Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Fetish? What's A Fetish? ❯ Fetish? What's A Fetish? ( Chapter 16 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

-----Author’s note: Giants defeat the Patriots seventeen to fourteen. I was seriously biting my nails for that last three minutes. I hope you all watched it and ate as much junk food as I did. We could feed a third world country for years with that kind of food power!

Also, be weary of the less comedy in this chapter, as it focuses more on developing character relations and setting up future stuff. Dominoes, baby. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy.....-----


Tsunade, the beloved and feared Hokage of Konoha, looked into Naruto’s eyes. Once confident that he was about to turn into stone, she switched to Sasuke. Once confident he was about to be turned straight, she switched to Kakashi. Once confident he was ignoring her and reading his book, she switched to Gai. Once confident he could barely make her out through his huge watery eyes, she switched to.....oh, that was everyone.

“So that’s your story?”

“And I’m sticking to it.”

The woman groaned and rubbed her temple, “Kakashi, do you really expect me to believe that?”

“Well,” The jounin replied slowly, “Everyone still believes that you’re called the ‘legendary sucker’ because you stink at betting, so.....”

“Right,” Tsunade nodded, “I’ll file the report. Well done, to all of you! Now get out of here.....”

The four left the Hokage’s office, free men. Quietly as if they were in a funeral procession, they walked through the halls, down the stairs, and out through the front door. No sooner had they stepped onto the road did Naruto ask, “How the hell did you convince her that Marcus was actually a circus clown, and that Crystal was actually just a doped up teenager playing games?”

“It was very simple,” The masked man said, “I used the truth, and nothing but the truth.”

“But Gai isn’t really a circus clown.....” The blonde mumbled, “Right?” He turned to look at Gai, but the man was running from them, big teary trails fluttering behind him in his wake.

“What a sore loser,” Sasuke said. He shook his head as he turned to Naruto, “So now what?”

“Now what, what?”

“Well, we’re back home. Hinata’s birthday is in.....Oh, who am I kidding, we all know I don’t care enough to know.”

“In seven days, actually,” Kakashi supplied the answer, “Hard to believe it’s only been a week since we had that ill-fated talk, huh, Naruto?”
Naruto nodded vigorously, “It feels more like it’s been a little over thirteen months.”

“Wow, that was a weird number to pick. Anyway, I guess I’ll give you a little alone time to figure out your next plan of action,” Sasuke started to wander away from his blonde ally, “You know where to find me if you need me.”

“Hot Topic?”

“Only if Macy’s is closed.”

He watched his friend turn a corner and disappear, then turned his attention to Kakashi. Or, at least, he would have if Kakashi hadn’t been trying to sneak away. “HEY!” Naruto shouted, jogging after his now-reading friend, “I need to talk to you!”

“Oh?” Kakashi asked, not closing his book nor slowing his failed retreat, “I can’t imagine what about.”

“Half of my time to Hinata’s birthday is gone, now, and I still don’t understand enough to handle the situation!”

“I don’t really see the situation, to be quite honest.”

“The situation,” Naruto growled, “Is that you said she wanted sex! From me!”

“Jokingly, I said jokingly.”

No, you said ‘half-jokingly’. You think I don’t remember this?”

Kakashi shrugged, “Alright, I still don’t see the situation.”

“It’s easy to see, damn! Iruka-sensei told me that to do sex you need to be in love! I thought he was full of crap, but then when I saw the sex, it was the most horrible, disgusting, painful looking thing I have ever seen. No one would ever want to do that, especially not me! Then when a chance to do that with Sakura-chan came up, it didn’t sound bad at all!”

“Hold the phone,” Kakashi clapped his book shut and raised his hand. He stared down at Naruto.

Shikamaru was out looking for Asuma, as he needed a Go partner. Since Asuma went through about seven packs of cigarettes a day, he figured that the man would be out shopping in the marketplace. He found not Asuma, but Kakashi. The jounin was talking to.....Oh, no, it was Naruto! He hadn’t been able to speak to him for an entire week, now, because whenever he tried the blonde said something perverted to chase him away. It looked like Kakashi was the one talking, though, so would it be safe to approach? He couldn’t recall playing Go with that particular jounin, so maybe he’d bring something new to the table.....It was worth the risk.

Shikamaru Nara hurried up to the two from behind only to hear Kakashi ask earnestly, “.....You had sex with Sakura?” He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. It wasn’t just Naruto, but even the people around him! And Sakura? AGAIN?


“Well, no,” Naruto admitted, “We didn’t do that. But the point is that I was sure I loved her, so the sex sounded ok.”

“That’s the point?”

“YES!”

“I still don’t see it.”

Through heavy groaning and clenching of his teeth, Naruto managed not to say something mean. Instead, he went and said, “The point is if you think Hinata wants to do sex with me, no matter how much or little,” He added when it looked like the jounin might interrupt him, “Then she must love me, no matter how much or little. I need your help with that!”

