Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Angels of Armageddon ❯ Chapter 7: "What the Moon Seeks" ( Chapter 9 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

DISCLAIMER: The characters, story, universe, etc. of Neon Genesis
Evangelion belong to GAINAX. They're not mine, and I make no claim to
them.

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Foreword: All right, all right, I _know_ I'm running late with this
newest installment. I was also writing the prologue (recently posted
under the title "The Fire Still Burns"). Now that that's done, I
should be able to get chapters out more quickly.

Just a small note, in case you didn't read that side story:

"Rei" means "zero" in Japanese. When someone uses the word "Zero" as a
name, assume they are actually pronouncing that word, instead of saying
"Rei".

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" " = speech
^ ^ = thoughts
_ _ = italics

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Angels of Armageddon
Author: Ryan Xavier
Chapter 7: What the Moon Seeks

"Ar...Arael..." the white-haired girl was saying.

Kensuke blinked. He hadn't quite heard that right; the girl's voice
was very quiet from the exertion of forcing herself to speak correctly.

"Ariel?" he asked. "Is that your name?"

The girl shook her head weakly. "N-no...Arael..."

"Ariel, right," Kensuke said. He turned around and picked his
discarded jacket up off the ground. "Well, pleased to meet you," he
said, coming back. "I'm Kensuke Aida. Here, let me help you..."

The girl shook her head again at the mispronunciation, but quickly
realized that she was too tired to try correcting him again, and that
it wasn't really worth arguing over it, anyway. She took the boy's
hand and let him help her to her feet.

As she regained her balance, she shivered in the cold air; she was
still at a loss for clothes. Kensuke corrected that problem, wrapping
his jacket around her. She remained motionless as he did this,
noticing that the clothing helped protect her against the elements.

Kensuke's _real_ intention in giving her his jacket was mostly to cover
her up; he knew most girls wouldn't appreciate a horny teenager seeing
them naked. And this girl was rather...well-endowed, so to speak. He
was quite glad his jacket was oversized, being long enough to extend
down below her waist.

The girl grabbed fistfuls of the jacket's lining and pulled it tightly
around her, blocking out the cold as best she could. But she still
shivered; the gelatinous LCL dripping off of her body was taking all
her body warmth with it.

"Now, don't worry, we're not all alone," Kensuke began to explain.
"There's a lot of other people who've come back. We'll have some spare
clothes for you."

The girl nodded. In the back of her mind, she remembered that the
lilum were often sensitive about what parts of their bodies were put
into plain view. She didn't quite understand all the rules, but
figured it would be best to do what this boy said. At least she could
understand what he was saying. That was one of the advantages of
letting your mind touch a lilum's.

Kensuke pointed in the camp's direction. "It's kind of far...but once
we're there, you can lie down. I'm sure you're tired."

The girl nodded, blinking as the air dried her eyes. Yet otherwise,
she didn't move.

"Well...come on," Kensuke said. After another moment of
motionlessness, he reached around to her back and started pushing her
gently in the right direction. The girl stumbled, surprised, then
nodded and started walking, paying little attention to Kensuke's many
words of apology.

^It seems I succeeded,^ she thought. ^But now what? Yes, I am tired.
And...strangely empty. What is the word for it? Hunger, I believe.
This body is so weak...but it is better than what the others chose. I
guess it is as good a start as any to living as a lilum.^

She took a deep breath and let it out, slowly. Living as a lilum.
She'd made her decision, she knew. But it was still a whole new
experience, and quite frightening. No more power, no more
regeneration, no more projectable AT field...it was going to take some
getting used to.

Her footsteps slowed as she felt a small tingling in the back of her
mind. She blinked, looking off to the side - towards where the latest
MP Eva had just met its demise. What she felt was quite familiar. It
made her blood run cold.

Kensuke looked at her, worried. "Something wrong?" he asked.

"Bardiel..." she muttered. "You idiot. You deserved your fate." She
turned back towards Kensuke. "My apologies," she said, bowing
slightly. "I thought I heard an old friend."

Kensuke nodded, following as she started walking again. "Well, that's
been known to happen," he commented. "Who knows, maybe you'll actually
see someone you knew."

Arael swallowed, at the thought of that. She'd felt another presence,
in addition to Bardiel's.

^Tabris...and Zero. No, they could _not_ be here. It would be
impossible.^

* * *

Consciousness returned slowly to Rei. At first, she was only aware
that she was awake. She could not even feel her body, a sensation
which left her momentarily disoriented. It was, in fact, not unlike
existing in the sea of LCL.

Then her senses began to return. She could soon feel the ground
underneath her; and from what she felt, she'd fallen onto her face.
She also became aware of a series of sharp noises, which she identified
as someone coughing violently. She could not help wondering whether or
not she was coughing, herself.

"What the _hell_ just happened?" a male voice shouted, sounding as
though it were coming from a significant distance away. Rei recognized
it as Suzuhara's.

Although crudely worded, the question was enough to spark Rei's memory.
Images danced in front of her eyes as she reviewed what _had_ just
happened.

One second, she'd been watching two Evas fight. The next, one of them
- the enemy Eva, she remembered - had exploded. The burst of light had
swallowed up everyone nearby...leaving, of course, the question of how
Touji was still alive, let alone speaking. And then the shockwave had
hit her...

Her eyes opened, as she remembered what had happened then. She felt
her chest rise as a surprised gasp filled her.

She was instantly rewarded with a view of the ground underneath her.
Rei blinked and tried to get up. Her arms dragged along the ground as
she forced them to move. But as soon as her head left the ground, her
vision blurred and her concentration shattered. She sagged, feeling
her forehead brush the dirt again.

This was nothing new, for Rei. There had been many times before Third
Impact when her injured body hadn't wanted to cooperate with her mind.
It was all a simple matter of closing your eyes...and willing your mind
to focus...

When she opened her eyes again, she was sitting up. The first thing
she did was look down at her arms. She nodded as she saw that her skin
was no longer glowing. Rei nodded, feeling a glimmer of relief at this
discovery.

But even if she was physically the same, she felt...different. That
icy cold feeling that had crawled into her was still there. It felt
like it was pulsing in her blood, in synch with her heartbeat.
However, as she paid attention to it, she could tell that with each
pulse, the feeling was a little weaker. Slowly, the coldness was
receding.

Rei swallowed. That disturbing sensation of fear was welling up in
her, as for one of the few times in her life, she didn't understand
what was happening to her. And even though the phenomenon had
subsided, things were not the same. She shivered, closing her eyes and
trying to block out the world, if only for a brief moment. But even
behind the dark veils of her eyelids, fear still lurked. Though she
couldn't see, she could still feel that something was different. The
worst part was that she didn't know _what_ was changed.

She shoved these matters to the back of her mind, both because of the
fear and because, in trying to comprehend them, she suddenly felt very,
very small. As though everything she'd learned during her life was
worthless in the face of this. As though everything humankind had
learned was worthless.

After she'd calmed herself down, she opened her eyes again, letting
herself look around. She turned her head, keeping her movements slow
enough that she wouldn't lose her mental control. All around, there
was a deathly calm, a feeling of uneasy peace. The calm after the
storm, so to speak. A fine dust had settled into the air, leaving a
metallic, dry taste in Rei's mouth as she breathed.

From her vantage point, she could see the crater where the Eva had met
its doom. The crater was surrounded by concentric circles of dust,
looking ridiculously like ripples in a pool of water, frozen in time.
And all around, people were picking themselves up. They all appeared
stupefied, both by what had just happened, and that they were still
alive after all of that.

It didn't make any sense; Rei knew that an S2 organ going critical had
a larger destructive capacity than several N2 mines. Perhaps Dr. Akagi
would have an explanation. Still confused, Rei looked around for
anyone she could recognize. At the moment, Kaoru was nowhere to be
seen, so there was little chance she could ride the Eva back.

At that thought, she found that she had some aversion to riding the Eva
back. As the thought of using it for transportation crossed her mind,
she was presented with a recent image. The image of Unit-00, having
just impaled the black MP Eva on its fist, using the Prog knife to
sever its enemy's head.

^Do I fear using the Eva?^ she wondered, thinking this over.
^No...that is not the problem. Yet I still do not wish to use it, not
now. Perhaps...am I disturbed, seeing it kill so easily?^

^Or is it that I know it is so similar to me? It follows orders
without question. And it fights without mercy or remorse. Perhaps...I
fear that the Eva and myself are _too_ much alike?^

As she thought this, her eyes focused on Touji Suzuhara. The boy was
patting his body, apparently making sure it was still all there. He
patted his left arm and leg a bit more than the rest of himself.
Finally, satisfied that he was still in one piece, he stood up.

The boy spat, trying to get the dust out of his mouth. He looked off
towards the crater, where now only Unit-00 stood. The mech was also
frozen, as though it was just as shocked by its survival as everyone
else was about their own.

Rei saw Touji suddenly freeze, then turn slowly in the direction he'd
been running from during the Eva's attack.

