Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Hollow ❯ Chapter One ( Chapter 1 )

Hollow

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. Gainax does. I will gladly destroy all traces of this document should they wish (Hopefully they won't). This is the second installment of the Shinji and Asuka fan fiction 'Hollow'.

Chapter One

Tension. Confusion. Pain.

If I had not been so emotionally distraught. My eyes might have showed the full extent of fear I felt. Still she stayed. Her back to me. I felt so many emotions run through my head. Part of me was tempted to walk up to her. Take her in my arms. Comfort her. The other part wanted to strangle her. Wipe that smirk off her face. It would end the pain, but that would be running I promised myself that I'd never do anything to hurt her ever again. I failed. Just like everything else. All I am good at is piloting Eva. I hate it. I have to do it. If I don't. The people I love will get hurt and killed. I can't let that happen. I won't. No!

How could she be so calm? Doesn't she care? I feel sick. My stomach is churning. Somehow I managed to will my feet to move. I took the first steps. Over the threshold. My eyes never leaving her slender, elegant figure. I never really noticed before. She was quite beautiful. Her long red hair. Cascading down her back. I guess I always saw her as 'Demon Girl'. I never even considered her as a woman. Even if she wasn't fully developed. True. I did love Ayanami, but she is dead to me. Nothing left but a doll. A fucking doll!

I sighed. I tried to stop my hand from shaking. The images still calm periodically. Touji. Unit-03. The thirteenth angel. My father. That smirk on his face. He didn't care. He never cared. Not since mother died. He became a stone cold emotional boulder. He is just using us. For his own sick purposes. Why I follow him. To this day I still do not know. Asuka jerked slightly. She turned to face me. I almost wished she stayed the way she was before. Her eyes. Those eyes. That once held such beauty. They were almost. Lifeless.

Cold. Pain. Death.

Those are the things they reminded me of. Her shoulders. They sagged and slumped. Her cheeks became very hollow. Her skin pale. She sent a painful memory of the old Ayanami into my mind. That is what she resembled. An emotionless doll. I had done this to her. It was my fault. Mine! I should have let her do as she wished. Maybe if I was like the boys at school. If I did look at her that way. She mightn't have acted the way she did towards me. I clenched my eyes and then looked away. Studying the dimly lit floor with great interest. Trying to stop those tears from coming. They tried to force their way through. I could feel it. Not this time. No…

I tried to speak. My throat was so dry it came out in a harsh whisper.

"Asuka…" I don't know if she heard it. Probably not. She didn't seem to react at all. She didn't frown. Smile. Smirk. Nothing. Just a cold blank expression.

If only.

If only I had saved her from that angel. Instead of Rei. Maybe she wouldn't be so sad. Her pride was damaged. Badly. Her stubborn German pride. I'll never forgive myself for that. All my life I've blamed someone else. My father. Misato. Asuka. Mother. Not this time. I'm a poor excuse for a man. I don't deserve to live with such beautiful women. My friends envy me. They shouldn't. I don't deserve them either. No wonder father abandoned me. What? Did Asuka just try and say something? I looked harder. Indeed it did look like she was trying to say something. The words seemed to catch in her throat. I sighed once more. Looking up to her slightly. Was she… crying?

Maybe it's my imagination. I could have sworn her eyes just softened slightly. Just for that split second. My face seemed to droop. I was feeling horrible. I barely fought the temptation to embrace her slender figure. It wouldn't help. She would just stand there. Or even worse. Run away again. Her eyes looked extremely bloodshot and puffy. She had been indeed crying. I looked down. My fists were clenched. I clenched them so hard that I had pierced the skin with my nails. The soft sensation of blood running down my fingers filled my senses. Then the burn that was pain. This pain would be a reminder. A reminder of the pain I inflicted on Asuka. I have to make this up to her. It's not too late to mend that promise. I can do it. I have to.

Asuka closed her eyes. Turning around she began to walk ever so slowly towards her room. I blinked. No. Don't go. Don't leave me. Asuka. I need you. No. I took a moment to look at her departing figure. The bedclothes she wore. I almost smiled. It faded fast when I saw her reach to slide her door open.

