Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Secret Love ❯ Sorry ( Chapter 11 )

Disclaimer: All original Naruto characters, settings, plot etc. are the property of Masashi Kishimoto. No copyright infringement is intended and I make no profit from this story. …   　 Sorry  

It was snowing outside, a rarity here even though it was not enough to layer the ground. It flowed in the air; everything outside was like white mist across the window, shadows of light scattered across the village. It wasn’t cold though, not from where I was standing. Naruto was cooking in the kitchen and the whole apartment was warm from it. The bird was in the oven; roasting. It was nearly time to do the potatoes, or so I‘d been told.

Naruto was trying to teach me how to cook a Christmas dinner. He’d had a lesson on it in domestic studies; a special lesson for the festive season. And when I say trying it’s because he’s not much of a teacher - he tumbles on his words and expects you to understand through demonstration. I appreciated this though so I hadn’t complained yet. It was nice of him, I suppose, especially with the humour he’d permanently taken up. I didn’t like to think to much of it - I knew it was my fault. Letting him do this was another of my apologies, because I could never actually say I was sorry.

And I was sorry. I don’t really understand it even now. I still can’t remember all that happened that night, but what I do remember is far more clear, far more honest than I’d imagined at first. I scowl at my reflection in the glass. How could I have been so stupid; jumping to conclusions without even thinking things through. I worried things between me and Naruto wouldn’t ever get better now. Sure, I hadn’t actually said what I’d assumed of him, but it was clear he understood what I’d thought. To think that of someone like Naruto was not something to be taken lightly. To say I was ashamed might even be an understatement.

“Sasuke…?” I heard from the kitchen and turned to look at him. “The potatoes are ready to go in…” He didn’t stay long at the door before disappearing back into the kitchen. I was left by the window, left to follow him if I wanted to. I hated the option; Naruto didn’t give options; he was loud and up front and demanding. Naruto never used to give me options. He used to tell me what he wanted. He used to be open with me. I frowned at his back - why was he being so irritatingly guilty. I’d explained…well, not really, but he should know it was a mistake. He should know that he’d never hurt me. This whole situation was grating on my nerves.

I followed him into the Kitchen regardless and heat - sweltering heat - swept over me. The window was open but it wasn’t doing all that much good at quelling the vicious warmth from the open oven. Why was the oven open anyway?…oh yes, Naruto was checking the bird; a chicken he’d said it was. I stood by him and noticed the way he moved slightly away so I wouldn’t have to stand so close to him. I hated that too.

He stood up after looking at the plucked carcass on the tray. He closed the door and grabbed another tray, one I hadn’t cared to notice until now, from the counter next to me. This one had mounds of yellow; potatoes I assumed. I’d never cared for cooking before, I ate whatever there was. Tomatoes were the only things I paid attention to, an exception because they were great.

He moved the new tray closer to me and tipped it to the side. There was a thick layer of runny slime - I took that to be the oil he had previously explained to me - which he began to scoop up with a spoon and pour onto the potatoes. He did this twice, then handed the spoon to me.

“You’ve to put oil on them all so they get crispy later.” He said before looking away from me, his body at the other side of the tray as he tilted it further, the thick liquid gathering at the corner. I didn’t want to be awkward or make him more uncomfortable so I started with the task. It took little time and I covered them twice to make sure I’d done it properly, I had to do everything perfectly.

He took the tray back and placed it in the oven, a burst of heat hitting me as he opened the door again. It really was hot in here. For a while we stood awkwardly by the oven. I hoped he would stay, but I knew better by now. He disappeared through the kitchen door and I took a seat at the table, ignoring the warmth for the moment.

The look on his face these days. It was indescribable. I didn’t understand what I felt to see him that way. I knew regret though. I definitely felt that. I couldn’t even stay angry at his behaviour. I’d tried. I’d failed. How could I feel anger toward him? He was too nice. Too kind. It would only get him hurt - or, I suppose - it had only gotten him hurt. I wanted to apologise. I wanted to explain - ! It struck me; hard fast and defined. I’d grown soft.

I’d grown soft. Not soft like Naruto, I doubted I could ever be as soft as that. But I’d turned soft nonetheless. I had tried to be cold, hard and uncaring after the incident - misunderstanding - with Naruto. I’d tried and failed. I might have succeeded in acting cold and harsh - with anyone else but Naruto - however my feelings were not so easy to comply. It had been uncomfortable; to stay so silent; to act so apathetic.

The thought brought darkness to my mind and I placed my hands flat on the table, the cool surface soothing me slightly. I needed to think. I needed to sort myself out. I was an avenger. My family came first and my purpose was not yet complete; there were still people who I needed to destroy. I could not stumble here. This was a mission. A survival mission. That was all. There were no other details. There was no one else. Only me. I only mattered. My family.

