"Oh?"

"Jessie told me to tell you that it obviously has some experience in this department, Sir."

"Well…Jessie can shove it up his ass, can't he?"

"I suppose, Sir."

At that point, Theodore wondered what it would be like to disagree with the boss just once, for the sake and curiosity of the outcome. But, being somewhat sane, he left that idea out of the conversation.

"And what does Jessie mean by this?"

"Jessie spotted a homing device on the radar screen. This wouldn't have been the first time it's flagged a ship down."

"Hmm." Zel's brows drew together in a tight frown. "We've got bisexual aliens, circus freaks and three eyed fish. This would be the first law-breaker. Damn those hitchhikers. Well, let him aboard."

"Are you sure, sir?'

"We're wasting gas hovering in the air like this, aren't we? I haven't seen a Chevron for miles! It would probably make me upset if we had to stop, wouldn't it?" he finished with a slam to the desktop.

"Yes, Sir."

"Then get your ass in gear!"

"Right, Sir."

"And bring me some candy when you get back, will you?"

"Um…" Theodore became remotely uncomfortable at the mention of this. "Well…"

"What is it?" Zel asked, exasperated.

"You are aware of the man that takes care of…the…'bon bon department', aren't you Sir?"

Zelgadis thought to himself and realised that, no, he was only aware of eleven crewmembers and one cat named Mr.Hagendas.

"Have we taken any good women hostage lately? You know, ones with all 10 fingers?"

"Uh, back to the topic sir."

"You're no fun."

"Well…It's that nasty fellow with distemper and a widows peak."

"Who?"

"His name is Vegita, Sir. Remember? We picked him up during the depression? He was wandering aimlessly through the desert on a half dead camel? Kept mumbling something about a man named Kakarot and his damned senzu beans."

"Oh, right." Zel replied.

"I'm scared of him, Sir. Last time I asked if I could have a lollypop, he said something about the next dimension, and then his hair started glowing."

"That just can't be normal."

"I don't suppose it is."

"Well…I'm not about to let him push my first man around, am I?"

"Not to be a downer, Sir, but nobody's talked to him and lived."

"You have."

"He said he'd spare me because he wanted me to live with the sufferings of who I am."

"Theodore…"

"What, Sir?"

"What in God's name were you doing having meaningless cravings for Bon Bon's during your shift, any ways?"

"Sorry about that sir…but I hadn't anything to eat all that day…"

"I see." Zelgadis said, wishing very much that he'd leave. "Then why don't you go and meet our new guest?"

Theodore was struck with an awful attack of the shyness. Also related somewhat to Heebie Jeebies, except it's a shy kind of heebie jeebies when you can't talk to people without thinking about how they must be staring at your toupee or a big piece of broccoli in your teeth.

"Uh, shall I, Sir?"

"Isn't that what I just asked you to do?"

"Right. Then…I'll see you…later…" he said.

"Don't sound so final, for god's sake."

He left, and Zelgadis went back to his current `activity'.

* * *

Theodore went silently down the passageway. He did this in a very slow no-nonsense manner and took note of things he'd never noticed before. Things he wouldn't see the again.

Why did HE have to do things like this? Because HE was the first man? Oh, sure.

Theodore felt very much that he'd have liked to have stayed in that tree since he was born…but he just HAD to form a rock and roll band. Then he was picked up by a UfO and ended up, where? Here.

Here.

Here was a very big and spacious place. Filled with hitchhikers from around the Galaxy. But never before had they picked up a Mailbox.

If HERE was such a horrible place, Marvin, who was, at the moment, OVER THERE, in THAT PLACE, then he must not have been feeling very well.

Theodore brightened somewhat after he was struck with the thought of some man he'd never even thought of until now and that he was worse of than he was.

So finally, after wandering down the long hallway and coming to a portal, he stopped and sighed.

"JessIE!" he cried into the airshaft above him. A guy who had been at the time, talking to a waste paper basket, snapped to attention.

"The Mailbox, Jessie. The boss wants him aboard." Theodore said quietly.

"Another one? Soon we won't have enough room left!"

"Yes. Hurry it up."

