Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Fetish? What's A Fetish? ❯ What's A Filler Episode? ( Chapter 15 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

-----Author’s note: I love how so many people guessed at Marcus’ true identity! This chapter will tell who was right and who was wrong. The answer to that particular question is actually funny in and of itself. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy.....-----


“Are you absolutely sure that’s Marcus?”

“Of course I’m sure!”

“.....Because I think you’re not.”

“No, that is definitely Marcus! Look at him, who else looks like that!?”

“I can think of at least one person.....” Sasuke, still appearing as Temari, sighed, “I at least thought the person we’d be facing was actually named Marcus.”

“Marcus IS his name!” Crystal squealed, even though it was in a whisper.

“No, no it isn’t. I know him, come on, we can just talk this one out.....” The Uchiha left the safety of around the corner of the building, and went out to meet his enemy. Well, not really his enemy, as this entire thing was probably the biggest misunderstanding ever constructed by anyone or anything.

Marcus sent off the would-be client with threats so that he was all alone. He’d have to deal with this customer-nabbing woman, himself. Luckily he didn’t have to wait long, as the girl came walking on up to him as if they knew each other. .....Wait, he DID know this girl! “Temari-chan? Is that you?”

Sasuke smacked himself on the forehead, and would have taken the transformation jutsu off had Marcus not continued.

“This makes everything much easier! You can come over to my side, and forget all about Kareem’s heir! He’s just a misguided little one, after all.....” Marcus’ expression darkened, “Or I can just remove you. It’s your choice.”

“R-Remove me? What are you talking about!?” Sasuke blanched.

-

Naruto wasn’t sure what he should do. Now he understood what it meant to be a pimp, and he didn’t want to have any part of it. Selling blow jobs was one thing, but selling the sex was a completely, one hundred percent different thing. That meant that Crystal and all of her friends that he saw coming in and out of the bar did that.....for money.....and he was supposed to be helping them do it.....
He swallowed the building nausea and fell back onto his bed. Slowly, he turned his green face to look at Temari, who was still on her own bed. When he had first heard of it, he had been upset with her for using genjutsu to trick her clients into thinking she had done her work, for real. Now, he was very, very glad she had. But.....Why?

Why was he glad she hadn’t done the sex with these people? It was just a physical act, right? Like walking or jumping. It was just a thing. So why did the thought of her doing that with people make him feel so weird? What a terrible situation for him to be in. He needed to figure out what he could about the sex before Hinata’s birthday so he could figure out how to act on her potential feelings for him. He was pretty damn sure he wouldn’t be giving her sex for a present, though. Not after everything he’d seen and gone through with Sakura, Ino, and now even Temari. There was always that whole thing about Anko telling him she loved him, to deal with, too. Man, things were much, much less confusing when he was completely oblivious to absolutely everything.

Naruto heard the door open. He sat up to see who it was. “Doctor.....” He mumbled upon seeing Hugh.

“She finally cracked, right?” The man asked, motioning towards the girl on the bed, who, even though she was awake, kept still and quiet so they’d leave her alone.

“I’m sorry.....I really didn’t know what any of this was. I had no idea what she had been going through, or even what I was doing,” Naruto admitted, “I wound up messing things up for everyone. Now who knows what happened to the client, and our shot at Marcus is probably gone, for now.”

“Big daddy,” The good doctor sat on the end of the bed beside Naruto’s feet, “When you first showed up, remember how I said you couldn’t possibly be Kareem’s heir, because you were just a kid?”

“I remember you said not to call you my Hershey Man.”

“Not really helping my point, here.”

“Oh, yeah, now I remember.”

Hugh nodded, “Well, I was wrong. You’re more of an adult than any of these other cats I deal with on a daily basis.”

Naruto scooted to the end of the bed so he could sit beside his dark chocolate teddy bear. Once accomplished, he asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean it takes a real man to admit he’s lost. It takes a real man to admit he messed up. Most important, it takes a real man to apologize sincerely, like you just did to me. You didn’t even do me no wrong, but you still said you were sorry because you thought you let me down somehow.” The good doctor set his hand on Naruto’s shoulder, flashed him a big smile and said, “I’m proud of you.”

Naruto returned the toothy grin with his own, “Thanks. It’s good to hear that. Hey.....”

“Yeah, big daddy?”

“Could you tell me about Kareem and Marcus?”

“Aw, man,” Hugh chuckled, “They was something else. Always competing and whatnot. You’d almost have thought they were friends the way they’d carry on. Marcus was always challenging Kareem to whatever, man, I swear, but Kareem never seemed to give a rat’s ass. They basically ruled the world of booty, and they were good about it. They screened their clients, made sure the girls were ok with ‘em, then made sure everyone had a good time. Those were the golden days, big daddy. Then.....” The man trailed off, a sad look in his eye.

