Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Bad Anime ❯ Tentacles and Tribulations ( Chapter 3 )

Beherit's Battle Armor, Advanced Locomotion (BAAL), a forward-swept wing plane that resembled a claymore, a Scottish great sword, rained 9M120 Vikhr antitank missiles on the Type 87 self-propelled antiaircraft guns (SPAAGs) defending the UN base; the SPAAGs transformed into fireballs. BAAL transformed into a 29.8-meter-tall demon-- the forward fuselage split to form legs, arms extended from the sides, the wings and turborockets remained parallel to the ground as the rear fuselage-turned-torso folded 150 degrees down and rearwards, and a head extended. The demon drew its 125 mm cannon/Devil Sword combination weapon; flames enveloped the blade as Beherit's pyrokinetic powers were conducted through the weapon, while the laser sight projected a red dot on the hangar roof. "Attack!"

Polyphemus 01 led Polyphemus drones, distinguished from him by their lack of the antennas crowning their commander's head, out of the Antonov An-72 transport plane flying over the UN base. Parachutes and leg-mounted booster rockets slowed their descent towards the hangar.

Aizhan transformed. "Ah-wooooo!" The werewolf's VR visor displayed the robots in red, distinguishing them from friendly forces. She jumped into the air and slashed. Polyphemus 01 caught her chainsword, which began to cut into the robot's right hand. Aizhan aimed her M25 at Polyphemus 01's chest. She squeezed the trigger as the robot threw her towards the runway; the high explosive airbursting grenade blew a hole in the robot's chest, but missed Polyphemus 01's thermonuclear fusion reactor.

Aizhan somersaulted in midair to land on her feet as the Polyphemus drones also began to land. She charged towards the robots, which aimed their MK47s at the werewolf; the gunpowder in the 40 x 53 mm casings ignited at a rate of 300 rounds per minute, propelling hundreds of smart grenades towards Aizhan. The werewolf sheathed her chainsword, tucked in her arms and legs, and rolled forwards as the smart grenades airburst behind her; she ignored the pain from the shrapnel piercing her skin, trusting in her regeneration abilities to prevent the injuries from becoming life threatening, and then launched herself towards the nearest robot.

Aizhan squeezed the trigger; the high explosive airbursting grenade blew the Polyphemus drone's head into the air. The robot used a backup camera in its chest to aim its MK47s at the werewolf. Aizhan drew her chainsword as she squeezed the trigger again; the second grenade hit the Polyphemus drone's reactor, transforming the robot into a fireball.

The werewolf charged towards the next nearest robot, dodging incoming grenades as she slashed. The chainsword cut through the Polyphemus drone's right elbow, its torso, and then its left elbow; the robot's head, chest, and upper arms fell onto the runway. The Polyphemus drone's elbows dug into the runway as it crawled towards Aizhan; its mouth opened to bite her left ankle. The werewolf slashed again, launching the robot's head into the air.

In the hangar, Sakura calmly put her hands on Nadeshiko's shoulders. The rest of the maintenance crew took cover behind toolboxes and packing crates, aiming their carbines at the robots approaching the hangar; infrared (IR) tabs on the women's uniforms made Aizhan's VR visor display them in blue, but the women still prayed that the werewolf wouldn't accidentally attack them. "Nadeshiko, you must pilot ULTRA Zero and defend the base; the enemy will kill everyone here if you don't."

"But..."

Sakura embraced her niece. "Do not be afraid. Trust in your training and your abilities."

Nadeshiko returned the embrace. "Aunt Sakura..." She looked up to meet Sakura's gaze. "I won't let the enemy hurt you." The girl climbed into the ULTRA cockpit, where Sugar was waiting. "ULTRA Zero, launch!" The pink robot marched to the hangar door.

Polyphemus 01 ordered the drones to split into two groups; group one engaged Aizhan and the rest of the UN base's defenders, while Polyphemus 01 lead group two towards the hangar. "Destroy the ULTRA." Polyphemus 01 and the drones rained smart grenades on ULTRA Zero; yellow gridlines appeared on the pink robot's armor as its structural integrity field resisted the blows.

