Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Bringing Life to the Fox ❯ One: The Crimson Cardinal ( Chapter 1 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Xander B 
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 10.02.2008 | Updated On: 11.13.2008 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.4K | Visits: 711 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 10.02.2008 | Updated On: 11.13.2008 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.4K | Visits: 711 | Status: Completed
Bringing Life to the Fox
One: The Crimson Cardinal
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Pairings: Sasuke/Naruto, Sai/Naruto
Warnings: Lemon, yaoi, swearing, angst, violence, some oocness, waff, etc. Don't like, don't read.
~Lyrics~ >Song called “Not Tonight” by Tegan and Sara
~Love, pull your sore ribs in
I will pull your tangles out
In the back of your car
I feel like I have traveled nowhere~
(Sai POV)
I watched him as he trained, his muscles straining to keep up with his spirit. He was sweating and his face was red, his platinum hair matted to his skull with the perspiration. He worked so hard, trying so desperately to make himself stronger, strong enough to bring the Uchiha back. It was not so long ago that I was supposed to kill the insufferable man. And by Kami, I wished I had succeeded. It was of course, his fault that Naruto ran himself ragged hoping to bring him back. The idiot Uchiha didn't even want to come back.
Naruto drove himself to exhaustion on a regular basis, training day in and day out, pushing himself to the brink of his physical limits and his sanity. I thought it was futile. Sasuke wasn't coming back, not unless the blond dragged him back unconscious and even then, I got the distinct impression that he would just as soon leave again. Naruto just couldn't stop himself from trying. He wanted to keep searching, keep following pointless leads until he brought the raven-haired man back or killed himself trying. It was irrational, and stupid, but I understood. I wasn't the most emotionally in tune individual, but I could tell that Naruto was utterly enamored with the youngest Uchiha.
Perhaps, the others had yet to realize what exactly it was that was driving the blond demon vessel, but I understood clearly. I hated to think of it. It was an emotion I had never felt to my knowledge and I wasn't particularly sure how to feel it, but I didn't like the thought of Naruto feeling it for Sasuke. The others, if asked, would probably deny the possibility of such a notion, but I knew better. Love was the only logical explanation for Naruto's desperation, his determination.
It had intrigued me at first and I had observed him, seeing him fight until he could hardly stand, sleep it off and begin all over again. And eventually, I began thinking that the Uchiha must have been some kind of imbecile for ever leaving the beautiful blond at all. It made my body heat and I became irritated, like I wanted to hit something when I thought about the injustice of it. Just how much did the traitor take Naruto for granted? Did he think that no one would ever take an interest in him, so he could just leave him all alone to be picked back up later when it was convenient for the arrogant man? How often had he used Naruto's innocent intentions and taken advantage of the naive fox container?
I glanced back at the blond from the sidelines, just gazed at him while he sweat and swore, spewing colourful profanities at nothing in particular. I would have found it amusing if it had been for any other reason, but the Uchiha's return. It was not the first time that I had watched him like this; in fact it was one of many times that I had watched him. And this time as with several other more frequent times, I felt the incredibly overwhelming urge to hold him, to hug him tightly to my breast and make him forget about the other man. His knuckles bled as his punches blurred, staining the beaten logs crimson. I sighed, wishing that he would stop, stop fighting, stop searching, and stop hurting himself. But he wouldn't, even with tears in his cerulean eyes, he wouldn't quit, not until he'd worn himself out to the point that he couldn't stand anymore.
He would run himself down until he collapsed or fainted and that was why I was there, just waiting and watching for that very moment. He'd exhaust himself and I would be there to bring him home, like I had so many times before. Whether he had realized it or not, it had become a common occurrence and I almost looked forward to it now, not that I enjoyed watching him destroying himself, but because it was the only way for him to find the release he so direly needed and it was the only time he could be free. And I wanted to be there to bear witness to it.
I heaved a sigh of exasperation that I was sure he would have heard had the wind not stolen it. My chest ached as I watched him. He was always worse after we had returned from a failed attempt to retrieve the lost member of team seven, the one I was supposedly replacing. He smiled less with every day, month, year that came to pass without the Uchiha. And no matter how badly I wanted to take his place or how hard I tried to replace him in Naruto's world, I couldn't.
Naruto loved him and therefore could not let him go. He still smiled to keep up appearances for the others, but they were cheap imitations of the real ones he had graced us with in the past. The life in his eyes was slowly draining away, leaving nothing but a husk of the original version of the gorgeous blond. I sometimes wondered how long it would be before he would break completely. I just hoped that I would be there when he did. I knew that I would be the one to pick up the pieces when he finally broke, his fragile heart shattering. And the others either didn't know, or they did, but couldn't figure out how to help.
Dusk was falling swiftly, forcefully shoving the reluctant sun below the horizon and preparing to plunge Konoha into the darkness of night. I knew that he would finish soon. He'd been at it for hours already and his body would be protesting, warning him that it was wearing thin. When it finally happened, he'd be too exhausted to walk himself home and I would be there, waiting. I exhaled again, glancing up at the trees in thought.
A crimson cardinal caught my eye. I peered at it curiously. It stood all alone on a tree branch, staring at the scarlet feathers laying in a heap at the foot of the massive oak. I cocked my head. The carcass of the other bird was old, months probably and yet he remained. He lingered, mourning his lost lover and I was reminded of my tragic friend; if only he were so lucky. If Sasuke were dead, wouldn't it be easier to mourn him? If he were dead, Naruto could live. Besides, wasn't it easier to mourn one who is dead than one who had abandoned you?