“Then what happened? What went wrong?” Kareem’s heir asked earnestly.

The good doctor pointed at Kareem’s cane, which was propped up in a corner, “Then he got this cane, here. It was given to Kareem by a beautiful, beautiful woman as payment.”

“Payment?”

“Yeah. For the good stuff, you know,” Hugh laughed, “The cane had a long history for attracting women and for empowering its owner with its mojo.”

Naruto tilted his head to the side, “And how did this random girl happen to have it?”

“I didn’t say she was some random girl, man, I said she was a beautiful girl!”

“So this beautiful girl had a magical cane that attracted women, and she gave it to the guy who showed her a wonderful night? How did she even have it?”

“Family heirloom, I guess, I never questioned it.”

“Sounds kind of contrived.”

“Don’t be using these weird words trying to sound smart, big daddy,” Hugh groaned, “I’m just telling you what I know, true or not! Now, Kareem got this cane, which gave him a hefty boost in the popularity department. He was suddenly getting more clients and better women to work for him, while Marcus was falling behind. Marcus got jealous and wound up challenging Kareem for the cane. That was when they had their final battle, and Marcus felled Kareem after a ten-hour-long power struggle.....”

Naruto sighed, “So even though they were friends, they wound up fighting it out that hard over power, huh? I’m glad Sasuke and I will never have to deal with the exact same situation ever.”

“Big daddy, you didn’t let me finish the story. Or are you good where you at?”

Surprised, the blonde shook his head, “No, continue, continue.”

“Well it went a little something like this. Before Marcus confronted him with the challenge, Kareem came to me and shared his plan with me. He knew how bad Marcus wanted to stay on top. He told me that he was tired of the life and wanted out, but felt trapped. He didn’t want to just abandon all of his girls. So he made a bargain with Marcus to give him the cane if he helped him fake his death.”

“Wait,” Naruto held up his hands, “So Kareem is ALIVE?”

“Damn straight that motha’s still kickin’. Least as far as I know, I haven’t seen him ever since.”

“Then why is that cane still here? Why doesn’t Marcus have it!?”

Hugh sighed, “Ah, that’s where it gets messy. See, Kareem insisted I not tell any of the girls about it. Crystal thinks that Marcus really killed Kareem, so she took the cane and made off with it after their fight. She’s been hiding it from him ever since.”

“But.....why? If she thinks he’s dead, then why does it matter?”

The good doctor shook his head as he snickered, “For a pimp you don’t understand women very well, big daddy. She had a thing for my man, and the cane is all she has left of him. She’s counting on you to help her avenge Kareem’s death by defeating Marcus.”

“GS! Come in, GS!”

Naruto jumped when his walkie-talky started hissing at him. He unfastened it from his belt, and spoke down into it, “That’s not my codename, Darkside!” Naruto knew who it was pretty easily, as Temari was on her bed a few yards away from him. Sasuke had used the transformation jutsu, like he figured he would.

“It feels wrong saying Golden Shower, give me a break!” Sasuke responded, “Where the hell are you? It’s a madhouse down here!”

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“It’s Marcus! Marcus is here, himself, and you’ll never guess who he is! AND MORE! Kareem is here! He’s not dead!”

Naruto smacked himself on the forehead, “Well, that’s great, I just found that out, too! Who the hell are they, though!?”

-

The infamous Marcus, laughed and said, “Send you back to the village hidden in the sand, of course! I’m sure everyone would be very curious as to what you’ve been doing way out here. .....Or what you haven’t been doing, I suppose.....”

Crystal rushed up from behind Sasuke and grabbed him by the arm, “We’ve gotta get out of here!” She whisper-yelled, “He’s bad news!”

Sasuke shrugged her off, “Are you kidding me? He’s like, the least threatening jounin I know. Sure, he can fight, but he wouldn’t do anything bad. You’ve got this WAY wrong.”

“I see you have a friend, with you,” Marcus laughed, “I didn’t know that poor man I sent off had such a big appetite for such pretty young lotus blossoms!”

“See?”

Crystal shook her head, “We need to wait for help! We need Naru-daddy and the cane!”

“Gai,” Sasuke addressed his friend/enemy, “What is all this craziness about you being Marcus?”

Might Gai laughed, which made this the third or fourth time he just spontaneously laughed, and said, “I keep telling them my name is Might, but they keep calling me Marcus. I think they think it sounds more pimp.”

“Did you really kill Kareem over a stupid cane?”

