Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Secret Love ❯ Nothing ( Chapter 9 )

Disclaimer: All original Naruto characters, settings, plot etc. are the property of Masashi Kishimoto. No copyright infringement is intended and I make no profit from this story. …   　 Nothing   ;

My back ached from my position against the door but I refused to move. I couldn’t let him in. Regardless that he was probably still sleeping. I couldn’t risk it. Besides I…I didn’t care that I hurt. It didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care.

I don’t know why I was so tired. But I was. I really was. I wanted nothing more than to sleep. But I couldn’t sleep. Not when he was still here. I was not afraid of him. Now that I lacked intoxication he would stand no chance against me. But still something held me back, pulled me away from him. I really didn’t want to see him. But then…I don’t care. I would see him…except I want to…skip…the annoyance of it? Yes. That would do. I was starting to sound like myself again.

My whole being froze when I heard movement away from the door. There was heavy breathing; a yawn and the scratching of blankets. The sounds stopped for a moment but then continued as they left off. I heard footsteps and water running. Was I holding my breath? Yes, yes I was. Why was I holding my breath? The apartment only had four rooms. The bathroom isn’t exactly an adequate hiding place. Besides, he couldn’t hear me breathing.

I let myself breath for a moment but it sounded so loud to me that I stopped almost in the same instant. I could hold my breath. It was fine. I didn’t need to breathe. I would just listen and wait for him to leave. I didn’t care about breathing. Breathing was for the weak.

The footsteps came closer and I could feel myself shake I was so tightly wound. But then they stopped and there was shuffling of cloth again, but not in the same way and I heard something thud a few times and with each I flinched unintentionally. Then the footsteps receded again and I almost sighed with relief until they came back again. He was playing with me. But oh. I almost forgot myself. I didn’t care. I didn’t care.

I heard loud scratchy sharp noises next. He was in the kitchen then. Definitely the kitchen. I didn’t even feel surprised that it had taken me so long to work out. That was cutlery and dishes. He had been moving between the bedroom and the kitchen. The bedroom and the kitchen. I was going to throw up. I could feel it in my stomach. But I held it. I couldn’t. Too much noise. Too much.

There was another noise shortly after , a burly, thick noise that I thought might be the washing machine. Definitely the washing machine. But then! Oh god. He was coming again. Coming towards me. I was getting light headed. Don’t breath! Don’t move. He won’t know. He won’t know. He won’t know. He won’t know.

The handle pulled down, the door loose and he pushed but the door stayed shut. He pushed again but the door stayed shut. He let the handle go again. Slowly. Slowly. And then…

“Sasuke?”

And then…

“…Sasuke?”

Silence. Silence for so long. Then the footsteps. Away. Away. Darkness. All I could see was darkness. My eyes closed. I didn’t want to breathe but I had to. Too long, much too long. I felt ill. I tried to move to the toilet but my head was spinning. I gasped in the air that I needed too much of. But I was too late and the darkness came again. This time my eyes were not closed. Not yet.

I could hear singing. I recognised the voice, though perhaps not immediately. In fact I almost doubted my instincts, for why should I dream of Sakura? But as I turned where I stood on the white earth and swivelled through the white mist in search of a visual to match the sound, there she was. Sakura stood on a stage, one with flowers and cherry blossoms to surround her, singing into a microphone. Yet there was no audience. No, surely there was nobody here but myself. The sight puzzled me…where was I? …Don’t try to explain your mind, I know what’s happening here…  

“Outoto.” I turned, looking again for a body to match the assumption. Sakura’s song continued while I turned again and again. Though through the heavy mist Sakura’s saddened appearance had vanished. I struggled to pull even my own weight through the thickness of it. …One minute it’s love and, Suddenly, It’s like a battlefield…  

“Outoto,” I turned. Where was he? I could see nothing anymore. Even the sand beneath my feet was too far for the mist to allow. …One word, Turns into a war. Why is it the smallest things, That tear us down…  

“Where…?” I asked, wanting to see him more than anything. Even Sakura’s bleak visage would have helped me understand this dream. It was like no other. The feeling surrounded me. “Where are you…Itachi?!” My body broke into a run and in the next instant I was in a room; a room not unfamiliar to me. And yet it was not the same. It had been too long for me to remember the last time I’d seen my brother’s bedroom look like this. …My world’s nothing when you’re gone, I’m out here without a shield…  

He was standing by the bed, crouching to look underneath. He was younger than me, I realised. The thought sickened me. He must have been only eleven or twelve here. I saw him pull something out from under the bed. It was large and struggling and I knew immediately what it was. I felt even worse when the noise began. The laughter grew and grew until both were in a fit of giggles. Lying on Itachi’s bedroom floor tickling one another. …Can’t go back, Now…  

“There,” he panted, “I found you.” his voice carried such feeling that I had remembered so vividly in other dreams. I stared at myself with apathy though. I had been a foolish child. Playing games, acting up, it had been unnecessary and I wished I had not been so very blind. …Both hands, tied behind my back, for nothing…  

