Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Bringing Life to the Fox ❯ Two: The Ruining of the Raven ( Chapter 2 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Xander B 
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 03.13.2009 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.4K | Visits: 371 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 03.13.2009 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.4K | Visits: 371 | Status: Completed
Bringing Life to the Fox
Two: The Ruining of the Raven
Pairings: Sasuke/Naruto, Sai/Naruto
Warnings: Lemon, yaoi, swearing, angst, violence, some oocness, waff, etc. Don't like, then why are you still reading?
~Lyrics~ > Song called “My World” by Sr-71
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Naruto stopped searching after that first night in Sai's arms. Sasuke became nothing more than a faded memory and even when Jaraiya brought word and even after the Toad Sannin's death when ANBU reports came of Itachi's death by his younger brother's hands, Naruto remained unmoved. Sai was his everything now. He became set in his belief that Sasuke would never be returning, not to the village and not to him. In fact, he wasn't even sure he would want Sasuke to return now after so long, after he'd finally given up on him.
His days were filled with new missions and free time spent with friends and his nights were spent in the arms of the deadly ANBU turned team seven member. The others never really seemed to ask or even notice the changes in him, or perhaps they did, but they didn't mention it, happy to have Naruto back to his old self once more. Even Sakura had given up on Sasuke, finally giving Lee his chance to woo her, and woo her he did. Through the mere four months that Naruto and Sai nurtured their newly founded relationship, Sasuke seemed to fade from everyone's mind, almost like he had never existed at all, as if Sai had always been in his place and the space that Sasuke had once occupied was filled with someone new. And then the day came when that new, peaceful world crashed down around them all; the day that Sasuke returned.
~The fastest man in the world, fast asleep at the wheel
Nobody wants to be alone, so how did I get here?
When I look at you, I see him staring through
Awake and a smile, 'cause he's been inside of you
Is he all the things you tried to change me into?
Is he everything to you?~
(Sasuke POV)
The streets were quiet, dead really. They were deserted, not even the merchants had woken yet to prepare their goods for sale. I walked, shuffled through the dusty roads, so different from the ones I remembered. Had it really been so long since then?
It was really so odd to be back again. It was as if I had never been here before, as if it wasn't the place of my birth, as if it was someone else's entirely, but I knew that it was still mine whether I felt it or not. I sighed as I pocketed my hands and the sun breached the horizon. Konoha was sure to come alive with the rising of the golden orb. And still I wandered. I knew where I wanted to go and I knew that if I stopped thinking, my feet would carry me right to that very place, the place where he was. I was certain he still lived there.
I'd returned only the night before and just now had I been allowed the freedom to seek him out. No one had mentioned him or them to me. No one had said a word about any of them, like there was some secret they were keeping from me and I wondered why that was. Had they forgotten that I had been their teammate, their friend? Didn't they think I deserved to know what had become of them? Or had I lost that privilege the day that I had left? Was that how these things worked? I shook my head; it was too lonely to think so morbidly.
It had been so long and I was so alone, not even my wayward brother still breathed to hold me to my place. Something needed to anchor me, to keep me still and I knew he could be that. He had always been there before, always smiling and laughing and touching. He had always been in my face and under my skin, then in my arms and on my lips and in my head. He'd been dangerous at the time it had begun, but things were different now, weren't they? We were older now and the world was different. The enemy was more or less annihilated. Didn't that mean we could be as we had been so far in the past? Didn't that mean we could be together? Couldn't we at least start again?
And his house wasn't so far from where I was walking and just a turn and a few more minutes wandering and I could see those sparkling eyes and that smile. And I'd know that everything was fine again. And it would be fine again, wouldn't it?
I didn't bother with the door, knowing he wouldn't even be stirring so early in the day and it would be better to surprise him anyways. I crept to the familiar sill of his window, the same curtains hanging there and the same potted plant perched where it had been years before, but it was different too. A lone sunflower was standing proudly from within the obviously new earth inside the old pot. It wasn't the same plant that had once inhabited the pot. It had once held a tomato plant, one I had gotten him. It was strange. Had the plant I'd given him died then? Or had he replaced it?
