Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Carry on Naruto! ❯ Bacon ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Title: Bacon, A Carry on Naruto! fanfiction

Author: A Spoony and Saffron fanfic.

Fandom: Naruto

Pairing: GaaLee, SasuNaru, KakaIru, KankyShinoKiba, ShikaChou, SakuIno, KuraJira, TemaHin, GaiTsu (onesided), ItaSaku (onesided) ItaTen (onesided)

Genre: Humour, crack! fic romance (sorta)

Rating: Err, 15?

Warning(s): Crack humour, randomness, mentions of sexual activites, innuendo , bad language, drug references

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto, not us *Weeps*

Summary: A story inspired by, uh, a bacon sandwich XD

Spoilers: Nothing specific

Authors notes:

Spoony Notes of DEATH!: er yes. Bacon, delicious but deadly, a force that no man or ninja should come up against in battle… much like a stoned Itachi reading incest fics 0_o I have no idea what the fuck we were thinking when we wrote this, but I love it. Love it like the child I someday spawn and dress up in mini cosplay outfits because I am an evil and wicked girl. I've come to love Itachi, because I have made him so stupid. In fact I love him so much I am tempted to draw fan comics of his adventures here. Poor Ten Ten…

Saffy: This lovely story was inspired, not by Halcali's fist album, but by the bacon sarnie I ate mid-Spoony conversation. It was delicious ^^

Itachi: Mmmmmm bacon

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacon

Itachi: I'd hit that with some chocolate sprinkles

Kisame: *Bashes his head on a brick wall*

Itachi: Poor Kisame, lets give him some fish food

Tobi: *Evilgiggles*

Kisame: NO

Itachi: Fish guts?

Kisame: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Itachi: Scooby snacks- DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE *Munches*

Kiba: Has anyone seen my... YOU BASTARD!

Itachi: Huh? *Crumbs on face*

Kiba: You ate my scooby snacks! Go get a job you pothead!

Itachi: ...My bad

Kiba: Why are you in Konoha anyway??

Itachi: Here to see mah dealer

Shikamaru: I've told you already, I don't have any more

Chouji: Yeah, the Chuunins and Jounins had a big party last night, hence the giant cloud over the village *Points*

Itachi: *Sniffs* And I wasn't invited, that's harsh bro...

Shikamaru: Plus the fact that as soon as I do have anything, you just smoke the whole lot any way

Chouji: I made lots of money with my brownies!

Itachi: Hell yeah, even my boy blue rocked those brownies, ain't that right bro?

Kisame: ...You drugged me? 0_o You said they had chocolate chips you bastard!!

Itachi: Woah, bro chill out man. They did... they just had a little extra spice if ya know what I mean ^/_\^

Kisame: I'm going fuck your shit up you-*LOUD CLANGING NOISE*

*Iruka stumbles out of a nearby alleyway wearing only his shirt and a sock* Awgh, not again! Couldn't you wait!?

Itachi: Wooooooooooooah, dude I'm so baked right now I can see a half dressed molested guy

Shikamaru: I hope we're having a mass hallucination

Chouji: *Wails* Why is my ex-teacher naked??

Iruka: *Blinks* What the hell? What are you doing here!?! *Points at Kisame and Itachi, who is still nibbling on a Scooby snack*

Kisame: ...Er, on holiday?

Kakashi: *Walks out of same alleyway Iruka came from* Yo

Itachi: Word

Iruka: Kakashi, get over there and defend our honour!

Kakashi: Okay *Walks over to Itachi* Hey dude, you want your usual?

Itachi: DO I! *Thrusts a wad of cash towards the copy-nin*

Kisame: Wait a... *Checks wallet* ITACHI! *Takes back cash*

Chouji: Um, sensei, where are your clothes?? *Covers face*

Shikamaru: o.0

Iruka: *Ducks behind Kakashi* Er...

Itachi: *Sniff sniff* Aw come on big blue, why you hatin' me? All I want is get high and touch the sky. Help a brother out, bro

Kisame: No! I'm sick of it, I don't even smoke weed but I stink like a pothead!

Itachi: *Sniffs Kisames cloak and starts licking it idly*

Kisame: …What are you doing?

Itachi: Nothing... *starts to chew on the ends of Kisame's cloak*

Kakashi: Wow, he's a bigger stoner than some of the boys last night.

Iruka: Where the Hell are my clothes!

Kakashi: *Trying to look innocent* No idea...

