Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Cold Rain on a Cold Mountain ❯ Commercial Break One: The Cast Interviews ( Chapter 3 )

COLD RAIN ON A COLD MOUNTAIN

COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first official Commercial Break for Cold Rain on a Cold Mountain! Now, I bet all of you are disappointed that this isn't a new episode, but hey, our lovely sponsors have to get a word in edgewise sometime! One commercial every two episodes isn't half-bad in my book, so no complaining.

Anyway, you are all probably wondering what the hell this Commercial Break nonsense really is. In truth, it's just Lain-chan's excuse to post something even though there are no new chapters done yet. But, it's also much more than that. It's a chance for the characters (yes, you read right, the characters) to reflect on the story, and for some humor to break up the generalized angst fest that normally fills the episodes. So basically, it's like an omake episode, but with a bit more meat (or is that fluff?) than the normal omake. Beware! I have enclosed many obscure and yet strangely fascinating Japanese expressions and references to other shows! See how many you can find!

O.K., so enough explanation, right? I can start the break now, right? Great!

COMMERCIAL BREAK ONE:

THE CAST INTERVIEWS

*The scene is a nearly empty stage that lies between two velvet curtains. It is a well-worn stage, which has on it only a half-dozen folding chairs. The stage itself is cloaked in darkness, giving it a feeling of uninviting doom. Then, without warning, a multitude of lights start to flash, and the stage is bathed in a radiant glow. As a previously unseen audience erupts in cheers, Lain-chan runs onstage, and waves overexcitedly.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Hi, hi, and welcome to our first Commercial Break! If this segment becomes popular, we may be able to have more in the future, so speak up and let me know what you want! Anyway though, today we have the rare opportunity to talk directly with some of the incredible cast of Cold Rain on a Cold Mountain, so you are all in for a real treat! Since time is short, I'll introduce them all right away. First up, we have the star of the show, Ikari Shinji-kun!"

*As the audience explodes with applause, Shinji walks out into the spotlight from backstage. He is wearing a snug looking pair of black pants, and a black shirt that says on it `Kiss me, I'm depressed!' In addition, he also has a red jacket, and a black brimmed hat with a red band around the base. He bows uncomfortably in front of everyone, then takes a seat next to Lain-chan.*

LAIN-CHAN: "And how are you today, Shin-chan?"

SHINJI: "Gah, Lain-chan! Don't call me that!"

*He blushes cutely.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Awww... isn't he cute when he does the whole Young Subaru thing, folks?"

*Shinji decides it isn't worth protesting, and instead covers his face with his hat exactly like Subaru does in Tokyo Babylon.*

LAIN-CHAN: "So, what's with the outfit today? Did you want to impress Kaworu-kun? Ohoohoohoohoo!"

*Shinji suddenly forms a massive sweatdrop, and tries even harder to hide under his hat. Lain-chan giggles uncontrollably in a perfect imitation of Hokuto. The audience laughs at Shinji's antics as well.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Well, enough with that. Let's bring out our next guest, shall we? Please give a big hand to our other star, Ayanami Rei-chan!"

*The entire stage is tinted blue as Rei enters. She is wearing a pair of blue jeans, a soft blue fleece sweater, and a pink shirt with the face of the third angel Sachiel emblazoned on it. To the audience, she first bows deeply, then blows them a kiss. Several in attendance faint instantly.*

REI: "Hi everyone! It's so great to be here! Oh, and be sure to buy my new CD, `Rei sings Brittany!"'

LAIN-CHAN: "Thanks so much, Rei-chan! I know how busy you are these days with your recording contract."

REI: "Yes, it's been real hard to fit everything in lately. Sometimes, I don't even have time to eat! But I feel great, and I wouldn't give up the chance to be here with my fans for anything!"

*There is a sizable `aww' that comes from the audience.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Well, now that our guests are here, let's get down to the business of Cold Rain. Shinji-kun, Rei-chan, what have your impressions been so far of the story?"

SHINJI: "Well, first off, I wanted to say that it's been an honor to be in such a wonderful show with such a great cast. Getting to work with Ayanami-san here... it's something that has made me very happy, and it's an experience I know I'll never forget."

REI: "Oh Shinji-kun, it relieves me so much to hear that! When we had that scene together in the train, you seemed so depressed that it just tore me up inside. And when I had to hit you like that, it really broke my heart. You should have been the one to hit me!"

*Shinji noticeably blushes, and starts to stammer like he's done it his whole life.*

SHINJI: "I... ay... Ayanami-san!"

*Rei continues on innocently as if nothing has happened.*

REI: "In the next episode, Gendo-kun gets to slap me around a little bit, and it got me sooo turned on... I wish you would do that to me, Shinji-kun.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Oooh, Rei-chan is into S&M! Shin-chan, can you satisfy your woman?"

SHINJI: "Satisfy... Ayanami-san...?"