"A-asuka…" such simple words came out a muttered sound. I think she must have understood. Because she turned around to face me once more. Expecting some sort of conversing between her and myself.

She still remained silent. We both started at each other for I don't know how long. Our faces showing nothing. Walls of concrete. Set up to prevent being hurt again. None of use moved. She looked as if she was about to say something. However I shall never know. There was a loud noise. Then Misato burst through the door. Wearing a fake grin. I could see right through it. When I took my eyes from Misato and back to Asuka. She was gone. Her door just sliding shut.

"Shinji? What happened?" She tilted her head at me. I just sighed and pulled up a chair at the table. My head in my hands.

"I'm so stupid…" I mumbled, shaking my head.

"Huh?" She blinked and sighed, reaching into the fridge. Her hand touched a can of ice-cold beer. Then withdrew itself. Heading to the coffee pot instead. She flicked the on switch and shut the fridge door. Her body slumping over the machine. Like some sort of primate would do over its meal.

There I go again. Being selfish. Something has happened, and all I can think about is myself. I looked up at Misato. I saw her trying to hold back on something. I decided it best I go to bed. I stood up. Nodded to Misato and proceeded to my room. I lie down on my bed. Facing the ceiling. My favorite position. It promotes thinking. It always helps me. I don't know how long I had been lying here. I blinked. I was beginning to wish even more that I didn't smash my alarm clock.

I yawned again. My face emotionless. I had settled down a lot though. Enough to hear something. Faint. Very faint. It sounded almost like. Crying. I shrugged it off. It got louder. I sighed. Wondering whom it was coming from. I stood slowly and weakly moved towards my door. I opened it half way. As I looked out I was astonished to see that it was not Asuka crying. It was… Misato.

She was hunched over the table. The coffee she made before I went to bed still at her side. Never touched. The steam was long gone. The coffee was cold. I could sense it. I looked towards the clock. I had been lying there for an hour. Some light began to come through into the room. I wanted to help her. I felt I could help her, but I didn't. I am too immature to help Misato. She wouldn't take me seriously. I frowned. Reluctantly turning my back on the weeping woman. My shoulders slumped and I fell upon my futon. Putting the pillow over my head. The stifled sobs of my selfish self filled the room until late morning.

I removed the pillow from my head. The light burned my eyes. I groaned and struggled to cover then. I blindly stood and headed to the door. My stomach informing me that I was in need of food. I opened the fridge and took out some sausages and bacon. It's never too late for breakfast you know. I did not smile however. I poured in the oil and fat. Then placed the sausages and bacon into the pan. I gripped the handle, but I suddenly jerked my hand away. I shook my hand to shake away the pain and blinked. As I looked down at it I saw three cuts on my palm. I sighed. Remembering the events of last night. I knew I deserved this pain. I kept cooking. Completely oblivious to the sound of Asuka's door opening.

I began to smile slightly. Tossing and turning the meat products when necessary. When they were finished I turned around. The pan in hand. I almost dropped it, because as I turned around I saw Asuka. Sitting there. Arms propping her head up. Her eyes staring at me. Dauntingly. I felt myself shrink. I blinked as I realized she must be hungry. So I scooped out my breakfast and put it on her plate. She added the salt and spices to her liking.

I took two glasses from the cupboard and laid them out on the table. Trying to keep my mind busy. To avoid my hand shaking. I opened the fridge door and withdrew a carton of orange juice. I slowly poured the orange, almost chunky looking contents into the cups. I was still slightly wearing of her. So I kind of nudged the glass over with the back of my hand. She snatched it up and drank it quickly. Slamming it back down on the table with a frightfully loud noise. I sat down. Slowly sipping the juice. Trying hard not to stare. Although I never broke eye contact. She ate as if she had not eaten in years. I almost laughed, but the seriousness of the situation withheld my laughter.