"Hikari!" he shouted, before he took off towards where he'd left the
girl.

Rei thought the matter over for a moment, looking away from the scene.
She only looked back as the memory finally surfaced.

She remembered seeing Touji and Hikari as the Eva had cornered them.
Though it had been at a distance, she had still been able to see the
boy run off in one direction, pushing the girl in another one. Rei
realized at this time that he'd been trying to confuse the Eva, giving
it two choices instead of one. Considering the form the Eva had taken,
it was no surprise that it had had gone after Touji. Now that she had
time to think it through, she wondered now if Touji had known it would
go after him. Had he actually _wanted_ the Eva to chase after him?

^Sacrificing oneself...so that another may live,^ Rei thought. ^This
seems...familiar, somehow.^ She closed her eyes, trying to force her
mind to remember. But nothing came; merely some unclear thoughts of
pain, and sadness. Though for some reason, her mind wanted to relate
it to the destruction of Unit-00. She knew the Eva had exploded while
she was in it, but the details just weren't there.

^Perhaps in the life of my second or first iteration,^ she thought.
She made a mental note to try and find out what had happened. Though
no one could really tell her what she'd been feeling at the time, any
details were better than none.

She tested her legs, finding that enough of their strength had returned
that they were again useable. She shifted her weight and went to one
knee, before shakily rising to her feet.

She looked back to the scene of the battle, seeing that Touji had found
Hikari, and was now helping her sit up. Rei could see the relief on
his face, finding that the girl was still alive. Hikari, for her part,
was holding her abdomen with both hands as she let Touji pull her up.

The pair started talking. At this distance, and at that volume, Rei
could only hear indistinct mumbling. But she could guess that they
were comparing notes on what had just happened. Touji was shaking his
head now, shrugging. He obviously didn't have an explanation.

Rei watched as Hikari moved against Touji, holding him close. The
boy's arms found their way around the girl's waist, as he returned the
hug. Rei tilted her head, intrigued by the show of affection.

^It is natural to seek support during a time of crisis,^ she reasoned.
^And most people are unsettled by the prospect of death.^

As she kept watching, her eyes took on a nearly indiscernible quality
of sadness. Her gaze slowly traveled down, to look at her left arm
again. She stared at it, remembering how her skin had glowed with some
kind of white light. It had only been for a moment, but...

She hugged herself as best as she could with only one good arm, as her
eyes traveled back to Touji and Hikari, who were now approaching her.

^Dolls do not need support,^ she thought, simply. ^Is that what they
think?^ she asked herself, looking around at the survivors. Many of
them were desperately seeking out their loved ones. She, on the other
hand, remained alone on the hilltop.

As she turned to go, Touji and Hikari's voices became clearer.
Apparently they were getting closer. And as Rei walked back towards
the camp, they continued to close in on her.

"So where are you hurt?" Hikari was asking.

"Ah, I'm fine," Touji replied, in his best 'tough guy' voice. "No
Eva's gonna scare me."

Rei's eyes flickered to the side, even though they were still behind
her. If Touji's reaction when the Eva had captured him was any
indication, the boy _had_ been scared. But Rei said nothing; this
conversation was none of her business.

"Suzuhara..." Hikari began, her voice going stern. "You can at least
do me the common courtesy of telling the truth."

A pause followed this. Finally, Touji spoke up. "Really, I'm fine,"
he said, though his voice was already meeker than it had been.

"I can _see_ that," Hikari said. "But that thing almost had you,
didn't it?"

"Uh...h-hey, look, there's Ayanami," he said in response. Rei's eyes
widened slightly in surprise, but she still didn't look at the pair.

"Suzuhara," Hikari said, sharply. Their footsteps stopped abruptly as
she said this. "We can go see her in a minute. But answer my
question."

Rei's own footsteps slowed and stopped as she heard this. Hesitantly,
she turned her head, her body following along as she looked back at
Touji and Hikari.

Hikari was currently standing with her back to Rei, and her fists
planted firmly onto her hips. Her face was tilted upwards, in blatant
defiance of the height difference between her and Touji. Touji was
facing Hikari, though he looked as though he'd have rather been
anywhere else. His eyes met Rei's for a microsecond, only to look
away, even more nervous than he'd been before.

^Why should this interaction matter to me?^ Rei wondered. ^Their
relationship is not a concern of mine. Yet I am interested,
nonetheless.^

"Uh...OK, fine!" Touji finally said, raising his voice. "It had me. I
was ready to shit myself. Happy?"

Hikari looked at him, leaning her face closer to his, as though trying
to look right into his mind and make sure he was telling the truth.
Finally, she nodded. As the girl turned around, Rei noticed the smile
on her face.

"That's better," Hikari said, beginning to walk again. "Come on, let's
go see how Ayanami's doing."

Touji followed after her as best he could. He looked as though he
couldn't decide whether to walk at his own pace or dash after Hikari.

"Hey, Ayanami!" Hikari called out, as she caught up to Rei.

"Horaki-san," she said, nodding at the other girl. She stood her
ground, interested in what Hikari had to say.

"Hey, Ayanami..." Hikari began. "We just wanted to check up on you.
Were you hurt?" Her eyes betrayed the same fear and uncertainty
everyone else showed when dealing with Rei. However, there were also
traces of worry for Rei's well-being.

Rei glanced at the girl, her cold gaze boring into her. But after a
moment, the look in her eyes softened, marginally. ^She is concerned
about me?^

"I am not injured further," Rei replied.

In fact, the truth was even better. She felt as though she'd
completely recovered from her previous injuries. The pain from her arm
was just a dull memory. And even that was fading, along with the cold
feeling in her. Both were nearly gone, now.

"Well...that's good to hear," Hikari replied, uncertain of what else to
say.

Rei nodded once, also at a loss for words. Touji, for his part,
watched with some aversion. Not only was this 'girl talk', in his
book, but one of the girls was _Ayanami_. That made it a little hard
for him to add much to the conversation.

Finally, the coldness inside of Rei vanished, with a sudden snap. Rei
shuddered, though the motion was barely perceptible. Her breathing
deepened slightly as she composed herself.

It was then that she became aware of it: an odd sensation, like an
invisible hand were pushing her to look in one direction. Turning to
look, she could see two tiny figures in the distance. Even though she
couldn't see their faces, she found that she just _knew_, somehow, that
one of them was Kensuke Aida. The other one...

Her eyes widened as she felt it. A feeling of...wrongness, of
something that didn't belong here. It left a sick feeling in her, as
though a snake were crawling around inside of her stomach.

She could feel that Hikari was still standing next to her. The other
girl was now shifting her balance from one foot to the next, still
visibly at a loss for what to say.

"Excuse me," Rei said, nodding at Hikari. "But there is an urgent
matter I need to look into."

Hikari blinked, jumping a fraction of a centimeter as Rei's voice broke
the silence that had fallen around them. "Oh...OK, Ayanami. Would you
like us to come along?"

"That will not be necessary," Rei said, turning and heading for another
location in the refugee camp. She stopped after a few steps, turning
around to look at the other two.

"I..." Rei said, hesitantly. "I will...try to speak with you later,
Horaki," she finished. The still-alien feeling of nervousness welled
up in her as she said this. ^It is difficult, speaking with others.
Especially when I know they try to avoid me.^

Hikari, for her part, smiled. "OK, Ayanami. See you later." She then
started walking back into the camp, drawing Touji alongside her. The
boy was immediately brimming over with questions about when his
girlfriend and Ayanami had gotten so close. Hikari did her best to
answer, mostly saying that Ayanami might just want a friend.

* * *

"Well..." Shinji began, slowly.

He was standing on a small hill, overlooking the battlefield, where
Unit-00 was crouching, waiting for its next command. Most of the
people had already cleared out, going back to their homes in hopes of
finding some kind of comfort.

"Well...?" Kaoru asked, standing next to him.

"I'm glad you weren't hurt as badly as you were last time."

Kaoru nodded. "Yes. And Rei, as well."

Shinji nodded, smiling a little. "Yeah, I'm really happy she could
walk back under her own power. But..."

Kaoru could tell what his friend wanted to say. He turned his head,
looking over the battlefield. Everyone who _could_ leave, already
_had_. Unfortunately, there were a few people who could not just get
up and walk away. Those people had learned the hard way that being in
close proximity to an Eva battle is not very conducive to a long life.
A few red splatters on the ground, already turning over to a sickly
shade of brown, betrayed where an Eva had misstepped, or where one had
gone skidding right through someone who hadn't gotten out of the way in
time.

A mix of emotions were going through Shinji. At first, he felt
sickened that he was looking at what had once been a few human beings.
Then he felt some secret relief that it was no one he'd gotten to know
very well. Then guilt had rushed in on him; everyone here was his
responsibility! He couldn't just mark them off as simple statistics in
his mind! These had been _people_, who'd given up their chance at
paradise, only to have their second chance squished like a mere _bug_
under the feet of armored giants.

