Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Tsunade's Heir ❯ Volume 3: Return to Konoha (Chapters 13-14) ( Chapter 9 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Okay. I profoundly apologize for not updating my mediaminer profile. Probably no one remembers me or whatever, either. However, for what it may be worth, better late than never?



If you would like to keep more up to date, as well as one that doesn't have to be uploaded through WORDPAD, it would likely be a better idea to keep tabs on my fanfiction.net profile.



http://www.fanfiction.net/u/815333/funkmasterjo

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Chapter 13: Chapter 13

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Volume 3: The Return To Konoha

Chapter 13

New Everyday Life.

Large and Majestic, the so called 'God of Demons' stared down at the ant before it. "Hello once more jailor-san. Would it be that time so quickly?" the demon asked amusedly

"Yeah. The more dangerous something is, the earlier you gotta' act."

"...Indeed?"

"So, let's hear it. What are your demands?"

"I won't bother demanding freedom."

"Good that you know. So what do you want?"

"To talk"

"I'm listening"

"You misunderstand me"

"Then explain yourself, damnit!"

"You certainly are demanding. Does this cage I'm in embolden you? How... foolish"

"The heck are–". Slowly… looking left and right, he became conscious... that the walls of darkness echoed with the oppressive threat of death - as if here, in this place, such a thing could be tasted. "What… what did you–"

"Why…" the demon smirked easily, in that same imperious stance, only exactly where Naruto himself had previously stood, "simply put, I called in a 'favour'" Holding that amused smile, and otherwise unmoving, Kyuubi's mighty tail nevertheless whipped forwards, twisting and seeming to impossibly sharpen with a deadly grace.

Small, choked sounds were the only shocked response the boy managed within that microscopic flick of time. "A-A…" unable to move, Naruto watched, as if in slow motion as the spear approached him.

When he awoke, he sadly did not do so nobly as to manage the classic "Aaah!" as he bolted up in bed.

The terror gripped him still. Paralyzed, it was only the pressing biological demand to actually breathe that shook him from his state.

"Damn" Naruto panted. "That nightmare again."

Naruto collected himself. It was a beautiful, cloudless day. Songs, birds, ect. Also, there was a frog on his windowsill. It was orange so that meant good luck. Or a poison frog.

He set about his daily hygiene. Through the mirror he saw the visage of his now thirteen year old self, bags under the eyes the only indicator of a serious of restless nights and the simple strain of traveling. "I don't know what's worse" he mumbled, washing his face. "That I keep having the stupid dream, that it actually happened, or that what came after was so much weirder."

The tail - or the spear rather - stopped a mere twitch from piercing his skin and Naruto, eyes wide in fear, could still not move his body.

"Now… little man-kit… just what are you doing?"

"..." Like a puppet with his strings cut, the 'jailor' of Kyuubi no Kitsune hit the floor, gasping for breath.

"It seems you have hallucinated just now. Most interesting. My intent was simply to display my power, however it seems that such a thing is not interpreted well by your mind. "

Body shaking and weak: Naruto, blinking, struggled to sit up and check his surroundings. A door behind him, walls that didn't supernaturally emanate the promise of death, and a comforting slip of paper on the bars before him reading the word 'Seal'. Unreal. That level was just too much.

"I wonder what it is that imagination of yours created, jailor-san. Would you like to share?"

"Not… really."

"…"

"A display of power. A threat. Intimidation... Whatever the hell you did that for, you bastard, I won't let you out! Even if you did terrify me, I would never help you escape!"

"I see, so that's your reaction? Curious. But though you say that, you're still shaking"

"What's your point!"

"...A change of pace then. You assume that I wish to escape, but that's wrong. I want to open negotiations with you of a different sort. I am displaying my bargaining chips, as is natural in these things. I did not think that showing you the depths of my strength would offend you so."

"I'm leaving" He wouldn't sit through these games. He wasn't some toy to be played with.

"Foolish child, you're making a mistake"

"And why, exactly, is that? Or are you going to leave me guessing all day?"

A low. Deep. Threatening reverberation shook the walls – but not Naruto. "Done yet?"

"You insolent, puny–! You owe me and when you owe -me-, I -OWN- YOU!"

Naruto stared at the fox, his tails which had been thrashing about in rage quietened gradually reminiscent of the natural death of a storm.

Those tails... -had- caused storms, if story were believed.

"I will consider your account settled if you can answer me one question. It should be suitable for one who treats me with such contempt."

This was sounding more and more like a tale from any demonic folktale of choice. It was never as simple as it sounded. "...What's the question?"

"What killed all the humans?"

Naruto sighed. He didn't like owing a demon anything. The tales he'd heard had confirmed that was... a pretty bad thing. Never mind he'd been ripped off. Never mind he'd been given some kind of pseudo-bullcrap puzzle to solve just to figure out what the damn thing wanted. Oh no.

In the past four years he hadn't been able to answer it.

"Morning otoutou! Are you decent?" his sister, beaming, asked as she entered apron-clad and breakfast armed. She was the picture of gentleness as she ever was.

"Don't ask that after you barge in. I need a lock – I'm a teenager now... a thirteen-year-old."

"Hmm, I know. Sorry Naruto-kun, it's just a security thing..." Shizune ushered him to the breakfast table. "I can't believe we're even back here. And no one's even apologised to you – how rude. I'm terribly disappointed."

Naruto considered his pouting sister. She was a kind, homely person.

So why, every morning since they'd returned to Konoha, was she the one to cripple three to four alleged assassins?

"Hey guys," he addressed the beaten, chained, bound in ninja wire, wrapped in a strange cloth covered in seals, and possibly drugged-out captives lumped by the door, "rough night?"

"N-No more... "

"N-Not the frying pan... please not the frying pan again..."

"What is she?"

"With a skillet? Why with a skillet? I will never eat again."

Shizune spared the captives a disapproving look as she served breakfast out. "I know I shouldn't complain..." she began, "but they really don't make assassins like they used to."

"Um, nee-chan, that..." Naruto vaguely gestured with his hand

"Oh, this? No, no, don't worry. I threw away that skillet. Simply unsanitary."

"Er... o-okay then. Kaa-chan's sleeping in?"

"Yes. She should be up in time for your graduation though – don't worry. Now here's your lunch. Don't forget to take the trash out and drop the other trash off by Ibiki-san okay?"

Naruto set his package down in front of a wide, unadorned building.

Incidentally, the doorbell was intentionally reminiscent to a funeral toll

"Here you are. Other side of town from the scary skillet lady – like I promised."

"Oh thank you, thankyou, thankyou."

"You're much nicer than your sister."

"Well, I mean... you're just doing your job." Naruto shrugged. "And it'd be a freaking miracle if I wasn't desensitized to the whole 'they're out to kill me' thing by now. Seriously, how many of you guys are out there?"

"They told us it was a growth industry."

"Ah." Naruto wondered if that was supposed to make sense to him.

A looming shadow seemed to eclipse the sun, hope, and all future prospects with its presence. The voice was like rough granite. "Good morning, Houou-san. Again?"

"Yeah."

"You know, if your sister doesn't want to come work for me, I really need to talk to her regardless – compare notes. How she loosens the tongues of trained assassins to the point of inane chitchat boggles my entire working staff."

"I dunno'." Naruto shrugged. "I'm just a kid. Possibly something to do with cooking utensils... or an odd mixture of chemicals that form a truth serum so powerful that it's only legal because no one knows it exists yet."

Ibiki narrowed his eyes in thought – it did terrifying things to his scarred complexion. "Cooking utensils you say? Fascinating. Why didn't I think of that?"

The assassins freaked.

"That's the part that caught your attention?"

"We'll talk, we'll talk!"

"Now, don't do that yet. You'll spoil everything. I just found out that I have three interns who've never actually dissected a human spleen before."

"We'll talk, goddamnit!"

"...Sorry, did you trash say something? I think I must have wax in my ears. Regardless, we'll make you talk, tough guys – with the operation if we're lucky."

"Don't act like you didn't hear, you sadistic bastard!"

"What did you just call me?"

"So now you heard us?"

"You're late Naruto"

The student in question scratched his cheek in embarrassment. "Sorry professor. There were these bound, drugged-out assassins that caught my pants leg with their teeth and wouldn't let go."

"You really expect me to believe that?"

"They wanted me to save them from Ibiki." Naruto frowned. ."Damnit, I knew I should have asked for a note..."

"I-Ibiki? Hmm... I suppose I can believe you. Take your seat – you haven't missed much at least. And after today you'll be someone else's problem – thank god." The teacher composed himself with a deep breath. "As I was saying, I'll be filling in for Iruka-sensei again today. He is still... well..."

There was a multitude of shuffling as the class, as one, turned to stare at their newcomer.

"What? Now why the hell does everyone I meet always think that it's my fault?"

"Wow, I dunno'," Kiba began sarcastically, "because you hospitalized him?"

Naruto scowled. "Look, he told me to punch the log – I punched the log. What more do you want from me, really?"

Kiba pounded his table with a fist in anger and made sure to accentuate each absurdity with a recurring thump. "It was ripped out of the ground... and squashed sensei... into the kindergarten roundabout... on the other side of the street!"

Naruto 'tche'd. "Holy crap man, you make it sound like I told him to stand behind the stupid log."

The class, in unison, shouted at back. "That's not the problem!"

It was lunch break.

Naruto habitually took it with Hinata and/or the Ino-Shika-Cho group. He'd tried to connect with Sakura again – and they were friends but she was usually, well...