I happily watched her eat. Looking for any sign of emotion to emit from her. Sadly I found none. She was still as cold as the last time we confronted each other. She ate so slowly. I thought I was going to die at the slow rate at which the moment progressed. She finished her breakfast. I looked up at her. I had been idly playing with my glass. She stared at me long and hard for a minute or even longer. I lost track of time. Before she finally drew in a deep breath and looked as if she was about to say something again.

"Shinji…" her voice was dry and throaty. It was almost as if her entire human quality left her and she became a doll. I hope not. Asuka always hated dolls.

I looked up. Not speaking. My eyes might have flickered with a shot of hope occasionally. I tried to keep myself as blank as possible.

"I'm… I'm… Oh Shiesse! Why is this so hard to say damnit!" she slammed her fist down on the table. I jumped. The first sign of life she had shown in awhile.

"Asuka… Are you ok?" I blinked. I noticed that my hands were gripping the chair tightly.

"Shinji… I'm… I'm SORRY!" she bowed her head. Her frame began to shake. Her neural plugs had been taken out. So her bangs cascaded over her eyes. Covering them and shrouding her face in shadow.

I was even more surprised to see three crystal drops fall to the table. Splattering against the hard plastic. Her fists clenched. I stood slowly. Gathering my courage. She didn't seem to notice my movement. I made my way around to her. My breath quickening along with my pulse. The saliva catching in my throat. I reached out hesitantly and clenched my eyes. As I moved inwards. I wrapped my arms around her shaking figure. To my surprise. I was not hit with a barrage of insults and psychical abuse. Instead. She seemed to melt into my embrace. The back of her head leaning into my shoulder. She let the tears flow freely now. I almost jumped away as I felt her hands covering mine. So I decided to move her chair out of the way. We both lowered ourselves onto the ground and I sat cross-legged. She seemed to lean into me. I tightened my grip. Her crying intensified. I used one hand to move up and down her shin. I smiled slightly. Proud of myself for not running. I might be able to make it up to her after all.

I don't know how long we stayed like this. Every time I looked up it seemed as if the time was against us. We didn't care. We sat there. Asuka in my arms, and me whispering comforting words into her ear. Caressing her long red hair. I'm sure any normal guy would give an arm and a leg to be in my position. I smiled. Pulling her closer. Her crying seemed to have ceased, and I thought she was asleep until she finally spoke.

"Shinji…" her voice was ragged. The tears she shed were still silently falling. I did not mind. She didn't seem to either.

"Y-yes Asuka?" I blinked. I had thought for certain she was asleep. I tilted my head to the side. Catching a marvelous look at her profile in the late afternoon sunlight.

"Do you think I'm pretty?" she didn't look at me. She sort of twitched. As if she needed to hear this.

I began to think. Taking my time. Then I smiled.

"I think you're beautiful Asuka" I then felt all the blood rush to my cheeks in a bright red blush. I looked towards the floor. Oh great. I messed it up.

What's this? She's getting flustered. Is she… blushing? I blinked. Then smiled.

"T-thank you…" she stuttered. Then leaned into me even more. Putting her arms around my stomach. Almost like she was hugging me.

"Shinji?" she seemed hesitant. Almost as if she was building up courage for something.

"What is it Asuka?" I tilted my head. Smiling slightly. The blush only just was fading.

"Will… You…" she seemed lost. Trying to find the right words. Searching through her head before finally finding the right one. "…Sleep with me tonight?"

I almost fell over. The blush that faded came back. Ten fold. I felt like a tomato. My face was burning. I stuttered and stammered. She caught onto what I had thought of.

"Not that! Pervert!" I could have sworn she just grinned as she said that. "I mean just sleep. Not sexual. I just… don't want to be alone tonight… please?" she seemed almost desperate. The look in her eyes gave that away easily.

I just nodded. She doesn't deserve to be left alone. I will not leave her side all night. I silently promised myself this. I would not hurt her again. No more would she cry over me. Or anyone else for that matter. I will protect her no matter what.

