Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Fetish? What's A Fetish? ❯ They're Anachronistically Delicious! ( Chapter 20 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

-----Author’s note: All of the bookstores near me and even the ones not quite so near me are closing! I guess I’ll just buy everything over the computer now. Still makes me sad, though. Oh, heads up, a couple parts of this chapter are kind of gross. At least I thought so. Which means they are. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----


“I just got out of the hospital...”

“Oh, right, sorry. I forgot that the world revolves around you and that you were still a dreamy-eyed little girl.” Tsunade reached under her desk and produced two posters. One of the Jonas Brothers, and the other of a pink unicorn. “Now, which one would you like? It’s ok, princess, don’t rush.”

Sasuke, cursing Nick and his glorious curly locks, asked, “Have you been rehearsing this?”

“For the last hour or so, yeah. It was definitely worth it.” The Hokage stashed the two posters back beneath her desk and continued. “The mission should be a simple one. Key word being ‘should’.”

“Where are the other two members? You already fill them in?”

“Actually, you’re going to be meeting up with them. The three man cell was sent on a reconnaissance mission to the West, in the Land of Sound. They were discovered and attacked. One of them was killed. The other two managed to take a captive we believe has intimate knowledge of Orochimaru’s whereabouts. You are to bring the captive here where we will...interrogate them.

The Uchiha nodded. “Where am I supposed to meet them?”

The woman motioned him over and showed him the map laid out on the desk. Illustrating with her fingers as she spoke, she said, “This is where they were sent, and this is where they retreated to after the attack. They established a secure line and contacted me from here. That’s where you’re going to meet them and pick up the captive.”

“It should take me about seven hours to get there.”

Tsunade nodded, “I know. I’m not expecting you to make it back, tonight. You’ll have to stop to rest roughly halfway back.”

“Why don’t I just rest where the other two established the secure line? Then we can make the trip back in one go, be here by nightfall tomorrow.”

“Sounds like you misunderstood a couple of things. Firstly, the two jounin won’t be coming back with you. They have to cover up the fight they had and finish the mission they were given. You’ll be escorting the captive alone. Secondly, I need you to get this person here as soon as possible, so you will leave immediately. Tomorrow morning is better than tomorrow night. Thirdly, I’m the boss. This is an important assignment. I wouldn’t give it to you if I didn’t think you could do it.” She folded the map up and motioned towards the door. “Now get going. They’re waiting for you.” Tsunade, ignoring the grunt of a reply she was given, waited until the sound of her company’s footsteps had vanished before pulling out the poster of the Jonas Brothers. “Oh, Nick,” She spoke softly, breathlessly. “I’m sorry I used you like that...” With the grace of a ballroom dancer (or a ninja, whichever) she swished across the room and locked the door. “But let me make it up to you by letting you use me,” She whispered playfully, sliding out of her top.

-

‘That must be the place,’ Sasuke thought, skulking around the building several times before deciding it was clear to approach. The building itself was rather nondescript. An old abandoned outpost it looked like. The only thing that seemed to give it any worth was that it did was indeed connected to the nearby telephone poles. The ninja marveled momentarily at how even out here in the middle of an untamed forest, people still managed to string up telephone lines. The human spirit really was an amazing thing. Able to overcome any challenge, brave any danger, triumph over every...something. ...Whatever, he didn’t even care, anymore.

Sure that the coast was clear, Sasuke knocked on the door. A moment later, a woman’s voice asked him what the password was. The words ‘let me the hell in’ briefly crossed his mind, but he thought better. “I wasn’t given one.”

“Good, there isn’t one,” The woman replied. The door opened a bit, and a pretty face peeked through. Sasuke didn’t much appreciate this, however. His eyes were immediately pulled up to her headband. It was the symbol of Sound. “Hello, love.” The woman’s hand burst through the door and gripped him by the collar, her nails scraping at his neck. The old door broke apart as she pulled him through it. Somewhat dazed from the surprise attack, Sasuke only just managed to kick the woman in the chest and push himself free. A back flip later and he was standing before the shattered door, while she was on the opposite end of the room.

A cursory glance around the room told showed the young ninja that he was alone. The two jounin were motionless, dead. Their clothes were strewn all around the room, and claw marks raked across their exposed flesh. There didn’t appear to be any blood, oddly enough. Their faces were twisted into near frightening smiles. The only odd thing about the room was the scent that filled the air. He had never smelled it, before, and wasn’t sure what it was. The closest thing he could equate it to was...well...poop.