“That cane means more to me than you could possibly know, my pretty young friend,” Gai sighed, “You could never understand.....”

“Why don’t you try and explain it to me? I know where the thing is, I can get it for you,” Sasuke shrugged, not quite sure what the big deal was.

Gai stood there, completely stunned. He blinked a couple of times, but didn’t manage any words.

“No, you can’t!” Crystal gasped, absolutely horrified at the idea, “That cane is Naru-daddy’s, now!”

“N-Naru.....daddy’s? So.....” If Gai were any more intrigued and confused at this point, a gigantic red question mark would be hovering over his head. He was hungry, though, so the only thing up there was a stupid-looking red hat.

“Yep, he’s thinkin’ Arby’s,” A voice called out from up above.

Sasuke, Crystal, and Gai all looked up simultaneously to find someone rather unexpected.

“KAREEM!?”

“My ultimate rival!”

“Kakashi-sensei?”

Kakashi Hatake jumped down from the building he was currently perched on, and clapped his book shut upon landing like a cat. Casually he strode on over to Gai, waving a hand as though there were a bad smell in the air, “Don’t you think it’s time we put this whole ugly cane mess behind us? It’s been two years, after all.....”

“You know I loved her!” Gai bawled into his forearm, a flood of manly tears unleashed upon the world, “And still you deflowered her and took her symbol of love! It was for me!”

“The cane is hardly a symbol of love. And how many times do I have to tell you? She came onto ME!”

“K-KAREEM!?” Crystal echoed her earlier exclamation.

Kakashi paused his strut forward, slowly turned to look at Crystal and who appeared to be Temari, then gave a quick wave, “Oh, hello. How have you been?”

“I think someone spiked my drink, earlier, but otherwise good,” Sasuke retorted. He wondered if there was therapy for this sort of thing. Maybe if he said there was a rape involved, or something, he could worm his way in.

“YOU’RE NOT DEAD!?”

The jounin looked himself up and down, patted his knees, bum, head, and chest. After he appeared satisfied with his self-examination, he closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck like a goof, “I certainly don’t feel dead.”

That was about it for Crystal. Her eyes rolled up in the back of her head, and she collapsed to the ground.

Kakashi’s eyes wandered over to Sasuke’s.

“Oh, sorry, should I have caught her? I just don’t like her very much.”

“What are you even doing here, my rival?” Gai asked, his tears already dried up, “I thought you never planned on returning here?”

Kakashi shrugged, “I definitely didn’t. But when I found out what Naruto had been sent here to do, I couldn’t sit back and do nothing. I think it’s time for you to forget the past and move on. It’s not our job to do this, anymore.”

“If we don’t, then who will join the lonely men with the pretty young flowers of the world? You don’t mean you expect Naruto to do it?”

Sasuke watched this, so confused that if given the option between boxers or briefs, he would pick panties. Wait, that was a bad example. So confused, that if given the option between Scrubs or ER, he would pick Grey’s Anatomy. .....There are no good examples for how confused he was.

“No, not Naruto,” Kakashi stated firmly.

‘Please don’t say Sasuke, please don’t say Sasuke, please don’t say Sasuke.....’ The prodigious Uchiha begged internally.

“I mean for my close friend from two years back, Hugh Jwang.”

‘Aw, I wanted him to pick me.....’ Sasuke thought sadly.

Gai scoffed at this declaration, and reached down to undo his pants, “Mighty though your wang may be, you overestimate yourself, my friend! I challenge you!”

“WAIT!” Kakashi threw his arms up over his eyes, “I have a friend whose name is Hugh! Hugh Jwang! I wasn’t talking about me!”

“Oh,” Gai zipped his pants back up.

“Why would mine just be a friend from two years back?” Kakashi groaned, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, after the whole Anko incident.....”

“We’re not to speak of that,” The white-haired man shuddered, “Now, the score is tied right now, isn’t it?”

“Sixty-one to sixty-one!” Gai crowed.

“Well then, I think it’s about time we broke that tie, don’t you?”

If ever Gai had been moved by words, and he certainly had, he was being thrown by these ones. His rival was actually challenging HIM for a change! Not the other way around! He wished Lee were here to see this.....

“I accept your challenge! What are the terms?”

Kakashi pondered this question for a moment, tapping his chin. He said, “If you win, I’ll get you the cane and walk around Konoha for an entire day wearing nothing but my mask, and a t-shirt that says ‘Might Gai is better than me’. I’ll also wave around a flag that says ‘I wish I had Might Gai’s YOUTH!’. Good?”

Gai closed his agape mouth to stop the drool, and gave a thumbs up, “Sounds good, to me! And what if by some fluke you win?”