At least Kaoru was taking it well. The boy was surprisingly stoic,
even though several of those deaths were the result of his own combat
maneuvers.

"It's no use regretting what you can't change, Shinji-kun," Kaoru said,
patting Shinji on the arm. "It just lowers your spirit. And we have
enough trouble with that, already," he said, smiling a little.

Shinji shook his head. "But...I just _can't_ pass off their deaths - "

"I'm not saying you should," Kaoru said. "But I can see you're
starting to obsess over it. You're wondering if you could have avoided
it, right?"

"Well...I guess so..."

"Shinji-kun, it's not your fault. You can't do this to yourself. The
people still alive depend on you. They are all scared, as well. If
you are as frightened as they are, you can't help them."

Shinji sighed. "It's just hard, looking at this..."

Kaoru did something he rarely did: frown. "Shinji, there's little you
can do from here. You've been through a lot already. Let's go back,
for now." He put his arm around Shinji's shoulders and started turning
the boy around.

Shinji let himself be turned. He started walking alongside Kaoru, as
they headed back.

"So, think about something else. What are you going to do when you get
back?"

"...I don't know."

"I'll try this a different way. What _should_ you be doing?"

"I suppose I should try finding people who can clean up and identify
the bodies."

"They won't have much luck," Kaoru said, quietly. "What else?"

"Kaoru-kun, I _don't_know_, okay?" Shinji snapped. After a moment, he
calmed down. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"No, it's fine," Kaoru said, patting Shinji on the shoulder. "I have a
suggestion."

"All right. What is it?"

"Why don't you go talk with Rei?"

Shinji's brow furrowed as he looked at his friend. "What?" he asked.

"She was also involved in this battle. It would be a good idea for you
to talk with her about it. You talked to _me_."

"Yes, but...you're two different people," Shinji said. "I don't
know..."

As he said this, his memory trailed back to the incident several days
ago, when he'd visited Rei in the makeshift hospital room. What she'd
done...

It was just a little strange, thinking about it. On one hand, it made
him fear Rei even more, since now she was acting...strangely. Even for
her. On the other hand, it made him feel a little more comfortable
around her: she _had_ asked him to stop being afraid of her. That
meant she cared about what people thought about her. Or at the very
least cared what _he_ thought about her.

Something else registered in his mind, as he went over the battle.

"You know, I meant to ask you this, but...Ayanami activated the Dummy
plug, didn't she?"

Kaoru's eyes looked upwards, as he went over the battle. After a
moment, he nodded. "Yes, I'm quite certain of that. I believe she
even activated it before I was ready; it rendered me unconscious. The
very fact that Unit-00 still won after I had passed out shows that she
activated the autopilot system."

"In that case, I definitely need to talk with her."

Kaoru nodded, smiling a little. He looked at Shinji, though,
suspicious as to what he needed to talk to Rei about.

"Well...in any case, I suppose I should power up Unit-00 and move it
out of the way," Kaoru said.

"Yeah...I guess so," Shinji said. "OK, thank you for your help, Kaoru-
kun."

"Anytime you want to talk, Shinji-kun, I'll be here. I..." he trailed
off, as he felt an odd sensation; the same one Rei had felt just a few
moments earlier. He looked off towards the camp, squinting as though
trying to see something.

"Something wrong, Kaoru-kun?" Shinji asked, worried.

"No, everything is fine," Kaoru replied, returning to himself. "I'll
see you back at camp."

"Right."

Kaoru turned around and headed back towards the Eva, to get within the
range he could control it. Shinji, for his part, kept walking, heading
back to the camp.

As he walked, he noticed two humanoid forms slowly making their way
back, as well. Judging from their position, they'd probably come from
the sea of LCL. As he got closer to them, Shinji recognized one of
them as Kensuke. The other...

^Never seen _her_ before,^ Shinji thought. ^And I thought I was at
least familiar with everyone's face. Wait a second...if they're coming
from the sea of LCL...^

He stopped, taking a moment to think it over. Finally, he concluded it
was at least worth looking into, if only to avoid having to tell
everyone back at camp that a few people had died in the last battle.

* * *

Arael was still walking. The rocky ground hurt her bare feet, making
her wince whenever she stepped on a stone. Kensuke was walking
alongside her, looking very apologetic. Not just that she had to go
through all this, but that he didn't know how to make it any easier.

As she walked, Arael pulled her hand out of the jacket Kensuke had
loaned her. She grabbed a handful of her own shoulder-length hair and
pulled it around so she could see it. Her eyes narrowed as she saw its
coloration. She was fairly sure that totally white hair was rare in
lilum, at least at her apparent age. Her skin, which she noticed was
slightly darker than Kensuke's, contrasted greatly with her hair.

^As I understand it, the Lilum return in forms representing the way
they see themselves,^ she thought. ^Is this how I see myself? Taking
a lilum's body was a new experience, so perhaps there were some
anamolies. This is a very strange color for my hair. Yet...I should
be happy that I am even alive, I suppose. It is preferable to spending
further time with Armisael...^

She shuddered at the thought. Armisael. The name would mean
'betrayal' for her, now and forever afterwards. She would never
forgive that..._thing_ for what it had done.

"Oh! Are you cold?" Kensuke asked. "Sorry...I just wasn't carrying
anything else for you to wear."

Arael shook her head. "No, I am well," she said, exercising her vocal
cords again. It had been nearly impossible to speak, a few moments
ago. Actually, she hadn't even been sure of how to _breathe_ at first.
But then, in desperation, she'd delved into the memories she'd stolen
from that lilum girl. She'd sifted through them, learning how the
action of breathing worked, and what speaking felt like. Knowledge of
Japanese had followed soon after. Now, she could talk - more or less -
as though she'd been doing it for years.

^I just wish I did not feel so guilty for learning that way,^ she
thought. ^I was only able to survive those first few minutes by using
the memories that were my weapon, not long ago. Memories that were not
even mine.^

That could put a damper on other Angels ever returning in human form.
Few others had ever touched a lilum's mind, and she didn't trust those
who had. Any other Angels that tried to return as lilum would likely
suffocate on deoxygenated LCL before they had any idea of what was
going on.

She looked at the ground, a few meters in front of her feet. Kensuke,
seeing that she was unresponsive, said nothing more. For a moment,
there was only the relative silence of them walking. Then another
person could be heard approaching.

He turned his head to look at who it was. He waved as he saw that it
was Shinji coming up to them.

"Hey there, Shinji!" he called out. This snapped Arael out of her
thoughts. Her head popped up, and she turned to face the new arrival.

"This guy's name is Shinji Ikari," Kensuke whispered to her, as the
other boy closed the distance. "You'll want to be nice to him."

Arael's eyes turned in their sockets, glancing at Kensuke. She nodded,
wordlessly. Then her brow furrowed in thought. Ikari...she was sure
she'd heard that name somewhere before, a lifetime ago...

"Hi, Kensuke. You all right?" Shinji asked, coming up to them.

"Better," Kensuke said, shoving out his chest as best he could. "You
wouldn't believe what just happened."

Shinji turned his gaze to Arael. The girl drew back slightly,
unconsciously. She had some feeling of apprehension, looking at this
boy. As though, at another time, he'd been a threat. But she knew
she'd never seen him before.

To top it all off, Shinji was looking at her strangely, as well. A
flicker of recognition, so dim that it could have just been an
illusion, went through his eyes. He studied her face, trying to call
up the memory he could feel tickling in his mind. There was something
about this girl...

"She's just now coming out of the LCL," Kensuke began, oblivious to the
suspicious glances his companions were giving each other. He gestured
to her. "She says her name is Ariel."

^Actually,^ Arael thought, ^that mispronuciation could work out in my
favor. There _may_ be some lilum who are familiar with the name Arael.
And 'Ariel' is more of a lilum's name, in any case...^

Shinji nodded slowly, still lost in thought. "How are you doing,
uh...Ariel-san?" he asked hesitantly, realizing he hadn't heard her
last name. "Are you feeling all right?" He tried to sound genial, but
suspicion lingered in his voice.

"I am fine," she replied, nodding. "But I am cold. And...hungry."

Shinji nodded, smiling a little. "Come on. I'll show you where you
can get something to eat."

Arael began to follow. She stopped short, however, as she spied
something coming up over a hill.

It was a large, humanoid form. It had been hidden by the hill, stuck
in a crouching position. But now it was standing up, rising to its
full height. Blue armor glinted in the sun. Slowly, it lifted a leg
and started to walk. The tremors from its footsteps could be felt,
even out at this distance.

Arael's eyes widened, as her breath quickened. She didn't have to go
into the lilum girl's memories to recognize that monster. A
halfhearted copy of Adam, with its will twisted and subdued to follow
the commands of the lilum. Even at this distance, Arael could feel
something familiar, yet at the same time _wrong_, with Evangelion Unit-
00. Where had it come from? What was it doing? Why were the lilum
not worried by its appearance? Hundreds of other questions flooded her
mind.

