Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ The Striplings ❯ When the Honeymoon's Over? ( Chapter 10 )

May 7: I'm very sorry it took so long. I really hope I don't have any more trouble finding time to write. Also I had no idea what to call this chapter, so I just put the first thing that popped into my head.

 

Chapter 10

When the honeymoons over?

 

1

 

 

Every step that brought me closer to Essie sent shocks through me. Essie and I were going to be together and Mitch wouldn't hate me. We could go out like a real couple and never have to sneak around again. I could kiss her at school or hold her hand, something I would never take for granted again.

 

When I got to her house, she was just pulling up. She heard my door slam and turned to me, looking shocked. I went straight for her lips, not giving her a chance to ask questions. The pressure from my hips pushed her against the car and she was locked in between. Finally I broke away, just holding her face in my hands. Now she was mine in every way. All the feelings I'd pretended didn't really exist came erupting out of me.

 

“Let's go somewhere, do something, anything.”

 

“What about Mitch?”

 

“He doesn't care.”

 

“He doesn't care?” It was more of a question than anything else.

 

“No. You were right. He hates you so much he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. The best part is,” I paused to kiss her again. “he's not making me choose between you. I can have you and he won't hate me.” I'd never been so excited about anything before. I was torn between taking her inside or showing her off as mine in a public place. Just when I was going to suggest we go in, she caught up with me.

 

“How about a movie? How great would it be for us to just see a movie?” I agreed and we left, taking my car.

 

There were a few people that we knew at the theater, who all gave us long looks. But we didn't care. I never let go of her, even when I ordered tickets and got us drinks. Focusing on the movie was an afterthought to the actual act of going. We didn't watch anything, but each other. We were like jr. high kids who make out in the back row. Except we bordering on a lot more than making out. It felt so great to be here with her, all my mind could think about was how much I loved her. Finally it was okay to think it, to feel it, even to say it.

 

We were in one of those moments where your head is barely thinking at all. Pure emotion was everywhere in me when I said, “I love you Essie.” She broke away from me, staring right into my eyes. Maybe she thought I was lying to her, but I'm not sure what the point of that would be for me.

 

“Do you really?”

 

“I wouldn't say it Essie, unless I meant it.”

 

“But you dated Stacy.” This wasn't the direction I was expecting, but we had to have this conversation.

 

“Let's go. We'll talk in the car.” Once we were safely on our way to her house, I tried to explain to her.

 

“I know I dated Stacy. It had nothing to do with us. She was just there and. .”

 

“willing and easy. I've heard that before. It's not just that Kevin. I saw you with her. When you started dating her, I thought I was going crazy. If we'd just broken up, then maybe I could have just dealt with it. But then you started seeing her after I told you how much it would hurt me. Why would you do that if you loved me?”

 

“Is that why you decided to go back with Mitch?”

 

“Answer me first.” Our chemistry was now the complete opposite of what it had been in the theater. Maybe we should have stayed there.

 

“Fine. I didn't know how I felt about you Essie. At first I knew that I cared about you, but the main thing I wanted was to sleep with you. Now I know it's more and that it has been since we started this, maybe sooner.” She sat back in her seat, pouting. What did she want me to say? “Essie, what's wrong?” She didn't answer me. I guess this is the silent treatment. We'd lasted ninety minutes as a real couple.

 

I let her be until we reached the house. As soon as we were inside and I had full access to her I'd get her talking. But when we got there, a completely unexpected pairing was waiting for us. Just as we turned the corner, Troy grabbed someone and pinned them against a car. The car looked like Porter's. Once we were closer I could see Porter, Troy, and the guy with his face in the car, Jose Reya. By the time we pulled up, Troy was using his entire body to hold Jose in place. I couldn't believe Troy could do that. Jose was a bad ass wrestler who definitely outweighed him. I ran over to them, leaving Essie behind. But I was too late for the action. Jose was leaving on his own.

 

We all walked in together, but Essie and I didn't linger with them. We had our own matters to discuss and it seemed like whatever was going on outside was not going to be explained to us.

 

“Will you please tell me what you want me to say?” We were safely in her room, free to talk again.

 

“I want to know why you love me Kevin. It feels like you're just overwhelmed and saying without really knowing why.” I sat down, letting her name run through my head. At first there was sex, what I had always associated her with. But then other things came to me. So I just started saying them.

 

“You lied to Mitch, all the time about your grades. When he did bad, you said you did too. You went out of your way to make sure he didn't feel bad about himself. When my mom got that really bad haircut, and Mitch, my dad, and me spent the whole day laughing at her, you told her she looked like a movie star with a really trendy style. My mother lit up and ignored everything else we said. Two summers ago when I got the third strike and ended the game, you said the best players strike out, and that this game wouldn't matter when I got to high school and played varsity.” Her face softened and I could see I was getting through to her. “Do you want me to go on, because I've got three years worth of these memories to pick from?”

 

“What if I'm not that person anymore? Look what I did to get you back. When I found out about you and Stacy, I started thinking of ways to get you back. And I knew that if I dated someone else, you would just ignore it. But if I dated Mitch, you couldn't ignore it.”

 

“Essie it's okay. I don't care that you lied to him, because it got us back together.”

 

“You don't know what I had to do for him to take me back. What he wanted. The weekend before Christmas we spent the night together. We did so many things. The whole time I just thought about you, but I hated myself for it.” She was still talking, but I stopped listening. All my energy was going towards keeping a clear head. I hadn't imagined she had time to sleep with him, let alone do other things in the few days they were back together. It was harder than I thought to listen to her. Anyone else would probably leave. “Kevin. Kevin will you please say something.”