Indisposed.

"Sasuke-kuuuuuu – oomph! Another bunshin? That's like, twenty all together! He's so cool! Sasuke-kuuuu – ow! Wow what a kwamwari!"

The lunch group sighed. Ino hailed her 'boss' as he sat down. "Morning Naruto."

"Got anything?" Naruto, as part of his medicine training, had been taking mild cases for a while now – small sums compared to his family but enormous for a child evidently. Upon arriving in Konoha, Ino had quickly learned of this and proven herself to be an effective public relations manager (hence: zero fan girls, thank god). She'd even dragged her friends into the mix and now all three were on his payroll.

Being the 'boss' of their little collaborative, Ino swiftly thumped her subordinate over the head with a bento to get him moving – he was obviously too lazy to do so without cause.

Actually, he really was.

"Geez, Ino..." Shikamaru sighed. "And no, not much. 'What killed all the humans' is obviously not meant literally or we wouldn't be here to ask it. If we accept 'killed all' as an exaggeration – hyperbole – then it's 'What practically killed all the humans' at best." The lazy genius shrugged. "But such a thing was never recorded in history. That leaves the pre-history era."

Right. The historical 'black box'. Out of which eventually came excavated and reproduced gadgets like kaa-chan's cameras and the all important communication devices so popular amongst shinobi nations.

Technology said to be hundreds of years ahead of anything we would have been able create on our own – coming from the past.

'Frontier Technology' was just another name for stolen designs and painting by numbers on a massive technological scale.

"I thought you'd say that." Naruto sighed. Then he swore bitterly. The Ino-Shika-Cho combo, still getting used to his mannerisms, paled – and wondered what that even meant.

Hinata just offered to pour some juice.

"Thanks Hinata-chan"

She smiled.

"How the monkey#$*^f(*& am I supposed to figure anything out about a time already called 'blank history'. What a stupid (*&&* request."

"It would help if we knew any actual context to the question" Shikamaru offered.

"Not going to happen. Just keep working on it, ok?"

Ino gathered her courage. "Um, listen Naruto, I've... we've been wondering. What does monkey... er, that... even mean anyway?"

"Huh? Well it doesn't actually have to mean anything but –"

"OMIGOD, it's you! I found you! Houou-sama!"

Naruto experienced a full-body flinch. "Ino!" he desperately yelled.

"On it!" By the time her discarded bento box stopped clattering, Ino had interposed herself – arms spread – between her benefactor and a charging, elated, brunette. "Off limits sister! Back way off!"

The protest began – somewhat standardly. "What? And who do you think you are?"

"I don't know what you've heard but I'm doing this for you too, you know. He's dead poor. They're so far in the red it's like valentines day. You're just setting yourself up for –"

"I'm not here about that! I just want to –"

Annoyed at having her speech interrupted, Ino interrupted the brunette. "Don't know, don't care – and are you wearing pink with brown? What were you thinking? Are you even really trying here? Why don't you save yourself the embarrassment and come back tomorrow pumpkin'."

The girl in question growled and crossed her arms furiously. "Oh go choke on it. I'm a kunoichi – I don't have time for appearances."

That gave pause. "You... You don't?"

"No. I don't."

Ino, defender of wealthy yet dirt poor and vaguely sort of cute blondes gave this newcomer a critical once-over, in a new light.

Then she shrugged, apologised, and sat down. "Sorry. Thought you were after his wallet – or his heart. Golddigger/Fangirl precautions and all that. You came on kind of strong with that 'omigod, it's you!' of yours."

"Ino, what're you doing? The hell do I pay you for, goddamnit!" Naruto, just done cramming his lunch and peripherals back into his bag and ready to book it like a squirrel, was understandably perturbed.

"She's safe." Ino swiped Chouji's lunch – as she'd discarded hers earlier in the rush. "I'm sure of it."

Chouji didn't appreciate the loss of lunch. "Hey! Ino!"

"Oh, as if you don't have like 6 identical ones in your bag."

"Those are auxiliary meal supplies Ino"

"Well, what do you pack them for if you're not going to eat them?"

"That's not the point. It's the principle of the thing."

"Oh I swear to god, Chouji, one of these days..."

Hinata was eying the brunette critically out of her peripheral vision.

Naruto was willing to go with his PR manager's assessment but didn't unpack his stuff just yet – just in case.

Shikamaru had fallen asleep.

"Er," perturbed at the change of pace, the brunette sat down tentatively. "Sorry I sounded like a... like a whatever. I was just really exited. I've been looking for you forever. This... fan-person thing isn't really that big of a problem is it?"

"Ino!"

The brunette almost had a heart attack. "Holyshit where did you come from."

"Ino," Sasuke took a moment to catch his breath – unusually flush from the chase. "I don't know what he's paying you but I'll double it."

Ino gave it some thought – she really did. "Hmmm, you know I'd really like to help... but my friend's really into you. It would totally be a conflict of interest."

"Triple!"

"Sorry... It's a best-friend - and girl - kind of thing. I just have to side with her, you know?"

Naruto, at this point, could no longer contain his mirth and erupted into laughter. Only to have the cuffs of his jacket seized in fury.

"Fuck. You. Naruto."

"Pft. Ahahahaha! You, you –"

"Don't you say a damn thing. It's not funny, you –"

"There he is! Sasuke-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu –"

The hunted boy 'tch'ed and rifled around his pocket before slamming what he'd found into the ground.

The fangirl horde, unprepared for this, screeched to a halt while the smoke cleared.

Naruto, at ground zero, was left coughing. "*cough* Wow. He *cough* He really isn't that short on cash, huh? Using a smoke bomb just like that."

"Well," Ino coughed as well, "he's the last Uchiha. You know how it is. Um, he probably went that way girls!" Ino pointed in a random direction, hoping that they would simply leave.

They did, and Sakura emerged from the kafuffle as the apparent leader with her battle cry "Sasuke-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun"

"Wow" the yet identified brunette didn't know what else to say.

"It's graduation day" Shikamaru, woken by the commotion, explained. "And statistically, they understand that it's not likely they'll get on the same team – most didn't even pass. For most of them this is their last real attempt."

"Going all out..." Chouji muttered, sadly, "I kind of feel sorry for them and Sasuke too."

Naruto couldn't stop laughing.

The brunette tried desperately to get back on track. "Um, I'm Tenten! We met a long time ago, remember? I knew you looked familiar but I didn't notice you without your contacts."

"...Contacts?" Naruto frowned. "What contacts?"

Hinata tensed.

"You know, you used to wear red contacts." Tenten smiled. "It's kind of a shame you stopped. They were very distinct."

"Red conta – oh." It dawned on him. "Those contacts. Yeah. Yeah I, uh, I was just trying them out. You know how contacts are, they never really fit anyone. The techies always say something about limited moulds or uh... Anyways so you're..."

"You saved my mother! We're really, really in your debt. Thank you very much." Tenten sat in sieza and bowed her head to the ground. "If there is any way we can repay you at all..."

"Ah, that's fine... How is she? She was my first real patient but I never got to do a follow-up."

"Oh! She's in perfect health Houou-sama"

"No odd pains in the back or anywhere? Numbness in the extremities? Anything?"

"Perfect health." The girl chirped. "Um, I'd heard that some very bad things happened after that. I can't understand why or how my village could act like that but I feel kind of responsible." The girl bowed again. "Really sorry"

Naruto frowned. "... Get up, it's not like it's your fault. She needed treatment – was entitled to it. Don't look down on the medical profession, damnit."

"Er, alright?" Tenten didn't know what to make of that at all. "It's great you came back but... are you sure? I mean, after the things I'd heard, I figured..."

"Oh that. No. I... actually didn't take it as hard as, like, Kaa an Nee-chan did." Naruto waved it off. "Ero..." people didn't agree with his way of talking about his uncle in Konoha. Further, they had no idea who he was talking about. "Um, Jiraiya-oyaji went around pulling strings, getting the story, and clearing up all the misunderstandings and bad blood. We got a formal written apology from the council on the village's behalf, and a bunch of cash in damages that were instantly swallowed by kaa-chan's stupid massive debt but it's the thought that counts. It's not like there's anywhere else I could come to sign up as a ninja for – we're too famous and our family ties run too close to this village." Here, he shrugged. "Anyways that night was bad but if I held a grudge forever against every single place that tried to kill me, I wouldn't have anywhere I could even try to live."

"Er... really?" Tenten sweat dropped. "Sounds... Sounds tough. But don't you feel kind of angry? If it was me I'd still be bitter and... you know, revenge would maybe be..."

"Well sure I was still ticked when I learned we had to come back here, and when I first got here I wanted to prank the crap out of this place"

Gasp. "You're the one that defaced all those store signs!"

"Oh you saw those?"

"Some of those were actually kind of funny!" Tenten laughed. The smile quickly dropped as she thought of something else though. "Some of them were really disgusting though. And some, my parents wouldn't let me see and I don't know why."

"Well I couldn't help it!" Naruto defended himself. "There were a lot of signs and I was running out of ideas."

-flashback-

"Golden Moose Supermarket. Hmmm... Okay, let's make it Golden Moose Super-farter? No, did I use that one? This may be harder than I originally thought. The quality just isn't what I started out with."

"Yo big boss! Shadow clone from group Kickass reporting."

"Very well. What do you have to report, group Kickass?"

"Well the good news is we're done with the East side. Moving North now."