Kensuke, who'd been walking away, turned to see the girl was still
frozen in place behind him. He went back up to her, turning to see
what held her attention. As he looked, Unit-00 turned its head,
looking directly at them. It leaned forwards slightly, as though
getting a better view of the new arrival.

"Oh, _that_," Kensuke said. He smiled. "Don't worry, it's not
harmful. It's on our side." He failed to notice the trickle of urine
running down the girl's leg.

Arael didn't even hear him. All she could see was that blue monster
looking directly at her. All it needed was a long spear, and it would
look exactly as she remembered it. Her eyes rolled up in her head.

"Well, come on," Kensuke said, starting to walk again. "I'll explain
later - "

_Thud_.

He turned around, to see the girl was laid out on the ground, flat on
her back. Her eyes were closed, and her body was limp.

"Hey," he said, shocked. "Hey!" he repeated, more loudly. He got down
to one knee, next to her. "Ariel, what's wrong?"

He relaxed as he saw that her chest was still rising and falling. So
she'd just passed out. That made it _slightly_ better. Now he just
had to wake her up...

"Hey, Shinji!" he called out to the other boy. "Gimme a hand, here!"

"What happened?" Shinji asked, catching up and going to one knee, on
the other side of the girl.

"Guess she doesn't like Evas," Kensuke reasoned. "She saw that," he
said, pointing to Unit-00, "and passed out cold."

"Weird," Shinji said, glancing down at her again. He stared at her, as
though willing his eyes to recognize her. Finally, he shook his head,
frustrated. "Well, come on. Let's get her somewhere where she can lie
down."

* * *

Some time later, Ariel - now becoming more familiar with her new name -
was escorted into the shelter that had become their makeshift
infirmiary. Leaning on Kensuke's shoulder for support, she stumbled
into the small room through the open doorway. Kensuke helped her to
sit on the small, raised cot.

"Are you feeling all right, now?" the boy asked.

Ariel nodded, holding up a hand to say that she just needed a minute to
recuperate.

^The copy of Father...^ she was thinking. ^How is it here? And
_alive_? Did it see me? Did it see what I was? The only Father-copy
that would know me any better would be that red one...^

Kensuke's mouth turned down as he saw her sink into thought. Yet he
was also noticeably unsure of what to do.

To give her some time, he stepped out of the shelter and paced around
outside the doorway. After a moment, Shinji came back, with a set of
clothes for the girl. Kensuke dropped them off inside, muttering
apologies about the delay, before going back outside.

As he paced outside the doorway, a few people came up to ask who had
just arrived. To all of them, he said the same thing: he hadn't seen
her before, and she didn't want to be disturbed, right now.

Not many people came with questions, though. Most of them were too
concerned with the battle that had just been finished. They were
worried about their loved ones, especially now that word was going
around that there had been a few deaths. Kensuke would have been
worried about Touji and Hikari, had he not seen them as he came into
town. He felt guilty for not being worried about the other people, but
it still made him feel better to know that the ones he knew best were
still alive.

After several minutes, the crunch of footsteps approached and stopped,
next to him. Kensuke sighed, knowing he had to go through another
repetition of the same old story he gave anyone who asked about the new
girl.

He turned to start, but immediately broke off. Looking at him was the
pale, smiling face of Kaoru Nagisa.

Kensuke's mind blanked; he didn't know what to say to this boy. He had
the same mysterious, nervousness-inducing air as Ayanami did, but at
the same time was much more friendly. Kensuke had talked with him a
few times before, but still was uncertain about the other boy.

"I hear someone new's come in," Kaoru said, breaking the silence. "Is
this true?"

"Uh...yeah," Kensuke said, sheepishly. "She says her name is Ariel."

"Ariel...what?" Kaoru asked, turning to lean up against the side of the
shelter, next to Kensuke.

Kensuke paused at the movement on the part of the other boy, then shook
it off. "Actually, she didn't say what her family name was," he
explained. "And I didn't really wanna ask her; she doesn't seem like
she's in great health, right now."

"Hm," Kaoru replied, leaning against the wall and looking away from
Kensuke. They sat like that for several minutes, Kensuke not knowing
what to say, and Kaoru giving no indication he even intended on
talking.

"I don't suppose I could go and see her?" Kaoru asked, finally, turning
his head again to look at Kensuke.

The other boy glanced into Nagisa's red eyes, not really knowing what
to say. "Well...she said she just needs some time alone."

Kaoru quirked an eyebrow. "That's interesting. I'd think she would
want to be assured she isn't alone. Is that not what people fear when
they come out of the LCL?"

"Well...yeah..." Kensuke stammered, trying to find a flaw in that
logic. Seeing the innocent look on Kaoru's face, he found it very hard
to say no.

"OK, fine," Kensuke said. "I'll introduce you. But don't blame me if
she throws us both out."

"So violent already?" Kaoru asked, smiling again. "She could be
related to Soryu."

"Oh, damn," Kensuke said, in mock horror. "I sure hope not. But,
eh...she 'outdoes' Soryu in one respect," he said, nudging Kaoru in the
ribs. He smiled lecherously as he said this.

Kaoru only nodded. "Perhaps an actress, then. Well, now I _must_ see
her."

"OK, c'mon," he said, gesturing for Kaoru to follow him as he stepped
into the shelter.

"Uh...Ariel, are you awake?" Kensuke asked. The sun, coming in through
a seam in the 'roof', highlighted her lithe form, lying flat on the
bed. She'd put on the clothes he'd left for her; now she was dressed
in blue jeans and a white shirt, both of which were a few sizes too
large for her. Her impressive figure still showed, however, even
through the loose clothes.

"Yes," came the immediate reply, in that same calm, yet melodious
voice.

"OK, well...I have someone who wants to see you."

"Oh. Aida-san, can I just have a few more moments to think things
over?"

"Well..." he said, pausing. Women still scared him, even after living
with Hikari for a while. He didn't know what to say.

"I just wanted to meet the new arrival," Kaoru said, stepping in, going
by Kensuke.

At the sound of his voice, Ariel sat up quickly. She blinked, looking
at Kaoru, who was standing in the relative shadow of one of the
corners. Her eyes widened as recognition flickered through them.

"Tabris..." she whispered, in total shock.

Kaoru's grin widened, though his eyes went hard as he looked at her.
His chin came down, then back up, in the slightest of nods.

"Tabris?" Kensuke asked, confused. "Who's that? This guy's name is
Nagisa."

Ariel drew her legs back, against her chest. She swallowed loudly.
"Stay away, Tabris..." she muttered, her breathing accelerating. "I
don't...I'm not..."

"The boy is right," Kaoru said, still smiling. "I don't know any
Tabris. I hear your name is Ariel. Allow me to introduce myself.
Kaoru Nagisa, here to meet you," he said, bowing ceremoniously.

Ariel seemed to calm, slightly. "R-right," she said, stuttering a
little.

"Well...c'mon, Nagisa. Let's go back outside," Kensuke said, grabbing
Kaoru's arm. "Can you show me the Eva again?"

He started walking away, but stopped short, as Kaoru didn't budge. He
kept his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. He turned his
head slightly to look at Kensuke.

"I think I have a few things to talk over with the new arrival," Kaoru
said, calmly. "I will show you the Eva later, Aida-kun."

"Uh...but Nagisa, she wants you to leave her alone..."

"It's fine, trust me," Kaoru said, putting on his most winning smile.
"Just give me a minute."

"Well..."

Kaoru turned, breaking out of Kensuke's grip. The boy, no longer
hanging onto Nagisa, started walking out. Just before he left, Kaoru
called out to him.

"Oh, and if Rei comes by, could you let her in in here as well, Aida-
kun? I believe she will also want to see this new arrival."

Kensuke nodded at Kaoru, confused, but then walked off, at a loss for
other things to do. He saw - but did not understand - the growing look
of desperation on Ariel's face. There was no reason to be scared of
Kaoru, was there?

As soon as Kensuke was out of sight, Kaoru whirled around, facing
Ariel. His grin had vanished entirely.

"Talk," he said, a simple command.

Ariel swallowed again, her jaw clenching. She said nothing.

"Please, let's not do this, Arael," Kaoru said, pronouncing the girl's
name correctly. "I'll start more simply. Why are you here? No, I
should rephrase that. _How_ are you here?"

Ariel again remained silent. She watched, still wide-eyed, as Kaoru
pulled up a chair and sat down in it. The boy crossed his legs and
waited patiently.

"I don't want to kill the Lilum!" Ariel blurted out, finally cracking
under his stare. "No, I'm not like the others!"

Kaoru nodded. "Fine, if you say so. But how are you here, Arael?"

The girl shook her head. "Zero couldn't keep us locked up forever,"
she muttered. "I suppose the bonds broke when you and Zero finally
left the sea of LCL. It took you long enough..." That last sentence
was not meant for Kaoru's ears. He heard her anyway, but said nothing.

