Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Carry on Naruto! ❯ �But what�s the machine for?� ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Title: “But what’s the machine for?”
Author: A Spoony and Saffron fanfic.
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: GaaLee, SasuNaru, KakaIru, KankyShinoKiba, ShikaChou, SakuIno, KuraJira, TemaHin, GaiTsu (onesided)
Genre: Humour, romance (sorta)
Rating: Err, 12?
Warning(s): Crack humour, randomness, mentions of sexual activites, innuendo
Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto, not us *weeps*
Summary: The result of Naruto trying to teach sex to Gaara *shivers*
Spoilers: Nothing specific

Note: (Saffron’s note): Erm…hmmm…how to explain? Best to start with the beginning I suppose. Well, Spoony and I were chatting away on MSN about nothing in particular, and I decided to change my MSN icon. I decided on a fanart icon of Sabaku no Gaara saying ‘Da fuck?’ ,cos, well, it’s funny. Now Spoony and I are both rabid Naruto fans, so I knew she’d get a laugh. Spoony’s reaction, being super sophisticated, when she noticed the new icon, was:

spoony says:
hahaha GAARA!

To which I intelligently replied:

Shoujo Kakumei Saffron says:
PHW3AR HIM

And Spoony decided to:

spoony says:
hehhe poke the Gaara! *pokey pokey*

I said he wouldn’t like that, so I said I got Gaara nudey pics of Lee to calm him, and he stole them and teleported. Because we’re filthy we ended up wondering if the Kazekage would know what to do with the pics, and Naruto would try to teach him about the birds and the bees. Bad idea.

(By the way, we both normally write much better than this, this is just funny MSN randomness that somehow spiralled into a fic. @_@)

[Minimum of dialogue edited, MSN names deleted]

Enjoy!

*Naruto has a very interesting chat with Gaara. The subject is being explained with many stick figures drawn in a sketchbook, in between cursing Sasuke’s bastardness*

* Sasuke is getting uber jealous, so he storms in, looking cool and more emoish than ever, and sees...Naruto with a sketchbook of crappy drawings, and a very confused Gaara saying "But, what's the machine for?"*

Sasuke: Dobe, what the hell are you doing?

Naruto: Just helping Gaara out!

Sasuke: Well don't, you’re mine, and Gaara, go ask Lee *drags Naruto off*

Gaara: *Watches them go"
*picks up sketchbook*
*looks at the disappearing couple*
*looks at sketchbook again*

Gaara: "But...the machine? …Hmmm, machines...I'll go ask aniki..."

*Kankuro, unawares over in Suna*: *Twitch* I feel a great disturbance in the force...

Temari: Oh brother...

Kankuro: I think...Gaara's hit puberty...*shudders*

Temari: 0_o... *runs away*

Kankuro: I need a drink, I can't even fantasize about that cute dog boy right now, I'm that disturbed

Kiba: *ears twitch* Someone’s talking about me

Shino: Shut up Kiba.

Hinata: M-my Hentai s-senses are tingling

Kiba: Hey, mine too! I was starting to think they were off cos I feel it a lot when Shino's around lately, but now it's extra strong! *oblivious*

Hinata: *nosebleed* oh m-my

Shino: ...

Kurenai: ...I'll ask the restaurant owner if he has a box of tissues.

Jiraiya: You know, I should really make Hinata my apprentice

Kakashi: Nuuuuuuuuu, don't abandon me, sensei!!

Jiraiya: Now now, don't you have your own student to pervert? *points at Iruka*

Kakashi: Point taken *grabs Iruka* You're cutting class, we're going by the "Sensual Leaf" store, then this sensei has his own private lesson plan for you *filthy look*

Iruka: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELP ME

Hinata: *passed out from blood loss*

Tsunade: *sighs* not again. You’re paying for her medical bills you pervy old bastard

Jiraiya and Kakashi: Who, me? *innocent*

Tsunade: Grrrrrrr Sakura ATTACK!

*Lee enters restaurant*: Hi everyone! Does anyone know if Gaara-san is mad at me?

Hinata: *starts to convulse*

Kurenai: Anyone got a copy of Icha Icha Panties? If I lay the book over her face she'll go back to normal.

Kaka/ Jiraya./ Shino: *Hold up three copies*

Kurenai: ._o *Takes a copy and puts on Hinata's face*

Kiba: *raises eyebrow at Shino* You like that stuff too?

Shino: ...

Shikamaru: How troublesome

*Confused Lee turns to a still eating Chouji* Have you seen Gaara lately? A few days ago I woke up in bed, and I thought I saw him for a split second, but that makes no sense, because why would he be watching me sleep? I saw him again on my way here, and he stared at me and kept on muttering, "machine?”
But that makes no sense, unless...ah, I've got it! He admires my youthful body, because it's like a machine! ^^

Hinata: *starts hyperventilating*

Kurenai: You're not helping, Lee!