Another, smaller cardinal joined the first on the branch, sidling closer ever so slowly until it was able to brush its vibrant crimson feathers against those of the mourning male. He glanced at the petite female briefly before moving away from her. A smile crept onto my face as she persisted, following after him, determined to gain his attention. She was courting him, pursuing him whether he liked it or not. He rejected her several times, but she was not so easily deterred.
After many attempts, she stood watching him as he eyed her right back. She cocked her head in question just a little and I was surprised when he took one last glance at his dead lover before he flew closer to her. He had miraculously decided that he was ready to stop pining for his lost love. I wondered silently if there would come a time when Naruto would do the same. I wanted so much to help him to forget the Uchiha, but I didn't know how to go about doing so. How did one go about replacing a past lover?
I looked back towards the melancholy blond. He was no longer moving about, but laying flat on his back upon the cool grass, his arms and legs flailed wide and his chest heaving as he breathed heavily. His eyes were closed and I thought briefly that maybe he had fainted. He hadn't. I kept an enigmatic grin on my lips as I walked leisurely over to his prone form.
He didn't even twitch as I reached for him. I held out a pale hand to him in the twilight. He didn't open his eyes as he reached up to grasp my outstretched hand instinctively, blindly clasping my fingers with his own calloused hand. I pulled him to his feet, allowing him to lean on me as much as he needed to.
I didn't quite understand why I felt warm when he pressed in close and wrapped a steadying arm around my neck. Everywhere that his heated skin touched mine tingled and uncontrollable shivers spread out from the point of contact. I wrapped my own arm around his slim waist and guided him along the path back to his apartment. I knew the way with my eyes closed. It had become a part of the routine after all.
He limped slightly, his unoccupied arm clenching around his midsection. He'd overdone it again. He cradled his sore ribs gently as we made it into his home. I knew my way around the tiny apartment, easily maneuvering around furniture and other things. I wanted to take him to the hospital, but I knew what his reaction would be. It was always the same. He would refuse. It was one of the reasons I had learned his apartment so well. He'd made me swear long ago, when this routine had just begun, that I would never tell anyone about what went on during these occurrences and I was to be the only one to help him. So the routine had started.
I set him down on the sagging olive-coloured sofa softly, flicking on just a dull lamp before running him a bath. I'd been doing it far too often than could be considered healthy and it was getting progressively worse and worse as time went on. Another year had come to pass as midnight slid by and Sasuke had still not returned. I didn't think he ever would, but I kept my opinion to myself.
I ran the water for his bath, adding fragrant oils and setting towels out nearer to the tub's edge before going back out to the sparsely furnished living room to retrieve my friend. He hadn't really moved since I'd placed him on the elderly couch and when I came back to get him, his eyes finally fluttered open, revealing the tired crystal blue irises and the pain he'd been holding in for so long. He flashed me a grateful smile as I brought him into the bathroom. It was a tight squeeze for a moment before I left him there as he began to undress.
I'd seen him nude before, but something had changed in the last few months. I could feel my face burn with the mere thought of the prospect of seeing him naked. It was difficult to explain, even more so to understand. Such feelings were foreign ground for me. I shook away my odd thoughts and wandered into the small kitchen. He would most likely be a while, so I would go and cook him something to eat for when he was finished. It was all a part of our routine.
I opened the fridge, expecting it to be near empty, but I was pleasantly surprised to find groceries still inside of the stainless steel box. Fresh chicken, green and red peppers, as well as some left over ginger sauce caught my attention as I scanned the contents of the large refrigerator. I pulled the items out, smelling the sauce to make sure it was still safe to use. It smelled alright, so I began to prepare the meal. I chopped the peppers and chicken, frying them together with the sauce, quickly throwing some rice into the rice cooker before finishing with the chicken and peppers in the ginger sauce. As I stood, stirring the sauce, I became lost in my own thoughts once more.
I found myself imagining that this was not a routine that happened only because of Naruto's hardheadedness, but because this was our routine, just the two of us. I imagined that we were living together under his roof and it was my turn to cook dinner for the evening. I hummed softly as I pictured the blond watching me as I laid across from him in his bed. His lips would be wet and he'd move ever so smoothly closer and his lips would be so close to pressing against my own. I closed my eyes. I could almost feel them against mine.
Reality chose that moment to come crashing back down on me angrily as the hissing of the rice in the cooker broke into my daydream. I shook my head with a heavy sigh and set about finishing the food. Those kinds of thoughts had been becoming more and more frequent, flitting through my mind unexpectedly. I was beginning to fear that I might have been 'falling for' Naruto as girls always seemed to put it. Was it normal to imagine untrue things when one fell in love?
Did everyone imagine the same types of things that I did? Did they imagine kissing like I did? Had they all ached when the person they cared for was in pain? Had they all felt the uncomfortable fluttering in their abdomens when they got too close to their precious person? I had become so incredibly confused. I had no clue as to what the emotion was, never having experienced many emotions at all. How did one know if they were in love? Did Naruto feel like I did for him, for Sasuke?
I didn't want him to. I hoped it wasn't true, mostly because I wanted, wished that he'd feel that way for me. Sasuke didn't deserve anything so precious as Naruto. I swallowed hard as I felt nauseous. I despised the Uchiha and I didn't even know him. All I knew was that he was hurting the one that I loved. And I hated him for it.
I shoved the thoughts to the farthest recesses of my mind and scooped rice into a bowl and poured the sauce over it. I set it on the low table in front of the old sofa in the living room along with a pair of chopsticks. I was sure that Naruto wouldn't be too much longer.
~What will bring me home?