"Oh, cool."

"Ran into some problems though. We're kind of running out of ideas."

"Damn, us too. Alright bust out Kaa-chan's swear-word thesaurus"

"That thing? Don't you think it's kind of... I mean..."

"Screw it. We did our best. It's for the mission."

"Well okay, I guess. See you."

Naruto looked around, finished with his editing of the supermarket sign. "Hmm. Wait... for real?"

"THE FUNCKY YOU" HAIRSTYLING CLINIC

"Funcky You..." Naruto whispered in awe. "Well, they're just asking for it."

Were they trying to be 'funky' by misspelling the name on purpose? Either way...

-end flashback -

"I stopped pretty soon though. I mean, I was still upset with the people here, but any more would kind of be overkill."

"Overkill?" Tenten blinked.

Naruto seriously debated whether he should explain himself. "Konoha General is a mix of a general hospital, dentist clinic, optometrist, and basically everything else 'health'. Kaa-chan's been put in charge of the hospital recently and, well..."

"I see. Your filling fell out?" The kindly dentist asked as he flipped through a new-looking book.

"Yeah. Those cursed Sour Patch Kid candies. You just can't stop at the one."

"Ah!" The doctor exclaimed. "You're in the book."

"Book?"

"Sorry. Please wait a moment."

The patient was just getting impatient when...

"Why hello Mr. Tanaka!" A new figure regally strode into the room. "Filling fell out right?"

"T-Tsunade-sama?"

"Guess what, Mr. Tanaka, this may seem off topic but my apprentice Shizune is very multitalented." Tsunade smiled – ominously. "She has a very good photographic memory, recall, and drawing arm. And she was there that night we were chased out of town, wasn't she? Huh... Now, this wouldn't be you by any chance, would it?"

Tanaka stared at himself in the new-looking book which he now could make out as having the page-heading entitled: "F(*&^kers who Should Just ^%&* Die."

"I-I I was mistaken! I-I thought! Kyuubi! Kyuubi, you know? What, what should I have thought? I panicked and everyone was doing it and–"

"Oh no." Tsunade 'soothed'. "I forgive you." The glint in her eyes did not look particularly merciful. "After all we got a written apology and everything. Even though people cross the street when Naru-chan walks by, we're not allowed into any restaurants for fear of damaging business, people spit at us behind our backs, and you gave my son a terrible childhood memory, my whole family forgives you. We're very forgiving like that."

"P-P-P-Please! Have mercy! I-I have two, I mean six children! And a dog! And I plant a tree every Earth-day!"

"But I do! I totally forgive you, weren't you listening?"

"You were sharpening a knife while you said that!"

"No I wasn't."

"Look, you're doing it again!"

"No, no, that's for the next appointment. Why would I use a knife on you? You need a new filling right?" Tsunade reached for her tools. "You need a drill. Now would you like the really rusty drill?... Or the really spiky drill?"

"No! No! GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Oh I forgot to bring the anesthetic, didn't I? How forgetful of me. I must be getting old. Oh well, these things happen. You'll forgive me right? After all, we forgive you."

"Something like that, apparently. See? You just can't stay angry right?" Naruto reasoned.

Tenten sat, petrified. She might have peed herself in fright – except she was too scared to pee.

Ino reorganized her list of people not to piss off radically and shortened it to just the one.

Chouji was unable to finish his lunch due to unsettling mental imagery.

Shikamaru, who had slept through the entire story, was nonetheless plagued with the worst nightmare of his life.

Hinata noticed Naruto's cup was empty and offered to pour more juice. "Thanks Hinata-chan"

She smiled.

"I..." Tenten had to practically force herself to gulp fresh air. "I – I think I might need to re-consider my choice in role-models right now..."

Naruto nodded in understanding. "And don't ask me how she gets away with it – some political mumbo jumbo I don't even feel like listening to. But I kind of wish she'd figure out another way to get back at them. I mean, lately I think Ibiki's been wanting to start up some weird kind of competition with her or something." Naruto paused in contemplation, "And, I mean, I don't see how that could end well for anyone."

________________________________________

Omake – I started to think of what to write, and then decided that out of all the characters introduced/reintroduced this chapter, Sakura was given the least backstory. Here we go:

Naruto considered his pink-haired friend one day on a walk home from school.

Sakura, like many girls at the academy, had a very healthy obsession with the Uchiha Heir.

Healthy in the sense that all the chasing she did was actually pretty good cardio exercise – it was shocking what she could accomplish when motivated.

But naturally Naruto couldn't help but wonder what about the broody anti-social stuck up orange hating sunnovabitch she found so endearing.

Sakura, who had been pondering quite deeply on her own, suddenly turned to face her friend – a look of dead seriousness on her face. "Naruto-kun?"

"Uh," he'd never seen her this serious, "yeah?"

"I've been thinking about Sasuke-kun."

Naruto gave a pitiable sigh. To be honest, Sakura wasn't the best company when it got to the subject of 'her' Saskue-kun. His mother had brushed off his complaints one day comparing it to his love of Ramen. And to that – there was sadly no good response he could mount. So he understood where she was coming from – it's just a matter of preference. He liked awesome tasty foodstuffs. She liked broody anti-social stuck up orange hating sunnovabitches. "I actually kind of knew you were."

"You can tell?" Sakura was astonished.

"Well, we're just walking home and you're not eating, sleeping, or talking to me, so I figured it must be Sasuke time."

With a mighty huff, Sakura rounded on her friend. "That's absurd. I'm not that bad."

Naruto gave his friend a deadpanned look. "Sakura-chan you have a 1/56th scale model of him"

"So?"

"And you put a chastity belt on it." he flatly continued

"S-So?" Sakura broke into a nervous sweat.

Naruto gave a purposeful pause of silence as he leveled a very flat stare, somehow piercing stare, at the pinkette. "It's somehow anatomically correct isn't it?"

"It wasn't me!" Sakura, terrible secret exposed, panicked and blabbed excuses at great speed. "There's this branch-family Hyuuga that likes him – I tried to talk her out of doing it!"

Out of doing it on that particular day. It had been one of Sasuke's shopping days and it was thought the bustle of the afternoon crowd could pose more problems than aid.

Still, as the evidence suggested, the mission was a resounding success.

"You've got one though." Naruto smartly pointed out.

Yes. The Hyuuga otherwise known as member #32 had a spectacular eye for – ahem – detail, as well as a particular dexterous skill with mould-making. She also proved quite willing to uphold her end of the covenant instead of hogging the mold to herself.

With only minimal press-ganging. For her commendable comradery she had been promoted to senior club member, second class.

"It was the peer pressure! Everyone has one!"

Yeah, Sakura thought, pft, right.

"And I respect his privacy! That's what the belt is for!"

"Ah. Is that so?" Naruto's flat stare would not be broken "Then you threw out the key right?"

"No way! What a waste! Ah –" Sakura caught herself too late. The suggestion had just been too absurd – she'd let inner-Sakura out by accident. "I mean..."

Naruto raised an eyebrow slowly – a move his mother taught him – and remained conspicuously silent.

Sakura bowed her head in shame. "Yes, I'm obsessed. Sorry. Please don't tell Sasuke-kun."

Naruto sighed, smiled indulgently, and pat the fangirl's head mockingly as he would a repentant pet. "There, there. We all have our faults. So what did you want to ask me before we were sidetracked by your perverted obsession?"

"It's not perverted!" She'd only looked once. "It's just a regular romantic, sweet obsession." She finished quietly.

Naruto rolled his eyes. His life was full of perverts – he had begrudgingly come to accept this somewhat.

Sakura gathered her wits, recalling her original conversation. "Anyways can I get your professional opinion on something –as a boy? I've been thinking… maybe Sasuke-kun would like me better if I was stronger. But then I thought, to be soft and protect able is also important." She tapped her chin in thought. "What do you think?"

What did he think? He thought it all sounded like code to him. "Before that Sakura-chan, I think he'd really love it if you didn't chase him down while screaming his name all the time."

"What? That's stupid. I have to stand out."

"But if all the girls that like him chase him down then if you don't chase him down then –"

"Now that's just crazy talk, Naruto-kun."

Annoyed at being told off when only trying to be reasonable and help a friend, naruto became understandably testy. "But you can't think he likes people chasing him down and trying to cram love down his throat!"

Sakura scowled. "We don't cram it down his throat. And he's had a terrible and lonely childhood. He's just not honest with his own desires for companionship. " She sighed, reminded once more that Naruto was a boy and, as such, completely inept at matters of the heart. "Weather he's burdened by the thoughts of what could have been, or by the weight of his lost clan's pride and expectations, or weather after loosing it all he's distrustful of hope for joy... It's obvious if you think about it, that if we don't take the initiative, his whole life may be lived without love. Yes!" She became impassioned, pumping her fist righteously. "It's up to me to break into his lonely heart and show him that he can be loved! That he is deserving of love! That love is the answer!"

"Sakura-cha–"

"LOVE!"

"..."
< br> "Now do you understand?" Sakura sweetly inquired

"It actually kind of makes sense." Naruto admitted.

"You see!" the Sasuke Fan President chirped victoriously. "It's all about Love."

"Yeah, except, that sounds a hell of a lot like the book Nee-chan checked out of the library a while ago."

"E-Eh? S-So what?" Sakura, sensing something devious, tried to cut Naruto off. "Books are based on truth right? Yeah! What are books if not composites of refined, purified, and crystallized knowledge!"