“Aniki! Aniki! Play with me more!” The small body whined, pitifully, climbing over him enthusiastically. But no. “No, no, Sasuke. I have something to do.” At the look on the child’s face, though, Itachi softened. “I’ll play with you again soon, Outoto. I promise.” And I couldn’t watch when he raised two fingers and tapped the boys forehead. With my head turned, I listened on to Sakura’s song. …Oh, no, These times when we climb so fast to fall, Again…  

My head turned back when I felt pressure on my wrist. He was standing in front of me, tears trickling their way down his cheeks. Itachi was alone now and the room faded fast, dissolving into a mist once more. This mist was different though; slightly darker; slightly thinner. He was holding my wrist. I didn’t mind the contact, though I knew very well how I should, but he was so warm. …Why we got to fall for it, Now…

“Itachi…” I tried, prying for the reason behind his upset. It was the only way I’d be free from this dream. The feeling was getting worse with each passing moment. Itachi opened his mouth and began talking, but no words came from his mouth, only silence, yet his mouth continued to move. He seemed like he was saying something important, his face turned strict, like father’s and he pointed behind me. I didn’t want to turn. I knew the moment I did the feeling would grab hold of me. It would grow stronger, I knew. But how else could I escape this dream. How else could I get back to reality. I turned. …I never meant to start a war, You know I never want to hurt you…

I was in a field, the mist was thin enough for me to see but dark enough for me not to make out the entirety of the scene in front of me. There were people. So many people. But not the people I wanted to see. These were the people I never wanted to see in my dreams. All of them. Everyone. …Don’t even know what we’re fighting for…  

My mother, so kind and caring, so lovely, stood next to my father, his shoulders high and mighty, strong and powerful. And proud, so, so proud. My cousins, all stood in a line with their parents behind them. My neighbours, my family. The Uchiha clan.   …Why does love always feel like, A battlefield? A battlefield? A battlefield?…  

Senju Hashirama, the Shodai and founder of the leaf village stood with them, his face emotionless as his depiction on the monument. The Nidaime, his brother at his side - Senju Tobirama. Even Sarutobi Hiruzen stood with them, young as he was in his prime. And Minato. Namikaze Minato. My eyes lingered on him for a moment. He was the only one to smile, and he looked like…he looked so much like Naruto as he stood there with the others. The Hokages. …Why does love always feel like, A battlefield? A battlefield? A battlefield?…  

Orochimaru. He stood with them also. His sneer still firmly in place. His followers behind him. The sound four. Or five, to be more accurate. I recognised Kimimaro standing there, though I had never met him myself. The twins, Sakon and Ukon were there. Jirobu, Kidomaru and that girl Tayuya. …Why does love always feel like…  

Then there were the others, so many others. I saw a man who shared a striking resemblance with Kakashi and thought him to be the father. There were a group from Akatsuki, Hidan and Kakuzu were two of them. Standing between the Hokages and the Uchiha clan were two people, a girl and a boy. They looked young. Only about twelve. Genin. One had goggles on his head, black hair and a huge grin, the other had auburn hair, a rectangle print on each cheek and was looking at the other. They were missing someone. …Can’t swallow our pride, and neither of us, want to raise that flag…  

I turned away from them then. A burning in my chest that I couldn’t explain. The feeling was taking over my mind, I could hardly think. What was this? I looked for my brother but what I found confused me. He was there, only, there were two. Itachi stood harsh and evil, a cloak with clouds covering him and his sharingan spinning next to my brother. My brother was young, twelve or so. He was kind and sorry and crying, he was holding someone by the shoulders. Someone short. Myself. …If we can’t surrender, Then we’re both going to lose what he have, Oh, no…

I couldn’t take my eyes away. But I didn’t have to. They moved apart and there was a mirror, an image of myself. I stood harsh and evil, a cloak with clouds covering me and my sharingan spinning. I looked to Itachi. I looked to my brother. I looked to myself. What was this? I looked back to the mirror but it was gone, instead I could see in the distance. The thick fog was so light now, but so black. There was someone standing there in the distance - an army behind them, just like my army of dead behind me. …both hands, tied behind my back, For nothing…  

It was Naruto. Sakura’s voice grew louder again, cutting through me like an arrow, piercing my chest and a pain so deep began to fester and grow. The feeling bubbled inside me like a plague, tearing and eating its way through me. It was Naruto. …Oh, no, These times when we climb so fast to fall, Again…  

I started walking, drawing closer, my army of death following at an equally slow pace. I wanted speed. I needed to get to him. I wanted some normality here. And I’d never before dreamt of Naruto. Not like this. I began to run, but my movements were so slow, my feet took years to move through the air, my steps seemed messy and hurried but I moved straight with accuracy. Slowly. …Why we got to fall for it, Now…  

I was reaching for him, almost there, I was almost to him. I needed to get to him. It was the only way. The only way to escape from this dream. The feeling was getting worse with each passing moment. I drew closer but my world erupted into a white nothingness and I awoke.

My screams echoed in the empty bathroom, shivers wracked my body and I gasped, thrashing on the floor and struggling over to the wall. I scratched at the tiles and pushed against the cold, hard surface. I tried to catch my breath but the feeling lingered everywhere and I continued to cry.