What will make me stay? Stay
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay? Stay
Well I don't know
I don't know who-ooh
I don't know
I don't know who-ooh~
(Naruto POV)
I stared at my reflection in the fogged mirror. I looked like shit. My eyes were blank, bruised bags laying beneath the glassy cerulean orbs, lips set in a grim line, dull blond locks tousled haphazardly, and a far too thin body. I wanted to gag, turning away from the person staring back at me from the mirror. I wondered idly how anyone could stand to see me like that. How could Sai stand me?
Sai... The very thought of him made me feel like I was betraying Sasuke, like somehow I was being unfaithful to him or something. It wasn't like I had done anything with Sai, but I still felt like I was doing something wrong. It was just so hard to be alone. Sai was there and Sasuke was not. What was I supposed to do? Sai took care of me, dressing my wounds, never complaining when I was being irrational or surly. He listened, but didn't judge; he didn't say a word. I think he understood more than he let on.
I didn't understand why he was always so willing to help me. I really didn't comprehend what he wanted in return. He hadn't asked for anything yet and I felt uneasy, like he was maybe just biding his time. We were too easily becoming used to the routine. I already knew what he would be doing when I went out to the living room. He'd have set out a meal for me and he'd be sitting on the couch with a comb in his hand waiting to brush the tangles out of my mussed hair. And he wouldn't say a thing. He'd just silently watch me while I ate the food he'd cooked and he'd tend to my hair while I was eating. Then, after I was finished, he'd put me to bed and tidy my apartment. He'd clean the dishes and write a list of groceries that I needed. I'd be asleep before he ever let himself out for the night, locking the door behind himself.
Then we would repeat it all over again the next day and the day after until something like a mission interrupted our routine. I knew that something had to give, I couldn't keep up the charade. It was like he was forcing me to fall in love with him, even if he didn't realize that he was doing it at all. I loved Sasuke; I couldn't afford to give my heart away again to someone else, loving one raven was enough. Sai was just making things more difficult for me, making me think about him constantly, wanting him and I was so close to betraying Sasuke. But the worst part of the whole ordeal was that I couldn't bring myself to push Sai away. I didn't want to be alone anymore and he never asked questions like the others would. He never lectured or yelled or told me how stupid I was for loving the cold bastard Uchiha, not that anyone else knew about him and I. Sai was so easy to be around, at least now that he had begun gaining emotions.
Kami knew how sorely I wanted to just throw caution to the wind and let Sai have Sasuke's place in my heart. Oh how I had begun to want the pale ANBU to make me forget the stupid Uchiha. I was beginning to wonder just what it would be like to be with Sai, to really be with him, to let him make love to me. Would he be rough and rushed like Sasuke had been? Would he fumble and push or would he be gentle or maybe detached? What would his kisses feel like on my flesh? What would my name sound like on his lips when he was inside of me?
I wanted to know the answers to the questions more and more as the time went by, time I spent with the quiet ANBU. The more time I spent in Sai's company, the more I wondered about it and desired it. I wanted him to do the things I thought about. I wanted him to kiss me and take me. Like right then, when he was putting me to bed, I wished that he'd lean in close and I'd pull him onto the bed with me, into the sheets that I'd once shared with the Uchiha and Kami, but I wanted to ask him to stay the night, to never leave me. But it just wasn't to be done.
I heaved a sigh, my exhausted body protesting even the slightest movements. My ribs ached dully, radiating pain through my side and chest, but the pain was already receding, the fox doing its job. My heart throbbed, but it was a pain that the fox could not relieve. I knew that it was awful for me to feel the way that I did then, wanting Sai to replace the man in my heart. I hadn't been with Sasuke in nearly four years and Sai was always around. How could I be expected to be in so much pain and emotional despair and survive? I needed something, someone to keep me alive and Sasuke was nowhere in sight.
I exhaled, letting the moist air out of my tired lungs completely and cleared my mind as best I could before exiting the bathroom. It was time to face Sai.
Sure enough, when I made my way into the small living room, he was right where I knew he'd be, sitting on the olive green sofa, staring at nothing, a brush dangling from his loose grip and there was a steaming bowl of food set out on the coffee table. The smell of it made my mouth water, but I stood still. Sai hadn't seemed to notice that I was there at first. I studied him briefly. The pale man sitting silently on my couch was such a mystery.
I'd often wondered what he had been like as a child. He'd always been in Konoha, but he'd never been at the academy, never in town. I'd never glimpsed him or met him before. I wondered if he had always been so quiet? Was he always without emotion? What were his parents like? How had he started drawing? There were so many things that I didn't know about him, but I wanted to. I wanted to know everything about him.
I shook my head , trying to clear the unfaithful thoughts from my mind. Why did it have to be so hard? Everything had become so complicated. I loved Sasuke, but I was falling for a whole other raven. And I was having an astonishingly difficult time stopping it from happening. I was like a drowning man. Why couldn't I have met Sai before Sasuke, fallen in love with him first?
Sai finally turned to gaze at me, his dark eyes so similar to another pair of eyes, peered at me warmly. I swallowed and moved awkwardly to sit next to him before sliding to the cool wood of the floor and picking up the bowl and chopsticks. Sai sidled up behind me, already reaching to brush the stubborn knots from my hair gently. I ate silently, enjoying the feel of his fingers in the messy blond strands. He didn't speak as usual. I smiled in spite of myself at the utter familiarity of the whole situation.
Then things changed, deviating from the usual routine. Sai's hands traveled from my head to my taught shoulders, massaging the tightness from them expertly. I let my head lull back against his crossed legs, the soft skin rubbing against my neck. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to relax for once.
After a few moments of quiet, there was an unexpected and entirely too pleasant pressure on my lips. My eyes shot open, meeting with the sight of Sai hovering above me, his pale pink lips just centimeters from my own. I knew instantly what the pressure had been. I moved more reluctantly than I cared to admit.