*He suddenly gets it, and covers his nose to disguise the sudden exodus of blood.*

LAIN-CHAN: "And there you have it, folks. Cold Rain already has its first happy couple!"

SHINJI: "AHHH! No, Lain-chan! We're not a... c-c-couple!"

REI: "Oh Shinji-kun, you're forgetting about last night... in the EVA cockpit..."

SHINJI: "You told me that was a dream sequence for the show!"

LAIN-CHAN: "Didn't the lack of cameras tip you off, Shinji-kun?"

REI: "Actually, I taped the entire thing for posterity!"

*Shinji, who all this time has been trying to hide under his hat, involuntarily rips it in half at the revelation. The audience, which is already chuckling, explodes into laughter.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Oooh, kinky move, Rei-chan!"

REI: "I figured I could always use it as blackmail later."

LAIN-CHAN: "You don't by any chance have the tape here, do you?"

REI: "Why yes I do, Lain-chan."

*As the entire scene goes into a self-imposed Slow Motion, Rei pulls the tape out of her sweater pocket. Shinji's eyes bulge as he sees the tape."

SHINJI: "Aiiyaaanaaamiii, noooooooo!"

*He leaps at her in an attempt to grab the video, but he instead knocks her out of her chair and onto the ground before falling on top of her, to the reaction of whistles and cat calls from the audience. Both teenagers, especially Shinji, turn bright red as they realize Shinji's hand is square on Rei's right breast. For a long moment, they both just stay frozen, staring at each other. Then, almost imperceptibly, Shinji starts to lean towards her for a kiss. Rei notices this, smiles, then delivers a well-placed blow to the tempted boy's groin with her knee as the scene goes back to Regular Speed. The audience reacts immediately, some with loud laughter and others with moans of sympathy as Shinji, clutching his injured place, keels over heavily to the side as Rei gracefully rises.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Ouch! That's gonna hurt in the morning!"

SHINJI: "It... hurts... now..."

*Lain-chan decided to ignore this comment, and instead focuses on Rei.*

LAIN-CHAN: "You have such poise when dealing with boys, Rei-chan (hey, that kinda rhymes! Whadaya think, folks?). Could I wager a guess and say you have to deal with this sort of thing all the time?

REI: "Yes, although I love my fans dearly, they sometimes get a little out of hand. Actually, I think I kind of went easy on Shinji-kun there, compared to what I do to people I don't know..."

*Shinji, who has nearly managed to get back on his hands and knees, falls flat on his face at this revelation.*

SHINJI: "You... you went easy on me?!?"

REI: "Indeed I did, Shinji-kun. I could have always done this as well."

*Rei decides that now would be a good time to show Lain-chan and the audience what `this' is. She plants her foot firmly to his already injured groin with a strong upward kick, then as Shinji is lifted into the air by the force of the blow, spins quickly around and delivers a roundhouse kick with her other foot, sending the boy flying across the stage and into a pile of well-placed drums of LCL-flavored vodka, several of which break open. Seemingly unsatisfied with this, Rei snaps her fingers, and as if one cue a stage light plummets from the catwalk and clubs Shinji on the head, knocking him flat into the now pooling vodka. Astonishingly, he manages to lift his head up and flash the `thumbs up' sign. The audience applauds uproariously, as Lain-chan exclaims.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Wow, first Subaru, and now Keitaro! Shin-chan, you're amazing!"

SHINJI: "I... try..."

LAIN-CHAN: "And there you have it, folks. Ikari-Shinji-kun, actor and part-time punching bag extraordinare! Let's all give him a hand for being such a good sport!"

*The audience applauds happily, as Shinji gets back up to his feet. Rei hesitates for a moment, then goes over to help him up.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Well, we're almost out of time, so I'll take the liberty to ask our young stars what their plans for the future are. Shinji-kun, you wanna go first?"

SHINJI: "Well, after I am finished with Cold Rain, I want to try and do some more experimental work."

LAIN-CHAN: "What kind of experimental work would that be? Don't tell me you're getting into Legend of the Overfiend or anything like that."

SHINJI: "No no no, not anything like that! I just wanted to work with this one director I heard about. Anno Hideaki, that's his name. He has a project that he is making that I want to be in."

LAIN-CHAN: "Anno Hideaki... never heard of him. Ah well. So, what's this project that you want to be in?"

SHINJI: "Cutey Honey."

*For the first time in the already eventful show, Lain-chan is speechless.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Well, um, good luck with that. Rei-chan, how about you?"

REI: "Well Lain-chan, I would tell you except for I'm on these happy wake-up drugs that keep me in a constant state of hyper-activity so I can act and record records and appear on shows like this twenty-four hours a day so that me adoring public never has to take their eyes off me even at two in the morning `cause then I have a webcam show that's very popular among boys twelve to eighteen especially when I start going like this *does a very fast stripper-style dance* but the long and short of it is that I can't think about anything that is happening more than twenty minutes from now without falling unconscious or something embarrassing like that and I tend to forget things too and I wish that my producers didn't have me on this `cause it makes me feel so unnatural and empty inside kind of like a doll y'know so what were we talking about again?"