 

“Did you love him Essie?”

 

“I thought I did. After being together so long, I should have right?”

 

“Did you love him?” I said it again because I wanted a straight answer.

 

“No.”

 

“And me?”

 

“I love you. Loving you is how I realized I never loved him.” She sniffled a little and turned away from me. “He hates me now. All I wanted was you and I hurt him so much to get it. How can you even want to be with me?”

 

“Don't do that Essie. I see where you're going and we are not doing that. Stop crying, stop feeling guilty. We both wanted to be together and we both did stupid, hurtful things to other people to get it. So now we have what we want and we're going to make it work.” Essie was strong, despite her soft exterior. She'd lived with a mother who never loved anything more than herself and a father who barely made it through each day. All she'd had was her brother and his world was clearly revolving around someone else now. Maybe she wasn't strong enough to make it through this while keeping the person I loved intact. That's why she needed to get up right now and show me she could be strong. Because if she couldn't be the person I loved, then I would never be strong enough to withstand the consequences loving her had in store for me.

 

2

 

The next day, I crept into the basement. I was sure Mitch would not be covering for me anymore. Mitch wasn't there, which was a huge relief. The first thing I did was take a shower. As much as I wanted to keep her scent on me, I needed to relax more. Hot showers were good for relaxing. We had our own bathroom downstairs, so it was easy for me to wander to my room in just a towel. Seeing Chase sitting on my bed wasn't as much of a shock as it should have been. For some reason his appearance was reassuring for me.

 

“What's the deal with you and Essie?” I shifted through my dresser, grabbing a few things. Chase turned away a little to let me dress.

 

“We're official now. Mitch and I talked about it.”

 

“He's okay with it?”

 

“He says he is.”

 

“You know he's not Kevin. Mitch loves hers and there's no way he'd just give her up to you.”

 

“Well he pretty much hates her after he found out she was only back with him to get at me.”

 

“Doesn't it make you a little nervous that she did that? I mean she's willing to stoop pretty low.” Instead of worrying me, the thought of what she did made me smile. “You get off on the fact she did it, don't you?”

 

“Hey, we can't all be with pure, innocent girls like Rose. But seriously, I know that you're with Rose and Rose is really good friends with Stacy, but I'm with Essie for good now. And I really hope we can all hang out.” Chase wasn't responding, so I turned to check out his expression. Something had changed.

 

“What?”

 

“Rose is not innocent and pure anymore.” He wasn't lying. He was being absolutely honest. Chase had de-virginized Rose Ortega. Rose, a goddess, had let Chase have sex with her. Rose was the most beautiful girl in school and now she was sleeping with my best friend.

 

“How did you talk her into it?” I spoke with awe in my voice for this was something be in awe of.

 

“She wanted to. She wanted to, with me.”

 

“Did she freak out afterwards?”

 

“No. She loved it. I'm not lying. I thought she was going to start crying or something, but instead she wanted to do it again.”

 

“All right, that's enough. You've done a great job making me jealous, because I definitely am. But you need to go because I need to get some sleep.”

 

“Hey man, don't say anything okay. She doesn't want people to know.”

 

“You mean she doesn't want Jose to know?”

 

“Not just Jose. Look it's complicated and I had to beg her to let me tell you. So just don't tell anyone.”

 

“All right, see ya.” I waited for the sound of my door to creak shut, but it didn't.

 

“Hey, I was listening, and Rose won't mind hanging out with Essie. Rose is too sweet to hold anything against her.” Chase left and I had about ten minutes to myself before my parents came down to my room. I could hear the clomping of two sets of feet on the stairs and then shuffling outside my room. Knock. Knock.

 

“Come in.” Neither of them looked well as they stared down at me from the other side of the room. By now I was laying in bed, attempting sleep.

 

“What's going on with you and your brother?” My father was obviously going to be the one doing the talking here. There was no point lying to them if I wanted Essie to be part of this life too.

 

“Essie and I want to start dating. Mitch said it was okay.”

 

“We thought Mitch just got back together with Essie.”

 

“It's complicated.”

 

“It must be if you're willing to choose a girl over your own brother.” My father wasn't looking happy at all.

 

“I'm not choosing anything. Mitch said I could date her and it wouldn't change anything between us.”

 

“I don't care what he said, it has changed things.”

 

“Unless Mitch asks me, I won't stop seeing her.” My mother looked sheepish in the corner. She'd always liked Essie. Now she was wondering what kind of girl she really was. “What do you guys want from me? Why are you down here telling me who I'm allowed to be in love with?”

 

“Kevin you don't love her.” Finally my mother was joining the conversation.

 

“Yes I do mom.”

 

“You're just feeling. . .”

“You have no idea what I'm feeling. What I'm feeling is unbelievable and I already said I wasn't breaking up with her. So please just let this go.”

 

“You're brother's upset.”

 

“He'll get over her.”

 

“I wasn't talking about her.” Had I really hurt him so much? Did he think I didn't love him or care? He's the one who said he knew I'd choose him if he asked me too. I wasn't getting sucked in to this.

 

“You told me your opinion, but now can you please let me make my own decisions.” They both gave that long `parent stare', but then they left. I felt proud of myself that I hadn't let them sway me at all. It must mean that I did love her.

 

3

 

One of the biggest consequences of tying yourself to a guy for your first three years of high school, is that you have absolutely no real friends. In the last three and a half years, I'd attended maybe five sleepovers and none of them at my house. Most of that was due to everyone's parents knowing about my mom. Of course there were the girls that I'd hung around with at parties or other girls involved with the basketball team like me.