I stood up as though I was moving in slow motion and tried to stare at him incredulously. He just stared right back, waiting for me to speak, offering me no explanation for what he'd just done. I breathed several deep breaths before I could get my mouth to work properly, words eluding my tongue.
“You-You kissed me!” I finally managed to spit out rather lamely. Sai was so graceful and so quick as he came to stand in front of me.
“Yes,” he agreed in his ever calm voice. I gaped at him. He moved closer and for some reason, I did not step back away from his approach. His hand reached for me, his fingertips soft on my jaw. “And I am going to do so again,” he informed me as he closed what little distance remained between us.
My eyes closed of their own accord as he joined our lips once more, his hands pulling me in closer, my body flush against his. And he smelled so good and he tasted like snow and danger all at once. And I wanted him more than I had wanted anything in a long, long while.
And my mind was telling me to say 'no', to shove him away and tell him we couldn't. 'What about Sasuke?' a little voice in the back of my mind was asking. My body heated to the pale ANBU's touch, but my head screamed that I was betraying the one I loved. The Uchiha had been the only one in my heart for so long, but Sai had somehow managed to push his way in whether I had wanted him to or not.
~Everything in my body says, “Not tonight”
Everything in my body says, “No”
Everything in my body says, “Not tonight”
Everything in my body says, “No”~
Tears welled up behind my closed eyelids, salty liquid clinging to my eyelashes as my arms wound around Sai's slim neck. I was so very lonely and my heart ached so awfully and my body burned with want. Human contact had always been a desire I was denied as a child and even as a teenager, but there was Sai, ready and willing to touch me, no disgust in his eyes or his movements and I wasn't going to stop him, my body craving what it had been deprived for more than half of my life. I knew I was being unfaithful to Sasuke. I'd promised myself that I would wait for him to return, but I just couldn't help, but want Sai. I let him kiss me and I opened my mouth to him.
We ended up in my bedroom on the large bed (one luxury I had allowed myself) before I knew what had occurred and my shirt had disappeared as if I hadn't even been wearing one. Everything was so warm. It felt so wonderful after I'd been cold for so very long. I cried, but I couldn't stop. I wanted what Sai was offering. I needed to be alive again. I needed to be free, to breathe easy for just a little while. Sai pressed me to the navy blue sheets eagerly, his too soft lips on my jawline, my neck, my collarbone and I sobbed.
Then as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped. Sai was gone, standing at least a foot away from the bed and me. I looked at him in confused hurt. I didn't understand what he was doing, why he was leaving me. “Naruto, I-I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again,” he apologized, his normally white cheeks reddened with embarrassment and his voice was so low that I could barely hear his words, his ebony eyes downcast. Then he was turning away as if to leave, his hand already reaching for the handle of the door. Then it struck me; he was going to leave, just like Sasuke had left me.
The look of honest lust and obvious love in his onyx irises killed me and before I could stop myself, I was pulling him by his slim wrist right back into the bed with me. Then we were kissing once again. His mouth was so hot and so soft and his kisses so filled with emotion, more than any he had ever shown before and I thought that I might drown in them.
And I was reminded that he was not Sasuke, could never be the Uchiha and I didn't want him to be, never wanted him to be. Sai was so gentle and calm, like water. He kissed every bit of my tanned skin that he could reach and he undressed me as though I might have been made of porcelain. His hands whispered over my exposed flesh like he was afraid to touch me for fear of shattering me as his tongue trailed languidly over my chest and then my abdomen, dipping into my navel before moving on to more intimate areas.
His mouth on my penis made me jolt in shock. It had been a lengthy period since it had last been touched at all. I hadn't even masturbated in months. I didn't even notice when he lost his own clothing, my mind too fogged with lust and pleasure to really pay much attention to the finer details. I didn't remember later where the oil had come from or when I started moaning for him. I didn't recall when his fingers entered me for the first time or how long it took to stretch me. I vaguely remembered the soft encouragement from him as he thrust them in and out, but that was about all.
And then it came time for the real thing. Sai was a lover and it couldn't be just sex with him, could never be just meaningless sex between us. I knew it and he knew it. Things could never be the same once he had been inside me. The routine would be broken and a new one started. I knew that he wouldn't be able to let me go. And I didn't think that I could let him go either.
And he was whispering to me desperately, asking me permission, giving me a chance to back out, knowing full well what would happen if we went through with it. And I pleaded for it, for him to take me, use me, love me. And he was so careful when he pushed inside, filling me and it was all heat. I cried just like I had the first time and I gasped, wanting him. He breathed heavily, quiet as always, so dependable and predictable. And it was bliss.
Sai waited an eternity to move in me, letting me get used to the feel of him. He didn't complain when I left marks on his back and he didn't swear or tell me how tight I was. He just breathed and watched me, keeping as much of his weight off of me as possible. He was so considerate. It was funny to think that only a year ago, he had been such an asshole. I smiled at him genuinely and he smiled back before thrusting, our eyes locked.
Making love with Sai was nothing like making love with Sasuke. Sai was gentle and intense, Sasuke was eager and passionate. Sai was water and Sasuke was fire and it suited them each so well. I came with a shameful cry and Sai wasn't far behind with a nearly inaudible exhale of my name upon his lips. After, sleep was inevitable, our limbs too tired for motion and our eyes too heavy to keep from closing. Sai was around me, his scent on me and his taste in my mouth. And for once Sasuke was forgotten. The morning after held the promise of being the most pleasant and difficult morning I'd had in a very long while, but wasn't waking up in the warmth of someone's arms worth it?