ULTRA Zero drew its Psycho Sword, which burned white as Nadeshiko's psychokinetic powers were conducted through the blade. The pink robot slashed, sending a wave of energy towards the Polyphemus drones.

Polyphemus 01 jumped into the air, dodging the energy that blew the drones in half. The bisected drones continued to rain smart grenades on ULTRA Zero, but it was clear their weapons were unable to destroy the pink robot. ULTRA Zero fired its head-mounted M61A2 Gatling gun; the gunpowder in the 20 x 102 mm casings ignited at a rate of 6000 rounds per minute, propelling semi-armor piercing high explosive incendiary (SAPHEI) shells into the drones, shattering their bodies.

"Polyphemus 01, retreat," Beherit ordered. "I will deal with the ULTRA."

"Affirmative." Polyphemus 01 lead the surviving drones away from the hangar as BAAL landed in front of ULTRA Zero.

The demon aimed its weapon at the pink robot; the laser sight projected a red dot on ULTRA Zero's chest. "I send you on your journey... to Hell!" Clang! "Damn it!"

"Cut!" The director approached BAAL. "What the hell happened?"

Beherit turned on the loudspeakers. "My HUD," head-up display, "reads, '125 MM LOAD ERROR'." BAAL's maintenance crew, ten men of Middle Eastern descent, approached the demon as it removed the weapon's magazine. "What the...? Some idiot put in the 125 millimeter shells backwards!" BAAL pointed the Devil Sword at its maintenance crew. "Who's the armorer?" Fingers were pointed at a bearded man. BAAL's left foot rose and then came down upon the bearded man, crushing him. "If you make this mistake again, I will inflict upon you to such pain, such suffering, that hell will seem like paradise. Do you understand?"

A bulge appeared in the bearded man-turned-pancake as he inhaled. "Yes... Master..."

The executive approached the director. "How long will this delay filming?"

"It will take two to three hours for the maintenance crew to unload the magazine, inspect the shells to make sure they are not damaged-- I do not want the weapon to explode when I squeeze the trigger-- and reload the magazine," Beherit answered.

"Damn it!"

ULTRA One, which was in position to shoot BAAL in the back, landed. "What happened?" Johnny radioed.

"The armorer put in the 125 millimeter shells backwards," Beherit answered. "We cannot resume filming until the maintenance crew unloads the magazine, inspects the shells to make sure they are not damaged, and reloads the magazine."

Johnny knew how long this would take. "We might as well take a lunch break now. The good guys are going to Burgermeister," a fast food restaurant. "Wanna come?"

"Sure." BAAL marched into the hangar that Beherit intended to destroy; then the Red Legion leader exited the cockpit. The maintenance crew-- minus the armorer-- approached the demon and began to perform maintenance as the ULTRA One entered the hangar.

Beherit watched the beautiful young women approach the ULTRAs. "You get a maintenance crew composed of beautiful but competent young women. I get a maintenance crew composed of men so incompetent, their fuck up delays filming by two to four hours. It is not fair."

Johnny shrugged. "It's good to be one of the good guys." He led Beherit to the parking lot.

***

BAD ANIME CHAPTER 3: TENTACLES AND TRIBULATIONS

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007, last revised 2008. Special thanks to Pearson Mui.

***

The convoy drove towards Burgermeister.

Steve turned to Beherit, who sat next to him in Abe's car. "So you're the bad guy who's trying to take over the world?"

"Yes, although I consider that goal to be ludicrous."

"Hey, all the great villains want to take over the world. You got to aim high." Steve felt the car slow down. "What's up?"

Abe watched two bipedal tigers-- Johnny and Spice, their flight suits now colored to match ULTRA One's camouflage-- exit the F-150 Hybrid, pistols in their hands, and approach the high school the vehicles were parked in front of. "He's not gonna..." He watched tentacles, encircling three teenaged girls, appear over the walls surrounding the school. "Damn."

