Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ The Way Out is Through ❯ Starting Over, Again ( Chapter 7 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

I do not own Evangelion… However, I do own a nice little paperweight once known as a laptop…



The Way Out is Through
By Ovrboost


Sonata No. 8 In C Minor Op.13 “Pathetic”: Adagio Cantabile

- Beethoven



“Wait!” Shinji said again, with a dry sounding hack, his throat protesting it‘s abuse. He followed Asuka with his eyes, as she ground down to a slow, stuttering halt; her back turned to him. “Don’t… don’t go.” Apparently, any sense of reason, or logic has temporarily abandoned him. Why, for the love of all that once was holy, would he even want to look at her? The radiant beauty that so punctuated his reluctantly remembered youth, so distant with her scathing remarks, contempt, and eventual abandonment; yet so close with all her innuendos, assaults, and temptations. A perfect, and everlasting ring of scars. So why does he call out for more?

Why? Because I thought she was dead… Because I used to think I could love her… Because I’m in hell…
Shinji advanced slowly, on still uncertain legs, gradually closing the distance between them. He stared intently at a spot somewhere just below, and between her shoulder blades, looking for any indication, any movement, or twitch that could be interpreted as a sign for him to stop. Because I’m scared…

She gave a short, defeated chuckle, punctuated by a whispered “Why?” With a scant five meters between them, Shinji froze. Asuka could feel his approach, his searching stare, and she whirled on him, a scathing, and frustrated remark working up to the tip of her tongue. The words died in her throat.

He was wearing an old flannel button down, much too large to be his. It’s front laid opened, billowing gently in the breeze, exposing his slightly anorexic frame. His face was drawn, hair beyond unkempt, eyes dull, sunken, and hollow. Asuka imagined he looked a hell of a lot like she felt. If only she had a mirror, she’d realize just how similar they actually were. He looks different… in the light, she thought, maybe I do too…

Because I think I need you.

“Shinji, I… I can’t stay here.” Asuka replied, making a weak gesture towards the house. She pursed her lips, and glanced down the road. “I’m sor…” she trailed off, and shook her head. “Look. I just can’t okay? I… I gotta go.” Shinji flinched along with the tone of her voice, and looked down while she finished. Defeated. Again.

She watched him with something approaching sympathy. Just go, Asuka… just… walk away. She waited for a reply, but Shinji remained silent beneath her gaze. Before she knew what she was doing, and seemingly of it’s own volition, her right leg took a step out.

Still no reaction.

Her left leg followed, and she started walking away again.

“I looked for you, you know…” His raspy, pathetic voice stopping Asuka in her tracks.

“What?” she asked hesitantly, staring down the road, eyes tracing the outlines of the distant treetops. She suddenly wished to be there.

“After the beach… I was… I was worried, ya know…” He paused, hoping that she would face him, mentally pleading with her to show her face. “About you, I mean…” he added quickly, still talking to her back. “So… I… um… I looked for you.” She finally turned around, facing him slowly. Keep talking, and she’ll stay… Keep talking, and she won’t leave. A quick glance up confirmed.

“I searched all over Japan, looking for you. When we… w-woke up, you… you were injured, and… I… I…” he said, swiping the back of his hand across his cheek. “I couldn‘t find you anywhere… I was so… alone...” He paused to suppress a burgeoning sob, the memory still too vivid in all its blasphemous imagery, the accompanied emotions still too strong. The beach. Rei. Being alone, and having to see it all. Oh, how he loathed dredging up the past.

Recomposing his thoughts after a moment’s wait, he continued. “I thought you were dead, and…” he took a shuddering breath, “I think a piece of me died with you.” Asuka’s breath caught with his words, thoughts spinning behind her eyes at a blinding pace. “I wandered around Japan for five years… going nowhere… I was… I felt so… lost.” His voice gradually lost its’ steam, sounding out the last word with little more than a whisper. The following silence seemed worse than death itself.

The feel of a gentle hand upon his shoulder, brought Shinji’s gaze up from the asphalt. His tear stained, and glistening eyes meeting hers.

“I… had no idea…” her peripheral vision caught the flutter of window curtains. She quickly returned her full attention back to the man in front of her.