The man stared back down at him. "Don't be stupid! What would the boss do if the circus was to come, asking for a ride, and we didn't have any space left because some ingrate of a mailbox from some bastard postal company was filling up useless space in his own private, flashy little cabin? Where would they put the chimpanzee's then, eh?"

"What?" Theodore screwed up his face in annoyance.

"We must make a peace offering!" Jessie bellowed, waving his arms frantically.

"What the…? We've never done that before!"

"Get him something…Oh I don't know…a candy bar?"

"A CANDY bar? Are you insane?"

"What else did you have in mind?" Jessie hissed, pointing accusingly.

Theodore snarled under his breath. The man was so damned insufferable.

"Well…" he said after some time, digging around in his pocket, "How about his?"

Jessie looked down at the dirty YoYo in his hands.

"A YO YO?"

"Yes…" Theodore retorted weakly.

"No. I won't open the gate until you bring me back a Candy Bar."

"I won't!"

"Yes you will!"

Theodore screamed in anguish and heaved the Yo-Yo at a nearby window. The force of the point-blank throw caused a tiny hole to be cracked through the glass. An unsuspecting Chinese tourist screamed as he was sucked into the vacuous void. It was fortunate that his ass created a sort of plug for the incident. Theodore paid him no mind, and continued on.

It was, after all, a Duncan.

Theodore cast one last dirty look towards the psycho redneck sitting up in his hatch. Damn the bastard. He was just being difficult. And because of that, he now had to continue on his way to the…*shudder* Bon Bon department. He looked wistfully out a porthole and wished he could have one last day to do whatever it was chipmunks do when they're about to die.

And why did they make…HIM the manager? He was utterly evil, vile, horribly angry and temperamental…totally and amazingly so. And he had a tail…that just wasn't right.

Theodore came to the door suddenly. It loomed up in front of him like a giant. And in big friendly letters, big, black friendly letters, were the words;

BON BON DEPARTMENT. ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTERS.

Wasn't that encouraging.

Then, in tiny blue letter beneath that;

DON'T PISS ME OFF YOU LITTLE SHIT.

Theodore gulped and swung the door open. There was nothing there but blackness.

Like a Void.

Then, while inspecting a jar filled with M&M's, a growley voice said…

"Why are you bothering me, woman?"

Theodore jumped.

"Begging your pardon Sir…But I'm a man."

The `voice' growled again.

"Have we met? Like I give a damn."

"Once. I escaped with my life."

All that was peeking from over the chair was the wild tip of flaming black hair. It suddenly twitched.

"Shouldn't that have heeded as a warning?"

Fire flared up from what seemed to be the flower pots on either side of the chair in a rather dramatic display.

"I guess I'm just stupid, Sir."

"Cut the Sir crap. What the hell do you want?"

"I was sent on a mission to find a peace offering. We have a new passenger and Jessie insists that I give him something to eat in case he might be rabid."

"So you want Candy."

"Yes…Candy."

The chair slowly began to turn towards him. Theodore noted with some discomfort that it was one of those big, luxurious crime boss chairs.

"Did you say…Candy?"

The fire flared again.

Theodore was ready to personally wet himself, but decided against it.

"Do I have to remind you that I don't just `give away' candy like this?" the voice snorted.

Theodore bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut.

"I should have never left the NASA space corporation…all I ever wanted to be was a…a…"

The chair finished its cycle and spun around at warp speed, and the enormously big black thing lunged for his throat.

"A LUMBERJACK!?" the man who was called Vegita screamed, IF, you can imagine Vegita screaming…like a woman…

Theodore jumped, a little surprised. "Well…yes."

Through the dim haze of it all he remembered thinking something about how he should write an editorial in the paper about cruelty to chipmunks. It was quite an issue these days.

The hands left his throat.

"Oh. Why the fuck didn't you say so? I haven't heard that song for a long time. Why don't you sing it for me and I might give you this Mars bar."

"I was to busy trying not to shit my pants. But I really don't like to sing and dance."

"Heh."

"Pardon me?'

"I SAID, `HEH'! Never mind that…why the hell do you expect ME to give you any of MY candy?"

"Because…you're a nice person and you like to love and share?"