Kakashi took Naruto’s arm and set him down on a nearby bench. He sat beside him, “Naruto, love is really, really complicated. It’s only made more complicated when you try and factor in sex, like what you’re basically doing. Honestly, I think the two should be kept as far apart as possible.”

“I know it’s complicated! Shizuna does it to get over her stress!”

“Wow, didn’t know that.”

“Anko just seems to want to do it for no reason!”

“I did know that.”

“Temari faked it for money!”

“I didn’t need to know that.”

“Crystal is a prostitute, which it turns out means she sells sex! To men!”

“Only during your standard workweek. On the weekends you don’t have to be a man.”

“Ino probably plays with herself more than a teenager plays with a Playstation!”

“Thanks for the mental images, there.”

“Sakura-chan would rather have sex with a tree than me, and I’m starting to not even care!”
“Again, thanks for the mental images.”

Naruto cupped his face in his hands and hung his head low, “I really am confused, and everything really is complicated. I need your help, so don’t leave me with nothing, here.....”

He had never reopened it, but Kakashi now set Icha Icha paradise down beside him. He gave Naruto a weak punch in the arm and said, “Alright, I owe you one for not busting me to Tsunade, so I’ll see what I can do. Now.....what is it, exactly, you want me to do?”

“Just.....where do I go from here? I’ve learned a lot in the last week, but all it’s done is left me with more questions and a lot to add on my ‘things to never look at the same way, again’ list,” Naruto replied.

“I think that everything’s really confusing because you’re looking at it on too large a scale,” The jounin stated rather plainly, leaning back into his seat to look up at the sky, “You’re thinking love, stress, disease, emotions, trauma, is this gay, what do I do, what should I do, what will she do, what should I say, what does she want me to say, what time is it, is that a gray hair, should I have gotten the el grande, or am I just average sized, it just goes on, and on, and on.....Now if you were going to the grocery store to pick up some milk, what would you be thinking?”

Naruto let the question hang for a moment, then smoothly replied, “I wonder what kind of ramen they have!”

“Ok, scratch that question. Let’s say you need to go to the bathroom. You’re in your home, and you just need to go to the bathroom. What do you do?”

“Well.....I go to the bathroom.”

Kakashi nodded, “Good. So tell me, what do you do to get there? You know you need to go to the bathroom, but there are a few things you need to do to get there. What are they?”

“I get up, walk to the bathroom, open the door, walk in, unzip my pants, and take care of my business.”

“You forgot ‘close the door’.”

“I know what I said.”

Through a little shudder, Kakashi went on, “There you go. It’s really simple when you have one aim, one goal, and you focus on that one thing. You just need to look at things on a smaller scale, and break them down.”

The boy shook his head, “No, this definitely doesn’t work like that.”

“Sure it does. Let’s look at another one and break it down. You’re hungry. You figure out what sounds good, you buy it, you either cook it or have someone prepare it for you, then you eat it. You solved your problem. Another one. You have an important test coming up. You set aside a little bit of time to study, you take notes in class, you listen to the teacher. You’ll do better on the test.”


“So.....what’s my question?”

“I think you need to find one out, for yourself. Since you’ve been pushing to learn about sex and all that kind of stuff because of a fleeting thing I said about Hinata, I think a good place to start would be.....”

The man trailed off and waited for Naruto to finish, which he did, “Do I love Hinata back?”

“Bingo.”

“Well, I mean, she’s kind of.....I don’t really know if.....something.....”

Kakashi knocked Naruto on the head, “Thinking about it, too much. Think of it like our questions, before.”

“The questions before were easier!” Naruto shouted, “I know how to eat or go to the bathroom! I don’t know how to tell if I love someone, or not!”

“Actually,” Kakashi cut in, “I think you do.”

“What are you.....” He trailed off when he realized that he did have a vague idea on how to tell if he loved someone, or not. His kiss with Sakura had seriously shaken his once unshakeable faith that they were destined to be together. He didn’t think he loved her, really. At least not like that.

“So, you need to find out if you love Hinata,” Kakashi yawned, “What do you do?”

The blonde now knew the answer, he was surprised to admit, “I spend time with her, do things with her.....and kiss her.”

The jounin shrugged a little, “I didn’t really mean the last one, but if that’s what it takes, you know yourself better than I do.”

“But what kinds of things does she like to do? I know I’m supposed to figure out by spending time with her, but I’d like to at least have one thing to start out with.”

“Hard to say. She’s the quiet type, which means she probably has some seriously out-there fetishes. That’s usually how it works out. .....Except for Anko, she has a ton of them and she’s definitely not quiet,” Kakashi stroked his chin in thought.

Naruto blinked a couple of times before asking, “Fetish? What’s a fetish?”