Naruto sighed. "You got the top grades in the class outside of practical work because of that Sakura-chan... but it also messes you up bad."

"W-What are you talking about?" Sakura tried to laugh it off.

"What am I talking about?" Naruto questioned quietly. "What am I talking about? I'm talking about THIS!"

"Ow!" Sakua rubbed her tender head, having received a descent whap by... a... oh. "I can explain that."

"It's a manga! It's the most girly, squeely damn manga ever!" Naruto shook the offending evidence before her eyes furiously, before flipping rapidly through the pages. "And this! Here, this is that damn speech you keep giving me about Sasuke! You memorized it damnit!"

"S-So?"

"So? So?" Naruto parroted incredulously. "So it's non-fiction, you idiot!"

Whap.

"Ow! So what? Books are repositories of knowledge. If we can't trust books then what can we –"

Whap

"It's a manga, damnit! Which part of that guy looks like Sasuke!" He pointed furiously at a bishonen. "What the hell, is it the part where sparkly stars appear when he smiles, or the part where he flips his hair every other panel?"

"That's actually the protagonist's best friend / love rival / alternate love interest if you squint really hard" Sakura couldn't help but correct.

Whap!

"That's not the damn point! Why are you taking love advice from a manga? Why are you talking my ear off all the damn time with love advice from a manga?"

Whap Whap!

"You want to figure out the guy, at least read goddamn guy's manga! See how many girls chase the guy down and yell marriage proposals in a guy's manga!"

"Ow, stop it already! That actually hurts – We're not all built like rocks like you and your mom!" Sakura rubbed her now tender head, finding a new empathy for all the tsukkomi's she'd pulled on her friend. "And that's ridiculous. What would you or any guys, or any guys manga know about a girl's romance?" She looked at him like he was an idiot. "You're being stupid."

"But it's a guy you're trying to romance!" Naruto protested incredulously.

"This and that are different." Sakura deadpanned. "Let's not compare apples and oranges."

"But you're asking me weather Sasuke would like you if you were stronger!"

"Ah. You just don't get it." Sakura shook her head in exasperation. "If you're talking about being strong or sweaty or things like that then it's guys of course; but for all the important things like love and happiness and such of course it has to be girls."

"That's so damn sexist!"

Sakura waved the complaint off. "It's only sexist if a guy says it. There's a law about it or something."

"Wha – that's even more damn sexist!"

"Damnit, can you believe she said that to me nee-chan?" Naruto complained. "I bet mangas like that are why Sasuke has so many fangirls – the poor, unfortunate, broody, orange hating sunnovabitch"

"Naruto-kun!" Shizune gave her patented 'you wish I'd just conk you one, because now you know you aren't getting any ramen to eat today' glare. "Mind your language!"

"Ah, sorry nee-chan."

"Well, I for one, agree with her" Tusnade, eavesdropper extraordinaire, added. "Girls can't be sexist."

"Yeah, you would."Naruto groused

"What, just because I'm a woman?" Tsunade asked incredulously. "Why, that's so sexist of you! I raised you better, Naru-chan!"

"Why you!" Naruto lunged.

"Bring it, brat!"

Shizune just sighed. She wished her mentor didn't have so much fun picking on her otoutou.

________________________________________

A/N

Thanks to my early reviewers correcting my calling "Ibiki" "Ibuki". Corrected. (Like one said, I think I was mixed up with Maya Ibuki).

A while ago someone said that Tsunade's and Gaara's last name were different. I didn't know – but it's too late now. (I like mine better anyways)

I had anesthetic as aesthetic. corrected. ty, reviewers.

A tsukkomi (I didn't check the spelling) is a Japanese term (no real English equivalent) for that that thing time where the regular person corrects the idiot in a comedy bit, basically. Often, mild physical force (or extreme physical force) is used to accent this. I've done this, like, a lot in this fanfic, so I think you know what I mean.

Favorite lines: I have way too many this chapter. Seriously, like every punchline seems to have it's own unique appeal to me this time. However:

"Oh I forgot to bring the anesthetic, didn't I? How forgetful of me. I must be getting old. Oh well, these things happen. You'll forgive me right? After all, we forgive you."" - I never knew I could write something that evil-badass.

This is the first chapter of Tsunade's Heir without an omake. When I finished the chapter and got ready to write an omake I stopped and said "No. I feel like 80% of the chapter is just as silly as my omakes. Any more would just be silliness atop silliness - I'd best stop here."

That being said, I later came back and added an omake anyways.

It's also the first chapter that doesn't start with an introductory narrative. I felt it was time to stop it – we're looking to the future now and from this point on characters may truly live or die. (Originally this chapter was going to be radically different – little humor for one, and a totally different time and place for another – and some very key characters would have died shortly.)

Do I have an excuse for the update time? Some of it was busyness in my life but mostly...

Writer's block. Yes.

Funny enough when I wrote some Shippuden Complaint it really freed up my creativity. I scrapped the entirety of the chapter as it had been and just wrote this. What a waste but I'm glad I did it. Shippuden Complaint was actually started as a scribble called 'Naruto Oneshot' that I did for the purpose of freeing up my creativity. Eurika.

Please Review.

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Chapter 14: Chapter 14

________________________________________

So I was like, let's not re-do the rooftop intro scene. Or the bell scene. If I see another one of those, I think I'll start punching myself in the face.

________________________________________

Chapter 14

Team 7... Rejected?

Due to a very stern warning from his superiors involving hot coal, two kilograms of TNT, and Anko Mitarashi, Kakashi was giving today his all and was only half an hour late rather than three – the experience was almost surreal from his perspective. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so early...for being late. Standing before the doorway to another team-to-be-failed, he was nonetheless apprehensive. His encounter with the substitute teacher in the hallway had left him with a certain sense of foreboding.

"What... you're team seven's captain?" the man was crippled with humor. "Well – HaHa!– Well then. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving sunnovabitch."

Perhaps he could stand to be a few more hours la –

The Jounin's thoughts were cut off by a projectile door.

"I'll kill you!"

"Bwhahahaha~!"

"Naruto-kun, stop making fun of Sasuke-kun! Why are you always like this?"

"But he's such an ass! And he just makes it so damn easy! Just look at his clothes. And dear god, his hair! Quack-Quack, Sasuke!"

"Glrglflrgl" As the Jounin peeled himself off of the wall he became aware of the carnage of what was once a classroom. Truly, it was the scene of a quite interesting battle – there was a... uniqueness to the battlegrounds after all.

Naruto, who's objective seemed to make hair and attitude related jokes, stalled for time by hurling tables and various room fixtures at the young Uchiha.

Incidentally, those were solid wood rectangular tables to be shared by at least three students.

Sasuke, for his part, had somehow been driven to an inconsolable rage and was quickly on his way to incinerating anything and everything but Naruto – though not for lack of trying.

"And he's an Uchiha but he doesn't know the first damn thing about police work! And he's always brooding in a corner somewhere! And he runs away from girls! I could just go on and on!"

"Die!"

Sakura, in desperation, practically bowled her (assumedly) new sensei over. "Sensei! Thank god you're here! You have to stop them!"

"Wha – buh... but I was only half an hour late."

Kakashi had to duck under a projectile flaming desk before he could continue. "An-Anyways, yes. I am very disappointed at this show of in-team hostility and on these grounds I formally reject –"

Naruto made a diving roll towards the newcomer and proceeded to block a barrage of kunai with what was left of the class chalkboard. "Whoah, nice try jackass! Oh, hey there. Are you our new sensei?"

"This destructive behavior is–"

"Oh about that, there's this old school rule that we're not responsible for any training-related damages. It's considered the teacher-on site's fault for lack of supervision." Naruto placed a consoling arm on his new sensei. "Sorry about that, sensei."

"Training? This isn't – wait, no. I'm not..." the veteran truly began to panic. "I hereby formally reject"

"Oops, hold that thought." Naruto caught a piece of spinning wood shrapnel aimed at his head. He paused to look at its surface. "Ohshit that's actually pretty clever Sasuke. Uh, can you hold on to this, sensei? Thanks." Whereby, Naruto stuffed the wood into the interior of his sensei's Jounin jacket and tackled a nearby Sakura to the floor just in time to avoid the majority...

Of the blast radius.

"H-Hereby... hereby formally reject," A smoking, floored Jounin coughed. "reject..."

________________________________________

"You 're late!" Naruto and Sakura shouted in unison

"Ah, sorry. I was lost on the road of life."

"Liar!"

"You're right. I was hospitalized." Kakashi pointed towards his various bandages.

"Oh... that's right" Sakura said.

Naruto sported a sheepish look. "Er..."

After the explosive tag on that wood shrapnel had gone off, Kakashi had been in relatively good health for living through such a thing – thinks to powerful internal chakra reinforcement.

However he was temporarily immobilized in the middle of a battlefield as well as simply stunned dumb by the outrageous going-ons. This had not boded well once Sasuke discovered a soldier pill in one of the destroyed desk remains.

And Naruto discovered a new and exciting use for jounins as very resilient cover – when utilized at just the right angle.

Kakashi took a deep breath. "I hereby formally reject this team."

"Wha – you can't do that!" Sakura exclaimed.

"You're right." The scarecrow sighed. "I just wanted to say it."

The bookworm blinked. "Wow, really?"