Shika: *Turns to audience* Kids, just say no to drugs. Unless you're buying from me or my boyfriend

Chouji: *Smiles*

Itachi: Ahmen to that *Sigh* Iff only there were some kind person to give me money for that fine looking 8th, then we could get this party started * Continues to eat Kisame's robe, sending drool down his leg*

Kisame: For God's sake GO AWAY *Boots Itachi over the roofs*

Itachi: 0/_\o I can see my Bro from here... and he's banging that Naruto kid. He's so gay...

Iruka: Who's doing what?

Kakashi: Interesting *Scribbles down in his note book*

Kisame: What's with this village? Is there gay in the water??

Iruka: And you're saying the Akatsuki is better?

Kisame: True, there's Deidara the drag queen

----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------

*Far far away* Deidara: I'M A REAL MAAAAAAAAAAN!

----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------

Chouji: *Looks up* What was that noise?

Itachi *Walks up* A screaming drag queen

Kisame: A reeeeal screaming drag queen *Sighs*

Kakashi: You have to live with that?

Itachi: It ain't no thang, just don't ever use her hair products... *Shudders* It ain't pretty, I'm tellin' ya man

Kisame: Neither is Deidara come to think of it

Itachi: Yeah, that chick needs to get her MAC on

Iruka: FOR THE LAST TIME KAKA-BASTARD, WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!?

Kisame: Here *Hands Iruka his half chewed robe* It's a little Itachi-ed, but it'll do fine until your perverted friend there coughs them up

Iruka: Arigato *Puts it on, glaring at his boyfriend* You can look now Chouji

Kakashi: *Perverted leer* Woah Iruka. you look so... wicked and naughty

Iruka: Shut it. See if you get any action from me, EVER AGAIN!

Shikamaru: Chouji, got any potato chips? Its either watch this or the weed clouds above

Itachi: WEEEEED?

Kisame: *Smacks Itachi up-side the head* NO!

*Chouji opens bag* I have BBQ or cheese flavour

Kakashi: You sell flavoured condoms?

Chouji: Sex and food? Never together

Shikamaru: Yeah, those are the golden rules

Kakashi: Not even edible underwear?

Chouji: NEVER!

Itachi: Dude, don't get my lil' bros stressed man. They're cool

Shikamaru: Wow, what a high honor from a permantly stoned customer, give him a prize Chouji [/sarcasm]

Chouji: Okay *Hands over some chocolate*

Itachi: Duuuuuuuuuude, thanks! *Munches*

Shika: (Thinking: Note to self, sarcasm, pointless)

Itachi: Awesome

Kiba: o.0 *Seriously weirded out* I'm leaving now...

Itachi: Nah, bro just bring your boyfriends and some of those fine Scooby snacks and we'll totally hang together

Kisame: God, why do I have to put up with this shit?

Itachi: Cos the leader could see that you were my blue bro

Kisame: (Note to self, ask for change of partners)

Kiba: Who told you about my boyfriends?

Itachi: I can reaad you're MIIIIIIIIIIND

Chouji: Or Ino told you

Shika: You know Ino, Sakura's girlfriend...

Itachi: ...

Kisame: Oh dear God *Puts his fingers in his ears*

Itachi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Shakes his fist in the

sky* WHHHHHHHHHHHHY? PINK HAIRED NINJA CHICK! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

All 'cept Itachi: 0_o

Kakashi: Most guys would love to hear that!

Shika: not me and Chouji

Itachi: *Bursts into tears and hugs Kisame's legs* Oh, man, why? *Sniffles*

Kisame: *Awkwardly* There there...

Sasuke: *Leaping out of nowhere* I can sense it, My brother in pain *Takes out camera*

Kiba: Now thats just sadistic

Sasuke: He murdered my family!

Naruto: *Running after Sasuke, panting, with his shirt undone* Damnit teme! You shouldn't

leave me hanging like that, not when I was about to... *Looks around* Er…

Itachi: OH SOMEONE TAKE MY PAIN AWAY!

Tenten: *Arrives from her training* What's going on?

Kisame: You really don't wanna know

Sasuke: *Beet red, drooling slightly over a dishevelled Naruto* No you really really don't

Tenten: Oh come on, I was on a mission until 2 days ago. Why is...this guy crying? Who are

you, by the way?

Itachi: *Sobbing heavily* A man with a broken heart!

Kisame: You know you still have you'r weed right?

