Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ What He Wants ❯ Part 5 ( Chapter 5 )

Part 5

 

Kakashi reclines indolently on the hard cot in his cell. It is difficult to manage such a thing on a surface that doesn't resemble a bed so much as a slab of granite covered in a blanket that must be made of old hairshirts, but he manages. He is not worried. He knew that this would happen eventually, but it doesn't matter. He still has the advantage. It's an advantage that might not stay hidden for long, but there is nothing anyone can do about it, any more than one can keep one's soul from being devoured once one has summoned the shinigami.

 

His only regret, besides Iruka's unintentional headaches, is that Shiko's name has been cleared, though he is content in knowing she will still suffer. He might have been merciful and wiped Iruka from her brain—hers and her parents'—but after she'd had the nerve to ask Iruka to marry her, he couldn't let her go unpunished. Not after he had warned her. It had been a deliberate challenge, and one he wasn't about to turn the other cheek to.

 

Just thinking about the memory he'd found in Iruka's mind—Shiko smiling and cheekily joking with him about eloping, then growing serious and making an absurd speech about love and family and growing old together, culminating in a question that had left Iruka speechless and both of them tearful, and then Iruka beaming and accepting and making love to her—that memory leaves him white-knuckled with rage. Kakashi's memory for such slights is long.

 

Even after all he's done, there is a part of him that still nags at him, that says Iruka looked happy with Shiko and maybe he should have let them be, should have found someone else, or remained alone. That part of him is easy enough to brush off, though, because he knows he can make Iruka happier than that, and he will, by any means necessary. These early hurdles can be cleared. Besides, he doesn't want someone else. He doesn't need anyone, but he sees no reason to deny himself what he wants when it is within his reach.

 

He hears footsteps briskly clicking down the corridor, and recognizes the heavy bustle of the Godaime. He hopes that means Pakkun and Iruka are back with the scrolls. He is sure that he won't be allowed to see Iruka yet, but Pakkun will tell him how the chuunin looks, how he's holding up. Kakashi knows Iruka must feel betrayed, but he will understand in time. He won't have a choice.

 

The Godaime comes into view, eyes stern and troubled, and she crosses her arms and leans against the wall opposite Kakashi's cell. She stares at him, brow furrowed, and he meets her eyes impassively.

 

“Why did you do this, Kakashi?” she asks after several minutes.

 

How straightforward. She's certainly not the interrogator Ibiki is.

 

“Maa, Tsunade-sama, I've already told you—”

 

“I want to know why you would compromise a Konoha shinobi for something so trite and selfish as an infatuation. This isn't like you, Hatake.” Ire colors her amber eyes the yellow of Orochimaru's, though her voice is calm.

 

Kakashi sighs. “It's just like me, Tsunade-sama. It was me; it is me. Is that really all you came here to ask?”

 

“You have always been one of our most dedicated nins.”

 

“That hasn't changed.”

 

“Did you think I wouldn't care because he's only a chuunin? Replaceable?”

 

“Can you honestly say things wouldn't be different if I'd done this to, say, Kurenai?” Kakashi counters.

 

A horrified look flits across Tsunade's face, and he knows she's thinking about the havoc Asuma would wreak in such a situation. “Things would have been worse, yes, but my response to the situation would be the same.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“To undo the damage you've done. Though it might be harder if it had been Kurenai, since I'm counting on her help.”

 

“You can't undo what I've done.”

 

“Watch me,” Tsunade hisses.

 

Kakashi closes his eye and shakes his head. “You'll see when Iruka brings the scrolls. You could probably unravel some of it, but the most important jutsu can't be undone. Even I can't undo it.”

 

Tsunade sneers. “There's no use arguing about it now. Tell me, Hatake, is this something you're planning on doing every time you get a crush on someone?

 

“It's not a crush,” he almost snarls. “There will never be a need for me to do this again.”

 

“Do you mean to say that you're planning on spending the rest of your life with a chuunin Academy teacher?” She snorts as though the idea is complete nonsense. Kakashi can tell it's calculated so she can gauge his reaction; he knows she respects her shinobi, and Iruka in particular, if only because he was so close to Sandaime. He wonders what she's thinking, testing him in such an obvious way.

 

He shrugs. “His rank doesn't mean anything. We're together and we'll stay that way.”

 

“Because you've taken away Iruka's will in the matter.”

 

Now Kakashi is starting to get a little pissed off, but he doesn't let it show. “I haven't taken his free will away. I've just altered his memories and removed some of his learned inhibitions. How he reacts to it is up to him.”

 

“I can't believe what I'm hearing,” Tsunade breathes, pressing her thumb and index finger against her closed eyes. “Do you honestly believe that, Hatake? The man can't even think about something further back than a few weeks ago without getting a migraine—”

 

“That was unintentional—”

 

“Unintentional or not, it is what it is. And the man was engaged to be married! By all accounts, he wasn't even attracted to men at all before you got to him! And you call that leaving his free will intact? Have you completely snapped, brat?”

 

The Godaime's words hang in the air like thunder. Kakashi can't keep his hands from trembling minutely, which feeds his anger. He certainly doesn't feel anything like shame or guilt, though Tsunade's words have already run through his head many, many times. All he ever needs to chase such thoughts from his mind is one of Iruka's smiles, or a kiss, or a touch, or even Iruka smacking him in the face with a pillow that smells of him. Since Iruka isn't here, he allows himself rage and nothing else. Not that anyone who didn't know him, or wasn't a Hokage, would have noticed. He doesn't deign to answer Tsunade's questions.

 

“It looks like I really have no choice,” the Hokage murmurs.

 

“No choice?”