My family. Why was this so difficult? What had happened to me? Where was my resolve? I remember a time so clearly when the mere thought of my revenge brought molten fire to my veins, burned hate into me and cast a spell of grief into my soul. Where was that? Where had it gone? I was still the same person. I was still the same person…wasn’t I? A harshness washed over me and I pulled myself away from the table, through the living area, past Naruto who I scarcely noticed in my haste, and into the bathroom, closing the door tightly behind me and switching on the glare of artificial light. I looked at myself in the mirror. I stood there for what felt like forever and took a good, long look at myself.

The boy stood before me was of average height, short for the age of eighteen, dark eyes , dark hair. His bangs fell into his eyes and his hair stood up at the back. His eyes were dark like charcoal and his skin pale as the snow outside . He looked average, normal and original. This boy looked alive, well and pleased. A testimony to the lack of nightmares plaguing his sleep, to the balanced diet he was now on, to the life he now led, however unknown to me it truly was.

Who was this boy? This boy who I’d never laid eyes on. This boy I’d never taken notice of. This boy I’d neglected for far too long. Who was he? This boy I knew so little of; his wants and needs so disposable in the world I had lived in. Was he kind? Was he cruel? Was he strong? Was he weak? Was he anything I was? The boy in the mirror paused now, looked down at the floor. A numbing sensation spread through my body, the hairs on my arms stood on end. The tiles beneath my feet sparkled in an unconcealed beauty, each detail laid bare for only me to see. When the boy looked back he was not what he had been before.

This one was a boy I recognised, a boy I knew inside out. His skin portrayed a white mask; a tinted silver visage with not a single blemish to disfigure. His hair was black as coal, slick and shimmering and flawless. A darkness tainted his eyes, dark shadows cast around them; framing his murderous heritage. His eyes shone red, a frightening, blood red with an indescribable pattern engraved from his soul - a star. This boy - this boy - was perfection; a prodigy; a genius; an avenger; a danger. I blinked once, slow, and he was gone.

The boy stood again as he had before - the danger - the threat - retreated and hidden in his depths. This boy, this simple, plain boy…was Uchiha Sasuke. A boy meant for one purpose, a purpose I could barely force into his features now. He was too ordinary. Too small. Too little muscle and too much, far too much light. I should have felt disgusted, I should have felt ashamed. I didn’t.

An image bore into my mind; an image of the future; an image of my future. It was an image that brought warmth to me, an image that brought heat to my eyes, an image that had the feeling simmering at the tip of my being. It was an image of happiness, an image of hope and life and love. It was an image I’d never thought of before, I’d never considered as something for myself. It was an image I wanted. I think it was then, that Christmas day, in front of that mirror, that I made my choice.

“Sasuke!” I heard Naruto call, “the dinner’s ready, I’ll show you how to dish up.” My lips twitched at his voice; it carried more life in it; everything held more life now. I let my fingers brush the cold texture in front of me, the digits painting a promise to a boy I hardly knew.

I said nothing as I returned to the kitchen, but my resolve was fixed and I watched Naruto constantly as he waved a knife over the toasted corpse and spoke directions I didn’t care to listen to. I knew my staring unnerved him, but I also knew - with all his caution nowadays - he would avoid any form of indication to that knowledge. I smirked, knowing far too well how that would annoy him. I wanted this, I wanted him to take the bate. I wanted his irritation; his pent up frustrations. I wanted him back. I wanted the Naruto I knew back. And I would get what I wanted.

Eventually I grew fed up with the façade and took matters into my own hands, grabbing the wondering knife from him and secretly relishing in his well-hidden surprise. I positioned the knife directly above the bird, steady and ready, waiting to play my cards, I moved my body, bumping my hip to his and nudging him out of my way. I went to cut, straight down the middle, when he stopped me, his hand almost touching mine as he struggled to explain to me how to continue.

“No, no, you gotta, you gotta do it sort of along the side-ish. I dunno, you just have to, like, go smooth along it, like, with the breast. Not! Not like that. Just!” I smirked more, moving to the side slightly I was extremely glad to note the idiot had taken no notice of my new position. We were nearly touching. I’d better not take my chances just yet, however, because I knew the farther I pushed things the more likely he’d be to run. He was too worried about me to pay any attention to signs. Too oblivious. Dobe.

“How?” I pushed him, trying to sound impatient. I really couldn’t care less how to cut this thing; it was all destined for the same place, why did it matter how it was put there? But I’d continue this for as long as it took. I knew what he was saying; I had to follow the curve of the body, to create a smooth slice. Simple. I wanted him to show me.

“You just! Just put it here…!” He almost touched my hand again, as he gestured to the dead animal and the knife and my hand. I tried to smother a bigger smirk when I felt it rise; it wouldn’t do to enrage him - I wanted him frustrated not angry. An angry Naruto was not what I wanted. I decided to be more direct, turning to him with stern features and hissed words.