“What did you do to them?” He asked harshly, motioning to his fallen allies.

The Sound ninja grinned wickedly, “I raped ‘em, killed ‘em, then raped ‘em some more! You know, only a little after the killing part, ‘cause they started getting stiff and corpsey, but yeah.”

“You’re insane!”
“Am I? Everything’s going according to plan, so far. I killed one of the stupid bastards, then let the other two capture me. They thought I might tell where lord Orochimaru is! And now you’re here.”

“So you do know?”

The pink-haired woman snarled, “Probably riding Jirobo’s fat ass like a little kid on that God-damned one-cent-pony at Meijer’s.” She did her best to suppress her rage at that inconsiderate mom who kept putting more pennies in so her kid could keep riding, even though she herself had been waiting so patiently! One day she’d find that whore and then it would be time to stick seven damned pennies in her! Only the pennies would be really sharp, and not pennies at all.

“Quit reminiscing about painful childhood memories,” Sasuke snapped. “Tell me where Orochimaru is and maybe, maybe, I’ll bring you back to Konoha without breaking your arms.”

“Aw, but how could I play a song for you without my arms?” Before he could react, his enemy had brought a flute to her lips, and had begun to play a song. As if on cue, well over ten naked women entered the room. Not only were they naked, Sasuke noted, but they were naked AND famous. Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, Allesandra Ambrosio, Kelly Brook, Megan Fox, and Erin Andrews to name a few of them.

“Oh, this is just too much,” He said, stating the obvious. Within a second, they were upon him.

-

Jiraiya, wherever he was, felt a tear roll down his cheek. The woman he was currently with asked him what was wrong, but he shunned her, turning away. “I’m suddenly... unexplainably... unbelievably... jealous.”

Thousands of perverted men of all ages around the world felt the same way, turning away from their women for the visions of ones they could never attain. For reasons they never would be able to fully explain.

-

One Megan Fox punched in the face later, all of the women lay around him. Still naked, but much more unconscious than they had been, before. They all vanished once the Sound ninja stopped playing, unable to believe that her attack had failed. “How is it possible? How did a horny little teenaged dickweed like you resist that attack? Even the most hardened jounin fall to that! ...After becoming more hardened. You really are something else...Your will is amazing...”

“Man, I hated that bitch in Transformers,” Sasuke felt immeasurably better after dishing out some critic justice. “She didn’t even do that good of a job, she just had to look pretty. ...Oh, right, my will. It was easy, I just kept telling myself they’re all whores!” The Uchiha said this as he spread out his arms like Dr. Manhattan, only decidedly less awesomely. “Well, actually, I guess that’s not necessarily true or fair for me to say, but that’s what I did, anyway. Not to mention how anachronistic they are. Seriously, do we even have ESPN? Erin Andrews? Really?”

“You know you take all of the fun out of it when you say things like that, you little f@#$o!”

“F@#$o? Who the hell says that?”

“And now you’re ripping off Army of Two. Talk to me about anachronistic.”

Sasuke, realizing that they were ruining the continuity of the story by pointing out flaws everyone no doubt ignored for the sake of the story, quickly changed the topic. “You have anything else you wanna throw at me, or are you ready to come quietly?”

“I never come quietly,” The ninja replied through a smirk, “Those two found that out the hard way.”

“Yeah, come, double-entendre, you’re hilarious.” Sasuke rolled his eyes. “If you’re not gonna cooperate then we’ll do this the hard way!”

And so an epic battle raged on for what felt like an eternity. The trees in the forest withered and died and grew back only to die a second, more painful death. Nearby mountains crumbled, but the rubble was pushed back together by their awe-inspiring power. Only when they were beset upon by rogue samurai did the ninja join forces temporarily to fight and destroy the rogue army, draining them of most of their strength. Over the course of the battle, young Sasuke learned that the woman’s name was Tayuya. While they sought shelter from the raining arrows in the covered trenches they had dug outside of the abandoned outpost, they learned a lot about each other and their fears, hopes, and dreams. As they fought and bled alongside one another, they formed a mutual respect for each other. That night, once victory was their’s, that respect and admiration turned to something else. Slowly, strangely, their feelings for one another evolved into something more. Something softer, kinder. Under the stars, surrounded by their fallen enemies, the two warriors embraced each other and-

“Ok, seriously, I get it, shut the f@#$ up!”