"So...the others...?"

"What do you think?" Arael asked, defensively. "That only _I_ was
freed?"

Kaoru shook his head. "No, I have been developing some theories. I
will need to speak with Ritsuko-san about them, though."

"Ritsuko-san?"

"Forget her. Now, how is it _you_ are here, Arael? And as a lilum, no
less."

Ariel shook her head again. "It is just how things came to pass. You
should know, Tabris. After the unification, a soul could only return
in a human form."

"Which is why the other Angels are attacking, then?" Kaoru asked,
cynical. "Why they are using the AT field to hurt Lilum, again?"

Arael blinked. "So you know..." she muttered. "Look, I didn't have
anything to do with that! I - "

"Your eyes tell a different story, Arael. You know something, do you
not?"

"I...I...Tabris, don't hurt me..."

"I do not plan on doing so," Kaoru said, his voice marginally more
friendly. "But I still want you to answer the question."

Ariel again went silent. She turned her head, becoming very interested
in the wall. Kaoru again went back to waiting. He had time to spare,
he knew. He could wait her out.

Fate stepped in, however, and kept him from waiting for very long.
After just a few more minutes, Rei Ayanami walked in. She glanced at
Kaoru, who nodded before gesturing at the girl on the bed.

Rei looked at Ariel at the same time Ariel turned her head to see who
had come in. Red eyes met pink. For a long moment, nothing happened.
After a time, Ariel got to her feet, never once breaking eye contact
with Rei. Her face began to twitch, as she obviously began holding
back some feeling inside. It wasn't long before that emotion broke
free.

"YOU!" she shouted, lunging at Rei.

Rei smoothly moved to the side, as though she'd been expecting that all
along. Ariel missed, her hands grabbing at the air where the blue-
haired girl had been a moment ago. She turned, her eyes blazing as she
stalked up to Rei.

She was stopped, however, as two arms came in under her armpits and
looped around over her shoulders. Suddenly restrained from moving
forwards, she strained against the hold, reaching forwards with
clutching hands, trying to claw at Rei.

"I'LL KILL YOU, ZERO! YOU HEAR ME? I'LL _KILL_ YOU! TABRIS, LET ME
_GO_!"

Kaoru, standing behind her, would not let her go. The grip he had on
her prevented her from turning, so all Ariel could do was weakly beat
on him by reaching backwards with her arms. It wasn't long, though,
before her strength gave out and she slumped in his grip, going to her
knees.

Breathing hard, Ariel still tried to crawl forwards, towards Rei.
Absolute hatred burned in her eyes. Kaoru, however, was still more
than strong enough to keep her from making any headway.

"Why are you here?" Rei asked, her face still expressionless as she
looked down at Ariel.

Ariel spat at Rei in response, only succeeding in hitting the other
girl's shin. Rei gave no indication that she'd even noticed.

"You have much to learn, Arael-san," Kaoru said, pulling the girl back
to her feet and dragging her towards the bed. Ariel struggled for the
first meter or so, but then her arms fell limp by her sides, no longer
having the strength to fight. She could only glare at Rei, her mind
being the only thing that wasn't exhausted, right now.

Kaoru lay her down on the bed as gently as he could, while Ariel caught
her breath. Rage continued to boil in her eyes, but this time, it
didn't come out in her words.

"I am here because I could no longer stay," she said, evenly. "The
others betrayed me."

Kaoru glanced over at Rei. "I was under the impression you had
imprisoned the other Angels," he said.

"I did," Rei replied.

"She _did_," Ariel said, simultaneously. Both Kaoru and Rei looked at
her. Kaoru's face was inquisitive, while Rei's was unreadable.

"She sealed us in the...the name evades me. 'Room of Gauf,' I
believe." She glared at Rei. "But you could not just lock us away
forever, Zero."

"I thought that place was empty," Kaoru asked Rei. "It should have
made the perfect prison."

"It _was_ empty, before Instrumentality," Rei said. "Third Impact
freed the human souls and allowed it to be filled again."

"Filled?" Ariel asked. "_Filled_? Zero, I was surrounded by _hordes_
of Lilum. I had to listen to them for an eternity, just to assure
myself I was still alive!"

"Her name is Rei," Kaoru corrected. "And you would do well to remember
it, Arael. Though I suppose I should start calling you Ariel, now."

Ariel snorted, turning her head away. "Why should I bother, Tabris?"

"Because you are a terrible liar. You are trying to make us believe
you hated being left among the Lilum, but you came to enjoy it, didn't
you?"

Ariel blinked, thinking about it. After a moment, her shoulders
slumped, though she said nothing.

"It is the reason you chose to come back in this form, instead of
finding some other avenue, correct?" Kaoru asked, stepping towards the
bed.

Arael flinched, then nodded, grudgingly. "I am not going to reanimate
a half-perfect copy of Father, just for some pitiful revenge."

This got Rei's attention. "You mean the Evas?" she asked.

Ariel snorted. "Why should it matter? You, the all-powerful _Zero_,
capable of annihilating the very _souls_ of Father and Mother? You can
handle it, can't you?"

Silence fell after that. Rei closed up again, seeing further
conversation with the girl would be pointless.

^The Evas...how could I have been so careless?^ Rei thought. ^I simply
assumed that the Evas had been rendered useless by Third Impact. But
if Kaoru and myself were capable of rebuilding one of them, then it
only makes sense that other beings could, as well.^

She thought it over, shaking her head. Even if she'd done it all over
again, she couldn't see herself as deciding to _more_ thoroughly
destroy the MP Evas. Their very _cores_ had been punctured during
Third Impact. They had been reduced to dead matter, an amalgamation of
Adam and Lilith DNA. They should have been beyond worthless.

But they weren't. They were _far_ from worthless, especially now.

Kaoru rubbed at his eyes, tiredly. "We have all had long days," he
said. "But before we leave, we should clarify your situation."

He took a breath. "I don't trust you," he said, flatly. He glanced at
Rei, who nodded in agreement. "And I doubt either of us will trust you
for a long time, if ever. But you sounded genuine when you said you
did not want to harm the Lilum. So, I for one am willing to let you
stay."

Rei nodded again, but said nothing. She knew very well when _not_ to
speak. Dealing with someone like Ariel, in her current mental state,
was definitely one of those times.

"Rei and I will be present in this camp at all times, however. If we
suspect you..." he trailed off, letting the rest go unsaid. Ariel
flinched, understanding immediately what would happen to her if she
came under suspicion.

"Now, just a few more things," Kaoru said. "We need to straighten you
out about a few names, starting with your own..."

* * *

Some short time later, Rei stepped out of the makeshift infirmary. She
made a few cursory efforts to brush herself off as she walked away.
Some people gave her questioning glances as they walked by, but she
ignored them. The glances never lasted for long; most people didn't
really want her to look back at them. But this time, the people's
faces did not betray utter fear. Mixed in with the fear, this time,
was admiration. They all recognized the girl who'd turned them to LCL,
but they also recognized Rei as the one who'd defended them - twice -
against the flying demon-mechs.

She hadn't gotten very far from the infirmary before she took note of
Shinji and Kensuke, waiting a little ways off. They seemed to be
engaged in conversation.

^I suppose it is best that they did not hear the Fifteenth shouting,^
Rei thought. ^Otherwise, they most likely would have made an incorrect
conclusion about what we were doing.^

Her gaze lingered on Shinji as she walked; for several moments, she
wasn't even aware that she was staring. She didn't realize it,
actually, until Shinji turned his head, noticing her. When that
happened, she quickly looked away, slightly embarassed.

^Why?^ she thought, confused. She'd never had a problem being stared
_at_, and had never cared what people thought if she stared at _them_.
Usually, it just meant she was being attentive, even if social
standards usually prohibited it.

^So why do I fear him seeing me look at him, now?^ she wondered. There
were several possibilities. First and foremost was that other people
were watching. She knew she could not afford to make enemies in her
current environment, and she also knew from her experience with human
culture that pursuing someone already in a relationship was looked down
upon.

^Perhaps I fear that he will tell Soryu, and she will...do something
rash, in reaction.^ She thought it over, deciding that that wasn't the
case, either.

But the most confusing part by far is that it felt as though something
were trying to block her emotions. The feeling was something akin to
throwing stones into a stream; it still flowed, but not as much water
could flow anymore.

^What could that mean?^ she thought, as Shinji and Kensuke approached
her. ^Am I simply tired, or is something truly blocking out my
feelings?^ She stopped, seeing that the boys wanted to speak with her.

But she didn't have any more time to think about it, since the two boys
had closed the distance to her.

"Hi, Ayanami," Shinji said, waving. Kensuke just smiled and nodded at
the girl. Rei briefly made eye contact with Kensuke, then turned
towards Shinji. Her eyes, intense as always, were wordlessly asking
what he wanted.

"Well...uh, how's she doing?" Shinji asked.