“Just what Naruto? Show me, I‘m not a mind reader.” I looked him straight in the eye; looking straight into those large blue pools - he really had the bluest eyes I’d ever encountered - and moved my hand and the knife to his, emphasising my request. Just to be sure, though, since I knew how dense he could be, I murmured ‘guide me’. If I wasn’t feeling so serious I may have snorted at my own words; guide me, seriously? Had I serious said that? Yes. Yes I had. Because I would get what I wanted.

And sure enough, no matter how I hated my methods, they worked. Naruto slipped his hand around mine, slowly bringing it back towards the bird, and he shook - not only from the situation but also from his awkward position. He was trying desperately hard not to touch me, angling his boy away while he attempted to carry out my request. This was certainly getting me nowhere.

The knife had barely punctured the skin when it froze, my hand almost crushed by the pressure when Naruto froze as my back connected with his chest. I felt his shuddering breaths and couldn’t contain my smirk. Oh, what did I do to him? Was I cruel or what? I tried to push down in the blade when something stopped me. A hand, cautious but brave, snuck its way around my waist and pushed against my chest, forcing us tighter together and Naruto gasped behind me, despite the fact it had been him to initiate the action.

I felt his breath on the side of my neck and cheek but didn’t dare turn my face; I couldn’t loose the control I had. I was in control. It would stay that way. His voice startled me when he spoke, the blade cutting smoothly through the meat, “you do it just like this.” I smirked. Mission accomplished. Well…almost.

The food was good; nice enough although I wasn’t one to care much for what I ate. The thick tension and distance between myself and the idiot did put a bitter taste in my mouth, making it slightly harder to enjoy the Christmas meal. I’d thought earlier that I had fixed things; that he understood I wasn’t afraid of the mere sight of him. It seemed I’d overrated my plan. It had only worked while we were touching - which, admittedly, wasn’t for very long considering my little tolerance for physical contact; that certainly had not changed any.

As soon as the connection had been lost Naruto had taken the guilt back upon himself with abundance and had shuffled away from the kitchen, his spirits clearly low. But what then, was I supposed to do? How was I to know it wouldn’t work? It seemed to, at the time. Stubborn dobe. My second tactic, I decided, would simply be to talk. If I could talk to him, comfortably - though conversation was also not something I was too fond of - perhaps he would see how completely fine I was.

I did consider just coming out and admitting it. To tell him I had made a mistake and this whole mess was a complete misunderstanding. To tell him that he was at least mostly innocent in this matter. But I had decided against it; I would stick with my first choice and any other choices that had to follow - I wasn’t going to admit I was wrong. But…where did I start? I couldn’t remember a time I’d willingly triggered a conversation. Not for anything other than necessity.

I played around with the remainder of the food on my plate, thinking of what to say. What if I tried to talk about school? Asked about a class or something? No, that would seem stupid. What about the bar…? It was closed now for the holiday period - for three weeks everything closed. Everything, even the shops, which had been difficult the first year since we’d failed to take notice of it and therefore had not stocked up on food or anything. We’d had to borrow from people more sensible than us.

I didn’t think all my pondering of the season and our first year here would help me find a topic of conversation yet strangely that’s when it struck me, a very simple but relevant option; “the food’s quite good. You’ll have to teach me how to cook other stuff too.” Naruto looked at me then, partially startled, as if he had never heard me speak before, and partially scared. I mentally snorted; wasn’t it me who was meant to be scared?

“Err…um, yeah…” he giggled a little, obviously uncomfortable, “I guess I will, huh..?” I smirked but looked down so he couldn’t see. I would get my way.

“It must be better than ramen, anyway. Not that it takes much to beat that.” I heard him gasp slightly and knew he wanted to retaliate, tell me off for being so offensive to his favourite food, yet nothing of the sort came. Only a soft, shy ‘I don’t think so’ was uttered. It annoyed me.

I sighed a little and moved on to a different tactic, “I remember you telling me you had an awful Christmas last year. Is this one any better?” I saw his body tense immediately and almost felt bad for diving straight into the deep end, but I also felt this needed to be done. He couldn’t go on acting the way he was.

“W-well…I didn’t mean that last Christmas was bad - not at all, it was just-”

“But that’s what you said wasn’t it? I was bad company?” Okay, so I may have been twisting his words a bit, but I needed a reaction. Any reaction would do but preferably one where he didn’t treat me like a wounded kitten.

“I-I never said that!” But then he faltered and calmed slightly, trying to keep his voice lower. “Last Christmas was good, I’ve always spent Christmas alone, and even though it’s not much of a big deal back in Konoha it was nice to make it a big deal with you. Last Christmas was good, I didn’t mean it when I said that, I was just,” I almost didn’t hear him when he whispered ‘being an idiot’ to the table. Well, I thought to myself that I had almost triggered a satisfying reaction from him, if only for the first sentence. I would keep trying.