The warrant officer used his pistol-mounted camera to look through the school gates. "Howitzers."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid used her link to ULTRA One to turn on the loudspeakers. "Scramble, scramble, scramble," a warning that sent the maintenance crew running away from the robot; then Spice remotely piloted ULTRA One out of the hangar.

Johnny stepped in front of the gates. "Release the hostages!" The tentacle demon's eyes burned; the warrant officer instinctively ran sideways, dodging the beam of light reaching from the demon's eyes to scorch the ground where he once stood. Johnny put a saboted light armor penetrator (SLAP) in each of the demon's eyes, demonstrating superhuman skill.

"Shriek!" The tentacles slammed against the ground as the blinded demon tried to counterattack. Johnny holstered his right pistol, drew the GLOCK Survival Knife 81 from the sheath strapped to his boot, and slashed.

The severed tentacle released a girl. "What the hell are you doing?!" the girl demanded.

"Run away as fast as you can." Johnny somersaulted over a flailing tentacle, slashed again, and freed the second girl.

"Stop it!" the first girl shouted as she ran after Johnny; then a tentacle slammed against her belly, knocking her through the gates.

Spice pulled the girl behind the wall. "Are you injured?"

The girl pointed at the battle raging behind the wall. "You got to stop him! He's ruining everything!"

"We will."

The second and third girls followed Johnny behind a building. "You're not supposed to rescue us!" "Who the hell are you?!"

The warrant officer's arm reached out from behind cover to aim a pistol at the demon, designating him as a target. "Howitzers, fire on these coordinates."

"Roger," the golden-haired sexaroid replied. At the UN base, ULTRA One fired two M982 Excalibur trajectory correctable artillery shells.

"Reveal yourself!" the demon demanded as his tentacles reached for the walls. Global Positioning System (GPS) satellites guided the shells to the demon; the high explosives blew him to pieces, covering the building and the walls with purple ichor.

"Target neutralized," Johnny radioed to Spice.

A director and his assistant approached the warrant officer. "Do you realize what you've done?! Who the hell are you, anyways?!"

"One of the good guys."

"The script didn't have you blow up Adonis!"

Johnny frowned. "Script?"

"The script for 'Nymphomaniac High School', the OAV," original animation video, "we're filming!"

Sirens wailed. "I just called the police," the assistant reported, a cellular phone in his hand. "They'll deal with this guy."

*

Johnny sat in the interrogation room, facing a young policewoman with blood-red hair and dark eyes.

The policewoman held a card in her hand. "License to run rampant," which all Toons were required to carry, "number 18JUN1981?"

"Yes."

The policewoman wrote down the number. "Why did you intervene in the shooting?"

"I saw the schoolgirls being lifted into the air by the monster's tentacles; I thought they were in danger, and intervened to help them."

The policewoman continued to write. "What made you think they were in danger?"

"The tentacles were reaching under the girls' underwear. In the back of my helmet, you'll find a flash drive; it has a recording of the engagement."

"I'll ask Sergeant Mays to examine it," the policewoman said.

"You're not going to view the recording?"

"I have McKellan's Syndrome, which magnetizes the hemoglobin in my blood; electronics and I don't mix."

"Interesting."

The policewoman began to ask questions about how Johnny defeated the tentacle demon, and wrote down his answers. After 15 minutes, she rose to attention. "Thank you for your time, Mister Tsurugi. We may have further questions for you. Is there a number where you can be reached?"

"1-678-501-1991," Johnny answered as he rose to attention. "You served in the Army, right?"

"How can you tell?"

"Your bearing."

"I attended basic training, but was unable to graduate because my body..." The policewoman blushed. "Whenever I touched a rifle, the firing pin would be magnetically locked in place, and the rifle wouldn't fire; I even broke off the trigger on my M16."

"Is that why you wear daisho?" a set of long and short swords, which hung from a leather belt encircling the policewoman's waist.

"Yes."

"I'm sure you were a good soldier despite your condition."

The policewoman smiled. "Thank you, Mister Tsurugi."

The warrant officer extended his hand. "Call me Johnny."