 

But now I was really wishing I had someone of the female sex that was loyal to me. Because every girl I had called my friend was shunning me for two reasons. Reason number one was the obvious. I'd acted like a tramp and seduced my boyfriend's brother. Reason number two was because I'd acted like a tramp and seduced one of the most attractive guys in school. Kevin Bailey was now officially off the market, and that definitely put a damper in many ladies parades.

 

It had been nearly a month and no one was really speaking to me yet. Well, not everyone is a total monster. A few girls spoke to me, the nice ones at least. But still, I'd been a really nice person to every one of those girls. Now I'm suddenly the enemy. Suddenly making sure I was being a nice person wasn't very high on my list of priorities. It's a good thing Troy and I had changed our schedules or else I would really be alone. On the other hand, changing our schedules had definitely had one terrible consequence. One that I had to suffer through day after day. I can still remember the first day of the new semester.

 

Kevin and I walked to first period together because we now had this class in common. Waiting for us was an interesting trio. Rose Ortega, Chase Dylan, and Stacy Moore. Apparently, Rose and Chase already had first hour together and chose this class as a replacement to the first semester. Stacy must have been brought in through Rose. However it happened, I was definitely pissed. So each day I now get the pleasure of watching my boyfriend with the girl he used to replace me. Great!

 

So we were a month into our class, Introduction to Health Occupations, and it was time to start our rounds at the hospital. We would observe different jobs in the health field throughout the rest of the semester. The class was too big for all of us to go on the same day of the week, so we were broken into two groups. Rose and Kevin were in one group, while Chase, Stacy, and myself were in the other. This was not worst case scenario. But I really didn't want Kevin around Rose, especially without me. Not that Rose would ever give him the time of day, but it's still embarrassing the way he drools over her. He doesn't think I notice, but I do, every time. Eventually I'd bring it up, but now wasn't the time to stir the pot. He'd had enough issues to handle already with our relationship.

 

Troy and I were gearing up for another visit to see mom. Kevin offered to come, which I was relieved he did. Troy asked Porter, but Porter made it pretty clear that was something he really wasn't ready for. Once again, I do not understand what my brother sees in him. He's such an ass.

 

The woman at reception was her usual unhappy self, but made an effort to sound chipper as she made small talk about our mother getting out soon. When the lady finished, we sat down and waited to be called.

 

“Did you know mom was getting out soon?” I didn't want to be the only jerk in the bunch who had no idea.

 

“No. She hasn't mentioned it.”

 

“What are we going to do with her?”

 

“Bring her home obviously.”

 

“We've been over this before. You know what she'll do. She's going to sit around all day, go out all night while dad's at work. And before you know it, the electricity and water are getting shut off and we're shipped to grandma and grandpa's.”

 

“We're a little too old for that.” Troy didn't have to smile for me to know he thought I was being dramatic. Kevin let out a sound that earned the death stare from me. Even the two of them being friends was bothering me. Everything was just pissing me off all the time and now the thought of mom coming home was going to send me over the edge.

 

“I'm serious.” Take deep breaths I told myself.

 

“Just don't get ahead of yourself. Let's talk to her and take it from there.” I nodded. I could do that. Talking was good. Kevin stayed in the waiting area as we went in. He knew this would be a family discussion.

 

My mother looked terrible, as always. Every time I saw her I would think about memories from my early childhood. She was never beautiful, but she was a woman. A woman who could make a man think she was beautiful just by the way she held herself and wore her clothes. Now she wasn't even forty, but looked to be in her fifties. The familiar pit in my stomach was surfacing. She smiled at us as we sat down.

 

“You two look good, especially you Troy. Where's that boy you usually bring Essie?”

 

“He couldn't come. So mom, are you getting out soon?”

 

“Yeah, I sure am. I can't wait to be home again.”

 

“Have you thought about what you're going to do? Do they set you up with a job?”

 

“Essie why do you always have to get an attitude with me? You're always pushing me. I'm still your mother and that means you owe me.” Oh my god. I looked at Troy. He knew what was brewing in me. I was the one who'd been coming here for months to see her. Always with a smile and kinds words. That was my life story, always looking out for other people's feelings, especially hers. How many years had I walked on eggshells around her? Afraid she would relapse if I said something hurtful. How many nights did I cry myself to sleep because I had to live knowing my mother didn't really love me? Better yet, how many times did I wake up screaming because of the nightmares she'd caused me? The burn under my skin started slow, but suddenly doubled and doubled until every inch of my skin was stinging.

 

“I don't owe you anything! Do you think I want to come here and see you? I hate seeing you, it makes me sick. All you do is hurt me, that's all you ever do.”

 

“Essie stop it. Mom she doesn't mean that. We know you're clean and you're going to come home and do things right. Right?”

 

“Of course I am Troy. I've learned my lesson and I promise you both no more. I know I hurt you Essie, but that was all the drugs. I'm past all that.”

 

“Good mom, cause we want you to come home.” What was this we? I didn't want her to come home.

 

“No. I don't want you to come home. Come back to Creston Hills, but don't live with us. Honestly, I don't think you'll ever change. And I don't want to deal with you and your drugs. The Bailey's already know about you and they'll never let Kevin come over if they know you're staying with us.

 

“What do you mean the Baileys? I thought you weren't dating Mitch anymore?” Surprise surprise, my mother had actually been paying attention to my last relationship.

 

“I'm not. I'm dating his brother, Kevin.”

 

“What's wrong with you Essie? Didn't I tell you never to date brothers?” She laughed a little and turned to Troy as if her comment would be meaningless to me. Troy knew better.

 

“Mom, you really shouldn't judge Essie. . .”