“If I win, you’ll promise on Lee’s youth that you’ll give up the life.”

“WHAT!?” The jounin nearly fell down, so shaken was he, “But.....But.....”

“Well, if you’re too scared to accept the challenge, that’s fine, I guess.....”

“Never! I accept! What do you challenge me to?”

With a veiled smile, Kakashi replied, “I challenge you to a pimpoff. Battle to the bitter end!”

Gai slowly raised a hand, and pulled the white glove off. Sasuke didn’t know if that had actually been on the entire time, but it was definitely off, now.

The two men slowly approached one another. An ominous air fell over the entire village. Thunderclouds and heavy winds picked up seemingly out of nowhere. “You should get to a safe place,” Kakashi waved Sasuke off, “Take Crystal with you. Take good care of her, for me.”

The Uchiha didn’t move, because he wanted to see what was about to go down.

The two rivals stopped right in front of one another, and stared into each others eyes for several minutes. They were talking, but were just out of Sasuke’s hearing. It looked like a mostly long and pointless dialogue, however, so he wasn’t too distressed. Just before his patience was about to give way, causing him to watch something else, Gai swung his hand across Kakashi’s face in a nasty slap. The struck jounin whipped his head back under the attack, and both froze in that position.

“What, that’s it?” Sasuke’s jaw dropped, “All of that build up and waiting for one Goddamned hit? And look at it, it did basically nothing! That’s.....” He trailed off when the building beside him exploded under the shockwaves that suddenly erupted from the two. He grit his teeth and ground his heels into the dirt to try and stay where he was, but the sheer power from the awesome bitchslap flung him and Crystal away. He managed to catch the annoying blonde prostitute as they fell, and kept her from anything more serious than a couple of bruises.

Kakashi retaliated with a bitchslap of his own, and this one caused lightning to crackle dangerously from up above. And so, the two began taking turns slapping each other in the face. Neither one attempted to dodge, and neither one pulled their punches. Er, slaps. With each cheek-crushing blow, Sasuke’s mind was filled with scenes of crashing waves, flashing lightning, and exploding mountains and hills. He noted that, though he was very far away, Kakashi’s hair looked particularly big and spiky, today. It flashed a bright yellow with every angry clap of lightning.

He pulled out his walkie and called for Naruto, “GS! Come in, GS!”

A couple of seconds passed before Naruto’s voice came through the other end, “That’s not my codename, Darkside!”

“It feels wrong saying Golden Shower, give me a break!” Sasuke responded, “Where the hell are you? It’s a madhouse down here!”

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“It’s Marcus! Marcus is here, himself, and you’ll never guess who he is! AND MORE! Kareem is here! He’s not dead!”

Naruto sounded noticeably irked by this, “Well, that’s great, I just found that out, too! Who the hell are they, though!?”

“It’s Gai! Gai is Marcus, and-”

“It’s GAI!?” Naruto barked, “Then that means Kakashi-sensei is Kareem!”

Sasuke paused for a second, surprised, “Wow, way to steal my thunder, thanks a lot. Anyway, you’ve gotta come down here, and quick! Bring the cane with you, that’s what this whole stupid thing is about!”

“Alright, where are you?” The blonde asked. Sasuke could hear him jogging across a wooden floor before he turned his walkie off to wait for a response.

“I don’t know!” He stopped to look at the two battling men, who were now shouting out to the sky while flexing really hard, “Just follow the unnecessarily long charging period vibes!”

“Is that what that is?” Naruto asked, still sounding as though he were on the move, “I thought Sakura had found my blog and was coming here to kill me.....”

Sasuke glanced at the two men, who were still shouting and flexing. He had some time to kill, “Oh, really? You actually started one of those things? I mean, I know they’re really popular, now, but I didn’t think you had one.”

“Yeah,” Naruto replied, “They’re pretty cool. Some people use them for friends and stuff, some like a diary, some just to jot down political opinions or whatever. They’re really becoming a big deal in society. The media’s taking notice of them, even. Facebook, just as an example, was actually on 60 Minutes, not too long ago.”

“Is Facebook really a blog, though? I thought it was more of a MySpace kind of thing.”

“Actually, Facebook is a lot like those things. It’s the biggest uploader for user photos and that sort of thing, right now. I don’t have a Facebook, and I don’t like MySpace because I think most people on there either want to hurt me or want to hurt themselves. You know, with razors.”

Sasuke nodded, “Yeah, I know what you mean. But you finally got a blog. How come you haven’t told me about it, yet?”

Naruto laughed a little bit, “I don’t know, it’s really just kind of a place for me to get my thoughts down, you know?”