Sasuke, dragging the tied up Tayuya behind him, stopped his narrative and shrugged. “But wouldn’t it have been cooler if it had happened like that? I mean, sure, I beat you up. Even after you let loose that seal of yours. And that’s great, I’m awesome, I know. But really, I wish it had been a little more interesting. You would think ninja’s fighting would be cool, but it gets kind of repetitive after awhile.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better, smart ass, you can tell it like that.”

“...Even the love-making part I didn’t get to?”

“Especially that part.”

“...Even if it was a little awkward at first?”

“It was a little awkward in your fantasy?”

“I’m a realist.”

And so the young prodigy went as far as he was able to reasonably go with his captive and stopped when he was confident he had arrived at a safe enough place. He had crossed the border back into the Land of Fire, and that thought alone bolstered his spirits. Still, wanting to play it safe, he went without a campfire and used the leftover rope he had to tie the already bound ninja to a nearby tree.

“You know this really is unnecessary. I already told you, I’m out of energy after breaking my seal, and you destroyed my flute. You’re just being a dick at this point.”

“And you’re a foul-mouthed harpy. I won’t make any mistakes, especially any that might leave me like those jounin you did in.” Tayuya swallowed her pun, looking away indignantly. “So...tell me about that seal you have, anyway.”

“I’m not telling you shit,” The woman shot back.

“Well that’s great, I don’t want to know anything about that. ...Oh, wait, yes I do. That smell back at the outpost...what was that?”

“Smell?”

The Konoha ninja nodded the affirmative. “I’d never smelled anything like that. Was it some sort of poison, or narcotic? The closest thing I can compare the scent to is...fecal matter.”

Suddenly, the woman started to laugh as hard as if she had just heard the funniest joke in the world whilst being tickled hard and trying to take a drink (because everything is somehow funnier and harder not to laugh at when you’re taking a drink). This went on until Sasuke felt a little uncomfortable and that he was being made fun of. Finally, Tayuya asked, “You’ve really never smelled that before?”

“No, I thought I’d just ask you to see if you’d laugh at me and be a bitch. Guess what!?”

Still laughing, the pink-haired ninja said, “That’s what sex smells like, genius.”

“...What?” Sasuke suddenly wished that Naruto was there with him. He didn’t know how to deal with this crap! It was a lot more intimidating to hear that word by himself, he found.

“Well, think about it. When you have sex with a woman, what do you do?”
“...You put your who-dilly in her foo-foo. Come on, I know this stuff, I’m not a kid.”

She stared at him blank-faced for a moment, then asked, “You sure?”

“...”

“Yeah, well...foo-foo?”

“Oh, shut up!”

After laughing again raucously, Tayuya said, “There’s more to it than that. Let’s see, how do I explain this to an idiot? Well, think of this. Let’s say you take your pecker and stick it into a dry towel and start beating off.” At this point Sasuke’s face went deathly white. “Well, that’s a guaranteed way to get carpet burn for your dick, and that sucks. Nobody wants a burned dick. It’s the same thing for girls. If I stuck a banana up in my cooch and started digging around, well, that’s gonna hurt like hell. Then I’ve got a burning kitty to go along with your fire dick. Everyone’s pissed. Now let’s rewind this friggin’ tape and take it from the top. Instead of jackin’ off with a dry towel, let’s say you squeeze some baby oil or something all over the towel to get it nice and slippery. Now THAT’S good for some lonely and depressing satisfaction. Same thing for girls. Now, when a guy gets turned on, guess what happens?” Sasuke’s eyes started to swim around in his head, much to his torturer’s pleasure. “That’s right, your private stands up and salutes his captain. ...I’ll bet you never asked yourself what happens when a girl gets turned on, did you?”

“I...I...”

“Since girls don’t get stiffies, what happens to them?” She waited for a second, but Sasuke was trembling and seemed unable or unwilling to answer. He feared, in the depths of his stomach, that he knew the answer, though. “That’s right, you little greenhorn. The girl oozes the baby oil to slick up the cock!”

“NO! Y-You’re disgusting! LIAR!”

“It’s the truth and you know it! That smell was poon juice!”

Suddenly, and surprising to both, Sasuke vomited on himself. The two looked at one another in surprise for several long seconds before Tayuya said, “Dude.”