“You saw it, right? The way there were b-bodies everywhere… just… just rotting in the sun…” She nodded, remembering the black, and bloated hulks that dotted the countryside. “It was the not knowing… If you were alive… or if the next body I saw would be yours…” Shinji felt the hairs raise on his arm, his voice audibly quaking. “The first time… the first time I checked one… ya know, j-just so.. so I’d know it wasn’t you… I turned it over… but the face was… gone… just gone. I…” his head fell limp. “I couldn’t tell… so I buried her. Ya know, just in case. …I kept looking, though…”

Asuka slid her right hand up from his shoulder, to the back of his neck, and pulled him towards her, until their foreheads met. Shinji shuttered with another suppressed sob, and squeezed his eyes shut. “I’ve buried you so many times… I kept having to say goodbye… Don’t… please don’t leave me this time Asuka. I‘m tired of having to say goodbye. …I‘m tired of burying the people I love.” he whispered, miserably.

“Jesus… Shinji, I…” was wrong. And he was crying.

“There’s nothing else left, Asuka… There’s nothing left here for me,” He said, interrupting her with the same miserable voice, the voice so obviously borderline, desperate. “there’s nothing left to live for…”

I know the feeling. For the second time, Asuka’s words died before they had a chance to leave her throat. It was becoming a nasty habit.

“Shhh…” she soothed, “ It’s gonna be alright…” Damn, that’s lame, she thought as soon as the words left her mouth. The skeptical sound that issued forth from Shinji’s mouth in the form of a half-laughing sob, revealed his similar thoughts.

“Heh, you don’t really believe that do you?” he asked, wishing she would say yes, knowing she wouldn’t. Asuka pursed her lips, and after a moment; replied.

“No…”she said with a sigh, and closing her eyes. “Nothing will ever be alright.” She felt his thin arms encircle her, finally returning the half-embrace. Oddly comforting, despite the lack of strength. She took a deep breath, and felt their chests make contact. “But Shinji… look at me…” he complied, dull eyes glazed, “You can’t give up…” his eyes drifted down and away. “Shinji,” she said in a stronger voice, pulling his gaze back to her. “Promise me… promise me you won’t give up…”

“Asuka… don’t…” he started, shaking his head slowly.

“Promise me.” Asuka demanded with a strength she had thought her voice had lost a long time ago.

“Only if you stay…”

“God damn it Shinji!” she admonished, pushing him away, but he wouldn’t budge. Her voice took on a brittle edge. “I already told you I can’t.” He said nothing. He just held onto her with all the might his emaciated, and wounded body would allow. It was an embrace known only to the desperate, and dying.

“I told you I can’t stay here, you have… you have to let me go.” Again.

“No… no, please don’t go… don’t leave me again… please don’t abandon me… Y-you… you can’t… please, Asuka… I… I can’t be alone again!” he was forcing the words out, his already rough voice cracking harshly under the strain. He started sobbing into her shoulder, whispering desperate, high pitched, yet painfully quiet voice words between the violently deep breaths. “I can’t be alone again…” Asuka had to wipe her cheek again, his new mantra had struck a chord.

Asuka laid a hand on the back of his head, stroking slowly, in a downward motion. “Jesus, I wish I could…” she whispered softly, more to herself, than anything. I’m so sorry Shinji, I fucked it up… God I’m fucked up “Please promise me Shinji.”

“Okay.” he said, the muffled word barely distinguishable, one he repeated after having taken a deep breath, and raising his head. Asuka stroked his cheek, wiping with her thumb, and gave him a tired smile.

“Shinji… I’m going to head back towards Germany,” she nodded behind her, “see what’s left… but… you need to stay here, and heal up.” Shinji had almost immediately started shaking his head, but the tip of her fingertip pressed gently to his lips quelled any further rebellion on his part. “listen, Shinji… just hear me out… They’re good people.” she tried another smile, but it came across weakly. “Get better. You’ll find your reason Shinji. In time, you’ll find your something…” she had to look away momentarily to re-collect herself, “And when you do… if you still want to… look me up, okay?” he nodded weakly, though his eyes told another story.