~What will bring me home
What will make me stay, stay
What will bring me home
What will make me stay, stay
Well I don't know
I don't know who-ooh
I don't know
I don't know who-ooh~
TBC...
Hope you all enjoyed. Guess who comes back in the next installment... >.<
One: The Crimson Cardinal
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Pairings: Sasuke/Naruto, Sai/Naruto
Warnings: Lemon, yaoi, swearing, angst, violence, some oocness, waff, etc. Don't like, don't read.
~Lyrics~ >Song called “Not Tonight” by Tegan and Sara
~Love, pull your sore ribs in
I will pull your tangles out
In the back of your car
I feel like I have traveled nowhere~
(Sai POV)
I watched him as he trained, his muscles straining to keep up with his spirit. He was sweating and his face was red, his platinum hair matted to his skull with the perspiration. He worked so hard, trying so desperately to make himself stronger, strong enough to bring the Uchiha back. It was not so long ago that I was supposed to kill the insufferable man. And by Kami, I wished I had succeeded. It was of course, his fault that Naruto ran himself ragged hoping to bring him back. The idiot Uchiha didn't even want to come back.
Naruto drove himself to exhaustion on a regular basis, training day in and day out, pushing himself to the brink of his physical limits and his sanity. I thought it was futile. Sasuke wasn't coming back, not unless the blond dragged him back unconscious and even then, I got the distinct impression that he would just as soon leave again. Naruto just couldn't stop himself from trying. He wanted to keep searching, keep following pointless leads until he brought the raven-haired man back or killed himself trying. It was irrational, and stupid, but I understood. I wasn't the most emotionally in tune individual, but I could tell that Naruto was utterly enamored with the youngest Uchiha.
Perhaps, the others had yet to realize what exactly it was that was driving the blond demon vessel, but I understood clearly. I hated to think of it. It was an emotion I had never felt to my knowledge and I wasn't particularly sure how to feel it, but I didn't like the thought of Naruto feeling it for Sasuke. The others, if asked, would probably deny the possibility of such a notion, but I knew better. Love was the only logical explanation for Naruto's desperation, his determination.
It had intrigued me at first and I had observed him, seeing him fight until he could hardly stand, sleep it off and begin all over again. And eventually, I began thinking that the Uchiha must have been some kind of imbecile for ever leaving the beautiful blond at all. It made my body heat and I became irritated, like I wanted to hit something when I thought about the injustice of it. Just how much did the traitor take Naruto for granted? Did he think that no one would ever take an interest in him, so he could just leave him all alone to be picked back up later when it was convenient for the arrogant man? How often had he used Naruto's innocent intentions and taken advantage of the naive fox container?
I glanced back at the blond from the sidelines, just gazed at him while he sweat and swore, spewing colourful profanities at nothing in particular. I would have found it amusing if it had been for any other reason, but the Uchiha's return. It was not the first time that I had watched him like this; in fact it was one of many times that I had watched him. And this time as with several other more frequent times, I felt the incredibly overwhelming urge to hold him, to hug him tightly to my breast and make him forget about the other man. His knuckles bled as his punches blurred, staining the beaten logs crimson. I sighed, wishing that he would stop, stop fighting, stop searching, and stop hurting himself. But he wouldn't, even with tears in his cerulean eyes, he wouldn't quit, not until he'd worn himself out to the point that he couldn't stand anymore.
He would run himself down until he collapsed or fainted and that was why I was there, just waiting and watching for that very moment. He'd exhaust himself and I would be there to bring him home, like I had so many times before. Whether he had realized it or not, it had become a common occurrence and I almost looked forward to it now, not that I enjoyed watching him destroying himself, but because it was the only way for him to find the release he so direly needed and it was the only time he could be free. And I wanted to be there to bear witness to it.
I heaved a sigh of exasperation that I was sure he would have heard had the wind not stolen it. My chest ached as I watched him. He was always worse after we had returned from a failed attempt to retrieve the lost member of team seven, the one I was supposedly replacing. He smiled less with every day, month, year that came to pass without the Uchiha. And no matter how badly I wanted to take his place or how hard I tried to replace him in Naruto's world, I couldn't.
Naruto loved him and therefore could not let him go. He still smiled to keep up appearances for the others, but they were cheap imitations of the real ones he had graced us with in the past. The life in his eyes was slowly draining away, leaving nothing but a husk of the original version of the gorgeous blond. I sometimes wondered how long it would be before he would break completely. I just hoped that I would be there when he did. I knew that I would be the one to pick up the pieces when he finally broke, his fragile heart shattering. And the others either didn't know, or they did, but couldn't figure out how to help.
Dusk was falling swiftly, forcefully shoving the reluctant sun below the horizon and preparing to plunge Konoha into the darkness of night. I knew that he would finish soon. He'd been at it for hours already and his body would be protesting, warning him that it was wearing thin. When it finally happened, he'd be too exhausted to walk himself home and I would be there, waiting. I exhaled again, glancing up at the trees in thought.
A crimson cardinal caught my eye. I peered at it curiously. It stood all alone on a tree branch, staring at the scarlet feathers laying in a heap at the foot of the massive oak. I cocked my head. The carcass of the other bird was old, months probably and yet he remained. He lingered, mourning his lost lover and I was reminded of my tragic friend; if only he were so lucky. If Sasuke were dead, wouldn't it be easier to mourn him? If he were dead, Naruto could live. Besides, wasn't it easier to mourn one who is dead than one who had abandoned you?
Another, smaller cardinal joined the first on the branch, sidling closer ever so slowly until it was able to brush its vibrant crimson feathers against those of the mourning male. He glanced at the petite female briefly before moving away from her. A smile crept onto my face as she persisted, following after him, determined to gain his attention. She was courting him, pursuing him whether he liked it or not. He rejected her several times, but she was not so easily deterred.