Kakashi nodded– he had recaptured his aloof pace somewhat. The trick was to simply recognize the pure talent for mass havoc this teem represented and to be ready for it by, as suggested by Naruto's sister, never ever allowing him to become bored around someone he didn't like. Or angry at someone he didn't like. Or offended by someone he didn't like. And to remember that he grew up around legend of shinobi's and had the bad habit of presupposing that their feats weren't entire leagues ahead of the standard, and that...

Kakashi strained to remember the rest of the list but his memory wasn't what it normally was, being that he'd just come out of the hospital.

"Apparently, this team is considered to be of too great a national asset. You're some kind of 'dream team' and the Hokage won't let me reject you." Kakashi fought hard the sporadic tick of annoyance he'd been developing since the old man had come to his medical bed with the news. "Or throw you off a cliff. For instance you: you're the sole heir to the Houou family estate – you're currently in debt but those debts were taken against assets tied to Konoha and considered of top socioeconomic priority. There are also, of course, the medical techniques your mother has invented but hasn't shared – or that simply aren't feasible by any other ninja."

"Hm, is that how kaa-chan gets away with all that crap?"

"You could say that's a big part of it."

This intruiged him tremendously. "Does that mean I can get away with it too?"

"Um, no." Kakashi paled. "No I don't think so." It was at this point that Kakashi resolved never to mention that due to a unique set of circumstances the top spot on his 'do not offend' list was firmly and forever taken by the blonde's adopted older sister. "And you, Sasuke, are the sole inheritor and possessor of the entire Uchiha estate – what's left of it – and last legitimate holder of a very powerful bloodline."

"Hn"

"And you," Kakashi turned to Sakura, paused, and checked his papers again, "oh, you're actually nothing special"

"What!" Sakura exclaimed. "Don't say it like that!"

"That's strange. Why... oh, I get it – you're that token female character placed here so that the Hokage can keep support of kunoichi advancement programs rolling." Kakashi paused. Sakura's jaw dropped. "And to keep up the appearance that we don't care about family backgrounds in our ninja." Kakashi glanced at his only female student, found her to be imitating a statue, and pressed on regardless. "Well I already know all about you three so we'll skip the introductions. Questions?"

Naruto raised his hand. "What killed all the humans?"

"...What?"

"Sorry. Just checking. Never mind."

"Well all right then – Yes?" Naruto had raised his hand immediately again.

"How'd you get your hair to stick up like that?"

"I'm going to ignore that question. Sasuke?"

Sasuke glared venomously in Naruto's direction. "I want to be transferred away from him."

"That's not a question Sasuke."

________________________________________

Team 7 was assigned D-ranked missions much to Naruto's dismay and, honestly, confusion.

"But we're awesome, so can't we just skip all the low level stuff and start exploding some bandit camps?"

He'd skipped gokyaku to go after karyuu endan, after all. And everyone had seemed fine with it at the time.

Yet here they were, stupidly pulling vegetables.

Naruto, who was the most physically powerful, was plucking football sized, overgrown radishes free of dry, hard, and packed earth before tossing them behind himself rather casually.

Sasuke, the most dexterous and precise with eye-hand co-ordination (for obvious reasons) was tasked with plucking strawberries and did so at an almost supersonic rate.

Sakura carried the baskets.

...

Well, while that wasn't very impressive, she also kept exact track of quantities within each individual basket on the cart despite the enormous speed at which that changed and could, shortly after being asked, approximate the weight and dollar value of each.

Although that, Naruto noted, was entirely useless in the current situation.

"Don't say 'useless'!"

What was odd about the mission was their company.

"Smile, Naru-chyaaan~!"

Click. Click. Click.

"Damnit, Kaa-chan!"

"Oh shush. Like I'd miss your first D-Rank." Tsunade scoffed. "I can't wait till they have you walking dogs or pulling cats out of trees or something! The humiliating pictures must be saved for the prosperity of future generations."

Sakura blinked. "I can't believe it... but you know I think she's really serious Naruto-kun."

"I can't believe she hasn't run out of damn film yet." Naruto groaned.

"I can't believe how adorable you look when you pout like that!" Tsunade rejoiced.

"...I can't believe I'm on this team" Sasuke muttered to himself. He was overheard.

"I can't either." Kakashi's right arm – which Tsunade had caught holding Icha Icha in her beloved adopted son's presence – had been broken in six places, and healed only in five. This was on the condition that the last would be healed and his immense sufferings would end once he divulged the hiding places of the rest of his adult media– that Tsunade could have them all burnt to the ground.

He was still debating the issue.

________________________________________

The Houou family was having a tea over at the Hyuuga estate one day.

"Thanks Hinata-chan"

Hinata smiled as she returned the tea pot.

"So," Tsunade kicked off the conversation, "Naru-chan, I heard you were causing all sorts of trouble for the old man, huh?" She laughed heartily.

"Naruto-kun, you should take your missions more seriously" Shizune complained – then she checked herself. Had her statement been socially acceptable? She was still unused to being invited into the heart of Konoha's most prestigious clan grounds.

Naruto blinked. "Wait... I'm supposed to take them seriously? No one told me that."

To this, the adopted sister gaped. "What do you mean? They're there to help with your growing process you know. You're to learn from them."

"What?" the mint-new gennin honestly, truly, seemed surprised. "I thought they were just some kind of wierd embarrassing initiation thing."

"What would make you think that?"

Naruto silently pointed to his right.

Tsunade, surprised at being sold out by her own son, coughed on her tea.

Shizune supposed she should have known – she really should have. "Tsunade-sama!"

Her mentor objected. "Well it's true! If those things aren't an 'I did it, so you sure as hell have to do it' thing then I don't know what they are!"

Oblivious to the impending scolding his mother was about argue her way out of, Naruto interjected. "Well I guess it doesn't matter."

"It does!" Shizune frowned. "It's practice for being a proper ninja!"

"But I've been doing them as a proper ninja!"

Now this honestly confused Shizune quite a bit. On one hand, she trusted her otoutou implicitly – to a fault at times, she was willing to admit. On the other hand, she had quite a bit of evidence to refute him with. "Didn't you try to paint a fence with that futon technique of yours?"

Naruto sighed fondly at the memory. "And it almost worked, too."

"You destroyed the fence! Er," Shizune paused, "forgive my impropriety Hyuuga-sama. I don't mean to perpetuate a ruckus." She bowed.

Haishi gave a graceful dismissive gesture. "It's quite all right." He was certainly used to such behaviour by now – as were the rest of the compound.

"I thought it would be a ninja fence," Naruto, ignoring the side going-ons with Hiashi, objected. "You know, like maybe it went six feet straight into the ground or something."

Hinata blinked. "Is that what you thought about that log when you hospitalized Iruka sensei?"

Naruto bristled at the topic. "Well the logs at our house go eight feet down" he objected. "And I told him I was sorry. And about the fence thing, I thought maybe the paint was special ninja paint too. You know, super thick or something."

"But your jounin sensei told you everything was normal" Tsunade pointed out. She'd been there. With two cameras.

"But he's a ninja," Naruto pressed. "Ninja's try to trick people. And that guy lies like all the time. And if it had worked, I'd totally be called a genius right now. I think not doing something just because some other guy says it wont work is silly and as a ninja I feel that we should be more badass than that."

Tsunade shrugged, having only pretended to object in the first place. "Works for me. Give em' hell kid."

Hiashi also found this reasoning – while very unorthadox – to be in keeping with the shinobi tenants of open-mindedness and constant vigilance.

"Well I suppose when you say it like that..." Shizune sighed. She expected something like that... "But this sounds dangerously like a free pass to totally unreasonable shortcuts."

"Isn't it great?"

She'd expected that, too.

"Besides," Naruto mumbled quietly, "the fence was for that restaurant that wouldn't let us in."

Hearing this alternative motive, there was a sharp ring as a teacup slammed onto the wooden table. "Wha- that one with the warty, froggy guy?" Tsunade was suitably impressed. "High five, Naru-chan! That's my son!"

"No high-fives!" Shizune objected. Then she stopped to recall the absolutely atrocious restaurant owner and when Tsunade proposed a toast instead she didn't have the heart to object.

Shizune noted, however, that her brother's teacup was empty and sought to remedy this.

There was a resounding ring of dissatisfaction. It was the clear, piercing, and distinct tone of expensive china rattled upon equally expensive china at a very particular angle. The sound was not dissimilar in its obtrusiveness from that of an alarm bell - and had a similar stopping effect.

All conversation immediately paused.

And Shizune's hand, outreached, froze centimeters from the teapot.

Hinata Hyuuga had -apparently with the speed and control required to impact the top 'just so' and create such a sharp and distinct sound -beaten her to the item. The Heiress's palm now rested delicately there on the lid of it.

With a very surreal dawning, Shizune realized that she'd been pot-blocked.

Hyuuga blank, pale eyes shadowed from most by the heiresses bangs failed to reflect the light and the heiress's expression – from Shizune's angle – was one of cold business.

...Oh. Shizune gathered her wits and then gave a courteous head nod as if to say 'go ahead'. Why... that's just so cute!

The moment passed with Shizune and Tsunade accepting the occurrence so naturally that if it weren't for the giggles and whispers between them, one would doubt its occurrence.

Hiashi was doubtlessly surprised. That was his daughter? Hinata? She's never been that serious. He observed the girl in a new light. When did she move? She dared engage in a battle of wills with anyone?

He had tried... pulled, poked, prodded, and pursued in every imaginable direction to elicit such a display of confidence even just in passing.

And here she had been more Hyuuga than she ever had...