Lee: Why? What's wrong with Hinata-san? She seemed okay a few seconds ago, is she unwell?

Chouji: *muffles something insightful but unintelligible*

Shikamaru: Yeah, what he said.

*Sasuke and Naruto walk in together, Naruto looking a bit tired* Damn, teme, did ya have to be so rough?

*Sasuke trips over Hinata*: What the-!

Naruto: Hey guys what’s going on, what’s wrong with Hinata-chan?

Kurenai: She's just a little overwhelmed, the men here are perverted and Lee and Kiba are idiots

Lee/ Kiba: HEY!

Lee: Ah Naruto, my youthful friend, have you seen Gaara recently?

Naruto: Yeah, I was with him earlier teaching him stuff, then teme drags me away for no reason!!

Shikamaru: Probably so your stupidity doesn't spread to the Kazekage

Sasuke: *snort*

Naruto: HEY!

Kurenai: 3 idiots...

Lee: But I don't understand, what was it you were showing Gaara?

*Naruto opens mouth, Sasuke interrupts*: I'll treat you to Ramen, dobe *Glares at Lee*

Naruto: RAMEEEN! You're the best Sasuke, I knew there was a good reason I dragged you back here!!

Sakura: Hey! I helped too

Shikamaru: Great, more women!

Chouji: Is Ion with you, Sakura?

Sakura: Nah she's looking for underwear

Hinata: *faints again*

Kiba: Wow Hinata really is a pervert

Kakashi/Jiraya: It makes us proud! ^^

Shino: *quietly proud*

Gaara: *walks in*

Kiba: Hey Gaara! How's your brother?

Gaara: ...

Shino: *quietly simmering with jealousy*

Naruto: Hey Gaara!

Sasuke: *Glares and grabs Naruto*

Lee: Gaara! I wanted to speak with you earlier, are you mad at me?

Gaara: *mumbling* the machine... what does it mean?

All (Including Hinata): o.0

Lee: Ara? Machine?

Tsunade: Brat, just what the hell have you been showing the Kazekage?

Naruto: I didn't do nuthin, I just told Gaara about sex

All (Including Hinata): o.0 *going red*

Tsunade: With a machine?

Kakashi/ Jiraya: Wow that’s really kinky, just what do you and Sasuke do together Naruto?

*Sasuke beetroot red in the face now, says tightly*: Yes, dobe, what have you being saying?

Naruto: ...err... well I just telling him... ya know!

Shoujo Kakumei Saffron says:
Kurenai, curiously: Go on...

Naruto: err... well you see...

Sasuke: *pissed off* YES?

Naruto: The internet?

Gaara: But you said 'Get the right size and lube it up, then insert the machine and turn it on, and then you can do what you like to him'...what is the machine?

Everyone: 0_o

Hinata: *flat lines*

Kakashi: Err...I think I can explain. The 'machine' is a vibrator, which is used for ...sexual pleasure for yourself or with a partner. It's quite common for a lot of people to have one *slightly weirded out that he just explained that to the teen Kazekage*

*Gaara misses explanation, because while he was sneaking glances at Lee, Lee smiled at him. Suddenly Gaara didn't feel it was important to pay attention to anything else*

Temari: *suddenly bursts in with Kanky on her arm* NARUTO! YOU TAUGHT MY BROTHER WHAT!

*Kankuro and Kiba wave at each other*
*Shino going red and shaking*

Chouji: Shika, I've lost my appetite, don't these people realise it's wrong to talk about sex near food! TT_TT

Kakashi/Jiraya /Naruto: You're kidding me right?

Chouji: Spoiled my appetite *Looks sad*

*Shika looks a little more annoyed than usual*

Shika: You're all so troublesome...

Naruto: *Hides behind Sasuke* Save me Teme!!

Sasuke:...*trying not to laugh*

Ino: *Enters restaurant with shopping bags* Hey guys, what'd I miss?

Sakura: Oh nothing much, just dildo's and stuff. speaking of which what did you get?

Ino: Some frilly lovely undies from "Sensual Leaf". They even had a special offer, with all the knickers I bought, I got a free vibrator and a Play Kit! *pulls out box with a picture of a 'festive' red and green vibrator*

Temari: Oh, Goddammit!!

Naruto: Hey , that's a good one! Me and teme have...err...I've said too much, haven't I?

Sasuke: *looks as if he is about to explode from teh funny*...

Hinata: * having a out of body experience* Te-Temari…

Kakashi/ Jiraya: This is awesome!

Gaara: *looks at the vibrator* Is that the machine?