And then I looked inside and found that the plant was not the only thing he had replaced. There he was, beautiful and golden and so much older than I remembered. So different and graceful and completely gorgeous. He was moving, his head flung back in a wicked arch, sweat glistening on his bare skin and pale arms not so different from my own were guiding him. I swallowed, transfixed even as I felt my stomach dropping. And there he was, the one sent to replace me in my team, so had he replaced me in Naruto's life and in his bed. I couldn't tear my eyes away as the blond leaned down from his seated position in the ANBU's lap and he kissed him. I never dreamed it would be him. I never thought Naruto could lie to me, that he could let someone take my place.
I stayed until it ended, panting and sweating and moaning, I was sure. I needed to see, needed to know. Was it just this? Was there more? Had he really stolen my fox? And when they kissed again and the alabaster arms wrapped tightly around a heaving chest to pull him in close for sleep, I knew that it was so. I had been replaced, forgotten and removed.
And I was angry, so much so that I knocked the potted sunflower from the window sill and stormed away, disappearing in a dark puff of smoke. How could he do something like this? He'd promised, sworn that he would never forget, he'd wait for me until the end of time. Was that all a lie, an intricately woven web? I felt sick, betrayed, torn. It was never what I had expected from him. He, who had searched for me so long and had tried so hard to make me see what I now knew to be true. He'd said that revenge would solve nothing and he had been right after all. Killing Itachi had been a waste, especially once I had torn the conspiracies of my world wide open. I'd killed my first innocent and I had no doubt that the sick feeling would never leave the pit of my stomach. And to bear my name, Uchiha, was an embarrassment, a disgrace, but none of them knew that; he certainly didn't know that.
I was angry enough to throw things, furniture and glassware falling victim to my jealous rage. How dare that poorly fabricated version of me take what was rightfully mine?! How dare he act as though he deserved something as precious as my Naruto?! I didn't know how to accept what I'd seen, how to cope with what was now ordinary. I didn't know how long they had been together, how long ago Naruto had forgotten me. I didn't know who had started it or how serious it was, but it didn't matter, not really, because it didn't change the fact that he wasn't with me. And that was just not okay with me. I had to have him back.
~Does he make you high, make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you
I can still find the smell
On my clothes and skin
I can still see your face, when you're sleeping next to him
Is he all the things you, tried to change me into?
Tell me does he…~
In my home, I tore through closets filled with clothing that had been meant for me when I was still just a preteen, throwing the useless garments around recklessly. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just venting my frustration on the helpless items I had kept in my house when I was barely thirteen. It was all a waste anyways, useless to me now. The pictures, scrolls, books, clothes, drawings he'd given me, gifts he'd made or bought for me for one occasion or another. It was all worthless. He wasn't with me. None of it mattered at all, not anymore.
Tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision as I pulled the last articles from the dark recesses of the over-sized closet. I stopped abruptly, a folded, torn navy-colored shirt caught my attention. Wiping at my watering eyes with the back of one hand, I tried to focus on the item. It was the one I had been wearing when we had fought against that transvestite and the bandaged guy. I didn't care to remember their names. It wasn't important. There had been only one part of that memory that held any importance at all and that was the feel of Naruto's arms around me, his tears moistening my shirt.
I buried my face in the ruined material of the shirt, the smell of rain and him filling my nostrils. The scent was spicy and intoxicating mixing with the cooler remnants of the odor of rain. I don't know how long I knelt there, breathing in the smell of him from a shirt I hadn't seen let alone been able to fit into in years. It was sickeningly pathetic, but I couldn't stop myself. Thank Kami Orochimaru had never realized my weakness for the blond demon vessel. I would never have been able to refuse anything if he had threatened the other boy.
I sighed and rubbed my face with both hands letting the shirt fall into my lap. I had no idea what to do or how to possibly begin winning him back. We didn't even know each other anymore. There was so much to tell him and I was sure that much had taken place here as well. I was certain he'd have news for me, but I had never expected it to be that he had found someone else. Would he even tell me that much? Or would he pretend like it wasn't happening? I didn't know if I wanted to hear it either way. I didn't even know if I would be able to look at him without seeing the other pale man to whom he now belonged.
I tucked the shirt under my pillow and threw most of the articles into a large box before heaving it into an empty room, one of many that the house had. If I wanted, I would never have to look at the box again. I wasn't sure yet whether I ever would look at it again or not. It didn't matter all that much anyways. I went to prepare plans for winning back the love of my life.