After many attempts, she stood watching him as he eyed her right back. She cocked her head in question just a little and I was surprised when he took one last glance at his dead lover before he flew closer to her. He had miraculously decided that he was ready to stop pining for his lost love. I wondered silently if there would come a time when Naruto would do the same. I wanted so much to help him to forget the Uchiha, but I didn't know how to go about doing so. How did one go about replacing a past lover?
I looked back towards the melancholy blond. He was no longer moving about, but laying flat on his back upon the cool grass, his arms and legs flailed wide and his chest heaving as he breathed heavily. His eyes were closed and I thought briefly that maybe he had fainted. He hadn't. I kept an enigmatic grin on my lips as I walked leisurely over to his prone form.
He didn't even twitch as I reached for him. I held out a pale hand to him in the twilight. He didn't open his eyes as he reached up to grasp my outstretched hand instinctively, blindly clasping my fingers with his own calloused hand. I pulled him to his feet, allowing him to lean on me as much as he needed to.
I didn't quite understand why I felt warm when he pressed in close and wrapped a steadying arm around my neck. Everywhere that his heated skin touched mine tingled and uncontrollable shivers spread out from the point of contact. I wrapped my own arm around his slim waist and guided him along the path back to his apartment. I knew the way with my eyes closed. It had become a part of the routine after all.
He limped slightly, his unoccupied arm clenching around his midsection. He'd overdone it again. He cradled his sore ribs gently as we made it into his home. I knew my way around the tiny apartment, easily maneuvering around furniture and other things. I wanted to take him to the hospital, but I knew what his reaction would be. It was always the same. He would refuse. It was one of the reasons I had learned his apartment so well. He'd made me swear long ago, when this routine had just begun, that I would never tell anyone about what went on during these occurrences and I was to be the only one to help him. So the routine had started.
I set him down on the sagging olive-coloured sofa softly, flicking on just a dull lamp before running him a bath. I'd been doing it far too often than could be considered healthy and it was getting progressively worse and worse as time went on. Another year had come to pass as midnight slid by and Sasuke had still not returned. I didn't think he ever would, but I kept my opinion to myself.
I ran the water for his bath, adding fragrant oils and setting towels out nearer to the tub's edge before going back out to the sparsely furnished living room to retrieve my friend. He hadn't really moved since I'd placed him on the elderly couch and when I came back to get him, his eyes finally fluttered open, revealing the tired crystal blue irises and the pain he'd been holding in for so long. He flashed me a grateful smile as I brought him into the bathroom. It was a tight squeeze for a moment before I left him there as he began to undress.
I'd seen him nude before, but something had changed in the last few months. I could feel my face burn with the mere thought of the prospect of seeing him naked. It was difficult to explain, even more so to understand. Such feelings were foreign ground for me. I shook away my odd thoughts and wandered into the small kitchen. He would most likely be a while, so I would go and cook him something to eat for when he was finished. It was all a part of our routine.
I opened the fridge, expecting it to be near empty, but I was pleasantly surprised to find groceries still inside of the stainless steel box. Fresh chicken, green and red peppers, as well as some left over ginger sauce caught my attention as I scanned the contents of the large refrigerator. I pulled the items out, smelling the sauce to make sure it was still safe to use. It smelled alright, so I began to prepare the meal. I chopped the peppers and chicken, frying them together with the sauce, quickly throwing some rice into the rice cooker before finishing with the chicken and peppers in the ginger sauce. As I stood, stirring the sauce, I became lost in my own thoughts once more.
I found myself imagining that this was not a routine that happened only because of Naruto's hardheadedness, but because this was our routine, just the two of us. I imagined that we were living together under his roof and it was my turn to cook dinner for the evening. I hummed softly as I pictured the blond watching me as I laid across from him in his bed. His lips would be wet and he'd move ever so smoothly closer and his lips would be so close to pressing against my own. I closed my eyes. I could almost feel them against mine.
Reality chose that moment to come crashing back down on me angrily as the hissing of the rice in the cooker broke into my daydream. I shook my head with a heavy sigh and set about finishing the food. Those kinds of thoughts had been becoming more and more frequent, flitting through my mind unexpectedly. I was beginning to fear that I might have been 'falling for' Naruto as girls always seemed to put it. Was it normal to imagine untrue things when one fell in love?
Did everyone imagine the same types of things that I did? Did they imagine kissing like I did? Had they all ached when the person they cared for was in pain? Had they all felt the uncomfortable fluttering in their abdomens when they got too close to their precious person? I had become so incredibly confused. I had no clue as to what the emotion was, never having experienced many emotions at all. How did one know if they were in love? Did Naruto feel like I did for him, for Sasuke?
I didn't want him to. I hoped it wasn't true, mostly because I wanted, wished that he'd feel that way for me. Sasuke didn't deserve anything so precious as Naruto. I swallowed hard as I felt nauseous. I despised the Uchiha and I didn't even know him. All I knew was that he was hurting the one that I loved. And I hated him for it.
I shoved the thoughts to the farthest recesses of my mind and scooped rice into a bowl and poured the sauce over it. I set it on the low table in front of the old sofa in the living room along with a pair of chopsticks. I was sure that Naruto wouldn't be too much longer.
~What will bring me home?
What will make me stay? Stay
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay? Stay
Well I don't know
I don't know who-ooh
I don't know
I don't know who-ooh~
(Naruto POV)
I stared at my reflection in the fogged mirror. I looked like shit. My eyes were blank, bruised bags laying beneath the glassy cerulean orbs, lips set in a grim line, dull blond locks tousled haphazardly, and a far too thin body. I wanted to gag, turning away from the person staring back at me from the mirror. I wondered idly how anyone could stand to see me like that. How could Sai stand me?