"She is healthy, but exhausted from returning," Rei explained, her
voice sounding as though she were reading something from a book. "She
is sleeping now."

Shinji nodded, then looked up, peering over Rei's head. "Hey, Kaoru-
kun!" he called out, waving.

Rei didn't need to turn around to know Kaoru would be walking out of
the infirmiary about now. He'd waited in the shelter to make sure
Ariel really stayed asleep. Now, he was probably headed back to the
shelter he and Rei shared. The boy waved at Shinji in friendly
acknowledgement, then walked off, looking tired.

"So, uh..." Kensuke began, making eye contact with Rei. The girl
returned his gaze with a blank look. "So...uh, did she say what her
last name was? I felt kinda awkward using her first name with her like
that."

"Ni", Rei said, bluntly.

"Eh?"

"Ni," Rei repeated. "That is her last name."

Kensuke blinked, wondering why the girl's last name would mean "two".
After a moment, though, he figured it wasn't worth the trouble. He
just nodded at Rei, acknowledging her help.

"So...what's up with that last battle?" Kensuke asked. "We won, I
guess."

Rei just maintained eye contact, not bothering to expend the energy to
nod.

"Actually, Ayanami," Shinji began, looking at the ground, "I was hoping
you could help clear something up."

Rei looked at him, sizing him up in her mind. "I will try, Ikari-
kun," she said, after a moment.

"Right. Well...why did the Eva chase after Touji? I saw it single him
out, and then try to..._eat_ him. Was he just in the wrong place at
the wrong time?"

Rei shook her head. "I doubt that was the case. If you saw the Eva,
then I trust you took note of its resemblance to the Thirteenth
Angel." She refrained from saying Unit-03. The Angel had been the
enemy, not the Eva. A memory was also tickling in the back of her
mind. She seemed to remember that Shinji was sensitive about that
Angel, for some reason.

Shinji nodded slowly. "You don't mean...?" he asked, trailing off mid-
question.

"I am not sure," Rei replied. "I need to consult with Dr. Akagi. But
the Eva may have been seeking out a pilot to join with."

"So it goes after Touji..." Shinji muttered, shaking his head. "And if
that really was Unit-03, or something, then it makes sense...I guess."

Kensuke took a few steps back. "Well...OK," he said, hesitantly. He
didn't really want to get involved with what Eva was chasing after
whom. Evas were amazing things to look at, but when they started
trying to eat your friends, it got a little too personal.

"Shinji, I'm gonna go check on Touji and Hikari," Kensuke announced.
"Where are you headed?"

Shinji took a moment to think about it before replying. "Probably over
to that plane crash," he responded. "No...wait, I think I'll go see
Akagi-san with Ayanami. I have to find out why it targeted Touji like
that."

"OK. See ya," Kensuke said, waving as turned away.

Shinji nodded in response, then turned towards Rei before Kensuke even
started walking.

"Ayanami," he said, his voice having suddenly gone stern.

Rei blinked, that being the only indication of the surprise she felt at
the sudden change in his attitude. "Yes, Ikari-kun?"

"Come on," he said, gesturing with a tilt of his head for her to follow
him. "There's something else I need to talk to you about."

Rei immediately began walking, coming alongside Shinji. Her eyes
flickered over to the side, studying his face. He looked
almost...angry. His jaw was clenched, and his brow had furrowed
slightly. Rei felt a sensation of nervousness starting to spread
through her, again.

But as opposed to the last time she'd felt this emotion towards Shinji,
the nervousness seemed...dulled. As though something had taken the
edge off of what was otherwise a sharp feeling. Rei was confused by
this observation; she resolved to look into it further, when she had
the chance.

"Ayanami, what were you _thinking_?" Shinji asked, spreading his hands
in consternation.

Rei looked away. She'd known this conversation would be coming.
Shinji had seemed quite adamant about how he felt the Dummy plug should
be handled, the last time he'd spoken with her.

"You activated the Dummy, when I _expressly_ asked you not to," he
said, keeping his voice at a conversational volume, but still letting
anger show. "Why? Why would you put us all at risk, Ayanami?"

"For the same reason as before, Ikari-kun. It was the most effective
way to achieve victory."

Shinji closed his eyes. "The Eva is just too dangerous when it's being
controlled by the Dummy," he said, quietly. "You're putting everyone
around it at risk."

"It is a justified risk, if it means defeating the enemy."

"It's a risk you don't have the right to take!" Shinji shot back, his
voice rising. "Ayanami, you're putting _people's_lives_ in danger!
Don't you have any respect for them?"

Rei remained silent. She knew about the concepts of respecting the
dead, and caring for the welfare of the common populace. She'd never
believed in them.

But now...

^If I truly did not care, then why did I need to convince myself that
their deaths were necessary?^ She wondered. ^Perhaps I blamed myself.
Which could mean...^

"Do you blame me for the deaths that occurred as a result of the
battle?" she asked, in the same calm voice.

Shinji calmed down quickly. "No, no..." he said, shaking his head.
"They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm sure the
other Eva would have killed them, anyway, if Unit-00 hadn't been
there."

"Ikari - "

"Just wait, Ayanami," Shinji said, cutting Rei off. "Maybe you're
right. _Maybe_ activating the Dummy was the only way to win. But
_think_ a little before taking the quickest solution!"

"Ikari..." Rei began, pausing immediately after speaking. Shinji
didn't cut in this time, so she continued.

"Ikari-kun, you are no longer combat personnel. Kaoru-san and myself
are the ones who must make decisions regarding the Eva's actions. And
I did what I chose to be the right course of action to defeat the
enemy."

Shinji remained silent for a long time after Rei had spoken. They
walked in silence for a considerable distance.

^It seems I have offended him,^ Rei thought. ^Ikari...can you not
understand my point of view? I know the Dummy is dangerous. I take a
risk whenever it is activated. But the threat of an MP Eva is a
certainty, not a risk. If I had not activated the Dummy, we would
_all_ have been in danger.^

She thought it over. She wanted to talk to Shinji, tell him these
exact words. But the words wouldn't come. She knew why: Commander
Ikari often went silent, when he was _really_ angry. Rei had observed
him conducting verbal assaults before. Often, he was close to
committing cold-blooded murder when he paused, like Shinji had just
now.

Rei found she was afraid. She'd received her share of verbal attacks,
a few of which had even come from the Commander himself. But Shinji
exhibiting this behavior was making her stomach turn. ^Why?^ she
thought. ^Ikari, how is it you make me feel this way?^

Finally, Shinji stopped walking. Rei stopped short, as well, not
wanting to leave him behind. That, and she could tell he had something
to say.

"Is that really all you care about, Ayanami?" Shinji asked, looking her
right in the eye.

Rei blinked. She's seen many expressions on Shinji Ikari's face
before, but this was a new one. His face was deadpan, but his eyes
were hard. It was as though fury was somewhere down inside of him, and
the sheer effort of controlling it was killing all facial expression.

"It was what needed to be done - " Rei began.

"But _is_ that all you think about?" Shinji asked, anger beginning to
seep into his voice. "Is Eva _all_ you do? Just 'how can I defeat the
next enemy quickest?'"

"Ikari...I...no, I have chosen to live beyond Eva."

"And how so?" Shinji asked, looking at her again with those hard eyes.

Rei's throat closed up. ^Because of you,^ she thought. But she found
that she couldn't say it. Just thinking about telling him how she felt
made the feelings of fear grow tenfold. As such, she averted her eyes
from his.

^Why do I fear him?^ she thought. ^I have no reason to...do I?^

"You _really_ haven't changed, have you, Ayanami?" Shinji asked. "I
thought you were a girl trying to start her life over. But no, your
life is still just as tied to Eva as it always was...maybe even _more_
so, now. You only care about killing 'the enemy', and you _still_
don't care about your life or the lives of others."

He paused, thinking. "Even without my father around, that's all you
are," he said, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. "Maybe you
should have stayed in the LCL."

Rei's throat went dry as he spoke. He didn't shout, or even raise his
voice until those last few words. Through it all, his tone had been
even and calm. Somehow, that had made it even worse than if he'd
become violent and animated. And, because of this, Rei finally figured
out what she'd been wondering about.

^Ikari is rejecting me,^ she thought. ^He does not desire my presence.
Did I...fear this would happen?^

The last time she'd thought he rejected her, she'd become angry. This
time, though, she was just stunned. Her mind was running in a loop,
unable to come up with anything to say or do to try and make it better.
Perhaps the damage had already been done.

^Just like that other time,^ she thought. ^When he chose to leave me
behind, it was too late. I could not go with him.^

"Well, come on," Shinji said, sounding tired and fed up. "We still
have to go and see Akagi-san."

Still a little shocked, Rei just nodded, and trailed after him as he
walked off.

* * *

Kaoru trudged into the large shelter he and Rei shared. It had indeed
been a very _long_ day.