 

“Why, she's always judging me. She doesn't think I'll stay clean or get a job. Why can't you just support me Essie?”

 

“Because I'm tired of having my heart broken every time you let me down.” I was done dealing with her. Kevin was waiting in the same spot we'd left him. As we walked out to the car, I relayed the story to him. He held me in the back of my car while we waited for him.

 

“Do you ever have nightmares Kevin?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“What are they about?”

 

“I don't know. Sometimes movies or ghosts I guess, sometimes death.”

 

“In my nightmares, my mother is holding me down and trying to inject drugs into me. I'm so terrified of becoming her, of the drug itself. There are others, but those are the worst.” Kevin didn't say anything. But what could he. No one ever knows what to say when it comes to something like drugs. It's almost like when a person dies. What can you possibly say to make the widowed feel better? There wasn't anything anyone could ever say to make my nightmares go away or to seal of the gash my mother left in my heart years ago.

 

Troy was silent when he did finally show up. He didn't try to talk to me about her or what happened after I left. Troy knew me better than anyone and he knew the best bet was to give me some time. But I wasn't budging. My mother would not come back to my house and ruin my life anymore than she'd already done.

 

4

It was late February and the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance. I'd agreed to double with Chase and Rose, but now that I saw Rose I was regretting it. She really did look good in anything. I was tall, thin, and plain. Standing next to Rose just made it all the worse. Rose was a bit shorter than me, but curvy with the most sculpted facial features. How could I blame Kevin for wanting her? The night hadn't even started and I was already falling into my now familiar dark place. The place where thoughts about my mother's addiction and my insecurities about my relationship with Kevin lived.

Porter and Troy were sitting on the couch while the rest of us stood around, waiting for it to be time to go. Chase and Rose didn't know about Porter and Troy, which resulted in a bit of an uncomfortable atmosphere when Chase started asking questions.

“Why aren't you guys going to the dance?”

“A girl has to ask. No one asked.” Troy didn't seem to like Chase very much and let that be clear in his tone. It was funny how his voice always stayed steady, but you could still hear the mood in his words. Porter didn't add anything to that. In fact, he was concentrating very hard on ignoring Chase altogether. Porter and I had been living on neutral ground for the sake of Troy. Neither of us liked the other, but we put on a happy face when Troy was around.

“Do you always let Troy answer for you Porter?” I'm pretty sure four heartbeats stopped in that moment as we all tried to read between the lines. Logic was telling me that there was no way Chase would have the faintest clue about them. So this must just be a dumb guy thing. Porter hadn't said anything and Troy was working to keep a cool face. “Maybe if you guys weren't together all the time, a girl might have asked you.” Now we were experiencing a moment of silence. Rose was quiet because Chase was talking. Chase was waiting for an answer. And the four of us were trying to figure out what to say to make this situation go away.

“I guess no one really measures up when you compare them to Anna. Except maybe Rose, but she's already taken right?” Porter spoke up and answered both of Chase's questions in an intelligent, witty way. Halleluiah, my brother had not completely lost his mind by attaching himself to Porter. There was something underneath the shithead exterior.

“Yeah, she's taken.” Chase and Porter were locked for just a moment in a stare. Kevin said something about the time and the three of them left. I stayed behind to talk to Porter and Troy. As soon as I heard the car doors shut, I knew it was safe to speak.

“What the hell was that? What are you guys doing in school to make him say that?”

“Why are you worried about it Essie?” Porter was back to himself, but Troy didn't seem to notice.

“Essie, really don't worry about us. It's pretty obvious Chase already started partying. I doubt he would have said that sober.” They both stood up to head back to Troy's room.

“But he was still thinking it.” I could hear their steps halt, but neither of them spoke for a minute.

“We'll deal with it when we have to.” Porter sounded confident, but I wondered what he would do if and when others found out. Would he stand by Troy? I knew Troy would stay with Porter. I didn't think he would.

The ride to the dance had my stomach in knots for two reasons. I was still thinking about Chase's remarks and Kevin kept checking out Rose in his mirror. Rose and Chase were in the back, but Chase was pretty occupied with his flask and yelling out the window. Rose looked uncomfortable, but not anywhere near enough to speak up to him. I glanced back at her and smiled, but I was really checking her out for myself. The skirt of her dress settled about midway down her thighs, but in the right position I could see pretty far up. That must have been what Kevin was looking for.

Once we got to the dance, we split up. Chase dragged Rose off to dance and Kevin and I sat around. I didn't really have anyone to talk too, and Kevin was too jittery to do anything. Both of us perked up when Mitch came by with Lola. They didn't stop or look at us, but their chemistry was pretty obvious.

“Did you know he was seeing her?”

“Mitch and I don't talk about girls anymore.” Kevin hadn't known, that much was clear, but even more clear was how upset he was about it.

“Are you upset that you aren't as close?”

“Of course I am, but that isn't really what's bothering me.”

“Okay, what's bothering you?”

“Chase is just being such a jerk. He's getting drunk and parading Rose around like a prize.” My spine stiffened at his clear affection for Rose. I needed to stay calm or this could get ugly fast.

“Rose is letting him. If she didn't want to be paraded around, she'd tell him to stop.”

“Rose doesn't think like that. She's committed herself to Chase and she's going to do whatever he wants.”

“How committed could they really be? Last I heard? Rose planned on staying a virgin until she was married or at least engaged.”

“Who told you that?”

“I don't know. It was just something that went around when Jose was cheating on her with Mandy.”

“What's wrong with them?” You'd think they'd count their lucky stars to have her, but they all just screw it up. Now that Chase thinks she won't leave him, he's losing control.”