~ Does he make you high, make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you~
I spent a lot of time observing them, avoiding everyone as much as I could. I didn't want to speak with anyone but him and yet I was afraid to hear what he might have to say to me. So I avoided all of them, but I watched him, seeing how he was with them and him, the other who had taken my place. I could feel the envy, the bitter jealousy boiling through my veins bringing out the sharingan too easily for my liking. Naruto was happy with him, that much was clear and it hurt to see him happy with someone other than me. He was supposed to wake up next to me and walk with me to Ichiraku's and laugh at my disgusted expressions when he ate ten plus bowls of ramen. He wasn't supposed to look at someone else the way he had looked at me; he wasn't supposed to hold anyone else's hand or kiss anyone else's lips. It was supposed to be me. It had always been me.
I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, Naruto had been lonely enough to seek the comfort of another and then I feel guilt wash over me because if that is the case, the sole reason that he is with the other raven-haired shinobi, then it is my own fault. I was the one who couldn't change, who couldn't give up the desire for revenge on a brother who I couldn't understand. I was the one who went and made myself a missing nin for years, traveling around with perverts and murderers. And he had tried. He had tried so hard to convince me not to go, to change, to give up the lost cause. I had been the one to refuse him, to hurt him and leave him behind.
I know now that he had only meant to be with me. If I had only offered to bring him with me, he would still be with me now. If I hadn't been so selfish, so spoiled, he would never have had the chance to betray me. Did that mean that I was actually the one who had betrayed him? That wasn't right. He had promised to wait for me after all and he hadn't kept his word. I had kept mine, never talking on another, always thinking of him, remembering the taste of him, the scent of his skin, the sound of his voice, the color of his eyes in the sunshine. I had waited years to return to him. Had it been too much for him?
~ I've had enough of fears, you let them out
Now I wrap myself around you
Like a blanket full of doubt
The darkness grows!
The sunlight stings!
He's your everything
Does he make you high, make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you~
I'd had enough by the end of the month. I couldn't bring myself to leave my house, not unless it was absolutely necessary. I stopped eating as often and I didn't go out into the yard on the off chance that I might have to see the two of them together. I had convinced myself that it was hopeless. They were so happy together and Naruto had hardly even made the effort to see me. He'd only come around twice at which point I hid and refused to answer the door. It was cowardly and pathetic, not to mention utterly immature, but I couldn't see him. I couldn't see the warmth in his eyes and know that it wasn't for me.
And so I hid, shying away from the sunlight that reminded me of him and my nights were filled with memories, dreams of him, his eyes, his flesh, his hair. And nightmares, the ones where it wasn't me that held him, where he laughed at me and called me pathetic. I wanted my Naruto back. I needed him. It was so dark in my head without him, so quiet and lonely. And my bed was so cold that I slept on the couch in my living room, using the navy blue shirt as a security blanket.
It didn't help that I was still under investigation and wouldn't be allowed back to shinobi status for another two months. All I had was time; time to think of him, to see them together, to remember what I had given up, to know that he wasn't mine anymore. It was destroying me. I couldn't sleep or eat by the end of the month. I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't even get up most days. It was disgusting and I didn't know how to stop. The dark pit that I had dug for myself was so comfortable and I was incapable of escaping it. And all because He had made someone else the center of his universe.
I was hardly more than a blip on his radar nowadays, not that I was doing a good job of making myself more than that. I was too scared to hear what he might have to say and at the same time I desperately wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear his voice, bask in the richness of it. It was borderlining on obsession. All I thought about was him. If I thought about the way they were together, i pissed myself off, and I'd ruin things; my walls, my clothes, my dishware, picture frames, the mirrors in the bathrooms, the cupboards in the kitchen, and the electrical devices. All of them had fallen victim to my seething jealousy and growing bitterness.
And then if I thought about who to blame and come back with the same answer every time; myself, the guilt was all encompassing. I would feel sick thinking about it, knowing that I had killed it, what we had shared. I had obliterated it beyond repair. I'd removed him from my life, but expected him to wait for me to decide to return to him and pull him back into my life once again. I had expected him to wait years!
If he had done something like that to me, I couldn't say honestly whether or not I wouldn't have done the same as what he had done. It was a way to live, to move on. Everyone needed comfort and relief. Everyone needed to vent and where was I when he needed me?
