Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Fetish? What's A Fetish? ❯ Sasuke Vs. The Jonas Brothers? ( Chapter 18 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

-----Author’s note: My friends, there are two things I have to say! Firstly, I would like to thank you all for helping me reach that incredible plateau of over a thousand reviews! I feel like I’m in an elite group now, even though it’s only in my head. The one thousandth review was given by Akakoken! You win! ...Something. I guess. Secondly, I realized that I stopped writing this story shortly before I landed myself a kickass girlfriend. So I’ve been dating her for a year-and-a-half now, devoting my attention to her almost exclusively rather than my duties as a writer. We all must keep this story from her at all costs! Seriously, I don’t want her to think I’m any more perverted than she already does. Yeah, anyway...I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----


“Star, I’m sorry. I just can’t forgive you for what you did to me.”

“Estevan, please! I told you already, I thought he was you!”

Looking away dramatically, the ridiculously well-built man with the tan of a Mocha God whispered, “I’m just so hurt...I don’t think we can ever be what we were...”

Star, big shimmering tears in her eyes, reached out and grabbed his arm. Her slender form and amazingly unrealistic and sprayed on beauty belied her surprising strength. She pulled her ex-lover towards her, saying, “I love you. Can’t you still love me?”

“Estevan, noooo!” Sasuke yelled at the screen, “She’ll only hurt you again!”

“All Your Children will be back, after this word from our sponsors,” One of the flagship characters announced.

It was at this very pivotal point that Naruto entered the hospital room, shouting, “Sasuke, man, are you alright?”

From his bed the Uchiha laughed weakly, “Yeah, yeah, tone it down. I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“What the crap happened to you?” The hyperactive ninja demanded. “You never showed up at the apartment, and the next day they tell me you’re in the hospital!”

Groaning, Sasuke responded, “Lee happened.”

“Bushy brows?”

“Yeah. The little bug-eyed jerkoff jumped me after I left Anko’s place. Said he wanted revenge for Gai’s defeat by Kakashi.”

“We didn’t even do anything, though!”
“Thank you, voice of reason,” The prodigy agreed, “That’s what I said. He wasn’t having any of it, though.”

Naruto shook his head in clear disappointment, “What a joke. Even worse, he beat you! If you could stop thinking about clearance shopping for five freaking minutes you would have clobbered him!”

“First,” Sasuke snapped, “Shut the hell up. Second, times are hard and when you need to stretch your money to make ends meet, you hit the bargain bins and turn up the thrift. How much did you pay for that eyesore orange jacket?”

“Wh-What does that have to do wi-”

“Answer the question!”

“Like, sixty bucks, or something. I don’t remember...”

Sasuke scoffed, “Ha, pathetic. Your skills are weak. I found the same jacket on clearance at Konoha Eagle for twelve bucks. Eighty percent off.”

Naruto gasped, utterly shocked by this twist of evilness, “No way! Konoha Eagle is really expensive! They charge, like, eighty dollars for a pair of jeans! That already has holes in them!” He briefly wondered why people bought jeans like that. They were manufactured to suck. They came off the line defective. Would you buy a glass that came pre-cracked? A tv that came with pre-burned images onto it? Underwear that came pre-stained? No. No you wouldn’t. You know, unless you liked crappy merchandise. ...Literally.

“Like I said,” Sasuke scoffed, “Your skills are weak. Besides, Lee didn’t beat me. He’s in the next room over,” The ninja tilted his head in the general direction.

Not sure whether to feel bad for his bedridden buddies, or proud of them, Naruto asked, “Well, what about the fetish? Where is it?”

“Aha, yeah, that thing...” The Uchiha grimaced a little, “It kind of vaporized in the fight. A little. You know, fireball jutsu and all that. Sorry.”

“Aw, dammit!” The blonde stomped, “I was riding on that to break the ice...Hinata’s so...quiet. It’s hard to talk to her.”

“Well, dude,” Sasuke shrugged, “You wanna practice on me, some? I hate talking, anyway, so I can be quiet.” He wouldn’t admit it, but he felt a little guilty for destroying the odd instrument he had picked up. It was like a bishop chess game piece, only the bishop was wearing three hats.

Naruto shook his head, “No, I can’t talk to you like you’re Hinata. I won’t be able to take it seriously.”
A couple of hand signs and a puff of smoke later, Sasuke had transformed into the spitting image of Hinata. “How about now?”

The blonde hesitated, then observed, “You know it seems like you’ve been transforming into girls a lot, lately.”

“And I don’t mind telling you it feels awesome,” Sasuke declared. He cleared his throat, and when next he spoke he sounded just like the Hyuuga, “Naruto-kun, did you want to talk to me?”

