Macross Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ The Legend of Macross (which has nothing to do with Macross, really) ❯ Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12: THE EVIL DIRTY NUDE TREEPLANTERS WITH TWO DICKS AND NO COMMON SENSE WHATSOEVER…

The brave, strong, daring Vegita was feeling vindicated.

***Is that the word I'm searching for here peoples?***

He hadn't been mentioned except to be portrayed as some psychotic twisted guy that had some thing for Bon-Bon's. And then that dammed Goku had to go and tell the whole world about his all to embarrassing adventure as a fun loving wood's guide.

It wasn't fair! He was always being made fun of! First he was some gay guy in ballerina tights and then he was stuck in a funhouse…

~Yes, I enjoy putting the Prince in embarrassing situations.

(There was a close-up of a short midget in cowboy chap's holding a guitar and sitting in the middle of a vast barren wasteland. We'll call him Mr.Narrator, for now)

"Been here for a few weeks now…"

(Sailor Moon Theme is playing in the background)

"And I got kinda bored…"

(Theme gets louder)

"So I thought I'd tell you a tale…"

(There's a gunshot, screaming, and the hollow wind blowing across the land following. Two abnormally large men come into the picture and look down at the man lying in the dirt)

Nappa: Well that takes care of that.

Radditz: If there's one thing I can't stand, its annoying rednecks that think they're superior because they can play music. And Carrots. I hate carrots. If there's two things I can't stand its…

Nappa: We get the point. (Re-loads the rifle)

Radditz: Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer leaps up for one last scare…

(Silence, then…Two stupid minds try to comprehend how a CowBoy could ever be a killer…then…BOO!!!)

(Nappa screams and fires the rifle. There was silence, and the answer was put into play)

Radditz: Why were we out here again? (blank look)

Nappa: Scouting for Tree Planters.

Radditz: If there's one thing I can't stand its annoying rednecks, carrots and Tree Planters.

Nappa: What about Vegita?

Radditz: I think he's kinda cute.

(There was a puff of smoke, a rather unexciting one at that, and Vegita's evil twin brother from the seven chambers of eternal hell, or rather the recording studio of his horrible Dub takes. "TIME TO SEND YOU TO THE NEXT DIMENSION!! And other corny lines…appeared)

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!? NOW WE ARE WITHOUT ANYONE TO NARRATE THE STORY!!! INSOLENT FOOLS!

Radditz: We're uh…scouting.

Nappa: For tree planters.

Radditz: Evil, evil tree planters. Think they can get away with nuclear warfare cause they have dusty trucks, walk around nude and have a second penis.

Vegita stares at Nappa. Radditz signals the end of the uncomfortable silence and clears his throat.

Radditz: Uh, well. We'll be on our way then. (takes the rifle) we're off to-

Nappa: See the wizard? Oh Good! We missed him last week, I hope we can see him today, perhaps catch a glimpse! (Giggles giddily and swings a butterfly net around) Oh How I love wizard hunting!! He has such a nice garden, prince Vegita! You should see the magnolias! You'd positively go into ORGASM!

(Vegita took the moment to lean over and politely vomit into an anthill.)

Radditz: No Nappa. We're off to see if we can find anymore evil space tree planter aliens.

Nappa: (sighs and hangs his head) I suppose. But next week…maybe? (Eyes shine excitedly)

Radditz: (casts a worried glance in Vegita's direction and yanks Nappa away) Come along…

Unknown to our hero's, a band of potentially dangerous evil alienated tree planters from hell started off to attack our friendly prince, mister Vegita while he was in the company of…friends he likes to pretend he has. Using theirESP they could determine that the prince was in the wine cellar doing whatever it was princes do in wine cellars, although I can venture as far to say that it was probably the obvious. Vegita was alone, vulnerable, and quite intoxicated at the time. Upstairs, Thelma the cleaning lady gasped in horror at the pile of paperwork their prince had neglected so he could so generously become drunk in the midst of many cheerful grapes. Then, while he was curled up with his friends `The many empty wine bottles' they made their move….