“No, not really. Why would you want to write up your thoughts and feelings in a massively accessible medium where pretty much anyone who has a computer can find them?”

“Yeah, I always kind of feel like an ass after doing it, but I can’t help it. I keep going back. I’ve actually worked up seventy-four hits, and that’s pretty good.”

“How long have you had the thing?” Sasuke wondered.

“Ah, about three or four months, now.”

“Wow, that’s pathetic. The Backstreet Boys had more hits than that in a week. I know, I know that’s an exaggeration, you don’t need to point it out, I’m just saying,” The Uchiha laughed.

Naruto laughed as well, “Ok, ok, yuck it up, man. They still fighting?”

Sasuke tore his attention from the pointless conversation on the walkie and looked at the two jounin. They were still yelling. He wondered if they had stopped to breathe, yet. “They’re still sort of fighting. Sort of. You almost here?”

“Well, I can hear someone shouting, so I figure I’m getting closer. Hey-”

“Wait a sec, I think something’s about to happen!” Sasuke interrupted his friend. Kakashi and Gai stopped their yelling, took a deep breath, then continued. “Oh, never mind. I figured they would be doing that, soon. So.....”

Ten minutes later.....

“Alright,” Gai shouted, jumping back. His lungs were now on fire from the nonstop shouting, and he was pretty sure everything shouldn’t be spinning as much as it was. Regardless, he roared, “Let’s settle this like REAL pimps! Come on out, girls!”

His voice, though noticeably raw, echoed up into the night sky. Within seconds, women were appearing over the debris and off in the distance, moving at impressive rates. Gai became enveloped in the women, who appeared ready to shield him. Everyone knew that pimps weren’t meant to fight. They were meant to hide behind women and let them do all the dirty work. And the other dirty work that involved kicking ass.

Kakashi surveyed the scene before him, and he knew it was bad. It had been a long time since he had taken part in a pimp battle, and even if he called, nothing might come of it. He couldn’t hurt the women, either, because only ass holes did that, and he wasn’t an ass hole. It was a tough situation. What was he going to do?

“KAKASHI-SENSEI!”

The jounin turned to find Naruto standing beside Hugh Jwang, the legendary cane in his hands. The boy pulled back and flung the cane towards him. In one smooth motion, Kakashi caught the stick, thrust it towards the sky, and shouted, “Come on out, ladies!”

The ground began to shake, the thunder grew louder, and a light drizzle started. No one around them could comprehend what was happening before they were completely and absolutely surrounded by women, all at the beck and call of the legendary Kareem and his mighty cane.

Gai looked around him in terror, realization sinking in as he did. He had been outpimped. The women.....So many women..... “IT’S OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDD!”

-

Kakashi stood with a broken Gai slung over his shoulder, Naruto and Sasuke on either side of him. They were at the edge of the village, and about to return to their own. Lord knows they were all ready to go home after this terrible mess. They had already done their tearful goodbyes with their beloved Hershey Man, and Crystal hadn’t awoken from her shock at having seen her beloved Kareem, and their beloved Temari had already cursed them out for messing everything up and stormed off home. Everything had worked out the best for everyone, though, and they all knew it. Especially Naruto, who had been given a note by everyone’s favorite fan-slinging ninja girl. The note went a little something like this.....

Naruto, thanks for being such a good guy last night. Guys like you are getting tougher to find, I think. You’d better stay a good guy, or I’ll kick your ass. You know, at least until I visit to turn you into a bad boy. I expect to be given some time off once I officially report on my mission. I’ll be seeing you soon, Naruto. Look forward to it.....

“Hey, Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto asked, following after his leader, “When a girl tells you to look forward to her visiting you, that doesn’t mean anything, does it?”

“Well, Naruto, when Mr. Ichiraku tells you to look forward to his next ramen recipe, does that mean anything?” The jounin retorted.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.
“Oh, man,” Naruto groaned, “If they’re anything alike, Temari’s visit is going to taste really, really good.”


-----Author’s other note: I am so glad to be out of the pimp arc. Now I can roll onto something better. Well, better to me. Also, I watched Dragonball Z back in the day and loved it. I am not a hater, just poking fun. Oh, and I am not being paid by Arby’s or Facebook, I’m just better at product placement than your average nineteen-year-old. That means I’m slightly more competent than a goat.

Lastly, I am once again in open territory and can take suggestions for chapters. I have one week to fill before Hinata’s birthday, now, so if you have an idea that doesn’t suck, feel free to share. Also, I’m not a jerk so I won’t say anything mean to you. Just ask everyone you know. They’ll vouch for me.

Thanks for reading.....-----