Full of doubt and a strange desire to puke, the genin just couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry, Sasuke, I just can’t do this with you. There’s something not right about it.”

After thinking for a second, the Uchiha thought he found the missing piece. “N-Naruto-kun, d-did you want t-to talk to m-me?” He had to have a near debilitating stuttering problem!

Surprised at how much this changed his mind about the proposed plan, Naruto finally said, “I...I was just wondering if we could spend a little time together, today. You know, if you’re not busy with anything...”

“W-With you, Naruto-kun? R-Really?” Hinata asked, turning red and fidgeting like she had bugs crawling around in her panties. Oh Shino, you and your bug’s misadventures!

“Yeah!” The blonde pumped his fists, “We can go get ramen at Mr. Ichiraku’s, or something. How’s that sound?”

“A-Actually, Naruto-kun, I...I don’t really like ramen...”

You know in those cartoons where it shows a character’s face, and then like they were looking in a mirror the screen cracks and falls apart in shock? Maybe add a little color inverting? That’s what happened to Naruto, right here.

“Y-You don’t like ramen? Are you serious!? Don’t pull my leg, here!”

Looking away almost indignantly, Hinata said, “I-I want to spend some t-time with you, Naruto-kun, but I don’t want to get any r-ramen.”

“Why the heck not? Maybe you just haven’t given it a chance!” Naruto grabbed onto her shoulders and started shaking her, “You have to let it in! LET IT IN, HINATA! Let it love you!”

“N-Naruto-kun, stop! You’re hurting me! G-Get away from me!” Hinata shoved him away, then turned back into Sasuke. “Oh, yeah, you’re gonna knock her dead, slugger.”

Naruto was on the ground, sobbing and pounding the ground with his fist, “Hinata...Why...Why won’t you let the ramen love you?”

Sasuke stopped short of his brilliantly witty comment when Asuma walked into the room. “Thought I’d found you in here, kid. ...Didn’t think I’d find you looking like you just found out that drunken mistake from a month ago was late. And somehow had your number.”

“What the heck does that mean?” Sasuke asked.

“Guess that’s a little over your head. Don’t worry, you’re good looking and full of angst and family problems. You’ll learn in ten years or so.” The jounin scooped Naruto up off of the ground, “I’ve got something I need to talk to you about, though.”

Still whimpering about how the noodles only wanted to caress Hinata’s pleasure centers, Naruto vanished from Sasuke’s sight. The boy in the bed grinned to himself, “Damn straight I’m good looking. Stupid Jonas Brothers. You can’t touch this shit.”

-

“I’m in a bar. Again,” Naruto observed, climbing onto the stool Asuma beckoned to. “I wonder if this is starting to say something about me...”

“Nah, I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” The jounin reassured him, “So long as you’re not drinking, it’s fine.”

One chocolate milk and a scotch later, the two dug in for what could only be described as an awkward conversation.

“Naruto,” Asuma started, “I think we need to have a talk. ...No, wait, that’s not true. I know we need to have a talk.”

“Is it about the last mission?”

Asuma shook his head, “No, it’s not about that. Thanks for the tipoff about the clothes, though. I can’t even tell you what kind of night I had.”

Naruto took a sip of his orgasmically delicious drink, realizing that orgasmically wasn’t actually a word. And that he didn’t know what the base word, orgasm, meant. He set the mug down and laughed, “Yeah, I can’t even tell you how many of those nights I’ve had, lately.”

Chuckling a little bit, Asuma nodded, “I had a feeling you’d say something like that, kid. That’s kind of what we need to talk about.”

“A lot of it I’d rather not talk about,” The genin admitted sheepishly, “Some of it’s pretty messed up, when you get down to the truth of it.”

“Sorry, Naruto, but I have to ask you a question. Can you give me an honest answer?”

The young one looked at the older one and said, “I can promise to try.”

Figuring that was all he could really ask for, Asuma asked, “What do you think of Sakura?”

“Oh, wow,” The blonde exhaled and looked away, “I don’t really know. Sometimes I think I am completely lost in love with her, and others I feel like all I want is to be friends. To tell you the truth, she confuses me real bad.”

“Well, I’m gonna level with you. I saw you climb out of her window, yesterday.” Naruto tried to interject, but Asuma held up a hand to silence him, “Look, I’m not one to judge and what you do is your own business. But I’ll offer you these words of wisdom; People always told me be careful what you do. Don’t go around breaking young girl’s hearts. Mother always told me, be careful who you love. Be careful what you do before the lie becomes the truth!”