Sai... The very thought of him made me feel like I was betraying Sasuke, like somehow I was being unfaithful to him or something. It wasn't like I had done anything with Sai, but I still felt like I was doing something wrong. It was just so hard to be alone. Sai was there and Sasuke was not. What was I supposed to do? Sai took care of me, dressing my wounds, never complaining when I was being irrational or surly. He listened, but didn't judge; he didn't say a word. I think he understood more than he let on.
I didn't understand why he was always so willing to help me. I really didn't comprehend what he wanted in return. He hadn't asked for anything yet and I felt uneasy, like he was maybe just biding his time. We were too easily becoming used to the routine. I already knew what he would be doing when I went out to the living room. He'd have set out a meal for me and he'd be sitting on the couch with a comb in his hand waiting to brush the tangles out of my mussed hair. And he wouldn't say a thing. He'd just silently watch me while I ate the food he'd cooked and he'd tend to my hair while I was eating. Then, after I was finished, he'd put me to bed and tidy my apartment. He'd clean the dishes and write a list of groceries that I needed. I'd be asleep before he ever let himself out for the night, locking the door behind himself.
Then we would repeat it all over again the next day and the day after until something like a mission interrupted our routine. I knew that something had to give, I couldn't keep up the charade. It was like he was forcing me to fall in love with him, even if he didn't realize that he was doing it at all. I loved Sasuke; I couldn't afford to give my heart away again to someone else, loving one raven was enough. Sai was just making things more difficult for me, making me think about him constantly, wanting him and I was so close to betraying Sasuke. But the worst part of the whole ordeal was that I couldn't bring myself to push Sai away. I didn't want to be alone anymore and he never asked questions like the others would. He never lectured or yelled or told me how stupid I was for loving the cold bastard Uchiha, not that anyone else knew about him and I. Sai was so easy to be around, at least now that he had begun gaining emotions.
Kami knew how sorely I wanted to just throw caution to the wind and let Sai have Sasuke's place in my heart. Oh how I had begun to want the pale ANBU to make me forget the stupid Uchiha. I was beginning to wonder just what it would be like to be with Sai, to really be with him, to let him make love to me. Would he be rough and rushed like Sasuke had been? Would he fumble and push or would he be gentle or maybe detached? What would his kisses feel like on my flesh? What would my name sound like on his lips when he was inside of me?
I wanted to know the answers to the questions more and more as the time went by, time I spent with the quiet ANBU. The more time I spent in Sai's company, the more I wondered about it and desired it. I wanted him to do the things I thought about. I wanted him to kiss me and take me. Like right then, when he was putting me to bed, I wished that he'd lean in close and I'd pull him onto the bed with me, into the sheets that I'd once shared with the Uchiha and Kami, but I wanted to ask him to stay the night, to never leave me. But it just wasn't to be done.
I heaved a sigh, my exhausted body protesting even the slightest movements. My ribs ached dully, radiating pain through my side and chest, but the pain was already receding, the fox doing its job. My heart throbbed, but it was a pain that the fox could not relieve. I knew that it was awful for me to feel the way that I did then, wanting Sai to replace the man in my heart. I hadn't been with Sasuke in nearly four years and Sai was always around. How could I be expected to be in so much pain and emotional despair and survive? I needed something, someone to keep me alive and Sasuke was nowhere in sight.
I exhaled, letting the moist air out of my tired lungs completely and cleared my mind as best I could before exiting the bathroom. It was time to face Sai.
Sure enough, when I made my way into the small living room, he was right where I knew he'd be, sitting on the olive green sofa, staring at nothing, a brush dangling from his loose grip and there was a steaming bowl of food set out on the coffee table. The smell of it made my mouth water, but I stood still. Sai hadn't seemed to notice that I was there at first. I studied him briefly. The pale man sitting silently on my couch was such a mystery.
I'd often wondered what he had been like as a child. He'd always been in Konoha, but he'd never been at the academy, never in town. I'd never glimpsed him or met him before. I wondered if he had always been so quiet? Was he always without emotion? What were his parents like? How had he started drawing? There were so many things that I didn't know about him, but I wanted to. I wanted to know everything about him.
I shook my head , trying to clear the unfaithful thoughts from my mind. Why did it have to be so hard? Everything had become so complicated. I loved Sasuke, but I was falling for a whole other raven. And I was having an astonishingly difficult time stopping it from happening. I was like a drowning man. Why couldn't I have met Sai before Sasuke, fallen in love with him first?
Sai finally turned to gaze at me, his dark eyes so similar to another pair of eyes, peered at me warmly. I swallowed and moved awkwardly to sit next to him before sliding to the cool wood of the floor and picking up the bowl and chopsticks. Sai sidled up behind me, already reaching to brush the stubborn knots from my hair gently. I ate silently, enjoying the feel of his fingers in the messy blond strands. He didn't speak as usual. I smiled in spite of myself at the utter familiarity of the whole situation.
Then things changed, deviating from the usual routine. Sai's hands traveled from my head to my taught shoulders, massaging the tightness from them expertly. I let my head lull back against his crossed legs, the soft skin rubbing against my neck. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to relax for once.
After a few moments of quiet, there was an unexpected and entirely too pleasant pressure on my lips. My eyes shot open, meeting with the sight of Sai hovering above me, his pale pink lips just centimeters from my own. I knew instantly what the pressure had been. I moved more reluctantly than I cared to admit.
I stood up as though I was moving in slow motion and tried to stare at him incredulously. He just stared right back, waiting for me to speak, offering me no explanation for what he'd just done. I breathed several deep breaths before I could get my mouth to work properly, words eluding my tongue.