Asuka leaned in, closing her eyes, and gave him a delicate kiss to the forehead. “Goodbye Shinji Ikari,” tears brimmed at the edges of her vision, but held fast. “I’ll... I’ll never forget you…” They parted slowly, the separation stretching out to the fingertips. Asuka finally turned her back after several steps, her legs feeling like lead weights. The tears obediently fell, having waited their turn for once. She only got ten feet.

“Asuka…” his miserable voice called out to her. She half turned, looking over her shoulder towards him, still trying to hide the tears. “Someday I’ll find you again.… Maybe… maybe then everything will be alright.” she nodded, her sad smile setting the tone. He did his best to grin back, as he watched her turn away, and walk down the road.

She looked back only once.

The day was ending. The dying light filtering through the curtains bathed the entire room in a warm semidarkness. Dust particles looped, and swirled lazily in the single sliver of actual light knifing in at the point where the curtains didn’t quite meet. All facts that would have gone unnoticed had it not been for the abrupt knock at the room’s door. For the first time in what felt like hours, Shinji actually focused upon what his eyes were seeing.

“Shinji?” came the muffled, yet obviously accented voice from behind the door. After a silent moment, the door opened anyways, it’s hinges protesting with a squeal. Yuriy stood in the doorway, a sullen look upon his face. “Dinner is ready. You may join us, feeling welcome.” He was trying. That was a given, but Shinji still couldn’t help but cringe at the grounded out, and chopped pronunciations of his native tongue.

“I’m fine, but thank you.”

“You need to eat” Yuriy protested.

“I’m not hungry.” Shinji replied, finally looking at the man. Yuriy sighed.

“Fine. I’ll bring it too you.”

“Yur-” he started to protest, but the door was already shut, the Russian already gone. damn. Shinji thought with a sigh, before going back to what he was doing prior. It’s easier when you stop thinking. Now, if only he could stop being.

“Don’t worry about the third plate, Svetlana” Yuriy intoned upon breaching the threshold of the candle-lit kitchen. His sudden voice jerked the girl from her thoughts, almost causing her to spill some of the soup before it could make it to it’s prescribed bowl.

“He’s not coming out?” she asked, obviously disappointed. Yuriy simply shook his head. “But… he’s been in there all day. Isn’t he hungry?” Yuriy sighed.

“I’ll take him a bowl in a little while.” he said, collapsing into a chair at the table’s head. Yuriy smiled at her, as she set his bowl on the table. He picked up the worn out, and somewhat crude spoon and went for the first bite.

“Can I?” she asked, sitting down to his immediate right. Her question hit him mid-bite, and looked at her, spoon in mouth, for a quick moment.

“Can you what?” he shot back, setting the spoon down

“Can I take him the food?” Svetlana asked again, after a spoonful. Yuriy watched her eat, her eyes bright, and pleading. She knew his weaknesses well. After all, she did take after her mother. He grinned slightly.

“Sure little one. But finish your meal first.” She beamed a huge smile at him, before turning her attention back to her food.

“Papa?” Yuriy looked back up, his spoon mere inches from his mouth.

“Hmmm?”

“What happened to Asuka?” she asked innocently. Yuriy set the spoon down again, and sighed.

“I don’t know, honey… I don’t know.”

The fire simply refused to stay lit. Asuka slammed the lighter into the dirt, with a frustrated growl. However menacing, her glare wouldn’t start the fire either, though it wasn’t due to a lack of effort. Claiming defeat, she finally leaned back on the tree trunk, and watched the sun through the trees as it raced towards the horizon. A cool breeze rustled the leaves, and sent a shiver down her spine.

“Damn!” she exclaimed, hugging her knees to her chest in response to the sudden chill. It was going to be a long night. Asuka sent a sidelong glance towards her backpack. There are two things in there that held a firm grip on the edges of her consciousness. One of which, she slept in; The other, she could crawl into. (which, by the way, was becoming a very enticing proposition with each passing moment)

She lunged for her backpack, almost breaking the zipper with her hunger to forget. The sleeping bag squeezed out, finally revealing the precious glass bottles, seals mercifully unbroken. She grasped the caramel colored bottle, and set it gently beside the tree. Her face sported an unconscious, perhaps feral, grin, as she set out her sleeping bag, and slipped off her jeans. The pleasant rattle of the pill bottled made her smile grow larger still, as she stuffed her shirt alongside her jeans at the foot of the bag.