Naruto started in, softly at first, “Billie Jean is not my lover...She’s just a girl who says that I am the one...But the kid is not my son!”

Asuma downed his scotch and stood up, belting it out, now, “She says I am the one! But the kid is not my son!”

The bartender started in, “For forty days and forty nights, the law was on her side...Who can stand when she’s in demand? Her schemes and her plans? ‘Cause we danced on the floor in the round...”

A dishwasher in the back stepped out into the bar and sung aloud, “So take my strong advice...And remember to always think twice! Do think twice...”

A random woman abandoned her drink and raised her voice, “She told my baby that we danced ‘till three, then she looked at me...She showed a photo my baby cried! His eyes were like mine!”

“Oh no!” One of the other bar-goers added, his timing flawless.

“‘Cause we danced on the floor in the round, baby!”

Naruto and Asuma jumped up onto the bar, sending glasses and liquid spilling all over. “People always told me be careful what you do! Don’t go around breaking young girls hearts! Then she stood right by me, the smell of her sweet perfume! This happened much too soon, but she called me to her room!”

The entire bar burst into harmonious pop rock, “Billie Jean is not my lover! She’s just a girl who says that I am the one! But the kid is not my son!”
The rest of the bar continued to sing, but Naruto stopped when he felt a bright light shine down upon him. He looked up, squinting a little to make out what was above him. It was a vision of Michael Jackson, smiling warmly down upon them and their performance. Naruto, in awesome guy slow motion mode, thumped his chest with his fist two times and then pointed up at the fallen pop icon, returning the smile. Michael, in creepy guy slow motion mode, licked his lips suggestively while rubbing his nipples. Naruto cringed a little, shrinking away from the vision.

“Hey, Naruto, you listening?” Asuma snapped the boy out of his daydream.

“Uh, yeah,” The blonde looked around nervously, fearing the apparition of his spacing out might return, “Sorry. It’s just been awhile since I heard any of Michael’s lyrics.”

“Yeah, corny, I know. Quote a song to get my point across. But I think there’s a lot of truth in them. Don’t go around breaking young girl’s hearts, Naruto. And watch out, because you never know when something that isn’t true can turn into something that is.” Asuma raised his hand to get a second drink, “Do you follow me?”

After using the power of thought for a moment, Naruto replied, “I guess you’re telling me that I need to be careful who I do what with. Even though I don’t mean any harm...I guess I can still do some. Is that right?”

“That’s the gist of it, yeah,” The jounin replied, patting Naruto on the back. “Just don’t go jerking people around. If you don’t have feelings for Sakura, or if you’re not really sure, then should you really be climbing in and out of her window?”

“I guess that’s not really fair, no. But how am I supposed to figure it out if I don’t do those things?”

“What, the window climbing?”

“No,” The blonde shook his head, “I mean...kiss her, and touch her, and stuff like that. That’s what those sort of feelings are about, right?”

Asuma accepted his newly refilled drink with the tip of his head to the bartender. “No, not really.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“Well, yeah. Feelings like that...the kind where you want to touch someone and kiss them, those are complicated feelings. Normal, but complicated. You said sometimes you felt like you were crazy in love with her, but you know what? If I were to describe love to you, I wouldn’t even talk about those kinds of feelings.”

Naruto had a hard time digesting this. As such, he asked, “What do you mean? If you don’t want to touch and kiss them, then how is it love? Isn’t that what I’ve been learning about this whole time? Iruka-sensei said that to do sex with someone, you have to love them. To love someone, you have to like the way they look, and the way they act. That’s what love between two people is, right?”

“Ah, Naruto...” Asuma sighed. He lit up a cigarette and perched it between his lips, “Love doesn’t have a damned thing to do with looks. Sex has to do with looks. The two are real different, and a lot of the time they don’t even come close to each other.”

The troubled ninja recalled that was almost the exact same thing that Kakashi had said to him only the other day. ‘Kakashi took Naruto’s arm and set him down on a nearby bench. He sat beside him, “Naruto, love is really, really complicated. It’s only made more complicated when you try and factor in sex, like what you’re basically doing. Honestly, I think the two should be kept as far apart as possible.”’

“I kind of figured that all of the ‘learning’ you were doing might have this sort of affect on you...” The jounin took a draft of his cigarette, holding in the smoke for a few seconds before exhaling, “You don’t have to love someone to have sex with them, you just have to want it. I mean, let’s take Lindsay Lohan for a second. I hate that stupid bitch. But would I have sex with her? You name the day and the time, I will show up early, butt naked with oil and whipped cream. But when you love someone, I mean really love someone, it won’t matter to you what they look like. You’ll sleep with them even if they have fish-eyes and weigh five-hundred pounds. And when love is involved, sex isn’t your main concern. The physical aspect of the relationship is, of course, still important, but it won’t be this kind of problem that you’ve been trying to figure out. ...Is this making any sense to you at all?”