Everybody: uh huh

*Gaara takes box from slightly scared Ino and looks at the picture*
*Temari has a tough choice, snatch the box away and protect her baby brother, or molest the curvy Hyuuga*
*Sees Kankuro making his way to Kiba/Shino's table*

Hinata: *Floats over to Temari and whispers in her ear* Temari... come play with me, wake me up with a nice grope or too

Gaara: With this machine... *grabs Lee and blots out of there*

~Lee's voice fading: You're not mad at me, yatta!~

Termari: *Must...protect little brother, must...kick other brother's ass, must...MOLEST!* *pounces*

Kurenai: Oh, good grief!

Kakashi/ Jiraya: Excellent!

Kiba: So now Hinata and your sis are busy, fancy doing something Kanky?

Kankuro: Does it involve you, me, and no clothes?

Shino: urge...to..kill.. rising

Kiba: Weeeeelllll, I was thinking of something that would involve no clothes, but with me, Shino and you ...and some baby oil...*pervy look*

Shino/Kankuro: Sold! *grab Kiba and run out*

Akamaru: T.T

*A sexy bitch walks by and gives Akamaru a wink*

Akamaru: Ah-woooooooooooo!!! *chases*

Chouji:*Leans out of his chair and sees what Aka is doing* Eugh. Shikamaru, can we get out of here? I'm starting to feel sick...

Shika: Lets go then, we can have sex then food.

Chouji: But NOT together I know people think I'm greedy, but geeze, there's a time and a place for everything!

Shika: I promise, now get moving before it gets too troublesome

*Chouji takes his hand* okay...
*they leave*

Kakashi/ Jiraya: So beautiful *strike poses and continue to scribble down notes*

Kurenai: Are there no straight men anymore?

Gai: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jiraya: Hey I'm straight, I just appreciate all aspects of love... and sex

Tsunade: Beggers and choosers, right?

*Ino still frozen in horror that Gaara took her new vibrator to do God-knows-what with bushy brows*

Sakura: There there Ino, I'll buy you a new one, or I could make you feel better? *leer*

Ino: Both sound good, help me recover from the trauma...bring your medi-nin outfit. *leers back*

*both girls grin and walk out together hand in hand*

Naruto: 0_o This is getting weird

Sasuke: It was even weirder than this in Sound...Naruto, did you just have 10 bowls of ramen when my back was just turned!?

Naruto: ...Err. No *tries to hide the bowls*

~Ghost of Orochimaru: Ahhhhh memories~

Sasuke:...I'm getting a headache, lets go *Pays up and drags Naruto out*

Naruto; Awwwwww, teme I'm still hungry!

Sasuke: Don't worry Dobe, I'll fill you up *Super Uchiha Leer of Naughtyness*

Naruto's face: *pure beetroot red*

Kurenai: Temari, would you terribly mind not molesting my student? [/sarcasm]

Hinata: *comes back to her senses* Come Temari, to my house for tea and bondage!

*they skip out holding hands*

Everyone left: 0_o, 0/! <- - - (Kakashi btw)

Tsunade: I need more sake

Iruka: TEA and BONDAGE? *shocked*

Kakashi: What a good idea! Come my dolphin, let us follow in the foot steps of those young ladies and have lots and lots of sex!!

Iruka: Ara? You hentai, we did that this morning!

Kakashi: But, that was this morning and this is now *whines*

Iruka: *Sigh* Oh, all right. But this time you, YOU wear the paper bag!

Kakashi *Salutes*

Iruka: C'mon, you freak!

*Leaves*

Tsunade: Now I really need a drink *Downs 3 bottles of sake in under 1 minute*

Kurenai: I think I’ll join you...

Gai: Ahhhhhhhh, lovely Hokage *pulls out bouquet from Hammerspace* May I date you, fair lady?

Tsnuade: *Eye twitch, lands a punch on him that sends him flying*

Jiraiya: How about me?

Tsunade: *Cracks knuckles*

Jiraiya: Say Kura-chan, why don't you and I get acquainted?

Kura:...Why not, I'm drunk enough. I'll just close my eyes and pretend you're somebody else.

Jiraiya: good enough for me! *Grabs Kura, pulls her over his shoulder and leaves with a perverted grin on his face*

Tsunade: *Pours another drink*

*Gai staggers back in* May I sit here?

Tsunade: *Glare of a 1000 deaths*

Gai: Until the world stops spinning *Face green enough to match his leotard*

Tsunade; *Sighs*

Gai: Arigato. *Sits* .........................If I don't talk, can I rest my head on your perfect bosom?

Tsunade: *Beats him to a pulp*

Gai: *Mangled on the floor* Maybe not.

Tsunade: More sake please

OWARI

A Spoony and Saffron Production.

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