“How is Mai?” In all honesty I was rather curious. I hadn’t seen much of her since we’d been caught but everything had returned to normal. If anything, her and Naruto seemed closer than ever before. I couldn’t understand it, I would have thought she would keep her distance. It was funny how I found it easier to continue the conversation now wasn’t it?

“Oh, er, Mai’s awesome. She’s having some trouble ‘cause there’s this guy she likes but she’s too scared to tell him, heh. We’ve been discussing that a whole lot, trying to give each other advice. Don’t worry about her saying anything now, though, about us, she‘s cool with it. Me and Mai get along great; we’ve got a lot in common so she understands now.” …Right…

I was finished with dinner - had been for a while now - and noticed Naruto had finished as well. I cleared away the plates and left for the living room, indicating for Naruto to follow me. And, as I hoped, Naruto did indeed follow me. At least something was still the same.

I sat on the good sofa and Naruto sat on the bad. It wasn’t a comfortable silence that enshrouded us then, either, and I was eager to make my way out of it again. I opened my mouth to try to say something - I was going to bring up school, because I really was out of ideas - but I didn’t have to, Naruto actually started the conversation this time. And it wasn’t a conversation I’d been wanting to have.

“I’m sorry, Sasuke. I know I’ve said it a million times but I - I really, really am. And -” He paused slightly when I opened my mouth to object but in the end I didn’t say anything at all. I had no reply to him. “And I want you to know that you don’t need to try so hard to be nice to me…I don’t deserve it.” He muttered almost under his breath and I couldn’t stop the snort. His head snapped up and I frowned at him; I was through skirting around this problem.

“Look, Naruto, you’re being ridiculous. I’m absolutely fine. You need to stop treating me like an invalid child. I’m not glass, I’m not going to shatter from your proximity. Stop being such an idiot.” He frowned back at me; but his frown seemed more upset than mine, more sad. Oh, for god’s sake - couldn’t this boy just accept what I was saying.

“You can’t say that Sasuke. I - What I did - What I did was unforgivable.” In all honesty I’d never seen Naruto look the way he did then; his head bowed and his hands clasped together on his lap. Shaking from some unknown pressure. His voice sounded angry too - so angry and devastation literally rolled from him.

I sighed. “There’s really no helping it is there?” I waited for a response though my question was rhetorical. “No, I suppose not - being the dobe you are, I shouldn’t expect anything different.” I sighed again and shuffled around on the couch - trying to get more comfortable. “Look. You really have nothing to be sorry for. I mean, so we…you know…It doesn’t have to matter. If you’d stop making it such a big deal then maybe we could just go back to normal. Simple.”

I expected him to say something, but there was no sound other than his breathing and I was struggling to keep myself together - I was so fed up with his behaviour. This was not my Naruto.

“Oh, come on, Naruto. Don’t just sit there in silence - Say something for yourself. I’m telling you; your behaviour is uncalled for.” At this I did get a reaction, though it came so late I couldn’t feel satisfied Because I didn’t want it to be forced. I wanted a natural reaction - was that too much to ask?

“My behaviour is not uncalled for! Sasuke, just stop, you don’t have to be nice, please just don’t try. I couldn’t be more sorry and I have no idea what to do to make it up to you.”

“Just stop acting weird. Just pretend it never happened. I’m willing to do that - if you’re really sorry you’ll forget about it. Can’t you do that?” This was my chance to get away from admitting my mistake and I’d be damned if I didn’t take it. And after that speech Naruto would have no choice but to accept. He did look torn though, but even then I struggled to feel sorry for him. Annoyance was still too abundant within me.

“I-Well…Okay.” His voice made me question his sincerity but after seeing the look on my face he growled and said again “Okay, alright, we’ll go back to normal.” It sounded strange and still a little too forced but I was willing to go with it. Hopefully over time he’d really forget. For now I decided to change to subject again.

“I need to apologies for something too.” No matter how much I’d rather not. “I shouldn’t have read your letters. It’s none of my business and I shouldn’t have taken the liberty of going through your things.” Naruto smiled then and I almost smiled back at the genuine happiness inside it.

“You know? That’s the first time I think I’ve ever heard you say sorry. Not that you really did but it was close enough.” I snorted and the atmosphere lightened significantly.

Too bad I really did have to apologise for this; “I didn’t know him. It wasn’t my place.” Naruto only nodded sadly.

“Yeah…your right. But I don’t mind - it’s okay.” He smiled again then, “apology accepted” he said. This was what I’d been hoping for. Mission well and truly accomplished…for now.

　 …  

I think it might have been cheesy, sorry if it is. I’m also sorry for the age I’m now taking to update. I just don’t like to force things - I get even more stuck then.

Xx..xX