And then the anger would surface again, thinking about the promises he had made, knowing that I had actually kept mine and he hadn't. And then he came around again. I hid, but it didn't matter because I wasn't the only one fed up. He broke into my house, tore the door right off really. And I was there, just standing there, my hair greasy and flat and wearing the same clothes I'd had on for the past three days. Broken shards of plates and glasses swept haphazardly into corners and shredded papers and furniture debris were strewn about and I was embarrassed.
His eyes were angry and wide as he took in my appearance and the ruins of my home. He looked disgusted for a moment and I could see his fists clenching, his eyes bleeding to violet , maroon, and then finally red. And then he opened his mouth and everything became slow, time moving sluggishly as I heard him speaking.
“You've been avoiding me teme.”
~You make me high! You make me real!
You make me cry! Now you know the way I feel
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you ~
He was more than angry. He was furious. I didn't reply to him and when it appeared that I was almost ignoring him, he moved, stalking closer to me and shoving me hard against a wall, making dust fall from the already cracked drywall. I merely swallowed. He was so close to me. I couldn't stop glancing at his lips. They were just as rosy as I remembered and they were oh so tempting and what I wouldn't give to have kissed him. And so I did.
My arms pulled at him, crushing our chests against one another. When did he get so muscular? And it felt like coming home until he punched me right in the jaw making my vision double and gray on the sides. I nearly lost my footing, but leaned back against the wall behind me instead. He glared at me and I stared at him. His face was flushed. He'd liked it. I knew by the glint in his eyes, but he had shoved me away. Was he so faithful to the other?
He wiped his lips roughly with the back of his hand and watched me. I wanted to kiss him again. “Don't,” He warned dangerously as I took a few stumbling steps forwards towards him.
“Why not? Is it because of him?” I asked bitterly, my mind returning with his simple command.
“You- You know?” he looked confused and a little guilty and I felt a swell of bitter pride at making him hurt.
“Of course I know usuratonkachi. I SAW the two of you,” I spat venomously, the memory of it still fresh in my mind even after a month.
“When?” he looked so bewildered as if I'd just struck him. His shoulders slumped and his head bowed.
“When I first returned, when I went to see the only person who still mattered to me, the one I had waited for, the one I had come back for. And what should I see, but my lover in the lap of another, riding him like some kind of whore in heat. You didn't even sense me there outside your window, at least some things never change. You're still a piss poor shinobi, ne dobe?” I looked away from him then, tears burning in my eyes. I was being awful, I knew, but I couldn't stop the poison that throbbed on my tongue. I was so upset, so bitter and afraid. And every bit of what I feared was coming true. He'd really replaced me.
He slapped me then, my head jerking to the side with impact. He didn't punch me, but slapped me. I blinked several times before looking back at him. His cheeks were wet and his eyes were hard, but glassy with tears that he seemed to be holding back forcefully.
“How dare you?! You-- You think you can just come back here after what, five years?! You just assume you can waltz back into my life and pick up where we left off?! You fucking inconsiderate, spoiled prick! You have no idea what it was like!” The pitch of his voice got higher with every word he yelled and I shrank back into the wall further and further, feeling the guilt churning in the bottom of my stomach.
“You don't know either dobe. You are everything to me. All I thought of was you. You are the only thing that matters to me anymore. I was mistaken to leave you. I was so tired and the thought of being with you again was what brought me back to Konoha in the first place. Only you, dobe, only you,” I managed to choke out as tears fell. I hadn't meant to let them out, but it was too much, remembering all the things I'd done, killing my brother who's only crime was protecting his village and roaming around with a pack of killers, plotting revenge. I sickened myself.
“You're selfish and you lie! You never thought of me. All you ever thought of was you. Your revenge, your power, your rage, your love, your feelings, you, you, YOU! Never me.”
And it was true.
TBC...
so there it is for the second installment. I am so sorry for the monumental delay, but I have had a billion things going on. Between work and university, I have been swamped and every time I do have a bit of free time, I am too dead to even attempt to write. I have final;ly managed to work myself up to writing this chapter and I will be updating some other fics as well, probably my Gundam Wing fic “Wayward Souls” and possibly “Time is All We Need.”
Anyways, please feed the review demon on your way out. It is rather ravenous and I would love to know how everyone likes the ficcy so far. Actually I want to know who you think Naruto should end up with. I love Sai and Sasuke equally and it is so hard to write this fic because I want them all to be happy, but I don't want them to be with other characters... I am so picky and indecisive, so any feedback would be appreciated. I am your slave.