“Why wouldn't she leave him?” Kevin looked away, ignoring my question. “What are you not telling me?” Again he ignored me. “I'm going to the bathroom.” I headed outside and called Troy so he could bring my car up. If Kevin wanted to ignore me, I`d just make it easier.

“Porter didn't come?” I climbed in the passenger side. Most of the time Troy drove, even my car.

“It was obvious you were upset, so I wanted to get you alone.”

“Kevin's being. . .off. He's constantly staring at Rose, which actually is normal, but now he's concerned about her. He kept going on about how any guy would be lucky to have her.”

“Okay, I know he wouldn't say that.” I glared at him, hating that they were friends for the first time. If they weren't, Troy would be on my side.

“Not in so many words, but he did say something that was above and beyond a boyfriend's best friend. After a while he wasn't listening to me, so I left.”

“Sounds like the honeymoon's over.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“You know what that means. And running away when he isn't giving you all his attention is not the way to keep the relationship going.”

“I think he's realizing he could be doing much better than me.”

“If he is, and I have no idea, then he's not going after Rose.”

“Why is he so worried about her?”

“That's how he is. He's just a nurturer.” I gave him a look, but he ignored it. Sometimes my brother just knew things.

“Well he's my boyfriend and he shouldn't be nurturing anyone but me.”

“Essie he's not your husband. You can't have him all to yourself.” Troy pulled up on the street and we both got out and walked to the door. I sat down on the steps, while he went in. The last thing I wanted to listen to was Troy and Porter doing whatever the hell it is they do. Kevin pulled up a minute later.

“Troy sent me a text right before he picked you up. Why'd you leave?”

“You can't be with me and care about other girls. Especially girls you find so attractive you don't even try to hide the fact that you like them from me.” He took a step back and inhaled a deep breath. Right now he was stuck, because I was right.

“You're right. I'm sorry. It's just that Chase is slowly getting worse with things, which is crazy. I know how he feels about her, so I can't understand why he's risking their relationship.”

“You don't, huh? People like Chase and my mom will always care about one thing more than anything else.”

“Chase isn't your mom, at least not yet.”

“Fine, what about your thing for Rose.”

“What do you want me to say? She's gorgeous, but everyone thinks she is.”

“I want you to say it doesn't matter how gorgeous she is because you love me.”

“You already know that.”

“Do I?” He came and sat by me on the stairs, taking my hand.

“Mitch barely talks me, my parents are disappointed in me, and the only real friend I still have is Chase. Now listen to me. I don't regret anything. If I wanted things to go back to the way they were all I would have to do is break up with you, but I can't Essie. As long as you still want me I'll be here, wanting you.” Kevin had me. He had me believing every word he said. “But you can't keep pushing me away. Stop doing crazy things that you know are going to upset me.” I threw my arms around him, no longer able to be away.

“I'm sorry Kevin. Sometimes I forget just how much you had to give up for me. It just drives me crazy knowing that there are other girls just waiting for you to come to your senses and leave me. Rose may not be interested in you, but that doesn't mean you can go to pieces around her.” Kevin's hold was still tight, reassuring me. “And it really hurts me that you don't trust me. I know what's between Rose and Chase is none of my business, but I hate that you're keeping anything from me.” This was a power moment girls sometimes have when they need more than words to let them know they still had their guy. Now I had to wait for Kevin to realize he couldn't not tell me after everything he'd just said.

“Chase said their relationship has really changed lately. It's almost like she's become obedient. She doesn't question him about anything he does, especially the nights when she works. They don't argue because she doesn't disagree anymore. At least not out loud.”

“I noticed that earlier, but why is she acting like that?” He stared in my eyes for a long time before answering.

“He thinks that since they've had sex,” he paused, taking in the look of shock on my face. “That he has this new role of alpha male or something like that. That's what he calls it.”

“That's twisted. Don't get any ideas.”

“I wouldn't want that, but Chase seems to like it. You saw him tonight and she didn't say anything to him. He wouldn't act like this if she would stand up and tell him to quit. If he lost her, he'd really go crazy, but he's convinced she won't leave him now.”

“It does sound like he's taking advantage of her, but Kevin you can't help her. He's not hurting her, and honestly I don't like the idea of you getting personal with her.”

“But Chase is my friend.”

“Chase is a big boy Kevin. He can make his own mistakes and if he loses her then he does. Maybe that will set him straight.” The look on his face told me that he wasn't one hundred percent worried about what would happen to Chase. He was still worrying about Rose. My limit was hit and I stood up, glaring at him. The lost dog look sprung across his face, but I was not having any of that. “Kevin you are my boyfriend. You are not allowed to care about other girls. If you do, then you can just get the hell away from me.” I was taking steps back toward the door while he stood helpless. “Isn't it enough that I have to deal with my mother coming home and ruining my life again? Now I have to worry about the one thing I love, besides my brother, chasing after another girl.” The last part of my thoughts were incoherent to him and me. I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. The rage and jealousy had taken over me.

The next thing I do remember was Kevin holding me. A cool rush of air blew my hair and I knew we were still outside. “Essie I'm so sorry. You're right, you're right. I should be taking care of you. It's going to be okay. Even if she does come back here, we'll make it work.”

“You don't know how bad it was before Kevin.” I struggled to get the words out through my sobs. “She stole our things and sold them. She disappeared for days. Terrible people were always around while dad was sleeping or at work. Troy and I would come home from school and lock ourselves together in one of our rooms. Neither of us had friends, because no one was allowed at our house.” He pulled me even closer, rocking me lightly in his arms. “If she comes home, you'll leave me, I know you will.” Finally I'd let him know my worst fears.