She told me she wanted to take a shower first. I was glad she did. She was a bit on the smelly side. I guess that's what happens when you don't shower for four days eh? I smiled and walked into my room. Settling down into the bed. Just as I heard my door open and there stood Asuka. Wearing a large yellow T-shirt and blue denim shorts. Extra short. She weakly smiled at me and lay down next to me. We both lay on our sides. I hesitantly moved my arm to wrap around her body and pull her in close. She smiled and snuggled into me. The curves of her body felt nice against my own. I hoped I wouldn't spoil it with the blood running somewhere I don't want it to.

Slowly but surely. My eyes started to close. My body in a state of total relaxation. Still infatuated by the apple-like scent of her long, red hair. For a moment I thought I felt her twitch. Like a kitten does when they're sleeping. If she had woken up I didn't notice. As I was fast asleep shortly after.

When the early morning sun hit my eyes. They fluttered open. I groaned slightly, and rubbed them to get the foreign image out. It burned slightly again. Then my eyes adjusted. I looked around. I felt something heavy on my left arm. It was warm and soft. The circulation to my arm had minimised because as soon as I woke up. I had the stabbing sensation in my arm. You know. I looked towards the object that was on my arm. If she had not been laying there. I might have fallen out. I stifled the gasp with my pillow. I strained to remember the events of the previous night. Then smiled. The images clearing in my head. For a moment. I thought I had done something stupid. Of course doing that with Asuka isn't really stupid. Just a surprise. Slightly inconvenient.

She stirred. Her shoulder twitching. Her eyes fluttering open. A loud yawn escaping her lips. She turned. Looked at me. Her eyes were no longer hollow. They almost showed… life. Was Asuka back to normal? Of course not. Not just yet. I couldn't help but feel proud. I had assisted her. Been there for her. I didn't run away. Maybe Kaji was right? Who knows? I wonder though. I haven't seen Kaji in awhile. Where could he have gotten? Was he the reason that Misato was crying? I would find out later. Right now. I had to cook breakfast for the very hungry, pretty and smiling Asuka.

We were rudely interrupted from our moment by the sound of the phone ringing. I groaned and stood up hesitantly. Asuka did likewise and headed to have a shower. I picked the phone up and put it to my ear. The familiar voice. One that I always dread. The voice of Ritsuko Akagi.

"Shinji? It's Ritsuko." I blinked. Her voice seemed so annoyed. I'll bet she stayed up all last night.

"Yes it's me. What is it Ritsuko?" I tilted my head to the side. Wondering why she needed to call me this early in the morning.

"We need you down at NERV HQ. We need to run some more sync-tests" I think I must have groaned out aloud. Because the next moment I heard her laughter. It sounded fake.

"I'm sorry Shinji, but it must be done you know." She gave me her best motherly tone she could do. I just groaned and hung up. I think she actually enjoys this.

I suddenly froze. I remember Asuka was still here. She's not going to like this. After I made so much progress. I hope she doesn't mind. I'll have to hurry back as soon as I can. I walked to the bathroom door and knocked on it. I was surprised as the usual sling of being a pervert and insults that usually came my way, did not come. She merely opened the door. A towel wrapped around her body, and another towel wrapped around her hair.

She nodded to me as if she knew what I was about to say.

"The phone. Ritsuko. Sync-tests. I'm sorry." I sighed and slumped. I saw flashes of disappointment come across her eyes but they faded as quickly as they came. She shrugged and patted me on the back.

"It's ok Shinji. I'll be fine on my own. Don't worry" She forced a weak smile. I nodded and reluctantly turned into my room to change. When I re-emerged from my room Asuka was sitting at the table. A plate of toast infront of her. She looked at me once as I walked out. I sighed and promised I'd be back as soon as I could, and with that. I was gone.

I put my hands in my pockets as I casually walked towards NERV HQ. Studying the ground with growing interest. Not looking ahead. After a few minutes. I bumped into something. A young boy. My age. Red eyes. Almost like Rei's. Grey hair. He looked at me once. Then smiled, and continued on his way. I watched him as he left. I was stunned to see his eyes. Maybe he was related to Rei? I don't know. I shuddered as I thought of her cold emotionless eyes. She is dead to me now. The real Rei died in Unit-00 when it self-destructed. Because of me. She died to save me. I could never have her back. Ever.