...over who could pour the tea?

"Ah. Thanks Hinata-chan"

Hinata smiled.

Naruto had been oblivious to anything but the surface implications – there had obviously been some confusion over the tea (like bumping into someone when trying to bypass).

Hiashi, being a patient man by nature and principle, observed the tea situation with new purpose.

"Aaaah~" Naruto sighed contentedly. "That's good tea. Did you make it, Hinata-chan?"

"Um," as was her occasional habit, the girl closed in on herself and only with particular dining mannerism training did she restrain herself from fiddling with her hands as she stared at her lap. The blush she fought valiantly with Hyuuga mental training exercises to only limited success. "Y-Yes."

"I thought so. You add a little lemon or something, right?"

"U-Um." She turned positively scarlet at him knowing her tea so well, and had to hide her face discreetly by taking sudden interest in a calligraphy hanging opposite. "Tha-That's a... secret..."

Fiddle. Fiddle.

Oh, she just couldn't help herself there – why that was practically flirting!

Haiashi seized this chance, while Hinata was distracted, "Naruto-san, your cup's empty. Let me –"

He was interrupted by the gentle sound of poured liquid.

"Let you what, Haiashi?" Naruto sipped his newly filled teacup. "And thanks Hinata-chan."

She smiled.

"...Ah, no. Nothing." Haiashi had nothing to do but wonder what had just happened here. "Never mind."

She had had channelled the very essence of water. Smooth, gentle, fluid, yet purposed.

Neither ending without cause, nor starting without cause.

It was more that she caressed the air, than she reached out through it.

More that she embraced the teapot, than she snatched it away from under him.

Pristine efficiency in motion.

Rather than being faster, she had been so beautifully natural that he hadn't noticed something wrong until he looked down to find the teapot conspicuously missing.

And when she replaced the pot she looked up at him – looked up and gave him a smile.

Hidden in that smile – rather by the epitome of calmness, the half-lidded steady look, and the unnatural length that it held for – a message was projected.

Honorable Father. Don't you f^%k with my tea or we're going to have a problem.

Well...

Well, sunnovabitch.

Tea, was it?

He was forcefully reminded of his wife. She had been so kind, so gentle, so caring.

So utterly terrifying that one time he'd come home with a strand of blond hair on his haori. (it had been a cat of course – but that had taken him three very pitiable weeks to prove that absolutely).

"Naruto-san" Haiashi began. "How do you feel about a tutoring job – on the side?"

________________________________________

Sakura stood at the entrance and peered in to the courtyard wearily.

"What's wrong, Sakura-chan? Come on in!"

"Well..." the girl began uneasily, "it's just that, according to our textbooks the Houou ancestral estate was infamous for being so well trapped that no one had ever even successfully committed theft on it."

She looked uneasily at some of the rocks on the ground – as if they might bite her.

Which was ridiculous, she objectively understood.

They were far more likely to explode.

"Oh that," Naruto guffawed, "No, they got it all wrong. Don't worry, getting in here's a piece of cake!"

"Eh? Really? But then how come..."

"Well you're a guest so don't worry! Our house is actually pretty smart."

"...smart?" She'd best just let this one drop for now.

She was surprised to find a pair of Hyuuga's sitting in seiza in the back-yard (which was large to the point of absurdity) behind the house.

"'Kay." Naruto began his address. "Now from what I can tell I'm here to teach you all how to fight. Now Sakura-chan's here so she can impress her object of perversion"

"I'm not a pervert!"

"- by not being the token female, non-shinobi background, teammate."

"Don't say 'token teammate!'" Sakura threw her bag at the impertinent blonde.

Naruto, used to such outbursts, deftly sidestepped and pressed on. "But you two are damn rich and connected – and I have no idea why the hell both of you need to be sent to a gennin like me. If it was medicine, I'd get it. But this seems kind of weird."

"Father is surprisingly frugal." Hanabi supplied coolly. "I am here on his demand to at least try you out before I never come back."

"Stingy huh? You know, I never would have guessed." Naruto crossed his arms and pondered that briefly. "Anyways, I'm not actually the best out there for teaching – if it's just normal stuff then teachers are the best out there for teaching. Let me see... but if its flashy high-risk tactics, or how to fight with so much guts that you win because the other guy just can't out-macho you, or even how to prank people and blame it on anyone you want without even Sannin ever catching you if you don't want them to... then I guess I'm the guy for the job."

Sakura groaned in frustration. "That's not what I came here for, damn it! Get serious already! Shaanro!"

Naruto gave her a look. "I'm totally serious."

Uwa~. That's even worse.

"Um, Naruto-kun... Guts? I-I don't really think... I-I mean..."

"W-We're Hyuuga!" Hanabi protested her share, very unusually flustered. Pranks? Ridiculous. Absurd. Unnoble! Who cared about pranks, anyways? Why, it was pranktically unheard of. Totally unpranktical. Pranks – pshaw! Pshaw, indeed! "We don't – don't have an interest in such things. It's just not done. Don't compare us to the common prank – the common folk." Hanabi corrected quickly. "I said common folk."

"...Right. Okay." Naruto figured he'd just let that one slide.

"That's what I said. I'm a Hyuuga and we are always right."

"I believe you" Naruto deadpanned. "Oh, and also this entire place is layered with so much privacy protection that not even Byakyuugans can look in here. Of course you can't look out either. So I can also give you a place where there is literally no chance of anything you say or do here reaching back to your parents at all." Naruto paused. "And I guess we can – wow, when did you get down there?"

A tiny Hyuuga was found prostrate at his feet. "Mould me, oh master!"

"Er..."

"I want to prank my father."

Naruto considered the mini Hyuuga. "You..." He spoke out purposefully slowly, so that she could be sure to understand exactly what it was she was asking here. "You want to prank the head of house of the most perceptive and proud clan in forever? Your own father?"

"So very much."

"... Yeah, okay, let's do it." Naruto had considered the task for all of three seconds."Wanna' blame it on that one old cranky lady no one likes?"

The sparkles in Hanabi's eyes could have blinded lesser shinobi.

"Hang on. What about me?" Sakura questioned. "Can you at least tell me what you think I should do, before you start planning something that I really don't want to know the details of?"

Actually, I totally do want to know. But plausible deniability... deniability!

Naruto gave his friend a once-over. "Hmm... well from where you are you kind of lack the one thing you're not really allowed to lack as a ninja Sakura-chan."

"Eh? What's that?"

"Raw power" Naruto clenched a fist before himself in emphasis. "Any tricks and skills you have are gonna' mean a lot more if you actually have something to shut the other guy down. But that's not too bad. It's actually pretty easy to get more power at the start."

"Eh? Ah, that's right. Aren't you like, an expert on that kind of thing Naruto-kun?" Hope bloomed in the maiden's heart. Even though he normally acted weird, this was a person who had traveled farther and fought more real-life fights than anyone else in the academy. "You're like, a 'power-type' or something, right?"

Naruto took up his lecturing pose – it was marginally less humorous now that he was older. "Well it's just what's best to start with for you. If you want to build skill then you have to learn it, and then also teach it to your body. That takes time. I mean it takes a lot of time. You don't have enough chakra or practice with jutsu to learn new ones either. Power's easy at the start. You can just give it away."

"So what should I do? Push-ups? Sparring? Oh! It's weighted clothing right? Gravity chamber?" Sakura rambled excitedly.

Nauto gave a half pity half fed-up look. "... you're thinking of manga again, aren't you." It wasn't a question.

"Um. Maybe, maybe not?" Sakura averted her eyes.

Naruto shook his head and ducked behind the corner while he continued to explain. "Getting a good weapon to swing around can help. That's what I mean when I say I can just give you power. I know this person that says she's good stuff like that - especially thrown stuff like shuriken. But I've got something better for you - it'll really let you use your head and that's what you're best at." He returned towing a large topples crate behind him. He reached in and flung some of its content at Sakura.

Being an accredited ninja now, even she could easily pluck a soft throw like that out of the air, and did so quickly enough that she had to take a moment to check what he had given her.

Then she re-checked. "This is a scroll!" she objected. "It doesn't look like a training manual scroll. I thought you said jutsu would take too long? This..." she turned the scroll over in her hands, examining the exterior. "This is a flow synchronisis matrix tool!"

Naruto sweatdropped. "I actually have no idea what the hell you just said and just which book that's from, but in the real world we call something like that a splicer. When you actually use it for a jutsu, the jutsu is called a hybrid."

"But that's the hardest kind of technique to learn!" Sakura protested. She thumbed the scroll, trying to find the seam to open it with – what quality! The outer seals were done so uniformly she couldn't even find... even find... "Is this really an FMST?"

Sakura switched gears and tried looking at the mystery scroll with a new angle.

It felt strange. Off. And something about the side bothered her...

This is... this is... wait...

"Oh my god!" the blonde's teammate went from intrigued to pants-crapping terrified in about one-fifth of a second and dropped the would-be expensive scroll like a hot potato. Or a time bomb. "That's crazy! And stupid! And crazy!" She knew she'd mentioned it before, but didn't feel she'd quite expressed herself fully that first time. "You're insane! Where did you even get that?"

"They're surprisingly cheap." Naruto supplied.

"That's not the problem, you idiot! Oh jesus! I actually touched one!"

"Oh don't be such a big baby. That's a small one." Naruto reasoned.

"You have bigger ones?"