The policewoman shook the warrant officer's hand. "I'm Anna."

*

The executive was fuming when the convoy returned to the UN base. "Mister Tsurugi, do you realize what you've done?" he demanded as the warrant officer exited the F-150 Hybrid.

"I acted to save the lives of three innocent women," Johnny answered.

"They're H-anime characters! Toon whores! They're not innocent!"

Steve approached the executive. "Can you hook me up with those H-anime characters?"

The executive frowned at the military advisor, as if the man had grown a second head. "You want to have sex with an H-anime character?"

"Just to see what it's like. It won't be fair if Johnny's the only guy to paint pipes," slang for relationships between humans and Toons.

Johnny frowned at Steve. "Explain."

"I saw the looks that cop was giving you. Admit it," the military advisor winked at the warrant officer, "you wanna paint her pipes."

"What about the lawsuit Pink Star," the company that created 'Nymphomaniac High School', "is filing?"

Aizhan held Raven's Kiss in front of the executive. "I will deal with Pink Star." She smiled as the chainsword shrieked.

"But..." The executive watched Aizhan enter her SUV, start the engine, and drive away. "Damn Toons!" He stomped away from the hangar.

30 minutes later, the XYZ Animation executive received a telephone call from a Pink Star executive, announcing that the company was withdrawing the lawsuit; he could hear the fear in the other executive's voice. "I guess they're good for something after all."

***

ULTRA One led ULTRA Zero towards Peacekeeper One, an airborne command post based on the X-6 nuclear-powered bomber, whose bomb bay doors opened to lower mechanical arms; a hook extended from the back of the Carnotaurus to lock onto one of the arms. "Just keep the white bar in the middle," Johnny radioed.

Nadeshiko looked up to see a white bar between two red arrows, designed to help the pilot orient herself as ULTRA Zero prepared to dock with Peacekeeper One. "Okay." She gently pulled the right joystick, guiding the pink rocket plane towards the mechanical arm. Click! The arm pulled ULTRA Zero into the bomb bay; then the doors closed.

Nadeshiko and Sugar exited the cockpit and climbed onto a catwalk, where Johnny and Spice were standing. The girl bowed to the warrant officer. "Thank you for saving my life."

"It was my duty." The warrant officer pointed at a door. "Let's go meet the rest of the crew." He led the girl and the sexaroids through the door, to the Combat Information Center (CIC). Johnny marched towards Abe and saluted.

"At ease." The black man examined Nadeshiko. "So this little girl is the pilot of the big bad ULTRA Zero."

The girl saluted. "Yes, Sir. Second Lieutenant Yamato Nadeshiko, reporting for duty."

"At ease." Abe turned to Linda. "They're getting younger and younger."

"Such a cute little girl!" Linda embraced Nadeshiko, pressing the girl's face against her large breasts.

"Oomph!" Then Nadeshiko was released from Linda's embrace.

"Now the ground rules," Abe said. "You may outrank Mister Tsurugi, but a few years of college don't make you a good leader."

"But I'm still a middle school student," the girl admitted.

Abe frowned. "Whatever; Mister Tsurugi has more combat experience, so he'll be in charge of the missions, after Colonel Love and I."

"Yes, Sir." Then Nadeshiko saw another door open. "Father!" She bowed.

"Cut!" The director stepped in front of the cameras. "What the hell are you doing here, General Yamato? You're not in this scene."

"As the hero's," Isamu glanced at his son-turned-daughter, "heroine's father, I am vital to the development of her character."

"But not now. Get out of the CIC," the director ordered.

Isamu drew a GLOCK 17 semiautomatic pistol and aimed it at the director. "I am vital..." A boot flashed in front of Isamu, kicking the pistol out of his hands; then he felt a knifepoint at the base of his skull, ready to sever his spinal cord. "Gasp!"

"Father!" Nadeshiko put her hands together, as if she was praying, and turned to the man with the knife. "Please don't hurt my father, Mister Tsurugi!"