*For the second time in the already eventful show, Lain-chan is speechless.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Well, um, good luck with that. Well, I think the show is almost over for today... right? Right?"

*Lain-chan's producer waves the `keep stalling' signal desperately.*

LAIN-CHAN: "All right, well, I guess we've still got some time! Let's see, what can I ask the cast about..."

*Lain-chan thinks for a moment, but doesn't come up with anything.*

LAIN-CHAN: "Well... um..."

*Lain-chan panics, and hits the Guest Star button. A loud air horn sounds throughout the theatre, confetti starts flying in all directions, and a large neon sign which reads `Desperate Host' starts flashing in the background. Lain-chan, taken somewhat by surprise by all this, turns a bit red with embarrassment but covers it by shrugging to the audience and mouthing `it wasn't me!' After a long and protracted moment of this, the horn blowing finally ceases and the bewildered Shinji and Rei, who had been covering their ears and cowering in their chairs, look first at Lain-chan and then at each other.*

SHINJI & REI: "What was that?"

*Realizing they spoke at the same time, each blushes cutely like the teenagers they are. Feeling a massively geeky Japanese expression coming on, the American members of the audience duck for cover.*

SHINJI & REI: "Happy Ice-Cream!"

*Both youngsters giggle a bit, as the audience noticeably moans at the expression.*

REI: "Really though, I could use some vanilla ice cream right about now."

*Without warning, the lights suddenly dim, and the velvet curtain at the far end of the right side of the stage ripples and then goes flying like a Milan model's skirt on a windy day. From out behind the curtain, the singularly unique profile of a certain famous rock star appears, as the singularly unique sound of a certain infamous song starts playing in the theatre.*

UNNAMED (AS OF YET) ROCK PERFORMER: "Did someone say `Vanilla?'"

LAIN-CHAN: "Like, oh-my-god, look who's here! It's the beguiling, the brilliant, the beyond girly Gackt!"

*The audience explodes into cheers, as Gackt starts singing `Vanilla' with a passion. Rei immediately leaps up from her chair and starts rocking out with Gackt. Shinji, on the other hand, tries to make himself as small as possible, and when Gackt comes next to him, starts blushing furiously.*

GACKT: "Did you miss me, Shinji-kun?"

SHINJI: "Wha… eep!"

*Gackt smiles devilishly, then starts nibbling on Shinji's ear lobe. Shinji turns absolutely beet red at this, as the audience cracks up with laughter.*

GACKT: "What, Shinji-kun? You still don't know who I am…?"

*He pauses for a moment, then kisses Shinji full on the lips in time with the cry of `Ikuuu…!' in the song. Lain-chan starts shrieking in excitement along with the female section of the audience, while Rei, in a seeming attempt to cover her own slight jealousy, shakes her head sadly.*

SHINJI: "K-kaworu-kun?!?"

*His secret identity having been revealed, the handsome bishie leans back from the blushing Ikari and with a flourish pulls off his very convincing Gackt mask, to the appreciative cheers from the audience. For the third time in the already eventful show, Lain-chan is speechless.*

KAWORU: "Good guess, my delightful little boy toy! All it takes is one kiss to revive the heat of our passionate night!"

REI: "WHAAAT?!?"

LAIN-CHAN: "Oooh, the plot thickens! Shin-chan, how ever are you going to pick?"

KAWORU: "This one has no choice in the matter. He was mine to begin with."

REI: "T-this one? How many do you have, you little demon?!?"

KAWORU: "More than you, that much is sure. And, it's angel, not demon."

REI: "Gahh! You just back off, you old meanie! Shinji-kun is too pure for you! And besides, who would want to be with some totally gorgeous guy… with such a pretty face… and such nice red eyes…"

*Rei swoons, and flutters to the floor like a falling feather. Kaworu now turns his gaze back on Shinji.*

KAWORU: "You've looked into my eyes. Your path now leads… to DOOM! And by DOOM, I really mean hours of hot yaoi action!"

SHINJI: "Noooo!"

LAIN-CHAN: "Well, that's all the time we've really got for today. Be sure to tune in next time, to find out who ends up with lucky Shin-chan! That is, if we don't get voted off the air for violating decency standards before then. Shin-chan, you want the closing word?"

SHINJI: "For the love of god, somebody help me! Kaworu-kun's got me in his death grip!"

LAIN-CHAN: "Well, isn't that uplifting (in so many more ways than one)? Now, back to the angst! So long, folks!"

*As the audience cheers and Shinji struggles to escape the deadly Gaze of The Bishie, the lights slowly fade out, as the credits role. The frantic (and rather girly) screams of Shinji can still be heard over the theme music of the aptly appropriate `Vanilla.' The first crazed commercial break has come to a close.*

COMMERCIAL BREAK ONE END