"I just told you they were cheap. God, you're such a nag sometimes" Naruto complained. "Now," he shortly clapped his hands together to get the attention of all his would-be students, "who wants to create wide scale collateral damage in very, very flashy awesome ways that are probably mostly safe – with no later repercussions in any way, and full support of any and all authority figures?"

"L-Let me get my piggybank!" The last words needed to be strained to hear, as the little Hyuuga was halfway off the premises before she finished.

"Er," Sakura, far from ready to sign up as a full-time student, was now debating weather her money would be better spent on a full set of protective gear. Or life insurance.

Hinata smiled nervously, full of doubt that this would actually suit her, and excessively concerned about the beautiful terrain's welfare (as for her own welfare, she quite naturally presupposed that Naruto-kun would save her if things got dicey), and produced her pocketbook.

"Eh? I mean thanks, but maybe you and your sister should hold back until you see what we're actually doing here."

"No... I-I think I can put up with it... maybe..."

"Put up with it? No, no, that's not how it works! You gotta' have confidence! At least sound like you have confidence. You can put up with it! Say it!"

"I – I can put up with it?"

"More conviction!"

________________________________________

The third Hokage of Konoha sat at his desk – hands steepled and considering a certain gennin team. In particular, he considered a certain blonde.

Said blonde had recently attempted to blackmail – blackmailing the Hokage of all things! – his way into a C-rank mission.

And Sarutobi wasn't entirely sure, but the blonde may have succeeded.

"Hey Hokage-sama. What's up?"

"Naruto. Hello. I heard you wanted to see me?"

"Well, I came to talk about how you're a pervert and how me not spreading this around will get my awesome team and me a C-rank mission."

"What?" Sarutobi was alarmed. "I'm not a pervert!" Discreetly (in a way only a ninja could) he checked that his secret unmentionable hiding spot was indeed out of sight and undisturbed. "Why would you think I was a pervert?"

"Cuz' you're old."

"That's hardly..."

"And someone taught Ero-Uncle how to be a pervert – he said it was you."

"That's ridiculous!" Sarutobi pushed back surfacing memories of spying on hot springs with his old student. "Totally absurd."

"And I found your Icha Icha" the blonde held up a copy.

"You WHAT?" Hurriedly, Sarutobi checked a certain desk droor and was halfway to releasing the secret mechanism within when he caught himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm getting old."

"Haha, yeah. This is just one of the random presents Ero-Sennin likes to give me – dang he's perverted. What did you do to him?"

"Naruto-kun... unfortunately for you, I don't think you can actually substantiate any of this."

"Yeah, well I still know you're a pervert for sure now. Who's Kaa-chan going to believe? Me, who would actually know that I'm telling the truth, or you – who's totally a pervert. You pervert."

The old Hokage gave a long suffering sigh.

Team 7 had performed a number of D-rank missions with startling variances of success. And it almost all, he mused, came down to Naruto.

He had, so to speak, reinvented the wheel at every opportunity. Taking the dogs for a walk, according to him, had been much more efficient when he'd wrapped the twelve sizable pets in an enormous tied up tarp as he jogged the required distance while dragging them behind him. In this way he'd literally, so to speak, taken them (like a package) for a walk.

Which of course was entirely apart from the objective.

But being told that it was for exercise purposes, he'd instead proceeded to incite the dogs by poking them with sticks and taunting them with meat and treats, then thrash them soundly in a 'sparring match'.

"What? This is definitely better exercise. It's how all of us ninja do it and just look at us!"

Possibly worse than that, there'd been no physical evidence as he'd healed them all up quite well afterwards.

Being told to clear the trash in training ground 9 (there'd been a party there the previous night) he'd performed a futon jutsu and blown all the trash, along with his teammates and several other gennins assigned to the task, into a fence on the other side of the clearing. The mass, with the wind, then bowled the fence over.

Reportedly, he had expected everyone to anchor themselves to the ground immediately after his warning.

As if he expected them all to know tree-walking, much less effective anchoring.

And then there was that cat fiasco.

And he had literally no idea what to make of that, but he did have a letter of praise from the Daimyo himself over the matter and that should –would normally– count for something.

Possibly worst of all Sarutobi had no idea if these were serious and creative, if maladjusted attempts...

Or if the blonde boy was just trying to make his domestic mission reports so outrageous that Sarutobi would cave and give him something exciting.

The lad had grown up in the company of very high powered shinobi – and such people never held anything close to normal damage tolerances and views of the acceptability of collateral damage. The lad had spent a great deal of his free time training, he was to understand, when others were out learning social and practical standards

Sarutobi turned his chair and gazed nostalgically at the portraits of his predecessors. He was of the habit that in moments of utter bewilderment like this, would often seek the remembered wisdom of his old teachers.

"Sensei! Sensei..." Sarutobi went to his knees to plead for advice from his old mentors. He understood that their time was quite valuable and that the Hokage's office was really not the place to do this – but he was desperate. "I just don't know what to do with Jiraiya..."

"Well what's wrong?" Contrary to his position, the Shodaime (now retired) sat in the Hokage's chair.

"I can't get him to be good at anything"

"Oh? Anything, hm? That's a tough one. Well, Sarutobi, you have to understand that not many in this world are able to be good at absolutely anything."

"...What?"

"It takes a very certain kind of person to be good at anything, and often they are also not the ones for the job, as they are often excellent at nothing."

...? His sensei loved to teach using these word riddles – he was kind and wise, but didn't really believe in a free lunch

"Oh give him a break brother" second and current Hokage interjected from his spot seated amongst stacks of paper atop the desk. "He's got enough on his plate with this new team, in addition to all the other responsibilities you want to give him! What he means, Sarutobi, is that you need to understand your student more. If this Jiraiya, as you're so sure, has such potential, then you don't need him to be good at everything or even most things – you just need him to be good at what he can do."

"I – I see."

"It's a great place to start", the shodaime added

"But... but senseis, Jiraiya's problem is that he doesn't focus on the training. No matter what I do, he won't take it seriously!"

"Hm... there is an old proverb for this."

"Oh, not another one, brother. You've confused him enough I think"

"No! Please go ahead!"

"If you give a ball of yarn to a cat, it will play. If you give a mouse, it will hunt."

"I... I think I understand."

"Incidentally, if you give a ball of yarn to a seamstress she may be productive and knit, but give her a mouse and she may run away!" Uproarious laughter

"That was terrible brother."

Sarutobi liked it. "I... wonder what Jiraiya will say if I compared him to a cat."

Surprise. "Oh, no. Don't get caught up in the proverb Sarutobi. It is just an analogy. The cat, and the types of person the cat represents, could just as easily be something worthy of fear. After all if he is the cat who is to say whom is the mouse? Further more a Tiger... is also merely a large cat."

So he'd sent out a high chuunin to asses the three as a group.

Classic covert pretend kidnapping mission.

As if on que, said assessor staggered through the door.

"S-Sir, reporting sir. The Houou somehow found me before I found them. I was pressing him successfully by relying on my superior reach and skill in close ranged combat to avoid his sloppy taijutsu, until the Uchiha caught me with his wires. Then the Houou then seemed to shrug off the cumulative damage I'd given him and gave me a full-nelson rather than restrain me normally for nor readily apparent reason. The Uchiha then incinerated the both of us – which the Houou shrugged off with a little more difficulty and took much more offense to."

The chuunin took a deep but shaky calming breath. "The pink haired one tied me up quite well while her teammates descended into a brawl and I tried to recover. She then pulled a book from somewhere and explained the various ways they could sue me for this until I broke my cover and talked... Hokage-sama... I'm not legally considered an enemy insurgent while under cover, am I?" He asked, honestly concerned. "Because her argument was very convincing."

Sarutobi massaged his temples.

He wasn't entirely certain but it seemed they were ready after all.

Well then, what to do...

To be honest, he had never planned to risk such a politically critical team on just anything. Hence he had assigned his single most rounded and capable active Jounin to the task.

He wasn't much of a teacher – he never had been.

But he was a damn good ninja.

Regardless of how much he might want to actualize the young Houou's potential – and curtail the stream of damage reports the lad was responsible for – he was simply too valuable.

His mother, more than anything, had claimed herself as the ultimate wildcard. She may be pitiful at poker – but she had made very clear previously that she did not gamble with her son.

The very fact that she had returned to Konoha implied an excessive surplus of force. He'd seen – or rather felt – her political machinations. All of Konoha had felt it. Jiraiya reported her as having regained a startling 85% of her past physical battle capability – evening out around what the pervert himself had managed. And...

And then there was that.

If her claims were to be believed – and the woman was a terrible fibber – then she had the ear of one of the elites from the old days.

There weren't many of those left... the monsters that Konoha's status of 'strongest' had sprung naturally from were of an exceptional rarity these days.

They were all old now – or dead. And the new era of Konoha had not been as blessed with talent. Thinking objectively, such a period of supermen and women could only come once a century.

Of the old-time elites... there was one in particular that the woman might have unique access to – one could almost call it easy – but that one was supposed to be long since behind them all. Put to rest forever.

And that one was the most terrifying, because that one had been amongst the most fearful and they had been young – would be young even now.

With his shinobi forces old or ordinary, Sarutobi considered the risk.

That one... that one could be killed. With a small army. In an enclosed space.

But with the proper tools? With time to recuperate and infiltrate? Freedom of movement? Terrain to be exploited? Without the Yondaime around...

Might as well challenge a phantom to fisticuffs – the frustration and futility involved would not be dissimilar.