Vegita bristled.

"Love and share huh? Everyone has such high expectations these days."

"A-ah…"

"Are you quoting Barney? Because if you are…"

"No Sir."

"Good. Then consider yourself lucky, stupid little deformity." He abruptly hit him smack dead in the face with the candy bar, sat back, and stared him down.

"Really?' Theodore said excitedly, peeling the bar from its current place on his face.

"Now piss off before I change my mind and kill you."

Not wanting to chance anything, Theodore abruptly left.

Sometime later…

Jessie slammed his hand down on the control panel and felt the need to assert himself.

"Where HAVE you been?" he asked Theodore in a very gay voice.

"With Charlie in the Chocolate puuuuuuuding factory." Replied the chipmunk with sardonic contempt.

"I think you've been drinking." Jessie said quietly.

"I haven't!" he said, holding out his hand to show Jessie the candy bar. "Now, will you please open the doors?"

Jessie thought about this for a moment, and after some time decided that considering the Chipmunks current condition, that maybe he should.

"I loathe days like this, you know." He said with a rather long and terribly annoying sigh.

Theodore stood and began to publicly investigate just how loudly he could make a croaking sound.

Then, in a sudden flash of lights and a lot of screaming, the squeaking of the drawbridge opening could be heard.

"ANNOUNCING THE VISITOR!" Jessie wailed into the Intercom. The Chinese tourist cringed.

A number of things happened then:

#1. Vegita snarled and hugged a candy jar close.

#2. Theodore abruptly stopped his public investigation and wet himself for the fourth time that day, setting a new record.

#3. An overly smart Gremlin wearing a formal suit and glasses began a speech on American Democracy.

#4. The overly stupid Gremlin beside the overly smart Gremlin made a honking noise like side show Mel, which made side show Bob very angry.

#5. Kevin Costner and Val Kilmer drank coffee and guarded the distilled water.

#6. An electrical talking parrot was thrown across the room and narrowly missed somebody, then hit some unfortunate guy that had delayed reactions.

#7. Tasuki lit himself on fire.

#8. Bob Saget had a brush shoved up his ass for obvious reasons.

#9. A fight between a homosexual and a rabid grandmother of 67 broke out on Jerry Springer.

#10. Vegita smirked and crossed his arms while making some remark about `woman'

#11. Bulma made a time machine.

#12. And then…

And then, there was a tiny squeaking sound, like something hadn't been oiled in a very long time. And…coming up the bridge, very slowly in order to draw out everyone's full attention and make them wait until the last possible second, a tiny mailbox peeked over the edge of the docking bays.

Everyone was silent.

Deep in the Bon Bon department, the fire flared yet again.

Then the mailbox coughed politely. "Er…hello?"

Theodore and Jessie walked excitedly over to the new visitor.

"Greetings!" Jessie said with just the right amount of hesitation.

Theodore walked around and examined the newest arrival to their ship.

My god.

Captain Zelgadis was going to be very upset when he discovered that this mailbox was…just a mailbox. It wasn't even a handsome mailbox. Just…a mailbox. Well, there goes his singing career.

"Hello." He said, drawing out the word. "And you would be…?"

"Tsubasa"

"Ah." Theodore replied, crossing his legs in an awkward position. "Sex?"

The mailbox was quiet.

"Not…often."

"No…I mean your gender."

"Oh! Well…why didn't you say so?"

Theodore put one hand behind his head and laughed nervously.

"Um! Why didn't I? Ha…ha…ha."

"So…"

"Uh huhhh…"

"Sigh…yep."

"Right on."

"Spank my ass and call me Charlie…"

"Ha…ha…"

Jessie made strange noises off to the side.

"Well…?"

"Um…"

"WHAT ARE YOU????"

"To tell you that information, I would have to rip out your tongue."

"Oh. I see. Well Jessie, I'll leave you in charge to show our guest around…"

"Uh…why?"

"Didn't you know? I'm off to tell the boss of the arrival of a rather boring looking hermaphrodite mailbox."

"That's nice." Jessie replied. "Come on…er, what did you say your name was?"

"Tsubasa."

"Right. So come on then…I'll introduce you to everybody around here…"