Ja!
Two: The Ruining of the Raven
Pairings: Sasuke/Naruto, Sai/Naruto
Warnings: Lemon, yaoi, swearing, angst, violence, some oocness, waff, etc. Don't like, then why are you still reading?
~Lyrics~ > Song called “My World” by Sr-71
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Naruto stopped searching after that first night in Sai's arms. Sasuke became nothing more than a faded memory and even when Jaraiya brought word and even after the Toad Sannin's death when ANBU reports came of Itachi's death by his younger brother's hands, Naruto remained unmoved. Sai was his everything now. He became set in his belief that Sasuke would never be returning, not to the village and not to him. In fact, he wasn't even sure he would want Sasuke to return now after so long, after he'd finally given up on him.
His days were filled with new missions and free time spent with friends and his nights were spent in the arms of the deadly ANBU turned team seven member. The others never really seemed to ask or even notice the changes in him, or perhaps they did, but they didn't mention it, happy to have Naruto back to his old self once more. Even Sakura had given up on Sasuke, finally giving Lee his chance to woo her, and woo her he did. Through the mere four months that Naruto and Sai nurtured their newly founded relationship, Sasuke seemed to fade from everyone's mind, almost like he had never existed at all, as if Sai had always been in his place and the space that Sasuke had once occupied was filled with someone new. And then the day came when that new, peaceful world crashed down around them all; the day that Sasuke returned.
~The fastest man in the world, fast asleep at the wheel
Nobody wants to be alone, so how did I get here?
When I look at you, I see him staring through
Awake and a smile, 'cause he's been inside of you
Is he all the things you tried to change me into?
Is he everything to you?~
(Sasuke POV)
The streets were quiet, dead really. They were deserted, not even the merchants had woken yet to prepare their goods for sale. I walked, shuffled through the dusty roads, so different from the ones I remembered. Had it really been so long since then?
It was really so odd to be back again. It was as if I had never been here before, as if it wasn't the place of my birth, as if it was someone else's entirely, but I knew that it was still mine whether I felt it or not. I sighed as I pocketed my hands and the sun breached the horizon. Konoha was sure to come alive with the rising of the golden orb. And still I wandered. I knew where I wanted to go and I knew that if I stopped thinking, my feet would carry me right to that very place, the place where he was. I was certain he still lived there.
I'd returned only the night before and just now had I been allowed the freedom to seek him out. No one had mentioned him or them to me. No one had said a word about any of them, like there was some secret they were keeping from me and I wondered why that was. Had they forgotten that I had been their teammate, their friend? Didn't they think I deserved to know what had become of them? Or had I lost that privilege the day that I had left? Was that how these things worked? I shook my head; it was too lonely to think so morbidly.
It had been so long and I was so alone, not even my wayward brother still breathed to hold me to my place. Something needed to anchor me, to keep me still and I knew he could be that. He had always been there before, always smiling and laughing and touching. He had always been in my face and under my skin, then in my arms and on my lips and in my head. He'd been dangerous at the time it had begun, but things were different now, weren't they? We were older now and the world was different. The enemy was more or less annihilated. Didn't that mean we could be as we had been so far in the past? Didn't that mean we could be together? Couldn't we at least start again?
And his house wasn't so far from where I was walking and just a turn and a few more minutes wandering and I could see those sparkling eyes and that smile. And I'd know that everything was fine again. And it would be fine again, wouldn't it?
I didn't bother with the door, knowing he wouldn't even be stirring so early in the day and it would be better to surprise him anyways. I crept to the familiar sill of his window, the same curtains hanging there and the same potted plant perched where it had been years before, but it was different too. A lone sunflower was standing proudly from within the obviously new earth inside the old pot. It wasn't the same plant that had once inhabited the pot. It had once held a tomato plant, one I had gotten him. It was strange. Had the plant I'd given him died then? Or had he replaced it?
And then I looked inside and found that the plant was not the only thing he had replaced. There he was, beautiful and golden and so much older than I remembered. So different and graceful and completely gorgeous. He was moving, his head flung back in a wicked arch, sweat glistening on his bare skin and pale arms not so different from my own were guiding him. I swallowed, transfixed even as I felt my stomach dropping. And there he was, the one sent to replace me in my team, so had he replaced me in Naruto's life and in his bed. I couldn't tear my eyes away as the blond leaned down from his seated position in the ANBU's lap and he kissed him. I never dreamed it would be him. I never thought Naruto could lie to me, that he could let someone take my place.