When I reached the entrance to NERV. I swiped my card in the security lock. Unable to shrug off the vision of the one I bumped into. Maybe I'd see him again. I made a mental note to talk to him next time. He was a mystery. Those eyes…

I leaned on the side railing of the escalator as it took me deep within Tokyo-03. I watched as the NERV insignia's went past. Finally I arrived. I headed towards the locker rooms. Still studying the floor when I felt a hand press my shoulder and turn me around. I looked up suddenly and was almost taken aback to see Ayanami. Staring coldly at me. Those blood red eyes. No emotion. Haunting me. I will never be able to look into them again.

"A-Ayanami?" I stuttered. My hands rising slightly. The wall that I had put up came tumbling down from the moment I looked into her pale, cold face.

"Pilot Ikari. You are required in Doctor Akagi's office. Follow me" she did not wait for a signal. Or even to check if I was listening. She just walked down the hallway. I had no choice. So I ran after her. Finally falling into her quick stride.

She said nothing to me. Not a word. I was starting to get angry. I tried to control my temper. My fists clenching once more. The pain in my hand shooting up through my arm and into my brain. I twitched and released the fist. She looked at me and tilted her head.

"Are you ok Pilot Ikari?" I turned to her sharply and simply nodded.

"Your behaviour is very peculiar…" she looked at me. Confused. I just shrugged it off as we stopped. I looked towards the door that indicated that the door belonged to Ritsuko Akagi.

"We are here. Goodbye Pilot Ikari." She nodded once then walked off. Disappearing into the shadows of the lengthy corridor.

I'll never be able to love her again. She's just a doll. I sighed once. Twisting the knob on the door. The door creaked open to reveal Ritsuko Akagi. Staring at a computer screen. Typing in random numbers. Completely absorbed into her work.

"Err. Umm. Ritsuko?" she almost jumped out of the chair. Swiftly bringing her eyes to meet my own. Her own eyes red, puffy. Something was wrong with her. In my current state, I didn't notice.

"Ah yes Shinji. Please lay down on the table and we will begin your physical." I sighed. Great. I hate physicals.

However I did as I was told. Ritsuko was doing the usual drill. Blood pressure and such. I moved my eyes towards the young Tech known as Maya Ibuuki. She smiled at me as she pushed the needle into my skin. I twitched. It didn't seem to hurt as much. She was somewhat gentler than her Sempai.

"Alright Shinji. You're physical is fine. Now for the sync-tests. Get suited up and wait for my signal in the Eva cages". With this. She nodded and walked out. I put my shirt back on and walked out. Heading back to the lockers. I stripped off my clothes and got into my plugsuit. Pressing the button on my wrist. The suit shrinking to fit tightly around my body. Sighing. I moved towards the Eva cages. My mind elsewhere.

I looked up. Drawing in a deep breath. Looking up at my purple mecha. Named Evangelion Unit-01. The test-type model. I looked across, and I saw the production model. Evangelion Unit-02. Asuka's Eva. I tried not to look at it. It reminded me too much of her. Namely what it did to her.

I climbed up (with the aid of a ladder) into my entry plug. The door shutting and the plug sliding into place. The backing closing. The usual startup sounds came. I closed my eyes. The dim lighting of the cockpit embracing my body. Then came the worst part. A torrent of Blood-like LCL flooded the cockpit. I took a few deep breaths and fought the urge to vomit. Truly the LCL was foul. Almost unbearable.

Ritsuko's voice came over the microphone. She gave the usual instructions. The test room was modest. Bland. The simulation screen appeared infront of me. Targets popping up left and right. My finger toyed with the trigger for a few moments, then pulled. Sending a rush of bullets to the unlucky target. Blowing it up in a magnificent display of sparks and fire.