Isamu frowned at his son-turned-daughter. "You beg for mercy in this situation, when a filial child is supposed to fight for her father's sake? You are useless."

Nadeshiko began to cry. "Father..."

"Put him in the locker room," Abe ordered. "That'll keep him out of trouble."

"Hands where I can see them," Johnny used the knife to make Isamu comply, "now." He pushed the other man through the door, to a locker room between the CIC and the bomb bays; then he opened a locker. "Get in."

"How dare you? I am a general!" Isamu was pushed into the locker; then the door was slammed in his face.

"You're not in my chain of command," Johnny stated as he exited the room.

*

Nadeshiko released her father 20 minutes later. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you earlier, but the director ordered me to complete the scene." Isamu's right hand flashed in front of her. "Ite!" The girl's left cheek stun from the slap.

Sugar drew Sakai Saburo and pointed the sword at Isamu's heart. "You will apologize for hurting my mistress," the silver-haired sexaroid demanded.

"Please don't hurt my father, Miss Sugar!"

The silver-haired sexaroid turned to her mistress. "He must apologize for hurting you."

Nadeshiko turned to her father, and then Sugar. The girl's mouth opened; she tried and failed to think of something to say, and closed her mouth.

"I... am sorry." It was almost painful for Isamu to say those words, but the silver-haired sexaroid sheathed her sword. The man glared at his daughter. 'Useless girl.' He stomped out of the locker room.

Nadeshiko sat on a bench and put her hands over her face; tears flowed between her fingers. "I don't know what to do!"

"Take off your clothes," Sugar ordered.

The girl looked up to see the silver-haired sexaroid strip down to her underwear. "Ehhhh?!"

"You are suffering from high levels of stress. I will have sex with you to relieve your stress. Take off your clothes."

"But..." Nadeshiko felt Sugar's lips upon her own; as the silver-haired sexaroid's tongue caressed the girl's, Nadeshiko noted that Sugar's synthetic saliva tasted like mouthwash. "Gasp!" She felt gentle fingers unzip her flight suit. "Sugar, wait, I'm not..." The fingers reached under her brassiere. "Kyaaaa!"

Hidden cameras and microphones were recording this unscripted scene. "We must include this in the next episode!" the director exclaimed as the silver-haired sexaroid's lips crept down the girl's neck.

"Yes, Mister Director!"

*

Balthild entered the break room to see a Nadeshiko nervously raise a cup of green tea to her lips. "Are you well?"

The cup fell onto the floor, spilling the tea. "Kyaaaa!"

The dhampire slowly raised her hands. "Do not be afraid. I will not hurt you."

"I'm sorry, Princess, I..." The girl began to cry. "I don't know what to do!"

Balthild sat down beside Nadeshiko. "What is ailing you?"

"Father... he slapped me... said I was useless. Sugar... she made Father apologize... made Father angry... then she tried to have sex with me."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"No!" The girl's face was as red as a cherry. "I pushed her away and said I wasn't ready."

"Sugar's character biography states that she is programmed to serve and protect you at all costs; she is ready to die for you. You should not refuse the love of one so loyal."

"Miss Sugar... loves me?"

"She will love you if you order her to do so," Balthild stated.

"But that's not real love!" Nadeshiko protested.

"Who on Earth is able to define what love is? It is a mystery that countless poets have spent countless years trying to solve, to no avail. If you need love, why not accept the love of a sexaroid?"

The girl's head bowed in shame. "I should apologize to Miss Sugar for... pushing her away."

The dhampire smiled. "Excellent. You and Sugar will be welcome additions to my harem."

"Ehhhh?!"

*

Nadeshiko reluctantly opened the dojo door to see Sugar spar with Aizhan. "Miss Sugar."

The silver-haired sexaroid lowered her shinai and bowed to the tsundere girl. "Please wait for a moment; my mistress needs me."

Aizhan lowered her shinai. "Fine."

Sugar turned around and approached Nadeshiko. "How may I serve you, Mistress Nadeshiko?"

The 14-year-old bowed. "I'm sorry I pushed you away."