I stayed until it ended, panting and sweating and moaning, I was sure. I needed to see, needed to know. Was it just this? Was there more? Had he really stolen my fox? And when they kissed again and the alabaster arms wrapped tightly around a heaving chest to pull him in close for sleep, I knew that it was so. I had been replaced, forgotten and removed.
And I was angry, so much so that I knocked the potted sunflower from the window sill and stormed away, disappearing in a dark puff of smoke. How could he do something like this? He'd promised, sworn that he would never forget, he'd wait for me until the end of time. Was that all a lie, an intricately woven web? I felt sick, betrayed, torn. It was never what I had expected from him. He, who had searched for me so long and had tried so hard to make me see what I now knew to be true. He'd said that revenge would solve nothing and he had been right after all. Killing Itachi had been a waste, especially once I had torn the conspiracies of my world wide open. I'd killed my first innocent and I had no doubt that the sick feeling would never leave the pit of my stomach. And to bear my name, Uchiha, was an embarrassment, a disgrace, but none of them knew that; he certainly didn't know that.
I was angry enough to throw things, furniture and glassware falling victim to my jealous rage. How dare that poorly fabricated version of me take what was rightfully mine?! How dare he act as though he deserved something as precious as my Naruto?! I didn't know how to accept what I'd seen, how to cope with what was now ordinary. I didn't know how long they had been together, how long ago Naruto had forgotten me. I didn't know who had started it or how serious it was, but it didn't matter, not really, because it didn't change the fact that he wasn't with me. And that was just not okay with me. I had to have him back.
~Does he make you high, make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you
I can still find the smell
On my clothes and skin
I can still see your face, when you're sleeping next to him
Is he all the things you, tried to change me into?
Tell me does he…~
In my home, I tore through closets filled with clothing that had been meant for me when I was still just a preteen, throwing the useless garments around recklessly. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just venting my frustration on the helpless items I had kept in my house when I was barely thirteen. It was all a waste anyways, useless to me now. The pictures, scrolls, books, clothes, drawings he'd given me, gifts he'd made or bought for me for one occasion or another. It was all worthless. He wasn't with me. None of it mattered at all, not anymore.
Tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision as I pulled the last articles from the dark recesses of the over-sized closet. I stopped abruptly, a folded, torn navy-colored shirt caught my attention. Wiping at my watering eyes with the back of one hand, I tried to focus on the item. It was the one I had been wearing when we had fought against that transvestite and the bandaged guy. I didn't care to remember their names. It wasn't important. There had been only one part of that memory that held any importance at all and that was the feel of Naruto's arms around me, his tears moistening my shirt.
I buried my face in the ruined material of the shirt, the smell of rain and him filling my nostrils. The scent was spicy and intoxicating mixing with the cooler remnants of the odor of rain. I don't know how long I knelt there, breathing in the smell of him from a shirt I hadn't seen let alone been able to fit into in years. It was sickeningly pathetic, but I couldn't stop myself. Thank Kami Orochimaru had never realized my weakness for the blond demon vessel. I would never have been able to refuse anything if he had threatened the other boy.
I sighed and rubbed my face with both hands letting the shirt fall into my lap. I had no idea what to do or how to possibly begin winning him back. We didn't even know each other anymore. There was so much to tell him and I was sure that much had taken place here as well. I was certain he'd have news for me, but I had never expected it to be that he had found someone else. Would he even tell me that much? Or would he pretend like it wasn't happening? I didn't know if I wanted to hear it either way. I didn't even know if I would be able to look at him without seeing the other pale man to whom he now belonged.
I tucked the shirt under my pillow and threw most of the articles into a large box before heaving it into an empty room, one of many that the house had. If I wanted, I would never have to look at the box again. I wasn't sure yet whether I ever would look at it again or not. It didn't matter all that much anyways. I went to prepare plans for winning back the love of my life.