Itachi: Buh? *Brightens up* Oh yeah! *Hugs his bong* I love you Mary Jane, you'll never leave

me...

Everyone: Get a ROOM!

Chouji: That's Itachi, Sasuke's homicidal older brother

Tenten: Ohhhhhh, he doesn't look homicidal

Kisame: Try accidently throwing away his stash, then see how he is

Shika: The mark of a dedicated customer

Tenten: YOU SELL HIM DRUGS???

Sasuke: More like the mark of a dedicated moron

Tenten: I can't believe you're selling drugs!

Shikamaru: *Shrugs* It's a living

Chouji: I like to see happy faces of our customers!

Itachi:* Smiles goofily*

Sasuke: 0_o I'm scared, Dobe hold me

Naruto: *Glomp*

Cho: I think Itachi's drooling

Kisame: I'm not mopping that up

Tenten: I used to think you two were such nice boys. Really lazy, but nice.

Itachi: They are nice boys, they make me happy

Tenten: ...o.0

NejI: Dare I even ask what is going on?

Tenten: ...

Naruto: It's all getting pretty fucked up right here

Sasuke: Hey, Itachi..

Itachi: Buh?

Sasuke: Sakura's got a GIRLFRIEND! *Torment!*

Itachi *Flinces* That's cold baby bro, but I have MJ and one day we'll win her round, won't we? *Kisses his bong*

Sasuke: Is it very wrong that I'm getting off on my brother's anguish?

Everyone: Yes

Naruto: Can't you just get your rocks off with me?

Sasuke: If you start crying I'll have to have my way with you

Everyone: !

Iruka: *Scandalised* You're getting as bad as Kakashi!

Naruto: *Watery cute eyes* Plllllllllllllease Sasuke?

Kakashi: Oh I can see where this is going *Takes out a camera*

Neji: I'm surpised Hinata isn't here to watch, wait hold on *Activates Byakagun* Oh okay

Hinata: *Recording everything going on in a tree*

Sasuke: Beg me again!

Naruto: *Lets a few tears run down his face* Pleeeeeeeeease?

Kakashi: Ohhhhhhhh

Itachi: I wish I was blind right now

Kisame: Me too

Sasuke *Grabs Naruto and runs off just as Kankuro and Shino arrive in opposite directions*

Naruto: NICE! Super Uke technique a success again! Mwua…

Kankuro: What the hell was that?

Shino: 0_o

Kiba: GUYS! *Holds out a plate of brownies*

*Shino/ Kankuro spot each other* What's HE doing here?

Kiba: Come on guys, there's plenty of Kiba to go around. Let have a brownie and talk

Kankuro: You should just dump this loser. I'm Subaku no Kankuro, you could be my no.1 ho,

kawaii dog boy

Shino: …I'd bang you even with fleas...

Everyone save Shino: OH EWWWWWWWWWW

Shino: What? I'm happy, the bugs are happy...no problem

Kiba: Thats so sweet…brownie?

Kankuro: What's so great about these brownies?

Chouji: Well, I made them

Kiba: I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH EITHER OF YOUR TILL YOU EAT A GODDAMN BROWNIE!

*Shino/Kankuro grab brownies and start munching*

Shino: These brownies...they taste good

Kanky: Yeah, thanks fat boy

Shikamaru: *Ups middle finger*

Chouji: Grrrrr

Shino: *Starts tugging on his jacket* Hot

Kanky: I feel...wow.

*Kiba smirks and starts munching a brownie*

Itachi: oh man, it's thooooooooose browmies

Shino: What?

Kisame: You've had some wacky brownies

Kanky: Uhhhhh, I don't know what's going on, but suddenly you don't seem so bad bug boy *Leers*

Shino: ..........Dude, totally

Kiba: Ohhhhhhhhhh baby! *Gets camera*

Kaka: See Iruka, this is why we should be more open minded, more sex that way *Leer*

Neji: It's times like this that I'm glad I'm single

Tenten: *Blushes* Yeah...

*Shino and Kanky start making out*

Kiba: Hey, why don't we go back to mine and get this party started?

Iruka *Morally outraged* I can't believe this, you drugged them just for a threesome??

Hinata in her tree: *Nosebleed*

Kaka: 0_\ Firstly, there's no such thing as JUST a threesome! Secondly...there's no such

thing as JUST a threesome!

Shikamaru: And thirdly, we just made money

Chouji: Yay!

Shino/Kanky: *Lost in their own world*

Kiba: Hello? *Waves hand* Awwwwwww man

Chouji: That's 14,000 yen towards the holiday!