“I think so,” Naruto mumbled, mulling everything over. “Does this mean that the only reason people do sex is because it...uh...”

“Because, Naruto,” Asuma let out another cloud of smoke, “It is the greatest feeling thing on the planet. But I’ll tell you one last thing about it before I change the subject. And this is the most important thing I have to say about sex.” The inexperienced genin looked up at the wise jounin, and the older man met his gaze with eyes that said he believed with the utmost certainty that what he was saying was the honest truth. “When you’re ready for it, sex is great. And it’s that easy for me to say it. But I could sit here for the next fifty years and never find a way to describe what it’s like to make love to someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.”

In that one shiny moment, Naruto stopped worrying about everything that was bothering him. Sakura, Hinata, Anko, Ino, sex, love, crushes, the fact that he hadn’t had ramen in the last twenty-four hours. That was the real power of not a jounin, but an adult. To dispel the worries of someone younger with the wisdom that had been attained over a lifetime of trial and error.

“You’re a good sensei,” Naruto said, flashing a genuine smile, “Shikamaru, Choji, and Ino are lucky.”

“Thanks,” Asuma grinned back at the boy, “But that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Huh? What?”

“It’s about Ino.”

“What about her?”

“Like how I asked you about Sakura, what do you think about Ino?”

The blonde, not real sure how this had much to do with anything, pondered over the girl. “Well, she’s a pervert. And she’s loud, and sometimes she gets violent like Sakura. In fact, they’re a lot alike, even though I bet they’d never admit it. I know she’s nuts about Sasuke, so she probably hopes that I do go for Sakura so she won’t have as much competition.”

“Is that really what you think about her?” The jounin asked, extinguishing the last little bit of his cigarette in the ashtray before him.

“Yeah, pretty much. I haven’t spent too much time with her, to be honest.”

“Maybe you should,” Asuma surprised his younger company with that suggestion, “I think Ino could help you out more than anyone else, maybe even more than me.”

“Pssh,” Naruto scoffed, “The last time Ino tried to be helpful she baited Sakura into a mean bet, and the time before she made me look at naked men in her books!”

Frowning, Asuma asked, “Really? I-I mean, uh...Look, what I mean is that there’s a lot more to Ino than the things you told me. Trust me, I’m her master, I would know. There are a lot of layers. ...Sort of like an onion.”

“Are we quoting Shrek, now?”

“Shut up. Anyway, once you pull one back, you find another one and learn something new. I’ll tell you right now, you’re not the only one looking for answers so far as love and sex go.”

Surprised, Naruto started, “You mean Ino...”

Asuma nodded, “Well, I might have said too much. Just know that Ino is my pupil, and I love her like a daughter. If I see she’s struggling, of course I’m going to help her. I think that you two have a lot to learn from each other, and that you could be great friends if you gave each other the chance. Ha, that’s all I’ve got. I’m sure you’re busy and all, so sorry for eating at so much of your day. Now go on,” The jounin shooed Naruto off, “Get out of here.”

The genin, having finished his chocolate milk, hopped off of the stool and started towards the door. “Thanks for everything, Asuma-sensei,” He called over his shoulder, which felt a lot lighter than it had for quite awhile. The weight of his problems were slowly chipping away. “Oh,” He stopped just short of opening the door, “When I do go to meet a girl, what’s something I should bring with me to help break the ice?”

Asuma sent him a smile. He knew just what Ino would like, “In my experiences...I’ve never gone wrong with flowers.”

-

The Yamanaka flower shop. A place our blonde buddy never thought he’d willingly go. Yet, here he was, opening up the door and strutting in like he owned the place. He had some flowers to buy, and he saw some flowers that looked like they needed buying! ...Only, wow, there were a lot of them. Like, seriously, how was he supposed to pick? That many. Immediately crushed by his own ineptitude, the ninja went up to the counter to get some help. Who else should be there but...

“Ino!” Naruto exclaimed, surprised to see her. Yes, surprised even though her family owned the shop. Good job, Uzumaki! “What are you doing here?”

‘Wow, you win the prize for most insensitive, stupid jerk of the year!’ Ino thought, her blood starting to boil, “I work here, dummy!” She snapped, “But what the heck are you doing here?”

“W-Well...” The boy suddenly felt a little uncomfortable, “I’m here to get some flowers. Hey, why don’t you help me out, here? What are your favorites?”