He made it over to the blanket he slept on, lowering himself onto it
and lying on his back. After a moment, he laced his fingers together
behind his head. He closed his eyes, letting himself relax. He wasn't
tired enough to sleep, but his muscles were protesting against any
further movement.

^It is disturbing, hearing what Arael...Ariel told us. So the other
Angels may remain a threat. I myself never would have guessed the MP
Evas could have been used again, so it only makes sense that Rei would
have missed that, as well. I hope we have the strength to handle any
others that decide to attack.^

He sighed. It was too late in the day to be thinking like this. He
needed to sleep. He closed his eyes and let himself relax.

Some measure of time passed. The sun, already starting to dip below
the horizon, set as he dozed off. The stars were beginning to wink
into view as another set of tired footsteps roused him from his
peaceful rest. He didn't need to open his eyes to tell who it was.

"Good evening, Rei," he said, quietly.

A muffled 'thud' sounded next to him, followed shortly thereafter by
some rustling noises as Rei sat down. Kaoru opened his eyes, seeing
that she'd dropped a small pack, and was pulling a small container out
of it. If Kaoru's guess was right, the container was holding that stew
he was quickly becoming sick of.

Smoothly and methodically, Rei poured herself some of the gray liquid,
using a small cup she'd brought along for the purpose. Eyes staring
blankly into space, she started drinking. Kaoru could tell something
was wrong. She looked like she was moving entirely by rote, not really
thinking about what she was doing.

"Rei?" he asked, turning his head a little to get a better look at her.
"Is something bothering you?"

The girl gave no indication she'd heard him. She just kept drinking
her meal. Kaoru watched her for another few moments. He was about to
look away when he saw it: a single, glistening tear pooled in her eye,
then made a glittering trail down her face before finally falling to
the ground. The girl never even seemed to notice it.

"Rei?" he asked. "Rei, what's wrong?"

Rei set her cup down and curled up, holding her legs against her chest.
For the first time in several minutes, she blinked. Her eyes flickered
over to the side, noting Kaoru's presence, and his questioning gaze.

"Ikari-kun resents me," she said, finally.

Kaoru propped himself up on one arm. He took a moment to choose his
words, looking up into the darkening sky as he did so. He noticed that
the moon was about to come out.

"That's a rather strong word," he commented. "Are you certain he
really feels that way? Or did he just say something out of anger?"

Rei paused, her eyes flickering with a recent memory. "I fear it may
be the former. He...he suggested that conditions would be better had I
never returned."

"Well, _that's_ not right," Kaoru replied. "You sound like you're not
sure. I can tell you that things are better now than they would have
been otherwise. You're getting a second chance."

"...And with this 'second chance', I again choose a life path that
revolves around Eva and battle."

Kaoru licked his teeth pensively. "Is that true, Rei? Is Eva the only
thing that matters in your life?"

"No," Rei replied, immediately and without hesitation. Kaoru nodded,
smiling at the certainty he heard in her voice.

"But...when Ikari-kun asked me the same question, I could not answer,"
she replied. "I found my thoughts were muddled. I was unable to think
of a suitable response."

"Why was that?"

"I...I believe that I felt fear. Fear that my response would...cause
him to reject me."

Kaoru tilted his head, interested. He reached into the pack Rei had
brought and sorted through its contents, eventually pouring himself a
cup of the stew. The smell made his nose curl up, but he knew he had
to eat something after the day's events.

"I wonder..." he began, casually. "Why you would suddenly fear a
single lilum. You have been able to face down Angels, and even deal
with your own death, so easily. So why the fear?"

Rei shook her head. "My...memories of Third Impact have slowly been
resurfacing. I still cannot recall the specifics," she said. "But I
know that I started it, that I unified humanity into a sea of souls, so
that I could protect Ikari-kun. And..." she trailed off, her throat
closing for a moment. She didn't quite understand why her throat would
seal up like that, but it took a few moments before she could clear it.
"And I remember he rejected Third Impact, and in doing so rejected me.
Perhaps...with this 'second chance' I have, I fear it will end the same
way my past existence did."

Kaoru nodded thoughtfully. "How do you feel about Shinji-kun, Rei?
You don't sound as sure as you normally do."

Rei remained silent for a long time. Kaoru eventually levered himself
into a sitting position, forcing himself to drink the stew he had. He
waited, patiently.

"I do not have a single word," Rei said, quietly. "I remember feeling
angry, when I first thought he was rejecting me. But at the same time
I felt fear, because I somehow knew I would be helpless to stop him if
he _did_ decide to reject me. I have never been helpless before, yet
Ikari-kun makes me feel that way. It is...disturbing."

"Understandable," Kaoru commented. "I myself feared letting Shinji-kun
become too close, as that would mean I could be hurt. I believe all
lilum feel the same way."

Kaoru observed her silent form as the night slowly descended. Rei just
sat there for the next hour or so, thinking over the day's events.
After a while, she lay down and closed her eyes, trying to rest.

At some point during their conversation, the moon had made its
appearance. As Rei moved, though, the light of the moon fell on her,
lighting up her pale skin and giving it the appearance of porcelain.

Flawless...priceless...untouchable...all those words described the
feeling Kaoru got looking at her, at that moment. A thought came into
his mind.

"When was the last time someone touched you?" he asked Rei.

Rei turned her head, meeting his eyes with a cold stare. But after a
moment, her eyes softened and she blinked. "What do you mean?" she
asked.

"When did someone willingly make physical contact with you? Or the
other way around," he added on, almost as an afterthought.

Rei turned away again, going back to staring straight ahead. "Six days
ago," she replied.

"And before that?"

"The day before."

Kaoru nodded, pursing his lips. "Impressive," he replied. "This from
the girl who drives everyone away?"

It might have been a trick of the light, but Rei's cheeks appeared to
redden slightly. She turned her head so he wouldn't see. "Ikari-kun
is slightly more open," she replied.

Kaoru blinked. "What do you mean? That he has less trouble touching
you?"

"He does not fear me as much as the others do," Rei replied in the same
even voice, though her blush deepened. "I asked him to."

Kaoru nodded again. He looked away from her, closing his eyes again.
"Have you ever touched him?" he asked. "It may help you come to grips
with your feelings."

Rei blinked at the question, again turning her head to look over at
him. For a long time, she said nothing. Kaoru's breathing became slow
and even during this time, but Rei could somehow tell that he was not
asleep.

"It has not..." she finally replid, speaking slowly. "It has only
served to make me more confused."

Kaoru opened one eye, the single red iris turning to gaze at her.
"Where did you touch him?"

Rei let out a breath, slowly. "His cheek," she replied. "Both times."

"Both?"

"I struck him one day, long ago...when he insulted the Commander. And,
six days ago...I caressed his other cheek, with my other hand."

Kaoru smiled, closing his eye again. "You are an enigma, Rei. You
fear him, yet feel safe around him. You've hit him, yet you have
caressed him, as well. I don't know what to tell you."

"I did not expect you to know, Kaoru-san."

"Then again," he continued, as though Rei hadn't spoken, "lilum _are_
known for their contradictions."

Rei blinked, not looking at him. She stood up and, using her good arm
rolled up her right sleeve, baring some of her pale skin. Kaoru,
hearing the rustling, sat up, opening his eyes and watching, curiously.

"Yet there is something else I fear, Kaoru-san," she said, reaching
down into the pack.

"Which is?"

Rei stood back up. Her left hand now clutched a black knife hilt.
"That what I feel may soon disappear," she said. "Can you not sense
it, Kaoru-san? My feelings seem dulled, after this most recent
battle."

Kaoru maintained eye contact a little longer, then looked away from
her, saying nothing.

Rei pressed the release catch on the hilt, the glittering blade
flipping out of the handle and locking into place. "You knew?" she
asked, unsurprised.

Kaoru remained silent, still not making eye contact. He shook his
head, though not in response to Rei's question.

As she watched him, Rei inverted the blade and buried it into her cast.

Kaoru took notice immediately. Shocked, he raised one hand, his mouth
opening to shout at her to stop. But from the look on Rei's face, he
could tell that doing so would not help. She was determined to
accomplish what she was doing.

"Be careful," he said, watching as she cut a longitudinal slash down
the cast.

"I have cut off my own casts before," she replied, getting down to her
wrist and finishing the cut. She then turned her arm over and made a
matching cut on the other side. Kaoru watched quietly, letting her
show him whatever it was she wanted to show him. He had a fairly good
idea of what it was.

Finally, she was done. The cast fell off her arm, clattering to the
ground in two pieces. Rei held out her now-freed arm. Kaoru could
tell immediately that it was no longer broken. Rei flexed her arm,
moving it through a few arcs to make sure it still worked.

"No human heals so quickly," she said, quietly. "Yet after the battle,
I felt that my arm was no longer injured."

Kaoru made eye contact this time, nodding slowly.

"For several minutes afterwards, my emotions were virtually
nonexistent," Rei continued, looking down at him. She was visibly
trying to keep her composure, but worry was still showing on her face.
"I fear that if this continues, I will lose them."