“You-You kissed me!” I finally managed to spit out rather lamely. Sai was so graceful and so quick as he came to stand in front of me.
“Yes,” he agreed in his ever calm voice. I gaped at him. He moved closer and for some reason, I did not step back away from his approach. His hand reached for me, his fingertips soft on my jaw. “And I am going to do so again,” he informed me as he closed what little distance remained between us.
My eyes closed of their own accord as he joined our lips once more, his hands pulling me in closer, my body flush against his. And he smelled so good and he tasted like snow and danger all at once. And I wanted him more than I had wanted anything in a long, long while.
And my mind was telling me to say 'no', to shove him away and tell him we couldn't. 'What about Sasuke?' a little voice in the back of my mind was asking. My body heated to the pale ANBU's touch, but my head screamed that I was betraying the one I loved. The Uchiha had been the only one in my heart for so long, but Sai had somehow managed to push his way in whether I had wanted him to or not.
~Everything in my body says, “Not tonight”
Everything in my body says, “No”
Everything in my body says, “Not tonight”
Everything in my body says, “No”~
Tears welled up behind my closed eyelids, salty liquid clinging to my eyelashes as my arms wound around Sai's slim neck. I was so very lonely and my heart ached so awfully and my body burned with want. Human contact had always been a desire I was denied as a child and even as a teenager, but there was Sai, ready and willing to touch me, no disgust in his eyes or his movements and I wasn't going to stop him, my body craving what it had been deprived for more than half of my life. I knew I was being unfaithful to Sasuke. I'd promised myself that I would wait for him to return, but I just couldn't help, but want Sai. I let him kiss me and I opened my mouth to him.
We ended up in my bedroom on the large bed (one luxury I had allowed myself) before I knew what had occurred and my shirt had disappeared as if I hadn't even been wearing one. Everything was so warm. It felt so wonderful after I'd been cold for so very long. I cried, but I couldn't stop. I wanted what Sai was offering. I needed to be alive again. I needed to be free, to breathe easy for just a little while. Sai pressed me to the navy blue sheets eagerly, his too soft lips on my jawline, my neck, my collarbone and I sobbed.
Then as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped. Sai was gone, standing at least a foot away from the bed and me. I looked at him in confused hurt. I didn't understand what he was doing, why he was leaving me. “Naruto, I-I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again,” he apologized, his normally white cheeks reddened with embarrassment and his voice was so low that I could barely hear his words, his ebony eyes downcast. Then he was turning away as if to leave, his hand already reaching for the handle of the door. Then it struck me; he was going to leave, just like Sasuke had left me.
The look of honest lust and obvious love in his onyx irises killed me and before I could stop myself, I was pulling him by his slim wrist right back into the bed with me. Then we were kissing once again. His mouth was so hot and so soft and his kisses so filled with emotion, more than any he had ever shown before and I thought that I might drown in them.
And I was reminded that he was not Sasuke, could never be the Uchiha and I didn't want him to be, never wanted him to be. Sai was so gentle and calm, like water. He kissed every bit of my tanned skin that he could reach and he undressed me as though I might have been made of porcelain. His hands whispered over my exposed flesh like he was afraid to touch me for fear of shattering me as his tongue trailed languidly over my chest and then my abdomen, dipping into my navel before moving on to more intimate areas.
His mouth on my penis made me jolt in shock. It had been a lengthy period since it had last been touched at all. I hadn't even masturbated in months. I didn't even notice when he lost his own clothing, my mind too fogged with lust and pleasure to really pay much attention to the finer details. I didn't remember later where the oil had come from or when I started moaning for him. I didn't recall when his fingers entered me for the first time or how long it took to stretch me. I vaguely remembered the soft encouragement from him as he thrust them in and out, but that was about all.
And then it came time for the real thing. Sai was a lover and it couldn't be just sex with him, could never be just meaningless sex between us. I knew it and he knew it. Things could never be the same once he had been inside me. The routine would be broken and a new one started. I knew that he wouldn't be able to let me go. And I didn't think that I could let him go either.
And he was whispering to me desperately, asking me permission, giving me a chance to back out, knowing full well what would happen if we went through with it. And I pleaded for it, for him to take me, use me, love me. And he was so careful when he pushed inside, filling me and it was all heat. I cried just like I had the first time and I gasped, wanting him. He breathed heavily, quiet as always, so dependable and predictable. And it was bliss.
Sai waited an eternity to move in me, letting me get used to the feel of him. He didn't complain when I left marks on his back and he didn't swear or tell me how tight I was. He just breathed and watched me, keeping as much of his weight off of me as possible. He was so considerate. It was funny to think that only a year ago, he had been such an asshole. I smiled at him genuinely and he smiled back before thrusting, our eyes locked.
Making love with Sai was nothing like making love with Sasuke. Sai was gentle and intense, Sasuke was eager and passionate. Sai was water and Sasuke was fire and it suited them each so well. I came with a shameful cry and Sai wasn't far behind with a nearly inaudible exhale of my name upon his lips. After, sleep was inevitable, our limbs too tired for motion and our eyes too heavy to keep from closing. Sai was around me, his scent on me and his taste in my mouth. And for once Sasuke was forgotten. The morning after held the promise of being the most pleasant and difficult morning I'd had in a very long while, but wasn't waking up in the warmth of someone's arms worth it?
~What will bring me home
What will make me stay, stay
What will bring me home
What will make me stay, stay
Well I don't know
I don't know who-ooh
I don't know
I don't know who-ooh~
TBC...
Hope you all enjoyed. Guess who comes back in the next installment... >.<