“Look it up,” Kakashi sighed, “Anyway, now you know what to do next, which is basically what you asked of me, which means I’ve repaid my debt. Back to avoiding you for sex-question-related reasons,” The jounin vanished in a puff of smoke. Naruto shook his head in disappointment, but jumped off of the bench when Kakashi reappeared, “Forgot my book,” He grinned, snatching it and leaving, once again.

Naruto pulled the walkie talkie from his belt, brought it to his lips and said, “Darkside, Darkside, do you read me?”

A few seconds later, Sasuke replied, “Roger that, GS, I copy you.”

“Dude, you sounded so cool, right there.”

“I know, I felt cool. What’s up?”

“I need your help. Do you have a dictionary on you?”

“Luckily enough, a bookstore is right besides Hot Topic, so I can just swing in there and check.”

Naruto nodded, “Macy’s closed?”

“No, but there were a lot of girls in there, and they looked like they might try and rip my pants off if I got too close, so I wound up in Hot Topic.”

“But aren’t there girls in Hot Topic, too? Only fatter, in more black, with more piercings, and much paler?”

He could hear Sasuke’s footsteps as he traveled towards the nearby bookstore, “Yeah, but the creepy ones just stare.”

“Right, right.”

“So what word am I looking up?”

“I need to know what a fetish is. Kakashi-sensei says that Hinata probably has a few of them, which means she might be a collector, or something.”

Sasuke chuckled, “Ah, I see. Looking to get her a gift, or something?”

“Sort of,” Naruto sat back down on the bench, “I just broke things down, a little, and I think I need to spend some time with her. I figure a fetish might help break the ice, a little.”

“Alright, I got a dictionary. Hang on, let me look.....Ok, fetish. A fetish is an inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers. .....Weird. Should I check out the other definitions?”

“Nah,” Naruto waved off the notion, “The first definition is always the best one. The others are just like icing on the cake.”

“I thought you liked icing?”

“I do, but I don’t like reading. So I just need to get Anko to share her fetishes with me. Easy as one, two, three.”

Sasuke put the book back on the shelf, then said, “I don’t think getting Anko involved is a very good idea. Or a very bad idea. I do think it’s a very horrible idea, though. Why don’t you just buy her a fetish?”

“That’s not a bad idea. Go ahead and ask the bookstore person if they sell them! If they do, I’ll be right over.”

“Do I have to? It’s a girl, and she’s been staring at me the entire time I’ve been in here.”

Naruto had no time for Sasuke’s hesitance, “Yeah, come on! Just ask her, real quick, help a guy out.”

Sasuke was off of the walkie for a couple of minutes, but he came back with a surprising answer, “Ok, so I asked her, and she said they didn’t sell fetishes. The good news is that she sells fetishes at her house, and she said I could come over for them. The bad news is that she doesn’t get off work until nine. .....Do you know what katoptronophilia is, by the way?”

“Uh, no.”

“What about dippoldism?”

“You wanna check the dictionary for them?”

Sasuke groaned, “No, I don’t care that much. But what do you want to do? Check out what this lady’s got?”

“I don’t know. Hinata might already have dippoldism, I wouldn’t want to give her something she’s already got.....”

“Hinata probably has mysophilia. That’s the other fetish this lady told me she had. It’d probably be a waste of time, you’re right.”

Naruto rose from the bench and stretched. He then asked, “What’s mysophilia?”

“I don’t know,” Sasuke replied, “It just sounds more Hinata than dippoldism.”

“Well, I’m going to get help from Anko, then.”

“No, I really think no. Look, why don’t you just.....sort of sneak in there and borrow one or two? Permanently? If she has a bunch of fetishes, she probably won’t miss them if one or two go missing, right?”

“Are you gonna help me out, or what? I’ll do it your way if you come with me.”

“I’ll be there at six.”

“Six it is.”


-----Author’s other note: Credit for this new little mini-arc goes to Ambrant Arandel, who made the suggestion way back in the day, for chapter three or four. And for the doubters out there, the definition I gave for fetish is the definition in my dictionary. Now for a quick explanation of the fetish terms I used up in here:

1. Katoptronophilia is the fetish for mirrors, and the things that are reflected in the mirrors. Kinky.

2. Dippoldism is basically a spanking fetish, or a fetish concerning the disciplinary smacking of adolescents. I think. I did not know what any of these terms meant, ten minutes ago. I also don’t advocate this fetish. More so than the other ones I don’t advocate.

3. Mysophilia is the one I would recommend not looking up. Especially if there are pictures involved. I didn’t know there was such a smart sounding word for such a.....dirty fetish. No pun intended.

Hot Topic sucks.

Lastly, I have received several emails (Only one, recently) and a couple of reviews asking me to include Tayuya. I can’t see a realistic way to include her. That’s the problem. So if you want to see her show up, well, unless you have some banging ideas, I’m afraid you’re out of luck, because I don’t have anything in mind for her, myself.

Thanks for reading.....-----