“Essie I'm not leaving you. It took me three years to get you. Do you think your mom's gonna scare me away?” I cried even more at his profession.

“Please just stay away from her.”

“I will. I promise.”

 

5

 

I'd kept good on my word to stay out of Chase and Rose's affairs, though it cost me one of the only things I had left except for Essie. Before Essie had said that it would be easy to be friends with Chase and keep myself out of his business. But Essie had made it clear that we weren't going to be going out with them anymore. How could I blame her for that? Would I really want to see Essie around a guy she thought was as attractive as I thought Rose was? It was almost like I couldn't help my body's reaction when she was around. Essie wasn't leaving me for my feelings for Rose, so I thought the least I could do was keep my promise to leave them alone.

 

Over the next weeks, Chase and I drifted and before long I really had no idea what was going on with him. I tried not to search for signs of distress in Rose's eyes when we passed in the halls or had our weekly trips to the hospital, but that was near impossible. Nothing ever did catch my eye. Maybe Essie was right. Rose could take care of herself.

 

Chase hit the party scene when Rose was working, but Mitch did too. Somehow the thought of Mitch, Essie, and I in the same room was not pleasant. So I couldn't even hang out with him when he wasn't with her.

 

Suddenly it was March and everyone was talking about prom and graduation. Whenever graduation did come up, Essie and I both always changed the subject. Essie still hadn't decided on a college. She'd been accepted at a few places, including Morris, but I knew she really didn't want to go there. Today we drove to Morris to take a look around. Both of had been up there before, but she wanted to get the view as a student.

 

“So what do you think?” Everything was feeling a little like déjà vu. The last time Essie and I made this trip, it was under very different circumstances.

 

“It's fine. I definitely think I'm going to go here.”

 

“But you told Mitch you'd never go here. Are you sure it's what you want?”

 

“It's the closest public college. Besides it doesn't really matter where I go. College is college.”

 

“Not really Essie. I mean, I'm not going to Morris.”

 

“I know. I'll just transfer when you decide.” I didn't say anything else. But I was thinking that Essie was probably not going to be able to go anywhere I wanted to go. There were a lot of private schools I'd been looking at. In fact, I was pretty sure I would be going to one, especially if I could get anything for playing baseball.

 

“Why do you have that look on your face?”

 

“What look?”

 

“Kevin what were you just thinking about?” I was frantically trying to come up with a lie, but Essie's stare was making it impossible to concentrate.

 

“I was thinking that I'll probably go wherever I can get a scholarship to.”

 

“For academics?”

 

“That and baseball.”

 

“But you're not really good enough to get a scholarship anywhere.”

 

“No. Not a public school.”

 

“So you want to go to a private school?”

 

“Maybe. Probably.”

 

“Who's van is that?” We were coming down Essie's street and there was a van parked outside her house. Both of us jumped out and headed over. Porter was driving and for some reason had Rose in the back. My face flushed at seeing her. She looked really good. Why did she have to wear dresses? It could drive a person insane. Essie had said something, but I didn't hear her.

 

Troy asked us if we wanted to go. I did, but Essie caught my eye. This would be covered under Chase and Rose affairs. I looked at Troy again and glanced at Rose. Something was going on and I needed to go. Speaking for the both of us, I got in. The entire ride there, I kept my eyes away from Essie's.

“We broke off at the party. Troy, Porter, and Essie waited outside, while the rest of us went in. I left the girls, hoping to find Chase first. After my first lap through the house, I headed for the kitchen. Rose and Anna were blocking the doorway. Chase must be in there. I came up behind her.

“Don't you dare.” She didn't turn, her line of site fixed in another direction. I followed her gaze to Chase. It was still early, so he couldn't be that drunk. He definitely didn't seem that drunk. There was no way of blaming this on the alcohol. The only possible explanation would be that he wanted her to break up with him.

“I looked back at Rose. Her eyes were starting to water a little at the very last display. Then Chase saw us standing there and came over. I walked away at that point and went outside. The first thing I did when I got out side was hit the side of the house.

“Kevin what's wrong?” Essie must not have been far. Soon the others were around me, but I was still far too angry to speak. The screen door screeched open and four heads snapped toward its direction. Chase was pulling a sullen looking Rose away from the house.

“Is that why you're upset? They had a fight? Kevin this is getting ridiculous.” I was barely hearing her, trying to stay focused on them. Anna was between me and them, blocking the view. Essie was still talking. I didn't hear the first part, just the last. Somehow my rage managed to double with the realization that Essie had just announced Rose's deepest secret to the one of the few people who absolutely could not find out. Now I was shouting at her, then Anna was yelling, and before long Rose was back with us, shaking Anna.

“I can't believe you just did that. Do you even love me at all Essie? How could you do that to me?” I was whispering to her, so no one else could hear. Rose was yelling at Chase now, but then left. Chase started to follow. I caught up to him quick.

“There's nothing you can do right now Chase.” He didn't fight me off, just slumped down. “Porter.” Rose needed a ride home still. Porter tossed me the keys and I ran after her.

“Rose, wait up, I'll give you a ride.” She glanced back at me, but didn't slow. “Just you and me, the others will wait.” We'd walked a ways down the block, but probably still visible to them, if they were watching. I was standing very close to her now, closer than I ever had. She turned into me and threw her arms around me. For a minute she just cried in my arms. After it had all come out, we walked to Porter's van.

The ride was silent. I kept thinking of things to say, but then I'd chicken out. All I wanted was to make her feel better. We were almost at her house and I knew I had to say something. I couldn't just walk away thinking the worst.