The test continued as normal. I sighed when it was done. The plug ejecting. The LCL drained itself and I took my first few frantic breaths of air. It tasted sweet. Made me feel like I was glad I was alive. My face remained cold as I climbed out and down onto the ramp. Slowly making my way back to the lockers to get this rapidly drying LCL out of my hair. It stunk. I hated feeling dirty.

The steam from my shower filled the tiny room. I rubbed the soap over my body. As hard as I could. The stench of LCL is a hard one to remove. I stepped out from my shower. A towel wrapped around my waist. I sniffed my hand. It was still there. I hated that. It wasn't plainly obvious. But it was still there.

I put on my normal clothes once more. About to make my way out of NERV. My exodus was interrupted however by the voice of Ayanami. She walked over to me and looked me in the eyes. I averted her gaze. Focusing on the floor instead.

"Congratulations Pilot Ikari. Your sync ratio is up 10% this week" she did not show any emotion. Neither did I. I just shrugged and kept on walking. When she spoke again.

"Pilot Ikari… Why do you find my presence disturbing?" she tilted her head. Like a confused puppy.

"I can't explain it Ayanami… You wouldn't understand. Just leave me alone. I need to get back to Asuka." I didn't look at her. I didn't even give her the liberty of facing her while we conversed. I kept walking. Leaving behind an extremely confused Rei Ayanami.

I opened the door to the apartment. Kicking off my shoes.

"Asuka. I'm home" I yawned. Completely drained. I became suspicious however when Asuka did not reply. I blinked and called out again. No reply. I started to get slightly worried. I checked a few random rooms. No sign of her. I heard the sound of the shower. Blinking. I moved my way to the bathroom. Hesitantly opening the door. Steam escaped from the room. I could barely see. I had to wave away some of the steam. I could hear water. I could not however hear the usual signs that showed someone was in there.

After much deliberation. I slid the shower door open slowly. To my horror the water was slowly turning red. Swirling down the drain. Disappearing. My gaze moved from the drainage hole. Upwards. Towards the back of the bath. Where I found Asuka. Slumped. Her body pale. A few large cuts on her arm, and a lot of little ones. In her other hand she held a razor. Blood stained. I could not tell if she was unconscious. I didn't care at the point. Not willingly I let out a horrific scream. I ran to call the infirmary. Pounding the digits in on the keypad. Screaming into the phone for them to hurry to Major Katsuragi's apartment. I did not give them details. I slammed the phone down. Running back to the bathroom. I turned the water off and got a towel. Tightly wrapping it around her arm to stop the blood escaping her. Her body felt cold. Despite the hot water that flowed. I sat in the tub with her. Sitting behind her. Wrapping my arms around her body. Clutching the towel around her arm. The tears. As much as I willed them not to come. Still came. Freely flowing. My voice choked. I told her it would be all right. A million emotions flooded me. Mainly guilt. I felt bad. Extremely bad. If it wasn't for the stupid tests. I should have taken her with me. Or at least foresaw this!

I looked up. My vision blurred. By a mixture of steam and tears. My hands were covered with Asuka's blood. I saw a few NERV infirmary personnel running around the apartment. They came to the bathroom. The nurses pushed me away. They blocked my view. I could not see what they were doing to Asuka. I still cried. They took her from the tub and put her in the back of a car. Speeding her away. I fell to my knees. Feeling helpless. Tears falling. Landing on the ground. I looked at my hands. The blood. There was so much. I clenched my fist. The pain shot through again. I didn't care. I looked up as I stood. I had to get to the infirmary as soon as I could. I had to know if Asuka was ok. So I stood up. My hands still blood soaked. I ran. As fast as I could. Without stopping. Towards the NERV infirmary…

[To be continued…]

Authors Notes: Ok. How'd you like the first chapter? I'd like to thank all that reviewed the introduction. Reviews are what keep me going you know. Anyway. I know this isn't what I had said. But I can change it if I want can't I? I wanted to show just how people can appear changed but in reality they aren't. They just hide it. I think that this is slightly rushed, but I'll leave the judgment entirely up to you. Remember. Read and Review please.

--JadedTrowa