 

“I'm going to have to find somewhere to send Iruka and Shiko, once we do what we can to restore his mind. I hate to punish him for something he isn't responsible for, but it obviously wouldn't do any good to send you off…”

 

Kakashi is on his feet and at the clear wall of his cell almost instantly. “What do you mean, send him off? Out of the country? You're going to exile him?”

 

“I don't see any other way to make sure that you don't interfere with them.”

 

Them. She is planning on sending the two of them off together.

 

As if reading his mind, Tsunade says, “She is his fiancée. When he's in his right mind, that's who he will choose. There is no way for you to get around that, Hatake.”

 

He is surprised how much those words sting, but he won't lose. “Can you really afford to send him away, Hokage-sama? With our manpower down as much as it is?”

 

“No, I can't,” Tsunade snaps, “but letting a situation like this fester inside of Konoha will create more problems than it will avoid.”

 

“Can you afford to lose me?” Kakashi hisses.

 

Tsunade's eyes widen. “You would abandon your duties because of this? You're bluffing, brat. I've known you a long time, and unless your mind's been taken over by Ino, you would never be that selfish.”

 

Kakashi's eyes narrow. His voice is quiet as a snake when he speaks. “Tsunade-sama, everything I've ever done has been for Konoha. Everything I've wanted, I wanted for Konoha. Every jutsu I've learned, every friend I've watched die, every piece of my soul that I've lost, has all been in service to Konoha. I've kept nothing for myself.” His voice begins to rise to a low, furious growl. “Now that there is one thing that I want just for me, you're going to tell me that I can't have it, and try to keep it out of my reach? And you think I won't retaliate?”

 

He can sense her chakra flaring even through the chakra-infused glass in front of him. Her voice is serious and heavy with the promise of deadly consequences. “We are not talking about an `it'. We are talking about a shinobi who has devoted himself just as much as you have—lost just as much as you have in service of Konoha and Fire Country. In some ways, Iruka is even more important to this village than you. What you've done…” The Godaime levels a glare at him that is as cutting as a mouthful of razorblades. “If I feel that you are a liability to this village, Hatake Kakashi, I will have your Sharingan taken, your chakra permanently sealed and you exiled to the Dead Country before you can say `perfidy'. Either that or I'll simply have you killed. You may be extremely important to Konoha, but you are not equally as important. It would be a blow to lose you, but Konoha would survive.”

 

It is no idle threat, Kakashi knows. He opens his mouth, staring hard into the Hokage's tawny eyes, but snaps it shut a moment later. He can feel his control snapping, even though he is fighting hard for it. Under the microscope of his Hokage's eyes, all his calm assurances to himself and his reasons why he knows this will all work out even after all is uncovered crumble into ash. He is wracked with the contradictions that he refuses to acknowledge, hypocrisies and double standards that have been battling within him since he started this endeavor. Without Iruka he can't find his center anymore, can't quell his doubts. He can't think straight.

 

Before he even realizes what he's doing, he has swung around to smash his fist into the concrete wall next to him. It's an unimpressive hit for a shinobi, since the field around his cell inhibits chakra molding, but he manages enough to turn the wall around his fist into powder. His hand is bloody now, two fingers clearly broken, but Kakashi can't even feel it. His shoulders are shaking, vibrating like there is electricity in his veins instead of blood. Though his body is having these reactions, his mind is now completely detached, and he is grateful for it. Numb and suddenly tired, he sinks back down onto the hard pallet, letting his hands dangle between his knees.

 

He's surprised at himself. He got through hours of interrogation by Ibiki without a chink in his armor, without any reaction on his part that wasn't carefully calculated, but after ten minutes alone with the Hokage he's breaking his own bones in frustration. Maybe Tsunade's better at this than he thought, though he doubts she meant for him to injure himself. He knows from experience that Ibiki can control how you break, when, and how much with precision, even if it takes him weeks to maneuver you. He wouldn't be surprised if, somehow, it was Ibiki's interrogation that has led him to this detestable state of vulnerability.

 

He's barely aware of Tsunade entering the cell, staring down at him with a raised brow, before she sighs, kneels in front of him and takes his left hand in hers so she can begin healing it. He feels that the anti-chakra field is gone, but he doesn't feel like taking advantage of it. He'd bite his tongue off before admitting it out loud, but the Hokage's implicit trust, even in this situation, moves him a little. He doesn't look at her, though the Sharingan takes everything in, even in his peripheral vision. He shuts both eyes, blocking her out.

 

It doesn't block out her voice, though. “I understand how you feel, Kakashi. I really do. Maybe if you hadn't gone about it this way…well, I never would have given you permission to do something like this, but maybe if you'd come to me we could have worked something out.”

 

Kakashi gives a soft, barking laugh. His hand is beginning to hurt now.

 

“I don't know how that would have worked either, brat, but whatever would've happened would have to be better than this fiasco. At any rate, I won't be sending Iruka anywhere until we know exactly what we're dealing with.” His eyes are still closed, but he swears he can hear her eyebrows raise at him. “You know, for a genius, this plan of yours was incredibly flawed.”

 

Shaking his head, Kakashi cracks an eye open. “Not so flawed. But it could have been better. If I was stronger.”

 

“Stronger? What do you mean by that?”

 

Kakashi closes his eye again. He's done talking.

 

Tsunade sighs deeply. “I don't know what to do with you, Kakashi,” she whispers.

 

A wave of melancholy washes over Kakashi, and a fierce longing that he can hardly credit as originating within himself. “I want to talk to Iruka,” he mumbles, not really expecting Tsunade to reply with anything other than `no', if at all.

 

“I know,” she sighs, surprising him enough to make him open his eyes and look at her. She smiles at him briefly, sadly, as she refocuses the green glow around his hand. “I know you do.”