Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Weapon Encounters of the Third Kind ❯ Chili Pepper ( Chapter 2 )

Toboe LoneWolf: Yaysers. This also happens to be a contest entry to the LJ ten-squared community monthly theme. To which I say: Defy convention! (W00t!) XP Okay, so I'm totally going for the what-was-Toboe-on? here instead of seriousness. Because bah, that's for a different chapter.

 

Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf does not own Naruto, and I'll leave it up to your own imagination as to whether I actually own this weapon or not. XP

 

-----------------------------

 

Weapon: Chili Pepper
AKA: ZOMG Riot Spraaaaaaay—

 

Pepper Spray:
You have a right to protect and defend yourself. Pepper spray is simple to use, effective, inexpensive, environmentally friendly and your best non-lethal defense.
Molded Key Chain Sprayer: $12.95!

 

By normal standards, the situation would be called a date. A girl cooks some food for a guy, and asks how it tastes. The guy, if wishing to remain intact, will reply with compliments.

 

Such was not the case for Tenten.

 

No, such an arrangement was called: Weapons Experimentation and Analysis.

 

Such was the sight before Neji as he walked into Tenten's kitchen. Tenten was hovering over Lee, who was shoveling some (possibly noxious) concoction into his mouth. She was peering closely, taking some sort of notes on her clipboard, nodding as Lee poured out praise.

 

"Tenten-san! This is good!"

 

"Great! I'm getting better at this. Okay, how about this one?" Tenten slid over another plate of (was that bubbling?)…something.

 

"Yes!" With glee, Lee attacked the contents on said plate.

 

Neji blinked twice. There had been some sort of oddity today when, after training, Neji had seen Tenten browsing around Konoha's food market, examining each stall's contents extremely closely, before leaving with a bag full of various jars and vegetables. Usually, when Neji saw Tenten at the market, she'd head straight towards one or two stalls, buy her things off a list and leave, quickly and efficiently. Normally Neji would shrug the observation off, except that later in the day Neji had received a disturbing phone call from Lee.

 

"Neji-kun! Tenten-san has invited me to dinner, and I could not help but think of you, my most honored and esteemed rival!"

 

And thus Neji was significantly disturbed to pay Tenten a visit.

 

"Oh, hey Neji!"

 

Because Tenten and voluntary cooking for another person could mean only one thing:

 

"Lee's helping me test something!"

 

Something explosive.

 

Neji scanned the kitchen. Nothing significantly wrong; a pile of left-open jars and some scattered rice but nothing that blared, "I AM DANGEROUS." (The rack of knives on the wall notwithstanding…)

 

(Later Neji would have to amend aforementioned statement. Everything in the kitchen was dangerous.)

 

Neji still had not moved from the kitchen doorway. "Tenten…what are you testing?"

 

Tenten smiled. "Ah. Remember that Curry of Life shop that Sanshou-baasan ran? And that really hot curry she made the first night?"

 

…How could Neji forget? He'd almost collapsed at the burning, raging pain that somehow inflamed every single part of his body. He'd had suspicion that even his hair had increased their temperature by a few significant degrees. He had absolutely no idea how Lee survived eating it, or even liked it, unless Lee had dysfunctional taste buds or for some inexplicable reason had trained for this. Somehow.

 

"Well, I thought about using those hot spices in some sort spray. 'Cause it really knocks you out. I was thinking of spraying it into the eyes with a water bottle or something, or try incorporating it with exploding tags."

 

"…And Lee is here…?"

 

"He's helping me test how hot it is." Seeing Neji's raised eyebrow, Tenten shrugged and walked over towards him. Tilting her head slightly she whispered into Neji's ear. "I'm measuring how red his face gets. I know he doesn't have working taste buds."

 

Lee's face was bright pink. How much redder could it get?

 

"I'm waiting until he looks like a red bell pepper."

 

…This might take awhile.

 

Lee paused in his eating. "Tenten-san, what are you putting in this most wonderful curry? It has a most pleasant sensation that tingles!"

 

Tenten flipped to a few pages on the back of her clipboard. "Well, I did a bit of research, and the burning sensation comes from Capsaicin. It's basically a neurological reaction, stimulates thermoreceptor nerve endings in the skin, especially mucus membranes, so you get the crying and running and all that. Red Savina peppers have a lot of it; Habanero peppers too, and there's a few newly cultivated peppers that really rack up a punch, and of course you can use pure capsaicin extract, which would be the hottest stuff, sixteen million Scoville units. I'm trying varying combinations of those, since it's oil-soluble and I want to get a mist effect. Oh yeah, and since it's oil-soluble it can't be washed away with water; that just spreads it around. Awesome stuff."

 

Never get around Tenten when she goes into research-weapons mode.

 

"You finished, Lee? Okay, lemme try another combo." Taking a glance at her clipboard, she began shifting through the jars of seasoning and ground peppers and spooned out various spices, liquids, and other things Neji couldn't name. He did notice the generous spoonful Tenten dispensed from the "Pure Capsaicin" bottle.

 

"Okay! Try this." She slid over the plate. It was bright red. Neji felt an ominous cloud incoming.

 

With eagerness Lee took up his spoon and took a happy bite.

 

Pink…pink…pinker…

 

"KAAAANPPAAAAAAI!"

 

x x x x x

 

Team Gai was running.

 

"Oh beauteous ray of sunshine, but let me taste your cherry-red lips and I shall—"

 

"HELL NO!"

 

Why, oh why, had their target been seen in a tavern and turned into such an idiotic love-struck buffoon?

 

An idiotic love-struck buffoon that had become fixated on Tenten the moment Team Gai entered said establishment to capture him?

 

The only possible positive point to this insane mission number twenty-three was that there was no need to forcibly bind and tie him; their target came most willingly. Well, chasing really. And, Team Gai prayed, only when drunk. And if it wasn't for the fact that they were making extremely good time and their mission parameters required that their capture remain unharmed, well…

 

"Oh dewdrop of diamonds, oh epitome of flowers, oh woman with wondrous rounds of buns—"

 

"THAT'S IT!"

 

Tenten screamed bloody murder. Lee and Neji shared Tenten's sentiment and turned to watch the show.

 

The man, oblivious, leapt towards Tenten with open arms. Tenten whipped out something and aimed towards the infuriating man. Neji saw a spray of something hit the man's face.

 

The change was instantaneous. The man broke down crying, coughing, and hacking, tears streaming down his face, even more than both Gai and Lee's output potential of tears combined. Howling, the man scrubbed at his face, only to scream harder as the oils spread. He heaved, he blubbered; he was, all in all, a very sad man.

 

Tenten grinned and looked at the mister bottle in her hand. "Wow. This is awesome stuff. Maybe I can incorporate this pepper spray into some sort of simple hand device or something…"