“Rose,” I put my hand over hers to keep her from getting out. She didn't pull it away, but didn't look back at me. “I swear he loves you. You are everything to him. I don't why he did this, but I promise it's not because he doesn't love you.” She showed no sign that my words had gone through. “He's still the guy you love, but he's let the drinking and the other stuff go too far.”

“He wasn't even that drunk Kevin. I thought, at first that he might be. But after listening to him, I knew he wasn't.” She turned to look at me. “I lied Kevin. What Jose and I had was nothing like how it is with Chase. We're so close. I know it seems like he's being a jerk, but he just gets nervous when we get around people. He knows what they think. They think he's not good enough for me, but I never believed them. Not until tonight at least. I don't know anything now. Thanks for bringing me home.” She straightened up, wiped her eyes, and left.

 

6

 

When Porter came barging in the house, I still hadn't spoken to Essie or Troy. Essie didn't even try to sit next to me. Porter started in on Essie and I almost stopped him until she spoke.

“Why is it even a big deal?” The little bit of anger that had ebbed since seeing Chase make a public fool out of Rose came rushing back.

“It doesn't matter why Essie. Chase told me because I'm his best friend and the only person Rose let him tell. I told you because I thought . . .never mind what I thought” I went back and sat down. Troy jumped in and started getting Porter out the door. Then Porter said something that struck deep inside me. He said Essie used to be nice. For a moment I got a flash of Essie a year ago. So much about her was different. It took me a minute to realize Porter was now directing the anger at me. He couldn't believe I was still with her. That I'd rather have her than what I'd had with Mitch.

The silence was deafening after the Troy slammed the door shut. Essie and I just sat there breathing in and out. There were so many words I wanted to say to her, but each one of them were getting caught in my throat. She finally broke the silence.

“Maybe we are just wrong together Kevin.” My stomach dropped and tingled at the same time. Was she really thinking of ending it? No matter how angry I was at her, the feeling in my stomach was letting me know that I wasn't ready to lose her.

“Porter's mad, I'm mad, that doesn't mean you can just say whatever you want.”

“I'm not. Porter's right. I am different. I used to be a person who never said anything harsh or mean. Six months ago, I never would have outed Rose like I did, not matter how upset I was. But tonight I just did. I did it to hurt you for caring about her. Everything I do, good or bad, always come back to my feelings for you. If we're fighting, I'm mad or pissy to everyone. If things are good, I'm nice and happy.”

“So this is my fault?”

“No. It isn't anyone's fault. It's just how it is. All I know is that I wasn't like this with Mitch.” Hearing that felt worse than hearing her say those things about Rose. Rage was now jealousy. Something I thought I was done feeling because I'd finally had her. Memories of Essie and Mitch together came flooding in. The look on her face when she was with him, her sweet smiling face. That familiar itch that came whenever they were alone together. Everything was hitting me and I couldn't take it anymore. My hands reached and found the coffee table. A moment later, the table was flipped over, all the contents dumped on the floor.

“Do you want to go back to dating Mitch?” There was a heavy bite at the end. “Wait, is that why you want to go to Morris, because not long ago you hated the place?” She stood up and marched across the room.

 

“I don't want to go back to dating Mitch! And yes, I hate Morris, but I was going there to be near you. But that was pretty stupid considering you're not even factoring our relationship into your college plans at all!” Essie was shaking her hands and frantically flying around the room. “I guess you would want me to go someplace far away, so you could be free to mess around with other girls like Rose!”

 

“Now you're just acting crazy!”

 

“Is that going to be your excuse for breaking up with me? I'm crazy! Here I was waiting for my mother to come and run you off. She doesn't need to do that, you're already leaving! Just get out Kevin.” My ears couldn't believe what they'd heard. She was going to kick me out, end our relationship.

 

“Do you really want me to leave Essie?” Her breathing was heavy now, tears starting to show in her eyes.

 

“Why would I want to be with someone who thinks I'm crazy?” Essie was leaning against the couch, letting her shirt hang low. There was still one more emotion that I had yet to experience as part of this lover's quarrel. That was desire, lust. The shouting between us had really worked me up and was now driving my legs to her. I saw her eyes change as she realized what I was doing. Her stance changed as she opened up to me and let me take her back to her room.

 

By now Essie and I had been together so many times I'd lost count, but this would be different. I was still really pissed about Rose and the fight and I let myself take that all out on her. She was equally vengeful and we were both left panting and in pain when we were finished. Once we were both settled together, I thought it was safe to finish things. I wasn't going to leave all that in the air.

 

“I said you're acting crazy Essie, but I don't want to break up with you.” She folded her arms and looked away from me. There was something else she was waiting for me to say. Quickly I replayed the argument. College. Slowly I turned to her and put my arms around her waist. Her face was still turned, but I forced it back with my eyes. “College is a big deal for me and it should be for you too. Don't just settle for something to be with me. Wherever you go, wherever I go, we'll make it work.” The same pouty expression was there on her face. “I don't want to date other people Essie, come on. I'm crazy about you, literally. Were you not here a minute ago when I trashed that table? I did that because I couldn't stand the thinking about you being happy with another guy.” Softening lines in her face told me she was starting to come around. “Promise me you'll go where you want.”

 

“How can I do that? I'm so afraid of what will happen if I go far away.”

 

“Don't be. I'm not going to cheat on you.”

 

“Things can change Kevin. It took me three years to love you, but I did in the end.”

 

“Fine things can change, but if they do they're going to change whether or not you're here or far away.”

 

“I guess. You're right, I hate Morris. I won't go there.” I breathed a sigh of relief for two reasons. The first was that she wouldn't be with Mitch every day, and the second was that I could pick my college with a clear conscience.