~ Does he make you high, make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you~
I spent a lot of time observing them, avoiding everyone as much as I could. I didn't want to speak with anyone but him and yet I was afraid to hear what he might have to say to me. So I avoided all of them, but I watched him, seeing how he was with them and him, the other who had taken my place. I could feel the envy, the bitter jealousy boiling through my veins bringing out the sharingan too easily for my liking. Naruto was happy with him, that much was clear and it hurt to see him happy with someone other than me. He was supposed to wake up next to me and walk with me to Ichiraku's and laugh at my disgusted expressions when he ate ten plus bowls of ramen. He wasn't supposed to look at someone else the way he had looked at me; he wasn't supposed to hold anyone else's hand or kiss anyone else's lips. It was supposed to be me. It had always been me.
I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, Naruto had been lonely enough to seek the comfort of another and then I feel guilt wash over me because if that is the case, the sole reason that he is with the other raven-haired shinobi, then it is my own fault. I was the one who couldn't change, who couldn't give up the desire for revenge on a brother who I couldn't understand. I was the one who went and made myself a missing nin for years, traveling around with perverts and murderers. And he had tried. He had tried so hard to convince me not to go, to change, to give up the lost cause. I had been the one to refuse him, to hurt him and leave him behind.
I know now that he had only meant to be with me. If I had only offered to bring him with me, he would still be with me now. If I hadn't been so selfish, so spoiled, he would never have had the chance to betray me. Did that mean that I was actually the one who had betrayed him? That wasn't right. He had promised to wait for me after all and he hadn't kept his word. I had kept mine, never talking on another, always thinking of him, remembering the taste of him, the scent of his skin, the sound of his voice, the color of his eyes in the sunshine. I had waited years to return to him. Had it been too much for him?
~ I've had enough of fears, you let them out
Now I wrap myself around you
Like a blanket full of doubt
The darkness grows!
The sunlight stings!
He's your everything
Does he make you high, make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you~
I'd had enough by the end of the month. I couldn't bring myself to leave my house, not unless it was absolutely necessary. I stopped eating as often and I didn't go out into the yard on the off chance that I might have to see the two of them together. I had convinced myself that it was hopeless. They were so happy together and Naruto had hardly even made the effort to see me. He'd only come around twice at which point I hid and refused to answer the door. It was cowardly and pathetic, not to mention utterly immature, but I couldn't see him. I couldn't see the warmth in his eyes and know that it wasn't for me.
And so I hid, shying away from the sunlight that reminded me of him and my nights were filled with memories, dreams of him, his eyes, his flesh, his hair. And nightmares, the ones where it wasn't me that held him, where he laughed at me and called me pathetic. I wanted my Naruto back. I needed him. It was so dark in my head without him, so quiet and lonely. And my bed was so cold that I slept on the couch in my living room, using the navy blue shirt as a security blanket.
It didn't help that I was still under investigation and wouldn't be allowed back to shinobi status for another two months. All I had was time; time to think of him, to see them together, to remember what I had given up, to know that he wasn't mine anymore. It was destroying me. I couldn't sleep or eat by the end of the month. I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't even get up most days. It was disgusting and I didn't know how to stop. The dark pit that I had dug for myself was so comfortable and I was incapable of escaping it. And all because He had made someone else the center of his universe.
I was hardly more than a blip on his radar nowadays, not that I was doing a good job of making myself more than that. I was too scared to hear what he might have to say and at the same time I desperately wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear his voice, bask in the richness of it. It was borderlining on obsession. All I thought about was him. If I thought about the way they were together, i pissed myself off, and I'd ruin things; my walls, my clothes, my dishware, picture frames, the mirrors in the bathrooms, the cupboards in the kitchen, and the electrical devices. All of them had fallen victim to my seething jealousy and growing bitterness.
And then if I thought about who to blame and come back with the same answer every time; myself, the guilt was all encompassing. I would feel sick thinking about it, knowing that I had killed it, what we had shared. I had obliterated it beyond repair. I'd removed him from my life, but expected him to wait for me to decide to return to him and pull him back into my life once again. I had expected him to wait years!
If he had done something like that to me, I couldn't say honestly whether or not I wouldn't have done the same as what he had done. It was a way to live, to move on. Everyone needed comfort and relief. Everyone needed to vent and where was I when he needed me?