GT Trunks and Goten laughed with glee and slung their dirty tree planter backpacks over their dirty tree planter shoulders and hiked up their…well, Goten hiked up his dirty tree planter pants. Trunks on the other hand, was as evil as 123, and just as smart as ABC. So Trunks, being 100% All Canadian Tree Planter preferred to go naked on their hunt.

But just as soon they were spotted by two abnormally large men on the horizon.

"Hello!" Trunks called out cheerfully. There was a gasp from the bald man, who was carrying a butterfly net. Trunks saw this and visibly cringed. "What are you two doing today?"

"Averting our eyes, kind sir."

Goten laughed and put his hands on his dirty tree planter hips. "Scared of a little nudity, are we?"

Radditz abruptly made a choking sound and looked at his feet.

"We have orders from the high prince to terminate you."

Goten laughed again and began to chew on whatever it was tree planters chewed on while thinking impure thoughts, but whatever it was it was most likely dirty. "Oh yes. We're off to pay him a visit. You can come along if you'd like, see what we have in store for him"

Both tree planters threw back their heads and laughed maniacally for quite a while. Lightning hit the ground inches from them creating quite a dramatic effect.

"What do you want from us?" Nappa wailed.

Trunks giggled and pulled out a tiny rock from his pack, took a few steps back and flung it to the ground. There was a loud popping noise and he was gone.

Goten raised an eyebrow, and, preferring the more traditional Skiek way, pulled out a harp and vanished.

Nappa and Radditz stood in the clearing smoke for a while before Nappa giggled and began to swing his butterfly net around in circles.

"CAN WE GO WIZARD HUNTING NOW?? HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH??? CANWECANWECANWE???"

He jumped up and down for emphasis. Radditz looked `Not amused' and smashed his partner on the skull.

"SILENCE! We have to tell the Prince!"

Nappa looked up quizzically. "Is the Sky falling?"

Radditz sweatdropped.

Vegita crossed his arms and stared out over his vast wasteland. There was nothing more satisfying than destroying a planet to make it so beautiful…

"I claim this land!"

Vegita scowled and looked off in the direction of the voice. He took the binoculars from around his neck and peered through them.

What he saw made him want to vomit again. Tree Planters! But they weren't the usual kind. No, they looked evil, so they deserved some credit, but they were the especially ugly and smelly ones with dreadlocks and hiking boots that liked to fart. ALIEN Tree Planters!!

Vegita leaned out over the edge of his castle and looked closer. They were reaching into their backpacks…and…

They pulled out a package of seeds!

Vegita growled. After all the hard and exceptionally pleasing work he'd done to this planet, how DARE these ugly little beasts come and try to make it beautiful again?

He scowled, snorted and began to storm off down the edge of the castle.

Goten looked out over his shoulder and laughed with glee once again at the approaching Prince who was, at the time, having a hard time keeping upright.

"WHO DARES DISTURBS THE TRANQUILITY OF MY WASTELAND!?" he bellowed.

Trunks sighed and turned around. The Prince's knees buckled, and it wasn't from the drinks.

"You look oddly familiar…" was his instantaneous reply as he tried to look elsewhere.

"That's what they ALL say"

"Looks like we've got another one." Goten said, walking up to the Prince and grabbing him by the throat. "You look like you've got some problem with nudity, pal! C'mon! Say it to my face! You prejudice little freak!"

Vegita snarled and backhanded the tree planter backwards. The Purple haired one raised an eyebrow and pointed to the Prince. "Looks like you've got less hair on your forehead than yesterday, dad."

Vegita stared. "What?" he hissed. "DAD? ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I'M BLAD!??"

A scene of amazing violence was about to follow if the explosion hadn't happened. All three jumped and were propelled off their feet by a blast of warm air and flying debris.

"HOLY @#%*!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" Vegita screamed, rising to his feet to get a better look.

Out of a huge crater rose the huge bulk of a flying pirate ship. At the head of the mast was a skinny, rather ugly girl with long scraggly brown hair, oversized glasses and tattered rags. In the crook of her arms she was petting a hairless cat.

"HA HA HA!!! Look what we've found Girls!" she leaned over the edge of the ship and pointed.

Vegita winced at the cackling shriek.