Itachi: Dude, I'm hallucinating again, I'm seeing two dudes making out

Kisame: *Frowning* Yes, hallucinating...

Gaara: o_o What is Kanky doing?

Neji: Where the hell did you come from?

Gaara: Lee's room *Points over there*

Neji:Oh, was wondering where Lee had gotten too

Tenten: True

Kisame: Don't tell me, another gay couple?

Shikamaru: Of course

Kisame: There must really be something in the water here... I think we should go Itachi before we contract it

Itachi: Dude, my love for, uh, pink haired chick is as pure as a hit of snow, plus you don't

have buuuubs

* Tenten whispers to Neji* I think I need to go home and lie down, I'm starting to think that Itachi guy is cute

Neji: 0_o Wow, your taste is bad. *Ahem* Come along Tenten, nothing else to see here...

Tenten: It's been too long since I had a date *Looks at Itachi with a blush*

Itachi: *Looks at Tenten * B'uh? Ohhhhhhhhhh you wanna hit on my bong?

Tenten: *BLUUUUUUUUUSH* Uh...

Kisame: Woah...

Itachi: *Completely clueless* Hey it's okay, I don't have cooties

Neji: Oh Lord *Drags Tenten away*

TT: Uh...nice to meet you, Itachi-san!

Iruka: What is it with nice people and crackheads, perverts as well *Glares at Kiba and Kaka*

Kakashi: Oh you love us really! *Grope*

Iruka: Yes I do *Hugs him gently* Now tell me where my clothes are, or I'll never go near you again! *Smilesmile*

Kiba: *Watches his boyfriends* Oi oi, focus on me! I'll take my clothes off…

Shino/ Kankuro: *Look over toward Kiba*

Shino: You thinking what I'm thinking?

Kanky: Ohhhhhhhhh yeah

*Both grab Kiba and drag him off*

Kiba: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

Gaara: ...Where are they going?

Shikamaru: To the nearest bush I think

Gaara: I see

Chouji: Where's Lee? You said you came from his room

Kakashi: *Still frozen in horror at no sex threat*

Gaara: I think I wore him out

Kakashi: *Whimpering*

Itachi: Buh *Lights up a joint*

Kisame: Come on you little stoner, there is no way I wanna be around to hear what the

Kazekage has been up to

*Kisame grabs Itachi by the scruff of his collar and proceeds to drag him out of the village*

Iruka: What about your cloak?

Kisame: Keep it, we've got loads...

Itachi: *Fading away* Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude……

Kakashi: *Still whimpering*

Shika: Just tell him!

Kakashi: *Whines* But I want him naked all the time!

Iruka: I can't teach naked!

Chouji: What can't you teach naked?

Iruka: Teaching the children! I can't be naked, it'll warp their minds!!

Shikamaru: Honestly, I don't think it made any difference to our year

Kakashi: See!

Iruka: Clothes. Now. Or our alleyway night will be the LAST that you'll see of me naked!

Gaara: I agree with Kakashi, naked is good.

*ShikaCho imagine Lee naked, shudder*

Kakashi: See, the Kazekage agrees with me

*Iruka sighs, mutters time to get out the big guns…*

*Glares a little, pouts*

Kakashi: Fine...

Iruka: *Smiles*

Kakashi: But we are so getting it on once you get you're clothes on

Iruka: Clothes please!

Kakashi: *Hands em over*

Iruka: *Dresses* Thank you *Quick kiss* Bye now! *Poofs away*

Kakashi: 0_\ The TEASE!

*Poofs away after him*

*Silence, then a distant voice calling, 'Gaaaaaaaara, Gaaaaara-san, please come back, I need

to go to the toilet!'*

Chouji: o_o What was that?

Gaara: I need... to go

Shikamaru: Did you tie him up

Gaara: ...

*'Gaaaaara'*

*Gaara leaps off to Lee's aid*

Shikamaru: *Yawns* ...Well, that was bizarre

Chouji: Let's go make more brownies

Shikamaru: Yeah, but let's go check on the new crop on the way. If we screw up this lot we won't be able to sell for a few weeks

Chouji: And Itachi will be sad...

Shikamaru: He'll be homicidal, you mean. We're his new regular dealers now

Chouji: Yeah... let's go

Shikamaru: Cool *Takes his hand, kisses Chouji's cheek as they leave*

OWARI

A Saffron and Spoony Production