So surprised was she that she almost forgot she was angry at him, Ino stuttered, “M-Mine? Why do you care what mine are?”

With an apologetic smile, the boy said, “Come on, don’t make me beg!”

Ino stared at him for a second, but soon felt her face heating up and had to avert her eyes in embarrassment. She walked around the counter and up to a little bouquet of flowers, which she picked up. “These are cosmos,” She said, smelling them, “I think they’re my favorite. The prettiest of the fall.”

“Wow, you sure know how to pick ‘em!” Naruto laughed, not really sure what made the normal looking flowers more special than anything else in the store. “I’ll take ‘em!”

Ino rung the flowers up, her curiosity building up to the point she had to ask, “Are these...for Sakura?”

“Huh?” Naruto’s mouth fell open, “No, they’re not.”

“R-Really? Then...” She thought for a second. He wasn’t going to give them to her, was he? When she thought about it, though, it did seem like he might! He asked her what her favorites were, after all, so maybe it was just a clever set up! She started to feel anxious. She hoped he couldn’t see it...
“They’re for Hinata.”

Ino froze, the flowers half-extended to Naruto.

“H-Hinata?”

“Yep. I’m going to ask her to spend the day with me, so I needed something to give her when I got there. Sasuke helped me get something, at first, but it sort of got ruined. He’s in the hospital right now, you know! Don’t worry, though, he’s alright. I know how much you obsess over him,” The blonde trailed off into laughter. He grabbed the flowers and turned to leave.

Ino stood there, not sure what to feel. Jealous, surely. Angry, yes. Sad? Definitely. She was also embarrassed to think that maybe the flowers had been for her. How stupid was that? What a joke. Come on, she was a looker! She had turned down two other people just this month! Why get so worked up over one blonde idiot that up until recently she would have walked all over? He was like a doormat! She should be wiping the mud off of her boots on that jerk! You know what? She should purposely step in dog crap and then wipe that off on him, too!

“Hey, hold still...” Naruto turned back around and got up in Ino’s face. He stuck one of the cosmos in her hair, then backed off smiling wide. “There. It looks good on you.”

Confused, Ino just replied, “Y-Yeah...”

“I talked to Asuma this morning, and he told me that you were going through a lot of the same things I was. You know, about the sex and love and all that kind of weird stuff. Maybe we could uh...” He rubbed the back of his neck shyly, deciding to repeat Asuma’s earlier words, “You know, get together some time and hang out. I bet we could be good friends if we gave each other a chance.”

What was this? He was buying flowers to go and see Hinata, but then saying something like this to her? In the most sure voice she could muster up, Ino said, “What’s this all of a sudden? You’re going off to see one girl, but you’re asking out another? I don’t want friends like that!”

“Hey, hey!” Naruto started defensively, “I’m not going out with Hinata, and I’m definitely not asking you out! There are some things I need to talk to Hinata about, that’s all. Geez...”

“Well if that’s the case,” Ino grinned, feeling a little better, “Then I guess we could hang out sometime.”

“Sure thing!” Naruto laughed, “Someone left two cups of ramen outside my door the other day. We could eat those, and talk about everything we’ve learned! Maybe even train!”

A little put off, Ino said, “Y-Yeah, that sounds good! You know, except for the training part.”

On his way out of the store, Naruto couldn’t help but feel a little differently towards Ino. She actually agreed to eat ramen and hang out with him? Maybe it was just like Asuma said, after all. Peel back a layer, learn something new. He didn’t have time to give the perverted blonde much thought, though. He had a mission, and it was one that he felt many people had been heavily anticipating for a long, long time! Even though Sasuke and he were the only ones currently clued in. He was going to go and meet up with Hinata Hyuuga!


-----Author’s other note: As of right now, it is two days after I posted the previous chapter. I’ve got a burning desire to write! I’m going to restrain myself, though, and try to spread out updates a little instead of posting as soon as I finish. ...You know, to prevent that whole one-and-a-half-year update thing. And don’t worry; If you think Asuma is killing the potential humor for the rest of this story, you are wrong. For there is someone who has been lurking in the darkness this whole time...Also, our poor buddy needs a strong male figure in his life! Kakashi isn’t cutting it, and Iruka isn’t too prominent, right now.

I’m starting to feel bad for Ino. It’s almost like everything I do leads to something negative happening to her. I don’t mean to!

The song in Naruto’s little daydream was, of course, Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. I’m not a Michael hater, either. I’m listening to Billie Jean, right now. As far as all of the controversy...Uh, no comment, there. (Also, I like Chris Cornell’s take on Billie Jean. Check it out, sometime!)

Thanks for reading...-----