Clad only in her underpants, Asuka practically dove into the sleep system, both bottles in hand. For the first time in days, she would finally get the peaceful, dreamless sleep she deserved. Peaceful oblivion, snippets of death though they may be, it was exactly what she longed for, what she needed. The searing liquor bit at her throat, while easing the passage of the tranquilizers, she let out a gasp when she came back for air. She felt like breathing fire.

The failed attempt at a fire pit caught Asuka’s eye, as she took a final sip. It’ll be cold tonight… she thought, capping the bottle; It’ll be cold, and I won’t give a damn. She grinned, and cuddled up into the familiar warmth of her sleeping bag. It took two minutes.

“Just so you know, I…” Oh no… “We… care about you Asuka.”

No you don’t, you liar.

“I told you once, that I’d always be there, …when you’re ready” Asuka turned to her other side. “I’ll listen. I want… I wanna help you, Asuka. But you won’t let me in, …you won’t let me help you.”

Shut up.

“It’s too late for that, Asuka… Get out.”

No…

“…Get out.”

Please…

“I want you to leave. Just… Just get out. Just get out, and don’t come back.” Asuka turned again in her sleeping bag, “ don’t come back.” clinching her eyes shut. “…Get out.”

I’m sorry…

“I looked for you, you know…” She strengthened her hold on the liquor, clutching it to her chest “I’ve buried you so many times… I kept having to say goodbye…”

No…

“There’s nothing else left, Asuka… There’s nothing left here for me.”

I know…

“there’s nothing left to live for…” Asuka shuddered, “Please…”

Stop…

“donR 17;t leave me again…”

Shut up…

“I can’t be alone again!”

Shut up…

“don’t leave me again… please don’t abandon me…”

“Shut up!” She yelled out into the night, jerking herself upright. “Stop! Fucking! With! Me! Shut up! All of you, just Shut up!” In her rage, Asuka flung the bottle off somewhere into the distance, it’s loud thump, accompanied by the crumple of dried leaves added finality. She stared blindly into the dark for several moments, breathing heavily, before gathering herself up into a ball, hugging her legs to her chest. “ It’s gonna be alright…” she whispered to the darkness. “It’s gonna be okay…” She recited this new mantra, shivering in the darkness, until the chemicals claimed their hold on her consciousness.

It took an hour.

He was crying again. Noiseless tears, that fell from his eyes without any provocation. He tried to stop it before it starts, but you can only go so long before the brain demands thought. He needed this, he knew. Everyone needs time to mourn, to heal, to move past the shock, the sadness, and the guilt.

He knew he needed this because he had done this so many times before. In fact, he had done this for the majority of his still short life. Yes, Shinji Ikari has practically mastered the art of mourning. Sometimes, he wonders why he has yet to kill himself. Oh yea, he reminds himself, I tried. Right before I met… The tears continued with renewed vigor.

A soft knock at the door brought him out of his introspective. For a moment, Shinji swore he had imagined it. If not for the follow up knock, and the candle light shining through the cracks surrounding the door, he would’ve disregarded the intrusion. Yuriy… His mind told him. Probably brought the food…
Shinji cleared his throat, and started to speak, as the door cracked slightly open.

“I said I’m not hun…” A small face bathed in the candlelight appeared, carrying a modest looking tray. She mumbled a few words, that wouldn’t have been understood anyways.

“Who… are you?” Shinji asked the uncomprehending girl before him, as he stood, and limped his way over to her. She looked up at him, and said something quick he didn’t quite catch, before handing him the tray, which he took without question. Having relieved herself of her burden, and her curiosity successfully quelled, Svetlana flashed an infectious smile, one that was halfheartedly returned, and left the room.