And then the anger would surface again, thinking about the promises he had made, knowing that I had actually kept mine and he hadn't. And then he came around again. I hid, but it didn't matter because I wasn't the only one fed up. He broke into my house, tore the door right off really. And I was there, just standing there, my hair greasy and flat and wearing the same clothes I'd had on for the past three days. Broken shards of plates and glasses swept haphazardly into corners and shredded papers and furniture debris were strewn about and I was embarrassed.
His eyes were angry and wide as he took in my appearance and the ruins of my home. He looked disgusted for a moment and I could see his fists clenching, his eyes bleeding to violet , maroon, and then finally red. And then he opened his mouth and everything became slow, time moving sluggishly as I heard him speaking.
“You've been avoiding me teme.”
~You make me high! You make me real!
You make me cry! Now you know the way I feel
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you ~
He was more than angry. He was furious. I didn't reply to him and when it appeared that I was almost ignoring him, he moved, stalking closer to me and shoving me hard against a wall, making dust fall from the already cracked drywall. I merely swallowed. He was so close to me. I couldn't stop glancing at his lips. They were just as rosy as I remembered and they were oh so tempting and what I wouldn't give to have kissed him. And so I did.
My arms pulled at him, crushing our chests against one another. When did he get so muscular? And it felt like coming home until he punched me right in the jaw making my vision double and gray on the sides. I nearly lost my footing, but leaned back against the wall behind me instead. He glared at me and I stared at him. His face was flushed. He'd liked it. I knew by the glint in his eyes, but he had shoved me away. Was he so faithful to the other?
He wiped his lips roughly with the back of his hand and watched me. I wanted to kiss him again. “Don't,” He warned dangerously as I took a few stumbling steps forwards towards him.
“Why not? Is it because of him?” I asked bitterly, my mind returning with his simple command.
“You- You know?” he looked confused and a little guilty and I felt a swell of bitter pride at making him hurt.
“Of course I know usuratonkachi. I SAW the two of you,” I spat venomously, the memory of it still fresh in my mind even after a month.
“When?” he looked so bewildered as if I'd just struck him. His shoulders slumped and his head bowed.
“When I first returned, when I went to see the only person who still mattered to me, the one I had waited for, the one I had come back for. And what should I see, but my lover in the lap of another, riding him like some kind of whore in heat. You didn't even sense me there outside your window, at least some things never change. You're still a piss poor shinobi, ne dobe?” I looked away from him then, tears burning in my eyes. I was being awful, I knew, but I couldn't stop the poison that throbbed on my tongue. I was so upset, so bitter and afraid. And every bit of what I feared was coming true. He'd really replaced me.
He slapped me then, my head jerking to the side with impact. He didn't punch me, but slapped me. I blinked several times before looking back at him. His cheeks were wet and his eyes were hard, but glassy with tears that he seemed to be holding back forcefully.
“How dare you?! You-- You think you can just come back here after what, five years?! You just assume you can waltz back into my life and pick up where we left off?! You fucking inconsiderate, spoiled prick! You have no idea what it was like!” The pitch of his voice got higher with every word he yelled and I shrank back into the wall further and further, feeling the guilt churning in the bottom of my stomach.
“You don't know either dobe. You are everything to me. All I thought of was you. You are the only thing that matters to me anymore. I was mistaken to leave you. I was so tired and the thought of being with you again was what brought me back to Konoha in the first place. Only you, dobe, only you,” I managed to choke out as tears fell. I hadn't meant to let them out, but it was too much, remembering all the things I'd done, killing my brother who's only crime was protecting his village and roaming around with a pack of killers, plotting revenge. I sickened myself.
“You're selfish and you lie! You never thought of me. All you ever thought of was you. Your revenge, your power, your rage, your love, your feelings, you, you, YOU! Never me.”
And it was true.
TBC...
so there it is for the second installment. I am so sorry for the monumental delay, but I have had a billion things going on. Between work and university, I have been swamped and every time I do have a bit of free time, I am too dead to even attempt to write. I have final;ly managed to work myself up to writing this chapter and I will be updating some other fics as well, probably my Gundam Wing fic “Wayward Souls” and possibly “Time is All We Need.”
Anyways, please feed the review demon on your way out. It is rather ravenous and I would love to know how everyone likes the ficcy so far. Actually I want to know who you think Naruto should end up with. I love Sai and Sasuke equally and it is so hard to write this fic because I want them all to be happy, but I don't want them to be with other characters... I am so picky and indecisive, so any feedback would be appreciated. I am your slave.
Ja!