“I-It’s just a-a lot to take in...”

“Yeah, I think you’re gonna need to get used to saying that, you little fruitcake.”

The Uchiha, disturbed and embarrassed though not sure which was the stronger, cleaned himself up as best he could. He had to take his shirt off and hang it to dry after rinsing it with some of the water from his bottle. Eager to turn the conversation away from the fact that he had puked on himself, Sasuke started, “Earlier, before we fought, you said that everything was going according to plan.”

“What, do I look like an open f@#$ing book to you?”

Ignoring her crassness, he finished, “Including my showing up?”

A ghost of a smile traced her lips, but vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. “Yeah. I figured it was a longshot, but hey. They did send you, and you were just who we wanted.”

“Why’s that?”

“Master Orochimaru wants you, that’s why.”

“Wants me for what?”

To our hero’s surprise, bitterness swept over Tayuya’s features, making her strange brand of beauty seem frightening. “He wants to...” When she trailed off, he of course pressed for her to continue. “He wants to...make you his own. To enter into your body.”

“Wh-What? Why me?”

“Don’t get all high and mighty, it doesn’t mean you’re special, or anything...”

“I don’t think it’s special at all! I like being the only one in my body, thanks. ...Now, just to be clear, we’re talking about him transferring his soul or something into my body, thereby destroying me in essence and living in my body, right? Right? ‘Cause he wants my Sharingan eyes? I guess?”

“Like I said, it doesn’t make you special.”

“...Sharingan eyes? ...Please?”

“He enters Jirobo, Kidomaru, Sakon and Ukon all the time. ...He likes how Sakon’s head bounces around when he’s merged in Ukon...”

“I don’t even get that and it’s one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard!”

“Orochimaru, he...he ruined Kimimaro’s body, he entered it so much...Now he’s hospitalized and mostly useless.” Sasuke’s jaw dropped open, so repulsed was he. “But...never me...”

Not sure how to interpret that, Sasuke just took his best swing, “...Orochimaru never enters into you?”

“...No,” The ninja replied sourly.
“...And you’re frustrated by this?”

“...Yes.”

“...Because he enters into those various different males whose names you just listed?”

Tayuya nodded.

“But not you?”

Another nod.

“...And he wants to enter into me?”

Yet another nod.

“...But not for my Sharingan eyes?”

This time, a head shake indicating no.

“Is there at least something I get in return, or is this just a one way street?”

Through clenched teeth, Tayuya responded, “You would be given the seal to give you far greater power than you currently possess.”

“You have a seal and he didn’t enter into you!”

“It was this whole big issue with the unions. They said he needed to have a woman in the group to be eligible for membership. Sexism, or something. I was a random pick.”

“I disrespectfully decline. No one’s getting into my body but me.” At this point, Sasuke got up and approached his captive. He knelt down in front of her and set his headband against hers, their noses just barely touching. His fingers traced up between her breasts and across her collar bone to brush back a strand of hair and finally stop on her neck. “And as far as Orochimaru never entering into you, well...I feel comfortable in calling him a fool.”

Tilting her head back just enough that their lips were a hair’s breadth apart for a moment, Tayuya retorted, “And what are you, then?”

He pushed in on her neck, sending her straight to la-la land. “Guess I’m a fool, too. I told you I wouldn’t make any mistakes.” He untied her and resumed dragging her towards home, all the while promising himself that he would never, ever, ever meet up with Orochimaru. Ever. He wondered how Naruto’s night was going. He had gone off to meet with Hinata, last he recalled...
-----Author’s other note: 1. Sasuke had his own chapter! And now Tayuya will be in Konoha, for better of worse. Lots of people had asked for her, so I guess I’m just being accommodating. Oh well, it’s for you guys, anyway! 2. Of all those women I listed, I know that they are all attractive women, but Kelly Brook is the only one I find myself really attracted to. Mmm...Kelly Brook... 3. Now that we’ve seen Sasuke’s night, we will turn to Naruto’s night. Remember, he’s with Hinata and they’re hunting a tiger. Seriously. 4. I wonder if anyone else wondered about Sasuke puking, and then not too long after being that close to Tayuya. ...Let’s just assume he had mouthwash and used it during the ‘cleaned himself up as best he could’ sentence thingy. Thanks for reading...-----