The click of the door sounded, and the weight in his hands registered finally to his numbed senses. Shinji blinked twice, and turned back towards his chair. He sat heavily in the seat, stomach finally advertising its emptiness. a child…


Jesus, this place is a mess… Yuriy though, as he dug through the unorganized garbage heap once recognizable as the master bedroom. His bedroom. The one place, or so he had previously thought, that he had complete, and total control over. He was lord, and master of all he surveyed… which up until this morning, had been cleaned, and organized to the standards impressed upon him all those years ago. He sighed. Damn you… damn you, and all your stubbornness, Asuka. It could have been… he paused, what… different? Stop fooling yourself, old man… you’re not twenty-five anymore. …or thirty.

“Fuck.”

“What‘s ‘fuck’?” came the innocently curious voice from the doorway

Fuck… Yuriy spun halfway around, to face his daughter, putting on a lopsided grin “Nothing little one…” he said, watching her reaction. She seemed to buy it… almost. She opened her mouth. “Don’t repeat it though. It’s…” It’s fuck, his mind told him, with a subconscious laugh, or has it been so long that you‘ve already forgotten? “Just don’t say it again, honey.” he finished with a smile, proud of himself.

“But… I though you-”

“Svetlana.” he said quickly in his best ‘stern warning’ voice. Needless to say, she let it slide. For now, anyways. The moment passed, and he turned back towards the heap. “So, what do you think?”

“It’s a mess.” Yuriy laughed through his nose, sending a sidelong glance over his shoulder.

“Yes, it certainly is… but I was talking about our new houseguest.”

“Oh…” she said, looking down in contemplation. “ He seems… sad.” Yuriy grunted softly. “but nice… even though he talks funny.”

“yeah…” “HeJapanese, by the way.”

“Oh… can you speak it?”

“Yes… No. Well sort of, but not very well.” he said, absently kicking at a sock. “I’m working on it though.”

“Can I learn?”

“Of course, little one.”

Dawn. Beautiful, despite it’s being marred by the trees. A pity, that its inherent beauty was lost on the shivering bundle of cloth, and flesh curled into itself on the damp ground. A late frost lingered a glassy white upon the dead leaves of the past fall, and held fast to the black fabric of the sleeping bag.

It had been a cold night.

And up until several hours ago, she hadn’t cared. She had been peacefully ignorant, basking in the chemically induced bliss of a drug addled, and dreamless sleep. That is, of course, until the frost, and a need to relieve her bladder heralded in the start of another nightmare. And so she suffered. Again. The cold was one thing, but the voices… Asuka could have sworn she felt something… change. Almost like a light switch, a soft mechanical click, in her head. She imagined it to be her sanity. Again.

The feeling was a little disconcerting, and for long minutes she had laid still in the freezing silence, questioning her grip on reality. The rest of time was spent replaying, rehashing the past. Most memories, and events were recent… some not.

But now, the sun is up, a new day has finally begun, and she has a long way to go. Shivering, and jerking, Asuka forces herself up, and out of the only warm, and comfortable place she had left. Exposed, the air bit, and her breath misted. This… she mentally told herself, this is my reality. She couldn’t prevent her breath from catching; This is my life. She packed. Again.

Breaching the tree line, and upon reaching the road, Asuka couldn’t help but look back east, and for one fleeting moment, thought she could go back, and start over. A nice dream… she thought, but it’s too early to cry.

Asuka turned, and walked away from the sun.



A/N: Not what you expected, eh? Well I’m not going for cliché, besides I’ll have many more opportunities to be cheesy. Yes, you read it right, there’s more.

Well hello once again, (finally) and thanks for reading! I feel obligated to explain my extended leave, and no it was not intended. I last updated sometime in May (the 13th if I remember correctly), and decided to take a break. So for a week and a half, or so, I read, watched movies, read reviews, etc, etc…
Then I wrote this chapter, well… not the one you just read, anyways. The day I planned to update TWOiT, I plugged my laptop into an ungrounded power outlet (unbeknownst to me, I assure you) and fried not only my power adapter, but an obscure, apparently vital, component to windows. Thus my laptop ceased to function in early June. So I lost all my notes, and, well, everything… suddenly, I had to go by memory, or tried to, I should say, and well… it… took awhile. My sincerest apologies, I did what I could. Thanks again for reading, and reviewing if it applies.

-Rob