Sugar returned the bow. "It was my miscalculation which provoked that reaction; I should be the one who apologizes to you."

The 14-year-old continued to bow. "No, you were only trying to help."

Sugar put her hands on Nadeshiko's shoulders and pushed her upright. "I am programmed to help you in any way possible. Please allow me to do so."

"Yes, you can help me, but..." The 14-year-old blushed. "You don't have to... be intimate... with me."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Nadeshiko turned to see Aizhan shake with laughter. "Miss Aizhan..."

"Sugar's idea on how to relieve your stress... Ha! It's too funny!" the tsundere girl exclaimed.

The 14-year-old's face was as red as a cherry. "You know?!"

"I requested Feldwebel Skorzeny's assistance in evaluating my performance, and advice on how to improve it," Sugar stated, referring to Aizhan's rank in the German Army.

Nadeshiko turned to Sugar. "You..."

"I also requested the maintenance crew's assistance and advice," the silver-haired sexaroid reported.

The 14-year-old's face seemed to glow like a brake light. "You told everyone about..."

"I only requested the female cast members' assistance and advice. Should I request the male...?" Sugar watched Nadeshiko fall backwards, and stepped forward to catch her fainting mistress.

***

Steve entered the pistol range to see Johnny, Linda, and Beherit firing at targets. "Yo, Johnny."

The warrant officer holstered his pistols and turned to the military advisor. "Yes, Steve?"

"Is it true they're putting in a lesbian sex scene?"

"I was unaware that the scriptwriter intended to include a lesbian sex scene," Johnny stated.

"Well, I overheard the maintenance crew talking about something between Miss Yamato and her sexaroid."

The warrant officer shrugged. "For me, 'don't ask, don't tell,'" of a US military service members' sexual orientation, "means 'don't give a damn.'"

"You really don't care if you're in a foxhole with a guy who wants to fuck you in the ass?"

"If he tries to fuck with me, I'll send a bullet into his eye."

"So you're not going to do that... yaoi... thing?" The military advisor referred to sexually explicit relationships between male characters.

"No. In fact, I invited Anna-- Police Sergeant Anna Mason-- to lunch."

"You're gonna paint her pipes?" Steve winked at Johnny. "Good job."

*

"What are your hobbies?" Anna asked.

Johnny swallowed a mouthful of cheeseburger. "Hiking, hunting, piano playing."

"You play the piano?"

"According to my character bio, my mother was a piano teacher."

"When can I meet her?"

"She doesn't appear in 'Frozen Ragnarök', although she may appear in the sequel; she isn't born yet," the warrant officer stated.

"That's strange; a mother who will be born after her son."

The warrant officer took another bite, and washed it down with some Whoopass Cola. "I'm a Toon; I must follow the script."

"The way we humans must follow fate?"

"I'm surprised you believe in fate."

"Why?"

"You seem very strong-willed; such people usually try to make their own fate."

The policewoman put her hand over her heart. "My strength is in God's hands, which forged me to be His sword, and which wield me in battle against evil."

Johnny looked into his date's eyes. "None of the bad guys have your determination. You're an interesting person, Anna."

The policewoman smiled. "Thank you."

*

Steve was surprised to see the F-150 Hybrid drive up to the hangar. "You're on time."

"Yes," Johnny stated as he exited the truck.

"Why didn't you extend your lunch break and go paint that cop's pipes?"

"It wouldn't be fair to delay filming for my own pleasure." The warrant officer marched into the hangar, followed by the military advisor.

"You got to have some fun, or potential recruits will think Army life's no fun, and won't enlist."

"I will." Johnny watched the maintenance crew mount AIM-120 Advanced Medium-Range Air-to-Air Missiles (AMRAAMs) into weapons bays on ULTRA One's hips-- in cruise mode, the missile launchers laid flush upon the Carnotaurus' belly-- and behind ULTRA Zero's shoulders. "Is ULTRA One ready?"

"Yes, Sir," Lara answered.

Johnny jumped into the cockpit, where Spice waited. "Let's get to work."

***

To be continued...