"So your emotions are important to you now, Rei?" Kaoru asked, tilting
his head.

Rei went silent, looking away from his eyes. "I do not know yet," she
said. "Yet I still desire to explore them. I do not want them taken
from me, before I can even understand them."

"Well," Kaoru said, lying back down, "that's up to you, Rei. I will be
here to talk, but I cannot explain your emotions for you."

Rei was quiet after he said that, looking at him. Inside, she felt
disappointed. Kaoru obviously had a better understanding of his
feelings than she did. She'd been hoping he could tell her what she
was missing out on.

Finally, Rei shook her head slightly, and turned to go.

"Goodnight, Rei," Kaoru mumbled, listening to her leave. ^And I wish
you good luck in figuring out what you feel,^ he mentally added on. ^I
know I would not want to be in your shoes, right now.^

He turned and looked up into the silvery eye of the moon. It was
moving across the night sky through a sea of stars, looking down at the
world like it always did. It was almost as though it were searching
for something.

^I truly hope you don't become like that, Rei,^ he thought. ^Always
searching, and not even knowing what you're looking for. Lilum do not
deserve to feel like that.^

* * *

Rei walked out of the shelter, turning and going around behind it.
There, illuminated by the moon, Unit-00 knelt, powered down and waiting
until it was needed.

Rei approached the mech, her face betraying only a small hint of the
confusion she felt inside. She felt as though she needed a change in
scenery. And the Eva had been a companion for so long, she felt that
she would be able to relax if she was near it. Even though it was just
a machine, it still played a large part in her life.

^Humans are governed by their contradictions,^ she thought. ^I have
heard Doctor Akagi say the same thing, when describing the workings of
the MAGI to the technicians. Constant conflicts make humans what they
are.^

Rei made it up to the Eva's foot and sat down, leaning back against it.
^But do I want that?^ she wondered, as she felt the cold metal stealing
her body warmth. It eerily reminded her of the cold feeling she'd had
just after winning against the MP Eva that day.

^Do I want to follow a human's life path? For the entirety of my
existence, I have had very few doubts about anything I ever did. If I
did anything, it was necessary. If I felt anything, it was extraneous
and should be ignored. But life is so difficult, now. I am finding
the exploration of my emotions to be very informative.^

She briefly remembered the warm, contented sensation she'd felt, for
just a moment, as she'd caressed Shinji's cheek. She closed her eyes,
almost able to feel his cheek under her hand. ^And these emotions
are...pleasing, as well.^

But the feeling was dull, as though she were feeling his cheek through
a glove now, instead of her bare hand. The feeling of contentment was
also dimmed, slowly being replaced by apathy.

Then, with a suddenness that shocked even her, she recalled another
memory: of sharp contact, and brief pain, as her palm struck Shinji's
cheek.

^I had never become so...angered, before,^ she thought, remembering.
^Yet Ikari-kun made me feel that way. Just as he is making me feel
these confusing emotions. I am afraid of these changes, but at the
same time I desire them. This is yet another contradiction. It is
difficult, being human...so do I desire that?^

She again remembered the feeling of Shinji's face under her hand, from
both times she'd touched it. She clenched her left hand into a loose
fist, and held it against her chest, feeling her heart beating
underneath her shirt. She shifted her weight and slid off to the
right, until she was lying on her side, with her back still against the
Eva's foot. She closed her eyes, letting sleep come as she curled up
again.

She was tired, now, and still unused to thinking out complex personal
matters such as this. She'd think about it later.

* * *

About ten minutes later, Rei became aware that the scenery around her
had changed.

For one, she was sitting down. For another, she was sitting in her old
school classroom, and wearing her old school uniform. Currently, she
was resting in her standard position: chin resting on the heel of her
hand, staring disinterestedly out the window. The scene outside was of
the night sky, with the moon still rising. However, its glowing
surface was marred by roiling, swirling clouds, which threatened to
extinguish the soft light it gave off, illuminating the classroom.

As she looked, she saw her reflection in the glass of the window. And
for once, this reflection did _not_ show what she looked like. In the
glass, her reflection was quite visibly naked, and was standing instead
of sitting, with its arms hanging loosely by its sides.

"Who is this?" came a voice from behind her.

Rei turned to face the speaker. She blinked as she saw a young girl -
no more than six years old - standing there, not far from her. A
young girl, with blue hair. And red eyes.

"This is me," Rei replied, remembering the last time she'd pondered her
existence.

"And me as well," the girl replied. As she said this, she blinked.
When she opened her eyes again, they were glowing bright red. It only
lasted a moment, however; even as Rei watched, the glow died off. The
little girl smirked, as the glow vanished.

"You...you are the Dummy plug?" Rei asked, taken aback.

"To an extent," the other girl said, climbing up to a desk and sitting
down on its edge. "I am still you. I am the you that follows orders
without question. That does what she is told, no matter what the
consequences. That is the nature of the Dummy, is it not?"

Rei nodded, slowly. She opened her mouth to say something when she
felt a cold breeze enter the room, caressing her bare legs and arms,
making her shiver. She turned around, seeing that the windows were
still tightly closed.

But in turning around, Rei noticed something else: that her reflection
had detached itself from the window. It had gained no substance in
moving this way, however. As such, a translucent, nude copy of herself
stood in front of her, staring at her dispassionately. It seemed to
emanate cold, slowly chilling the air around it like a breeze from the
heart of winter.

"I am you, as well," the reflection said. Its voice echoed, as though
being heard from a long way off, at the end of a tunnel.

"What are you?" Rei asked, confused.

The reflection said nothing, but closed its eyes. Moments after it had
done so, its back expanded, growing outwards and forming into a six
pairs of wings, just as ethereal as the rest of the reflection. They
were neither birdlike nor batlike, but possessed qualities of both.
The ghostly girl opened her eyes again.

"I see..." Rei said. "You are an Angel."

"As you were," the reflection said, its voice as cold as its body.
"And as you are becoming. I have gained in strength recently."

Rei tried to control herself, but felt fear slowly crawling up her gut,
nevertheless. The reflection gave no outward reaction, but spoke
again.

"You fear me, just as the humans do," it said. "I am unable to feel
this fear."

"Or other emotions," Rei completed for it. "You are what suppresses my
feelings."

"I am also what protects you. An ordinary human would be unable to
control an Eva, or use an AT field."

"Yet you are stealing my life," Rei replied, her brow furrowing.

"You need me, nonetheless," the reflection said, as unemotional as
ever. "You need my strength to fight your battles. And in battle,
feeling nothing is preferable to feeling regret."

"You need me, as well," the young girl-slash-Dummy plug added in,
breaking her silence. "I am the part of you which you do not wish to
relinquish."

Rei turned to face the girl. "I do not understand."

The other girl smirked, again. "You do not want to live without a
Commander," she said. "You wish to have someone tell you what to do."

Rei remained silent, knowing that there was nothing she could say to
that statement, other than quiet agreement.

"You wish to live only for battle," the girl said. "You fear living
beyond Eva."

"No," Rei said, in response. "There is...more I would have in my
life."

The girl's eyes glowed again. "Perhaps. _You_ at least have the
choice. My life will never be anything but battle. And yet..."

The girl trailed off. Rei controlled herself, waiting for the girl to
finish her sentence.

"Yet I believe that I am achieving something preferable," the young
girl began again. She tilted her head, thoughtfully. "I feel that I
am beginning to enjoy this sensation of combat."

"You enjoy it?" Rei asked, blinking.

"I believe so," the girl said, turning to look at Rei again. "The feel
of the knife in my hand, and...to a much greater extent, the feel of my
opponent's blood splashing on me...was pleasurable."

This being Rei's mind, her shock was easily read on her face. She
tried to reach out, to make the dream end.

"You fear admitting it to yourself," the girl said. "That some small
part of you enjoys this. That is why you cannot abandon Eva. It is
your addiction."

"And it is why you wish to reject your humanity," the reflection added.
"You are unable to turn your back on this power. Though you hate it,
you love it as well."

Rei drew back. "No. I cannot believe that."

The dream abruptly began to end. The colors shifted and faded away,
going to the blackness and oblivion Rei usually slept with. But just
before it ended, the girl's soft voice, as well as the reflection's
echoing voice, rang out as one:

"You will, Rei Ayanami."

* * *

In her sleep, Rei rolled over, her brow furrowing as she moaned.
Shivering, she hugged herself for warmth, as she waited for the night
to end.

------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
Started: May 29, 2001
Version 1 Ended: June 15, 2001
Version 2 Ended: July 15, 2001

Send comments to: otakusadist@hotmail.com
And visit my site: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/shinjirei

As always, thank you, prereaders: Avatar of Dragonia, Heavyarms Kai,
and Judging Eagle. A special thanks goes to Avatar, for having given
me the ideas for several of the scenes in this chapter, as well as a
title.