And so, before he did anything with this politically and economically extremely tempting offer from water country calling out a Houou – any Houou – by name, he would lastly need to consult with his old time student.

Best bring the good sake along then.

________________________________________

Omake

"You %^&*#% cat. %^&* you, you hear me? %^&* you to hell!"

"Naruto-kun," Sakura groaned. "Stop swearing at the cat – it's embarrassing. And I'm sure there was a reasonable explanation for its escape... again..."

Although, to be fair, the cat was by this point so infamous a public menace that only it's status as the Daimyo's wife's favoured pet kept it out of the bingo books. And Sakura hadn't been given point position in any of the twelve cat retrieval missions they'd had in as many days. She had neither been assaulted by claw or fang, nor spit, peed on, or hairballed at (she swore it must be a ninja-cat or something, for its resourcefulness). And in all of the resulting drama, mud, and dirt, she had been conspicuously absent due to her laid back task of rear-guard.

Sasuke who, like Naruto, had several scratches as new facial decoration said words that may never actually be repeated in his entire relationship with his team. "I agree with the idiot. %^&* the cat."

"I agree too. Keep it up Naruto-kun!" Sakura sang a very different tune with the Uchiha as her conductor, although he hadn't actually said anything about encouraging swearing. "Pull out all the stops!" She urged, on a spur of the moment.

"Pull out all the stops?" Naruto echoed. "You know... that's so crazy it jus might work."

Here, Naruto pulled the cat towards his face "Listen and listen good, you little %^&*tastic %^&*er. I'll $%#$^$#$% your entire litter inside-out if I see your %^& (*&$# self again. Don't %^&* with me, you goddamn son of a (*#$, or I'll take your own #$#$ hairball and !#* !# !$# with a shovel! I'll find a %^&* flagpole and..."

Naruto continued this for the entirety of the walk back.

About two minutes in, the rest of team seven became unnerved enough that they started to walk far enough ahead that they couldn't here the practically demonic intimidation going on behind them.

"Here's your cat back, Ma'am."

"Why thank you! Oh my darling!" The robust Daimyo's wife smothered the cat in her bosom. "Oh, sweetums, did you miss mommy? And why are you all white? Is this flour?"

"No Mam," Naruto reported, "its fur has just gone white with fear, Mam."

"With fear?" The woman, it seemed, would possibly have a heart attack in terror at the concept.

Sakura sweated nervously and tried intensely to formulate an actually plausible cover for her team.

Sasuke turned up the aloof 'it doesn't concern me' vibe, hoping that people would assume he had nothing to do with it.

Kakashi copied him.

Naruo just laid it on thicker."Yes Ma'am, the forest around here is very terrifying for housecats Ma'am. Even the wild cats around here are very vicious."

"Oh my! Is that why he's shaking too? Oh, sweetums!" The cat, who had neither removed its eyes from Naruto, nor blinked for the entire meeting, was smothered to the point of near-suffocation by its owner. "You look so dreadful!"

Naruto tried to make it look casual as he brushed his few bangs (his hair was still pretty spiky) away from his forehead, drawing attention his diamond mark and the fact that he was the Miracle Medic Tsunade's heir. "Well, Ma'am, the forest is also home to a host of diseases the average cat isn't prepared for. This is my professional opinion."

Sakura flinched. What are you saying? She was actually buying it! There's no way in hell –

"Oh, no, that's terrible! Why, what disease could she have, doctor?"

I don't believe it!

Sakura really did face-fault this time. Sasuke was actually halfway to the floor before he stopped himself, issued a fake cough, and pretended he hadn't been about to do something so absurd.

Sakura peeled herself off the floor still disbelieving of their good fortune – but not in a hurry to find the end of it any time soon. Naruto-kun, enough! Stop now! Don't you dare, don't you (*&^%$ dare make up anything more stu –

"I'm afraid," Naruto paused. He tried to make it seem like a dramatic pause but in reality he hadn't thought this far and had actually run out of bullshit a while ago. Having no choice, he went with the first thing that came to him, "that all signs point towards... the 'Scardy Cat' disease."

Goddamnit Naruto-kun!

Just as Sakura was ready to slam her friend's head into the table in wrathful punishment for getting them all hanged for deceiving the Daimyo's Wife of all people...

"Doctor, what is to be done?"

Sakura's mouth dropped. Her mind, if it could be said to do such a thing, experienced a gaping silence as it formulated what thought would even express it's incredulity.

Inner Sakura was fine though. Wow, that was actually pretty funny!... Hey, hey main personality, aren't you going to say something? You there? Helooo? Huh.

Naruto looked at the damn devil cat of fire country rendered white and shaking and helpless as it was quickly being devoured by its owner's bosom and would shortly, he assumed, pass out from lack of air.

He looked at the creature... one which had caused him no end of strife these past few days... and was deeply surprised to feel a measure... of compassion.

This cat... this cat was not born evil, annoying, and downright vicious. It was a victim of circumstance.

"To cure Scardy Cat disease..." Naruto took a deep breath. "It will probably seem weird, but the patient needs a certain amount of time alone."

"What?" the woman asked, confused.

"It needs a certain amount of space. It needs freedom. Don't hold it so tightly, for instance."

"Oh, but snookums likes this." The woman all but whined.

Like hell he does was the cumulative thought of all save Sakura, who was still trying to catch up with the illogic of the situation.

"And he's such a frail little kitty."

Like hell he is!

"Can't you subscribe a medicine, doctor?"

"No can do Ma'am, it's a psychological ailment. Your cat needs to stand up for itself a little more –it needs to, like, catch a fish now and then. It needs to grow as an..." Naruto's brow furrowed. "...individual cat."

That sounded so stupid.

"Well," the woman gave a greatly reluctant, suffering sigh, "I suppose. If you say so, doctor. Come along snookums."

She gently loosened her grip on the cat – inadvertently saving it's life – and proceeded to leave after giving a generous tip for the 'free' medical advice to Naruto personally.

During this exchange, as the cat-loving woman rifled through her purse, Naruto leaned in close to his quarry and reinforced by whisper. "Don't let me %^& see you again, or you're %^&* (*&^% on a stick. A pointy stick. Thorns will be #*^* involved. Understand?"

"Here you go. Thank you for looking after snookums, dear."

"My pleasure Ma'am."

As the woman left the building the room gave a collective sigh.

Sakura, who had just released a breath she didn't know she'd been holding, began to hyperventilate as if to make up the difference of time. "What are we going to do?" She violently shook her blond friend. "Oh my god, what are we going to do? We'll be found out for sure – that was such a stupid excuse! We're going to be executed!"

Catching herself, she swiftly clamped both hands over her mouth, noting that she'd just revealed their secret to there room at large herself in her panic.

"What? Who's going to tell her?" Naruto asked incredulously.

"Anyone can figure it out – it's so stupid!" She yelled, then caught herself. "I mean, hypothetically speaking – if we had lied – which we didn't."

"Are you kidding?" Naruto laughed her concerns off. "Jeez, you're smart but you're so stupid sometimes. Who's going to do that, and have that cat escape again? %^&* the cat."

Sakura looked around the room and was surprised to see solemn nods from the ninja's – and the one royal attendant still finishing some paperwork.

"%^&* the cat." they chorused.

On that day a pact was formed. Unspoken, but passed on and universally understood, it would be upheld far after the cat in question would eventually pass away

Naruto would later discover that he'd actually installed a new psychological condition into the medical world.

He subsequently tried to argue that this should count as treating a previously untreatable illness – as he'd subscribed treatment - for his mother's 'unofficial final exam', but it didn't quite pan out with her even after he could get her to stop laughing.

________________________________________

A/N

As always no beta and I can only do so much on my own so I'm counting on you early readers – corrections/typos/names/continuity. If you spot, inform please.

Seiza, I believe, is that way of sitting like at the tea-table in Japan. You know, with your legs tucked under you and formally and stuff.

Well, it finally came to this time. In every Naruto AU that wants to at least vaguely shadow cannon plot – as most do – there comes time to decide on a few key issues. Sasuke: good/evil, perpetual jerk/eventual friend? Haku: boy/girl? Konoha: total jerks/regular jerks. And team assignments.

I chose classic team 7 in the end because it just seemed right at the time. Also, I'm not fond of the idea of member shuffling or 4 man teams. Everyone, including team 7, seems to nicely fit in exactly where they are.

Loooong chapter. Long. I kept needing to add things. There were various plot threads I needed to start here in particular. I know a lot of people don't read fanfiction for the intrigue and mystery (I usually don't) but it's important to me and the story.

And I originally wanted to do wave. But no. No wave. Hell no wave. I've just seen too much of it and my version woulnd't be quite fresh enough that I could even bring myself to write it. (I used to read a lot of Naruto. Back then we didn't have Shippuden or anything, and AUs beginning before the chuunin exams were all the rage. I have nothing against a good wave country in a story, except that it's like eating cheese every day for a year - I just can't take anymore unless I eat some metaphorical curry.)

I was also going to originally have Sasuke and Naruto develop a standard type of friendship and this bond would keep Sasuke on the 'good' side. However, the key to this was abandoned last chapter when I decided to forgo the epic-darkness plotpoint that had writer-blocked me for a long time. There's just nothing for it. As much as I write the story, the story writes itself once things get rolling. Without that dark plotpoint this is the natural state of their friendship - the exact intricacies of why they interact like they do will become appearant as you see them actually interact more.

Please Review.

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