I continued to scream, not even realising how much I wished Naruto was here with me. I had grown dependant on him to come to me whenever I had this dream. But this time was worse, for so long I had longed to see further into the dream but now that I had it I didn’t want it. The pain within me felt so deep and so real that I needed him. I needed Naruto and he wasn’t here. He wasn’t here. He’d left me alone. But then I remembered.

My screams stopped abruptly and I froze, my fingers paused in their clawing at the wall, my breath caught and I held it. No. No, I had been far too loud, surely he would have heard me. Surely he would know where I was.

But nothing happened. There were no footsteps making their way towards me. There was no movement or noise from outside the room. He wasn’t in the apartment. He wasn’t in the building. Why not? Where was he? It was a Sunday…? Right? Yesterday was Saturday. Yes. Yesterday was Saturday this was Sunday. There were no classes on a Sunday. He should be working but there was no noise. Not a sound from below and not a sound from behind. There was no one here. I was alone.

…That was good. That was a good thing. I didn’t want him to find me. I didn’t want to see him. That bastard. I wanted to be alone. I wanted this. I didn’t want the shame of being found like this, in the mess I was in. I wouldn’t deny that. I didn’t even have to look in a mirror to know I looked like I’d been dragged through hell backwards. The mess on the floor and the stickiness of my lips and neck told me I had vomited on myself, to make matters worse.

At least now I could get a bath. I didn’t have to fear that he would find me. I needed clothes though. And I needed to turn on the water. So I crawled. My legs were too weak to carry me and I’d left my dignity behind for once. I would let myself have this. I would relax for once more. Just once. Just for myself. Just around myself. Nobody was here. Nobody could hurt me.

I crawled to the bedroom to retrieve my clothes but they weren’t there. For a moment I panicked, feeling very bare and very, very vulnerable. But then I remembered. The washing machine. But would they be ready? Usually I would wrap myself in a dressing gown for the time being but I felt far too naked right now to cope with that.  

What had he done? What was he planning? He had probably locked me in…I might not even be able to get out. But then I realised. Don’t be a fool. I’m a Ninja. I could get out of here. But I didn’t want to. I may not have been intoxicated but even I could tell that I was far from the state of mind I needed to be. Get a bath. Wash and you’ll feel better, I told myself. Once I was clean, once all the dirt was gone I would feel better.

So I returned to the bathroom, crawling until I saw something next to the door. Something I’d missed when I had left the room. There was a plate, with toast and butter and a glass of milk sitting there. Innocently enough, but I didn’t touch it. I couldn’t eat anything or I might throw up again. And I would never touch anything he’d left for me. Nothing. Ever again.

But next to the food was a pile of material. My clothes. How long had I been asleep - because I refused to say I had passed out. Long enough for him to wash and dry my clothing. I didn’t feel grateful, only relieved that he might not have left me in such a disgrace that I would need to barricade myself in the toilet until I got a hold of myself enough to leave and kill him.

I took the clothes, flicked the switch for the water and entered the bathroom. Then it hit me. He had been here. He had been here when I fainted, when I threw up. When I had made such a noise that he couldn’t not have heard it. He had known where I was. He had left my clothes there because he knew I was in here. He had known. The thought twisted the knots in my stomach and then my head was in the toilet as the sickness washed over me again.

It was when I was leaning on the toilet, panting for breath, my eyes closed from exhaustion, that I realised he might have seen me. He might have come in and seen me in the state I was. The thought made me upset. So upset that I could hardly move to enter the bathtub and start running the water.

I tried to ignore the tears and they fell from my eyes but I couldn’t. Why was this so hard? It had been so easy to fall out of my defence routine. To let my mask drop and open myself. Why was it so difficult to pull them all back up. To me it felt as though my defences were crumbling.

They were old castle walls that fell quickly in battle. But to rebuild it, to use old bricks that crumbled when touched to rebuilt this castle would be impossible. They were sand and earth and couldn’t sustain anything. They were weak and useless. The only way to fix the castle would be to use new bricks. New tools. But I didn’t know where to turn.

It had been so long since I’d built my castle. It had been a gift, given to me by my brother half my life ago. Where would I find new bricks, new cement, new tools to build my castle. And how long would it take to rebuild it? I had my family back then. My family had helped me build the castle and it had been established so quickly. Over night. But now I was alone. And one boy was not enough to build a caste, not in time. I couldn’t do it in time. I was struggling to even find the will to try.

And the war was not even over yet, though my castle had been demolished the enemy - the feeling - was still dragging me down. It would not stop until I was destroyed. All of me. It was taking me over. Growing with every triumph and I was helpless, so weak. I had never felt so entirely defenceless and hopeless and small. I felt like nothing. I felt like an ant in a world of lions. I felt like nothing.

　 …  

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Sorry if Sasuke seems out of character. He’s going through a hard time. I think it’s understandable that he might be a little…insane. Sasuke’s never really been the most mentally stable character in the anime hehe

Sorry that it’s not longer and that half of the dream you’ve already read, but I didn’t want this chapter to drag on. I feel bad enough torturing Sasuke as it is…

Hope you enjoyed though!

Xx..xX