Two girls of about the same age rose from below to get a better look. One visibly became happier at the sight; she had short red hair cropped at the ears. The other looked decidedly bored out of her mind. She adjusted her glasses, sighed, and glanced to the skinny girl.

"Yeah, so?"

The girl snapped a whip and laughed again. The cat leaped out of her arms and scurried to safety.

"Now there's two of them!" The redhead cried, bunching her fists up and giggling excitedly.

Vegita suddenly raised a hand.

"Excuse me…but…who the hell are you?"

The three looked at each other. "A little nicer than the guard." They agreed.

"EH?"

The Guard that looked `Not Unlike Vegita' came up beside the three girls. The prince gasped and took a step back.

"What the hell!?"

Another came up beside the guard, this one with shoulder length purple hair and a sword, and gasped as he met eyes with the purple haired tree planter.

"What the hell indeed!" Trunks the evil tree planter cried obviously offended.

There was a moment of silence, and the other Trunks aboard the ship suddenly shrinked back. "I'm gonna have a seizure." He whimpered.

There was another explosion, louder this time, and all seven of them were knocked from their feet. Vegita picked himself up off the ground with a snarl of rage.

"WHAT NOW!?" he screamed into the settling dust.

A figure, more built than him but with the same upsweep of familiar hair was standing over him when his vision cleared. Everyone gasped. The lone figure frowned and raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me…but, who the hell do you think you're trying to clone?" he said.

Vegita got up from the ground and put his hands on his hips.

"I'm an original, I'll have you know."

"I'M the real Vegita here." The figure said.

"I'm your evil twin brother from a parallel universe, or at least the seven chambers of eternal hell. Notice the critically infamous overly exaggerated widows peak?"

"Hn. I see. You're my old self, the two inch tall ugly scrawny weakling that had nothing better to do than hang around with bald gay lords?"

"American Vegeta. That is…sad, but true."

The Japanese Vegita held out his arms and grinned wickedly. "BEHOLD THE FRUITS OF OUR LABORS! The new and improved Vegita!"

From the ship, the girl with the red hair who was indeed Keiro, giggled and bounced up and down. "LEMONY FRESH SCENT?"

Vegita turned with a sweatdrop and shook his head. "Uh, no."

"More like…bittersweet…coffee?" Goten offered from behind him, while trying to look inconspicuous about sniffing the Prince. Vegita backhanded him into the dirt behind him.

"AUGH! I HAVE JUST BEEN VIOLATED!"

(A tall man that looked like a vampire from hell appeared behind them, opened a book made entirely of human skin, took a breath and said; you have been accused guilty of breaking the law of the dead #36706 and will be promptly killed by an American Flag. May the good spirits be with you. And then he vanished.)

Goten screamed as a huge American Flag was thrown towards him and he dissolved in a tiny puddle of cartoony ash. Trunks the dirty nudist tree planter began to cry for lack of something better to do. Keiro hopped down from the ship despite her leader's protests and attached herself to the real Prince's legs.

"Take me away! From all of this madness, I implore you!!"

Vegita screamed in anguish and kicked her off rather rudely. She left a neat little `Perfectly formed circle' in the wall of the ship behind her, but was not to be outdone.

"I have to get back to the ship, my public needs me!" he said, preparing to vanish in his unexciting burst of smoke. He promptly wondered what in hell possessed him to say such a thing.

Keiro ran back to him and growled, tapping him on the shoulder. "Lookie, buddy. Would you want to go back on that ship with…her!?" she pointed at heather.

Vegita frowned. "No. Not for anything."

She grinned. "Then it's settled. I'm coming with you."

Vegita was about to backhand her through the conveniently located mountain behind them, but stopped when he remembered the certain evil author that was writing this tale. If she wanted Keiro to go with him, then it would happen.

He rued the day she was born.

Nonetheless, Heather was not too pleased about this arrangement. She cupped her hands to her mouth and screamed at Keiro, who tried hard to ignore her. "You ungrateful wench! Fine! Go with the freaky bastard! See if I give a shit!"

Keiro watched her ship take flight, and waved a final goodbye to her two friends aboard. Then she turned to Vegita and said, "Let's get this over with." In a dramatic, no-nonsense voice. He raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

She shrugged. "Who knows?"