 

“What about earlier Essie?” She shifted beside me.

 

“I knew what I was saying Kevin, and I did it because you were acting stupid about her again. You're not her protector, she barely even knows you exist. If it weren't for Chase, she wouldn't.”

 

“It doesn't matter why you said it Essie. What matters is that you did. I should be able to tell you anything and know that it's safe no matter what I do now or in the future. Now I can't do that.”

 

“That's not fair Kevin. You can trust me, but you have to stop hurting me.”

 

“I'm not trying to hurt you.”

 

“But you're not trying not to. . . .Can we just talk about this tomorrow? I'm tired, we have a mess to clean up, and I want some sleep before I have to face my mom again in this house.” I nodded and kissed her forehead.

 

“Have you changed your mind? Are you going to go with Troy to get her?”

 

“No Kevin. Please just stay out of this. I don't want you to have anything to do with my mother after she comes back.”

 

“All right.”

 

7

 

Troy stopped speaking to me on the way home from the facility. Instead he was on the phone trying to get in touch with Porter. Every time he got Porter's voicemail my stomach pulled. I was seriously afraid he was going to break something in my car. But I was also scared to see him like this. Troy was the most confident, assertive person I knew. He could command you with just a look. When he incorporated his voice, the impact was even greater. Now he was going manic on me. I wanted Essie or even Porter to be here for once.

 

When we got home Troy nearly ran into the house. I waited in the car, struggling with what to do. I called Essie, but she wasn't answering. Her shift wouldn't end for hours. After a minute I just went in. I heard the crash and went straight to Troy's room. Everything had been tossed. How could he have ruined so much in the minute since he'd left my car?

 

“Calm down Troy.” That was the wrong thing to say. Troy went into a rant about his mother and drugs. By the time he was finished he'd collapsed on the bed. I sat by him, wondering if this was crossing the line. But I really didn't care. Troy needed someone to make him feel better, and I honestly didn't mind. After a while, he fell asleep. It seemed wrong to move and leave him alone, so I waited. Maybe Porter would show up.

 

With nothing left to do but think, I thought about my parents. They were good. I had a good life. Essie and Troy were forever screwed because they had a mother who was a low life. I looked down at Troy again and instinctively pulled him closer. Troy's hand loosened away from my stomach and went. . down. I jerked to the side, but that just made him move his hand around more. It seemed an involuntary sort of thing to do. I'm sure I touch Essie in my sleep. Troy was just mistaking me for Porter.

 

I moved his hand away, but there was something else very wrong. Troy's brief visit to uncharted territory set part of me in motion, so to speak. This was awkward. Now I had Troy in my arms and I was hard. Then I really started to panic. Why was I hard? I wasn't gay. Did this make me gay? I really just wanted to leave, but I was pretty committed to waiting for someone else to show up. Instead I tried to think of something else like I did every other time I was unwontedly hard. A couple minutes later all was back to normal.

 

With that taken care of I could relax again and drift to sleep. The next thing I knew, Porter was standing above us, looking even more irritated than usual.

 

“You called me several times. What the hell is going on?” Porter was clearly insinuating something more than what we were doing. For a moment, the intimate moment flashed in my head.

 

“You cannot be serious Porter.” I stood up, wanting space between myself and Troy. Porter and I went back and forth until Troy finally stopped us. I left and went to the restaurant to wait for Essie. When she came out, I told her the news.

 

“Good.”

 

“Don't you feel bad? I mean Troy was pretty messed up by everything.”

 

“Troy always cared about her more than I did. Besides, he honestly thought she would get better, so when she let him down it hurt. I on the other hand never thought she would get clean. So I really can't be disappointed.” Her face was gave nothing away, but that didn't make me believe her. There had to be some part of her that dreamed of a mother who cared again, if she ever did in the first place.

 

“Are you coming over?”

 

“Not tonight. Unless you really want me to. Porter is there and he's in a mood.”

 

“Great. That's okay. I'll see you tomorrow at school then?”

 

“Yeah.” Essie went to her car and I watched her drive away. When I got home it was late. I came through the basement and headed to my room. But I stopped at the door and turned around to face Mitch's room. Then I knocked.

 

“Yeah.” I creaked up the door and peaked in. Mitch looked up from a book to me.

 

“Are you really reading?”

 

“Yeah. I can't flunk English or I'll have to take summer school. I was thinking of heading to Morris not long after graduation, so I figured I better make sure I don't fail. Summer school would really dampen my plans.”

 

“How does Lola feel about that?”

 

“She says she doesn't mind, but you never know. My mind is pretty much made up though.”

 

“Cool. Well I just saw you were up so good night I guess.” I almost had his door closed before he called me back.

 

“I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. It's harder than I thought. I mean, no matter what she did, I loved her man. I really loved her. But I know we'll never be together, so I didn't have the right to tell you not to date her. I just. . .want to get away from here.” I nodded and then closed the door tight.

 

Once I was alone in my room, I started shaking. If Essie had never come on to me that night, I would have stayed away. Maybe not forever, but I never would have moved in while my brother still had feelings for her. But Mitch was moving on or maybe just moving away. I sat down on the bed and put my head between my legs. My face flashed a burn for a brief moment. Could Essie and I really keep our relationship next year? Mitch was running as fast as he could away from here. Essie would be gone too. Hopefully Chase would work his shit out with Rose, but then where would I be? Troy was my friend, but he had Porter, and to be honest I was still really creped out by earlier. Now that I was thinking of it, what was that? It wasn't the sort of thing I could ask another straight guy about. I went to bed that night feeling lonely and confused.